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Wooyoung considers this to be the hardest part of any day of the week. It’s more difficult than the long, grueling hours of intense dance practice or the monthly evaluation day that makes him pull his hair out in the stress of failing it. No, this is certainly more challenging than re-recording the same, singular verse for Edenary because it simply did not sound right (even if they remained in the studio well after hours).
It’s here, sitting between his two loving hyungs, Seonghwa and Hongjoong, and staring down tonight’s meal. Seonghwa had made it this evening, and he certainly intends to ensure it ends up and stays in Wooyoung’s stomach and is not tossed in the trash or thrown up into a toilet.
On the stark white plate lies half a serving of lightly seasoned chicken, a handful of green beans, and a scoop of warm, homemade mashed potatoes. None of the food touches each other—that was a strict request from Wooyoung himself.
When it came to the mashed potatoes, Wooyoung was in near tears begging Seonghwa to skip the gravy; he thinks he’ll be in too much of a panic to eat anything knowing how much fat is in sauce. Seonghwa agrees under the condition that Wooyoung finishes his entire plate.
He was usually granted a get-out-of-jail-free card on one side dish, where he’d be allowed to eat three-quarters of the proposed portion; he was never allowed to skip out on the main course unless it encompasses the entire meal, like a warm bowl of soup or pasta-based dish.
He uses the card every meal like a safety crutch. The only reason why Hongjoong and Seonghwa allow it is that they know without it, Wooyoung would feel too trapped and overwhelmed to eat anything. As much as they held a good chunk of control of Wooyoung’s diet, they still want to give him some freedom of choice. After all, they can’t look after him forever.
Yet, today, it’s Wooyoung’s first time eating the entire dish under his hyungs’ supervision. He sits there wringing his fingers, anxious about consuming the meal in front of him. The plate was to be as empty as possible by the end of dinner, and even if it was a mere fraction of what the others usually ate, the feat was a large one to Wooyoung. He suspects it’ll be the visual of having a genuine empty plate that will make him spiral, but Hongjoong and Seonghwa remind him that he is brave and capable of achieving an empty plate without going into a complete nervous breakdown. Wooyoung’s not sure if this will be the case in the end, but he wants to at least try. It was better than a few months ago when he didn’t try at all.
Hongjoong lightly grasps one of his wrists and pulls it gently toward himself. He kisses his knuckles and rubs his hand. “You can do it, ‘Youngie.”
Wooyoung audibly gulps. His toes curl against the dining room tile, and he feels restless in his body. Every part of him wants to run away—he wants to make a break for it to his room and stay in there forever. He knows he can’t, and, having changed his living situation to be kept under his hyungs’ eyes, they would have to come in at some point one way or another.
Seonghwa places a hand on his back and rubs gentle, slow circles. He sighs lightly. “Let’s start with the green beans, hm? They’re only salted, and not buttered, I promise.”
Wooyoung nods shakily. Using the hand that Hongjoong isn’t holding in support, he picks up a singular semi-limp green bean. Seonghwa tells the truth when he can’t feel any sort of oil or slide to the vegetable; it’s still hard but not raw. Wooyoung can’t stand mushy green beans since it’s harder to detect if anything was added to them without tasting them, and raw green beans upset his stomach. The in-between is the only type he can consume comfortably.
He slowly brings it to his mouth. His hand trembles slightly, but that’s expected. The first bite is always the most challenging one.
Static encompasses his hearing and his heart rate increases; the pitter-patter travels to his veins and fills his senses. His body is going into fight or flight mode all because of a singular green bean. It feels pathetic to Wooyoung.
When it touches his lips, he physically recoils but is met with Seonghwa’s soft, but stern hand pushing against his back. It’s a firm reminder that Wooyoung won’t be leaving the dinner table until he’s finished his plate.
He tries again, this time parting them slightly. Wooyoung scrunches his eyes shut and refrains from letting out a sob when he bites down on the end of the green bean. Chewing it, he can feel every piece grind against his teeth and spread against his tongue. If Wooyoung didn’t know any better, he’d think he was ingesting poison.
When he manages to swallow his bite, Hongjoong kisses his temple and whispers ‘good job, aegi.’ A tear slips from Wooyoung’s eye, but he brushes it away with his sleeve. It’s less about not necessarily wanting to eat (though, that’s essentially what he had been doing prior to his hyungs finding him bent over the toilet one night with his fingers down his throat) but the amount of energy it takes to get him to eat. He’s only half a green bean in and he feels like he could collapse at any moment.
The next bite goes smoother. It usually always does. He manages to swallow without another tear.
“C-Could you t-talk?” Wooyoung asks quietly. The silence is killing him—he’s not sure if he’ll be able to handle hearing his chewing for every bite he takes.
Hongjoong immediately goes to tell him about his day as Wooyoung reluctantly picks up another green bean. He tells him about how producing went today with Maddox and Eden. They’re working on their next title track without much trouble. It’s practically done as well, Hongjoong just needs to assign the lines.
