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English
Series:
Part 1 of Cursed Fics
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Published:
2023-02-09
Updated:
2023-04-24
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5,743
Chapters:
8/?
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53
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Epic One Shots UwU

Summary:

A collection of beautifully written one shots by me and my friend, featuring the most attractive gigachad character in all of fiction, and Y/N, duhhh.

Be prepared to loose braincells.

DON'T FLEM DA STOERY PREPZ!!!!!!! >:(((((

Chapter 1: Look into my golden orbs and tell me you’ve forgotten how to live laugh love: an Epic romance between the reader and Preminger

Chapter Text

“Y/N! Are you listening?” A voice shouted to me. I had fallen into such a deep daydream that I had lost all sense of where I was and what I was doing. I glance around at the marble columns and the pristine filigree. Ah yes, I was at the castle. Next to me stood the queen (she’s like my bffffffff since we were fetuses.)


Her blue orbs pierced into my soul as i nodded, my H/C hair bouncing as I did so.


“Did you stay up until 4am again?” She asked. Queen Gezza knows me too wel. I nod.


“You really need to stop working so hard, you can’t just stay up all night watching Cool Cat save the kids!”


I nod, not saying anything. In truth, i wasnt reading Ccool cat save the kids, i was forcing my sweatshop full of 7 year old to make as many body pillows as possible. Not of animee girls - oh no.
Of the queen’s super sexy royal advicer, preminger.


Just as i thought his name, i hear the signature strut of those platform stilettos. Preminger!!!!11111!!!!!111ONE :OOO


I look to the door as he struts in like a runway model, his flawless hair pulled back out of his chiselled face.
What a exy man.


“Hey queens!” He smiled as he rushed through, followed closely by fruity pinnochio who speedwalked behind him because he is fruity and allergic to normal walk.
Fruity pinnochio and premingr are besties 4 lyfe 😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎


“Omg um hi premgingrer” I say shyly, hiding my face behind my messy bun as i blushed so violently that my ears fell off.


“Hey bbygorl” He smirks, turning to the queen. “Heyo Gezza G, ur nerd daughter like ran away or something,”


“Lol rip” said the queen, who was now playing candy crush.


“Hey so, preminger-”


“Please, cal me premmy”


I blush harder. “Ok, premmy - did you see that minion meme i sent you last night uwu?”


“Ofc, i laughed out loud fr” Premmy smiled. “I even made it my lockscreen xD” he says, grabbing his nokia brick from his pocket.


“Omg i said” i said “Thats sooooooooooooo romnintic!”


“Ikr”

 

(Here'z the mememememe for referewnce)


“OMG Mafia Boss, thats sooooo funny” chortled fruity pinnochio. Preminger’s hand clipped through fruity pinnochio in order to srteal his kneecaps.


“Why did he call you Mafia Boos ?” I aked


“y/n, i have a confession,” Preminger said. I am,,,,, I am the Tik Tok Mafia Boss.”


“The mafia bos?!?!?!?😲” i gasp.


“The mafia boss😞” he said.


Then he started to do tiktok dances as doja cat began blasting out of his nokia brick. I immediately started editing together a compilation of his amazing tiktok dancing skill.


Then…
“y/n, ik thi is sudden but… will you make a mafia wedding tiktok with me?!” he sked, still renegading.


“Omg ofc !!!!!!” I say.
And jut like that,I was Mrs Mafia boss uwu.

Unlike other girls, i honey mooned in south detroit and shot 43 orphans during a gang war, while wearing a comfy sweater and my hair in a messy bun - i’m not like O t H e R girls who are affiliated with the mafia, im qUiRkY.🤪

Chapter 2: Reader x Lord Farquad x Shre

Chapter Text

I open my blindingly blue orbs. ARGH I OVERSLEPT. I fall out of bed, ow. I rush to tie my hair up into a messy bun and yawn. I quite literally fall down the stairs and see my bf, Lord Farquad waiting for me downstairs.

“Sheeeeesh baby gworl. You’re looking so good rn.” he says, biting his lip.

 

 

“T-Thanks. Tee hee. Tee hee.” I reply.

