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When Hawks first got the mission to infiltrate the League of Villains, he was warned a lot. Well, not warned, but told to prepare for the worst. His handler made the LoV seem like they would treat him so ruthlessly, it would make the commission seem kind (not the exact words she used, but he got the message).
The first time he spoke with Dabi, he made sure to appear casual and laid-back, laying it thick on the No.2 Pro Hero Hawks persona he always used when interacting with the public. They loved him like that but Dabi simply told him to drop the act before getting straight to business. It took Hawks exactly 3 seconds to snap out of the shock which was 4 seconds too long.
It took a long time for Dabi to trust him enough to introduce him to the rest of the League. He was taken to one of their bases and told to make himself at home. The report to the commission was shorter that time around, mostly because he was too out of his element to properly react to what was going on around him. The entire evening felt more like a daze and Hawks would have absolutely believed it to be a hallucination if it wasn't a reoccurring thing.
Shigaraki spent most of his time either shut away in his room or playing video games on the worn out couch, cursing loudly enough to sometimes draw the attention of others. Mr Compress would simply be part of any conversation that was happening near him all while practising more magic tricks. Hawks always forced himself to focus somewhere else, knowing the magic tricks would draw his attention enough to block out whatever else was going on around him. Spinner would either play video games with Shigaraki, or be huddled on the other couch with his phone and headphones, occasionally exclaiming something about some anime (Hawks wasn't sure what most of it was about, but he didn't want to ask in case it was something so obvious that he simply missed out on during his life). Toga was a curious one as she either spent her time too focused on sharpening her knives and needles (all while talking about her loved ones) to care about everyone else, or she made it her mission to get on everyone's nerves. She did calm down slightly after annoying Shigaraki enough for him to slam his hand down on the bar and make it decay. Hawks, who was sitting at said bar, almost covered half the floor with his feathers as he scrambled away from it, his wings aggressively shuddering. He laughed it off, claiming to have been so exhausted he got startled and the others mostly believed him. Twice was always happy to drag Hawks into a conversation whenever Dabi had errands to run, and he was probably the only person he could truly get along with. (He didn't think he knew Dabi well enough to say they got along.) Kurogiri spent his time at the bar or in his room, barely saying much outside of occasional scolding.
Dabi, however… Dabi was still nothing but a mystery to Hawks. He either completely ignored Hawks or he spent the entire time talking to him about the most random things. It threw him off. One day he could be engaged in one of the most intriguing conversations of his life (He still doesn't quite believe that there is a correct way to have pizza but that might be because he only had it twice, both at restaurants that charged far more than necessary) or he finds himself stealing glances at the blue-flame villain and almost wishing he would glance back even once . It was a new territory and he had no idea what that feeling meant, but Toga always giggled when she caught him staring at Dabi.
So.. he was warned about the League of Villains and he already knew that sometimes there was no use in trying to figure out why a certain conversation started. That was how he ended up in his current predicament.
"All I'm saying is that Hawksie wouldn't have a song here!" Toga almost growls at Dabi who stares at her with absolutely no emotion. "Shiggy fits 'Heart of Stone' a lot better and you fit 'No way'" She offers no explanation and Hawks is still going over the song lyrics on his phone. For some unknown reason, Shigaraki announced that they would have a karaoke night, and for another unknown reason, Mr Compress suggested musicals. He can't quite remember who suggested 'Six' but now they all sat and argued about who should sing what song.
"Listen, psycho, if you think I fit anythin' else other than 'Don't need your love' then you don't get a fuckin' say." It was quite possibly the most passionate he has seen Dabi be and he cannot believe it was over a musical about dead fictional people . Hawks quickly scrolls through the lyrics of the song that was just mentioned and his wings flutter slightly as he feels almost offended that Dabi relates to that song. He helplessly stares at Spinner who has by now given up and is playing video games on his phone.
"What does the Pro Hero think?" Shigaraki drawls from his seat on the couch, a curious glint in his eyes. All eyes turn to him as he fidgets with his phone. He was good at judging situations and judging people at a brief glance, but judging the LoV and assigning a musical song to them? This was far above his pay grade. "No need to be shy." Of course, he knows he has no choice but to give it a good consideration.
