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“What should we do?” Mateo asked as TK shut the door to the bathroom.
“I don’t think he is going to come back out here while we are all still here.” Marjan replied. “We should probably just leave some of the food and head out.”
Nancy agreed that they shouldn’t all stay there, but something was telling her to stay with him. She looked at her boyfriend, apologizing with a smile for cancelling their plans for her to stay at his and Captain Strand’s home. “I am going to stay here. If he comes out and kicks me out, I will call you, but, I really don’t think he should be completely alone right now.”
Mateo chuckled, “I kind of figured that was what you would say.”
All four of them got up from the living room, taking enough of the food out for Nancy and TK, taking the rest with them to Paul’s apartment.
Nancy gave TK a few more minutes after everyone else left before knocking on the door to the bathroom. “Hey bud, are you ok?” she asked through the door.
“Nance?” came from inside.
“Yeah, everyone else left. It’s just the two of us here now.” She told her partner.
She only had to wait a moment before she heard the door unlock, then open to show TK’s tear-streaked face.
“Where did everyone else go? They didn’t have to leave.” TK said as he dropped onto the couch.
“They know. They went to Paul’s, but I thought you might need a shoulder to lean on tonight. It’s been a rough week.” Nancy told him. She had been continually impressed with how her partner had handled all the news that had come his way, completely unexpectedly. “They left us some of the food. Let’s go grab some of it and then we can talk or watch a movie – your choice.”
“I’m not really hungry, Nance.” TK replied, not getting up from the couch.
Nancy had been expecting that, had been paying attention to all the times he hadn’t been hungry. All of them had been when he was highly stressed, some people ate a lot when they were under a lot of pressure or stress, others did the opposite and hardly ate at all – that was TK. She told him “Too bad. You need to eat at least a little bit of it. You didn’t eat anything all shift either.” As she reached her hand down to him, pulling him up. They went to the kitchen, TK putting the extra plates away once they had selected their food.
Taking their food back to the couch, Nancy watched him play with his food more than eat it. She ate while he pushed the rice around his plate in silence for a few minutes, waiting for him to realize she was still watching him.
TK snorted when he saw her looking at him “I am not that interesting to look at.” When she just continued to stare at him, he sighed before relenting. “Fine, I will eat if it will make you stop staring at me.”
She nodded as she took a bite of her food, letting him eat in peace. She didn’t say anything when he reached for his phone, casting a cooking show to the TV as they finished their dinner. As soon as they were both done eating, TK got up, taking both of their plates to the dishwasher.
TK slumped down in the corner of the couch, pulling his blanket around himself, looking overwhelmingly lost. She leaned against the back of the couch, pulling one leg up under the other, before asking “Are you okay?” She didn’t want to pry, but she did want him to know that he could talk to her if he needed to, about whatever he needed to.
TK met her gaze, trying to pull off a smile, but not quite making it. “Not really. I know that this was my fault. All of it. And there isn’t anything I can do to make it better. He stayed out all night last night to. He left about three minutes after the detective did. He couldn’t even look at me Nance.” He finally let out. “He hates me now.”
“Dude, he doesn’t hate you. He is just freaking the fuck out because she was missing and then got hurt.” Nancy told him.
“Because of me. If I had just let it go, not gone to see her, hell, had I not asked him to marry me, then none of this shit would have happened.” TK told her, his thoughts causing him to spiral, while he stared at his hands.
“TK.” When he didn’t look up, she moved closer, waving her hand in his face, cutting off his trance. “TK.” When he finally looked up at her, she asked “What are you talking about? That this wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t asked him to marry you? Where did you get that from?”
TK looked away again, sighing as he answered her question. “If I hadn’t asked him to marry me, then he wouldn’t have had to ask her for a divorce, then I wouldn’t have stupidly gotten extremely insecure and gone to see her, leading us to our current situation. She is in a hospital bed because of me going to talk to her.”
Nancy could hear the certainty in his voice, he not only thought that all of this was his fault, he truly felt like it was. Thought that he had made a mistake when he had proposed to Carlos, which was one of the saddest things she had heard since TK’s mom had died last year.
Knowing TK as well as she had come to since he had become her partner, she knew that he would tear himself apart with the guilt. She had watched him do it when he and Carlos had been broken up for a few months, she couldn’t just watch him do it again now.
“TK, look at me.” She waited until he met her eyes again before continuing. “I understand why you are blaming yourself, but I don’t think he blames you. I really don’t.”
“He does Nancy, he all but said it before he left last night. He confirmed it when he pointedly looked at anything but me on that stupid fucking call. Same thing when he came out with her. I get it though. If I had just let things be, everything would be fine, but nope, I couldn’t do that.” TK said, his anger at himself getting louder, more pronounced. He got up from the couch, pacing as he continued his rant against himself. “And that comment about staying in bad relationships? I shouldn’t have fucking asked. I think all I did was fuck everything up, shit I didn’t even know existed.”
“TK! Stop.” Nancy had to shout to be heard over him, his self-doubt was so damn loud. When he stopped pacing, propping himself against the back of one of the arm chairs, defiant glare in place, she rolled her eyes telling him “That man loves you and doesn’t think that you made a mistake asking him to marry you. I know that. I have watched the two of you together for years now. Years, TK. He was just as lost as you were when you weren’t together, still would be. He might be upset or even mad at you, but he doesn’t hate you. Will you please sit back down now?” She asked, chuckling when he pouted all the way back over to the couch, flopping down on the couch, wrapping himself back up in his blanket.
