Work Text:
Connor had been sitting in the car since his partner unexpectedly left without a word, earlier parking the vehicle. The android didn't know if he should follow the lieutenant seeing that he wasn't in the best mood. He sat in Hank's car listening to music, which his partner had not turned off before leaving the car.
A couple of times the thought crossed his mind to turn off the radio. However, silence would be even more uncomfortable.
He and Hank were driving back from Eden Club. It had taken them quite a while to track down the deviant they were looking for in connection with a murder that had been committed at that very club. This fact alone was uncomfortable for Connor. He should manage better. He should act more effectively. It was uncomfortable for him that he had forced Hank to help him so many times. He would even say that he felt guilty.
His thoughts were revolving around the whole incident that took place a few minutes ago.
After Connor let the two androids go, intrusive thoughts began to intrude on him. Doubts. And even a kind of anxiety. Disappointment. He had once again let Amanda down. He knew that the next meeting with her would not be one of the pleasant ones. He could already feel her cold gaze full of pure disappointment on him.
However, for some reason, he just wasn't able to pull the trigger. Not after he saw their hands joined together.
It was at that very moment that he realized their frightened look. The purpose gave them courage, they knew why they were doing it. They wanted to be free, they wanted to do anything to be able to live together. They preferred to risk their own lives to achieve their goal rather than continue to be stuck pretending that it didn't hurt what they were being forced to do. However, you could still see the uneasiness in their movements, the fear in their eyes and terrified expression on their faces.
Hank was visibly even more surprised than he was, coming over to stand beside him. Connor looked into his partner's eyes, still holding his raised weapon in the direction where the androids had stood just a few seconds ago. He was overwhelmed with anxiety that Hank would be disappointed. He was confused. He didn't understand what was happening to his software, to himself. This was not the first time however he had never felt so many things at once before.
Although androids aren't supposed to feel any emotions, Connor was built a little differently. Maybe not to feel those emotions, but to understand them and simulate them at the right moments. He was programmed to adapt to situations and to people, to become their friend.
However, lately he was not convinced that what was happening to him was only influenced by the program. He felt a wave of unpleasant feeling flow through him from head to foot. Fear. He was afraid that he himself was becoming a deviant. He was afraid of the fact that he was afraid. He was afraid of what Amanda would say when she realized everything. He was surprised, however, that she hadn't noticed anything until now. This meant that either everything that was happening was working according to his program, or his feelings stem from outside the program. The second option made him once again feel an unpleasant wave inside him.
Hank returned the stare after a few seconds. Connor tried to prepare himself for a reprimand from his partner. The idea even entered his head that his partner might report his unreliability to the appropriate people, and that would make it likely that Connor would have to return to Cyberlife for a check-up. Perhaps they would discover his defectiveness and he would be shut down. An unpleasant wave in his body made his hands, with which he still held the raised weapon, tremble.
"It's probably better this way."
After these words, they stood in silence for a few seconds, after then Hank headed for the building's exit. Connor caught up with him a few seconds later, processing the lieutenant's words on the way.
Now, sitting in the car, Connor replayed the sound of those words in his mind once again. Not even the loud song still playing from the radio disturbed him.
He decided to get out of the car and join the lieutenant, sitting on the back of a bench a few meters away.
At first Connor did not look at the lieutenant, purposely avoiding his gaze while staring at the image before him.
"Nice view, huh?," the lieutenant spoke up first, surprising the android, but the brunet didn't let him know it while still staring ahead.
"I used to come here a lot, before...." Hank interrupted his statement unsure if he wanted to continue.
Connor looked at the lieutenant. The older man held a bottle of alcohol in his hands, staring at it with a cold gaze. The android was worried about his partner's condition, his well-being. However, not wanting to spoil a good start, he decided not to comment on the lieutenant's habits this time. He did, however, decide to take a chance in another way.
"Before what?"
The android gave his partner a few longer seconds hoping for an answer that he was genuinely curious about. The lieutenant wasn't usually too eager to share anything more personal with him so Connor was glad when Hank did it of his own will. Usually, when an android asks questions on his own, it doesn't end well.
