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Mirrors, Exer decides, absolutely suck.
He comes to this conclusion as he stands in his bathroom, fluorescent lights bouncing off the white countertop and gleaming against the surface of his mirror. Behind the mirror there’s a medicine cabinet, he knows, within which lies both painkillers and sleeping medication. His dad had bought them both after Exer’s episode on the porch steps, and since then they’d sat there untouched– a testament to Exer’s ever-gnawing guilt.
He could take one, could slip a little pill into his mouth and let himself slide away into the sweet embrace of a dreamless sleep, but even the thought of letting himself have that little bit of reprieve makes his stomach turn knots. Every night, the same cycle, the same question: why should he be allowed to help himself when everyone around him is still suffering because of his actions?
He knows it makes no sense, it's only a sleeping pill, but even so every time he locked eyes with himself in the mirror the guilt would clog his throat and wouldn’t leave him alone until he left the bathroom.
So, again, Exer stares at himself in the mirror, taking in the almost bruise-looking bags under his eyes, the way his hair is almost down to his shoulders because he hasn’t had the energy to get it cut, the way his whole body trembles in the slight chill of the tiled bathroom. He’s so tired, so fucking sick of it all, but he can’t bring himself to open up the medicine cabinet as the guilt reaches up and chokes him once again.
He sighs and slides a hand haphazardly across the light switch, dismissing the possibility of sleep for the rest of the night. It’s not like it really matters– he’d long since given up on really trying at anything regarding his appearance. Hell, he’d worn pajamas and sandals to school and then publicly admitted to being a dick, what reputation even is there to maintain?
Assholes who keep secrets and hurt people shouldn’t be allowed nice things like dreams anyway.
His bed is cold when he climbs back into it and he shivers, tucking the comforter around himself like it’ll do anything to stop his shaking. Lucy-Furr is somewhere– he’s given up on keeping track of her at night. She's a cat after all, she’d do what she pleased and she’d find him if she needed to. Exer's used to this by now, the long nights spent sitting on his bed, staring out the window or at his clock, waiting for an acceptable hour to be awake so he could stop wallowing in his thoughts.
It’s only half past midnight, now– far too early to be up and about, that perfect hour where Exer can’t do anything but wait.
So wait he does.
He sits and thinks. About everything, about nothing.
About Brenda, and how she’s a good friend even though there’s no feelings there anymore, and how he doesn’t deserve an ex like her after how he treated her like property and was so stupidly possessive over her.
About Ron, and how he hopes that things are civil between him and Jackson now, and how he prays that Ron, in all his astuteness, hadn’t noticed how horribly off Exer has been as of late.
About Pamela, and how he still can’t believe that they’re friends now. It's hard to look at her, sometimes, knowing he doesn’t deserve her in the slightest– she’s been so supportive of him, so willing to give him a shoulder to lean on, she’d even helped him get a job after he’d basically ruined her life for a year. He feels like he has bewitched her like Jackson said, because there’s no way any sane person would forgive him like she had after everything he’d done to hurt her. He owes her so, so much, and he doesn’t have the slightest idea where to start.
About Jackson, and how he hopes things are finally starting to turn around for him. Exer has seen him around at school, but he’s been actively avoiding getting too close after they’d talked by the tree. He's so terrified of hurting him again , of making things worse, but he’d seen Jackson around with a new group of people, so he hopes that they're treating him well. Jackson deserved good friends, after all the hell Exer had put him through.
About his dad, and how Exer desperately, desperately hopes his dad doesn’t know about Lucy, or the magic, because Exer’s already disappointed him enough, because he’s already going through so much with work and Exer doesn’t want to put yet another thing on top of that. Because Exer’s scared, so scared, that his dad already knows, and that, even though Exer knows in his heart he wouldn’t, he’s making plans to ship Exer off to the government or planning to have him put down so he doesn’t endanger anyone else. Exer’s been hiding for so long that even the possibility of his dad finding out is beyond terrifying.
About David, and how Exer had almost lost him. About how since that night at the café, his heart would leap when he saw David, how his magic would settle instantly like a tamed animal. How when David had said You're a great friend too, man it had dug into him like a jack knife for a reason he couldn't really explain, even to himself. How when he looks at his best friend of ten years everything else but them fades into the background, how his face goes flush around him, how desperately he just wants to cup David's face in his hands like that time in the nurse's office and how–
How–
Dammit.
Exer shoots up and out of bed, deciding he’s tired of thinking, and glances at the clock. 1:17 – a perfectly reasonable time to go on a walk, because Exer needs to get out of this goddamn room and out of this goddamn house before he either loses his mind or has a magic attack and sets the place on fire. He throws on a black hoodie, not bothering to check whether it’s right side out or not, toes on his sandals, grabs his keys and a flashlight from a hook on his wall, and then silently slips out of his room.
As Exer makes his way down the stairs, footsteps quiet and breathing quick, he realizes that his dad might wake up panicked if his only son just suddenly vanished into the night, so he makes a brief stop by the kitchen to draft a simple note:
Dad,
I’m just going on a walk to clear my head. I’m fine, I promise. If I’m not back by the time you usually wake me up and I haven’t called, send Lucy after me.
Love, Exer
That’s good enough, Exer figures, sticking the note to the kitchen counter. His dad trusts him, for some reason, and if Exer gets back before his dad wakes up he can just throw the note in the trash and pretend he never left at all. No big deal.
Son duties fulfilled, Exer slips quietly out the front door, locking it as silently as he can and leaving the house behind him. It’s just as quiet outside, in the small, sleeping town, but it’s far less claustrophobic. Out in the open air, Exer finally feels like he can breathe a little bit.
He has no destination in mind, so he just lets his feet carry him in a random direction and hopes that he ends up somewhere he can get back from. He’s so tired that the streetlamps blur in his vision as he walks, and even this little bit of physical activity makes his heart pound like he’s running a marathon. He carries on, though– worst case scenario he passes out on the sidewalk, and at this point that doesn't even sound that bad if it means he doesn’t have to think anymore.
