Chapter Text
Raphael had always liked teddy bears and other stuffed animals. It was no surprise to him or his family. But even he could tell he was getting a bit out of hand. Before they were nearly only cuddle buddies to fall asleep next to or bring to the occasional movie. But now, as he looks around the small circle he’s made with a few of them, he’s starting to wonder. The Feeling crept up, causing his head to start floating.
It never made sense, The Feeling. Raph could never pinpoint what it was. He wasn’t as smart as Donatello. Or had his smart computers to help look up what he was feeling. He knows when it started. After the Krang fight. After healing from his wounds. When the city was being rebuilt and yet he felt like he was still crumpled stone. When he’d wake up in the middle of the night thinking he was going to kill his brothers.
The Feeling started then. He starved it off for as long as possible. He was the oldest! He couldn’t be like this. Because The Feeling could only be described in his mind as something small and childish. It was too embarrassing to ask about, even if he wanted to bring it up. Which leads him to what he is doing now.
…Having a tea party with his stuffies.
“You can’t drink tea like that, Muffin.” He says, raising his bear into the air. Pretending to extend a pinky it doesn’t have. “Like this. This is how you have tea in a fancy human style.” He giggles. Raphael doesn’t have a tea set, but a pretend one is just as good. He goes about pouring everyone some fake tea with a fake tea pot. Then he pours his own. He picks it up and sips at it.
“It’s the perfect blend. Splinter taught me.” Which had never happened, but his stuffies don’t need to know that. Raphael sets his cup down as he grabs Mr Bunny Tots, who isn’t at all covered in rainbows like a certain evil monster that shall not be named. “Oh, this is perfect.” He makes Mr Bunny Tots say, bouncing him up and down on his lap. “I love this blend of tea.” He smiles, raising the stuffy into the air.
He was about to say something else when a knock on the side of his wall causes him to freeze. His hands still around Mr Bunny Tots, head slowly turning towards the curtain that separates his room from the rest of the den. A figure stands on the other side, its shadow casting over the red fake door. “Raphael? Are you in there? You’ve been missing for the whole morning dude.” It was Leo.
Suddenly whatever The Feeling is rushes out like he’s been burned, leaving him whiplashed. Raphael looks over the mess his floor is in and starts to panic. He can’t let Leo see this! He’ll ask questions and Raphael was never good and lying. “I’m not here!” He shouts, only to pause a second later. “I mean—I’m here! Totally here and not anywhere else, because this is my voice, in my room. Yes.”
Raphael stands, whispering a silent apology as he starts tossing them back into their proper places in his room. Some get kicked underneath his bed, others get thrown onto the covers of his bed. He hears Leonardo snort from the other side of the curtain. A beam of light crashes into his room, signalling that his younger brother was coming in. He doubles his efforts in hiding his shame. “Did I wake you up? You're really out of it.”
With one final kick to Muffin the bear, sending him flying underneath his bed, Raphael turns just in time for the curtain to be fully pulled. Revealing the slider on the other side. Leonardo leans against the side of the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. Looking very amused. “I uh, slept in.” He clears his throat. His legs felt weak at the knees and he distantly wondered if he needed to sit down or not. “Did you need something little brother?”
Leonardo hums, stretching his arms above his head. “Not really. Like I said, I didn't see you all morning. Mikey’s going crazy over this new mural he’s working on in one of the train tunnels. What’s to show you.” A pause. Leo’s eyes drift from his then downwards. His head tilts, eyes narrowing. “Is that Mr Bunny Tots?” Raphael looks down, eyes widening as he spits the stuffed bunny in his hands.
He was still holding onto him. “Oh…” His brain starts to whirl for an excuse. A reason. But his mind suddenly turns to mush, not so different then how it felt when he was being controlled by the Krang. His heart starts to beat a little faster at the thought, hands tightening around the animal plush. He had to look over his arm to confirm that he wasn’t covered in alien parts.
