Archive of Our Own ^beta

“I’m sorry, you want me to do what now?”

The lens zooms out until the camera can capture the prison bars in front of the two men in the basement. Cobwebs hang from the cage, and specks of dust float around in the air, powered by drafts seeping in from every crevice. The man who’s just spoken draws attention to the bright pink feathered handcuffs around his wrists when he attempts to yank himself free from the bedpost. The other, who’s tied to the bars of the cage, tries to speak, but there’s a ball gag in his mouth, so all that comes out is a muffled grunt.

Someone behind the camera clears their throat. “Just… say a few words to the camera?”

The handcuffed man stops his efforts to liberate himself and freezes completely. Slowly, very slowly, he turns his head towards the camera, and his eyes land on something slightly above the frame. Then, he looks directly into the lens. His upper lip is twitching. “Listen here, you son of a bitch, I am not gonna be part of your pervy snuff film, you got it? And if you don’t get that thing out of my face, I’m gonna rip it out of your grubby little hands,” his voice is rising exponentially now, “and I’m gonna shove it right up your-”

“Everything has gone to shit,” Nadja tells the camera with a blank expression. She heaves a deep sigh, staring into the distance as loud indistinct yelling echoes through the building, originating from the basement.

Nandor claps his hands together. “House meeting, everyone,” he calls to the gathering in the fancy room.

Sitting on the couch are Nadja and Laszlo, who exchange a look where they both roll their eyes. Colin Robinson, seated in one of the armchairs, is scrolling on his phone with his middle finger. His cattle prod has been propped against the leg of the chair. At the closed door, Guillermo stands watch, hands clasped behind his back.

“Is everyone here?” Nandor asks. “Colin Robinson, are you paying attention?”

Colin Robinson looks up from his phone. “What?”

“For fuck’s sake, just get on with it,” Nadja sighs.

“Yes, yes, I was getting there.” Nandor clears his throat. “As you all know, we have caught a couple of prisoners,” the camera pans to Guillermo, who slowly shakes his head and points a finger to his own chest, mouthing the word ‘me,’ “and tonight, I have assembled you to discuss what to do with them.”

Nadja shrugs her shoulders. “Let’s just kill them and be done with it.”

Guillermo takes a step forward. “But-”
“Quiet, Gizmo!” Laszlo says and pinches his thumb and index finger together in Guillermo’s direction.

Clenching his jaw, Guillermo steps back to stand against the door.

“Wait, I have something I’d like to add,” Colin Robinson says, gaze solidly trained on the phone in his hand, and holds up a finger. “Hold on, let me just…” he hums to himself, tapping the screen. “Just gonna have to…” Almost a minute passes, with the only sound being fingernails against glass. At last, he turns off the phone and looks up.

“Yes, Colin Robinson,” Nadja says, “what is it?”

Colin Robinson pushes his glasses up onto the bridge of his nose. “I don’t think we should kill them.”

Laszlo leans forward in his seat. “And?”

Colin Robinson shrugs. “No, that’s all.”

“I agree with Colin,” Guillermo says and clears his throat.

“I don’t,” Nadja declares, “because I’m not a fucking idiot. We can’t just let them walk out.”

Guillermo sighs. “I never said we should let them go. But killing them is also a bad idea.”

“Why?” Nandor asks.

Guillermo squeezes his eyes shut. “Because they’re hunters,” he says slowly, looking at each of the vampires.

“Plenty of people shoot animals, Gizmo,” Laszlo says, throwing out a hand. “Take my human best friend, Sean, for example.”

“They don’t-” Guillermo swallows a lump in his throat, “it’s not wildlife that they hunt.”

Guillermo is standing on the steps outside the vampire residence, hands in his pockets. “Yesterday, we had a break-in.”

The camera cuts away from Guillermo and shows surveillance footage from the day before. At noon, a tall man runs up to the front door and presses himself against the vampire residence, clutching a machete in his hand. He leans slightly forwards and waves his hand, and another, even taller man runs up next to him. They give each other a nod before simultaneously slamming their shoulders against the door, which swings open.