My name is Y/N. I am a half angle, half cat, half demon hybrid princess from Far Far Away. My bf is Lord Farquad, he’s like super hot. I have long hair that is dyed purple and blue, super cool. My eyes change to red when I’m angry cuz Imma demon, so don’t get on my bad side.

Lord Farquad helps me up and we head to his place. We are about to head inside when a guard tells us there’s an ogre looking for him. We go to where the ogre is, and that’s where I see him.

An ogre stands in the courtyard, what a hottie, omg. Wait, what am I thinking? I’m meant to be with Lord Farquad. It’s okay, I must be in a silly goofy mood.

“I’m Shrek.” the ogre says. I give him a shy wave because I’m super shy. We invite Shrek over for dinner.

One of the guards tells me that I must get ready for dinner later, and that I should pick out an outfit. I run off, almost tripping over my own feet because I’m super quirky and clumsy. I go to my room in the castle and look through my massive selection of clothing. I picked out an outfit that I’m sure will impress both Shrek and Lord Farquad.

I head downstairs a few hours later, to see Lord Farquad and Shrek already sitting at the table. I slowly ascend the stairs, being careful not to trip on my dress. Both of their jaws drop at the sheer sight of my beautifulness.

“Y/N, please be my gf, you’re nothing like the other girls” says Shrek, not wasting any time. He starts doing the fortnite hype dance to assert dominance

“Back of dude, Y/N is my baby gworl.” says Lord Farquard. He starts T-Posing to intimidate Shrek.

I look at both boys, overwhelmed that they both want me to be their gf. I join them at the table, my orbs watching them both as I sit.

“We should do a competition, whoever impresses me the most gets to be my bf.” I say.

“Y/N, you’re such a silly sussy baka. But ok!” says Lord Farquad.

“Aye, I will win. Don’t you worry.” growls Shrek.

First up is Lord Farquad. He sings the most amazing, beautiful song I have ever heard. It was Airplanes by B.o.B.

“Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now.

OOOooooooOOOOoOoOoOOOooOOOhhhhhhHHhhHhh…..”

“Yassssssss Queen.” I say

Next up is Shrek. He walked up onto the stage and started breakdancing. Then, he does some tik tok dances.
“This one’s for you baby gworl!” he says, before hitting a lil jig.

“Slayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!” I say

I clap for them both and cheer. They’re both such hotties.

“Well, who do you choose babe?” asks Lord Farwuad.

“Hmmm.” you say. “I chooseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee………………………………………………..”

“Me. Because I am the best.” I say.

Chapter 3: Reader x Sid The Sloth - Coffee Shop AU (ft Emo King Julien)

Chapter Text

A/N: This epic fic is set in the ice age. But there is a Starbucks so my coffee shop AU can work. Don’t @ me, or flem da stori prepzzz!! >:(

 

My yeezys clacked against the icy ground as i made my way to the local starbucks. Well, the only tarbucls. As i walk in to the ✨starbies✨(i call it that bcuz im not like other gworls) I see the most handsome gigachad hunk of sloth i’ve ever seen in my life - he’s barely taller than the counter and a rancid shade of beige.

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hot i thought to myself.

“Can i taek ywour owrdah naw?” He asked in his new york accent. I blouse. His sheer hottieness made me swoon uwu.

The pressure engulfed me as i starred art the menu. Suddenly, i let go of

 a breath i didnt kno i ws holding. 

“Ur number uwu”👉👈 “also water w whipppopped crem” 

“Oh, tee hee tee hee” He says “999 because I ust think I had a heart attack, tee hee.”

“But my guy, emergency services havent been invented yet ya gof” 

And then we went on our first date to chucky fazbear’s kebabs.

“DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN SHAWTY YOU L;OOK FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE SAID SID” said id. Id then started having a seizure and shouting in vietnamese.

“The tất cả các luật hàng không đã biết, không có cách nào mà một con ong có thể bay. Đôi cánh của nó quá nhỏ để có thể đưa cơ thể nhỏ bé mập mạp của nó lên khỏi mặt đất. Con ong, tất nhiên, dù sao cũng bay. Bởi vì những con ong không quan tâm những gì con người nghĩ là không thể." SEQ. 75 - "GIỚI THIỆU VỀ BARRY"”

“Oh no, he’s been possessed by cup man !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I shout i ues my demon magic ( because im a demon wolf cat bird waterbender spaghettimonster vampire angle politician otter martian eldritch horrorr argentinian rock princeess who wears glasses and combat boots and also muy hair and eyes change colour when im mad( bcuz im not lik other girls) )

He stands up, and says “could i interet you in a date” 

“OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. I accept you business proposal.”

