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Flashes of red, green, and blue haunt him, followed by the tell tale sign of familiar pain. Calls for a person who never seemed to want him go unanswered as usual, and the never ending cold of loneliness is seeping into his bones.
A big wave crashing loudly into the side of the ship thankfully tore Sanji from his dark dreams. Drenched in sweat and plagued by an elevated heartbeat, he had to take a few good seconds to remind him where he was. The soft sway of the Sunny and the loud snoring of some of his crewmates clearly told him he was safe, safe in his cot on the ship.
Not locked away in shame. Not beaten without a way to fight back.
Safe.
With a sigh, he ran a hand down his face, and the familiar craving for a smoke arose in him, urging him to step outside. Once the cold salty nightair hit his face, he found himself exhaling, trying desperately to shake off the reminder of that nightmare.
Still, shaky legs carried him to the railing of the Thousand Sunny, where he stood overlooking the crashing waves, seeing the moonlight fracture and reflect on the ocean's surface. Leaning forward, he quickly lit himself the very needed cigarette, and greedily inhaled the first bit of smoke.
If asked, Sanji wouldn’t have been able to tell you how long he was standing there. It could have been a few minutes or hours - he only knew he was startled out of the clouds of bad memories when the door to the boys room opened.
“Oiii, Sanji, why are you uuup!” That whiny voice was unmistakingly his captain, someone he had a difficulty facing ever since… everything. It has barely been two days since they finally left Whole Cake Island behind.
Guilt and self-hatred quickly settled deeply within his already weary mind. So, without turning around, he answered. “Just takin’ a smoke. Go back to bed Luffy.”
By the way Luffy just ignored Sanji's word and hopped to sit on the railing next to him, he guessed his captain didn’t buy a single word he said. “I will keep you company then!”
They settled into silence after that. It was in no way a comfortable one, not like they used to be. Sanji has not forgiven himself for all the trouble he had put everyone in. The cold look of Nami and the screamed words of 'I cannot become Pirate King without you, Sanji!’ from Luffy after their duel were still burned into his brain.
As was his captain's blinding smile after everything was just so simply forgiven. When the clouds parted to give way to sunshine, surrounded by a field of fallen soldiers. He did not deserve Luffy’s forgiveness. He did not-
“Stop that.”
Blinking, he almost flinched as he felt Luffy poke between his brows, where a deep frown had settled on his features. Turning his gaze to Luffy, he saw his captain fix him with a rare serious look.
His confusion must have shown on his face, because Luffy spoke up again. “You’ve been nothin’ but frownin’ ever since we got you back. Stop that.”
It was such a simple request, but it touched Sanji’s heart nonetheless. It seems his captain has been doing that a lot lately. Yet he did not wish to shed any more tears in front of him. So he just nodded, clinging onto his long extinguished cigarette.
“Aye captain.”
It was said so softly into the night that the ocean almost seemed to swallow the statement up whole. Without much conviction, so much that even Luffy could see the obvious lie once more.
For a few quiet moments all that was heard was Sanji's inhale as he took another drag from his cigarette, trying desperately to disperse the tense air between them. He tried to will his face into a more neutral position, yet it seemed as though the frown was as deep set as the dreams that haunted him.
Luffy seemed to notice as well, eyeing his nakama beside him, thinking about what to say or do to reassure his cook.
The solution came in the form of a passing shooting star, flying by so quickly Luffy almost missed it. Blinking, he was about to lament almost missing it when another shot by. An excited gasp left his lips and he immediately tugged on Sanji's shirt, getting his attention. “Sanji! Look!!”
Sanji's gaze followed his captain's insistent pointing, looking up into the night sky. Just then, three stars zapped by, joining the already brightly starlit sky.
And they simply kept on coming, showing no sign of slowing down. It reminded them both of the meteor shower shortly after Robin joined. She had woken everyone up to watch it together and it was a fond memory for everyone who was present that night.
“Shishishi~ Brings back memories! OH! We should get the others!” Before Sanji could protest, his captain was already running off, calling out to the few people on the ship, waking them up, and going on about pretty lights in the sky.
The frown that has etched itself so deep into his brow slowly gave way to a tired, yet warm smile.
Sanji wasted no time, knowing that most people would not appreciate being woken in the middle of the night, and quickly headed into the kitchen and started to make hot chocolate, knowing how cold it already was outside.
The mixture of annoyed groans and excited squeals of his crew slowly filtered into the kitchen. He clearly heard Chopper’s voice of awe about the shooting stars. Making haste, he quickly put all the needed mugs on a serving plate and headed outside, where he was met with everyone gathering around, wrapped in blankets and their nightwear.
Upon seeing Sanji emerge with steaming hot cups of hot chocolate, Nami immediately perked up, a soft smile on her face. It took a lot from him to not flinch away under her even kind gaze. The betrayal and hurt in her wonderful eyes still stuck with him so rawly. Yet he pushed those thoughts aside, as best as he could.
“Sanji-kun! Thank you for the drinks, it’s freezing. This brings back memories, does it not?” Nami said once she accepted the mug.
Once all mugs had been distributed, he saw Brook lay out a blanket for everyone to sit on on the grassy deck of the Sunny. Luffy plopped down immediately, followed by Chopper, whose eyes were trained on the sky, a clear wonder in those big eyes of his. Nami gracefully sat down on her own, Carrot quickly following and immediately cuddling up to her.
Carrot.
Another wave of icy guilt washed over him. Sanji had been informed what happened to Pedro. What he had to give up for them to escape. How much it had broken Carrot's heart. He was unsure if that was a fact he could ever forgive himself for, amongst all the many other things that transpired at that island.
So, instead of joining them, he stood at the side, watching. This was fine. He could ignore the ache of longing in his heart. He had no right to be at their side again. He-
“Sanjiiii! Come sit down! Brook will play for us! Come! Come!” The excited voice of his captain stopped his ramping thoughts. There was no contempt, no underlying hatred, nothing of the sort in Luffy’s voice. Just a warm acceptance and eagerness to have his crew, at least those who are together at the moment, all by his side.
He shouldn’t. Shouldn’t indulge. Doesn’t deserve to- but something in Luffys gaze, so open and honest made him give in.
So, he goes and sits down, right at his captain's side.
Without another word, Luffy leans onto him, looking up at the stars and gasping every time a cluster of shooting stars flies by. Without any direct acknowledgement, an arm is wrapped tightly around his side, holding him close.
And as Chopper also scoots closer, settling himself comfortably in his lap, Nami coming to rest her head on his shoulder and hearing Brook start a calming melody on his violin, Sanji’s broken and battered heart slowly mends itself together, one small bit of openly shown love at a time.
It would not erase the years of suffering he had, nor the reopening of just those wounds - but, wrapped around in care and affection of his crew, he believes he will, in time, learn to fully accept their love.
Here, under the moonlight, with his crew beside him, welcoming him back with open arms, he breathes again for the first time since he left the strawhats.
For the first time again, he is home.