The footage shows the inside of the foyer from where the surveillance camera has been placed in an upper corner. Guillermo comes running with stakes strapped to his chest and a net gun in his hands. He props the launcher against his shoulder and fires, and a large net unfurls, hurtling towards the two men.

It catches the tallest one in the face, and one of the padded weights hits the other on the top of his head. They fall to the floor, limbs entangled in the webbing that covers them both fully. The tallest one manages to get up on his knees, but the net drags him back down again when the shorter one tugs at it in an attempt to free his leg.

While they’re wiggling around in the net, Colin Robinson appears, waves Guillermo behind him, and shocks them with the cattle prod. Guillermo cranes his neck to look up at the surveillance camera, and gives it a half-hearted thumbs up.

The camera cuts back to Guillermo outside the residence. “They did try to kill us, so we locked them in the basement.” He flashes a vibrant smile. “But they knew there were vampires here, and they came prepared with equipment, which I don’t think… I don’t think the others grasp the severity of.”

“To put it mildly, I think they’re dumb as fuck,” Laszlo says. He’s standing in the garden, trimming a topiary with a large pair of shears. “They’re always muttering about ‘gas,’ whatever the hell that means.” He shakes his head and cuts off a leaf on the sculpture. “I’ve been watching them in my bat form as a way of, you know,” he waves the shears, “reconnaissance, if you will.” He returns to his sculpting, looking away. “Nothing else.”

In the fancy room, Nandor turns to face Guillermo. “What do you mean, Guillermo?”

When Guillermo speaks, he looks only at Nandor. “Those men in the basement, they’re hunters the same way I am.” He exhales.

Laszlo frowns. “What the fuck do you hunt?”

“Vampires, Laszlo!” Guillermo exclaims. “We’re dealing with professional vampire hunters.”

“Let’s kill them quickly, then,” Nadja drawls. She’s resting her head in the palm of her hand.

Letting out a sigh, Guillermo glances up at the ceiling. “No, but hunters, they have a whole network. If we kill these guys, others will come to avenge them.”

“So we can’t whack them,” Laszlo draws a hand across his throat, “and we can’t let them go? What the fuck do you want us to do, then?”

Guillermo just stares. “Are you, like, taking a break from hypnotism that you haven’t told me about? Is that why none of you have suggested that?”

Colin Robinson puts his hands in his pockets and shrugs. “The longer they argue about what to do, the longer I get to keep the prisoners to myself. Because, let me tell you, they’re the best damn meal I’ve ever had. Period.” He tips forward on his toes as he says this last word.

The camera cuts to footage of Colin Robinson sneaking down the stairs towards the basement. A single ray of sunshine passing through a crack in the curtains reveals that it’s daytime.

“I’ve been sneaking into the basement to feed. I feed mostly on boredom and annoyance, but the pure despair and exhaustion those two radiate? It’s fine dining. I don’t even have to say anything; they’re just always full of existential dread.”

The camera is now filming from inside the pitch black basement by the cage as Colin Robinson cranks open the door. His silhouette is lit up from behind by a single strip of light from the outside. He slips through the gap and closes the door, enveloping the room in total darkness once again. From the top of the staircase, two bright blue orbs light up, and a cackle fills the room.

“De-licious,” Colin Robinson’s dismembered voice says over the footage.

Back in the fancy room, Nandor scratches the back of his head and gives the camera a quick glance. “I mean, I was just waiting for any of you to say it.”

Laszlo rubs his forehead. “Shut the fuck up, Nandor,” he says under his breath.

“Okay, so we hypnotize the prisoners so they forget this ever happened, and then we just…” Nadja licks her lips and pulls a grimace that scrunches up the features of her face. “Don’t… kill them?”

Colin Robinson clears his throat loudly, and the others groan. “I wouldn’t say we have to hurry, right, guys? That cage down there is impervious. No normal human can break out of a steel cage. Which reminds me, did you know that steel is actually an alloy of iron and a small amount of carbon? These components are used to increase its strength and resistance, which is why steel is such a trusty material. You would think that, with you guys being vampires, that you’d be lucky that the cage isn’t made of silver steel, but there’s not actually silver in silver steel. The name comes from the polished look of the alloy, so that’s interesting.”