 

We both go to get changed. These are out fits.

 

Mr mc hotties:

 

Mine UwU:

 

 

 

 

“Wow, Y/N.” Sid says, biting his lip. “I love the ways that your outfit represents the deep and utter love you have for the 2010 subversive masterpiece Megamind, and the 2001 film Shrek. It really moves me. And the cosplay hat represents your internal desire to be like Shrek as the movie shows he’s an excellent role model.”

“Yass king” I scream as metallica blasts behind me. I’m noyt lik other gworls. I knew about metallica a bundred billion years before it was kool. Xd 

Suddenly, one direction walked ihn, singing as they went..It feels like a perfect night

 

“To dress up like hipsters

And make fun of our exes

Ah-ah, ah-ah

It feels like a perfect night

For breakfast at midnight

To fall in love with strangers

Ah-ah, ah-ah

 

Yeah, we're happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time

It's miserable and magical, oh yeah

Tonight's the night when we forget about the deadlines

It's time, oh-oh

 

I don't know about you

But I'm feeling 22

Everything will be alright if

You keep me next to you

 

You don't know about me

But I'll bet you want to

Everything will be alright if

We just keep dancing like we're 22, 22

 

It seems like one of those nights

This place is too crowded

Too many cool kids

(Who's Taylor Swift anyway? Ew) Ah-ah, ah-ah

It seems like one of those nights

We ditch the whole scene

And end up dreamin' instead of sleeping, yeah

 

We're happy, free, confused and lonely in the best way

It's miserable and magical, oh yeah

Tonight's the night when we forget about the heartbreaks

It's time, oh-oh

 

I don't know about you

But I'm feeling 22

Everything will be alright if

You keep me next to you

 

You don't know about me

But I'll bet you want to

Everything will be alright if

We just keep dancing like we're 22 (Oh, oh, oh, oh)

22

I don't know about you

22, 22

 

It feels like one of those nights

We ditch the whole scene

It feels like one of those nights

We won't be sleeping

It feels like one of those nights

You look like bad news

I gotta have you

I gotta have you

Ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah

 

I don't know about you

But I'm feeling 22

Everything will be alright if (Ooh)

You keep me next to you

You don't know about me

But I'll bet you want to

Everything will be alright if

We just keep dancing like we're 22

 

22 (Dancing like)

22 (Yeah, yeah)

22 (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

 

It feels like one of those nights

We ditch the whole scene

It feels like one of those nights

We won't be sleeping

It feels like one of those nights

You look like bad news

I gotta have you

I gotta have you

Written by: Max Martin, Martin Max

 

Album: Red (Big Machine Radio Release Special)

 

Released: 2012

 

Lyrics provided by Musixmatch” (a/n we dont own 121direfctoin or the sing 22 written by max martin and martin max) 

 

Me and Sid fortnite dance together, moved by the powerful words of the song One Direction was singing. They were actually singing it to the tune of Megalovania, so beat that.

Suddenly king julian kicked down the door, followed by mort who was holding an industrial strength rocket powered jackhammer. As soon as he laid eyes on me, bisexual icon king Julien fell in live with me,. “Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh badgyal you looking like a baddie and a snacc at the sametime” he said, gnawinhg on my hands.

“Uhm hoe thats my bbygworld” sid said. “You’re making my angwy gwrrrrrr” He starts to bark at King Julien.

King julien began dancing to gangnam style in response, in perfect unison with mort who was also mutilating innocent civilians as he went.

Mort hates the geneva convention </3

In his rage he accidentally icepicked king julian’s spine and left him quadropilegic. Big oof. This made julian very sad :( He turned into an emo brochken gworl.

 

 

He made maurice put black eyeliner and black hair dye on him (he’s paralysed from the neck down so he can t do it himelf” and then he blasted music by evanescence as he tokyo drifted down the corridor in his monster truck wheelchair bcuz he was inna silly goofy mood.