Everything is just so confusing. His magic, the situation with his dad, the situation with Pamela, the situation with Jackson, whatever the heck was going on between him and David recently– all of it's so hard to handle, too much to carry, and Exer feels so lost that sometimes he could barely remember who he was. It's weird, to be so separate from that guy at the beginning of his senior year who knew exactly where he fit in, who was so confident in his every move. He’d felt so infallible, back then, and now all he can see is a map of his mistakes and he doesn’t even know what it leads to.
Exer doesn’t miss him, though. That guy was an asshole, and he likes to think that at least now, as much as he feels like he's drowning and has no idea which way the surface is, he's a better person. He can grow from here, even if he can't see the sun yet.
Eventually Exer stops, and it’s so abrupt that he barely realizes that he’s not moving anymore until his head starts swimming from the sudden change of pace. He blinks and looks around, taking in the dense forest and the glittering lake, and he wonders how the hell he managed to get here without slamming his head into a tree.
Actually, never mind. It makes sense. He’d been so stuck in his head the past few weeks that he’s gotten ridiculously good at doing things subconsciously, and since he’d been going to this spot to sit and think for years, it makes sense that he could manage to get here without thinking too hard.
Exer perches himself cross-legged on the large rock overlooking the lake, his head quieting slightly as he looks out over the still water. So many things have happened here– mostly involving his magic. He lost Jackson here, and then himself, and then he very nearly lost David as well. He doesn’t know why he keeps coming back, if all that happens here is him losing, over and over again, but he figures it has something to do with the way the lake glitters, the way his head falls silent when he’s alone here, the way the forest surrounds him and he feels safe, like nobody can see him. Like he can be whoever he needs to be right then with only the lake and the trees as his witnesses.
He lets himself use a little bit of magic, then. He releases some of the pressure that’d been building in his chest in the form of green mist and sparkles as he makes shapes with the water. A little cat, made out of the clear pond, chases its tail across the clearing. Exer smiles, barely able to remember a time when he thought little tricks like this were all he was capable of.
“Exer?”
All at once the cat melts back into the pond, causing large ripples to disturb the previously smooth surface. Exer’s heart leaps to his throat, his hands shaking hard in the pockets of his hoodie, but he doesn’t turn around. He knows that voice, would know it anywhere. Even twenty years from now, when Exer isn’t even sure who he’ll be, he knows he’d still recognize that voice.
He’s been hearing it for the past ten years, after all.
“David?”
His best friend steps up beside him, a flashlight clutched in his left hand. He looks at Exer, and although it’s too dark for him to make out David’s expression properly, he’s sure it’s some blend of puzzlement and the ever-present fondness David holds in his face when he looks at Exer. It scares him, what that fondness has been doing to his heart recently.
“What are you doing out here so late, man? It’s almost two o’clock.”
“I could ask you the same question,” Exer fires back, not quite sure he wants to explain why he’s sitting alone in a forest in the middle of the night.
“I was awake and looking out my bedroom window. I saw you walk by, and I… got worried,” David says, turning to look at the lake instead of at Exer, “so I followed you out here. Okay?”
Exer looks out at the lake, too, not quite sure what else to say to that but a small, “Okay.”
"Okay," David echoes, and then he too falls quiet.
It's silent for a moment, no sound between them but the trees rustling in the cool late autumn breeze. Exer wonders if David's just going to leave now that he knows Exer's not hurt. David makes a sudden noise beside him, and Exer blurts out, "Don't go."
They both pause, again, and Exer can feel David's eyes on him. A blush crawls up his neck, but he doesn't take it back– he doesn't want David to leave yet, or maybe ever, especially not when they're both in the spot where Exer's already almost lost him once.
David sighs softly. "I wasn't planning on it."
He clicks off his flashlight, leaving them both in near darkness, and then sits gently at the base of the rock, back resting against it as he stares out at the water. Exer quietly slides down to sit on the ground beside him. Their silence seems to echo across the lake, and Exer can feel his emotions bubbling up in his chest and clasping around his throat, making it harder to breathe through the tension between them. It’s a juxtaposition, the way David’s closeness makes him feel a resounding calm while also sending him into a spiral of panic.
After a time –Exer doesn’t know how long, too distracted by the way his best friend’s arm rests against his– David breaks the stillness again. “What’re you thinking about over there?”
Exer blinks, not sure how to answer the sudden question. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know what you’re thinking about?” David asks, chuckling lightly. “Okay then.”
“No. I-” God, why are words so hard– “I know what I’m thinking about, I just– I don’t know how to explain it.” David nods, and Exer takes it as a sign to continue, “I’m just– I’m so tired. ”
“Well, you are awake at two in the morning.” David points out.
“I know, I know, but that’s not what I mean." Exer pauses, hesitant about continuing and spilling all of his turmoil to David, but he shakes his head. No more secrets, he'd promised. "I’m- I'm tired of hiding, I’m tired of the magic, I’m tired of this whole fucking situation, I’m tired of– of feeling like this .”
“What’s this?”
“Tired, guilty, anxious, confused. Lost, I guess. Sick. Just not good, generally.”
David nods again, and Exer knows that means he’s thinking over what Exer said, so he just leans his head back against the rock and stares up at the stars. They’re clear here, the sky unpolluted in their little town. It’s another thing Exer likes about this spot in the woods, how it makes him and his problems seem so little, like they won’t swallow him whole the second he leaves. It’s easier to talk here, where he feels like nothing outside really matters anymore.
David clears his throat gently. “Do you want to talk about it?”
Exer thinks for a second before shaking his head, “Maybe in a minute. Right now it’s just a big mess, and I really don’t know how to sort through it just yet.”
“Okay,” David agrees easily, and Exer is reminded again why he doesn’t deserve him. “I’m here, though. Best friends forever and all.”
Exer smiles gently, leaning his head against David’s shoulder. It shouldn’t mean anything, but Exer feels his pulse skyrocket and his face warm. He stays there, though, even as David goes somewhat rigid and shifts awkwardly. “Thank you, Day.”