Nadja is opening and then closing her eyes, but as her head tips forwards, and her chin falls to her chest, she manages to force out the words, “Colin Robinson, I will kill you if you don’t shut up.”

The blue gleam in Colin Robinson’s eyes vanishes. “My point is, the cage is human-proof, so there’s no need to put our skates on. Guillermo couldn’t get out, remember?”

Guillermo glances at the camera and gives it a quiet hush. He looks at Colin Robinson, opening his mouth to speak, but then his head snaps back to the camera, eyes wide. “Mierda,” he whispers.

In the basement, the only source of illumination is the blitz from the camera. The handcuffed man is glaring into the light.

“Yeah, we came here to kill them. Is that what you wanna hear, you freak?” When he speaks, his voice is hoarse from use. “We saw that people were disappearing here. Lotta LARPers, for some reason. So we decide to check it out, and we find bodies drained of blood. That’s classic vamp, so me and my brother,” he jabs a thumb over his shoulder as far as the handcuffs allow, towards the other man in the cage, “we tracked the missing people to here. But we haven’t seen any vamps. Only the human who got us and that Dilbert-looking guy with the glowing eyes. Also a very handsy bat.”

The man behind him makes a series of sounds, muffled by the ball gag. He tears at the rope around his wrists with so much power that the bars of the cage rattle, and his long floppy hair bounces around his face. Another string of guttural sounds emit from his throat, and he tries pointing his finger at the object in his mouth.

The other nods. “Yeah, I thought the same. That human, he’s gotta be under some sort of mind control.”

His companion lets out a loud groan and squeezes his eyes shut.

In this moment, the door to the basement flies open, and the camera moves to capture an indiscernible blob of silhouettes entering. Cursing echoes through the room, followed by a series of crashes and Colin Robinson grunting. The blitz from the camera flickers and goes out, and the entire basement becomes pitch black.

“Now!” the handcuffed man shouts, followed by a violent shuffle in the cage. There’s a loud bang as something large clatters to the floor. Footsteps sound, and Colin Robinson lets out a yelp.

“Someone get the fucking lights!” Nadja hisses from somewhere in the dark.

The projectors flicker to life, and Guillermo slowly removes his hands from the light switch. He, Nadja, Laszlo and Nandor are standing at the top of the small staircase, frozen. A rectangular section of the bars in the cage is missing, laying on the floor.

At the foot of the stairs are the two prisoners, almost free of their binds. The taller - the one with the floppy hair - has removed the ball gag from his mouth, but he hasn’t unclasped the leather strop, leaving it to hang around his neck like a necklace. The pink handcuffs dangle from his companion’s wrist, but in his other hand he has a small knife pressed against Colin Robinson’s throat.

“Don’t try any funny business,” the shorter man says, applying pressure to the knife, “or Dilbert here gets it.”

“What the fuck did you just call me?”

The vampires huddle together in a circle. Guillermo tries to join, but they shift to close up the gaps between them, and Laszlo reaches a hand back to push him away. When Nadja, Laszlo and Nandor break apart, they form a line and exchange a single look with each other.

“Is it just me,” the shorter of the prisoners begin, “or is this very… Oktoberfest 2008 to you?”

The taller nods. “Yeah. Wasn’t gonna mention it.”

“Uh, guys, are you gonna, like, help me?” Colin Robinson asks, voice quaking slightly.

Nandor shrugs. “You can have him.”

“What-” Guillermo says, at the same time that Laszlo erupts with a, “that wasn’t the fucking deal.”

“Just stick to the plan,” Guillermo urges from somewhere behind Nandor’s shoulder.

Nandor sighs. “Fine.” He pushes out his cape so it billows behind him and rolls his shoulders. He wiggles his fingers in front of the prisoners’ faces. “You will tell us who you are,” he says in a sing-song voice, dragging out the words.

The men’s eyes go blank. “My name is Dean Winchester,” the shorter one says. “This is my brother, Sam.”

