Chapter Text
“So, who’s….” Liliver spoke up with an amused look on her face as if this was the funniest thing to have ever happened.
“Nope!...Not going to talk about that.” I quickly shut her down. I put my head down on the table in shame. I want to cry, I want to scream, and most right now I want to throw something at the wall.
“Look, it's not that bad. At least you're out of your teenage years.” Liliver offered.
“Barely!” I groan. I feel my eyes well up with tears and my breathing start to quicken. I feel that I am losing control of my body. The white haired girl quickly comes to my side trying to comfort me. Sobs rock through my body. I am inconsolable. I feel as if my whole life is falling apart from under my feet. Lilliver hugs me.
“You can always get an abortion Jude.”
Shackley I tell her I’m aware. I know that will be my best option in the end. But I also never thought I would be put in this situation. I never thought I would have to make this choice.
“You don’t have to make your decision tonight.” Liliver tells me as if it could offer me any more comfort. I know she means well so I give her a small nod and a weak smile.
“I think I’m gonna go to bed… It's been a long day and I have a lot to think about.” I murmur as I push myself up. When I enter my bathroom the reflection in the mirror startles me. I’m paler than usual, my freckles appear to have faded. To put it short I look like shit, but right now that's the least of my problems.
I quickly strip my clothes off and rush into the shower. A downfall of too hot water engulfed me as I sat trying to figure out what I should do.
Family has always been a touchy subject for me. Growing up the idea of being abandoned would cause a meltdown, I would cling to my parents’ leg and after their death I hid my face in Vivi's side. This fear turned into anger during my adolescent years. Resulting for Madoc to send me to various therapists, trying to get me to channel my emotions into sports and activities. I tried hockey, soccer, roller derby, lacrosse and many others. Oriana, although more fond of Taryn, helped me get into music, and art lessons which I had enjoyed. Even later in my teen years these feelings still affected me, no matter what coping skills, therapists, or mood stabilizers I’ve been through, nothing ever really goes completely away.
That’s how I get stuck in situations like this.The sound of Oriana’s fills my head, you need to think Jude, you don’t think. I do think I tell myself, I think too much. That's the problem. It’s all I ever do.
The water had turned cold by the time I got out of the shower. I am no closer to making a decision, acting like I even have one.
It's not that I don't like kids. I love my niece and my brother. I work with kids everyday. And not even the little ones… but the annoying ones, middle schoolers. It’s not that I can’t handle it, I have the money, I have the love, and I have the home. It's if I want to.
Before I know it I’m laying in my bed. My hair dripping onto my pillow case, and my fans' ringing noise slowly luling me into sleep.
Before my mind finally shuts off.
When I wake it feels as if an icepick is piercing out of my eye. All I want to do is hide in bed, cocooning myself in safety and darkness.
But at this point it's too late to call out of work.
I pull myself out of bed and into the bathroom. Forever grateful that I took a shower the night before. While using the bathroom my eyes focus on the stick that has caused so many emotions in such a short amount of time. I think I’ve made my decision.