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1.
Lately, Aether got a new obsession.
Its appearance coincides strangely with his arrival in Sumeru. Just a coincidence, he promises (or at least that’s what he tells Paimon when she’s staring a bit too hard). Planted in front of the message board of Puspa cafe, he studies with attention the new notes since his last visit. Oh! he thinks with delight, the next part of my favorite drama’s out!
And, no, nobody had suddenly started writing a novel to rip out the pages and disperse them through all of Sumeru via the wooden boards. While it wouldn’t surprise Aether (do you know how many books he found ripped out and scattered all around Teyvat?), it’s something a little more… mundane, casual, while still being out of the ordinary. That’s what he likes in this little drama.
It’s just two… “friends” travelling and arguing all around the country by leaving written messages in their wake.
If you think about it for more than 5 minutes, the setting is quite unique: it is displayed for all to see on wooden boards, all around Sumeru, and from what Aether gathers, the concerned lovebirds live together.
You might be judging Aether for his meddling, but why would they bring out their petty disputes outside their home - and leave written proof! - if it isn’t for showing it off? So, Aether reads it. It is here to be read after all, no? And he really likes this little display of normalcy, arguing over a tab, debating around undefined concepts, deliberately starting an argument… Even underneath unrelated posts. (Posts which didn’t ask for any of this apparent foreplay!) And it’s a bit silly, a bit pointless, and immensely… cute. Aether often finds himself rolling his eyes to the sky, grinning despite his exasperation.
The traveler, dwelling in infinite realms, meeting dozens of faces which are forgotten as quickly as they come, now knows at first glance when his favorite anonym couple has started another public display of argument (he started calling it PDA for short). Ah, love… This mundane demonstration really puts Aether in a good mood, and the judgmental stare of Paimon can do nothing about it.
But today, his fuzzy and warm feeling is replaced by surprise, confusion and finally annoyance.
When he reads: “it's time for Mr. Kaveh to settle his bill for the month. Should it be put on your tab as usual, Mr. Alhaitham?”, his first reaction is denial.
His hopes are shattered by the response: “No. That spoiled guy needs to experience the brutality of the business world.” It’s the neat and precise handwriting he saw multiple times, on other boards. It’s the same writing pattern, the straight, thin and a bit too tall ‘i’s he attributed to the one he called “The Straight-Laced”. A spoiled guy and a tab. Kaveh and Alhaitham. Oh no. This is them.
The surprise comes from the fact that this couple is not so anonymous. The confusion, from imagining Alhaitham actually getting angry, and still paying “as usual”.
Finally, the annoyance comes from the realization that all these little casual disputes between two ordinary people who love each other very much is replaced by one of the best architects in the nation and the scribe of the Akademiya living together, making out to blow some frustration and… dating (!!?).
It isn’t casual at all. This is a scoop. This is dramatic. In a daze after this earth shattering revelation (well, not really, but Aether is SHOOK. Forgive him), the traveler pounders on how surprising it is that status can affect the importance of your personal life. In addition, Aether can’t possibly imagine Alhaitham being a sweet and caring lover, so all the warm and squishy feelings from the passed arguments turn just blunt, oblivious, and rude.
Welp, that’s why you never meet your heroes. At the opposite end of the spectrum of reactions, Paimon squeals in delight (see!? She was also reading it, the little flying hypocrite!) “Paimon finally has something against that guy! Time to summon all Paimon’s brain and come up with the ugliest nickname!”
And Aether won’t stop her. How dare Alhaitham acts like he has feelings.
2.
Trembling, Collei passes the salt to Cyno, meeting the slightly perplexed-slash-concerned gaze of the general. It is not because she is intimidated by him for once. Well, not entirely. Today, the reason for her tremors is neither due to health nor memories.
Today, she is cramped by a suppressed laugh.
“… And then he left all the dishes in the sink before disappearing for a week. What am I, his anxious housewife!?”
An inelegant snort escapes her, and she cobbles on the table, nearly face palming in her dish to hide it. Collei hears Tighnari chocking. Cyno’s frown grows more intense. She’s not alone in this.