Guillermo tugs at the collar of his sweater. “Imagine you go fishing, and you think you’ve caught - I don’t know, let’s just say - a herring, right?” He holds up his hands in front of his chest, measuring the distance between his palms until they’re about a foot apart. “But the thing that’s actually on the hook is a great white shark. A great white shark who has died and come back from the dead multiple times and has serial killer allegations. Also, apparently, probably, knows the King of Hell personally.” He chuckles, but his laughter dies out as his arms go limp at his sides. “Fuck. Just…” He looks into the distance. “Fuck.”

Guillermo pulls at Nandor’s cape. “We have to get them out of here as quickly as possible. Never mention this again and forget we’ve ever seen them.”

“What’s the problem with him?” Laszlo asks, setting his hands on the railing. “Nandor, control your familiar.”

“Guillermo,” Nandor says, bowing down his head, “what is the matter?”

Guillermo bites his lip. “Be careful, please?”

“Of course, Guillermo,” Nandor answers. He turns towards the prisoners, but on the way he looks into the camera and draws a circle next to his temple with his finger. He clears his throat, and when he speaks, he addresses Sam and Dean. “You will now forget everything you’ve seen here, and you will forget that you’ve ever been here, and you will never come back. Or tell anyone to come here. And you will forget that we are vampires.” he adds after a moment of consideration.

“Yeah,” Sam nods, “I don’t think so.” He tears the ball gag from his neck and hurtles it towards Nandor.

When it collides with his forehead, he stumbles and blinks, and in this moment, Dean shoves Colin Robinson to the ground and bolts for the staircase with Sam close behind.

“Well, shit,” Laszlo says calmly. “Bat!” In the place he previously stood is now a bat flying towards the door.

Nadja turns, her dress whirling around her legs, and vanishes in a poof of smoke. Cursing under his breath, Nandor also transforms into a bat, and with a screech, he and Nadja flee the premises. Guillermo looks around, frenzied, and then he’s also running.

Sam and Dean are in close pursuit, taking the stairs two steps at a time. As they exit the basement, they slam the door shut behind them.

Slowly, Colin Robinson hoists himself up onto his knees, groaning and grunting as he gets up to a standing position. Shaking his limbs, he ascends the stairs and pulls the knob. It doesn’t budge. He pulls again. Pushes. Nothing happens.

Colin Robinson turns around towards the camera. “They locked the door. Welp,” he chuckles. “It looks like we’re stuck here indefinitely, amiright, pals?”

“We are crafting a plan of attack,” Nadja announces to the camera. In the background, Laszlo and Nandor are levitating the StairMaster across the length of the attic, where they’re hiding.

“As long as Nandor is not in charge of the hypnosis.” Laszlo says as he drops the StairMaster at the top of the stairs that leads up into the room.

“Yes, you were pretty shit,” Nadja agrees.

“I am not shit at hypnosis; they are shit at being hypnotized,” Nandor sneers. With a quick glance into the camera, he continues in a lower voice, “Because I am very good at hypnosis, so it just seems unlikely that it was me who was the problem.”

Sam and Dean are standing in the fancy room, wearing wide, but stiff smiles.

“I’m actually immune to hypnosis,” Sam says, “because I, er…”

Dean cups a hand around his mouth, whispering loudly, “He was basically roofied as a baby. And then he went on a horrible bender with this real poisonous chick a couple of years ago, and it literally started the end of the world.”

“Seriously, Dean?” Sam asks, pursing his lips as he turns to face him. “First of all, it wasn’t a bender; it was an addiction, okay? Secondly, I thought we were done blaming just me for the Apocalypse. It’s not like you were innocent, either.”

Dean clears his throat, tilting back on his heels. “Also, those guys did a real sloppy job trying us up, by the way. I mean, who locks someone in a cage with a giant, human-sized hole in it?”

“So, yeah,” Guillermo says with a smile from one of the chairs in the middle of the fancy room, “they got me” His face drops.

The camera zooms out to reveal Sam behind him, pointing a gun at the back of his head.

