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Leo can't remember the last time he had been this exhausted.
Of course, this is the most exhausted he's ever been; being in a coma will do that to you. He's only just woken up, after all.
One moment, he's on a rooftop, chilling with his family after saving the world, and the next? He's in bed, hooked up to some sort of machinery, with Donnie explaining to him every major event that happened while he was out. Leo doesn't remember anything he said, though, as his brain is too foggy from sleep.
Since he woke up, Leo's family hasn't left him alone- not fully, at least. Someone was always in the room, either keeping an eye on him or keeping him company, or both.
If they left? A little camera in the corner of the room would turn on, a blinking red light signaling it's activation; Donnie, always watching. Leo can't decide if it's endearing or unnerving, the way his twin has been surveiling him.
Leo tries to appreciate it- and he does, as much as he can through his tiredness.
Casey was there when he woke up, and was there as the others ran into the room. Casey told them to give Leo space and was there as he re-gained his awareness, sitting at the foot of the bed with a quiet observance that Leo needed much more than his brothers' anxious bickering. Leo thanked him, and he meant it.
When Mikey brought him his lunch- though it was simple and reheated, it was food, because god knows Leo needs it- Leo put on his grateful-face and thanked him. He told Mikey that he would hug him if his ribs weren't broken, and he meant it.
When April FaceTimed him and asked him how he was doing, asked if he needed anything, and is still on call with him after 6 hours? Leo tells her that he's glad she's calling him even though she can't be there in person. He means it.
And, god, Leo loves his family. His chest aches- not only with a damaged ribcage or healing lung, but with absolute love for the people around him. He must have won some kind of lottery when it came to family, because sure as hell didn't earn this.
He did almost end the world, after all.
And he knows he shouldn't be saying that- Mikey and Donnie have both given their respective (unequally helpful) thoughts on the whole situation, and both have informed him that they don't blame him. This wasn't said as a reassurance, of course, because Leo would die before telling his family how guilty he feels; how little he thinks he deserved to have been brought back from the Prison Dimension.
Pulling himself away from his thoughts, Leo tries to engage with the scene around him.
Casey is still sitting at the foot of his bed, now tapping away at his cellphone- Donnie recently built it for him, and Mikey painted a custom case, brightly colored and something that only Mikey could make, with stickers and a somehow-not-retina-burning-design, despite the neon. Casey's said how he loves it.
Leo's phone is next to him, the camera propped up and pointed towards April, who is cooking herself dinner. She's talking about how she would absolutely be at the Lair if she could, but it's finals week and she's behind on multiple classes, and she really can't miss out on any study time. April has always been dedicated; something Leo both respects and loves about his sister.
Raph and Donnie are on the other side of the room, leaning over a clipboard in the softshell's hands. Donnie seems to be explaining something to the older, given the way his pen underlines certain writing and Raph nods occasionally, hand on chin.
Mikey, meanwhile, isn't in the room. He told everyone (but mostly Leo) that he would be just over in the kitchen making them dinner.
Splinter has been going back and forth between the rooms, conveying information, presumably between Leo's brothers. He's tried to ask Casey what they're talking about, but the response retained to Leo's brain like water off a duck's back. Leo hates being out of the loop, but it can't exactly be helped, given how he can't understand anything they're saying.
Damn you, krang-induced brain damage.
Leo tries to hook his attention onto something in the room, whether it be Aprils chattering or Casey's typing or Donnie's murmuring.
Between the ringing in his ears and the fog in his head? Leo can't pay attention to a thing. He instead decides that this is a perfect time to be uncomfortable in his sitting position- a bunch of pillows stacked atop each other behind his back, propping him up. He can feel how tense and sore the muscles in his sides are, and a dull pain begins to emanate from his spine, but it isn't much compared to the pain from his broken bones.
Leo, after a weak effort to remain silent, lets out an involuntary groan. God, does he want the pain to just stop.
Almost immediately, Donnie turns to the screen on his wrist and presses a couple buttons, then Leo feels a tiny prick on his lower back- where one of the many wires stuck to him is- and then the pain is quickly fading away. Of course Donnie hooked him up with painkillers, because Leo's stupid smartass brother is being his stupid weirdass self and being stupidly considerate because Donnie is stupid.
Wow, I love having normal reactions when people do nice things for me, Leo thinks completely unironically.
