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Girls are pretty like statues in a museum.
Kaoru admires them. He knows which ones are beautiful. When one thinks he's beautiful too, he feels a little rush of delight, like the statue is sentient long enough to compliment him back. Pygmalion? says his therapist, but that's not quite right. It doesn't feel like falling in love. It feels like praise, like having his hair ruffled, like the fondness that no woman has offered him since he was a child.
The kisses feel like statues too. He doesn't want word to go around that he's all talk, so he doesn't conduct himself like a statue. Obviously. But the lips are always flavourless and cold like marble. And there's a rush of shame when he pulls away that he prays isn't written plain on his face.
He knows something is wrong, and decides that all he can do is bury it as thoroughly as possible.
-
The first real, pressing problem was Nazuna. On his first day of high school, no less.
Kaoru uses his best suave voice, not well-practiced yet but dripping with fake confidence. "Hey, beautiful. I haven't seen you around here before."
The person in front of him is just his type- or at least, what he figures he should be going for. Short and cute, with pretty blonde hair and a slight glimmer of defiance behind the eyes... and a pitchy voice that betrays the problem as soon as he opens his mouth to scream at Kaoru.
"You do realise that I'm not a girl?" snaps the extremely beautiful boy.
Several answers flash through Kaoru's panicked fifteen-year-old mind, including 'of course I do', and 'you've got the wrong idea', and even 'that doesn't bother me'. When he'd replay the conversation over and over in his mind for years to come, he'd wonder why he didn't choose one of them. Instead, he instinctively goes with: "I was just practicing."
"Practicing for what? To find boys to flirt with in our boys' school? You do realise I'm in your homeroom?"
He did not.
"Whatever. Go bother somebody else."
When it becomes a funny story Nazuna likes to tell a few years later, Kaoru finds ways to twist it into a joke at Nazuna's expense. It wasn't Kaoru's fault he'd been a five foot tall waif with fluffy hair. But even when he ends up pretty grateful for their friendship, there was no denying how he'd felt in that moment. There was the proximity to what made a pretty girl, sure, but also something else. Something unique, something stirring, something that he couldn't quite replicate when he took out a girl with long, yellow-gold hair not two weeks later.
-
The biggest problem makes his first appearance on the stage of the livehouse Kaoru is supposed to be minding. His heart beats a little faster the second the man steps on stage, when he catches a glimpse of him for the first time. Adrenaline, Kaoru guesses. The man cuts a mysterious figure, after all. It tickles the senses. Then he sings for the first time, and Kaoru gets chills. Only natural- there's nothing weird about noticing a beautiful voice when he hears one. And then there's a moment where Kaoru swears he's searching the crowd, and locks eyes with him and him alone. Kaoru thinks he might die. And there's a nagging voice in the back of his mind telling him that's not how normal men react to seeing other men, and he shuts that voice up as swiftly as possible. But he can't tear his eyes away.
-
He says yes when he's asked to join the new unit, 'Undead'. The name is so defiant. It doesn't quite match the man in front of him, who isn't quite the smirking delinquent he saw on stage, the one who made his heart beat entirely too fast out of nowhere. He has fresh dark circles under his eyes and is wringing his hands anxiously, but his smile is kind and gentle and so genuine.
Kaoru likes the man in front of him even more than the phantom on stage. He doesn't like to think about why. He says yes to him.
-
It gets a little bit better when he finds other ways to spend his time than chasing girls. And then, abruptly, everything gets worse.
There's the official Marine Bio Club field trip- three entry tickets to an aquarium, paid for with the student council's budget.
"It's the least they can do," says Kaoru, rolling his eyes.
They have a few hundred yen left over. Kaoru thinks he should suggest they get ice cream later as part of their 'education-enriching extra curricular activity'. But they enter through the gift shop, and he notices Souma staring very obviously at a little turtle plushie with beady eyes and a stitched-on smile. Kaoru resolves to pick it up for him on their way out.
He went to this place a lot as a child with his mother. It's reopened recently after a big refurbishment over the winter, and he finally feels like it's safe to come back. With his friends, who never have to know exactly how many memories this place holds. That's what Kaoru likes about Kanata and Souma- they aren't the type to try and pry things out of him. They know that quiet understanding is good too.
The aquarium is different from how he remembers it, remodelled from top to bottom. The three of them linger in a room with a huge tank, a wall of glass seperating them from the sea creatures they admire. This room is for ambience; it has a different, quieter atmosphere. The lights are low and dark blue, making it hard to figure out exactly where the barrier between the water and dry land lies.
A loud chime interrupts their tranquility. Souma yelps and tugs his smartphone out of his pocket, trying in vain to unlock it with several panicked prods at the screen.
"You're such an old man," snorts Kaoru, and he leans over to accept the call for him. Kanata chortles along.
It's a call from Keito, for some essential Akatsuki business.
"That is a shame," says Kanata sadly. He pats Souma on the shoulder. "We can always come back another day."
"Maybe Keito can personally foot the bill next time," jokes Kaoru, but Souma looks positively scandalised.
"I would never ask such a thing of Hasumi-dono!" he insists. "But the two of you ought to stay even if I can't. Let me know which exhibits you liked, and we can study them further on the next field trip."
Kaoru is ready to make fun of him for taking their hangout so seriously, but then figures Souma's had enough for the day between Kaoru's little jibes and nagging unit leaders. (And why, why, why can't he even think about the general concept of unit leaders without immediately thinking about-) "Alright, Souma. We'll see you later."
It's just the two of them now. He looks over at Kanata and they share a smile. It's so peaceful here. It reminds him of his solitary beach trips, but without any of the loneliness when Kanata is here.