Luckily, Kaveh doesn’t notice any of it -or doesn’t care- and continues his rambling. “And of course, if I don’t do the groceries before he comes back, he’s going to sustain himself only with snacks from the bazaar or deserts from Puspa café! ‘Kaveh, the brain needs energy to work’, my foot! How did he survived before meeting me!? Someone needs to teach him he can’t live on junk food alone!”
And really, they shouldn’t laugh. This is a man worrying for his roommate. It’s sweet. But the situation is too ridiculous. Just how can you pretend to hate someone only to appear so… down bad? She can’t. If she doesn’t roll on the floor laughing by the end of it, she deserves a medal.
“I-I mean”, finally interrupts Tighnari, voice a bit winded by a trapped laugh -Collei has a bad feeling about this-, “If he annoys you that much, how about finding another solution?”
Oh no. “We have places in Gandharva Ville!” He’s taunting him, “Or Cyno can surely room with you! Most of the time, he isn’t even here because of matra’s duty anyway.”
Cyno widens his eyes at this, as if he was seriously considering the possibility. Tighnari can be so mischievous: of course, Cyno wouldn’t pick on things. Of course, he won’t refuse helping a friend either. Of course, Kaveh knows that.
But even before the general opens his mouth. It’s Kaveh who shouts. “No!”
The architect has bounced up in a frenzy, spilling his glass on the napkin. A second of silence. Thirty seconds. A minute. An eternity. Then Kaveh flares up.
“Oh god I’m sorry Tighnari! I-I drank too much the… uhm- the nap! I… W-We should wash it and, uhm. Get Alhaitham to…” come and pick me up. That is what he wants to say. Collei knows, Tighnari knows and heck, even Cyno knows.
Tighnari facepalms on the table, Cyno jumps at the resounding BAM and Collei hides under the nap, slides to the ground. Who needs a medal anyway. If she doesn’t laugh now, she’s going to die from cringe.
What is this cheap romance novel happening right in front of her eyes? This can’t be real. This can’t be true. This can’t be her life.
Please someone save her.
3.
Merciless, Cyno plunges his spear into the flesh of his prey. It seems like those fanatics are still everywhere.
He sighs.
When will all of this end?
But he can’t dwell on questions for too long. Suddenly, his senses pick up a presence in the ruins. Back-ups? Cyno has made sure this is the last squadron of the organization… Could they have recruited another band to support them?
His rampant mind quickly stops when he spots a scholar strolling around with a book in hand, looking up in wonder at inscriptions on the monuments, headset on ears, like nothing else is happening around, and certainly not the general Mahamatra annihilating another malicious criminal organization a few meters away.
Oh. It’s just Alhaitham.
It is actually surprising to see him here, as he rarely leaves his house on his vacation days, and even less so to come to the desert (the sand annoys him to no end. ‘I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.’ Once said the scribe with one too many glasses in his blood. Nobody asked about it. It just… popped out of his mouth, like he cited a quote from a book.)
Well, no matter. Cyno goes to say hello. “Alhaitham. What are you doing here, this place is dangerous.”
Alhaitham takes time to notice him. He probably has blocked off the sound of clashing weapons with that noise-canceling headset -or with some music if we consider the slight bop of his head. Apparently, the screams of criminals being beaten into next week aren’t the best vibes for ruins exploration.
When he does notice Cyno, his eyes widen as he touches his device. “Cyno.” He simply says, closing his book and reaching to put it under his cape. “What can I do for y-”
Suddenly he frowns. He gets his hand out of his pockets, book replaced by two keys.
“Oh.”
A lion keychain is attached to one, while the other stands totally bare, devoid of any decoration. The dent of the bare one is stuck on the steel golden ring of the second. Cyno quickly guesses the conundrum. “That’s Kaveh’s.”
“You’re right.”
“I’m going back to the city with the leaders I just arrested. I can bring it back to him.”
Alhaitham’s eyes suddenly shine with an excited glint. “No. Don’t bother. I’ll give it back when I return tonight.”
They are passed the wall of Samiel, and the scribe doesn’t seem rushed to go home any time soon. He’ll be back in the middle of the night. Cyno suddenly feels bad for Kaveh.
“It doesn’t bother me. And if you don’t bring them quickly, he’s going to hate you.”
The same glint shines again in Alhaitham’s eyes. “Oh, he probably already hates me now. And I can’t let him pass his nerves on someone else, since it’s my mistake.”