(It is very much ironic. Leo is painfully aware of how unnecessarily hostile and defensive he can become when people, especially his family, help him.)
And then Donnie looks up at Leo and gives him a smile- a tiny, tight, worried smile, which wouldn't be as unnerving if it wasn't Donnie who was smiling like that. Leo knows that his brothers can't stand to see him in this state, and it infuriates him how little control he has over the situation. He just wants things to go back to normal, because none of this worrying can be good for them.
Somehow, Donnie is worried about Leo. He tries not to show it, but Donnie's always been a bad liar, and Leo can tell when his twin is upset. Donnie is also being so careful around Leo, more careful than he thought the softshell could be. And, god, is it heartbreaking.
Mikey acts as though he's walking on eggshells at all times, as though him talking too loud might break another one of Leo's bones. Mikey is constantly asking Leo if he needs or wants everything, because Leo knows Mikey likes to have something to do, as being idle will cause him to think himself to death. Even then, Mikey is so, so, so worried, and unsure, and Leo wishes he could take his little brother and shake him by the shoulders and hug him as tight as he can and tell them that Your big brother Leon will be okay, because he's always okay, because he's the best. All the while putting on a confident smirk, if only to see Mikey giggle at his cockiness.
Raph isn't any better. He's been hovering around Leo, reluctant to leave his side. Raph isn't good at hiding his anxiety, either, as he bites his nails and bounces his leg and asks over and over again, are you sure you're okay?Do you need anything? And in those moments it takes everything in Leo not to reach up and cling onto Raph and start to sob into his shoulder, telling him that no, he's not okay and his body hurts so much. He hurts so much and he regrets everything he's ever done and he's so sorry for everything that he's brought onto this family.
Of course, Leo says nothing that he wants to say, because being vulnerable means telling the truth, and telling the truth is something that Leo isn't adjusted to.
And, anyway, he's too tired to cry.
Soon enough, Mikey pops his head into the room to announce that dinner's ready, and everyone except for Leo filters out of the room to get food. Casey tells Leo that he'll bring food back for him.
Raph throws a concerned look over his shoulder at Leo, who gives a reassuring thumbs up in return. Raph smiles that same worried smile that everyone's been looking at Leo with and leaves the room.
Then, Leo is alone for the first time since... well. He's been trying not to think about it.
The camera in the corner of the room doesn't turn on. April had hung up sometime after Leo stopped paying attention. Leo is fully alone.
He takes a deep breath, which makes his lungs sting as a sharp pain flares in his chest. A small noise escapes from his throat- he needs to be more cautious about his injuries, he supposes.
With nothing to distract him, Leo is forced to listen to the thoughts which have been creeping their way into his mind.
Of course there's the stuff that he always thinks; thoughts of inadequacy, the idea that he doesn't deserve the position that he has with his family, the idea that he deserves whatever anguish he's going through.
But there are new thoughts, now, and they are much more intense.
The memories of the near-invasion are fresh in his mind, and he hadn't had as much time to process as his brothers have. To them, it was months ago. To him? It happened yesterday.
There are four major moments that keep replaying in his mind:
When he stopped Raph from catching the key, the action that caused everything. The action that was a clear show of just how egotistical and shitty Leo always acts. The action that got innocent people killed, that hurt his family.
Then, there's when Raph saved him from the fight- when he got caught by the krang. Those moments when he was in the escape pod, flying further and further away from his older brother, banging on the glass and repeating his name-
"Wait, Raph, no- Raph!"
Yet another show of cowardice from Leonardo Hamato.
Thirdly, it's when the portal was closed- How desperate Casey was, how heartbroken Raph was. Leo had accepted it by then, though. He had a plan, and he went through with it, not caring how upset his family was. He sacrificed himself. He thought he would die.
...Then, he didn't.
The last thing that he keeps remembering is when Mikey's portal opened. A golden light appearing in the middle of Leo's vision- for a moment, he thought that it might be the entrance to the afterlife; that walking (or, in his case, floating) into the light was how life really ended.
But as his brothers' faces came into view, Leo knew that it was real.
And you know what he said?
"Took you long enough."
A quip. A motherfucking quip as his life was saved.
He said it for his brothers' benefit, knowing that the line would assure them that he was alive, but he still feels shitty for saying it.
Because Leo didn't want to say that; he wanted to cry, to scream, to get to his brothers as quick as he could and chain himself to them and never leave their side again. He wishes he had told them how he felt, because it's too late now.
