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Chapter Text

Raphael had always liked teddy bears and other stuffed animals. It was no surprise to him or his family. But even he could tell he was getting a bit out of hand. Before they were nearly only cuddle buddies to fall asleep next to or bring to the occasional movie. But now, as he looks around the small circle he’s made with a few of them, he’s starting to wonder. The Feeling crept up, causing his head to start floating.

It never made sense, The Feeling. Raph could never pinpoint what it was. He wasn’t as smart as Donatello. Or had his smart computers to help look up what he was feeling. He knows when it started. After the Krang fight. After healing from his wounds. When the city was being rebuilt and yet he felt like he was still crumpled stone. When he’d wake up in the middle of the night thinking he was going to kill his brothers.

The Feeling started then. He starved it off for as long as possible. He was the oldest! He couldn’t be like this. Because The Feeling could only be described in his mind as something small and childish. It was too embarrassing to ask about, even if he wanted to bring it up. Which leads him to what he is doing now.

…Having a tea party with his stuffies.

“You can’t drink tea like that, Muffin.” He says, raising his bear into the air. Pretending to extend a pinky it doesn’t have. “Like this. This is how you have tea in a fancy human style.” He giggles. Raphael doesn’t have a tea set, but a pretend one is just as good. He goes about pouring everyone some fake tea with a fake tea pot. Then he pours his own. He picks it up and sips at it.

“It’s the perfect blend. Splinter taught me.” Which had never happened, but his stuffies don’t need to know that. Raphael sets his cup down as he grabs Mr Bunny Tots, who isn’t at all covered in rainbows like a certain evil monster that shall not be named. “Oh, this is perfect.” He makes Mr Bunny Tots say, bouncing him up and down on his lap. “I love this blend of tea.” He smiles, raising the stuffy into the air.

He was about to say something else when a knock on the side of his wall causes him to freeze. His hands still around Mr Bunny Tots, head slowly turning towards the curtain that separates his room from the rest of the den. A figure stands on the other side, its shadow casting over the red fake door. “Raphael? Are you in there? You’ve been missing for the whole morning dude.” It was Leo.

Suddenly whatever The Feeling is rushes out like he’s been burned, leaving him whiplashed. Raphael looks over the mess his floor is in and starts to panic. He can’t let Leo see this! He’ll ask questions and Raphael was never good and lying. “I’m not here!” He shouts, only to pause a second later. “I mean—I’m here! Totally here and not anywhere else, because this is my voice, in my room. Yes.”

Raphael stands, whispering a silent apology as he starts tossing them back into their proper places in his room. Some get kicked underneath his bed, others get thrown onto the covers of his bed. He hears Leonardo snort from the other side of the curtain. A beam of light crashes into his room, signalling that his younger brother was coming in. He doubles his efforts in hiding his shame. “Did I wake you up? You're really out of it.”

With one final kick to Muffin the bear, sending him flying underneath his bed, Raphael turns just in time for the curtain to be fully pulled. Revealing the slider on the other side. Leonardo leans against the side of the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. Looking very amused. “I uh, slept in.” He clears his throat. His legs felt weak at the knees and he distantly wondered if he needed to sit down or not. “Did you need something little brother?”

Leonardo hums, stretching his arms above his head. “Not really. Like I said, I didn't see you all morning. Mikey’s going crazy over this new mural he’s working on in one of the train tunnels. What’s to show you.” A pause. Leo’s eyes drift from his then downwards. His head tilts, eyes narrowing. “Is that Mr Bunny Tots?” Raphael looks down, eyes widening as he spits the stuffed bunny in his hands.

He was still holding onto him. “Oh…” His brain starts to whirl for an excuse. A reason. But his mind suddenly turns to mush, not so different then how it felt when he was being controlled by the Krang. His heart starts to beat a little faster at the thought, hands tightening around the animal plush. He had to look over his arm to confirm that he wasn’t covered in alien parts.

“I thought you slept with one of your bears. Oh well.” Leo shrugs, cutting off his thoughts. Raphael blinks, head snapping up in time to see the other turtle pushing himself off the doorway. Completely seeming to not catch onto his panic. “Don’t miss lunch, I can practically hear Donnie yelling about the importance of three meals a day.” Leo says, shooting finger guns at him. Then he leaves, shutting the curtain behind himself.

He’s left alone, the light from outside being covered up. He takes a deep, stuttering breath in before turning to look over his room. It was a mess. “Let’s get you guys cleaned up…” He whispers as he goes about setting his room into some kind of order.

Raphael was very attuned to what he liked. Skateboarding, pizza, Jupiter Jim, movies and crime fighting. All things that he could enjoy with the company of at least one of his brothers. But as the week crawls on by and he starts to shove down The Feeling once more after almost having been caught, well, he found himself liking other things. Things that not even he could get behind. Or explain it as a growing interest in cute and soft things.

He had never been into chewing, or sucking on things to soothe himself. But recently he’s been waking up with his thumb in his mouth and drool on his pillow. The first time was very embarrassing and confusing. He hadn’t sucked his thumb since he was a baby. The second time it was just embarrassing. He was fifteen! There should be no reason to be sucking his thumb in his sleep.

It scared him. Not because he didn’t know what was going on. He’s gotten used to thinking on the fly. He’s scared because he found himself liking it. It made The Feeling in his head thicker, warmer. Like it could overtake him any second and leave him with no more negative and troublesome feelings. Raphael only indulged in it before bed, when he knew almost everyone in the den was asleep.

His mind would become clouded, but not in the creepy and traumatised Krang way. More in the nothing could go wrong and I feel really safe right now kind of way. He still pushed it down most nights and definitely when he’s outside of his bedroom. The second thing he found himself liking was colouring. Which had never really interested him before. When he had the time to check out Michelangelo’s work in progress mural, he suddenly had the urge to draw. Like every other new thing, he pushed it down.