“I thought you slept with one of your bears. Oh well.” Leo shrugs, cutting off his thoughts. Raphael blinks, head snapping up in time to see the other turtle pushing himself off the doorway. Completely seeming to not catch onto his panic. “Don’t miss lunch, I can practically hear Donnie yelling about the importance of three meals a day.” Leo says, shooting finger guns at him. Then he leaves, shutting the curtain behind himself.
He’s left alone, the light from outside being covered up. He takes a deep, stuttering breath in before turning to look over his room. It was a mess. “Let’s get you guys cleaned up…” He whispers as he goes about setting his room into some kind of order.
Raphael was very attuned to what he liked. Skateboarding, pizza, Jupiter Jim, movies and crime fighting. All things that he could enjoy with the company of at least one of his brothers. But as the week crawls on by and he starts to shove down The Feeling once more after almost having been caught, well, he found himself liking other things. Things that not even he could get behind. Or explain it as a growing interest in cute and soft things.
He had never been into chewing, or sucking on things to soothe himself. But recently he’s been waking up with his thumb in his mouth and drool on his pillow. The first time was very embarrassing and confusing. He hadn’t sucked his thumb since he was a baby. The second time it was just embarrassing. He was fifteen! There should be no reason to be sucking his thumb in his sleep.
It scared him. Not because he didn’t know what was going on. He’s gotten used to thinking on the fly. He’s scared because he found himself liking it. It made The Feeling in his head thicker, warmer. Like it could overtake him any second and leave him with no more negative and troublesome feelings. Raphael only indulged in it before bed, when he knew almost everyone in the den was asleep.
His mind would become clouded, but not in the creepy and traumatised Krang way. More in the nothing could go wrong and I feel really safe right now kind of way. He still pushed it down most nights and definitely when he’s outside of his bedroom. The second thing he found himself liking was colouring. Which had never really interested him before. When he had the time to check out Michelangelo’s work in progress mural, he suddenly had the urge to draw. Like every other new thing, he pushed it down.
Until he couldn’t anymore.
Raphael stilled his breathing as he tiptoed over towards Mikey’s room. The brightly coloured orange curtain served as a beacon for him. The others were skateboarding. And while he would love to level their egos and show off some amazing new moves he’s been working on, he just couldn’t. The urge to get his hands on something colourful was too strong to ignore. Mikey won’t miss a few coloured pencils and some paper, right?
He gets to the room in record time. “I’ll give them right back.” He promises, pulling back the curtains. “Just after a few hours.” Michelangelo’s room was messy, posters and drawings tapped to the walls. Almost everything in his room was either diy or customised in some way. Down to the paint stained carpet that stood out in the room. Oranges, pinks and purple splotches on the circular thing.
Looking over the chaos it was easy to find what he was looking for. Pushed to the furthest wall was Mikey's work desk. Sketches and art supplies being the only thing organised in the younger teens room. He quickly makes his way over, dodging anything left on the floor. Once at the desk he looks over its contents. Markers, crayons, paint pens…
“Ha, found ya!“ He cheers, grabbing the pack of coloured pencils. Just to be safe he also takes a small sharpener. “Now for the last part of my amazing plan.” He says to himself, looking around the desk. Where did Mikey keep his plane paper? It had to be here somewhere.
“Raph?” The sudden voice causes him to yelp, hands dropping everything onto the ground as he raises his fists. Looking up he was met with the confused gaze of his youngest brother. And not the evil gaze of a criminal ready to throw him into the wall. He lowers his fists. Mikey stands at the entrance of the doorway, one hand carrying his skateboard. Silence stretches between them as they just stare at each other.
After maybe a little too long, Raphael clears his throat. “Hey there Mikey.” He greets, trying to think of an excuse as to why he was here. “I thought you were skateboarding with the others.”
“I needed something from my room.” He replies simply, walking deeper into the room. He sets his board on the wall before sharply turning. Raph represses a flinch. “I thought you were ‘too busy’ to come hang out.” Michelangelo says, raising his fingers to do air quotes. “Why are you in my room?” It wasn’t said with anger, but genuine interest. Which calms a scared part of him.