Then mort was like super duper depressed that he rendered king julie j hanicappped so he wnet aroudn killing everyone and setting fire to the neary red cross hospital. Then he stole dumbledore’s broomstick )becuz dumbllledoor is a masive prep) nd he flew to hogmwarts where he joined bloody roe 666, the schol band. Then he married the lead singer ebony dark’nes dementia raven way bcuz she thoughrt his name was reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy gothic bcuz mort means death in like mandarin or something idk lol. 

Chapter 4: The Only Thing Louder Than My Semi-Automatic Rifle Is The Beating Of My Heart For You— a Mort X Alvin love story

Chapter Text

Alvin sighed as he flicked a singaret butt (lol) on the ground. It was a wet evening in New Yorhk City, and a gang war had just ended.
"You could've just kept your mouth shut," said a familiar voice. "If you had, maybe Theodore wouldn't be in the ICU. Maybe Dave would-"
"Don't you dare finish that!" Alvin barked, side-eying his brother. He couldn't see his blue orbs from behind those glasses.
All he could see was his own face, and the guilt that was hidden by his metaphorical mask.
"Just… go home. Or better, go collect some protection rackets." Alvin turned away, fiddling with the semi-automatic rifle in his pocket. (Athors not, mens pockets are so big that even a chinmpmuck can fit a big boi gun in his bocket #GiveWomenPocket)
"Why? So you can go do something stupid again?" Simon asked sracastically, rooling his orbs as he scratched at his neck which was adorned with a sick tat, the air jordans logo but instead of a basketball, it's a cheese ball. Because Simon is quirky. What other gworlz do you know who have shot 15 people during a terf war?

Alvin sighed like how I do when I listen to My Chemicncal Romancne (authors noat: best band, don't flem prepz)
"We've already lost dad, and we… we could lose Theodore. I don't want to risk losing you too,"
"Lmao" Alvin chuckled, sucking on a cingrenet (don't smoak kids). "They know they can't take me down. 1.4 Billion people follow my tiktok specifically for my mafia POVs."
Alvin then control + alt + deleted himself from the conversation, walking for what felt like forever. He put his ear phones in an d started listnenneiny to linking park.

Suddenly, he looked up and met the eyes of the most beautiful creature he had ever seen.
It was like brown-orange and had these really massive eyes that filled his whole skull. He also was wearing e-girl cltojes with a belle delphine earring.
"That is one sexy rat"
Thought Alvin. Because he is in new york.

Alvon swaggrerd over to the secu rat, running his tiny little cjipmunkb hand through his luscious pompadour. As he reached the rat set, he put un his Mafia tiktok sexy voice.

"Wagwan mandem,"

Mort then turned away because be aperencetated brain and brain and brawn, but avlin didn't even have glasses— how could Mort even tell if Alvin wasn't like other girls !?!?!?? True dilemma right here.

Mort on the hother hand was nothing like other girls. Infact, Mort directly causer the defenestration of Prague. He also shot France Ferdinant, Gnaddi, Abrhahamam Lincun and JAY EF KAY, invented the Mary Sue, funded Hilter's political party— the German communismt party. He also icepicked king Julien's spine wirh an industrial strength rocket powererd jackhammer. {A/n: ENTENDED CINEMATIC UNIVERS E@? AMAMDK@?@@?@?@(=(]

Alvin was so overcome with lust for Mort that he immediately started dancing to a bossanova arrangement of Gangnam Style, singing in Korena as he went. Very hot.

Mort swooned so hard that he slammed face first into a conveniently close open manhole, zooming down at terminal velocity into the sewers of New York City.

Chapter 5: AMOOG US ISLAND AT 3AM GONE WRONG READ UNTIL THE END SOMETHING CRAZY HAPPENS LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE FOR MORE 🤪CRAZY🤪 CONTENT

Chapter Text

OMGGG you had just been accepted to Total Drama Isalnd!!!! You were sooooo exited to meat all the other campers.

 

Lator that night, you were have a little nap and you awake to the sound of rusting outside your window.

 

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN

 

You leap 10 feet into the air and out of your bed, pulling out an unplugged souldering iron.

 

“Who is their????” You say. “I am a half demon half angle don’t even try me bruv.”

 

“Hello camper!” Says a familiar voice with a canadian accent.

 

Was it… Christ McLean?!!?!

