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Kalluto stood in the shade of a tree, observing his target from behind. He hadn't moved from that bench in nearly an hour, but he didn't appear to be doing anything, really. There was no book in his hands, no phone to fiddle with; he was just... sitting. It was odd, even by this boy's standards.
The boy turned his head, seemingly speaking to no one in particular, but his voice carried to the tree where Kalluto stood. "Is today the day I get to meet you for real? I won't hurt you, if that's what you're worried about."
For a moment, Kalluto considered flight; it was certainly the most logical option in order to continue shadowing his target, but the boy had just given him an excuse to get closer. Gliding out from the cover of the tree, he strode over to the bench. "You couldn't hurt me if you tried," he said, keeping his voice a careful monotone. "I'm certain you can't even use Nen anymore."
Tilting his head backwards, Gon Freecss gave Kalluto an upside-down wave. "Hey. And you're right about my Nen. It's kind of boring, being normal-ish again." His hand gestured to the space beside him. "Wanna sit? It's easier than talking like this."
Kalluto rounded the bench and sat, sizing Gon up from close enough to touch him. In the nearly two months he'd been tailing him, this was the closest he'd been to the boy.
"Kalluto, right?" Gon's voice broke through his thoughts.
A slight widening of the eyes was the only surprise that Kalluto allowed himself to betray. He gave a single nod. "How did you know?"
"I recognized your scent from when we first talked, and Killua only has a few brothers," the older boy replied. "You're not Illumi, you're not fat enough to be Milluki, so that only leaves Kalluto. You've been following me for a pretty long time."
Kalluto raised an eyebrow. He hadn't realized Gon's sense of smell was so sharp, or that he knew about all of the Zoldyck children. "How long, do you think?"
"I'd guess about two months, but the first time I smelled you was a little over a month ago." A hint of a frown clouded his face. "At first I thought you were Killua, because I really wanted you to be. It's sort of like when you miss someone and you see their face everywhere in crowds."
Oh, Kalluto knew precisely what Gon meant by that. So many times, he'd caught a glimpse of white hair while following a promising lead, only to find it belonged to an old woman. But he wasn't about to admit that aloud. "I can be very patient when I have to be," he replied instead.
Gon tilted his head. "And when you don't?"
"I get what I want, when I want it."
Instead of radiating fear as Kalluto had been expecting, Gon merely shrugged and nodded. After a moment, his eyes lit up. "Do you like chocorobo-kun?"
"What?" Kalluto failed to conceal his incredulity. He knew Gon was unpredictable, but the boy was acting as though they were just two ordinary children, eleven and fifteen years old, passing an innocent summer afternoon on a park bench talking about candy.
"You've never had one?" Gon rummaged in his backpack and produced the chocolate in question. "Here, try it! They're Killua's favorite."
"No, I- I know what they are," Kalluto blurted. "I know he likes them." He ran a hand through his hair instinctively, trying to center himself. "It's just... I don't understand."
"What don't you understand?" Opening the package, he took hold of Kalluto's hand, shaking a few balls of chocolate into his open palm.
Blood rushed to Kalluto's cheeks as a strange feeling danced in the pit of his stomach. There was nothing unusual about the contact between them; Kalluto had seen it so many times in his observations of others. Still, it was the first time someone who was not a family member had touched him so casually, and it sent his heart racing. "I'm an assassin," he said, deliberately keeping his voice as level as possible despite the traitorous tremor in his hands. "An assassin who's been stalking you for months, and instead of running away, you're offering me chocolate."
Gon shrugged, tossing a handful of chocolate into the air and catching it on his tongue. "You don't want to kill me, or you'd have done it already. Plus, you're Killua's little brother. Killua cares about you, so that means I do too."
Kalluto nearly let loose a scathing remark about just how much his brother cared, but that would spoil the mood of this oddly pleasant form of torture that was sitting with Gon. Instead, he put the chocolate in his mouth and crossed his arms. "I don't understand you at all."
"That's okay." Gon gave another shrug and a grin. "Killua is my best friend in the whole world, and sometimes he doesn't understand me either."
"I want to." The words were out before Kalluto could stop them, and he bit his lip, hoping Gon hadn't heard.
"Huh? You want to what?"
Kalluto sighed. There was no use trying to hide it now. "I want to understand you. I was so angry with my brother for choosing you, all those years ago. I haven't been able to hunt him down, so I decided to track you instead. I thought maybe if I could understand you, I would know why my brother abandoned m-" He shook his head, a light cough disguising what had almost slipped out. "Abandoned my family. He obviously thinks you're worth it."
