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When Carlos was eight, he spent three weeks working on a puzzle. Well, technically, he spent four, but he chooses not to count the week he gave up.
He spent every free night working to put the pieces together, staring at the puzzle box for reference. When completed, it was supposed to be an image a red Ferrari against a black background. His eyes gravitated to the bright red pieces first, and slowly it all started to come together. Except one of the headlights; he couldn’t find that piece.
He searched his room up and down; swiping every surface, checking every nook and cranny he could. He checked Sofia’s room, wondering if it found it’s way in there. What his sixteen year old sister would want with a lone puzzle piece, he had no clue.
His mom thinks Roscoe might have eaten it; found it on the ground and did what all dogs do. What a 70 pound German Shepherd would want with a lone puzzle piece; he had a semblance of a clue. After they took Roscoe to the vet, and he was given the all clear; Carlos was back to square one.
His dad ended up buying him another puzzle; this one being sea life. He loved the colors; the blues, the greens, and the not reds. He never did end up finishing the sports car puzzle, no matter how hard he tried.
It was left incomplete.
He didn’t know what the feeling was; but he knew he didn’t really like it.
—
When Carlos was 13, he was put in charge of a group project for his eighth grade social studies class. His classmates will say that was a self-designated position, but if you ask Carlos, it was all but bestowed on him.
Between little league, jazz band, and student council; his group members didn’t have much time to dedicate to the project, not like Carlos did. His classmates will say that’s not true, but if you ask Carlos, he’ll tell you he never lies.
He did what he does best, and took control of the situation. Later, he’ll find out that what he does best has a name: control freak.
He was the one who was in the library after school, doing the research. He was the one who had his mom drive him to get glue and construction paper. He was the one who typed up the report. He couldn’t have been happier about getting his glasses the year before.
When they presented his their project, the teacher said his their hard work would be rewarded.
They He got a 99.
Just one point from a perfect score; just one.
That feeling Carlos had once felt slowly started to creep up again; he found that he still really didn’t like it.
—
When Carlos was 18, he married his best friend.
He and Iris bought 25 cent plastic rings from the vending machine outside the local milkshake shop and signed the papers with a red glitter gel pen. It was the only one Iris could find in her purse at the time.
They celebrated with a shared chocolate milkshake and vows that asked each other the same question, “What the hell did we just get ourselves into?”
When he told his parents, they gave him a look that him asked the same question, “What the hell did you two just get yourselves into?”
As the marriage continued on; Carlos couldn’t help but feel that feeling he thought he had suppressed had never really went away, just laid dormant.
This time he was sure; he didn’t like it at all.
—
When Carlos was 26, he met TK Strand. His world was rocked, in the best possible way.
He didn’t think he’d ever feel that feeling again.
—
When Carlos was 27, he and TK broke up.
He doesn’t know what he did wrong, and with TK laying in a hospital bed; he doesn’t know if he ever will.
He felt that feeling again; and he hated it.
—
Carlos is 28 and TK Strand has just asked him to marry him. Asked him to spend the rest of forever with him.
Carlos hesitates, acknowledging that they’ve both had a pretty traumatic week. TK cuts him off. Tells him, it’s not trauma, it’s love. TK tells him that for the first time in his life, the love that he feels is infinitely more powerful than the fear of losing it.
TK smiles and Carlos studies him. Carlos has never seen TK look so sure of anything in the entire time he’s met him.
Carlos smiles, and says yes.
He grabs Tyler, kisses him and embraces him. Hugging him as if they’re two puzzle pieces that fit together.
He doesn’t know what that feeling was; but he knows he’s never going to feel it again.