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Wilbur’s year had been going weirdly well— almost too well, if you asked him. He’d gotten to play several gigs around the UK, he’d been able to see friends all across the globe, and (best of all) his relationship with Tommy had been flourishing. He’d been so caught up in how perfectly his life was going, he’d forgotten about the upcoming winter season.
Frankly, there was no reason to even really think about it. He usually did shopping for Christmas presents throughout the year, picking things his friends would like as he found them and saving them until the end of the year, and so he was never stressed about that. He usually didn’t make any plans for the holidays either, choosing to visit his mum for Easter and never really visiting his dad unless the man specifically invited him. Christmas was generally just another day that passed, with all of his friends busy and all of the shops closed, and thus he rarely bothered to count down to the day.
Of course, when he’d stepped outside and felt the cold air, eyes greeted with the sight of string lights decorating the buildings, he was suddenly struck with the awareness that the holiday was not far away. The realization was unwelcome, a spike of anxiety making itself known in his gut as he checked the date and saw it was only weeks til the twenty-fifth. He should be unbothered— usually, he’d be unbothered— but this year was different.
It was his first Christmas officially dating Tommy.
The two of them had surely had an emotional intimacy for quite a while, a tension between them that made all their friends aware of their feelings even if they themselves didn’t speak it aloud. It had only been earlier that year, however, that Tommy had gotten sick of the unspoken confessions and admitted his feelings for Wilbur, spurring the two of them to commit to an actual relationship that developed beyond their pining.
Wilbur was well aware that Christmas was a big deal for Tommy and his family— he’d been told time and time again about the Simons family routine of waking up early to open presents, eating a breakfast of homemade pancakes, and having a movie marathon for the rest of the day. It was an important tradition to Tommy, and he took a few days off every year, to go up for it, basically refusing to check his phone or do anything relating to content creation the entire time so he could enjoy his holiday.
In Wilbur’s opinion, the whole ordeal sounded quite fun, but he just… wasn’t quite sure where he stood in all of this. Part of him was sure that Tommy wouldn’t want Wilbur to accompany him to Nottingham for the holidays— after all, they hadn’t even been dating a full year, even if it had been sort of unofficial before that. The other part of Wilbur thought that maybe Tommy would want him there, would want to reintroduce Wilbur to his parents, this time as a lover as opposed to a friend. Wilbur certainly yearned, in some way, to be close with Tommy in such a sense that he was familiar with his mum and dad, that he took the blond’s family on as if they were his own. There was, however, the absolute terror of meeting the parents of his partner, of subjecting himself to the vulnerability, the uncertain territory, of being known as not a friend— of being known as Tommy’s years-older lover, who had been almost a mentor to him at some point. It simply wasn’t a good look, and probably not one that Tommy wanted to show to his family without proper preparation.
So, yeah… Wilbur didn’t really know what to do. He knew he probably needed to talk to Tommy about his holiday plans, but it was such a large topic to broach, and he didn’t want to make Tommy feel like he was trying to intrude on his family’s Christmas celebrations. If anything, Wilbur knew that he should probably just stay quiet and not try to think about the whole thing. Surely it would just pass by without a peep and he could instead worry about it next holiday season.
+++
It was certainly not passing without a peep, contrary to what Wilbur had predicted. Frankly, it was his own fault. He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the holidays, and it had only gotten worse since he’d walked into Tommy’s apartment to find him on the phone with his mum. Wilbur had tuned out most of the conversation, and Tommy hadn’t said anything about it afterwards, so he had decided not to broach the topic. There were other things to worry about, and he could easily avoid the thought of Christmas.
Or so he thought.
+++
“-and then Phil fucking hung up on me! I told him what could only be counted as the best idea in the world, and he hung up!” Tommy ranted, laid out dramatically across Wilbur’s couch. He’d broken into the flat ten minutes ago— or, rather, used the spare key Wilbur had given him— and had been rambling ever since. Only now did he finally turn to face Wilbur, who was standing in the entrance to the living room, and attempt to gauge his lover’s reaction. His face fell, however, as he gazed upon Wilbur’s wide eyes and pursed lips.
“Uh, yeah, it’s a great idea. It was dumb of Phil to hang up,” Wilbur replied, an utter lack of enthusiasm in his voice. He could barely stop himself from wincing at the disappointment on Tommy’s face, obviously a result of Wilbur’s reaction. It hurt to see the blond so very defeated.
“You’ve been weird lately,” Tommy spoke, with that gently blunt tone that conveyed his concern in a way only he could. “All distant and shit.”
‘Ask him about his Christmas plans,’ some voice in the back of Wilbur’s head pleaded. ‘Just ask, even if he says he’s going alone. Closure is better than wondering.’
Wilbur shook his head— partially a response to his thoughts and partially to shrug off Tommy’s concern. He didn’t quite meet his lover’s eye, looking off somewhere to the side of his head as he uttered his next words.
“I’m okay, just a lot on my mind.”
It was only a half lie, but the guilt ate him alive as Tommy gave a soft nod and didn’t push any further.
+++
The thought refused to disappear from Wilbur’s head, stuck to his brain like a fly on a honey trap. The words he repeated in his head but couldn’t quite form in his mouth, and it was driving him mad. He wanted nothing more than to be finished with this, to finally hear Tommy say he was going alone to Nottingham, that he didn’t want Wilbur to ruin his picture perfect Christmas with his family. That confession would allow Wilbur to rest, let him be freed of his own turmoil surrounding the upcoming date, permit him to finally sleep without the urge to know for certain.
Alas, he stayed awake, restless.
+++
“Dude, you’ve gotta go talk to your therapist or something.”