“It’s a shame they tied us up,” Guillermo says, gesturing to his lap where his hands have been bound together with a belt. “If only there was someone here,” he raises his eyebrows, jutting his chin forwards towards the crew, “whose hands were free,” he raises his eyebrows even more, “who could find that cattle prod that’s probably in this room because that’s where we left it before we went down in the basement.”

The door swings open. “Dude, check this out,” Dean says as he strolls into the room, spinning a sword around in his hands. He turns around and catches sight of the camera. “What the hell,” he says, pointing. “How many of those do you have in this dump?”

“I found them while you were scouting.” Sam shrugs, “I tried to, uh, get them under control, but they’d rather just…” He glances into the lens, mouth twitching. “...record.”

“Freaking weirdos.”

Sam clears his throat. “Anyway, what’ve you found?”

“First of all, this kickass sword,” Dean answers, holding up the blade with a smile. “Also, found my gun, but the machete’s gone. But then I went into this sad little dirty hobbit hole, and I found this.” He shrugs off a bag from his shoulder and throws it to the floor. A handful of wooden stakes spill out.

Guillermo freezes. “Shit!”

“There’s only one thing to do,” Nandor says as he paces the length of the attic.

Laszlo nods. “Kill Gizmo, yes.”

Nandor stops his walking abruptly, coming to a halt directly in front of Laszlo. “What the f- No! Why would you suggest that?”

“In Laszlo’s defense,” Nadja says, shrugging, “this entire shitbucket of a situation is his fault.”

“Exactly,” Laszlo chimes in, pointing a finger Nadja’s way, “we wouldn’t be in this fucking debacle if he hadn’t brought those bastards in like some lost puppies.”

“Jesus, Sam,” Dean breathes, “stop being such a pissbaby.”

Sam clenches his fists at his sides, seething. “No, Dean, I won’t. Do you have any idea what it’s like to have a ball gag in your mouth for an entire day?”

Dean looks into the camera and shrugs, a corner of his mouth turning upwards.

“Dean,” Sam says, sighing, “stop.”

Slapping Sam on his shoulder, Dean lets out a laugh. “Aight,” he says, rubbing his hands together, “loosen up. We got a job to do.”

The brothers turn towards Guillermo, who’s still sitting in the chair, and their shadows tower above him.

“Okay,” Sam says, “can you tell us where those vampires are?”

Guillermo shakes his head. “I can’t answer that.”

Nodding, Dean turns towards Sam. “He seem mind controlled to you?”

Sam raises his eyebrows in a shrug. “No?”

Dean bends at the waist to lean over Guillermo, who tries to merge with the backrest of the chair. “Did Dracula’s weird cousins put you under some sorta spell?”

“Listen,” Guillermo implores, “from one hunter to another, I ask you to just leave this place alone. Please don’t hurt them.”

“If you’re a hunter,” Sam says to Guillermo, “then you know why we can’t back down.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “I’ve had enough of this,” he says, setting a hand on Sam’s shoulder and turning him away. “I say we leave Bella Swan here, and we go find those sons of bitches ourselves.”

The door swings open, crashing against the wall. “Or,” a dismembered voice says, “the sons of bitches find you!”

Suddenly, Nadja, Laszlo and Nandor are standing in the doorway, all three of them hissing and showing off their fangs. Nadja lifts her hands and propels Sam into a bookshelf, and when he falls down, a book clunks him on the head. Guillermo winces.

Dean hurls a stake at Nandor, who ducks and then flies across the room towards him. Dean’s eyes widen as he jumps away, swinging the sword to the side in a concentrated arch. Nandor pulls out a dagger from his belt with a triumphant yell.

Dean cocks his head to the side, cracking his neck. “Mine’s still bigger than yours.”

Nandor hisses. “I know you’re talking about penises, and mine is very large!” he shouts, diving back in.

Dean clubs him in the face with the blunt edge of the sword while Guillermo wriggles in his binds.

Blades crash as Sam hauls himself to his feet with a groan, staggering as he gains his balance. He trips against one of the chairs and falls flat on his face. As he spreads his arms out to hoist himself back up, he pauses and begins fumbling for something under the chair. When he pulls back, he’s gripping Colin Robinson’s cattle prod.