Now, he's sure that they still think he's a cocky asshole. It's good, he guesses, because that's the image that he tries to uphold- below his whole comedic relief act, of course.
He's sure that, once his family gets over their anxiety around his physical well-being, they'll realize just how shitty Leo is. Just how irresponsible and defensive and scared he is all the time. They'll realize that, and they'll hate who he really is, because even Leo hates Leo and he is Leo.
He wonders if that's what they've been talking about, his brothers- talking about the ways Leo's messed things up in the past, and most likely will in the future.
A couple times, Leo's wished they had left him.
He's thought about what it would be like- not as lively, surely, with the absence of Leo's quips and the heaviness of a death on their shoulders. He can imagine that Casey would be especially affected, having already lost his version of Leo-
"I can't lose you again!"
But, on another hand, they seem to have been getting by well while Leo was out.
If Leo was dead, Donnie would be able to work in peace, without his annoying twin distracting him. Raph would be much less stressed without Leo messing up his plans, or coming up with terrible ones. Splinter would be able to be proud of all of his sons, rather than only 75%.
Mikey... well, Mikey might not benefit from Leo's death absence.
Maybe it's better that Leo didn't stay in the Prison Dimension.
He can't help but imagine it, though. Sure, his body would be broken and mangled beyond repair, but it isn't anything he doesn't deserve.
Leo can feel his eyes begin to burn, but he blinks it away, because he's not crying now.
A moment later, Leo hears footsteps in the hallway and is soon met with the sight of his family all filing through the door, plates in hand. Casey beelines over to Leo and hands him his food, before retaking his spot by Leo's feet. Casey, Leo is learning, is nothing if not consistent.
But Casey is almost pushed off the bed as Mikey takes a seat next to him and begins to chatter about... birds? Leo decides to not ask.
Raph almost sits on the edge of the mattress, before Donnie stops him and points him towards the chairs in the corner of the room, which Raph then retrieves two of. Raph and Splinter both sit around Leo's bed, while Donnie sits against the wall- the softshell prefers it, apparently.
Leo then looks down at the plate in his hand and is hit with a pang of hunger. He's absolutely starving.
He finishes his food within 2 minutes.
Mikey pauses from his infodumping (the subject has moved to marine biology, somehow, and Donnie has been chiming in periodically with facts) to glance at Leo's plate, one 'eyebrow' raised.
Leo glances down at his plate, then back up at Mikey, grinning. "What can I say? Your cooking is just too good."
"Also, you haven't eaten real food in six months." Donnie cuts in, as a smile spreads across Mikey's face at Leo's words.
"Well, I'm sure you'll get better twice as fast after eating my food!" Mikey responds, and Leo laughs, because although the food might not have a physical effect, being around Mikey might be rejuvenating enough to have Leo on his feet by tommorow.
When Leo laughs, Mikey's eyes light up, and Leo is reminded yet again just how much he loves his little brother, with his yellow spots and positive attitude. Mikey really is the best of them.
And, just like that, Leo's throat tightens and he has to hold back tears threatening to form. He manages, though. Just barely.
Mikey quickly continues what he was saying earlier, and Casey listens intently, not really eating his food. Casey's said how he's having trouble adjusting to the food they have- the textures, the flavors, the amount.
Casey, in the technically two days that Leo's known him, has already grown on him. He's much quieter than Leo's brothers, more adept to listening than speaking. That doesn't mean he never has anything to say, it just means he saves his words for when they have meaning.
Leo's found that Casey's an amazing conversationalist when he wants to be, which is clearly the influence of the future's Leo and Mikey, the way he times his words and can pull jokes out of thin air (Leo), while still leaving room for others to speak and always saying the right thing (Mikey).
Leo has even noticed traces of Donnie's influence on Casey, in his widespread knowledge on what seems like a million topics, as well as his more reserved nature.
From what Leo can tell, Casey was never able to meet Raph (the implications of that are more than Leo can bear to think about right now)- but that doesn't mean he isn't anything like him. Casey is so kind and accommodating, in the same way Raph has always been. Casey is made up of all their best traits.
And Leo thinks, how could I have raised a kid like this? Because whenever Leo thinks of the possibility of having kids, he rejects it. He would probably mess them up irreparably if he did. Not to mention, Leo would have to date someone for that to happen- unlikely, despite what Leo's charm may say otherwise.
