Chapter Text
Noel and Ocean stared at the apartment door. 303. Those three numbers adorned the beige door. “Didn't they say 304?”“No, 303. I wrote it down twice Noel.” Ocean knocked on the door twice. Then the door swung open. Mischa and Ricky stood there both in suits, smiling so wide it was uncanny. “Misch and Ricky’s new apartment!” They sang in unison. They sang the same tune they used to host their local morning talk show.
“Hiiii!” Ocean and Noel spoke in unison, both uncomfortable. Mischa gestured for them to come inside.
“What a great place.” Ocean glanced at the many photos of cats. Cats in outfits. Cats sleeping. Cats with horrible grainy filters over them.
“You guys--you guys look so fancy.” Noel looked Mischa up and down.
“Thanks. We read a book on how to be the perfect party host." Mischa gestured to a book on the table.
“Rule number one-" he held up a finger "- dress to impress.”
“Rule number two--avoid touchy topics like the communist problem.” Mischa scowled when he said the word “communist” a reminder of everyone in high school thinking he was Russian. He got into many fights because of that. “The book was written in the '50s,” Mischa muttered.
Constance appeared in a flour-smeared apron. “Oh, I'm glad you guys are finally here.”
“Finally?” Ocean questioned.
“Constance showed up at 3:00,” Ricky remarked awkwardly.
“Time flies when I'm baking!” Constance headed back into the kitchen with specks of flour falling off the apron she was wearing.
“No, it doesn't,” Mischa said with a forced smile.
“Oh, the door downstairs was propped open with this.” Ocean held up a brick. “This is really unsafe. Anyone could have just wandered into your building.”
BRZZZZZT
The buzzer blared in the apartment.
"Like one of our guests? I'll be right back.” Mischa made finger guns then ran off.
“Thank you, Mischa. Let me give you two the grand tour.” Ricky began to walk forward. “Bathroom, kitchen, who cares? He pointed in the general direction of those places. “This is my scale model of the rolling boulder scene from Raiders...With actual rolling boulder." Ricky brandished the boulder like it was a precious jewel.
“Ooh.” Noel and Ocean spoke in unison again. Both of them pretend to be interested in the diorama.
“Adiós, Sapito.” A voice recording stated the phrase as the boulder rolled down. Ricky caught it as it was just about to fall to the ground.
“Ahh.” Noel and Ocean spoke in unison again.
“Pretty cool, huh?” Ricky smiled as he placed the boulder back in its original spot.
“Super cool and sexy." Ocean smiled as she had no idea why someone would buy such a thing. Wouldn’t someone use their money for bills or food?
“Super sexy cool.” Noel grabbed Ocean’s arm trying to drag her away.
“Overselling it,” Ocean whispered to Noel.“I made pizza.” Constance showed off a pizza with what looked like sauce and white globs of something.
“But we ordered real pizza.” Ricky got closer to her, puffing up his chest, and getting angrier.
“Well, there's nothing more real than homemade. You didn't have some of the ingredients, so I used ketchup and cream cheese.”
“We ordered real pizza,” Ricky repeated his statement getting even closer to Constance in a defensive manner.
“Okay. Hey, got you that.” Ocean pulled him back as everyone in the room nervously laughed.
“Bienvenido de la Casa Chez Space-accent.” Mischa made a grand gesture, letting Penny and Karnak into the apartment.
“Very nice.” Penny looked around the room noticing all the cat photos and memorabilia. “Oh, look, Indiana Jones and the apartment of perpetual virginity.” She chuckled at her joke, suddenly realizing that it was kind of rude. Mischa laughed at her joke as he patted her shoulder. “Chop busted, fellow adult, chop busted.”
“It's nice. Not mansion-nice, but it's nice.” Karnak avoided eye contact with Mischa trying to hide his disappointment. “Didn't you use to live in a mansion with me?” Karnak questioned.
“Yeah, but this is more my speed and century,” Mischa replied.
“Doesn't bother me. I've hardly missed you at all since I had you removed from my portraits. Hey! Check it out. Serbian rum. So strong it is banned there. Banned in Serbia, Mischa.” He chuckled in delight as Mischa looked at him in confusion. “Let that concept sink in.” Mischa leaned over to Noel. “He knows I am Ukrainian right?” He whispered. “Oui Mischa I’m sure he knows.” Mischa looked closer at the bottle. The label was printed in Cyrillic. It read Generic Rum.“Yeah, well, you enjoy. I have to leave early. I've been invited to the opening of a newly opened club. Look at this place. Penny held out a fancy gray card. "It's like it was made just for me.".