“Of course,” David says, voice slightly pinched for some reason that Exer can’t quite pick out.
They’re silent again, watching the sky reflect off the still lake once more. Exer doesn’t conjure his cat again, content enough with David by his side. The quiet stretches out a little too long, fading from comfortable to awkward, especially because David is still tense where Exer’s head lies.
Exer frowns, “Are you okay?”
David jumps, nearly dislodging Exer from his shoulder completely, “What?”
“You’re really tense, are you okay?”
“Oh, uh, yeah. Fine.”
It’s unconvincing at best but Exer drops it, realizing that without David’s cooperation that conversation would go nowhere. Instead, he asks a different, more specific question, one he knows might cause even more tension between them, but it’s been eating away at him far too long for him to hold back.
"Day?"
"I already said I'm fine, Ex."
“No, uh, that's not what I was going to ask."
"Oh." David rakes his fingers through the grass beside him, leaves rustling underneath his hand. "What is it, then?"
"What were you going to tell me on Halloween?”
This time David does recoil far enough that Exer is forced to pull back, and he immediately misses the contact. “Nothing.”
“David.”
David shakes his head, pointedly not looking in Exer’s direction, “It doesn't matter. It’s fine now. I’m working on it, don’t worry about it.”
Exer’s brow furrows and he leans back, confused, “Working on what?”
David’s eyes widen in the dark, and he curses, “Do you really want to know? Do we really have to do this right now ?”
“David, please tell me. I really do want to know.” Exer places a gentle hand on David’s shoulder. “I’ll accept you no matter what.”
David peeks back at him, features outlined by the soft moonlight. “You will?"
“I will. You accepted my wacky magical witch powers, and I’m sure nothing you can tell me will be weirder than that.”
David blows out a laugh that sounds more scared than humored, but he relaxes anyways, allowing his back to fall against the rock with a thud. Exer waits patiently for David to speak, not wanting to broach the silence too soon and scare him away. It's never been this tense between them before, with so many things unsaid and so many feelings tucked away. He wonders when it got so complicated, when their friendship developed into this horrible game of secrets. He supposes it's his fault, as most things are, because of both the magic and the whole Brenda thing. Still, Exer misses when things were simple, when the only thing that disrupted their easy relationship was when Exer accidentally pushed David off the swingset or when David accidentally broke his favorite action figure, instead of them mutually hiding things from each other and pretending everything is fine when it isn't.
David moves beside him, pulling Exer's attention back to their current batch of secret-uncovering. Before David can say anything, Exer speaks again. "You don't have to say anything if you don't want to, not yet. I can talk instead, I just… I feel like there's a lot going on right now, between us, and we really just need to have an open conversation about it all."
David looks at the ground, twirling a single blade of grass between his fingertips as he mulls it over. He licks his lips before answering, a nervous tic he's had for years that drives Exer insane now. "I know we do but I… I'm scared, Ex."
Exer breathes out a shaky laugh. "Me too, man. I'm absolutely fucking terrified."
David gives him a wobbly smile in return. "Can we take turns? You tell me something you haven't, I tell you something? We can start with the lighter stuff and work into the hard things."
"Sure, I'll start."
"Okay."
"Okay." Exer twists the drawstring of his hoodie, trying to figure out what secret to start with. There are so many words clawing at his chest and throat, flooding his mind with guilt every waking second that he wasn't quite sure where to start. He ends up leading with, "I have a therapy appointment next week."
"Oh," David responds, looking caught off guard by the simplicity of Exer's statement– clearly he'd been expecting something worse. "That's– that's great, man! I'm really happy for you."
"Thanks." There's a pause there, but neither of them can really think of a way to really continue on that topic, so Exer says, "It's your go."
"I know."
"Okay."
David is quiet for another moment, deliberating, Exer assumes, before finally muttering, "I don't want to be on the football team anymore."
That is certainly not what Exer had been expecting. "You what?"
"I want to quit the team." David shuffles around uncomfortably before continuing. "I mean I can't, obviously, my dad would disown me immediately, and according to him my entire future would be ruined. It's not fun anymore though, without you there, and none of the guys actually like me anymore anyways. It feels like an obligation instead of a hobby now more than ever, and I'm so tired of practicing day after day for games I don't really care about. I don’t know if I ever cared, actually."
Exer only nods, encouraging David to continue. The guilt moves from his throat and instead settles hard in his stomach like lead. He'd quit the team without even considering the repercussions for anyone else– yet another selfish action to stack on his ever-growing tower of mistakes.
David, unaware of his internal turmoil, keeps talking. "I'd rather do other things with that time than run laps and tackle people for a damn leather ball. Ron's on the team, sure, but it's not the same as you being there, and I don't want to keep wasting my life over my dad's unlived high school football fantasies. I want to– I want to see mom and Brenda outside of school more often, I want to hang out at the arcade like we used to, I want to visit you at the café every day after school. I want to have time to myself without my dad hovering over my shoulder, drilling me about why I'm not practicing, or working out, or being his perfect little American football son."
Exer places a gentle hand on David's shoulder as the other boy shakes, the long-repressed anger pouring out of him in torrents. He hadn't realized David was feeling this way, so absorbed in his own problems with his magic and Jackson that he hadn't seen his best friend struggling beside him. He can tell it isn't just about football– it's about David's dad, how much pressure he puts on his son to be perfect, to be popular, to be the typical high school jock and fit the little box that William had tried to shove him into from the minute David was born.
"I'm sorry," Exer starts, because he doesn't know what else to do but apologize. When did he get so bad at being a person? "I- I wish I could help with that, but all I can really say is that I'm proud of you no matter what. If you do quit the team and it pisses off your dad, you can always come live with my dad and I. You're basically a son to him anyways."
David chokes out a wet laugh, wiping a hand across his eyes haphazardly. "Yeah, thanks. It's not your fault, I'm just tired of stupid William and his even dumber worldviews. I probably won't quit the team, just to spare myself the agony of having to deal with him and the guilt of dropping it when Coach is relying on me to carry the whole team now that you're out. Thanks for listening, though, I appreciate it."
