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The smell of roasted meat and some sweet dish Azula didn’t know filled the air. There was laughter, the crackling of fire and the waves, which created a comfortable, liberating ambience.
The Gaang + Mai, Ty Lee and Azula were spending a warm evening together at the beach close to Nizero. Sokka was telling a story with Katara mocking him, not in the cruel, hurtful way Azula used to mock Zuko, but affectionately. The more Azula observed the group, the more of an outcast she felt. Even though Mai and Ty Lee haven’t been a part of the group for long, they seemed to effortlessly flow with the Gaang. Azula didn’t, instead, she struggled to keep up with the different emotions around her. Emotions, which had been - and in a sense still were - unfamiliar to her.
Perhaps that was why she sat slightly further apart and hardly engaged in the conversation.
Uncle had encouraged her to participate in social events to broaden her horizon and Nihayu had given Azula some of father’s psychological books. Azula did try and put in the effort, but it was a slow process, something she wasn’t used to. She had always quickly gotten what she wanted, so working hard for a small crumb of success seemed a waste of time. Her eyes flickered to Zuko, who was laughing at something Toph had done. The entire group was laughing and her shoulders slumped barely noticeably. Has she missed something again?
Observing her brother, Azula clenched her jaw. As much as she was loath to admit it, she wanted what Zuko had: The ability to from a genuine connection with others. There was one major difference between the two of them: Zuko had been the supported by Iroh, while Azula had lacked a proper role model and was now stuck trying to learn human emotions. She was improving, Nihayu has assured her of that, but in most cases Azula was still guessing what someone would say or how they would react.
“…about you, Azula?” Her head shot up. “Begging your pardon?”, she asked, hating the uncertainty and embarrassment inside her.
“Where has your head been?”, Sokka chuckled and Azula simply replied: “Lost in thoughts.”
“Ah. Anyways, the meat is ready. Any preferences?” Azula looked at the choices in contemplation and decided for the turtleduck, earning a dramatic gasp from Sokka. Azula shrank slightly, thinking she said something wrong. When everyone had their food, conversation quickly picked up again. To her surprise, Ty Lee started talking to her, but then Katara addressed her and Azula was bereft again.
It was slowly getting dark, but neither the fire nor the conversation seemed to end and Azula started to feel weary. It was taxing, observing and categorizing the emotions and reactions and trying to connect the dots. If she were to simply leave, how long would it take them to realize her disappearance? Azula was certain she wouldn’t be much missed.
“Hey, look what we have here! Mind if we join you?”
Great, even more people who will be able to empathize, joke around and prolong this evening. “Sure, there is enough space!”, Aang exclaimed excitedly and Azula finally decided to see who it was and immediately wished she hadn’t. Three young men around their age were approaching, but Azula’s eyes were on one particular person: Saju, second son of one of father’s friends. Azula both dreaded and anticipated his arrival. He elicited some strange reactions within her. For some reason, she felt her face warm up whenever she saw or interacted with him, and her stomach fluttered. She was hyperaware of her own and his actions, but to her astonishment, it wasn’t disconcerting or because she felt endangered. Azula was lost when it came to Saju and didn’t know what to do. The other two, whose name Azula hadn’t bothered remembering, immediately squished themselves right in the middle and were welcome. A small rustle next to her had her snap her head and she stared right into Saju’s golden eyes.
“Do you mind if I join you?”, he asked almost bashfully and Azula found herself pointing to the spot next to her. There those…symptoms were again: her face warmed, her stomach fluttered and she grew more aware of his presence, despite not feeling threatened. Frankly, despite being somewhat weirded out, she didn’t mind them. Saju was quickly tangled in the conversations or otherwise chimed in once in a while. However, not too long after their arrival, he turned all his attention to Azula and for the first time that evening, she found herself enjoying it. Secretly, she relished the separate bubble they’ve built where his attention was solely on her. Still, she found herself thinking about her reactions. Were they correct? At least, he didn’t seem put off or offended, so Azula assumed she was doing it right. Sadly, all good things ended and the bubble was burst by none other than her brother. Azula made it roughly 10 more minutes before her patience was truly over. She rose and simply left, throwing one more glance over her shoulder, but no one reacted to her disappearance.
It stung more than she wanted to admit.
Just a short walk from the campfire, there was a lovely small bay. Azula chose one of the mossy rocks to sit on and while everything in her was more than unhappy about sitting in dirt, choosing a cold stone would result in a bladder infection. She wondered if anyone has noticed her gone. Probably not.
“There you are.”, a masculine voice whispered, as if not to startle her. Azula turned around in surprise to see Saju standing there. “Am I disturbing you? I can leave if you want to.”
“No, it’s fine.” Saju plopped down next to her and leaned back, gazing at the night sky. “Did the company become too much or why did you sneak off?”