Until he couldn’t anymore.

Raphael stilled his breathing as he tiptoed over towards Mikey’s room. The brightly coloured orange curtain served as a beacon for him. The others were skateboarding. And while he would love to level their egos and show off some amazing new moves he’s been working on, he just couldn’t. The urge to get his hands on something colourful was too strong to ignore. Mikey won’t miss a few coloured pencils and some paper, right?

He gets to the room in record time. “I’ll give them right back.” He promises, pulling back the curtains. “Just after a few hours.” Michelangelo’s room was messy, posters and drawings tapped to the walls. Almost everything in his room was either diy or customised in some way. Down to the paint stained carpet that stood out in the room. Oranges, pinks and purple splotches on the circular thing.

Looking over the chaos it was easy to find what he was looking for. Pushed to the furthest wall was Mikey's work desk. Sketches and art supplies being the only thing organised in the younger teens room. He quickly makes his way over, dodging anything left on the floor. Once at the desk he looks over its contents. Markers, crayons, paint pens…

“Ha, found ya!“ He cheers, grabbing the pack of coloured pencils. Just to be safe he also takes a small sharpener. “Now for the last part of my amazing plan.” He says to himself, looking around the desk. Where did Mikey keep his plane paper? It had to be here somewhere.

“Raph?” The sudden voice causes him to yelp, hands dropping everything onto the ground as he raises his fists. Looking up he was met with the confused gaze of his youngest brother. And not the evil gaze of a criminal ready to throw him into the wall. He lowers his fists. Mikey stands at the entrance of the doorway, one hand carrying his skateboard. Silence stretches between them as they just stare at each other.

After maybe a little too long, Raphael clears his throat. “Hey there Mikey.” He greets, trying to think of an excuse as to why he was here. “I thought you were skateboarding with the others.”

“I needed something from my room.” He replies simply, walking deeper into the room. He sets his board on the wall before sharply turning. Raph represses a flinch. “I thought you were ‘too busy’ to come hang out.” Michelangelo says, raising his fingers to do air quotes. “Why are you in my room?” It wasn’t said with anger, but genuine interest. Which calms a scared part of him.

Raphael takes a deep breath. “Well you see—“

“Wait, are those my coloured pencils?” Mikey cuts him off, walking forward to pick them off the floor. Raphael moves back, trying to inch his way towards the door. With his little brother distracted he tried to make a break for the exit. He wasn’t fast enough. A hand on his shoulder stilling him. He slowly turns to face the box turtle. Mikey didn’t look mad. But a childish part of him looked past the obvious.

He was going to be in trouble, wasn’t he? For sneaking into the other room and trying to take something. It wasn’t really hero-like of him. “You know all you had to do was ask instead of sneaking into my room!” What…

“What?” He blurts, watching as Mikey turns and grabs a small stack of papers from underneath his desk. So that’s where they were.

“You wanted to draw, right?” Michelangelo says, shoving the supplies into his arms. The younger was clearly in a rush. Raphael stumbles back a little bit, trying his hardest not to drop anything again. “All you had to do was ask, big bro.” Mikey states, grabbing something off his bed before he moves around him to grab his skateboard. “Just don’t break anything!” The younger calls as he rushes back out the room. Raph blinks at the now empty room.

“…Thank you.” He whispers, looking down at the art supplies. The Feeling claws at his mind. And like the times before, he ignores it and shoves it down. This wasn’t about that. It was just a new hobby. Definitely.

“Raphael!” Leo screams, his nails digging into his arms. His voice choked up, his mouth gaping for oxygen that would not be aloud. Raphael was forced to watch as his hands tightened around his brother's throat. He fought, cried and screamed. But no matter how much he couldn’t regain control over his limbs.

They moved on their own. His mind locked away behind bars created to force him to serve a master that didn’t deserve this fake sense of loyalty. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

“Stop playing with your food, turtle.” The Krang laughed, waving a metal hand in the air. “Finish him.” The screams of his brothers roared through his ears, a deafening crunch ringing through the deafening loud air. Liquid. There was liquid sliding down his hands. Where was the pain? The scratching of nails against his raw skin?

Raphael looked up at Leo. Who laid still in his grasp. Leo, he wanted to say. Now isn’t the time for sleeping. Pick up your swords, fight me, stop me. Save the world. Laughter came out of his throat instead. Bathing the large space in cruelty. It’s then that he realises that his younger brother wasn’t breathing. Why wasn’t he breathing?

He looks to Mikey and Donnie, questions lurking behind the wall in his mind. They just know. Only when he looked over they weren’t moving anymore either. The screaming had stopped. Their weapons lay untouched on the ground. “Now, time for the rest of the world.” Krang laughed, starting up the ship. “Toss the garbage.”

Raphael was a prisoner to his own body as he was forced to watch himself toss the bodies of his siblings out the side of the ship. He watched as they fell and crashed into the destroyed city below. “No…” He sucked in air, able to hear his voice for the first time. “No, no no no—“

“Oh, Raphael.” A hand landed on his shoulder. He knew who it was. “They're dead. Thank you for your service.” With a hard push, he was falling. Screaming. Reaching for someone that wasn’t there. He watched as he came closer and closer to the bodies of his brothers. Who he had killed. He killed them. Murdered them.

“No!” He screamed, covering his eyes. “I’m sorry! I didn’t want to! Leo! Mikey! Donnie!” No one answered him. “Please!”

…

“No!” Pain shot up from his front, causing him to choke on his own spit. Raphael snapped his eyes open, hands clawing at the ground. His chest squeezed until there was hardly any air left in his lungs. His heart pounded drum beats into his ears. He looked around wildly, expecting bodies. Mr Bunny Tots was the only thing staring back at him. He coughs, tears running down his face.