"Yeah. That's hard though, David. I really am proud of you."
"Thanks," David says again, the line of his shoulders a little less tense. "Really, thank you, it's been– it's been a while since I've heard that, so."
Exer's soul crumples a little more at that, but he drops the topic because David's clearly resigned himself to staying on the team and Exer probably can't change his mind. Instead, he says, "My turn, huh?"
"Yup, better make it good." David jokes, but Exer can hear the underlying fear. It makes sense– the last time Exer revealed something big he accidentally threw David seventy feet in the air.
Exer ponders over what to say before finally landing on, "Sometimes I look in the mirror and I barely recognize myself."
Exer's thought it so much that it barely affects him to say, but when he looks at David and sees his eyes wide and glittering with tears in the moonlight, he realizes that maybe that's a worse thing than he thought it was. It's confirmed when David takes a long, shaky exhale and whispers, "That's really not… that's not good, Exer."
Exer backtracks quickly, not wanting to bother David too much– it's just a silly thing, anyways, he isn't sure why he mentioned it at all. "It's no big deal, really, I don't even know why I-"
"No," David interrupts, voice thick with something Exer can't quite name. "No, it's important, Ex. We're going to talk about it."
Exer snaps his mouth shut abruptly before choking out a quiet "Okay", not sure why his friend's insistence touched him so much.
"Okay," David echoes again, and it's almost funny how many times they've had that exact same exchange tonight. David must realize this too because his lips quirk upwards slightly before he continues. "What do you mean by that? That you don't recognize yourself?"
"I just mean like–" Exer pauses, trying to find the right words for how he feels when he stares at his reflection and he can't remember who he was before all of this hell began– "I look at myself and– I see my reflection and I just can't remember being who I used to be. Exer Campbell just seems like this weird, far-off concept, like some kid that I used to know but I can't remember the exact features of. He was confident, he knew what he was doing and where he was headed and I… I can't think past the next second, sometimes."
"You've changed a lot recently, man."
Exer swallowed thickly. "I have. And that's a good thing, I think, because I hate who I was back then, looking back on it. I just– I see myself and I look so dead that I don't see the reflection as me , but as some awful, exhausted monster, some twisted stranger I see in passing. I'm so tired all the damn time and I don't even remember what it's like to dream because I barely sleep. I can't recall what it's like to be excited for the next day– I'm just dragging myself through it over and over again and I want to go back to actually living , but every time I try something holds me back, something tells me I don't deserve the luxury of happiness. And I feel like I can't talk about it, I can't mention it because it's my fault, anyway, and I don't want to burden the people around me with my mental issues when I've already caused so many problems for them. I know it's stupid, and it's wrong, and that I'm not really a burden or whatever. But it won't stop, and I'm just so… lost."
David's quiet for a second, and Exer's almost afraid he's said too much. His hands are shaking, and he debates taking it all back, just getting up and leaving and pretending he'd never said anything at all, but then David wraps his arms around him and it's okay. David pulls Exer close and tucks him against his chest, and Exer immediately feels better, even though a tiny voice in the back of his mind whispers you don't deserve this. He can hear David's rapid pulse and, even though the pace is frantic, it slows down Exer's swirling thoughts until he can breathe again.
David makes no move to pull away so Exer doesn't, either. David settles his chin on the top of Exer's head, laying his arms over Exer's side. They'd done this before, but only rarely– it's a position usually reserved for when one of them was having a really bad day and needed a lot of physical contact to feel better. They're both fairly tactile people, so it works for them, and Exer's glad that they're there now. It's like David is holding him together, this way, and it doubles as insurance that neither of them would be leaving anytime soon.
As Exer settles himself better against David's chest, trying hard to ignore the pounding of his heart against his ribcage and the way he can feel his face flushing, David whispers quietly, "Is this good?"
"Yeah," Exer whispers back, watching the clouds move over the stars from David's arms. "Thank you."
"Okay," David whispers again, like he's scared that if he makes too much noise he'll scare Exer away. "Well, thank you for telling me about how you're feeling. I appreciate it, and I wish I could help more."
"It's all right," Exer breathes. "You're helping a lot right now."
Exer feels David's pulse skyrocket under his cheek, but his friend's voice is level when he speaks again. "If it ever gets bad just let me know, yeah? Call me whenever, come get me at school, I don't care. I want to be there for you, Ex, but I can't be there if you don't tell me you need me."
"I will, I–" Exer feels a tear slip down his cheek, but he doesn't bother to wipe it away– "thank you, Day."
"Always. And if you need me to hold you just like this until you feel found again, I will, okay? No matter what."
"Okay," Exer says again, because apparently his vocabulary has been reduced to nothing but affirmatives and gratitude. "It's your turn."
"Oh jeez, I have to follow that?" David jokes, although the slight waver is back in his voice, the little tremor of fear that plucks at the strings of Exer's heart. He hates to hear it, but they need to be having this conversation, they need to talk. David tightens his hold on Exer, just a little, and Exer tucks himself further into David's chest, burying his cheek in the softness of his gray sweater as David begins to talk. "Okay, so, uh, this next one is a thing I've been grappling with for a while, and it's kind of been eating me alive this entire school year."
Exer raises an eyebrow but says nothing, waiting for David to continue in his own time. They have all night, after all, and there's nobody here but them. He can wait as long as David wants him to, now that he knows he won't leave.
David sits with the silence for a second before taking a deep breath and declaring, with no other context, "I like men."
Exer chokes, whether on his own saliva or on the pulse in his throat, he doesn't know. He coughs harshly, caught horribly off guard both by David's declaration and the way it makes his own chest light up with hope. It's a weird feeling, an odd response for him to be having to David coming out as… whatever. He doesn't want to get too deep into it right this second because he can feel David tensing and his arms loosening, can feel him getting ready to bolt, and that absolutely cannot happen. So, Exer does the best thing he can think of while choking, which winds up being a thumbs-up that nearly takes out David's eye, and coughs out, "Rad."
