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Nicky remembers two lives. He remembers being Nick, growing up with Glenn (or more often than not, without Glenn), playing drums because of Glenn, being a mini rockstar and smoking weed. He remembers being Nicholas, following his dad Jodie around, aspiring to be just like him one day, getting straight As and being a good kid. Some of these memories blur, like they’re overlapping and mixing until he’s not sure what happened to him and what was just an echo from a former life. He thinks, who was it who bought me the Xbox when I was ten? before remembering it was Glenn; he'd forgotten that Jodie had had an anti-electrictronics phase when he was ten and how could he forget that? Nicky remembers his mom two ways too. Morgan Close was a bright blur with colorful hair and a smile that could light his room up. His memories of her were so much blurrier, they were all from when he was so young, before she died. He obviously remembers his mom, Morgan Foster, who made him cookies when he was at school and always was willing to pick him up from school early when he was having a bad day. He remembers her on her health kicks buying weird things at the store with him and Jodie trying to figure out how to cook them properly. Nicky remembers the grief from losing his mom as Nick in the abstract, but it’s weird, because he still sees his mom every day. He’s mourning for a person who doesn’t actually exist. Glenn’s Morgan was different from his mom. They aren’t the same, and he doesn’t even really remember her, so why is he still sad? Some of the clearest memories he has, the most separated and differentiated, are actually the most similar. Being taken out to ice cream, either in the front of a cruiser or by the bus. One of the clearest memories is that Nicky remembers how he came out both times, to different dads.
Nick Close, eleven years old, clicked the light on by his bed as he heard his dad come home. He glanced at the clock, rubbing his eyes. Before midnight, huh. That was nice. His dad had been having band rehearsals going really late, but that was fine, because it was metal as fuck. He was okay with making food for himself, he knew how to make pasta and sandwiches. Plus, sometimes he could go over to Grant or Terry’s house and eat with their families, which was cool too. Nick got out of bed, pushing his hair from his eyes. He was gonna do it. He was going to tell his dad he was a boy.
Nick was sure it would be fine. His dad was cool. Plus, his dad had been playing gender fast and loose before he had Nick. Glenn didn’t know that Nick found the pictures, but he had. He had been looking for pictures of his mom, and he did find some, but he also found some of his dad from the nineties. In the pictures Glenn’s hair was longer than Nick had ever seen it, almost past his shoulders, and his eyes were heavily rimmed in eyeliner. Glitter was smeared on his cheekbones and he was mid laugh, earrings glittering in the bright light of the flash. He’d never told his dad he found them, just tucked them away with the pictures of his mom. But seeing those pictures, along with the knowledge that his dad was bisexual, bolstered his confidence. Really, he didn’t need to be so worried about it. His dad was so cool and great he didn’t need to worry about him being transphobic or getting mad or being unhappy or getting sad like he used to. It would all be okay. Plus if it really did go super badly, which it totally wouldn’t, he could always go to stay with the Oak-Garcias until he figured it out. Henry and Mercedes were both transgender which was very cool and Lark and Sparrow were two of his best friends.
He walked down the little hallway between his room and the living room, where he could hear Glenn trying to be quiet so as to not wake him up and failing. He could hear the guitar amp hit what was definitely his dad’s foot and a muffled yelp, followed by a whispered “fuck!”. Nick tried to make noise as he walked, so he wouldn’t scare his dad by sneaking in like a ghost. It was funny sometimes, and Glenn would get a good laugh out of it after he got over the initial shock, but he was trying to be serious tonight.
As he walked into the small living room, Glenn looked up from where he had been putting his guitar and amps away.
“Hey, kiddo. Thought you were sleeping.”
Nick shrugged. “Wasn't tired.”
“That’s cool. Glad I didn’t wake you. D’you have school tomorrow?” Glenn half-smiled, sitting down on the couch, and patted the spot next to him. Nick sat down next to him, curling close to his dad’s side.
“Yeah. Tomorrow’s Wednesday. But like, I don’t have to go. They don’t teach anything important anyways.”
Glenn made a soft, noncommittal noise, and put his arm around Nick, hugging him from the side. His dad must have been in a sadder mood, because he wasn’t usually so quietly affectionate. Glenn obviously loved him and told him so, but the more silly stuff like hugs and other things like that were less frequent. It was nice when he was like this.