He looks up, his blankets having fallen off the bed along with him. He wasn’t there anymore. Trapped. “I’m in my room.” He breathes, looking around. “I’m home.” The smell of breakfast was the only evidence he had that his brothers were still alive. And still, he couldn’t force himself to get off the floor until late afternoon.

***

“I think there’s something wrong with Raph.” Was the first thing Leonardo says when he barges into Donnie’s lab. Mikey was sitting beside Donnie, both of them looking up from whatever their purple clad brother was working on. Both of his brothers narrow their eyes on him.

“What did you do?” Donnie questions.

“I think so too.” Mikey says at the same time as his twin.

Leonardo looks between the two, the door to the lab closing behind him with an echoing click. “First of all, how come you think it was my fault?” He points to Donnie, frowning. “I’ve never done anything—“

“Stepped on one of his plushies.” The other starts, reading a finger for every point. “Called him a cry baby, which made him cry harder after he’d stubbed his toe.” Another finger goes up. “Ignore him when he says it’s time to train.” Another finger. Leonardo faults in his pointing, hand slowly moving downwards. “You ate his last slice of pizza a week ago—“

“Okay I get it!” He cuts the other off, stalking into the room. “But this time it wasn’t my fault.” He adds, looking over towards Mikey. “And I’m guessing you’ve noticed too.”

Michelangelo turns away from Donatello, nodding hesitantly. “He’s been… off. These past few days.” He says, shrugging. “Spacy.” He explains. “Like he’s in his own world.”

“That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with him.” Donnie cuts in, twirling a screwdriver in his left hand. “It’s Raph. There’s probably just something on his mind. Plus it’s not out of the ordinary, especially after…” He drifts off, looking down at his hand. The word Krang goes unsaid. Yet the effect is still there, the room silencing. A sick twisted feeling worms its way through Leonardo’s stomach.

He starts pacing, hands twitching to grab a pair of swords he’s left in his room. After the world almost fell into an apocalypse it’s been hard to find a sense of normal. Even after all the injuries were dealt with some things never went back to normal. The team as a whole refused to acknowledge it. How Mikey’s hands shook when he tried to hold them still. Effects from opening a portal, it seemed.

How Donnie refused to speak for two weeks straight. The sight of something gooey and or slimy sent him running into his room. Where’d he lock himself up for hours on end until one of them forced their way in. How Dad, Splinter, had refused to not have at least one of them in his sights for a whole month. He had remembered their names. It was wired. Welcomed, but weird.

He himself? Well, he trained. When everyone else went to bed he trained alone in his room. Practising nonstop with his portals until his head would start spinning. He overcompensated. He’ll never not be prepared again. If he saw Mikey shivering the den would turn into a furnace. If Donnie was out of materials for his projects he’d be the one to race out of the sewers to get them. If Raph had nightmares and accidentally woke him up in the middle of the night, Leo blamed it on his own insomnia.

April and Casey Jr were whole other cases. Leonardo sighs, keeping up his pacing. “I think—know, that somethings up with him.” He stresses. “This isn’t Raph’s normal spacing out he gets when he’s thinking about a new team building exercise.” Thinking about it now, they haven’t done a team building exercise since the Krang. 

Mikey nods along, turning towards the other. “He came into my room the other day without asking. Which isn’t like him. That’s more your twos style.” Ignoring the jab, he looks to Donnie. He makes the see, I’m not crazy face, gesturing to the younger teen. Who, unlike Donnie, believes him. “He had a bunch of my art supplies and was looking around for what I’m assuming was paper. I accidentally scared him. But instead of just laughing it off he acted like he was caught doing something bad.”

Donnie sighs, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “That’s… Okay I can’t say that’s normal Rachael behaviour. But still that doesn’t mean something is wrong.” Leonardo stopped in his pacing, staring directly at his twin. Donatello stared back. A silent war going between them. He believed something was up. His brother didn’t. He needed to show the other was obviously wrong.

After what felt like hours, the other finally breaks. “Fine!” He throws his arms up, exhaling loudly. “We’ll check this hunch out. But when it comes up to nothing, I’m going to say I told you so.”

Mikey claps, jumping up from his seat. “So,” He starts, looking between them. “Where do we begin?”

Leo smiles, setting his hands on his hips. “With some info gathering.” Michelangelo grins wildly as Donnie turns, starting to click away at his computer. Leonardo lets his shoulders relax, feeling a bit better about the situation. A part of him hopes Donnie was right. That this was all in his head. Another more anxious part of him cheers at the fact they’ll finally start looking into what’s wrong with their big brother.

Chapter Text

The kitchen was empty by this time of night. Making it the best time to make something warm to drink. Raphael had no clue why he was rummaging through the fridge at three in the morning when he could have just gotten a glass of water, but here he was. He had a bit of a sweet tooth nowadays and he was going to fulfil it. Cavities be damned. He deserved it. He found some milk in the back of the fridge, taking a sniff to check if it was still good or not.

After making sure it wasn’t growing anything alien-like in the carton, he set it down on the counter. It wasn’t sweet however. So he closed the fridge and turned towards the other contents of the kitchen. The cupboards were filled with tomato sauce, pizza dough and all kinds of cheeses and other toppings. Not a lot of sweet things. He scanned the shelves. A simple bag of sugar would be enough for him. Or even a chocolate bar. He could probably melt it with the milk right?

“Did the cupboards steal something from you?” Raphael yelps at the sudden voice. He jumps to the side, hands clutching the counter top. He turns, meeting equally startled eyes. “Whoa, sorry.” Leo raises his hands, eyes a bit wide. “Didn’t mean to scare you, big guy.” The younger chuckles.

Big guy. Raphael took a steady breath, his hands loosening on the counter. For a second he didn’t know who the other was talking to. Certainly not him. He didn’t feel much like a ‘big guy’. Then a second goes by without Leo saying anything else, or anyone else replying to the other. It’s then that he realises that he was big guy.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, he tries to think of something to say. It felt much harder than it should be. “I’m looking for something.” He replies slowly.