David sputters out a laugh, clearly caught off guard. "Rad? Really? I tell you I'm into guys, while holding you in my arms, and all you have to say to that is 'rad'?"
Finally done nearly dying, Exer's face flames as he realizes exactly how dumb that must have looked. "I mean, it's cool. I mean– ugh." Exer covers his face with his hands briefly, thinking over all the possible ways this could have gone better before dropping them and restarting. "I mean, I've told you before that being gay isn't wrong. People get upset so easily by the wrong things. Why should it matter who you love, as long as you make each other happy, you know? That's what dad says, anyways, and I agree. So, yeah. Rad."
All at once, Exer feels the tension in David's shoulders drop, like he'd been carrying a weight there that he's finally managed to shake off. Exer can tell there's still something David isn't saying, but he figures he will if he gives him the opportunity to. They still have another couple rounds of this to go, anyways– Exer still hasn't told him everything either.
David tightens his hold on Exer once more, this time absent-mindedly trailing a hand up and down his arm. "Well, I'm glad you think so."
"I do." Just for fun, Exer decides to prod him a little bit. "So what made you realize you were into guys? Was it Brad Pitt?"
David's hand freezes on Exer's arm, giving himself away immediately. Exer pulls away slightly to look at his face, and, upon seeing his best friend's cheeks completely red, barks out a laugh of disbelief. "No way. No fucking way. Is that why you made me watch The Dark Side of the Sun with you so many times when it came out last year?"
"...maybe." David mumbles, avidly avoiding eye contact as Exer collapses into a fit of giggles on top of him.
"Oh my god, that's hilarious– you always said it was because it's a heartwarming story, but you really just wanted to ogle Brad Pitt, huh?"
"Oh, shut up." David shoves Exer playfully, a wide grin stretching across his face, "I didn't tease you this much over your crush on Sigourney Weaver."
"You did actually, you ass." Exer shoves him back before settling against his chest once more. "Wait, do you still like girls? Or do you just flirt with them to avoid suspicion or whatever?"
"No, I still definitely like girls," David says, wrapping his arms around Exer again. "There are just a couple guys that I'm into, I think."
"Mm." Exer hums, nodding against David's chest, "So is there any specific guy or girl you've got your eye on right now, or just Brad Pitt? 'Cause as sexy as you are, Day, I severely doubt your ability to pull that ."
David shakes his head against the top of Exer's, and he can feel David's pulse skip again against his temple. He can't tell if it's from the question or because he called him sexy, but Exer's heart decides to skip too, because what if it's him that David likes?
It wouldn't have mattered even a month ago, but now the possibility has Exer's chest tight and his stomach full of butterflies.
Instead of answering him, though, David only pokes him in the shoulder gently. "That's too many questions. It's your turn. Maybe I'll tell you when it comes back around."
Exer sticks his tongue out but concedes, deciding to follow David's lead and voice the source of all his confusing, not-quite platonic feelings recently, "I think I might, too."
He feels David shift slightly behind him, "Might what?"
"Like guys," Exer responds, letting his gaze drift to the moonlit lake. "Well, one guy, specifically," he amends, tracing a pattern on David's sweater sleeve with his index finger.
David's quiet, but it's not a quiet Exer can read, so he just waits, not quite sure where to go from there without prompting. Eventually, David asks evenly, measured, "Why do you think you like him?"
Exer considers this for a second, watching a bug skitter across the surface of the water as he figures out how to answer David's question. "Well," he starts finally, heart in his ears and face hot, "recently, I've been having these thoughts that… aren't exactly in platonic territory, and I just– feel differently about him now. Feel more. Does that make sense?"
David nods against the top of his head, so Exer continues, "He's just– he's so bright, and so beautiful, and he makes me feel so happy and so calm. It's like… sitting with him, talking to him, touching him, it– it feels right, like something I don't know how to live without. He's just… he means so much to me, Day, and I don't know how to tell him that. I just want to hold him forever and never let go, and it terrifies me how much I need him."
David sighs and nods again, but when he speaks his voice sounds tight, almost, and thick, like he's holding back tears. "I think I know what you mean."
Exer pulls back slightly again so that he can see David, and he pokes him gently in the shoulder. "It's your turn."
David laughs wetly, "It is."
It's quiet again, and Exer wants to interrupt it, to say something, anything, as his heart threatens to fight its way out of his chest. He opens his mouth to speak, to ask if David's okay, but David breaks the silence first with a barely audible whisper.
"I think…"
"Yeah?" Exer prompts gently, and David locks eyes with him. Exer wonders, as he stares into moonlit blue, how he hadn't felt like this before.
David blinks once, twice, and he's trembling a little bit, his hands shaking where they're clasped together at Exer's waist. Exer leans closer, desperate to hear whatever David has to say.
"I want to tell you. What I was going to say on Halloween, and if you want to go, that's okay. If you're absolutely disgusted and want nothing to do with me anymore, I'll get it. I won't be angry. But I'm– I hope I'm getting the right signals here, Ex, but if I'm not, I'm so sorry." David exhales again, shakily, and as a tear runs down each of his beautiful pale cheeks, he whispers words Exer never knew he was waiting for.
"I think I'm in love with you."
It's so soft, so gentle, but Exer feels like he's been bowled over. He takes a second to stare into David's worried eyes, to trace the lines of his face with his gaze, to map them out in his head because he never wants to forget this. He never wants to forget the way David's brow furrows, the way his cheeks shine with tears and moonlight, the way he feels so solid against him. Exer wants to pause time here, to keep this moment where it is and never let it go because Exer doesn't know if he's ever felt this light. He leans even closer to David until they're practically nose to nose, both of them barely breathing. "It's my turn now, right?"
"Yeah," David breathes, eyes flicking down to Exer's lips and then back up to meet his stare. "Yeah, it is."
"Well, Day, I think I'm a little bit in love with you, too."
David looks at him for a second, and they're so close, lips almost touching. Exer is about to lean forward and close the gap when David starts to snicker, and then laugh, and then there are tears streaming down his cheeks and it doesn't take long until they're both hysterical, clutching each other for support as they break down together.