 

“Time to go to… TOTAL DRAMA IDLAND!!”

 

Chris knocks you unconscious and takes you to Total Drama Island.

 

—-Timeskip!!!—-

 

You and all the other campers gather around the fire pit at TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND.

 

“Alright campers… todays challenge is to find a reason to keep going…” says Chris sadly

 

“Wait.. that’s not the right challenge! The actual challenge today is to not get caught by the imposter!!

 

This morning I spiked someone’s drink with an amog us potion which I brought off the dark web AT 3am. And supposedly if you drink this AMOG US POTION, you turn into the IMPOSTER from Amog US.”

 

Everyone gasps, that’s soooo creative , well done Christ.

 

“You all have 20 minutes to hide around the island! Whoever is the importer will come round and try to ki- I, uh mean catch you!!”

 

You run off with gay Kermit, cuz he was also accepted (ITZ MY STORY, DONT @ MEH PREPZ)

 

You both run behind the cabins and hide.

 

You wait a while with not much happening. The n you hear a scream in the distance.

 

“That is not slay!” cries out gay Kermit and the too of you rush over to see what is happening. You see that Gwen has been killed by the the amog us imporster!!!

 

“Oh mi gosh, dead body reported!”

 

“Who dun it?” says Gru (CONTINUED EXTENDED CINEMATIC UNIVERSE??????

 

“I saw Courtney running the other way” says Kermit, doing the fruity hand sign, because he’s gay kermit.

 

“That#s pretty sus ngl”

 

“Yaaaasss queens.” Says fruity Kermit

 

You host an EMERGENCY MEATING to vote someone out

 

Courtney leaves the island but she wsnt the imposteur!!! 

 

You GASP out loud and choke on a grape you were eating. It was like super dramatic and they had to do CPR and you almost died but you didn’t but you almost did!!!

 

“Hmmmmm we need to find out who the Sussex impost er is”

 

You and GA Y Kermit go to the lake. You wait a moment, seeing if anyone else is there but there wasn’t.

 

It was later, and you were facing away from FRUITY GAY Kermit. Then you hear a shout from behind, and see a SHOCKING sigh.

 

“ahhhhhhhh” you say

 

Kermit the GAY had been killed by 2016 Markipluer using a nuclear powered shank.

 

OMG Markiplier is the importer!!!!!!!!!!! :OOO

 

“Nooooo not g a y Kermit” you say and take out a small horse and chuck it at Markiplyer.

 

“Yeowch!” Says mork .

 

“Oh m g!! Guys markiplior is the importer guys!! He banned Kermit the Gay from the world.” But then you remembered that it was only you and Kermit gay at the lake so no one else knows!!!

 

You RUN super fast, ur like the flask . Marplier rins after you you super fast too but he can’t catch up.

 

Up ahead you see Gru and Courtney. 

“Maripliet is the imposter!” You say with shock

 

Gru and Courtney GASP in SHOCKETH.

 

We need to report the imposter and get him voted out right now.

 

You almost got there, but markiplier was too fast and he blocked your path.

 

“Nor! Don’t kill ms, I still need to read a book mysteriously at a One Driection concert!!”

 

You were about to be alt f4, but Marplier stopped……



He had been stabbed by KERMIT THE GAY!!!! PLOT TWOST OMG

 

“Owchie” says markle (meghan-san ????????)

 

Makrplier falls to the ground dramtacally. 

 

“Y/N, I have something to tell you…….”

 

Whut, you says

 

“I lava you, Y/N. Ur super cool ngl”

 

“That pretty poggers. But your gonna be dead in a moment so not rlly my type sorry lols”

 

Marplier DIES

 

“Yabbadabbadoo” says gay

 

You win TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND because you are a iconic feminist icon and a total gworlboss. #slayeverydayandslayyourenemies

Chapter 6: You make my heart beat to the song poker face at 130 BPM - Eric Cartman x Guitar Hero

Chapter Text

Within the lone hotdog caravan house, there was the young boy of just ten years old. It was a school day, like any other day, but the school child managed to bunk off after many 'but meeeeeeem's towards his mother. This child was the one and only Eric Cartman.