“Dad? Can we have a serious talk for a second?”
“Yeah, of course. What’s up?” His dad turned to face him, his face not not concerned.
“Um, so you know how I have a lot of friends who are boys? Like Grant and Lark and Terry? I just, uh. I think I might also be a boy? I was talking to Sparrow— Sparrow Oak-Garcia— about it, cause he’s kind of only a little bit of a boy and kind of just not either, so I felt like I could kinda talk to him about it. I just, um, yeah. I’m a boy, actually.”
Nick looked at his dad, trying to parse what he saw on his dad’s face. He wasn’t really worried about what would happen, like he said earlier he knew his dad was cool. But it was so nerve wracking to see his dad trying to process what he had just said. Nick hated the fact that he had stammered so much and been so nervous-sounding. It was so lame. He didn’t want his dad to think he was lame. Nick didn’t even realize he had been crying until his dad reached a hand out to wipe the tear from his cheek.
Glenn pulled him into a tight hug, giving him a kiss on the top of his head.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay. It’s okay. I love you. This doesn’t change that at all. I just want to be able to like, be the best dad I can for this situation. Uh, do you have a new name? Or are you gonna keep this one?”
Nick looked up at his dad, and wiped his face.
“I was thinking about Nick. Like, the better version of Nicholas.”
“That’s pretty cool, kid. That’s a great choice.” Glenn ruffled his hair, smiling.
“So, um, can I maybe get a haircut? Not too short, cause the rocker look is pretty good, but it’s just kinda girly right now.”
“Yeah, totally. Do you need anything else? I don’t know a ton about all this, might have to ask Henry about it…” He trailed off.
“I was hoping about maybe getting a binder? Like, for my chest. You can get them online I think. When I’m older I might want to like, have hormones or whatever but right now I’m not sure. I was googling about puberty blockers too, but I don’t know.”
“Yeah, we can get you a binder for sure. Sounds easy. And for the blockers, I can totally look into them. I don’t know how the process of getting those works, though.”
Nick hugged his dad again, finding familiarity and comfort in the smell of his dad’s hair, the way his hands were so strong when he held Nick.
Glenn opened his mouth to say something, unsure how to carry the conversation from there. “Do you need water or something? Like, crying can really dry you out.”
Nick nodded, still curled up on the old couch.
Glenn walked over to the fridge, and got him a glass of water. The ice machine sputtered like it always did, and he slammed his shoulder, not too hard, against it to get the perfect amount of ice in the cup. God his dad was cool.
“Here you go, man.”
Glenn had called Nick “man” before, in the way he had called most people “man.” It was a casual thing like saying “dude” or something similar. But it just felt so nice for someone to casually acknowledge him being a guy that Nick burst into tears again. Immediately Glenn set the water down on the side table, looking kind of scared.
“Nicky? What happened? Did I say something wrong? Are you okay?”
Nick buried his face in his hands, still crying. He didn’t understand what was making him so emotional all of a sudden. It was silly.
“‘S nothing, Dad... ‘m just so happy.”
Glenn smiled, and he could see tears forming in his dad’s eyes too. He hugged him close, his dad pulling him to his chest.
“That’s great, kid. Hopefully we can be happy together now, father and son, ya know? A dynamic duo, as it were. Maybe when you’re older, we can have a band…” Glenn trailed off, lost in his thoughts as Nick knew he did when he was high.
“That sounds so cool.” Nick had stopped crying, and was just sort of staring off into space for a little while, and then Glenn snapped his fingers.
“I’ve got it. Why don’t I cut your hair? The lady you go to is nice, but I don’t know if she’ll do it the way you want. Plus, I’ve given more than a few on the road haircuts.”
Nick immediately smiled, sitting up straighter. “That sounds great! I mean, yeah, sure, totally.”
They made their way towards the bathroom, Glenn retrieving scissors from Nick’s backpack. When they got there, he had Nick sit on the counter as his dad trimmed his hair.
As he cut Nick’s hair, he smiled at him. “It’s not gonna be perfect, but it’ll definitely be fucking badass.”