"Hey, 'Nardo?" Leo turns to Donnie at his spot on the floor.
"Yeah?"
Donnie hesitates for multiple moments, before asking, nearly loud enough to for everyone else to hear, "Are you okay?"
Leo is taken aback by this, but he doesn't let it show on his face as he responds, grin spreading across his face, "Well, half of my bones are broken, I feel like my head's splitting, and I've been in a coma for six months, but yeah no I'm good."
Donnie fixes him with a more serious look and asks, "Are you sure?"
Leo puts on his own mildly-emotional face (developed specifically not to make Donnie uncomfortable) and speaks in a softer voice, "Yeah, Don. I'm fine, I promise."
A pause. Then, Donnie nods and turns back to whatever he was doing on his phone.
And, yet again, Leo doesn't deserve this family. He just lied straight to Donnie's face, after his twin asked a question out of genuine concern.
Leo's a horrible person.
Tears begin to prick at the corners of his eyes, and Leo tries to hold them back, but he looks around the room at all of these amazing people and then looks back down at himself and just feels so ashamed. They care so much about him, for no reason, when he hadn't earned any of it.
He blinks and sniffs, which makes Casey look up at him. Leo smiles at Casey, trying to reassure him before he can notice that Leo's holding back tears.
It doesn't work, because Casey furrows his eyebrows, which makes it worse because no, Casey, please don't get worried. I don't deserve the energy that it takes.
This shift of attention notifies Mikey, who turns to Leo as well and immediately asks, "Leo? What's wrong?"
And, suddenly, every eye in the room is on Leo, any conversation having gone silent.
In any other situation, Leo would take this opportunity to say a line or make a joke.
He tries to say, "Huh? Oh, nothing, just that Donnie's eyebrows are uneven today and it's making me emotional," but he quickly abandons the attempt as a sob claws it's way up his throat.
All at once, Mikey and Raph are both scrambling to hug Leo, while Donnie yells at them to get away from Leo, his bones are still healing and I swear to God if you re-break his ribs-
Leo is aware of the six eyes on him as he wraps his arms around his brothers and sobs into their shoulders, which are pressed against each other. He can barely choke out his breaths as he cries, the shuddering of his chest hurting more than the pressure of his brothers' hugs.
He doesn't let himself speak as he cries, because he knows that all he could say would be I'm sorry, I know you didn't ask for this, I know you didn't ask for me, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
After what feels like forever, but is probably two minutes, Mikey pulls out of the hug all too soon and Raph follows suit. Everyone's eyes are still on him, boring into his head, analyzing every movement. Leo feels watched in a way he never has, sitting in this bed, completely vulnerable.
"Leo..." Raph begins, tears in his eyes (Leo has to stop himself from wiping them out of his brother's eyes and telling him hey, don't cry, I'm okay, we're okay),"what's going on?"
"I-" Leo barely manages to choke out a word, before the heaviness of everyone's gaze stops him. He glances around the room helplessly, searching for something to say.
Splinter seems to understand what he's feeling, as he stands and goes over to Casey, saying, "I think my sons may want to speak alone." Casey nods and follows Splinter through the door.
With two less people in the room, Leo feels like he can breathe. He gasps air into his lungs, tears still streaming down his face.
Donnie stands and moves to take Casey's place at the foot of the bed, glancing between all three of his brothers, clearly unsure of what to do.
Leo meets eyes with Donnie, who hesitates before saying, "Leo, I- we can't help, unless you tell us what's wrong."
Looking between his brothers, all so worried about Leo, all so ready to help, he knows exactly what's wrong.
Leo's voice breaks as he speaks, "I don't deserve you guys."
Simultaneously, all three of the turtles across from Leo's hearts visibly shatter; Mikey starts crying. Raph covers his mouth with a hand in surprise. Donnie just... sits there in shock.
Raph is the first to speak. "How could you think that?"
The words sting in Leo's heart. He knows that they're well-intended, but he can't help but feel like there's an undercurrent of annoyance in them, as though Raph's saying that he's being irrational. He isn't, of course he isn't, but it still hurts.
"I- I just..." Leo shuts his eyes to stave off the coming tears. "God, I've done so much to you guys. I've gotten you hurt so much, and- and- and I've messed up so many things, and you guys never asked to have me in your life, and I'm such a shitty person compared to you all-" He gets cut off by an involuntary sob.