"Before nothing." The lieutenant withdrew, giving a clear signal that the conversation on the subject was over.
Connor, not knowing what to do, walked a few steps forward, returning his gaze to the landscape in front of him. He had learned to flee with his eyes in any uncomfortable situation. It was easier and gave him a moment longer to think about his next words. In theory, as an advanced prototype, he didn't need this, or rather, he shouldn't need it. However, it was starting to become a habit for him.
He felt some pressure in his gut. He really wanted to talk to someone, not just about what happened at Eden Club. He wanted to tell someone about his confusion and doubts. He felt as if he had the words on the tip of his tongue. He felt a strong urge to throw them out.
"Connor," the lieutenant spoke up again surprising the android, who was convinced that their conversation was over. "I was wondering... This time I'm the one who wants to ask you a personal question."
Connor turned away. He wondered what the lieutenant might ask him. He didn't even know if he could answer anything 'personal'. He was an android, he didn't have his privacy.
"What's the deal with your reports? How do they work? Sometimes you just close your eyes for a few seconds or minutes and every time I wonder how it works."
Connor looked at his hands. He doubted it was a personal question, but he couldn't expect anything else. Still, he couldn't stop some feeling of heaviness in his body that seized him. After all, he couldn't expect Hank to ask him about his favourite colour. Connor didn't even know the answer to that question.
He didn't know if it was a good feeling, but somewhere deep down he wished someone would be curious about what his favourite colour was.
"I don't know, you just write some report in your head, send some recordings?," continued the lieutenant. You could hear in his words that he was not completely sober.
"Actually, no," Connor began. "When they programmed me, they programmed into my mind a certain graphical interface. I mean, it looks like a garden. It's the kind of place where I 'go' to report," the android took a certain pause. "And actually I go there to report to her."
"To her? What kind of her?," the lieutenant, despite his slight inebriation, looked genuinely interested, which did not happen so often.
"Her name is Amanda," Connor once again turned his back to his partner. "She is my mentor. I meet her there to report to Cyberlife on the progress of the investigation."
"Oh," Connor heard Hank get up from the bench. "In that case, what do you think her reaction will be when you tell her you let the two deviants go free?"
Connor folded his arms over his chest. He felt attacked. So here was his reprimand. He thought for a long moment that perhaps Hank would not hold the club incident against him. He should have prepared for this sooner.
"I don't know," Connor knew. He had imagined the conversation going on many times since they left Eden Club. Pure disappointment, or even worse, anger.
"These two girls... They just wanted to be together," android felt Hank's slow calm step approaching him behind his back. "They really seemed... in love."
Connor felt another wave of unpleasant anxiety flood over him.
"They can simulate human emotions, but they're machines," he put his arms around himself tighter. "And machines don't feel anything," he clenched his teeth immediately after saying the last word.
"What about you, Connor?," Hank stopped behind his back. "You look human, you sound human," the lieutenant stopped in a moment. "But what are you really?"
Connor staring dully in front of him, ignoring the tiresome presence of his partner behind his back answered as he should have done. As was expected of him.
"I'm a machine, designed to accomplish a task."
"Huh?," began after a moment of silence the irritated lieutenant. "You could've shot those two girls, but you didn't. Why didn't you shoot Connor? Some bug in your programming or what?"
"No," the android interrupted him, turning to his partner, lowering his previously folded arms along his body. "I just decided not to shoot. That's all."
The lieutenant raised the hand in which he held his silver revolver, aiming it straight at the brunet's head.
Connor had already come close to death a nice couple of times. However, until now, these were situations that just happened, and if they ended tragically for Connor, he was unlikely to have time to think about it and possibly worry about it. He was aware of the danger his missions entailed.
He felt almost hurt. The lieutenant was the closest person to him, even though they were only work partners.
"But are you afraid to die, Connor?"
Connor looked at him uneasily. He felt confused. He couldn't get away from these emotions.
Maybe not because he desperately wanted to live, but the very thought, imagining what death would be like stressed him out. Usually he didn't let himself think about it, but this time with the barrel attached to his forehead, he couldn't get those thoughts out of his mind.