Sam gets up, shaking his head. He sprints, heading towards Nandor’s back, and jams the prod between his shoulder blades. Nandor’s his body begins shaking.

“Now, I will admit,” Nandor says, holding up his palms, “that it looked like I got kicked in my ass. But I did it on purpose.” He folds his hands in front of him. The camera zooms in. He brushes a spider web from a lamp shade. The camera zooms in a little more. He looks anywhere except into the lens. The camera follows him when he tries to leave the room. “I said it was on fucking purpose!”

In the corner, Nadja and Laszlo are watching the spectacle, huddled closely together.

“You know,” Nadja says, tapping her chin with her hand, “this would be excellent entertainment at a vampire orgy.”

Dean pauses as Nandor whirls around and grabs Sam by the shoulders, throwing him across the room. “Vampires have orgies?” Dean asks, panting.

“Of course vampires have orgies,” Laszlo answers. “What else would we use our immortal lives on besides fucking and sucking?”

In the background, Sam parries one of Nandor’s strikes.

“Makes sense.” Dean shrugs. “You ever invite humans?”

“Dean!” Sam yells. He’s holding the prod in both hands, while Nandor is pressing down on it with the dagger. “You are not having sex with another vampire!”

“Only virgins, whose blood we drink,” Nadja answers, grimacing apologetically.

Frowning, Dean nods. “Listen, lady- hey, another?”

Sam’s knees are buckling under him. “You and Benny?”

“C’mon, dude,” Dean throws out his hands, “there’s no time for sex in Purgatory.”

Dean is looking directly into the camera. “There is.”

Laszlo narrows his eyes. “The one in Miami? I’d say there’s nothing but time for the old hanky panky there.”

“True,” Dean agrees

Sam hits Nandor with the prod, using it like a club instead of shocking him. “Stop. Thinking. With. Your. Dick!” He says between smacks.

Sam is sitting on the couch in the library. “No, I’m not mad my brother wants to get freaky with a bunch of vamps. Do I think it’s stupid that he wants to bone them?” He shrugs. “Yes, considering they ball-gagged me and put me in a cage. Especially when Dean knows how I feel about cages after I was tortured relentlessly in one for over a year. But it’s…”

Sam sighs, running a hand down his face. “Reprimanding him for it would just be hypocritical on my part,” he touches his palms to his chest, “because I actually had sex with a- a werewolf once. Also a demon. Several times. Even though he told me it was a bad idea.” He swallows a lump in his throat. “But then Dean had sex with an angel who wanted to obliterate me and scatter my atoms throughout the universe, so, yeah…”

He looks to the side, frowning, and folds his hands in his lap. “Are we done here?”

“Anyway,” Laszlo says, clasping his hands together, “we should be trying to kill you.”

“No!” Guillermo shouts, still fighting to free himself.

“Oh.” Dean smacks his lips together. “Yeah, that’s right.” He lifts the sword and charges.

Nadja flings out her hands, and he flies into the air, dropping the sword and slamming his head against the wall. He blinks a couple of times, but his eyes seem to focus as he catches sight of something in the corner, which he reaches out for. It’s the Doll With The Spirit of Deceased Human Nadja Inhabiting It, but she’s completely limp in his hands and doesn’t move or talk at all.

Dean is holding the Doll up by one of her legs and shaking her slightly, poking her eye with his finger. When Nadja spots this, she lets out a shrill shriek and begins levitating. “I’m going to fucking kill you!”

“There are only so many things a woman should put up with,” Nadja says calmly, nodding. Her red nails glisten in the lamplight. “And a dumb man who treats her ghost with disrespect is not one of them. Although,” she turns towards the Doll who’s sitting on the couch at her side, “you are normally so strong and violent and radiant. Why did you suddenly go all lifeless?”

The Doll shrugs. “I was scared.”

Nadja pats her head and gives the camera a vibrant smile. “Then it’s fortunate that I’m not.”

“Nadja,” Guillermo yells from the chair, struggling ferociously against his binds, “remember the plan!”