Mikey reaches out like he wants to hug Leo again, but hesitates, unsure if the slider would be okay with it. Leo responds by reaching out and pulling Mikey forward, hugging him as tightly as his broken bones will let him. Mikey clings onto him equally as desperately, the two turtles becoming a crying mess.
Leo does eventually push Mikey away again, who says, between sobs, "Leo- of course- we want you in our lives!"
Raph nods in agreement, and Donnie cautiously follows suit.
"I..." Donnie begins, searching for words. "'Nardo, I hate to say this, but you're wrong."
Mikey gasps and Raph looks at him, bewildered. Leo, meanwhile, tenses up as he prepares for some sort of lecture on irrational emotions.
Donnie glances at him, then continues, "Okay, that came out wrong. What I mean is, you're wrong that we never asked to have you in our lives. Me personally, I would have disposed of you if I didn't want you around."
Mikey and Raph are both vaguely horrified at this. Leo, however, bursts out laughing, which devolves into sobs due to how much it hurts.
"Also," Donnie continues, "you aren't the shittiest person here. If we're being completely objective, I'm the most likely to kill someone." At Mikey and Raph's looks, he adds, "What? It's true. And if we're being subjective, I personally believe that Mikey would probably be both able and willing to incapacitate at least 60 people for a copy of his favorite Lou Jitsu movie."
They all turn to Mikey, who shrugs and says, "Depends."
And suddenly Leo is cracking up again, laughter hissing through his clenched teeth, and the knot in his stomach unfurls just a little. The weight on his shoulders feels lighter.
He soon sobers up, though, and looks back up at Raph. "But- Raph, I always mess up your plans. I ruin missions all the time."
Raph shrugs, "Maybe ya do, but I know that in the end, ya always pull it together and fix it. It's why I trust ya as much as I do."
Leo's 'eyebrows' furrow together, and he next turns to Donnie, "'Tello, I constantly distract you from your work, and I bother you, and I'm just annoying, and-"
Donnie raises an eyebrow, "Scoff, you think I'm so weak as to be bothered by you?" His face softens as he continues, "but- if I'm going to be completely honest- I do enjoy your presence more than not. It can be a nice break in the monotony of my work, as I tend to get a little... carried away, if I'm left alone for too long."
"That's an understatement," Mikey adds, And, look at that, Leo's laughing again.
When he stops laughing, he looks around at his brothers, lump forming in his throat, "See? This is what I mean. You guys are so nice- don't look at me like that Donnie, you may not act like it but it's true- and you guys care so much about me for no reason, and I never- I never earned anything. I'm not strong like Raph, or smart like Donnie, or just plain good like Mikey." He makes eye contact with each of his brothers as he lists them off, then looks down. "I'm nothing."
Donnie brings his arm up and places it on Leo's shoulder, who looks up. "Leo, you literally saved the world. No offense, but I don't think that kind of stuff should matter by now."
Raph looks between the two. "Yeah, Don's right! Who cares whether or not ya have some- some sort of 'thing'?"
"And besides," Mikey chimes in, "you're our brother. You don't have to earn anything. We love you unconditionally because you love us unconditionally. You do, right?"
"Wh- of course I do!" Leo replies.
"Then why would you have to earn anything, when we don't?"
Leo is unable to find a response to that.
Instead, he reaches over and pulls all three of them into a hug. Donnie, for once in his life, reciprocates the embrace.
Mikey speaks first, "I love you guys so much. And, Leo, if you ever forget that, I will have Donnie figure out a way to implant it in your brain."
"Well, that doesn't sound at all threatening." Leo responds, garnering a chuckle from his brothers.
"It might be threatening, but ya deserve it. Don't ever think we don't want ya around, Leo."
"Although you may be a bit obnoxious at times- that elbow was not necessary, Raph- ...I do love you, Leo. You're my brother. Something else sappy. Cue everyone being shocked that Donnie said something emotional."
Leo chuckles, "Okay, okay, I get it. You guys love me because I'm so awesome and cool and- ow, Donnie, I think you forgot my body is broken- and you'll always love me or whatever." Leo pauses, "...I love you guys too, obviously."
And when they break apart, Leo wipes his dried tears off his face, and Mikey decides that they're gonna be having a sleepover tonight. Leo, of course, doesn't mind.
He feels so much lighter now.