“I know he loves me, I do know that. I also know that love doesn’t save everything. Look at my parents.” TK told her, his anger at himself turning into something else, more like resignation.
Nancy had been around for the fall out of Owen and Gwyn round two, she understood what TK meant. There hadn’t been anger or dislike between them, just too much that wasn’t there or right. There had been a lot of love, even now after she had been gone for close to a year.
“I know what you mean. But, I think you are selling both of you short here. I also think there is a lot more to his reactions than just blaming or being mad at you.” Nancy admitted to him. She watched as he processed her words, saw the confusion set in.
“What do you mean?” TK asked her.
“I think he is angry with and blaming himself for all of it.” Nancy told him.
“Why? He isn’t the one that set this all in motion.” TK pouted.
Nancy was probably one of the most neutral people on the planet when it came to choosing sides between friends, which she knows this is not what TK is trying to do. But she also knows them both well enough to be able to read them, while having the emotional distance to see them both more clearly. She could admit when either one of them made a mistake or did something arguably stupid, just like she was about to do now.
“Are you sure about that, TK?” She asked, waited for him to meet her gaze. “I love you both, you know that. So listen to me when I tell you this. You found a man that could teach a master class in compartmentalization and contrary to your beliefs, he isn’t perfect. He fucks up too.” She paused to take a drink of her water, rolling his eyes at TK’s confused expression. “He should have told you a while ago that he was legally married, that way the both of you could have approached the whole planning thing around when he was able to get the divorce at a slower pace. You could have been on the same page, working together.” She smiled at him as she added “Instead, he chose to try to plan a wedding with you while hiding that he was still legally bound to someone else, as understandable as his reasons for still being married are. Had he told you what the real situation was, you could have waited to venue shop until you could get legally married, then there wouldn’t have been this sudden rush for a divorce in such a short period of time.”
TK wiped a tear from his cheek with the arm of his hoodie, before saying, “I mean, yeah, that would have been nice to know. Would definitely have changed things.”
“Would you still be with him if you had known?” She asked, genuinely curious, it had been one of the many questions she hadn’t thought she would ask, but she thinks it might be an important one for him to answer.
TK took a moment, thought about what she asked before answering, “Yeah. That doesn’t change anything. I know that they aren’t married in the same sense he and I would be, that there are so many differences that they aren’t at all comparable. I respect his past, the choices he thought he had to make. I had a few friends in New York that had similar relationships. I understand why he has stayed married to her, that she needed him. I don’t blame him for that.” TK looked away before admitting, “I wish he had told me though. I guess the only thing that would have changed would be that I wouldn’t have asked him. I wouldn’t have put him in the position where he had to choose between her and I. Between marrying me and helping her, not choosing between who he got to keep in his life, I am actually really happy that he is reconnecting with her.”
“I know that, TK. You wouldn’t want him to just act like she doesn’t exist, that’s not who you are. You would just have liked to know that she was in fact legally bound to your boyfriend, before proposing, which TK, that is a fucking valid thing to have liked to have known.” Nancy told him more passionately than she had intended, but hoping that she was getting through to him.
TK chuckled at her outburst. “I know.” He leaned his head back on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. “I just feel like every time things are going well, another bomb detonates, leaving everything in little tiny pieces, harder to put back together each time. I just don’t know if he will be able to forgive me this time.”
“I think you are seeing this through guilt ridden eyes, you aren’t letting yourself see that you both made decisions in this situation that weren’t the best, but TK, they were made out of love. He did choose to marry you, he chose to ask her for a divorce, even before he knew that she had a steady job, her own insurance. Without you asking him too, that wasn’t something you made him do.” Nancy told him, giving him her thoughts from the outside looking in. “You have done nothing but fight for your relationship, be understanding of all Carlos told you even though it completely rocked your world, have been pretty amazing on the job, while trying to plan a wedding in eight weeks. Give yourself a break.” She could tell that she was starting to get through to him, that he was actually listening to her words, hearing their meaning. “I think that once you both take a breath, think rationally instead of through panic and emotion, you will see things a lot more clearly, and will of course realize that I am right.” She ended with a wink.
“We really should have just told the venue no. That would probably still be the best thing to do, definitely less stressful.” TK told her with a self-deprecating laugh.
“You still can you know. You don’t have to go with that timeline or venue if it doesn’t feel right anymore.” Nancy advised him.
TK looked back over at her, “I hadn’t really thought about that. Seems pretty simple when you put it that way.”
“It’s hard to think clearly when you are drowning in guilt and stress. Just wait until tomorrow, when he comes home and you guys can talk.” She told him with a smile.
They spent a couple of minutes moving one of the chairs closer to the shorter end of the couch, adding length so that Nancy could stretch her legs out. TK had gone into his bedroom, grabbing all the pillows and blankets, bringing them into the living room, setting up the couch for their sleepover while Nancy made popcorn and hot chocolate. They watched several episodes Ex on the Beach, making fun of all the ridiculous drama.
Just as they started to drift off, TK said “Thank you Nance, I really appreciate you staying with me tonight. It helped a lot.”
“You are welcome, TK. Just remember this next time Mateo and I get into a fight.” Nancy told him with a laugh, relieved that her decision to stay had been the right call.