"Let me just - " He pulls up more lyrics on his phone, quickly reading through some lines - "Shigaraki. You get Heart of Stone"
"I was right~" Toga's voice…
"Shut the fuck up!" Came Dabi's swift reply.
"Make me, you over glorified ashtray..!" Once again, Toga.
"You blood sucking bi- " Dabi's voice, cut off by Toga throwing herself (and a knife) at Dabi as he starts a flame in his hand.
"Will you two behave? " Kurogiri quickly separates the two, sighing.
Hawks blinks, then continues, deciding to ignore the situation. "As I said, Shigaraki - Heart of Stone. The loss of All For One clearly had some effect and yet you're still going strong." He explains and moves to look at Toga without waiting for a response. "Toga, you get 'Don't Lose Your Head.' It's a song about jealousy - I think - and doing no matter what to get who you want. Not a perfect fit, but it fits you better than anyone else here."
"Perfect fit! Both are crazy-!" Twice seems to agree.. maybe fully? Hawks still isn't quite sure what his situation is but he wasn't one to pry into trauma unprompted. Not yet, at least. (Not until the commission specifically told him to, really).
"Twice gets 'No Way.' From what I can see it's a song about being replaced? Correct me if I'm wrong, but that feels fitting for Twice the most." No one really tries to argue except for Toga who tries to but Shigaraki quickly decays her knife before she can use that as her main point. Hawks briefly glances at Dabi before looking over at Kurogiri. "Kurogiri fits 'Don't need your love' the most. My reason is that you simply seem like you'd do fine either here or anywhere else, and you don't seem to need anyone else's approval to act." He knows that's not quite true, but he also seems to be the only member of LoV that has the potential of being fully independent without dying.
"Dabi is… 'Get Down.'" Toga's eyes sparkle in his direction as her grin grows wide. Even Shigaraki lifts an eyebrow at him. Hawks decides he does not like those looks and quickly continues. "You fit the 'angry revenge' better. I think you would rather have power over those who hurt you than the simple satisfaction of being better off without them. You want to thrive on their losses.. or something." He trails off, shrugging.
"So who the fuck gets the last one?" Dabi leans forward and Hawks can feel his burning stare on him.
"Obviously, I fit 'All you wanna do.'" There's some silence as the others think about it but Toga quickly speaks up.
"But Hawksie! You might be popular but you thrive on that attention! We've all seen your interviews~" Hawks chuckles at that, ready to wave it off and just get on with the night. Dabi seems to have other plans as he tilts his head, some staples catching the light from the window and making Hawks glance over.
"You had such good explanations for us all. Explain your own choice then." He smirks as Hawks briefly glances down at his gloved hands. "The song really doesn't seem to fit the No 2. Pro Hero Hawks, beloved by so many." The tone of his voice is clearly a bait. Hawks knows that if any other people did this, he would smile, agree, and move on and yet… something about Dabi makes him speak up before he can really think it through.
"The song is about someone who was abused and used from a young age. Had been manipulated and assaulted by 4 key figures in their life. It's the perspective of someone who works hard and yet people only love them for what that person can provide. It's all artificial love that means nothing because they either want to see the person at their mercy, or worse off than them. I can safely say I fit this song better than you all, especially since, as you said Dabi, I'm beloved by many." His voice is light, his tone almost cheerful as he huffs out a laugh at the end.
"You're one fucked up bastard, huh." Shigaraki's casual tone is what snaps him back. It takes him less than a second to fully realise how much he shared and it takes him less time to abruptly excuse himself, pretending that he just got an important message and leaves the room, some of his wings scattering in his agitated escape.
Fuck.
He might not have shared any specific details but he shared a weakness.
Fuck fuck fuck.
He knew he had to show the League he could be trusted but there were plenty of staged and faked weaknesses he was supposed to slowly feed them. Yet all he did was offer up some of his past on a silver platter, all because.. because what? He wanted to one-up Dabi?
