Work Text:
Akira,
I suppose that’s the first time I’ve called you by your first name. Well, here’s your permission: you may call me by my first name posthumously, if I am ever brought up. But then, I doubt the thieves would much like to discuss me. God, I can already hear their misplaced pity. The sooner they can forget, the better. Though I do hope you won’t. I’m glad we didn’t tell them about my fate, cruel though it may be. I know you would've preferred to, so I appreciate your silence on the matter.
But it’s not as though you’ll see this, anyway. Most likely, this letter will be erased as the world returns to normal. That’s for the best. It gives me more freedom to be honest- and honesty is a rarity for me. I’ve spent a lot of my life shrouded in lies. It’s a useful skill to have; you should work on it.
I do recall feeling guilty the first time I told a lie. Though I was still in the right, back then. He deserved to get hit, and I didn’t deserve to get punished for it. My time in that home didn’t last too long, regardless.
It’s interesting. I’ve never really talked about that point in my life before. I think about it often. Maybe I would’ve told you stories like this if we’d had a little more time. But this is how it should turn out, right? I only turned into more of a liar. The villain always dies in the end, and the hero gets to move on to greater things. I would say I hope you find those better things, but I don’t know if I do. I’d rather the game continued. An ongoing series… the thief vs the detective. Though we broke the simple episodic formula once we worked together, didn’t we?
I have wondered why you asked me out so much, this past month. I had expected a begrudging team-up more than anything. I wasn’t particularly agreeable. But you really didn’t seem to mind, somehow. It was almost a relief. I know you have your own violent side, though. I always revelled in that.
Much better than what I showed before I died, anyway. It’s a little blurry, and I’m grateful for that. I didn’t want your friends to see everything I allowed them to, in that moment. Imagine the humiliation in my place. Seven people to whom I was forced to bear my soul, without any of them understanding the full context. Perhaps that’s how palace rulers feel. God, I’m glad I didn’t have a palace. If you started digging around in my head, I would’ve shot you in yours.
Too soon?
Sometimes I do wonder what you think about that. I don’t know how you could move on so easily. Perhaps the degree of separation from it? When I killed you, it was with a smile on my face. You were, well, you are, infuriating. But it’s not like I would’ve done it if it wasn’t necessary to kill him.
And oh, I do wish I had the opportunity to really destroy him before I left. Did you know that he never even mentioned me, when he confessed? I just wasn’t significant enough for him. I wish he was dead. Apparently, Maruki’s reality still kept some people in prison. But I’m sure he isn’t getting his dues in the cushy prisons of an ideal reality.
I would’ve loved to understand the intricacies of this world. You can’t make EVERYONE happy. But I supposed contendedness is somewhat more manageable, and from what I’ve seen, that seemed to be his goal, over true happiness. True happiness… You could get a similar result drugging someone up to their eyes. But no one would want to live that way, of course. That’s how I see it. None of this is real, and it’s not a perfect happiness anyway. If it was, then…
Well. Let’s not share too many thoughts, hmm? Even if this won’t reach anyone else’s eyes.
I can admit to myself at this point that I did… Care for you. I would at least want you to know that. I never could bring myself to tell you. It would’ve been a bit awkward, too, don’t you think?
Don’t misunderstand, I do still hate you. But I found myself wanting to get to know you more. Usually I’m not interested in people beyond the face they present to the world, and how their hidden desires may be useful to me. Am I more self-aware than you thought? I know I’m not a good person. It was never about that. I abandoned being a hero when mom killed herself. But even villains can have a soft spot, right? That’s how it was with you.
It’s only natural that you’d turn out to be the obstacle in the way of my goals. But that’s in the past.
Ah, what to talk about… I went free soloing once, you know. We never talked much about our hobbies, did we? It seems a bit of a trivial conversation topic. Did you even have any hobbies between all the people whose lives you spend fixing? But I digress. I was in one of those particularly destructive moods, for a while. You understand, right? You can be rather reckless as Joker. I really did enjoy it. It wasn’t the most difficult path, but there was a sense of accomplishment. Maybe a taste, I remember thinking, of what destroying Shido would be like. An infinitely high mountain… Being at the top is a grand sensation. It makes you think you’ll never die. You’ve just overcome something potentially deadly. The sheer terror of hanging off a cliff-face is exhilarating, and overcoming it even more so.
It’s different when you know you’ll die. More peaceful, I suppose. I’ve had a few weeks to accept it, but technically speaking, it was only confirmed a few hours ago.
Once, when I went to a new school, they forced me to do some icebreakers. God, I fucking hate icebreakers. “What would you do if you had one day to live?” What a way to get to know someone. Awfully morbid, for children. But everyone always talked about all the people they’d say goodbye to. Pissed me off, back then. Or maybe it was just jealousy. At that point, I just said I’d do a final rerun of my favorite show. A fair idea. Then, if you’d asked me a few years ago, I would’ve said that I would spend my last day stabbing my fucking father’s guts out on live television. No consequences, after all. And now…
I don’t know. I’m not doing much of anything. There’s probably better things to do than write this. I could drink myself stupid for the first time. See what it’s like. But then, I still have to fight Maruki tomorrow, and his voice is irritating enough without a hangover.
Maybe I should’ve spent it with you. Awfully romantic, isn't it?
…And there it is, I suppose. The truth. I can’t say there was never anything there. I wonder… If I lived, would you have accepted such an outcome? I don’t know that I’m capable of the requisite love to uphold a relationship. And it all feels ridiculous from the outside. But even so, it’s nice to entertain. You never exactly shut me down before my true nature was revealed. Would you do so now? I know you don’t want me to die. But you would feel the same about anyone.
Shit… I really thought I was okay with this. I was always supposed to die, after my goal was fulfilled. The school counselors always wondered why I never applied anywhere, with my skill. I know I probably could get in anywhere. But I anticipated the remains of the conspiracy disposing of me, and if they failed, I would go into hiding and figure it out from there. Could I even find a purpose? Everything that didn’t revolve around him always felt pointless.
And yet, I find myself wishing I had more time. I’ll lay the blame on you for that. It would’ve been nice to say I could die without any regrets. Still, accepting of my fate or no, there is no universe where I could accept this reality. You will never understand the depth of my relief that you agree with me. To be a doll for Maruki to play with… I was that for Shido for years. Never again will I be controlled. At least being controlled won’t be a possibility at all by this time tomorrow.
I do wonder if I’ll see mom again. I’ve always expected eternal oblivion to be the most likely outcome. Though, all that baseless religious drivel came to be a bit less ridiculous given access to the metaverse. I’m no scientist, but I understand why Isshiki wanted to study it. It really is fascinating. If there is some kernel of truth to it, maybe I’ll tell you about this letter someday. Maybe we can laugh over how dramatic I was. And maybe…
Well. I suppose I’ll see.
Please don’t forget me.
I love you
Goodbye, Akira.
Sincerely yours,
Akechi Goro