Leonardo hums, hand landing on his chin. “Well what’re you looking for?” He asks, turning towards the cupboards in question. Raphael does the same.

For some reason he never felt the others' gaze fall off of him. “I don—don’t know.” He stutters, shrugging. “Somethin’ sweet.” He had decided on something sweet before he even walked into the kitchen. But the only ‘sweet things’ they had were soft drinks. It was getting harder to find the correct words to say. The Feeling was to blame. He shakes his head, trying to chase it away.

“We don’t have much when it comes to sweets, Raph.” Leo says, looking over the blank cupboards. “I have a couple of soft drinks in my room if you want one?” At the words he felt a pang in his heart.

This was the only reason he climbed out of bed at three in the morning. He didn’t want a soft drink. It was too fizzy and caffeinated. He needed something soft, warm. Tasty enough to help him go to bed. Hopefully help chase off the nightmares. Without meaning to, Raphael chirps, his eyes growing watery. It wasn’t fair! How come they had everything else here but what he wanted?

They had pizza ingredients, drinks filled with caffeine, dads weird treats and Donnie’s healthy chip options. How was he going to get to sleep now!? More chirps fall from his throat, his lip starting to wobble. “—phael! Raph!” Leo shakes his shoulders, eyes digging into his. He blinks, mind catching up to him. How did Leo get in front of him? “Shit, do I need to call Donnie?” Leo asks, voice wavering a tiny bit.

The last couple minutes rush back to him. Of Leo saying he had some drinks in his room, of him starting to get upset, of the other calling him over and over again. Crap, how long was he out of it for!? “No!” He yells, stumbling away from his brother's hands like he’s been burned. Leonardo grasps at the space between them. “I’m—sorry.” He quickly wipes at his watering eyes, thankful that he hadn’t started balling his eyes out in front of the other. “Sorry.”

Leo takes a step forward and he immediately takes one back. Leo pauses, lips being pulled into a frown. “Did I say something?” His brother says, hands falling to his sides.

“…No.” He lies, shaking his head. He clears his throat, stifling the chirp that wants to come out. His cheeks heat up in embarrassment. He hadn’t chirped like that since he was a child. Silence. One that was made by neither knowing what else to say. The two just stood there, looking at each other.

Raphael clears his throat once more, taking a step towards the door. “It’s late.” He starts, ignoring the fact that neither of them look particularly tired. But then again, it was three in the morning. What was Leo doing up at this time anyways? “We should get to bed.” He turns to leave. But is stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Leo asks quietly. It was a loaded question. One that had a right answer and a wrong answer.

He slapped on a smile, shooting the other a thumbs up. “Of course I am, Nardo.” The positivity didn’t give the desired effect. Leo stood there for a few seconds, looking over him as if he were a puzzle.

“Okay…” Finally he lets him go. “Goodnight, Raph.” With that they go their separate ways. Raphael made sure to make a mental note about Leo staying up late. He’ll have to lecture the slider about good sleep schedules. But for now, he needed to force himself to forget about that whole embarrassing situation. He shakes his head, cursing The Feeling.

It was getting worse. As the days ticked slowly by it got harder and harder to push The Feeling away. It popped up at terrible times. To the point where Raphael would find himself going mute. His voice seemed to change when The Feeling was being really bad. A childish tint took over it. He missed words, mumbled more and chirped like he was a toddler again. It made no sense.

His emotions became harder to hide. Him and his brothers only ever chirped when stressed or upset while they were younger. It became a dead giveaway. Even if no one had mentioned it yet. He saw the concerned looks of the others when he let one slip. The worst part of it all was the fact that it didn’t feel like a bad thing. Don’t get him wrong, it was horrible. But when it crept up while he was drawing, or cuddling a teddy bear, it wasn’t as scary.

Every worry he ever had seemed to fade away. Now was not one of those times.

“Look out!” He yelled, fighting off a chirp along with the magic rings that were being thrown at him. Hypno-Potamus was causing havoc in New York once again and he and the team were of course the only ones able to stop him.

“I’m trying!” Donnie yelled back, dodging the rings as he flew through the air. His jet-pack rocketed him all over the place. “But unlike the rest of you, they seem to have a vendetta against flying mutant turtles!”

“I got it!” Leo screamed over the rush of air in his ears. Raphael can only watch as Leo portals in front of Donnie. The rings flew straight for his chest.

“Leo!” He screams, summoning his powers. He goes to catch him, or slap the rings away. Even if there was over a foot between them. But he’s too far away. Before he could watch his brothers get run through, Leo makes a portal and throws his sword. The rings fly through the portal, leaving the two unharmed.

“Dammit!” Raphael turns, eyes widening as a next portal manifests in front of Hypno-Potamus. His rings fly out, hitting him right in the face. He breathes a sigh of relief. Hypno-Potamus is knocked out, flung towards the ground. As he goes down another ring goes flying out into the air. He snaps his head to where it’ll hit. Mikey, it was going to hit Mikey.

Without thinking he rushes forward, activating his mythic weapons and flinging himself in front of his brother. The red glow of his weapons illuminates the surrounding area as the spinning ring hits him. It bounces off into the sky. He hits the ground rolling, covering his head with his arms to take most of the blow. After he stops, he slowly sits up. “That was awesome!” Michelangelo yells, jumping at Leo.

Leonardo laughs, going through his whole I knew it was going to work shtick. He sighs, looking down at himself. His arms were bruised, his shell was sore and he was extremely exhausted. The New York lights life mission had to be to shine in his eyes, creating a headache. Because they were doing an amazing job at it right now. “He hit hard this time.” Donatello says, rubbing at his arms. “If I wasn’t an amazing scientist slash builder slash ninja, I think he would have broken my bō staff.”