 

During his 'sick day', Cartman loaded up his favourite game, guitar hero. There was just something so peculiar about the feeling of butterflies and his heart skipping a beat whenever he loaded the game up. The giddy feeling of infatuation whenever he picks up the guitar shaped controller. There was nothing more than a small crush that this boy felt towards the game. 

 

This all started a few years ago; Kenny dying so much made the town of South Park progress through the years but no one actually ages (conspiracy time woah). Cartman and his friends, Kyle and Kenny, were simply playing some guitar hero, rocking out to 'Poker Face' with Cartman giving it his all. They didn't invite Stan however, because he's a little pussy boy.

Ever since that day, there was something about that guitar controller, and the interface of the game that striked a feeling of empathy, and compassion in the boy who felt neither of these to anyone.

 

So whilst the day progressed, Cartman insisted within himself to play 'Poker Face' again, and again, and again, one after the other. Cartman screams his heart out.

 

"CAN'T ME MAH, CAN'T READ MAH, NO HE CAN'T READ MAH POHKA FACE. she's got me like nobody. MUHMUHMA! PAPAPPAPOKA PAPAPOKA FACE MUHMUHMAH! PAPAPPAPOKA PAPAPOKA FACE MUHMUHMAH! I wanna roll with him, a hard pair we will be. A little gambling is fun when you're with me I LOVE IT!", the young blonde child screams out, he's so happy he managed to bunk off school, I mean school is the worst. He learns nothing and then only has a set amount of hours left in the day, that's not nearly long enough to be able to play guitar hero for hours on end.

 

There was just something about this game, maybe it was the way the graphics were underdeveloped on the old TV that Mrs Cartman could barely afford, maybe it was the buzzing of the console, as its fans fill with dust from lack of care. There was just something that brought a sense of happiness to Eric, a feeling he's never had before.

 

As the song was nearing the end, Eric stopped to think for a moment, causing him to miss the notes as his fingers became dormant as they hovered just above the respective buttons. Eric was so deep in thought he didn't even realise the song had ended, he was just so lost in his thoughts that swirled in his mind about how this game made him feel. It reminds him awfully of his love for food, it's not that he overeats, no no, he's big boned after all, not fat - don't get confused. But there was just this lingering thought that maybe he liked this game because of how it made him feel.

 

Sure, Cartman's an asshole but he's allowed to love who he wants to love, and it appears he's chosen this game in particular. Especially this song, he loves the feeling of the endorphins and serotonin circling his brain and blood tract, giving him that euphoric sense of energy and happiness. 

 

"Oh gawdammit, MEEEMM! MEEEEM!", the young boy screamed through the small hot dog house with paper thin walls, "THE TV BROKE IT'S JUST A BLACK SCREEN, SCREW THIS!", as he shouted through the house, he threw the guitar shaped controller as hard as possible into the TV, leaving a few scratches on the side of the controller. This sight made his heart metaphorically drop to his feet. He hated seeing the game get hurt, or scuffed. Why did it hurt him so much?

 

"Oh what is it sweetie?", the sweet voice of Mrs Cartman called out, as she began her slow and peaceful stride into the living room (or lounge you uncultured swines). 

 

"Meeeem I broke guitar hero :(", replies Eric in a saddened voice, he eyes up the controller which wasn't actually broken by the way, and a small tear slipped its way out his tear duct and landed straight onto the scratch on the controller. The sight made his heart hurt, felt like his chest was being squeezed tightly. It was only now how much he realised he cared for that game, and now it was gone.



Ayo justice for cartman tho like fat kid just wants to love 😔

 

Chapter 7: I'd Syphon Gas From 5 Million Cars While Drifting In a School Zone —POV: Chris McLean Is Your Driving Instructor

Chapter Text

“Alright camper- I mean driver! Welcome to your first driving lesson, with me, Christ McLean!” Chris says candadianly with a canadien accent. You are in the drivers seat, while Chris is stilling in the passenger seat.

 

“Alrigjty, before we start, could you like a shot of tequila. It’s tech a lot not “legal”, so don’t tell the DVLSA.” Chris chugs down the tequila and hands you the bottle. But it was empty now because he drank the whole thing. Cansarianly 🍁.

 

“Alrighty, turn on the car, and let’s get driving!!!” Cheis says in a canada like way.

 

You trinm on the engine and put it into first gear.