As he promised, it wasn’t perfect. Glenn had trimmed Nick’s hair from just long hair to the shoulders to what was essentially a low-effort mullet. It was kind of uneven, and even though Glenn had tried to use a razor to make the sides shorter, they were still pretty long. The effect was charming, though, and the red streaks he had already dyed into his hair looked even cooler now. Somehow the style suited Nick’s face better, and looked more right on him. Maybe it was just him feeling more happy in his body, or maybe it was really the haircut. Whatever it was, it made him feel more himself and masculine than he’d ever felt. Seeing the hair on the counter felt like freedom.
Glenn’s phone lit up, a random notification that allowed him to actually remember the time. It was well past one in the morning now, and he swore.
“Hey, Nicky, I think it should be time for bed for you. You have school, or whatever. I can get you called out tomorrow if you want, but like, you should still go to bed. I’m ready to hit the hay too, actually.”
Nick nodded, and walked towards his room, turning on the light before changing into fresh pajamas that didn’t have hair on them. He arranged his clothes for the next day, ripped up jeans and a Led Zeppelin t-shirt. As he was getting into bed, he heard a soft knock on the door.
“Yeah?”
Glenn poked his head in, in pajamas already. “Too old to say goodnight to your dad?”
Nick ran over to him, and gave him a huge hug. “Night, Dad.”
“Love you, Nick.” Glenn pressed a kiss to his forehead before turning the light off.
Nicholas Foster couldn’t sleep. It was late, almost eleven. He didn’t like to stay up so late on a school night, he needed his sleep. But he was really nervous, more so than usual at least. Nicholas was desperate to tell his parents, his dad specifically, that he wasn’t a girl. He was a boy, not a girl, and he needed to tell them because the longer he kept the secret in, the more he felt sick when he was laying in bed at night. He hated keeping things from his parents and he was terrified of what they would say when he told them. The thought of his dad not loving him anymore made him so scared he thought he might cry. Nicholas got out of bed and started pacing on his carpet, careful to stay in the bounds of the carpet and not touch the cold wood around it. This wasn’t the healthiest of his coping mechanisms but he felt like he had to or else he would throw up. He started panicking, overwhelmed by the scenarios he was making up in his head. He knew his parents loved him, obviously they did. But what if the love wasn’t enough for them to like him anymore?
As he paced, he tried to remember the breathing exercises his therapist taught him. Breathe in. What’s the worst that could happen? Breathe out. He could be kicked out, he supposed. But his parents would never do that. Breathe in. What if they didn’t understand? Breathe out. If they didn’t he could teach them. Nicholas knew enough about being trans from research he could definitely explain it to his parents. In. What if his dad didn’t love him anymore? Out. That would never happen. In. But what if it did? In. What if? In. Oh, God.
Nicholas collapsed onto the floor of his room, completely overwhelmed. He had been pacing so hard he was dizzy, and when he flopped onto his carpet, it made more noise than he would have preferred. He stilled, listening to see if he heard his dad downstairs. His mom was away for business, but his dad was still awake, doing the crossword on the couch like he did every night. Sure enough, he heard the couch creak, and then footsteps walking (quickly but not panicked) up the stairs. Nicholas sighed, and sat propped up against the bottom of his bed. A moment later he heard his door swing open, and cautious footsteps entered the room.
Jodie had changed out of his uniform, pencil behind his ear from when he had been doing the crossword. He immediately saw that Nicholas was on the ground, and walked over to crouch next to him. His face was soft, concerned.
“Hi, bug. Are you okay? Did you fall?”
Nicholas shook his head, sniffling. “I’m okay, sorry…”
“You don’t need to be sorry. What’s wrong?” Jodie sat down on the carpet next to him, and Nicholas put his head on his shoulder. His dad was so strong, his body felt comforting next to Nicholas and lent him his own strength.
“Dad, you love me no matter what, right?”
His dad turned to look at him, and hugged him close with one arm. “I will always love you. Your mom will always love you. Nothing can change that.”
Nicholas took a deep breath, opened his mouth to tell him, and then immediately burst into tears.
“Hey, hey, scout, what is it? Are you okay?”