“Seems like everyone’s getting a glow up.” He sighs, forcing himself to stand. His brothers look over and he immediately feels judged. For what? He has no idea. Raphael turns most of his body out of view. The Feeling burns his soul, craving to get out. He swallows thickly. Not today.

“The end of the world does strange things to villains.” Michelangelo shakes his head, a smile slipping onto his face. “Welp, time to head back before the sun rises! Last one there is a loser.” And off he goes, heading back towards the sewers. He hears the twins shout as they go racing off. Leo using his portals and Donnie using his jet-pack. Michelangelo swung across street lamps. Raphael just tried to keep up with them. Didn’t care if he was last. Not today. The police can deal with Hypno-Potamus.

Getting back to the lair took almost everything left out of Raphael. He had to push himself near the end, to not give away anything to the others. He couldn’t be caught lagging behind. The second he gets through the doors he was breathing in deep, trying to catch his breath. The whoop of victory had him looking over at his three brothers. Donnie was jumping for joy, calling himself the best.

He guesses the soft shell won this time. He shakes his limbs out, blinking slowly as he turns towards where the bedrooms were. A cuddle with one of his stuffed animals and sleep was the only thing he needed now. He’s stopped mid step by a hand on his shoulder. “Raph, aren’t you coming to the medbay?” Leo asks. His voice still had the flamboyant leader tone to it. Telling him that the question was less of an actual question and more of a why the hell aren't you coming to the medbay?

He stops his trek back to his room, turning to face his brothers. Small bruises were already starting to form on the three of them. Unlike him, who’s injuries shone like a light bulb in the dark. After the… After the whole near death thing, he suddenly gained the ability to bruise like an overdue pear. Donnie raised his goggles. “You got hit pretty hard.” He states, gesturing towards the tunnel behind them. “It’s smart to check for a concussion before we split off.”

He didn’t want to check for a concussion. He wanted to go to sleep and pretend his bones didn’t feel like butter. “I’m fine guys.” He waves them off. “Really. You know I take hits like a boss. This is nothing.” The looks he gets back tells him the others don’t think it’s nothing.

Michelangelo clears his throat.”Raphie.” Oh, no. “If you don’t come with us to the medbay.” He feels a big annoyance coming on. “I’m bringing out Mr Delicate Touch.” There it is. A chirp almost breaks out, but he forces it down with a well planned cough.

“Really—“ He’s cut off by Leo grabbing his hand.

“Come on big guy.” He smiles. Traitor. “It’s mandatory. Unless you want dad to know?” He groans, the three whooping with victory as they drag him off towards the medbay. The medbay has gotten a huge upgrade over the last few months. Both Leonardo and Donatello refused to be unprepared in medical equipment again. Before they only had a small room with a few bandages. A pack of Tylenol if they were lucky.

Now it could rival a surgery room with how clean and professional it looked. Cots spread out across one of the walls, Donnie’s tech littered around sporadically. Monitors, IV drips, they had everything you’ll ever need after a hard battle. Mikey even got his own Mr Feeling’s room to the side, where they could talk if they needed to. Raphael only ever used it after the world almost ended. Not recently. He didn’t need it.

“Youngest first!” He orders, crossing his arms.

“What!?” Michelangelo yelps, looking up at him.

“You heard me.” He puffs out his chest. They weren’t going to stop him from making this request. “On the cot.” He points towards one of them. Mikey groans, slinking off towards the bed. Leo goes to his side, grabbing at his limbs. The resident medic.

“It would be faster if we did two at a time you know.” Donnie speaks up, looking over at him. “As you know, Leonardo has been teaching me.” He says proudly. Ah yes, Donnie. He may have forgotten about that little fact.

Raphael looked away. He didn’t want to be looked over. Yes his limbs hurt, yes he felt a headache coming on and he’s The Feeling was being pushy as hell, but he was okay. All he wanted was sleep. Maybe to cuddle a toy. Was that too hard to ask for?  “Let your arms rest a bit before you start looking at me.” He says, looking for an excuse. Thankfully his brother buys it as he nods.

He misses the concerned look Donatello throws him.

“Looks like you're as good as rain, little brother.” Leo announces, patting Mikey’s shell.

Michelangelo jumps off the cot, stretching his arms above his head. “Freedom.” He yawns. They snort at the younger’s antics.

“Now Leo’s turn.” He says, causing Donatello to look over at him.

“I thought you were next—“ He nudged the soft shell towards the other, a smile on his face. “Fine.” Donnie sighs, putting his goggles over his face. “Come on Leo.” Raphael leans against the wall as Mikey leaves, blabbering something about his mural. He watches the twins talk as they look over each other. He couldn’t help the adorsion that floods his veins. This is why he’s happy to get hit over and over again. This is why he’s the oldest.

So they could smile, be carefree. Nightmares be damned. This was his duty above all else. He loses track of time as he waits. His thumb moves towards his mouth. He presses it against his bottom lip. It would be so easy to soothe himself. To get a semblance of releaf. All he needed to do was suck his thumb. It was as easy as one, two, three.

“Next!” Donatello breaks his train of thought, hand snapping away from his mouth. He gulped, looking over at his brothers. They hadn’t seen him. Good. Leo waves a quick goodbye as he rushes out of the medbay. Leaving him and Donnie before. “Let’s get this over with.” The other drawls, gesturing towards the bed. “I need to update some of my programs.”

“Sure.” He agrees, walking over. His voice was softer. He clears it to try again. “Of course.” Yep, not at all better. He ignores the looks the other gives him as he sits down on the bed. It bends a little from his weight. Donnie moves over to a screen across from them, clicking on something. “What’re—what are you doing?” He asks hesitantly. Sleep was getting harder and harder to ignore now that he’s sitting down on a bed.