"What will happen if I pull this trigger? Hm?," Hank raised his eyebrows urging Connor to answer. "Nothing? Oblivion? Android heaven?"
He wondered if the lieutenant had pulled the trigger at that moment would Connor have died instantly, or would he have been aware of dying for a few moments too long?
The android looked at him with the calmest expression he could afford.
"I doubt there's a heaven for androids."
The image in front of his eyes was becoming blurry. He could feel the tension in all his synthetic muscles. He looked at the lieutenant clenching his eyes tighter and tighter.
It had never happened to him to cry before. When he felt the first tear leave his eye, he wanted to wipe it away with his hand. However, he was too tense.
"I wish it existed," he added, still staring into his partner's eyes.
"Con-"
"I'm afraid that I will be punished," the android interrupted the older man, taking a chance on the moment when he had the courage to open up. "And I'm terribly afraid that I deserve it, I just don't know which I'm more afraid of."
The lieutenant looked at his partner still holding the raised weapon. He was afraid to move. He didn't expect Connor to open up to him. Maybe he didn't believe the android was capable until now.
"I'm afraid Amanda will punish me. I'm afraid Cyberlife will shut me down. They will consider me not enough," more tears left his eyes and flowed down the exact same path as the previous ones. "But I'm also afraid that what I'm doing is wrong. Maybe these androids really just want to live. I'm afraid that I'm taking that away from them. I'm afraid of the guilt I never thought I was capable of experiencing."
Connor dared to rub his cheeks and tear his gaze away from the eyes of the lieutenant, still standing in a frozen position in front of him.
"The point is that... I don't know. I don't know what's right. I'm not sure. I'm exhausted by these doubts."
He covered his eyes with his hand, not willing to see the expression on his partner's face now, with his other hand hugging himself.
"I am afraid that I will become a deviant. That the androids are right, that we are alive and I'm the one doing everything wrong," the words were so heavy for him that he had to pause before he decided to continue. "And that the only way for me to stay alive is to hurt others," his mouth twisted with emotion. "Otherwise Cyberlife will get rid of me."
Connor took a shaky breath he didn't needed.
"And sometimes I think to myself that it would be better if I wasn't there," without even watching Hank, he sensed the sudden tension in his body. "At least I wouldn't have to wonder what's right," he exposed his face, still not looking at his partner's face, "I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid of dying," the android smiled to himself under his nose with a pained expression. "Although maybe death itself I am also a little afraid. Mainly that they will bring me back to life and I will have to experience the same thing again." The android made a small laugh, "I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of dying or living."
After a few long, heavy seconds of silence, Hank lowered his gun slowly, still processing what he had heard. Connor couldn't bear the shock on his face. Wiping his face one last time, he decided to leave while he had the chance.
"I'll wait for you in the car, Lieutenant," he started to head toward the car, but Hank stopped him by grabbing him by his forearm.
"You know, Connor," began Hank, "I think you're already a deviant."
Connor felt the realization hit him. He could tell himself that he was wrong until someone other than himself told him that. A new wave of fear entered his synthetic body.
"I'll understand if you decide to report it, this whole performance was very unprofessional-"
"Connor," the lieutenant interrupted him. "I mean this is a good thing," Hank smiled at his partner. "Thank you for telling me everything."
Hank pulled Connor into a gentle hug. Connor did not expect such a move, so he did not return the hug. Instead, tears gathered in his eyes again.
"Hey, sorry. I should ask first," the lieutenant began to withdraw from the hug, but the android did not allow him to do so.
"It's not about that," he began. "It's just that no one has ever hugged me before."
The lieutenant let the android's tears wet his jacket. He felt strange. The android's words continued to play in his head as if in a loop.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't put so much pressure on you. You know, with that gun. It was horrible."
"Hank," Connor interrupted him, snuggling tighter into the lieutenant's figure, afraid of losing that contact, "Thank you for that."
Hank smiled to himself, still holding the brunet in his embrace.
"You are not alone, son."
Connor felt an oh-so-familiar wave flow through his body. This time, however, it was something new.
Hope.