Raphael takes a deep breath. “Well you see—“
“Wait, are those my coloured pencils?” Mikey cuts him off, walking forward to pick them off the floor. Raphael moves back, trying to inch his way towards the door. With his little brother distracted he tried to make a break for the exit. He wasn’t fast enough. A hand on his shoulder stilling him. He slowly turns to face the box turtle. Mikey didn’t look mad. But a childish part of him looked past the obvious.
He was going to be in trouble, wasn’t he? For sneaking into the other room and trying to take something. It wasn’t really hero-like of him. “You know all you had to do was ask instead of sneaking into my room!” What…
“What?” He blurts, watching as Mikey turns and grabs a small stack of papers from underneath his desk. So that’s where they were.
“You wanted to draw, right?” Michelangelo says, shoving the supplies into his arms. The younger was clearly in a rush. Raphael stumbles back a little bit, trying his hardest not to drop anything again. “All you had to do was ask, big bro.” Mikey states, grabbing something off his bed before he moves around him to grab his skateboard. “Just don’t break anything!” The younger calls as he rushes back out the room. Raph blinks at the now empty room.
“…Thank you.” He whispers, looking down at the art supplies. The Feeling claws at his mind. And like the times before, he ignores it and shoves it down. This wasn’t about that. It was just a new hobby. Definitely.
“Raphael!” Leo screams, his nails digging into his arms. His voice choked up, his mouth gaping for oxygen that would not be aloud. Raphael was forced to watch as his hands tightened around his brother's throat. He fought, cried and screamed. But no matter how much he couldn’t regain control over his limbs.
They moved on their own. His mind locked away behind bars created to force him to serve a master that didn’t deserve this fake sense of loyalty. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
“Stop playing with your food, turtle.” The Krang laughed, waving a metal hand in the air. “Finish him.” The screams of his brothers roared through his ears, a deafening crunch ringing through the deafening loud air. Liquid. There was liquid sliding down his hands. Where was the pain? The scratching of nails against his raw skin?
Raphael looked up at Leo. Who laid still in his grasp. Leo, he wanted to say. Now isn’t the time for sleeping. Pick up your swords, fight me, stop me. Save the world. Laughter came out of his throat instead. Bathing the large space in cruelty. It’s then that he realises that his younger brother wasn’t breathing. Why wasn’t he breathing?
He looks to Mikey and Donnie, questions lurking behind the wall in his mind. They just know. Only when he looked over they weren’t moving anymore either. The screaming had stopped. Their weapons lay untouched on the ground. “Now, time for the rest of the world.” Krang laughed, starting up the ship. “Toss the garbage.”
Raphael was a prisoner to his own body as he was forced to watch himself toss the bodies of his siblings out the side of the ship. He watched as they fell and crashed into the destroyed city below. “No…” He sucked in air, able to hear his voice for the first time. “No, no no no—“
“Oh, Raphael.” A hand landed on his shoulder. He knew who it was. “They're dead. Thank you for your service.” With a hard push, he was falling. Screaming. Reaching for someone that wasn’t there. He watched as he came closer and closer to the bodies of his brothers. Who he had killed. He killed them. Murdered them.
“No!” He screamed, covering his eyes. “I’m sorry! I didn’t want to! Leo! Mikey! Donnie!” No one answered him. “Please!”
…
“No!” Pain shot up from his front, causing him to choke on his own spit. Raphael snapped his eyes open, hands clawing at the ground. His chest squeezed until there was hardly any air left in his lungs. His heart pounded drum beats into his ears. He looked around wildly, expecting bodies. Mr Bunny Tots was the only thing staring back at him. He coughs, tears running down his face.
He looks up, his blankets having fallen off the bed along with him. He wasn’t there anymore. Trapped. “I’m in my room.” He breathes, looking around. “I’m home.” The smell of breakfast was the only evidence he had that his brothers were still alive. And still, he couldn’t force himself to get off the floor until late afternoon.
***
“I think there’s something wrong with Raph.” Was the first thing Leonardo says when he barges into Donnie’s lab. Mikey was sitting beside Donnie, both of them looking up from whatever their purple clad brother was working on. Both of his brothers narrow their eyes on him.