“I’m just looking over the medical criteria.” He replies, waving a hand in the air. “I haven’t memorised it yet.” He nods, head heavy. They stay there in silence for longer than Michelangelo was in here. As they do so, Donnie keeps looking back at him. Watching him. He’s adjusted his goggles over his head over ten times by now. Every blink gets harder and harder. Raphael hugs himself, shifting in his spot.

He couldn’t take the silence forever. “Mhm tired.” He mumbles, rubbing at his eyes. Donnie’s hands stills on the keyboard in front of the scanner. The blue glow from the screen reflects off of the goggles on his head. “Wan go to bed.” He adds on, blinking slowly over at the other.

The other doesn’t react for a long time. The silence makes Raphael even more tired. He wonders how comfy the medical beds were. He’s about to find out when Donnie turns towards him. His lips were thin, shoulders hiked up to his ears. “I think you have a concussion.” He blurts, hand tapping at his thigh. “I need to make sure however…” A pause. “Tell me your symptoms.”

Raphael yawns, nodding. The faster he does this the faster he can leave. Which means he’ll be able to cuddle his stuffed animals and go to bed. It’s all he really wants at this point in time. To go to bed, that is. “Sleepy.”

“I got that.” Donatello says sarcastically, rolling his eyes. “The others, Raph. What else are you feeling?”

“Floaty.” He yawns, thinking over his words. “Little.” At least that’s what he thinks this feels like. The Feeling made him feel younger, smaller and littler.

“…Little.” Donnie states, brows furrowing. Raphael just hums, kicking his feet. They hit the ground a bit, as he was too big, but it didn’t stop him from doing it. “You definitely got hit in the head too hard.” The other sighs, rubbing the spot in between his eyes. The other kept talking but it was getting harder to hear it. The world blaring black at the edges of his vision. He was just so tired. It was becoming harder and harder to keep his eyes open.

“—an’t fall asleep for at least an—'' Raphael laid back down on the medical bed, staring up at the ceiling. “—course I have to tell Leo, because he’ll yell my ear off if I don’t tell him you have a concussion—“ His eyes fully drift close, exhaustion claiming his limbs. It felt nice to finally be able to lay down. “—you're listening to me? Raph?—“ Sleep never felt so hard to fight before.

“Raphael!?”

Chapter Text

“So he just… fell asleep?” Leonardo asks, staring at their older brother. Michelangelo was breathing heavily, his hands over his knees. He himself wasn’t any better, leaning against the wall. They all had to drag the snapping turtle from the medbay to his room.

All. Three. Of. Them.

It was harder than they thought it would be. Leonardo wished the bed in the medbay had wheels. “Yes Nardo, he just ‘fell asleep’. I was saying he shouldn’t due to a possible concussion but by that time I said anything he was already gone.” Donatello sasses, waving in the direction of their sleeping brother.

“Should we—“ Michael takes a deep breath in. Leonardo moves over to pat the back of his shell. “—you know, wake him?” Michelangelo questions. Which wasn’t a bad idea, since he might have a concussion. Leonardo looks over towards his twin.

Donnie looked like he was in deep thought, eyes narrowed on the ground. “We should.” Donnie speaks up finally, looking up at them. Leonardo looks at him with a raised brow, gesturing towards the sleeping mutant. Donatello checks his wrist band, sighing. “I don’t think it’s the right option however.”

Leonardo sends a look over towards Mikey, the mutant doing the same. Michelangelo mouths should we hurry him up and Leo shakes his head no, Donnie had figured something out, they needed to wait for him.

After a long uninterrupted silence, Donnie looks over at them. There was something in his eyes and that immediately terrified him, his twin didn’t show emotions like that, clear on his face. Donatello showed his feelings through actions and his sarcastic wit.

Leonardo found himself leaning closer towards their older brother subconsciously. “You two were right, something is wrong. I assumed it was a concussion, but he showed few signs of one.” Donatello finally speaks up, frowning intently.

“I told you!” Leonardo whisper-shouts, pointing at Donnie. “You thought I was crazy!” Leo adds, looking between him and Michelangelo. Leonardo knew that there was something up with Raphael, he hated the feeling of being right in this moment, because that means there was something wrong with their brother, but the feeling of his fears being right went overflowing.

Donatello rolls his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. “Leo, I think you're crazy all the time, and I’m not saying you're right, all I’m saying is that I’ve come to my own cause for speculation.”

“That’s nerd talk for him believing us.” Mikey fake whispers, his hand cupping his mouth as he leans over towards him. “Sigh, cough cough.” Mikey smiles brightly. 

“That’s not—“ Donnie groans, putting up his hand like he was blocking the two of them out. “—never mind.” Shaking his head,  Donnie gestures over towards their sleeping brother. “Somthings wrong with Raphael and for the first time I have no idea what it could be.” The words sober them up immediately, each one of them turning their attention back to Ralph. 

The snapping turtle was snoring soundly in his bed, somehow having found a stuffed animal to shove into his arms.

Leonardo tries to remember the past few days in the lair, of everything that’s tipped off his mental alarms, like how Raphael was always one of the first up for breakfast, now that he thinks about it he was the one who usually made it.

Ralph liked pizza as much as any of them, but he had always complained about them needing a better diet to become better ninjas. Ninjas can’t survive on deliciousness forever, he’d say.

But recently Raphael’s been the last to breakfast and on the rare occurrence he hadn’t even shown up, choosing to stay in his room for hours at a time. “When was the last time Raphael hung out with us all together outside of training and patrols?” The contemplating looks Leo’s brothers gave him wasn’t helping the feeling of dread that started to sprout in his chest. 

“I don’t remember.” Donnie’s voice grows distant, almost a whisper. “A little over a week, I think?”

“Has it been that long?” Michelangelo spoke up, he sounded distressed, his shoulders hunching.

Leonardo couldn’t even think up a reliable number, the memory of Raph getting upset in the kitchen one night sticking out to him as he fiddles with the edge of his shell. Thinking back, and he means really thinking back, Leo catches some things.