“Fuck your bloody stupid plan!” Nadja hisses, flying around the room in pursuit of Dean, who’s dropped the Doll onto the floor. “I’m going to rip off your head and put it on a stake!”

“It was kinda hot,” Dean says with a lopsided smile. There are wounds resembling claw marks on his cheek.

“So, let me get this straight,” Sam says, turning halfway around to face him, “you got chased around by a flying vampire lady screaming about she was gonna watch the blood spew from your neck like a fountain, use it as a fondue and also bathe naked in it, and you still wanna take your chances at that vampire orgy?”

“Hell yeah.” Dean nods. “I’m not a freaking coward, Sam.”

“Sam!” Dean yells, pausing briefly to chuck a stake at Nadja, which misses. He flees the fancy room, running out into the hallway.

Sam looks in Dean’s direction, and in that moment, Nandor grabs his wrist, hauls him close and headbuts him. They both stumble away, but Nandor regains his composure first and yanks the cattle prod from Sam’s hand and kicks him in the chest, sending him flying out of the room.

In the hallway, Dean watches Sam land on his back with a wheeze while Nadja chases him around. “Cas!” he yells, looking upwards, “Cas, if you can hear me, we could really use your help. Now!”

Laszlo appears in the doorway, frowning. “See, there it is again with the gas.” The furrow between his brows deepens. “Gas.”

“Darling,” Nadja stops her pursuit, levitating in the air, “I don’t think that’s what he’s saying. It sounds more like-”

She’s interrupted by a roaring thunderclap, and she shrieks, gripping Laszlo’s shoulder. Nandor staggers into the hallway, covering his ears to shield them from an ear-splitting high pitched sound. The windows rattle, and a vase bounces off its table and shatters onto the floor.

A man materializes in the middle of the room, and the lightbulb above him explodes. He’s wearing a trenchcoat. “Hello, Dean,” he says, voice deep and gruff.

Laszlo gives him a once-over and whistles, but almost as soon as his gaze lands on the stranger he jerks away with a hiss, holding a hand over his eyes. Nadja grips his shoulder tighter, fussing.

“Cas,” Dean says with a sigh and the shadow of a smile on his lips. He glances into the camera, and then his eyes widen, and he looks at the floor.

“Sam’s here too, by the way,” Sam says, giving a wave.

Cas frowns, and then begins sniffing the air. “What are you two doing in a vampire den?”

“Oh, just chilling, Cas,” Dean answers. “You know, the thing we normally do in vampire dens.”

Cas squints. “I believe that’s sarcasm, in which case it’s not a useful answer.” He turns towards Sam. “What actually happened?”

“What happened, oh great powerful creature,” Nadja says, bowing her head, “is that those two fuckheads here ambushed us in our own home.”

Sam’s eyes widen, and he splutters. “You locked us in a cage,” he hisses. Turning towards Cas, he points a shaking finger at the vampires. “They put a ball gag in my mouth!”

“Shut up about the ball gag, Sam,” Dean says tiredly.

Cas frowns. “That sounds embarrassing for you.”

Laszlo clears his throat and shields his eyes while looking Cas’ way. “I have but one question; hwhat the fuck are you supposed to be?”

Cas glances at Dean. “I’m an angel.”

Laszlo grins despite the blood that’s running from his eyes and making red trails on his cheeks. “Well, you certainly look the part.” He jabs Nadja’s ribcage with his elbow. “Straight out of Vampire Tricked in Steam Room, that one.”

Dean jerks his head towards him. “Wait, you know that one?”

“My fear fellow,” Laszlo straightens the lapels of his overcoat, “I made that one.”

“Awesome,” Dean smiles.

Nadja facepalms. “Laszlo.”

At the exact same time, Sam sighs and says, “Dean.”

Laszlo sits in his and Nadja’s room, resting his arm on the backrest of the chair. “I’m always delighted to meet a fan. I think, if the circumstances were different, that Dean and I could become very good friends because of our shared interests. I like porn, and he likes porn.” He counts on his finger, but doesn’t continue speaking.

The camera zooms out to reveal Nadja at his side. “That’s it?” she asks.