Cyno gives him an unimpressed stare. He nearly asks, ‘is that foreplay?’ but he really doesn’t want the answer.
“Alright”, he says instead. “I’ll pick him up at the tavern if you come back too late.”
Alhaitham scoffs. “Well, good luck on that.”
And they both know that drunk or not, Kaveh won’t budge until Alhaitham comes and picks him up.
So, it IS foreplay. He should reroute his patrol and avoid the front of their house tonight. Why does the general Mahamatra always find answers he isn’t searching for?
4.
Happily, Dory strolls through her front garden, and dreams of what the next extension will look like.
Today, she meets with her favorite architect about the new fancy garden she wants to build in the back. It will be the finest of the finest, with golden ornaments, the rarest plants, and the most delectable fruits. This is where she will bring her special customers, in hope that the opulence of the place pushes them to opulent spends of mora. Like a perfect, brilliant honey trap. This is going to be fantastic.
Her mood sours quickly. In the patio opened to the public, stands the mighty, the great, -her favorite- light of the Ksharehwar with the bland scribe.
Why him.
Really, Dori can’t comprehend what an extravagant, ambitious, and easy to scam business savvy gentleman like Kaveh does with the plain and boring Alhaitham.
The man is objectively no fun. He is reasonable, never follows his whim, and is too smart for giving away all his money for enjoying life properly. And it tends to bleed on Kaveh.
Since they started living together (What, did you think she didn’t know? She is Lord Sangemah Bay, she has ears everywhere), Dori can’t even speak freely to Kaveh. Every time they try to settle and talk business, a sudden obligation appears on the architect’s schedule. A matra asks him to follow for an investigation, an urgent demand is made by another client, or a fellow scholar comes bare the news that his proposal is rejected, again. Dori doesn’t have any time to convince him to purchase expensive products to catch up with her friend!
It didn’t happen before Kaveh roomed with Alhaitham. Those unfortunate coincidences happened ten too many times to be just coincidences. She caught Alhaitham’s smug face looking in her direction twenty too many times for it to be just an amicable greeting.
As she watches from afar her beautiful, perfect, useful Kaveh gesticulates in front of a pillar, explaining the intricacies of yet another design to a bored looking -but respectfully silent- Alhaitham, she lists in her head all the measures she could take.
Making the Scribe disappear to another country all together wouldn’t be a solution, since it would mean Kaveh following after him. The tragic tale of an accident would force Kaveh into a sorry state, and she wouldn’t want that for her friend. (After all, grief reduces tendencies to greatly spend mora to go out with friends as it locks you, mourning in your house.)
The best she can make is another blacklist.
Right, it’s decided. She’s going to start a blacklist for banning unwanted people from the public garden.
5.
Finally, Dehya feels like she can relax herself a bit.
She watches gleefully at her shopping bags, excited to start the new skin routine she just got recommended. Dehya went a bit wild with the prices of certain clothes too, but hey, lady Dunyazard was such a sweetheart with the end of contract compensation, it would be too bad to not enjoy it!
A finger on the delicate edge, she takes a look at the interior of her bag of new cosmetics, looking happily at the two identical sets. Surely her lady will appreciate the attention.
Dehya is imagining taking a sun bath with her new (girl)friend and ex-employer when she traverses the grand bazaar and spots Alhaitham with… a blond man? Wait, he actually has friends?
“Hey Alhaitham!” She says, coming closer. Anyway, it’s been a while since she has chatted with her fellow archon-saving brothers in arms, and she is curious. “Whatcha’re up to?”
“Dehya.” He responds simply. Seriously, what is with this man and never saying hello or hi? “Nothing. Just shopping.”
And that’s where she notices the arm of the scribe cautiously posed around the blond’s hip. Oh. Perhaps Alhaitham doesn’t have any friends after all.
“And who’s that? Can you present us?” She asks, feeling a knowing smirk crosses her lips. Gossip isn’t her usual pastime. But Alhaitham in a relationship? She definitely wants to know what kind of individual can achieve dating the stone-faced scribe.