Leonardo thought it was the normal nightmare routine at the time, Raphael never mentioned it to anyone, or even him, but they found a way to work around each other in the middle of the night with his new found insomnia and the others nightmares.

They had made a simple routine when both of them were having a horrible night, Raph would go to the kitchen to make something, just so he could have his hands do something to help get his mind off things, and Leonardo would seek out the other to keep his brother company.

It was easier to get tired when Leonardo wasn’t alone, when his big brother was there watching over him.

They didn’t talk about it, they both understood the fragile peace they’ve created would shatter if they did, but that night something was different, off. “I found Raphael in the kitchen one night.” Leonardo comments, squinting at the wall as he tries to remember all the details. “Ralph looked so spaced out as he searched for something. I scared him, but I didn’t think much of it. We’re ninja’s, that’s our thing. But when we didn’t have what he wanted he…” Leo sighs, wondering how to word this.

Talking about feeling’s wasn't his thing, it was Michelangelo’s, but he had to try, give them the facts, they needed to figure out what was going on. “He looked like he was about to cry and he was chirping like crazy before I shook him out of whatever that was. Raphael freaked out, backed away like I was going to hurt him. Then played it off like it was nothing but a normal Tuesday afternoon.”

“That’s certainly worrying behaviour.” Donatello states. “Do you think—do you guys think this is because of the Krang?” The word was like a bullet, causing all of them to flinch. 

Raphael mutters something in his sleep and he rolls over onto his side, facing away from them. Leonardo holds his breath just in case, snapping his gaze over towards the door, like the Krang themselves were going to come crashing through it in a fit of revenge craving rage.

After what felt like hours, Michelangelo spoke up. “I think he’s been affected by it far more than he led us to believe.” Mikey starts pacing, hands playing with his headband. Tugging at it like it was a stress ball. “But I also think this is something else entirely. Ralph isn’t telling us something.”

“Obviously.” Donnie scoffsm it wasn’t his rude scoff, they have figured out the difference by now. The way Leo’s twin kept sneaking glances at the eldest of them told him everything he needed to know.

The two looked at him then, like Leonardo held all the questions and answers to all their problems, the title of leader forced you to be looked at like that, a dangerous power for one person to hold, to this day Leo never felt ready for it, more so now than ever, when it matters the most.

What was the actual problem, how could he fix it, why wasn’t Raphael telling them about it? Leonardo needs to figure it out, he couldn’t let this continue, he can’t let it get out of control.

Leonardo can’t fail Raphael again.

“We’ll just have to ask him when he wakes up what’s going on, Ralph can’t run away from all three of us, not when we're just trying to help him.” Raphael had kept secrets in the past, but he could never keep them when confronted.

Plus it’s them, it couldn’t be that bad for Ralphael to actively want to keep whatever’s up with him an actual secret.

***

Ralphael wakes up in his room, which wouldn't be much of a problem if he hadn’t passed out in the medbay, a distant anxiety pools in his gut as he tries to remember what had happened for him to get here.

Donnie must have moved him after he passed out, that or Ralphael had somehow lost a lot of time, hoping for the first one he runs his hands down his face as he tries to think of an excuse for such sloppy behaviour on his part, nothing coming to mind.

Looking around the room Ralphael finds it empty, except for the excessive amount of things he had cluttering up the space, but that was normal for him. “Hello?” Ralphael calls out, stretching his back as he sits up in his bed, no one answers him, telling him that none of his brothers were close by to hear him, that or there ignoring him.

Either would be fine, really, it didn’t bother Ralphael either way.

Pushing off of his bed Ralphael heads out of his room, looking down the hallway. What time was it anyways? How long was he asleep for? His questions were left unanswered as Ralph makes his way down the hall, looking for an ounce of life in the sewers.

Nothing came back to him, no voices, no footsteps, no whispering about hiding something from dad and promptly getting caught regardless of their genius. It was like the place was abandoned.

Ralphael started his search, through the living room, skateboard park, training room, his little brother's rooms and finally ending at the kitchen, where he saw exactly what he was looking for. Why is it always the last place you look, is where everything is?

Michelangelo, Donatello and Leonardo were huddled around the kitchen table, whispering things underneath their breath. Relief finds him, his chest becoming not so heavy as he takes a step in, ready to ask what they were whispering about.

Michelangelo looks over briefly, like he’s sensed him there, only to pause as their eyes meet. Ralphael opens his mouth to say something when the other beets him to it. “Ralph!” Michelangelo grins, causing the twins to snap to attention, looking over at him from where they gathered around the kitchen table.

Ralphael narrows his eyes at the three, then checks over the kitchen, nothing out of the ordinary reveals itself to him and so he turns his attention back towards the orange clad mutant. “Morning?” Ralph greets back, striding over towards the fridge.

“It’s actually one in the morning.” Donatello corrects as Ralphael pulls out the milk carton, at the words he spins on his heels, eyes widening. One in the morning? He swears they got back later than that, the sun having risen while they ran home. “You slept through the day.” Donatello adds, seeing the confusion on his face.

“What!?” Ralphael sets the milk carton on the counter, gaping at his brothers in shock. “And no one woke me up?” He points between the three, all of them looking like they’ve done nothing wrong, and could do no wrong.

Leonardo shrugs, waving a hand in the air. “You passed out in the medbay, what did you want us to do? You seemed to really need it.” Leo puts emphasis on the word really, which causes something ugly to settle in the base of his throat.

Turning Ralphael grabs some cereal, a bowl, spoon and starts to make himself a midnight bowl of cereal. “Anyways…” Michelangelo pipes up, moving on. “How are you feeling?”

Putting the milk to the side, Ralphael shoves a spoonful of cereal not his mouth. His older brother instincts were tingling, and not in the good way that allows him to annoy and tease the others. “Good?” Ralphael replies, turning around. “Why? Did something happen while I was asleep?”

