Chapter Text
Barcelona and Real players: *fighting*
Xavi, wanting to calm them down: MY WIFE WAS MURDERED BY A MAN IN A YELLOW SWEATER
The players: …
Ancelotti: ...
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Gavi: I think I really would've gotten along with young Harry Kane
Kane: Yes that's why I decided to change everything about my life
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Maguire: Ouch
Maguire: He ran over my foot
Maguire: I am in. Incredible pain.
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Modrić: He put this braid in my hair
Sergio: It's beautiful
Ronaldo: Yeah it's kinda cute-
Modrić: *cuts it off,staring them in the eyes*
Sergio: Please have my children-
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Neymar, at Mbappe: Just know. You have disappointed, *gestures to him, Messi and Suarez* Alllll three of us
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Messi: Wow, your handshake is quite firm
Ronaldo: I took a seminar
Messi: … where?
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Militao: *runs away*
Benzema: Have you seen Mili?
Vinicius: Mili died 8 years ago
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Xavi: Can you estimate the value of what was taken?
Robert, still not getting a ballon d'or: emotionally? Seven hundred million dollars
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Jude: Yeah he does! Erling Haaland is BACK! Chest bump me!
Haaland, back from an injury: You don't want to do this, Jude
Jude: No I really do!
Haaland: It hurts you everytime
Jude: Yeah I know but the adrenaline is kicking in it'll carry me through
Haaland: *chest bumps him*
Jude: *flies into the ground*
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Marcelo: We're doomed! Luka looks like a lesbian!
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Robert: What are you thinking about right now?
Gavi: I was thinking how I would make a pretty good president. Based on my skill set and my amount of bloodlust.
Xavi, wanting to sign him: Fascinating
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Mbappe: My mom cried the day I was born because she knew she would never be better than me-
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Robert: Neymar has brought back all the trophies he took
Neymar: *puts them down on the table*
Pep: Oh goodness..
Robert: and this champions league trophy *puts it on the table*
Kevin: That isn't ours-
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Salah: Nunez scored 14 goals this season! But that's 8 more than last season!
Klopp: … he only scored 6 times last season?
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Klopp, about Nunez: I'm not angry. I think it's funny. HAHAHA -_-.
Pep: …
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Modrić, playing a game: I'm just about to enter sprinkle city. They make the game into these.. worlds to give you some.. false sense of progress
Rodrygo: … so stop playing?
Modrić: … but I'm about to enter sprinkle city
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Koeman: You're being let go
Messi: ….
Pique: … I think you deserve this :)
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Maguire: Look guys, if Rashford wants to kill me that is his choice 👍
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Ramos: Pique, good to see you
Pique: *smirking*
Ramos: but if you're here.. who's guarding hades?
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Modrić: If I run and jump at Dejan he will most certainly catch me in his arms *runs*
Lovren: No I'm HOLDING COFFEE- *Catches him*
Salah: :0.. my coffee
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Suarez: Pique. I wondered why all the birds stopped singing.
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Mbappe, about Haaland: Maybe he fell into another dimension where he's interesting
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Modrić: Marcelo why don't you show Rodrygo what a fax machine is
Marcelo: … Imagine a letter had unprotected sex with a phone-
Modrić: NO-
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Rashford: *speaking quick* Hello. No there's no Harry here. You have the wrong number. Bye. *Hangs up*
Maguire: I'm Harry..
Rashford: That's a dumb name. But it's yours and you should be proud of it because you're the greatest footballer I've ever known
Maguire: Is he okay-
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Salah: Luka Luka Lukaaaaa… I can't think of your last name-
Modrić: :/
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Haaland: I was lightly stabbed
Kevin: I'm sorry- You were STABBED?
Haaland: LIGHTLY stabbed. I didn't want to worry you.
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Neymar: I would like to hear more about our guests. Livaković, tell us about your family.
Livaković, human embodiment of flustered: … I have one
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Lovren: The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood is supposed to be.
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Modrić: Toni where have you been? You left your phone in the dressing room! I thought you were dead!
Kroos: I would clearly be buried with my phone
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Koeman: Messi, hello. What do you think of my new office? 20th floor.
Messi: Yes. I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom stick under you.
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Haaland: a rule, Let's not have sex right away
Mbappe: … cool.. cool.. cool cool cool, awesome-
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Pique: If it isn't Luka and Ramos
Ramos: Luka, is that a talking trash can?
Modrić: *holding back laughter*
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Dybala: Aren't you forgetting something?
Ronaldo: …. Uh …
Ronaldo: *kisses Dybala on the cheek and runs*
Dybala: No- Pay your bill-!
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Haaland: Our last fight was when Kylian didn't know who Šuker was
Neymar: Really?... The Croatian football player legend?
Mbappe: *shrugs*
Neymar: … *looks at Haaland* This is who you wanna be with?
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Ramos, when he met Modrić: I've only had Luka for a day and a half. But if anything were to happen to him I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.
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De Paul: Bonjour captain! Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?
Messi: No I don't want to sleep with you
De Paul: Is that what that means? Man I had a very gross coach-
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Modrić: I played at Tottenham Hotspur. So not only have I been through hell; I LEFT it.
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Messi: Oh. Neymar. You're crying.. *pats his head* Pat pat- I don't know what I'm doing
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Gavi: Okay but in my defense Pedri dared me I couldn't drink all that shampoo
Robert: That's not what I wanted to- You DRANK SHAMPOO???
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Mbappe: Neymar someone lost your football
Neymar: WHAT? That ball is my best friend and I will-
Mbappe: It was Messi
Neymar: Oh that's fine! :D
Messi: *sighs*
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Dejan: Motorcycles are death machines and I have kids, I'm not risking it
Modrić: Are you saying my life matters less because I don't conform to society's heteronormative child-centric ideas?
Dejan: Are you REALLY playing the gay card right now?
Modrić: Yas queen *snaps his fingers*
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Rakitić: Why would Pique fake his own death?
Suarez: The same reason he visits mexico once a year and sucks the blood from all the goats
Suarez: For kicks
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Pique, drunk af: Let's make out
Rakitić, fucking with him: Not yet
Pique: :000
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Neymar: Heads or tails??
Van Dijk: *grabs the coin* neither
Neymar: … oh my god did you just fold my coin in half-
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Gavi: *does a push up, screaming*
Everyone: *claps*
Lewandowski: Can you do it without screaming?
Gavi: Pro-bab-ly
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Ronaldo, to Haaland: The only thing that's a little much here are your drawn of eyebrows
Ronaldo: yesh
Haaland: :(
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