Alhaitham seems to finally notice his proximity to the -objectively beautiful- blond man, and takes a step aside. “Oh. This his Kaveh. He is my-”
“I’m Kaveh!” Cut in blondie, “I’m Alhaitham’s senior and an architect. Nice to meet you Dehya! The flame mane, right? You’re the star of the Eremites, it’s so nice I finally get to see you!”
Kaveh, Kaveh, Kaveh… Dehya is sure she heard this name somewhere… “Oh!” She finally remembers, “you’re that light of the Ksharehwar guy!”
“Indeed that’s me!” Responds Kaveh, smile blinding. Dehya lets her slightly widen stare wanders between him and Alhaitham. Opposite really attracts, huh.
“That’s you who planned the city’s Eremites lodgings right? Love it here! Feels like home but fancier!”
“Oh! Yes! I went to the desert to bring a bit of inspiration back for this project! Surely it would be easier to adapt with a familiar place at home. I hope it didn’t pass as arrogant of me to imitate the architectural designs so roughly…?”
At first, Dehya indeed thought that some fancy city folks just wanted to ostracize the desert dwellers, but despite it, these lodgings were a big comfort to her when she learned to navigate in this unfamiliar environment at first. And now that she is meeting the man? Her instinct ushers her that nothing of the sort could hide behind this smile. “Absolutely not! They’re great actually!”
“Oh, I see… Well thanks for telling me!” Kaveh’s cheeks blush. This guy really likes compliments huh.
Dehya catches the fond gaze of Alhaitham over his companion’s delighted face. What’s up with this ‘I’m his senior’ bullshit by the way… They’re clearly together. Well, if they’re not ready to confide in her, that’s fine. Everyone does what they want with their private lives.
“Look at you, glowing like an idiot”, comments Alhaitham. So, he’s a tease, huh. Dehya wouldn’t have bet on it. But then again, she wouldn’t have bet on him being in a relationship in the first place.
“Hey! Being complimented on my work is always nice! It means I have done my job properly! Not that you, a file managing library bookworm, would understand!” Oh. So Kaveh just has as much character then.
She can’t imagine how explosive it can be when they are alone. Or would they be sweet and caring behind closed doors? Ugh, somewhat the image of Alhaitham being caring seems cursed. Would that even work with his bitch resting face?
“Hmph. You do know that it is this ‘managing file bookworm’’s salary that pays your bills every month, right?” Wait what? Is that really them hiding their relationship from Dehya? Because it is so painfully obvious, it can’t be called subtext anymore.
“Yes, yes Alhaitham you’ve got money, that’s the hundredth time I’ve heard this argument. And I keep telling you: this is not how you keep someone.”
Seriously?
“Hmph. Wouldn’t you know.”
Okay, surely this is a prank. Or do they think Dehya is so stupid that she won’t pick up on it? She’s starting to feel insulted.
“Well, I’ve got other things to buy today”, she declares, not wanting to witness this shameless flirting for much longer. “You two take care, lovebirds!”
She hears an undignified and strident “Lovebirds!?” coming from Kaveh and Alhaitham’s short laugh as she turns around. Yeah, that’s right, pretend to be surprised.
It did sound genuine. They are either the most talented comedians she ever met, or the most tragically unaware set of dumbasses.
And she’s starting to think the latter.
+1
Sometimes, Tighnari wishes he could tear his ears off. And his eyes. And his nose.
It’s been fifteen (fifteen!) minutes since Alhaitham and Kaveh went to pick up their stuff in Tighnari’s hut (unwanted info gently provided by his cursed pair of eyes, capable of sniping the sundial planted on the branch a few meters away from their dining table).
It’s been ten minutes since their perpetual banter slipped into something less eloquent and more… winded, and five minutes since his sense of smell picked up on a slight fragrance of sweat. Maybe Tighnari will bunch with Amir tonight. (And burn all his incense to purify his room.)
Why did they think it would be a good idea to invite Alhaitham along this time? (Maybe because Kaveh on his own would have caused yet another scene, and that they would have to wait another 2 good hours for Alhaitham to show up, letting Tighnari and Collei’s death by laughter fly over their head for 2 hours longer.)