"Jesus Christ," David wheezes. "I was so scared. I was so fucking scared–"
"I didn't even–" Exer's crying, and laughing, and he doesn't know how to stop it– "I didn't even notice I might like you until a few days ago!"
"We're so dense." David agrees, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "I've got you beat though, I've liked you since at least Junior year."
"Oh shit," Exer exclaims, putting together pieces that make his heart hurt. "So… you liked me when Brenda and I-?"
"Yeah," David whispers, eyes downcast. "That's why it hurt so much when I found out– out of everybody, you had to pick my sister, and then you hid it from me for a year. It cut deep, man. I'm not mad about it anymore, and I forgive you, but…"
"I think…" Exer starts, unsure, "I think that's when this started for me. When we started talking again, I mean. I think I realized how much I missed you, and it kind of grew into–" Exer gestures down at himself and between the two of them– "this."
"Like 'distance makes the heart grow fonder' or something?"
"Or something, yeah." Exer runs a hand through his hair. "I am sorry though. About Brenda, and that I kept it from you for so long. I know you said you forgave me already, but it still wasn't right."
David shrugs. "I made you scared to tell me by being overly protective of her. You should have told me, yes, but some of the blame falls to me for being so possessive of you both."
Exer nods, letting the topic drop and instead bringing up another thing he'd been wondering. "Does Ron know? About you and–?"
David chuckles, "Yeah, he does. That's why he dragged me to the café and then ditched so we could talk. He figured it out after, um… he's just a really observant guy and I couldn't really deny it when he presented me with evidence. He was cool with it, though."
"Yeah, that sounds about right for Ron. I'm surprised he didn't figure me out."
"Me too. Maybe you're just really subtle?"
"Or you're just extremely obvious."
"Hey!" David protests, crossing his arms over his chest. "If I was extremely obvious, then you must've been incredibly oblivious."
"I concur." Exer laughs, cupping David's bright red face with his hands. "Should we tell him? About whatever this is? And Brenda and Pam?"
David shakes his head, although it's hard with Exer's hands holding his face in place. "I don't think I'm ready for that yet– admitting my feelings to you took a lot out of me, and I'm not really ready for people to know. I want us to figure this out together first, y'know? Plus there’s my dad, and…"
"Mhm, that makes sense. I think that's good– I don't really want to tell anyone about this yet, either." Exer smiles up at him. "What is this, anyways?"
"Well, we did the whole sappy confession thing, but I don't think we ever made it past that."
"So uh," Exer says, face reddening, "would you like to?"
"Like to what, Exer? Use your words." David smiles teasingly, and Exer rolls his eyes.
"Would you like to make it past that? Would you like to… be my boyfriend?"
"Woah there buddy, moving a little fast there, aren't we?" David teases again, but Exer can feel his pulse jump under his fingertips. "I mean, you haven't even taken me on a date yet, or kissed me, and you want to be my boyfriend already? What if you're a bad kisser, huh?"
"Well," Exer smirks, equal parts amused and fond, "why don't we find out?"
David opens his mouth to reply, but Exer will never find out what he was going to say because he swallows whatever response it might've been with his mouth, pressing his lips gently against his best friend's and wondering, as David's hands tangle in his hair, how he'd managed to live without this until now. David's mouth tastes a little like toothpaste, and Exer’s starting to hurt from the uneven ground they've been sitting on for hours, but it's still the best kiss he's ever had.
Exer pulls away after a couple seconds, dropping his hands from David's face and leaning back on his heels to await his appraisal. "Well?"
"Um," the other starts, pressing a hand to his mouth gently, eyes wide and shining, "Wow."
"Wow?" Exer prompts jokingly.
"I mean," David clears his throat, "adequate. Perfectly fine. Pretty great. Rad, even."
Exer snorts, and then David snickers, and then they're both laughing and holding each other again. Through a breathless chuckle, Exer asks, "So does this mean I get to be your boyfriend now?"
"No, silly," David giggles, flicking Exer in the ear gently. "You've gotta take me on a couple dates first. We've gotta, y'know," David giggles again, "get to know each other."
"Does this ," Exer waves around, "not count as a date? I mean, stargazing is a totally normal date activity."
"Right, because every first date consists of crying, coming out, and revealing your deepest secrets to one another at," David squints at the watch around his wrist, "four in the morning, Jesus."
Exer rolls his eyes, "You're acting like you don't want me to be your boyfriend. So was the whole 'I've been in love with you for years' thing just a ploy to make out with me, or…? 'Cause if that's the case, I can just–" he gestures to the forest beyond with his thumb, an eyebrow raised in query.
"No! No. Fine. I do. I do want you to be my boyfriend, one hundred percent, more than anything," David protests, grabbing onto Exer's hands. "Although the kiss was nice too and I would like more of that first, please. To make up for the lack of proper dates."
"Hmm…" Exer pretends to consider it, bringing a hand up to rub at his chin in mock thought until David mutters an expletive under his breath, shoves Exer’s hand aside, and crashes their lips together again.
Exer laughs against David’s mouth before settling into the kiss. It feels so easy, so natural, the way David’s mouth moves under his, but at the same time it’s electrifying– like a magic attack, only much, much better. Exer can feel his control slipping, can feel the magic sliding out and wrapping around his hands and ankles, but he doesn’t want to stop, and he has a feeling that the magic won’t do anything bad this time. He closes his eyes and focuses on David, just David, and the way his lips feel, the way they part under his, the way David practically melts when Exer runs a hand through his hair just so , the way he shivers happily when Exer trails his hands up his chest. He’s learning so much about his best friend today, and Exer isn’t sure he ever wants to stop learning. His dad always did say he was adventurous– although this probably wasn’t exactly what he had in mind.
They stay like that, exploring each other as best they can in the dark, limbs clumsy with exhaustion and faces flush with emotion, until David gasps against his mouth and Exer pulls away, startled.
“Are you okay?” He asks, worried that he’d manage to screw something up, again.