“I didn’t sneak off.”, Azula scoffed, “I figured no one would notice and except for you, I was right. I don’t know why I even attended this stupid campfire gathering. Uncle said I should visit more social events. Otherwise, I think I wouldn’t have gone.”
Next to her, Saju cleared his throat. “Well, that would have been a pity. I am glad you came.”, he admitted and Azula simply ‘tsked’. Saju sat up and looked into her eyes.
“I genuinely mean it. I am glad you are here.” His cheeks seemed to grow faintly pink, much to her surprise and she averted her gaze. Her hands were clammy and she rose and hopped off the stone into the sand. “Azula?”, Saju asked worriedly and Azula turned to him, took three steps in his direction and turned around again.
She was tired. She was confused. She felt alone.
Distantly, she heard Saju hopping down as well, though he stopped a few metres away from her, probably because he didn’t want to come any closer or he sensed he should keep a small distance. “Are you alright? What’s the matter? You know you can talk to me, right?”
Azula couldn’t take it anymore. Those confusing feeling or symptoms and Saju standing there, white skin and hair shining silver in the moonlight, combined with the frustration and disappointment were too much. To her horror, her throat started tightening. To her even bigger horror, it must have been visible, as Saju suddenly approached her, but she took a few steps back. Cautiously, Saju asked: “What is the matter, Azula?
“Stop asking me, for Agni’s sake!”, she shouted and clamped her hands over her ears.
“Azula, I only want to help you!”, Saju exclaimed and Azula felt like ripping her hair out.
“Why?! See, this is exactly the problem: I don’t understand why! There is no gain for you, you’d just waste your time!”, she shouted.
It drove her nuts. Situations like this always made all the small crumbles of success seem worthless. Did she really make any progress at all? Why couldn’t she still empathize or understand why someone would help anyone if there was no gain? Zuko, Ty Lee, Mai, the Gaang… All of them were still so far away and Azula felt like she will never reach them.
“No, Azula, please don’t cry, don’t cry.”, Saju pleaded and grabbed her arms gently.
Cry? Why would she be crying? Baffled, she touched her cheek and found it wet. Seeing the tear gleaming on her finger made the bottle overflow and a broken sob, a sound strange to her ears, escaped her throat. Immediately, she found herself wrapped in a tight embrace and Azula allowed herself to let it all out. All her confusion, frustration, anger and disappointment released themselves in from of cold tears soaking his shoulder. When her eyes were emptied and raw, she was horrified at the sight of the dig damp spot. Saju loosened his embrace, but didn’t let go.
“Feeling better now?”, he asked gently and wiped her tear streaks away. Azula shrugged, trying in vain to appear nonchalant and collected.
“It’s just…disappointing when you don’t make any progress.”
“But you do make progress! The Azula I see right now is different from the Azula I was introduced to a few months ago. That is something to be proud of.”
“But I am still so detached and don’t understand. How can I have improved if it doesn’t feel that way? At the beach, I barely managed to keep up with all their different emotions and figures of speech! They’re laughing and then suddenly share deep stories. It goes too fast!”
With a huff, Azula freed herself from Saju’s arms and sank to the ground, staring into the water. For a few seconds, Saju was silent, before joining her.
“Azula, you must understand that what you are doing is basically relearning from the beginning. It’s not something you can do overnight and unfortunately, it takes time. You are making progress, believe me, and at some point it will become easier.”
His white hand grabbed hers, tentatively at first, then more securely when Azula didn’t retract. “But this isn’t all that’s on your mind, am I right?”, he carefully asked and she nodded hesitantly. “Do you want to talk about it?” Azula tightened her grip, eyes never leaving the horizon.
“Why – why is no one helping me? Why do I have to do this alone?”
Saju stared at her in disbelief. “I assumed your mother or someone else is aiding you?”
Azula scoffed. “Pah, as if mother would want to spend time with me. Father isn’t the optimal choice and uncle is busy with his tea shop. Nihayu has her duties, as does your father. No one else seems to bother.”
Saju was stunned to silence. Had he been so blind? Shaking his head, he moved directly in front of Azula, whose face got that fetching pinkish hue he has grown to love when he clasped her hands in his. His pale eyes shone with determination.
“I meant what I said before. Let me help you, Azula. Let us walk this road together.”
There was still a part of Azula which saw help as weakness, but she knew having someone by her side to assist her will be beneficial and advantageous. (And if another part delighted at the prospect of spending more time with Saju, she didn’t acknowledge it.) She gifted him a small smile and nodded almost shyly, but the blinding grin on his face was worth this step.
Azula was pulled into another hug and this time, she reciprocated. If they noticed their hearts beating faster than normal, neither if them said anything and for the first time in a while, Azula was hopeful.