“Not really—“ Michelangelo goes to say, Donatello cutting him off.

“Yes—“ Only to immediately be interrupted by Leonardo.

“We actually wanted to talk to you about that…” Leonardo barrels over Donnie and Mikey, pushing himself off the table as he settles his arms over his chest.

Ralphael stands straighter as a result, possible dangers running through his mind like a picture show, what could have happened that has the three on edge like this yet not wake him up to help out with? It couldn’t have been a villain, nor an attack on the city, did something happen to April or Casey Jr? Were they in trouble?

Did Casey accidentally burn something in April’s house again and they needed help cleaning up?

“What is it? Do I need to get my weapons from my room, or do I need to bring tissue boxes?” Ralphael asks, his cereal forgotten on the counter, this was more important.

His brothers look between each other, making motions with their shoulders, hands and mouthing things Raphael couldn’t catch, until they seem to settle on a decision. Michelangelo leans forward, lips pressed in a thin line. “What are you hiding from us?”

At first Raphael looks at his little brother with confusion, hiding something? He never hides anything from his brothers and if he did it wouldn’t have been this important that it has all three of them acting so weirdly about it.

After everything that’s happened to them hiding something was the last day on his mind. Raphael goes to say this but pause last second, remembering what has been happening to him the past couple months.

It was The Feeling, they were on to him about it.

At the realisation his heart starts to beat faster, mouth going dry as his mind fills with the images of what it would be like if you he the three of them, they would think Raphael was broken, wrong, he could practically hear Leo laughing at him saying that it was better that he was the leader after all.

Or they would think that he was being brainwashed again, controlled, which was Raphaël‘s first thought when The Feeling came.

It was scary, the thought of them finding out.

He pushed aside the possibility of them thinking anything but that.

How could he explain himself, he was acting so weird in the medical bay, Donnie had to be on to something for him to even be here right now.

Did they know? Were they shaking him down for clues?

“I’m not hiding anything from you guys.” Ralphael chuckles, hands tightening at his sides. “What makes you say that?” He needs a distraction, something to throw them off of him. He's been good at lying so far about this but direct confrontation wasn’t something he does well in.

“You’ve been distant.” Leonardo replies, eyes soft as he looks about ready to explain everything that’s been going through his mind.

“And don’t forget spacy.” Michelangelo adds, raising his hand. “Like you’ve been in your own world.”

“You haven’t set up a training day in over a week, Ralph.” Donnie says matter of factly, crossing his arms over his chest. “This isn’t like you.”

“So I’ve gotten a little forgetful and rusty, that doesn’t mean I’m hiding something.” Raphael waves them off, mind running a mile a minute. The three teens give him a deadpan look, causing Raphael to try and double down. “I’m serious, I would tell you if something came up—“

“Would you though?” Donatello cuts him off, head tilting to the side.

“What?” Raphael breaths, taken aback by the harsh tone. Donnie wasn’t nice with his words, but he wasn’t mean like this, at least not on purpose.

“Would you tell us if something came up, or would you hide it because you think you have to protect us from your problems?” Donatello explains slowly, looking him up and down like Raphael was just one of his inventions, like he was searching for the problem he knew was there.

A problem Raph himself tries to ignore.

“I don’t have any problems, Donnie.” None that they need to know, none that he wants to tell, none that Ralphael could explain and not be looked down on by the only people who see him.

The three look at Ralphael like he’s the only one not in on some kind of joke, but in the worst way possible. 

“Yes you are!” Leo sets his hands on the table, leaning over it as he narrows his eyes. “The chirping, the disappearing, the sneaking around, your less talkative, more distracted on missions—“

Raphael takes a step back, his shell hitting the counter behind him. “Leo—“

“No Ralph, you can’t just Leo me right now, you have to understand that we know you’re hiding something from us! All we ask is that you tell us what it is so we can help you!” Leo yells, huffing and puffing, voice stern.

It was like Leo put on his leader cap all of a sudden.

“Is it about the Krang?” Michelangelo whispers, getting his attention away from Leo, yet his voice felt like a bomb went off, the kitchen silencing. His heart thundered in his ears, his lungs crumpling in on themselves, unable to expand as Ralphael’s left reeling from the word.

Is it about the Krang?

Ralphael goes still, body rooted in place as his mind rewinds back to all those months ago. It felt like his brain was melting, being under the Krangs control. Everytime he fought for control it was like his mind was being stabbed over and over again from the inside, slicing him to bits like a stake.

Is it a hundred times worse try to stop himself from killing his brother, his mind practically bleeding out as he resisted the control of the Krangs, it was a pain Raphael never wished upon anyone, not even the Krang themselves.

It was torture, plain and simple.

In that moment Raphael had wished he could’ve just thrown himself off the side of a ship, it would have been less painful.

Before he could really contemplate the thought, he heard Leo’s pleading, feeling his body go limp in his arms. Raphael doesn’t talk about it but the only reason he got control of himself was because he thought he had actually killed his brother, the sorrow alone overpowered whatever grip the aliens had on his mind.

It left a mark, childish and innocent, in the Krangs' place.

The worst part was, Raphael thinks The Feeling was saving him from still going over that metaphorical edge.

So yes, it was about the Krang, it was about how they hurt him, scared him, traumatised him, it was about the fact Raphael didn’t like to be around all of them at once in fear he’d lose control and hurt all of them at once.

The Feeling was a safety net, one now forcefully built into Raphael’s brian.

Raphael feels all the fear build up in his chest, head pounding as one of his hands grips the edge of the counter.

He watches as the three see this, all of them showing versions of concern, but he couldn’t stop it or soothe them as The Feeling gripped onto him like barbed wire, his panic blurring as tears welled up in his eyes.

Before Raphael can even think to run away, a sob escapes him, tears running down his face as his knees buckle from underneath him.