Instead of answering, David just points over Exer’s shoulder at the lake, eyes shining. Exer glances back, eyes widening at the sight of what he’d accidentally done.
Apparently, his magic had gotten too excited and decided to have a miniature repeat of Exer’s firework show from Halloween, just above the surface of the lake. It’s quiet, which explains why he hadn’t noticed it before, but even now that he's conscious of it it continues. Small bursts of light in every possible color burst and shimmer, reflecting in the still surface, and Exer thinks for the first time in a while that maybe having magic isn’t so bad.
Exer turns back to David, who still looks awestruck, and admires the way the colors bounce off his hair and reflect in his blue, blue eyes. He wonders, distantly, how what he feels for the boy in front of him could possibly be wrong to anyone. It feels so right, so completing to be held in his arms like this, to watch the fireworks he created bring so much joy to his best friend, and in that moment the love he feels for David is so deep that he feels like he might drown.
This time, though, he doesn’t think he’d mind. He’d be happy to let David invade his lungs, flood his senses, have his way with him, and then leave him to die, if only it meant they could stay this way for a little longer, his back to David’s chest as they watch the colors explode in the distance. It’s like watching his heart beat, the bright flashes detonating in time to his pulse, his love for the person beside him portrayed right in front of him for the world to see.
Well, just him and David, really, but at this moment it feels like they’re the only people in the world that matter, and Exer’s perfectly content with that. The world outside this pocket of the forest could be crumbling for all he cares, but as long as they’re here together, he thinks he’ll be okay.
They watch the display together, letting the time slip away from them as the show continues above the water. After a long while of admiring the blond, Exer tucks his head under David’s chin, letting a quiet smile slip onto his face. “It’s for you, I think,” he whispers, taking hold of one of David’s hands and rubbing circular patterns across it with his thumb.
“That is probably the coolest compliment I’ve ever received,” David whispers back, still entranced by the colors. “Wicked.”
“So, is this good enough first date material for you, or do I need to pull more magic tricks out of my ass to prove I make a good boyfriend?”
“No, I–” David reaches and settles a hand on Exer’s chest, right above his rapidly beating heart- “I think this is the best date I’ve ever been on. I’ve never had a girl or a boy create fireworks out of thin air for me before, and I’m not sure anything can really top that.”
Exer grins, “Is that a challenge?”
David breathes out a laugh. “If I say yes, are you going to take me on another date?”
“Obviously. What’s the point of having magic powers if I don’t have a boyfriend to spoil with them?”
David traces the lines of Exer’s chest, and Exer’s sure it’s an absentminded thing, but it still fills his stomach with butterflies. “Then yes, it is a challenge.” He pauses for a second before muttering, “Wait, does this mean I have to come up with something better too?”
“Better get to thinking, Day. Right now it’s one point for me, none for you.”
David shrugs, “Honestly, I feel like a winner right now anyway. I mean, my crush of over two years and my best friend of ten is apparently my boyfriend now, which I’d totally convinced myself would never happen and I’d have to bottle my feelings for you until we both died. So yeah, feeling pretty cloud-nine.”
Exer smiles brightly, but before he can respond and tell David that he’s feeling pretty happy, too, he’s interrupted by a wide yawn. He hears David yawn above him too, and he frowns. “What time is it now, Day?”
“It’s… Oh, holy sugar, it’s almost five thirty. We gotta get back home, man, or our parents are going to kill us.” David lightly shoves Exer forwards and off of him. “C’mon, Ex, we gotta go. I know I’m comfortable but there might not be a second date if we don’t make it home before six.”
Exer grumbles but stands anyway, the fireworks immediately fizzling out once he loses contact with David. All of the blood rushes from his head when he finally gets to his feet and he almost faceplants into the dirt, but luckily David is there to catch him. He smiles at David’s worried look. “I’m okay, I swear, I just really need to sleep more. I don’t think I’ve actually slept in at least forty-eight hours, so I’m just really, really dizzy. And there’s like three of your face right now, which is great because it’s triple the handsome.”
David gives him a look that says what the heck, Exer, and just sighs, like he can’t believe he fell head-over-heels for an idiot like him. Exer doesn’t know how that happened, either, but he thanks whatever deity is out there for letting a little blessing like David slip into his otherwise terribly cursed life as he rights himself and takes his boyfriend’s hand. Together they walk up the slope and out of the woods, but David pauses at the end of the path, his brows furrowed and his mouth slightly twisted, like he’s conflicted over something. Exer stops with him, waiting for David to tell him what’s up– he’s sure he will, once he figures it out himself.
After a few more seconds of consideration, David looks at him and says, “I’m staying with my mom right now.”
This doesn’t really click for Exer at all– he knew that, obviously, but he can’t figure out why that would matter right now. “Yeah, I know.”
“I mean, like, she’s a lot more laid back then my dad. She would ask less questions, or at least be less upset, if I somehow ended up at your house in the morning instead of hers.”
“Oh. Oh. ” Exer blushes, his fingers tightening around David’s. “Yeah, uh. You can give her a call once we get to mine, I’m sure my dad won’t mind, but are you sure?”
David smiles at him, squeezing his hand back. “Yeah, I am. I don’t want anything to happen to you on the way back, and honestly I’m way too tired to walk all the way back to her house afterwards.”
“Okay,” Exer says, and then because he feels like he should say something else, he adds, “thank you.”
“I know you’d do the same for me if I looked like I was on the verge of collapse.”
Exer laughs. “Probably, yeah.”
David smiles at him again and then tugs at his hand, a sign that they should get moving. Exer follows for a couple steps before almost tripping over a tree root and falling on his face, again. David gives him another capital ‘L’ Look before rolling his eyes and crouching slightly, positioning his hands behind his back. When Exer doesn’t do anything, because he is very confused and very tired, David waves one of his hands and says, “Hop on.”
Exer blinks, “What?”
David blushes, his ears going bright red, and repeats himself. “I said ‘hop on’. You’ve almost fallen, twice, and I won’t be able to live with myself if within the first hour of having a boyfriend I break him.”