 

“Yahoooooo” you says, beginning to speed at 70mph in a 30 zone.

 

“Great job camper!!!” Chris sags supporovely. (A/N: Is this what it’s like to have a dad ?????)

 

“Alright, we are approaching a school zone , can you tell me the idea speed?”

 

“Uhm, is it 20mph?” You asksz not canadianly cos ur not Canadian (probz canada isnt reel).

 

“No!!!!!!” Says Christ. “It’s 120 , speed up campour!!”

 

You press your accelatator and the car speedz up loads. Up ahead you see several small children crossing the road.

 

“Alright camper, we’re gonna do a show me tell me auestion now! Can you please show me how to perform a drift? Please aim to hit at least 5 children!” Chris says happily in a Canadian voice.

 

You nod and start drifting down the road, you get 7 children!!! YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

Christ canadianly chugged a bottle ofd smirnov that he kept in his gtlove box.”Great job cempurr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” he said as everyone behind the car started screaming. 

You trun on the windscreen wipers to dislodge a child that got stuck/. ~ #relatable

 

“Great work ✨️campeur✨️, totally cool dude!” Christ says in a canadian way.

 

You and Christ drive on for a little further, then you see a sign for a roundabout.

 

“ALRIGHT CAMPER!! We are approaching a rounabut! I need to to take the second exit, straight ahead, so drive straight over the middle section! This way you avoid all the cars!”

 

“Oh.. ok!” you says, and speed up even more. The car FLYS straight over the ronundabooutuaout.


“Weeeeeeeee” says chris. “Watch out campe, you almost made me spill my vodka!”

 

Here is Chris'''''' bottle for his voka:

 

The car lands with a crash on the other side of the roundaboud. Yo stick your head out of the window (using the rear view mirror i not cool dudes) and see that you have caused a pile up as people took their eyes off the road to see why a car was in mid-air.

 

You and chris pull out onto the motorway. You drive in an out of the lanez, overtaking everyone becaus you’re super col.

 

“Alright camp! Time for another show me, tell me question!!!” Chris “Please perform an emergency stop!!!!”

 

“ STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP ” CHRIS SHOUTS AND YOU SLAM ON THE BRAKES. MORE CARS BEHIND YOU CRASH AS THEY TRY TO AVOID YOUR CAR. YOU CAUSE ANOTHER HUGE CRASH.

 

“That was totally rad my dude!” chris says. “Let’s get outta here now!”

 

You speeeeeeed off, leaving the pile of flaming, exploding cars behind you. 😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎😎

 

You drive on for a little while, doing a few drifts and doughnuts because you’re feeling quirky💅🏻



Subdenly you here sirens and see✨ flashy ✨ lights in your side mirrow (the other one flew off during the emergency stop) not very good you thought, but Chords knows best 👍. 

 

"Alright campeur, rmememebr to keep the vehicle at a steadie sped," said crhris condensingly as he assempled his Finnish made M 28 submachine gun. He rolled down the wondow and leend out, without trking his seetvelt off (stay safe on the road) and he began to blast the police car behind him because Chris Mclean doesn't like teh law.

 

Unbeknownst to you, on the roof of the Toyoya prius was a Dutch goalkeeper fully automatic close in system (CIWS) equipped with a GAU-8/A Avenger 30mm hydraulic seven-barrel gatling gun, an I-band search radar capable of handling eighteen targets simultaneously, and a dual-band tracking radar for fire control. The CIWS began to shoot at the police cars and also the helicopkters that were chessing you. It was like suiuuuuper tense.



Chris did a cartwhel. Super cool.

 

“Great work camper! You’ve successfully helped me evade the police, mind you, it’s not my first time💅🏻.” Chris says “however, please remember you will now be on a government watch list for the rest of your life. Have fun with that!😄”

 

You drive into a smaller road and stop the car by slamming on the brakes. 

 

“Woahaoahahah!” Chris says, flying through the front windscreen like a canadia flag. Cuz he is canadian.

 

“Alright camper, I’m gonna go commit some more war crimes.” Chris starts to walk away.

 

“Oh I forgot to mentione! You passed your driving test, camper!” Chris says with a Canadian thumbs up.