FuckFuckFuck-
The League gave him his own room when he was first introduced and he quickly slams the door to it behind him, just barely making it to the bed before he collapses onto it. His throat feels tight and almost seems to burn as he takes a shaky breath in. His wings feel like led and he lets them just rest atop him, the faint trembling the only warning of an upcoming panic attack. He hasn't had one in a while but he still remembers how awful they felt and how he would always be put in a room, alone, until he dealt with it. That usually meant panicking until he passed out… so he screws his eyes shut and tries to focus on something other than... everything. His breath hitches when he eventually feels his scattered wings being picked up and he tries to focus on that, feeling warmth spread through his wings.
This was definitely one of his weaknesses. His wings were always considered a weapon and the commission always treated them with either calculated movement or they ignored whatever pain he was feeling in favour of making sure they looked correct . Whoever picked up his wings was gently holding onto them, gently stroking through each feather. It seems to be the best thing to focus on so he tries to match his breathing to the rhythm of the fingers slowly stroking them. Hawks first feels that a warmth near him before he registers that someone was sitting on the bed beside him, warming and preening his wings. As soon as he realises, he takes one deep shuddering breath out, his head finally clearing enough.
"You with me, Birdie?" The hands preening his wings heat up slightly, making him shudder as they gently straighten another feather, faintly brushing down it. Before he bothers responding, he tries to focus his breathing, following the steady pace of Dabi's fingers against his wings. He takes that time to cool his face down as feeling Dabi this close to him made his body flush. It does not take long for him to relax enough to sit up and he lets himself regret that for a second as Dabi's hand swiftly moves away from his wings.
"Sorry about that. Not sure what happened there!" He tries to brush this all away, grinning a perfect grin, letting his wings ruffle slightly, the feeling of such warmth slightly alien to him. "What did you want?" Hawks tilts his head, trying to figure out why Dabi was even in his room. Said villain stares at him in complete silence for about 2 seconds before huffing and looking away.
"Are ya serious? You just had a panic attack and you're gonna act as if nothin' happened?" He gives Hawks a near disappointed stare and it makes the hero lean back a little, his wings drooping, something that catches Dabi's attention. "Your act won't work on me, birdbrain, so stop with your bad acting." Hawks stares at him in silence, feeling more lost than he ever has. Was Dabi seriously just… acting like a panic attack was not a weird thing? His thoughts clearly show on his face as the other speaks up again. "I've seen a fair share of 'em in my life so chill. I ain't about to exploit that as a fucking weakness or whatever."
"You don't think I should be able to handle some stronger emotions?" He asks before he can stop himself, instantly regretting it when Dabi's face shows.. either surprise or anger. He can't quite tell if surprise is an emotion he's even capable of having.
"You got.. overwhelmed. It happens, alright? " More silence follows. Dabi looks as uncomfortable as Hawks feels. Neither have ever discussed deeper things and it's clear Dabi has not had to show care in a long time, if ever. When the silence continues to stretch, he speaks up again, this time some anger seeping into his voice. "Fuck's sake, birdbrain. What I'm sayin' is that you're allowed to react around us, even if ya think the emotions are a weakness. You've seen Toga cry over her favourite knife breaking. You've seen Shigaraki have a near meltdown over a fucking match with Spinner. We may be villains but we ain't about to make fun of ya over having feelings ." Hawks stares at him for a moment, too shocked to really comprehend the words. Suddenly, brief panic flashes across Dabi's face and he flinches back as if struck. "Shit- Wait-"
"What the fuck ?" Hawks just barely chokes out as he feels a tear slide down his cheek. "You're supposed to be a villain ! You're not meant to care about any of this!" He quickly rubs at his eyes, trying and failing to stop himself from spilling more tears but suddenly everything becomes just a little too much. Suddenly he thinks about how Toga would annoy him a little less when he was exhausted after his daily patrols. He thinks about Shigaraki throwing him a controller and challenging him to a game, easily distracting him from whatever was plaguing his mind. Of how Kurogiri always seemed to have a spare can of his favourite coffee at the ready before he had to leave for the night. Of how Spinner would help him gather his feathers when he got startled, always being more gentle than expected. Of how Dabi always dragged him onto the couch for a conversation and lazily draped his arm over his shoulders (something he thought was meant to annoy him but the warmth that would seep through his body always helped him relax). "You're all so fucking nice ." He bites his lip, the pain helping him focus.