“I can walk by myself, Da–” Exer starts, and then immediately contradicts himself by stumbling over a rock.
“Obviously not. C’mon, last chance to hitch a ride on the David Express. I’ll be fine.” David wiggles his hands again and Exer concedes, ambling over to the blond and hoisting himself up. David grabs securely under his thighs and Exer wraps his arms lightly around his neck. Once David is sure Exer’s secure, they begin up the trail once more.
It should be embarrassing, Exer thinks as David carries him towards home, but honestly it’s pretty nice. He hasn’t gotten a piggyback ride from David in ages . It’s soothing, too, the gentle up-down motion as David walks, and it lets Exer’s mind drift into a state of half-sleep as he rests his chin against David’s shoulder. He doesn’t bother worrying if he’s too heavy– if nothing else, their years of football has made them both pretty strong, and Exer is certain that David will let him know if carrying him gets to be too much.
Exer’s still drifting in and out of sleep when David stops. He whispers something that Exer can’t really make out, so Exer just buries his face into David’s neck in response. David shakes his head gently and repeats himself, a little louder. “We’re at your house. Do you want me to carry you in, or would you rather I drop you?”
If Exer were being honest, he’d say that he doesn’t want to have to touch the ground ever again, but instead he sighs and says, “You can drop me.”
David releases him and he slides down his back gently, stepping up to his front door and reaching into his pocket for the keys. Once he finds them he pulls them out and, after a couple tries, unlocks the door. They both slip in quietly, no longer touching in any way, now mutually aware of the presence of other people besides them. David makes his way into the living area to call his mom and Exer strolls over to the kitchen, tearing his note off the counter and crumpling it into the trash can. He figures he’ll explain where he went at the same time that he has to explain why David has suddenly appeared in their house when he hadn’t been there the day before.
Exer then joins David in the living room, waiting as he finishes up his conversation with his mom in hushed tones. After a couple more minutes of quiet talking, he places the phone on the receiver and shoots Exer a grin and a thumbs-up, to which he responds with a smile and thumbs-up of his own. David gestures towards the stairs and Exer nods, whispering as he follows behind him, “How many questions do you think Brenda will have when you get back?”
“Oh, no,” David says, groaning as if in pain, “please don’t remind me. She’s gonna drill me so hard, I know she will.” He pauses at the top of the staircase, turning to Exer with wide eyes. “What do I even tell her?”
Exer shrugs. “The truth, I guess.”
David barks out a short laugh. “Right, that would go over so well. ‘Yeah, sorry I vanished, I was just over in the woods making out with your ex-boyfriend. Oh, by the way, I like dudes’. I can’t tell her that!”
“You could tell her most of the truth,” Exer amends, face coloring slightly. “Just say you couldn’t sleep and saw me walking by and got worried, so you walked me back home and I asked you to stay over.”
David hums, thinking it over, before nodding slowly. “Yeah, that could work. It won’t answer all her questions, but I don’t think she’ll push it. We’ll tell her the full truth soon, anyway. Probably.”
“We will.” Exer agrees. He makes a shooing motion with his hands, almost smacking David in the butt. “Now go, move. I’m tired, we can think over all of this crap later.”
David rolls his eyes but agrees silently, and they both sneak past the master bedroom and into Exer’s as quietly as they can. Exer shuts the door, holding the handle down so that the mechanism doesn’t click loudly, and then they’re alone in Exer’s room at almost five thirty in the morning.
It should carry more weight, now that they’re dating or something, but Exer has neither the time nor the energy to grapple with the ethics of sharing a bed with his new boyfriend as a teenager. He just grabs David’s arm and practically drags him to the bed, throwing them both down onto it as soon as they’re close enough and settling into as comfortable a position as possible while not letting go of David or really bothering to lay on the bed properly. David ends up shifting them both so that they’re at least oriented the right way, and then they kind of sit in the quiet of Exer’s room as it’s steadily painted with the very first light of dawn.
“We could watch the sunrise, if you wanted,” David says, and while Exer can appreciate the romantic sentiment of it, he appreciates the warmth of David’s arms and the closeness of sleep more.
“‘M good,” he mutters into David’s shoulder. He throws an arm over his boyfriend’s chest and wraps a leg around one of David’s, keeping him firmly in place.
“Yeah, okay,” David concedes, pressing his cheek into Exer’s hair and wrapping his arm tighter around Exer’s body. “We can do that tomorrow. Thank God it’s Saturday.”
“Thank God it’s Saturday,” Exer echoes, feeling sleep begin to pull him under. Before it can drag him away from the moment, he looks up at David with bleary eyes and smiles as wide as he can, taking in every detail of his barely-lit face so that maybe he can dream about it, too. “Thank you for following me, for worrying when I can’t. I–”
He pauses, searches David’s eyes again, and he lets a tear slip out as he whispers thickly, “I love you, Day.”
Even though he'd said it before, at the lake, it feels different now in the closed space of his room, more profound in the still air of the sleeping house. David exhales shakily, seemingly feeling the weight behind it as well, and cards a gentle hand through Exer’s hair. Exer feels a drop hit his cheek as he settles back into the crook of David’s neck, and then hears a little sniffle, and then David’s pressing gentle kisses to the top of his head, whispering I love you, I love you, I love you over and over again, like he’s been holding it back and can’t bear to anymore, like he's trying to make up for lost time.
Exer smiles softly, squeezing his boyfriend as hard as he can with what little energy he has left. David squeezes him back, still whispering into his hair. Exer can’t understand the words anymore, but he can feel the love and weight behind them, and it makes the concept of tomorrow feel less scary. They’re both gonna have a shedload of explaining to do, to their parents and to their friends, and Exer hasn’t quite sorted everything out within himself yet, but with David right next to him, holding him so gently yet so tightly, Exer feels like they'll get through it.
They can handle it, because at least they’ll be together.
And, as the sun peeks through the window and shines with the promise of a future, as soft fingers brush through his hair and lull him to sleep, Exer thinks that for the first time in a while, he’s right where he wants to be.