Chapter 8: I will share my chug jug with you and do the griddy - Portia x TransFem!Robita Rottenne

Chapter Text

The sound of the battle busses englines fired up loudly. Portia hurried over to the battle bus and took a seat, she quickly used her gworl boss intellect to figure out the vector of the battle bus so she could figure out the best drop spot.

 

Then… she was distracted by anothr gworl . It was Robita Rottenne . Oh ma goodness, she was such a slayin g quennn . The bottle bus began to flu over the Fortnite map, Porsha looked out the window and decided to drop at Tilted Towers, the ✨️hottest drop spo✨️t and she was bound to ge t th that victory royale!!!!

 

Port thanked the bus river (YOU HAV TO THANK DA BUS DROOVER OR TOU DIE LOLZ). Then she LEAP out of bus towards Tolted toweurs. Protna landed and quickly grabbed a machine SMG and a mini. She drunk the mini pot to gain them shi🛡elds SUDDENLY she heard footsteps

 

“Enemy on my right, cranking 90s” pork said to herself quickly bulding up them defonces.

 

Sheedited in a qindow and looked out to see Vector from Despic. He was holding a pump shotgun and was 🏃♂️ wiickly 🏃♂️ building up to get that height advantage.

 

Portey aimed out of the window and fired her gon. 

“Cracked him 60 blue, going in for the ass(athers not: it mezn donkey like from sherk, stop felmming omg🙄) salt” she said jumping out the window

 

She knoekced Vector and👍🏴 emoted on him.

 

“LMAO ur trash kid” she said still using swiftly emote.

 

Poourti hurried off to find some more 💀guns💀 to wipe out the lobbie with.

 

She was 💁♀️busy boxing in a default when she heard MORE FOOSTEOUPS!??!,!?!?!, 

 

WHIRLING AROUND WOTJ THE SPEED OF MARIAH CAREY she saw the ine, the only…. 

 

 

Robita Rottenne!!

 

Porka didn’t know what ro do, she couldn’t eliminate Robita, she was too slay gworl.

 

“Robita, I can’t alt f4 tou, you’re too much of a gworl bosse. Will you chug jug with me??”

 

POV — ringtail l emu r society is matriarchal so King Julian was axtually the first trans monarch to be shown in a film 😱🤩😱🤩😱🤩😱🤩😱🤩😱🤩

 

Robita stared into portia's soul with the force of 1000 sun's.

"👍" said Robita. She then lurked over to portittititiaon and did the orange justice fortnite dance™ and dabbed very epicly.

 

Prostate smiled happily. "Yippee" She smiled as she happily did the floss happily.

 

Together, they WIPED OUT the rest of the lorry. Finally, the final player was remining.

 

🐙Miiiiine diiiiiamooo https://youtu.be/dgha9S39Y6M ooonds (take on me)  

 

However, it was a sweat!!!! Progably one of those 8year old fortnote kids who have never touched grass and have Cheeto dust over their contruler!!!!

 

“Quick Robitatatatatattatata” porky pie sed “we need to build up some hite.”

 

They cranked some 90s, editing their balds at the speed of Mariah carey bein GB a spitfire. 

 

“Or nor” saie robitoar “I’m out of mats!!”

 

 

Porter was about to give robot some mats, but the sweat artacked!!! The sweat glided onto their build and began to pick axe the wall!!!

 

Slaying like the queen she is, robot pretended to pixage the wall, but actually tok outbher shotgun!! The sweat edited in a window bit robototototoa was faster, she one pumped up kicks the sweat and cheered

🇩🇪 

YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 🇩🇪 Says robita

 

“But wait!!” Says potk “only one of us can get the 😎EPIC VICTORY ROYALE😎”

 

“Pork, I have only known you for 10 minutes. But when I saw you emoting on the defaults you knocked, and called said: “you’re trash kid”, I could help but fall for you.”

 

“Roubitou, I don’t know what to say..” pork

 

“Don’t say anything, my gamer. Take this instead…” says robita 

 

"Rothbart, nooooooooooooo🥺🥺oooooooooo👹oooo😭😢ooooooooooooooooo😢😢ooo😭😭oooooooooooooooooo" screm lorto.

 

Robita then jumps off of the build and DIES, but Portia won the 😎EPIC VICTORY ROYALE😎

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