He didn’t respond, and Jodie pulled him into a big hug, petting his hair. Nicholas buried his face in his dad’s chest and sobbed, not even sure why he was crying. He felt so silly, doing this. He needed to be strong and cool like his dad. It was so dumb to cry over something that hadn’t even happened yet.
“Dad, um, you know how sometimes I talk about how I want to cut my hair? And how I hate how high my voice is? I think, I mean, I know why. It’s because I’m not actually a girl, I…”
Nicholas had more to say, but he started hyperventilating again, and then he couldn’t stop coughing. Jodie stood up and grabbed his inhaler off the desk for him, and he used it, calming down a little bit.
“I’m a boy. I’m not a girl, I’m a boy. It’s called being transgender and I am and I don’t know if you’ll be okay with it but that’s who I am. And ‘m sorry that I hadn’t told you before but I was scared you would be mad at me or hate me or not love me anymore, I’m so sorry Dad.”
Jodie looked him in the eyes, Nicholas still sitting close next to him, and cupped his cheek.
“Honey, nothing you can say or be will make me or your mom not love you. We love you so, so much, and I will support you in this. You might have to explain stuff to me, because I don’t know a lot about it, but I can learn. I swear your mom and I will try to figure it out along with you.”
Nicholas let out a relieved sob, and his dad hugged him so tightly. He gripped his dad’s t-shirt, soft and well-worn, and curled up even tighter next to him.
“I picked a name,” he mumbled into his dad’s shirt.
“Oh yeah? What did you pick?” Jodie cocked his head when Nicholas pulled away to look at him.
“Nicholas. You know, because it’s what you and Mom woulda called me if you knew I was a boy.”
“That’s a great name, champ. Is there anything you need me to do for you because of this?”
Nicholas’ face brightened, and he sniffled, but had completely stopped crying.
“Um, I want to cut my hair short. Like yours! And I was hoping that maybe I could get a binder? Like for my chest? If that’s okay. And could you maybe look into puberty blockers for me, maybe? I don’t know, I just think they might be helpful. I don’t know.”
Jodie hummed thoughtfully, considering. “The haircut we can definitely do. I can try to schedule one for tomorrow if you want. The binder I’m not one hundred percent sure about, with your asthma, but I’ll look into it. If it’ll be okay for you, then I’ll research where to buy one. Your mom and I might have to discuss the puberty blockers, because I just don’t know about that yet. We can talk to your doctor if you’d like.”
“Thank you so, so much, Dad. I was so scared that you wouldn’t be okay about it, but I guess I was just all worked up over nothing.”
“Oh, buddy, no, no. I’m so sorry you felt like that, and I am so sorry that I ever gave you the idea that I wouldn’t love you to the moon and back.”
His dad started petting his hair again, and Nicholas felt less nervous and jittery than he had in so long. He realized he was crying again, and Jodie looked at him with concern.
“What is it, Nicholas?”
He just shrugged, smiling through the tears. “I’m just so happy.”
“That’s all I want, is for you to be happy. If you’re happy then I’m doing my job right as a dad. Speaking of, so you want to tell Mom yourself when she gets back or do you want me to do it for you?”
“Can you? I feel like you would be better at it.”
“I can. Now, this is very important, but it is getting pretty late. It’s almost my bedtime! And you have school tomorrow, so it might be time to get ready for bed. We can talk more about this tomorrow.”
“Okay. Can you tuck me in? I know it’s silly.”
“Of course, it’s not silly. You’re not too old to get tucked into bed by your old man, are you?”
Nicholas laughed. He got in bed, and Jodie pressed a kiss to his hair before turning the light off.
“Goodnight, Nicholas. I love you.”
“Goodnight, Dad. Love you too.”
Jodie smiled at him, and he could see it in the light from the door, before his dad closed it. Nicholas fell asleep quickly after, feeling content.
Nicky remembers two very distinct childhoods. He was raised two completely different ways, by two completely different dads. Some parts overlapped, sure, but they were overall pretty dissimilar. The one constant, happy memory was him telling his dad, in both timelines, that he was trans. Genuinely, Nicky cannot think of a way that either timeline’s coming out could have been better, and for that he is grateful. He may have had a pretty rough childhood, but these two rays of light shining through it makes it all a little more okay.