“Yes.”

“Dean,” Cas says, turning around so he’s not facing the vampires, but the brothers instead, and if he notices Laszlo staring at his backside, he doesn’t react to it, “we have to go. The Angel Tablet, I’ve found it, but it’s warded against angels.” He pauses and looks at Dean, licking his lips. “I need your help.”

“Sure thing, Cas,” Dean says, clapping him on the shoulder. “After we gank these vamps.”

“Yes, because that was going so well for you before.” Nandor huffs, crossing his arms.

Cas turns to face him. Nandor leans back on his heels and grinds his teeth as he tries to maintain eye contact with Cas, who’s not blinking. Smoke rises from Nandor’s eyes, and a sizzling sound fills the room. He’s crying tears of blood.

“Me? No, I’ve had practice with the whole unyielding stare thing.” Dean shrugs, crossing his arms. “But Cas has that effect on people.”

The camera moves a bit to the side until the profiles of both Cas and Nandor are in the frame. Cas turns his head towards the camera briefly and looks away again, but his gaze has barely found Nandor again before he does a wide-eyed double take and shifts his entire attention to the camera. Nandor lets out a sigh and clutches his chest. Cas squints at the camera, one eye almost completely closed, and he takes a step closer. The cameraman backs away, but Cas follows.

From behind, Guillermo appears and charges, plunging a stake in between his shoulder blades while he’s distracted. Cas doesn’t flinch. Instead, he turns to face Guillermo, tilting his head to the side while a furrow forms on his brow.

“Fear is a very powerful aphrodisiac,” Laszlo tells the camera with a firm nod, “and in that moment, I was rock hard.”

Guillermo gapes, and he casts a panicked look at the camera. His hand is frozen in the position it was in when he stabbed Cas. Nadja covers her mouth, and Laszlo winds his coat tighter around himself.

Cas looks down at the tip of the stake, which is protruding from his chest and coloring his white dress shirt red. “I believe the exclamation you would like me to say is ‘ouch,’ correct?” he says flatly.

Guillermo is still frozen, his lip trembling slightly. “Jesus, Mary and Joseph,” he whispers.

“No, just Castiel.”

Dean sighs. “Cas, no.”

Cas reaches a hand back and fumbles for the wooden post embedded in his back, but after a moment, his arm falls to the side. “I can’t- I can’t reach it. It’s stuck.”

“Guillermo!” Nadja chastises.

Laszlo puts his hands on his hips. “Don’t just stand there! Go help the poor chap.”

Shaking, Guillermo tiptoes around Cas, whose stare follows him. Guillermo yanks the stake out of Cas’ back with a loud squelch.

“No offense and all,” Guillermo stutters, blinking, “but you don’t really look like I imagined angels to look like. Where are all the eyes and the spinning wheels?”

“Guillermo,” Nandor calls, “that’s really rude.”

“No, it’s quite understandable. My true form would instantly kill you godless creatures, but this body is a vessel.” Cas gestures down himself. “A devout man who allowed me to enter him.”

The vampires begin snickering, and Cas’ reaction is to stare at them, which makes them shut up once they start crying tears of blood.

Suddenly, Cas straightens his back, and his face hardens as he looks into the distance. It only lasts about a second, and then he’s blinking, a frown forming on his features. He looks at Dean. “We have to go. Now.” He raises a hand towards the vampires and Guillermo, who all drop onto the floor immediately, unconscious. The camera clatters to the ground, but it captures Cas touching a hand to each of the brothers’ foreheads, and they disappear with the sound of flapping wings accompanying them.

“Hey, dudes,” Colin Robinson says as he walks into view. “What’d I miss?”

“This has been fun,” Dean says.

“Yeah, not at all.” Sam scowls.

“Is it because of the ball gag?”

They’re standing in the hallway. In the background, Cas is staring at Nadja, Laszlo and Nandor, who are hissing at him from a corner.

“We’re gonna come back,” Sam says with a nod, sticking his hands in his pockets. “And we’re gonna kill them.”

Dean glances at him, a smirk on his lips. “It’s because of the ball gag, isn’t it?”