Gon shifted, looking down at the ground between his feet. "I think it might be a little more complicated than that."
"No, you are worth it. I can see that now." Kalluto steeled himself, then reached out to touch Gon's shoulder, praying that doing so wouldn't make his voice tremble. "There's something different about you. It's like you're full of light and happiness and kindness and... everything I'm not. I could follow in your exact footsteps for years and still be nothing like you are."
Gon smiled and looked up, a hand coming to Kalluto's kimono-clad knee, setting his mind reeling. "Everyone's different. Mito-san- she's kind of my mom- she says there's no such thing as a normal person."
In the days and weeks that followed, Kalluto would blame that physical contact for what he said next. There was no way he would have made such a confession in his right mind, but this was the most friendly touching he'd had in all his life; he was spiraling out of control. "I watched you sleep once."
The mood shattered, Gon's hand dropping away as he looked at Kalluto in confusion. "Huh? Like out in a field somewhere?"
"No, in the city." Kalluto withdrew his hand and swallowed hard, committed to the truth now that he had let it slip. "I told myself it was impossible for you to be... like you are... that it was just a façade. I broke into your hotel room, where I knew your guard would be down, and I watched you sleep."
Gon's expression was unreadable, even for a trained assassin like Kalluto. "People are the most honest when they're asleep," he said, words more carefully measured than Kalluto had ever heard from him.
"And you didn't change." Chewing his lip, he continued. "There was a full moon that night. You were lying in your bed, bathed in moonlight, and I was hiding in the shadows, in the darkness, where I've always been, where I belong. And I was so jealous."
"Jealous?" A hint of surprise crept back into Gon's voice.
Nodding, Kalluto sighed. "I wanted to touch that light, to make it part of me too. I still do. I know I'll just end up smothering it in the darkness... but I still want it. I need it."
Both of Gon's hands came to the younger boy's shoulders, his face hovering close, so close. "Kalluto, what are you saying, exactly?"
Frustration and nerves and desperation reached critical mass, and the resulting explosion brought Kalluto's lips crashing against Gon's, heedless of the bruises he might leave. The older boy's exclamation of surprise left an opening for Kalluto to dart his tongue in, brushing against Gon's. He tasted of chocolate and cool water and things that Kalluto had no name for, things he yearned to discover. No sooner had he begun to deepen the kiss, though, than strong hands on his shoulders pushed him away.
"Kalluto, no," Gon said, frowning. Golden eyes were filled with shock and disappointment- and worst of all, understanding.
"I want you," Kalluto murmured, reaching for Gon's face, only to have him turn away.
"You can't have me. Not in that way." The words, spoken without even looking Kalluto in the eye, made his blood freeze into solid shame and embarrassment.
"I can," Kalluto said, voice low and carrying a note of threat, the slightest trace of aura seeping from his body. "I'm stronger than you. I can take what I want from you. That's how the world works."
"But it's not how people work." Turning back to meet his gaze, Gon's eyes were full of sympathy that made Kalluto's pride howl in rage, yet it felt... good. "What you want can't be taken- only given."
"Do you know what it is that I want?" A spark of hope surged inside the younger boy; if he could just put a name to this feeling, maybe it would be better. He could stop trying to identify it solely by the shape of the jagged hole its absence left in his chest.
Gon nodded, a tiny smile on his lips. "You're looking for love, Kalluto. And love has to be given."
Kalluto's eyes widened in recognition as the pieces clicked into place. "Then give it to me," he whispered.
"That's not how it works either."
Growling, Kalluto surged to his feet, fists clenched in pain and rage with no discernible target. "Then how the hell does it work? If I can't have it, then at least tell me how I make this feeling stop!"
"I'm sorry," Gon murmured, eyes sympathetic and so infuriatingly understanding. "First crushes are always messy and painful. I wish I could help you-"
"You can," the younger boy blurted, bringing a hand to brush the tanned cheek in front of him. "You can, Gon. You can say yes. You can love me back."
"No, Kalluto." Gon shook his head once more. "I love Killua."
A spike of something cold and sharp and dripping with poison slammed into Kalluto's heart. "But he doesn't love you back," he snarled, tearing his hand away. "He abandoned you, just like he abandoned me."
Gon was silent for a moment, eyes radiating a pain that ran deep, deeper than Kalluto had imagined. "There are a lot of different kinds of love, Kalluto. I can't tell you for sure if Killua still loves me, because romantic love is the most fragile kind. But I promise you, as long as he lives, your brother will always love you."