“It was. I made that in Photoshop and mailed it to you a month ago so that you'd keep tonight open on your calendar.” Ricky smiled as Penny's cockiness faded and she realized the card was a ruse.
“There's no such thing as single malt platinum boobs and billiards club?” Penny sighed in defeat. “I guess I never said it out loud.”
“Tonight, we offer something far more than boobs and billiards.” Mischa backed up holding a red cardboard box in his hands.
“What are we doing?” Penny pocketed the card.
“One word, two syllables.” Mischa smiled even wider and tightened his grip on the red box.
“Don't say charades.” Penny thought back to the last time they played charades. The unimaginable horrors they witnessed.
“Yahtzee!” Mischa flipped the box over, revealing the large white letters.
“Is charades off the table?” To be honest, Penny would rather relive the horrible charades incident than play a game of fucking Yahtzee.
“Come on. And...” Mischa rolled the dice. They clattered on the table. "Okay. Now...” He held up the instructions. "How to play Yahtzee."
Karnak grumbled when Mischa spoke. Still salty about Mischa moving out of his mansion.
BRZZZZZT
Ocean flinched and gasped in shock.“Ocean, it's just the pizza.” Mischa placed a hand on Ocean's arm to comfort her.“We can't buzz him up. Someone has to go down.” Ricky gestured downward.
They all looked into each other’s eyes then they all put a finger on their nose at the same time.
Penny groaned. “Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.”
“Just so you know, Penny, you are now creating six different timelines.”
“Of course, I am, Ricky.” She rolled her eyes as she tossed the dice up in the air. It clattered down and landed on…
The dice clattered down. “Two. One, two-- Ocean.”
“Okay, fine. I guess I'm heading down.” She laughed then opened the door and left the apartment. Noel turned on the speakers. Roxanne by The Police began to play.
“All this talk of going down...Did you guys know I knew a guy who had sex with Eartha Kitt in an airplane bathroom?” Karnak joked. They all groaned in annoyance. “We're about to eat.” Penny placed her head in her hands. “Penny, it's not namedropping if it comes up organically.” Karnak shrugged and leaned back in his chair.
“I'm gonna check in on my pies.” Constance left the dining room with specks of flour falling off her apron.
Noel began to sing Roxanne. He didn’t get that far though.
“Roxa--“
“No!” Penny shouted. She didn’t want to relive the charades incident.
“Bathroom?” Noel took a small box out of his purse and a lighter.
“Over here.” Ricky got up to show Noel to the bathroom.
“Uh, guys? What does a pregnancy test look like?” Mischa stared at Ocean’s caramel-colored bag.
“Like a thin piece of plastic with a thing on the end of it.” Penny gestured vaguely while scrolling through her phone.
“Okay, so this is definitely a gun.” Mischa pulled out the silver handgun still staring at it in shock.
“Whoa! Yeah, put that away.”
“Why does Little orphan A-hole have a gun?” Mischa held the silver gun in his hand.
Karnak laughed at Mischa. “That’s not a gun. That’s a girl's peashooter. Here, Mischa. Happy housewarming.” Karnak handed over a small white box with green trim and a white ribbon tied in a neat bow.
“Penny, what are we gonna do about this?” Mischa carefully placed the gun back in Ocean’s bag.
“I'm gonna get a drink.” Penny stood up hitting her head on the fan. “Ow!” Karnak and Mischa erupted in a fit of laughter as Constance walked back into the room with her mini pies.
“What's so funny?” she questioned.
“I don't know, people hitting their heads.” Mischa shoved the box away while laughing.
“Don't fight over them.” Constance held out the tray of pies. "Well, y-you can fight a little," she said, worried nobody would eat her perfectly made mini pies.
~~~
Ricky stood outside the bathroom with nothing better to do. When Noel saw Ricky, he flinched. “Smells weird.”
“I beg your pardon?” Noel quickly shoved the cigarettes and lighter into his pocket.
“Smells weird.” He pointed at the bathroom. The ashy aroma floated out of the bathroom and into the hallway. “What did you do?”
“Ricky, you shouldn't ask someone a question like that. It's not dignified.”
“Pizza! Pizza, pizza, go in tummy. Me so hung-ee me so hung-ee.” Noel sang an odd tune as he awkwardly walked over to Ocean.
“That pizza guy was super creepy.” She shuddered at the thought of him.
“I wonder what happened in those other timelines.” Ricky picked up a slice of pizza and began to eat the slice.
“Ricky, there are no other timelines,” Penny said fed up with everything.