Mark’s words startled Wilbur out of his daze. He looked around, a sudden realization that he was in his band rehearsal, that he was supposed to be speaking about new songs, that he had a guitar in his hands that he wasn’t playing. A flush overcame his cheeks, betraying his embarrassment of being singled out for his silent stupor.
“I’m fine,” Wilbur tried to insist, unsure if he was even responding correctly to the words he’d barely processed.
“Cool lie,” Joe commented, fiddling with the tuning pegs of his guitar. “Next time, try making it convincing.”
“No need to be a dick,” Wilbur shot back, but the lack of conviction in his tone just made it sound pathetic.
Ash gave Wilbur a skeptical look before muttering, “No need to make everyone worry if you’re apparently fine.”
Wilbur tried not to shrivel under the bass player’s stony gaze. “What are you on about?”
“Tommy‘s been going around for weeks asking everyone he knows if they’ve talked to you and if you’ve said anything implying why you’ve been so distant,” Ash informed him casually, as if the words didn’t make Wilbur feel as though he had turned to ice, as if his feet were frozen to the floor and he was about to sink into the core of the earth. “Everybody’s worried about you, Wil, but Tommy’s freaked out about the way you’re acting.”
Wilbur… didn’t quite know how to process that. He wanted to say something in response, or claim that Ash was lying, or run out of the room completely, but it was like he couldn’t move from the spot he was standing. Of course, he’d known that Tommy was worried about him, but he’d figured the blond was willing to brush it off— or even be grateful that Wilbur was so distant, thus making it much easier to leave Brighton for the holiday without needing to be so concerned about his lover’s feelings. The fact that Christmas was so close and Tommy was spending all his time worried about his lover… the thought made Wilbur feel nauseous.
Luckily, he didn’t have long to think about it, because Mark was directing their rehearsal back on course, and Wilbur had to go back to playing the guitar like the rug hadn’t just been pulled out from under him.
+++
Tommy’s flat was always a comfort to Wilbur. The home seemed to emanate warmth in some way, similar to how Tommy himself did. All the polaroids plastered on the walls and the fairy lights strung across the bed posts and the various half-finished Lego builds strewn about. The apartment was sacred, a place to see friends and drop the internet personas and let go of worries. Wilbur treasured his time at Tommy’s flat, and he’d never take it for granted.
Even now, as the tension in the room was thick and the concern hung heavy in the air, Wilbur felt more relaxed than he had in the while. He and Tommy had barely spoken a word to each other since he’d entered, the two silent after their greetings as they both did their separate things— sitting only feet away from each other on the couch, Wilbur writing a few quick emails on his laptop and Tommy scrolling on his phone.
“Is it about the visit?” Tommy suddenly blurted, breaking the fragile quiet of the living room.
Wilbur froze where he was typing, gaze slowly moving from his laptop screen to his lover. “What?”
“The- the visit,” Tommy repeated, not quite meeting Wilbur’s eyes as he turned off his phone and dropped it beside him. “Are you worried about it? Is that why you’re being so distant?”
“What visit?” Wilbur questioned, hoping the pathetically pleading tone in his voice wasn’t too noticeable. He was simply desperate for an answer, not for this riddle he was being told.
Tommy only seemed confused by his lover’s question. “The visit to see my parents for Christmas? You seemed excited when you first agreed, but you’ve been so cold the closer we get to the date.”
Wilbur couldn't quite figure out what Tommy was saying to him, as though he was being told something in a code he was never given a cipher for. “We’re… going to visit your parents?”
“Yeah? I go every year for Christmas.”
“No, I meant that we— as in, both you and I— are going up to Nottingham for Christmas?”
“Of course, we agreed to it months ago!”
Wilbur, no matter how hard he thought back, couldn’t remember ever discussing it with Tommy. The confusion must’ve showed on his face, because the blond was suddenly shrinking down into himself, face flushed with embarrassment and hands fiddling anxiously.
“I… I think we were both drunk,” Tommy admitted. “It was after that gig in London, and we had talked about it right before we went to sleep. It makes sense that you don’t remember and I definitely should’ve asked again about it when we were both sober, but I guess I was so happy you wanted to come— and you’d seemed so excited when I said you should be there— that I didn’t think about it. I can cancel your train ticket and-”
“No!” Wilbur exclaimed before he could stop himself, and he almost winced at the way Tommy flinched in surprise. “No… I- I don’t remember, but I still want to go.”
“You… do?” Tommy questioned, and the genuine shock in his tone made Wilbur’s heart sink.
“Yeah… yeah, I’ve been thinking about you leaving to visit your parents for the past few weeks, and I’ve been wanting to ask about your plans just to see if you’d be willing to let me go with you, but I figured you didn’t want me meeting your parents as your partner as opposed to your friend.”
The confession fell from Wilbur’s lips like water, and he could only stare as realization made itself known across Tommy’s expression.
“I’m such a fucking idiot,” Tommy muttered, but the lighthearted tone kept it from the heaviness it could’ve held. “All this time, I thought you were worried because you didn’t want to see my parents and regretted saying yes to my invitation.”
Wilbur gave a wet laugh, reaching out to grab his lover’s hand. “We’re both idiots— and we probably need to work on communicating more.”
Tommy couldn’t help the giggle that fell from his lips as well, moving closer so that he was pressed into Wilbur’s side. “We definitely need to work on communicating more.”
Unable to resist, Wilbur leaned in and gave Tommy a small kiss, the blond leaning into the gesture. When he pulled away, the two stared into each other’s eyes, emotions running rampant within their gazes as the full weight of the moment held in the air.
“You’re going to love Christmas with my parents,” Tommy promised, voice full of fondness. “I swear it’s going to be lovely.”
Wilbur smiled softly, a hand coming up to brush against his lover’s cheek. “Anything will be lovely so long as it’s with you.”