"He. Left. Me." Kalluto's face contorted with a rage that hovered dangerously close to tears. He had to hold onto his anger; if he lost it, he would have no defenses left. "He left me to be with you, and now he's left you too. He doesn't love either of us."
Gon was silent for a moment, as if considering something. When he began speaking again, it was just above a whisper. "When you were a baby, you used to love Killua's hair." Another little smile came to his mouth. "He used to put you up on his shoulders and carry you around, and whenever you tugged on his hair, he'd turn in the direction you pulled."
Kalluto gasped, a long-forgotten memory rushing in to fill his mind, vague but for a few details and a feeling, an emotion that overwhelmed all else. "I... I remember that," he murmured. "How did you-"
"It wasn't just when you were a baby," Gon continued. "When it was time for you to start your training, Illumi was going to be your teacher, but Killua fought with your parents for a week until they let him do it. That's why he was your teacher instead of Illumi."
A lump formed in Kalluto's throat, moisture swimming unbidden to his eyes. "He told me it was because Illumi was too busy. He never said..." He trailed off, drawing a shuddering breath.
"Killua loves you, Kalluto." Gon's hands came out to clasp Kalluto's. "He cares about you more than he'll ever tell you directly."
"But he told you," the younger boy choked out, something bitter under his tongue. "Not me."
"Uh-huh." Gon nodded. "He loves you too much to keep it all inside him, so he told me. But I think he told you too."
"Never," insisted Kalluto. "He's never told me that."
"Not in those words." A rueful grin crossed Gon's face. "He's never said those to me either, and I don't know if he ever will. You know how he tells me?"
"How?" He swallowed hard, trying to rid himself of that awful tightness that had spread downwards to his chest.
Those hands, warm and comforting, squeezed Kalluto's with a gentle, caring pressure. "Think of something he says with a mean face, then smiles when he thinks you aren't looking."
Kalluto's eyes widened, and he let out a gasp. "Idiot?"
Gon giggled and clapped. "See? He says he loves you all the time. Idiot, don't be stupid, be more careful- that's what those mean. You just have to translate."
It was too much. A roaring sound filled Kalluto's ears, vision blurring as a ragged sob tore its way from his throat. He bit down hard on his bottom lip in a vain attempt to stop the flood, but it was too late. Body wracked with rhythmic tremors, he opened his mouth to emit a keening sound as the tears began to stream down his cheeks. With the last traces of conscious effort, he made it back to the bench before he collapsed.
Strong arms encircled Kalluto, the scent of trees and earth and nature and something that he could only describe as Gon filling his nostrils. He didn't order him not to cry, didn't beat him, didn't mock him for his weakness. Fingers stroking through Kalluto's hair as he crooned wordless comfort, Gon simply held him, anchoring him as they waited for the storm inside Kalluto to die down.
When water had dried to salt and the shuddering had subsided, Kalluto pulled away, scrubbing a sleeve across his face as he averted his eyes. "Thank you," he mumbled. "I'm sorry. It's been... it's been years since I cried." Truthfully, he couldn't remember the last time; he'd thought the beatings accompanying such expressions of weakness had banished it from his instincts.
"Don't be sorry," Gon said. "I am getting hungry, though. Did you have lunch yet?"
Kalluto blinked like an owl caught in a spotlight. "Lunch?"
"Yeah," Gon giggled. "Did you have any?"
Pausing for a moment and tilting his head, Kalluto raised an eyebrow. "No?"
"Come on, then!" The older boy sprang to his feet, tugging on Kalluto's sleeve. "There's this place a few blocks down with amazing noodles. It's my treat, and we can tell each other stories about Killua to embarrass him when we find him again!"
"We?" Kalluto stopped short, stiffening.
Gon shrugged. "Well, yeah, I mean, if you want to. You said you were looking for Killua, and I've decided I'm going to start looking for him soon. If you want, we can look together."
"And it doesn't bother you that I..." Kalluto blushed, looking at the ground. "Kissed you?"
A tanned arm went behind Gon's head, a sheepish grin blossoming. "Well, I mean, as long as you don't try to do it again, I figure we can both just kind of forget about it. Y'know?"
As Kalluto looked at the object of his months-long obsession, the dull, longing ache in his chest returned, but now it seemed... different. More tolerable. After a moment, he nodded. "Okay. But just to warn you, I eat a whole lot, so I hope you brought plenty of money."
Gon's smile lit up the entire world. "Just what I'd expect from Killua's brother. Let's go!" With that, he took off at a run, Kalluto close behind, smiling for the first time in a very long time.