Cyno -picking up on Tighnari’s mood but not detecting the unholy happenings a mere 5 meters and a wall away from their table- is looking at him with concern, while Collei finishes her food in silence. Up until now, their dinner has been actually enjoyable, without any death risks thrown into the mix. Kaveh, despite all his nagging, is always a calmer drinker when Alhaitham is around. (Be it either because his partner soothes him in a weird way, or because they spend more time arguing than drinking.)
So, while Tighnari is one soft moan away from flipping the table, running for his bow and arrows to silence them eternally, he understands Cyno’s confusion. This evening has been great. Everything is perfectly fine, he has heard worse in his life, and he is completely used to these minor inconveniences. He has no need to curse his Valuka shuna’s root.
“Hah- Haitha-”
This time, judging by Cyno’s back going tense and Collei’s colors draining from her face, Tighnari isn’t the only one who heard.
Breathe in, breathe out.
He needs to thread carefully.
“Collei, could you go and wash the dishes in the river?” He calmly asks.
The young girl, apparently looking for a way to fuse with the air, glows from gratitude and takes the out. “Sure master Tighnari! I’m on my way!”
After gathering plates and cutlery in haste with Cyno and Tighnari’s help, she rushes down to the stream of water.
Tighnari lets out an infinitely long sigh, his head falling in his hands. He then feels the warm fingers of Cyno on his nape, massaging the tension away.
“So that’s why you were tense”, he comments, with a gentle tone reserved for Tighnari.
“Please tell me we never acted that way.”
Cyno’s expression turns perplexed, his eyebrows frowning as if it is the weirdest question his lover has ever asked. “Of course not. We don’t throw our couple’s troubles in everyone’s faces.”
Archons, Tighnari loves him. Maybe it’s because they don’t have any troubles, maybe they can’t even shove them at anyone because they don’t exist.
“Haitham, yes—!”
He smacks his hands on the table.
“OKAY! I think we GET IT!”
Finally, everything goes silent. Bless this day, Alhaitham and Kaveh have finally shut the hell up.
But unfortunately for them, Tighnari’s dam just broke.
He walks to his hut, opens the thin curtain and is instantly revulsed. There is no space for any pure explanation between their bodies: Kaveh pinned to the wall, Alhaitham a leg shoved strategically in the middle, supporting his lover, and their other limbs tangled tightly around them. They’re both in an evident state of disarray, cheeks reddened, breaths shortened, clothes wrinkled. Tighnari curses once again his overly perfect vision when he catches the glint of a sweat drop running down the blond’s neck to his naked pecs displayed by his outrageously wide-opened shirt.
Kaveh has the decency to look like he wants to die. Alhaitham’s eyes open slightly wider. Ever levelheaded, the scribe is the first to recover from the embarrassment. “Sorr—”
Tighnari is second.
“LOOK, it is perfectly FINE if you want to BANG each other into the next morning, but could you reserve your FILTHY DESIRES for a more private place than the middle of this VILLAGE!?”
Tighnari feels Cyno’s hand massages his neck once again, but he can’t stop himself anymore.
“Because yes, I heard it, CYNO heard it, and all of Gandharva FUCKING VILLE heard it. THANKS for Collei’s mental health by the way, she REALLY NEEDED THAT! So now, you get out of my room, pack your things, and BANG IN THE FUCKING SUNSET, YOU STUPID MARRIED COUPLE—”
“N-Nari—!”
Cyno’s voice pierces through his screams. Alerted by the urgency in it, Tighnari snaps out of his furry directly into worry. He looks at Cyno and follows the direction the amber-colored eyes jerks to.
Collei stands there, frozen, nearly transparent.
The most awkward silence of this evening settles.
A meek and apologetic “I forgot the spoons…” is what breaks it.
Collei has finally become one with the wind better than any anemo user, Kaveh looks already dead by auto-combustion, Alhaitham stares far, far away from his current situation and Cyno…
Oh no.
“Well, this is forked up.”
Maybe Tighnari doesn’t like him that much.
“You know, because Collei said she forgot the spoons…”
Maybe Kaveh isn’t his friend.
“… and since they’re both cutlery…”
Maybe Alhaitham is an evil spirit, or the reincarnation of King Deshret waiting to destroy all of Sumeru.
But Tighnari has no regret. It had to be said.
As his own brain dissolves in a puddle of first, second and third-hand embarrassment, his last coherent thought eases his suffering.
Worth it.