“What did you do?” Donnie questions.
“I think so too.” Mikey says at the same time as his twin.
Leonardo looks between the two, the door to the lab closing behind him with an echoing click. “First of all, how come you think it was my fault?” He points to Donnie, frowning. “I’ve never done anything—“
“Stepped on one of his plushies.” The other starts, reading a finger for every point. “Called him a cry baby, which made him cry harder after he’d stubbed his toe.” Another finger goes up. “Ignore him when he says it’s time to train.” Another finger. Leonardo faults in his pointing, hand slowly moving downwards. “You ate his last slice of pizza a week ago—“
“Okay I get it!” He cuts the other off, stalking into the room. “But this time it wasn’t my fault.” He adds, looking over towards Mikey. “And I’m guessing you’ve noticed too.”
Michelangelo turns away from Donatello, nodding hesitantly. “He’s been… off. These past few days.” He says, shrugging. “Spacy.” He explains. “Like he’s in his own world.”
“That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with him.” Donnie cuts in, twirling a screwdriver in his left hand. “It’s Raph. There’s probably just something on his mind. Plus it’s not out of the ordinary, especially after…” He drifts off, looking down at his hand. The word Krang goes unsaid. Yet the effect is still there, the room silencing. A sick twisted feeling worms its way through Leonardo’s stomach.
He starts pacing, hands twitching to grab a pair of swords he’s left in his room. After the world almost fell into an apocalypse it’s been hard to find a sense of normal. Even after all the injuries were dealt with some things never went back to normal. The team as a whole refused to acknowledge it. How Mikey’s hands shook when he tried to hold them still. Effects from opening a portal, it seemed.
How Donnie refused to speak for two weeks straight. The sight of something gooey and or slimy sent him running into his room. Where’d he lock himself up for hours on end until one of them forced their way in. How Dad, Splinter, had refused to not have at least one of them in his sights for a whole month. He had remembered their names. It was wired. Welcomed, but weird.
He himself? Well, he trained. When everyone else went to bed he trained alone in his room. Practising nonstop with his portals until his head would start spinning. He overcompensated. He’ll never not be prepared again. If he saw Mikey shivering the den would turn into a furnace. If Donnie was out of materials for his projects he’d be the one to race out of the sewers to get them. If Raph had nightmares and accidentally woke him up in the middle of the night, Leo blamed it on his own insomnia.
April and Casey Jr were whole other cases. Leonardo sighs, keeping up his pacing. “I think—know, that somethings up with him.” He stresses. “This isn’t Raph’s normal spacing out he gets when he’s thinking about a new team building exercise.” Thinking about it now, they haven’t done a team building exercise since the Krang.
Mikey nods along, turning towards the other. “He came into my room the other day without asking. Which isn’t like him. That’s more your twos style.” Ignoring the jab, he looks to Donnie. He makes the see, I’m not crazy face, gesturing to the younger teen. Who, unlike Donnie, believes him. “He had a bunch of my art supplies and was looking around for what I’m assuming was paper. I accidentally scared him. But instead of just laughing it off he acted like he was caught doing something bad.”
Donnie sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “That’s… Okay I can’t say that’s normal Rachael behaviour. But still that doesn’t mean something is wrong.” Leonardo stopped in his pacing, staring directly at his twin. Donatello stared back. A silent war going between them. He believed something was up. His brother didn’t. He needed to show the other was obviously wrong.
After what felt like hours, the other finally breaks. “Fine!” He throws his arms up, exhaling loudly. “We’ll check this hunch out. But when it comes up to nothing, I’m going to say I told you so.”
Mikey claps, jumping up from his seat. “So,” He starts, looking between them. “Where do we begin?”
Leo smiles, setting his hands on his hips. “With some info gathering.” Michelangelo grins wildly as Donnie turns, starting to click away at his computer. Leonardo lets his shoulders relax, feeling a bit better about the situation. A part of him hopes Donnie was right. That this was all in his head. Another more anxious part of him cheers at the fact they’ll finally start looking into what’s wrong with their big brother.