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Jhin stands in front of the mirror, bare and distressed. They work diligently on their body like a sculptor with marble. Ever difficult to carve out, but the results are something to truly marvel at — until the results aren’t what you had in mind and the ideal body is out of reach. For them, it’s always going to be unattainable. It’s why he takes great pleasure in caring for his prosthetics; they were tailored to his specifications and needs. The way they flex, bend, and glimmer as he glides through a room — cathartic.
Their eyes meet their reflection and those pangs of inadequacy return, diminishing that minute validation. Jhin’s body can’t be customized to their liking and knowing that alone is enough to make them feel suffocated by their own skin. Isn’t there any way to seek solace within this body? Any possible way to finally call it home?
Softly, their fingers trace along the scars of his shoulder before meeting the cold metallic sensation of the prosthetic. It brings mild comfort until his eyes glide over the rest of his torso and fall to not-so-prominent hips. The bones protrude, but the whole is narrow — displeasing. Irritation swirls in his stomach at all the things he can’t change. Anger is one of the many things he masks, but it sits just beneath the surface; it’s always ready to rear its grotesque head at a moment’s notice. They wrap their arms around themself as if to hide and stare at the unmoving reflection before them — it stings. In ways that words can’t describe, but simply put: this body doesn’t bring happiness.
This twisted view only keeps getting more and more skewed the longer they stare. Melancholic, Jhin’s hands dig into the skin beneath warm and cold fingertips until it burns. It burns with all the scorn that self-loathing has to offer. The act is met with another pair of slender hands removing each nail from raw wounds with care.
“Hey there,” Rakan murmurs, “That’s my lover you’re hurting. Please stop.”
Jhin’s grip loosens and their fingers interlace with Rakan’s. There’s a silent, desperate call for help facing them both in the mirror. Warm brown eyes now wet with tears threatening to fall. They never do, but the pain is still there all the same.
Their partner holds them tightly, feathers grazing against his body in all of its disrobed vulnerability. The warmth of Rakan’s chest pressed against their back is soothing in its own right.
“Why am I made this way? Flawed in ways I cannot remedy nor accept,” Jhin’s voice is despondent as he speaks. “All of my life — all of it, I have put forth so much effort in a futile attempt to be enough for others and somehow in the midst of it all I never learned how to be enough for myself.”
Rakan removes himself from the embrace and seats himself on the floor, inviting Jhin into his lap. He happily wraps his arms around a lithe waist and nestles his chin in the crook of Jhin’s neck.
“Y’see, self-image is a difficult thing to tackle especially when it keeps throwing punches. Learning to love yourself is hard, I know, but I’m here to help you. Whatever you need, I will provide however I can, okay? I’ll keep loving you even after you learn to love yourself,” Rakan states. “No matter how long it takes or how many lives we live through,” he says as he fondly runs his hands over his partner’s torso and rests a hand over their heart. Their skin is soft and well cared for, he considers himself lucky enough to always be this close. “Besides, you’re bound to kick that bully in the pants one day, baby.”
There’s a low and warm laughter that escapes their chest, it rumbles underneath Rakan’s palms. The sound is music to his feathered ears, it’s a battle won for today. There’s a long way to go, but that’s alright.
“Thank you, darling,” Jhin says, leaning into him.
“Anytime, my love,” Rakan replies softly against his partner’s shoulder, leaving a kiss behind. He takes in the victory by savoring Jhin’s touch as they reach for his hands to hold. A mixture of hot and cold intermingle against Rakan’s skin and send goosebumps up his arms. He loves it when that happens. He loves his partner and all that they are. There’s nothing about them that he would ever change and hopefully one day they might feel the same way.