Kanata is here. He realises that he hasn't stopped staring at Kanata. And Kanata is still staring back, with a curious look in his eyes that Kaoru has never seen before. Before Kaoru can think of something to say, Kanata leans forward. All other thoughts leave his mind abruptly besides the idea that he should maybe close his eyes, when their lips brush and they fall closed on instinct.
It's short and sweet, more like a peck than anything else. And maybe it's the chasteness that makes it feel different from every other kiss. There's electricity, and awe, like it's the first time he's felt someone else's lips on his, even when he knows it isn't. He feels grounded, not like every other time, where it felt like spiralling out of control. And then all at once, Kanata pulls away, and it's over.
He opens his eyes and Kanata winces a little. It must be the look on his face. He must be spiralling again.
"Did Kaoru not want me to do that?" asks Kanata sheepishly.
Kaoru simply stares back at him. His mouth opens and closes a few times, an accidental perfect impression of the fish around them.
"I apologise," says Kanata. "You just looked very... hmm." He taps his chin in thought. "I'm not sure. But we are alright. Don't worry about it."
The rest of the trip passes in silence. They browse the gift shop on their way out, and he buys the turtle plush for Souma. He feels a prickling on the back of his neck at the checkout, and turns around only to be met with Kanata, watching him with a knowing smile. He feels his cheeks burn, and stuffs the plush in the bottom of his backpack, like it's something to be embarrassed of.
-
Being alone in a practice room with Rei is simultaneously the best and worst thing Kaoru can hope for. He doesn't have much of a choice in the matter, to make sense of his warring emotions.
It's not like Kaoru planned for it. Maybe it'd be different if he was more prepared. Koga claimed some sort of sickness that morning and said he'd have to skip. No harm, no foul. Adonis was quiet, but he'd be a good buffer between Kaoru and Rei. Then he'd called out of the blue a few hours before they were due to meet, apologising sheepishly and saying there was something family-related he had to attend to- his sisters howling with laughter in the background.
Kaoru was braced for Rei to be a no-show too, and did recieve a text from him saying he didn't feel well today. But he asked if they could meet a few hours later, when the blazing summer sun had started to fade and it'd be easier to move. And Kaoru had sent back an embarassingly long paragraph about not pushing himself too hard, and getting lots of rest, and remembering to take his painkillers if need be.
And here they are, in a practice room with a mirrored wall and faded sunlight filtering through the windows, decidedly not practicing. Instead they lean against a wall, side by side, staring at each other after all idle conversation petered out. And Kaoru is thinking that for a 'bad day', Rei didn't look so bad at all, and that something about dusk always lights up his face so beautifully, when Rei drops the bombshell.
"Would you like to kiss me?"
It takes a full second or perhaps two for Kaoru to process the words. When he does, he recoils perhaps entirely too violently. "Y-you what? Do? What?"
Rei raises an eyebrow. "There's no need for all that. Just a 'yes' or 'no' would suffice."
"What makes you think that I'd want to kiss you?" snaps Kaoru, and regrets the words the second they come out of his mouth. It sounds like an insult, when the question is sincere, and one he's been asking himself for months.
"I don't know. That's why I asked," says Rei, looking a touch stung. "I wouldn't mind it."
"Wouldn't... mind?" Somehow, it's a little hurtful. "That's all?"
"I'm sorry," says Rei hastily. "I didn't mean it that way." He clears his throat. "I mean I'd like to kiss you. If you'll have me. And I thought that maybe you'd like to."
Rei peers down at Kaoru. And Kaoru realises that he looks exactly the same as all that time ago, where he asked him to join Undead. Hopeful, nervous, desperately trying to give off an impression of having it together and failing miserably. This, Kaoru can work with.
"I figured you'd never ask," says Kaoru breezily, and it's so easy to pretend like he's never had a single doubt about it. But it's impossible to convince Rei, who smiles at him like he knows full well how difficult it was to get here, because he does.
They lean into each other, and Kaoru feels a little internal panic, the same as with Kanata, like he's never done this before in his life. And maybe he hasn't. He's never had to lean up before, never gotten a kiss he hadn't planned out half an hour in advance besides the aquarium incident. He's never kissed someone he daydreamed about in idle moments before. And then their lips meet, and those worries melt away.
The result is powerful. It's like waves crashing into the shore, when he was smaller, a child, and didn't realise how hard those crests could rock him. He's dunked underwater. His hands are fisted desperately in Rei's sweatshirt, but he still can't find purchase. He tries to give in to the feeling and let it sweep him away, but his heart pounds so distractingly, and now their chests are pressed together, and can't he hear it too?
His heart is still in overdrive when Rei pulls away first, looking at him with a mixture of amusement and concern.
"Everything alright?" he asks.
"Uh... Uh-huh," is all Kaoru can give him, because it's the only coherent thought he can put together right now with their arms still wrapped around each other.
"We can slow down," he says bemusedly.
"I've spent too long waiting, I don't need slow. I need..." Kaoru runs out of steam, looks him in the eye properly, and feels calmer for it in an instant. There's something tethering in Rei's gaze. "Thank you. I think... I think I needed to find you."
"Find me?" Rei's eyes sparkle. "You mean, today? For this? Or more broadly speaking? Because I'm rather relieved that I found you too."
There's something gripping Kaoru. It's like the feeling he gets when he catches Koga or Adonis off guard to ruffle their hair, or when he sits with Souma and Kanata and watches their fish swim round and round in their tank. Like that sense that he's really here for once, mixed with something new, different, and warm everywhere Rei has touched him.
Perhaps something about Kaoru has changed, and something has changed between them. But rather, it feels like he's finally taken note of something that had been there all along.