"We're not… nice . It's just what we do. Nice. Evil. Doesn't matter. We take care of our own." Dabi runs a hand through his hair and sighs before sitting down beside him. "Fuck, birdie. If you wanna cry, go ahead. You wanna scream and destroy shit? Go a-fucking-head." He shakes his head, his hands moving to clutch at his hair. The League of Villains was supposed to be evil. They were supposed to be despicable monsters that only wanted to hurt others. A knock on the door makes his head snap up fast enough to make Dabi flinch.
"Hawksie? We've left some cake for you in the kitchen! Shiggy is pouting but he agreed to leave a slice for you so.. so feel better soon! We still need to do karaoke, so you better come out before we send someone to drag you out!" Toga's voice drifts off as she starts to hum a tune. She didn't show any signs of knowing Dabi was in the room with him but he's sure they all knew anyway. A moment passes and he feels himself slump, his wings feeling heavy - heavier than they usually do. The commission was wrong about the League.
"Fuck, Dabi. I… I have to go." He shakes his head, knowing that he couldn't keep going with the mission like this. "I need to leave. Permanently." They may have caused problems but the League was just… just a bunch of teenagers and young adults that were tossed aside by society. Sure, they killed some people, but the heroes weren't all that innocent.
"You can stay." Before he can protest, Dabi holds up a hand. "I know you're a spy. You ain't as good of a liar as ya think. Sure, you were convincin' and perfect for us but.. you were too perfect without showing any real flaw. I haven't told Shigaraki yet but if you wanna stay then.." he shrugs, glancing away.
"You'd… let me stay? Even if you knew I was only here as a spy?" He stops fighting the tears now, simply pretending that they weren't steadily sliding down his cheeks. If he can't stop his problems, he might as well pretend they don't exist. " Why ?" Dabi pauses for a moment, deep in thought, before speaking up, his voice quiet.
"Because I kinda of get ya. You're workin' so hard so that people notice, right?" When Hawks nods, Dabi sighs, mild resignation settling in his shoulders. "When I was a kid I was the same. Always wanted to show my dear ol' dad that I was worth somethin' but he didn't care. He had another toy to turn into his perfect little replacement. I still tried to show him that I could do it so…" He shrugs, his hand lazily waving over his own body. "I burned. I clearly can't handle my own quirk so when it got too hot I just burned and burned until I stopped breathin'. Pronounced dead, buried in history. Got revived, took up a new name, and now I just wanna watch the bastard burn." Hawks watches Dabi as if in a new light. He knew that the flame user had a troubled past and always refused to reveal his real name, but this was probably the most he's heard the villain talk.
"How old were you?" He asks, unsure why that was the first thing he asked.
"...I started training when my quirk first manifested. I… 'died' at thirteen." He looks Hawks in the eyes, not shying away despite the intense gaze. The two stay in silence for a moment before Hawks lets himself fall back onto the bed, resigned.
"Getting me out of the commission won't be easy." He mutters, feeling exhaustion slowly wash over him. The fact that he considers going to sleep with Dabi still in the room shocks him a little bit - he must either be truly exhausted or he somehow trusts the villain enough. Deep down, he knows he has trusted the League of Villains more than anyone from the commission. "When I'm not undercover, they always have at least one person keeping an eye out on me. Even when I go back to my penthouse, they have someone keeping track of where I am. My usual phone is tracked and I don't technically own any of my money." The words spill from his mouth before he can even think about them, his brain apparently made up that he wanted to call it quits. That it would be better with the villains. Maybe not easier, but definitely better.
"We'll get ya out, birdie. I'll leave ya be so take a nap. Wanna tell the others yourself or d'you want me to do it?" Hawks thinks about what it would be like to actually escape the commission. Maybe he can try to simply get his file first, see if he even had the courage for that, then decide on the next step. Or grovel for forgiveness if he turns out to be a coward. Dabi grabs a blanket from the foot of the bed, holding it in his hands for a moment before tossing it over him. A soft cooing sound escapes him when he realises the blanket was warm and he buries his head in the pillows.
"You can tell them." He mumbles, hoping Dabi will understand him despite the pillow blocking most of the noise. He feels the other get up and the extra warmth slowly fades. He falls asleep before he has even left the room.