Wooyoung continues listening and nibbling on his green beans until he reaches for another one and is met with nothing. Looking back at the plate for the first time since the beginning vegetable, he’s met with a third of it being emptied out.
A pang of guilt rings through him, but it’s quickly extinguished with the praise both Hongjoong and Seonghwa deliver.
“Good job, Wooyoungie!” Seonghwa congratulates him. It’s not an empty statement, and it’s less patronizing than it should feel to Wooyoung. It’s genuine, even if he’s being praised for eating a few green beans. He appreciates his hyung’s support.
Hongjoong chimes in. “Look at you go. Didn’t even notice you finished them. You’re almost done.” He kisses his temple.
Wooyoung nods and inhales sharply. He always leaves the more caloric-valued foods for last. They’re more intimidating, and no matter how many times he eats the same meals, it doesn’t feel like the anticipatory anxiety leaves.
Picking up his fork, he also grabs his knife to begin cutting up the meat into bite-sized portions. It bought him time from not eating it just yet, but it also helped him gauge just how much he has to eat.
He takes alternating bites between chicken and mashed potatoes. Every now and then, he takes sips of water to give him time to adjust. With the heavier items, he feels more of a need to throw up so he drinks water to keep it down even if it’s essentially only adding more weight to his stomach. It’s soothing, in a way.
Wooyoung decides he can’t possibly continue when there are about six bites left total on the plate. His stomach feels off and he’s trembling more and more as he continues. He looks up to Seonghwa almost pleading with him to let it go this once, but Wooyoung knows he’s relentless.
Seonghwa shakes his head. “You need to finish all of it, Wooyoung. That’s what we settled on when you didn’t want gravy.”
Wooyoung diverts his eyes from the other and turns back to his plate. “I—I can’t.” He says quietly. “Please, Seonghwa, I really—”
Hongjoong hushes him and instead takes his fork and stabs another piece of chicken. “Would it help if I fed you?”
Wooyoung looks at the fork in his hand. He thinks to himself for a moment. If he were to let Hongjoong take over, Wooyoung wouldn’t have to worry about accidentally dropping his utensil or the constant strain of forcing his body to eat when it doesn’t want to. Sure, he finds it to be a bit patronizing—who wouldn’t? Yet, it seems to be the best option given that neither one—mostly Seonghwa—is going to let him leave until that plate is squeaky clean.
He nods to Hongjoong and opens his mouth slightly. Wooyoung closes his eyes as the next piece of meat is placed on his tongue. When he bites down, he can’t help but shiver and jolt. Seonghwa keeps that firm hand on his back, and he manages to chew and swallow and be ready for the next piece Hongjoong offers him.
Hongjoong and Wooyoung repeat the process over and over again; Wooyoung doesn’t even think about opening his eyes to see how much of the plate is left. He only wines softly to Seonghwa for water and Hongjoong allows him a break before checking in with him and setting the next bite for him.
He knows it's over when Hongjoong doesn’t have the next bite ready. It felt like they had been sitting there for mere hours, especially with these last six bites. It couldn’t have been more than thirty minutes, but it’ll be another thirty until Wooyoung is allowed to be let out of either one of his hyungs’ sight to ensure that he doesn’t book it to the bathroom to puke his guts out. They had caught him doing so at the beginning of his monitoring, and since then they had gone by these standards for his own safety. Today, though, Wooyoung has a feeling he’ll be escorted given the changed circumstances of tonight’s dinner.
Wooyoung doesn’t budge from the table. He’s still got his eyes closed—he isn’t sure if he can handle taking a peek at his first clean plate. Seonghwa gathers as much and silently takes it away, allowing Wooyoung to lean into Hongjoong, who wraps his arm around his shoulder and whispers kind things into the other’s ear.
When Seonghwa returns, Wooyoung is taking deep breaths, following Hongjoong’s own pattern to prevent any slip-ups. Wooyoung winces when he opens his eyes to the bright dining room overhead light. Seonghwa and Hongjoong acknowledge that he’s doing better than they had initially thought he would have now having finished his first plate.
Hongjoong offers Wooyoung some stability when getting up, to which Wooyoung graciously accepts, not at all believing that his legs could carry his newfound weight in his stomach. It might not be much to the other members who tend to eat bigger portions; portions that will suffice for people who train every day for hours on end; but it’s a lot to Wooyoung. Wooyoung doesn’t necessarily feel like he’s accomplished anything, but Seonghwa and Hongjoong treat it as if he’s won an award. It’s comforting, in a way, to have them support him as much as they do.
It isn’t to say that the other members don’t, but it isn’t every dinner that they sit down and ensure Wooyoung eats his share of the chosen meal. They start each dinner with everyone around (that is, if everyone’s schedule lines up and they’re up to it) and often end with Wooyoung needing either both or one of his hyungs to assist him with the bulk of his plate. It was an upgrade from the time Wooyoung absolutely refused to eat anything in front of anyone; he got so anxious thinking that others were watching him eat that he managed to throw up straight bile from the thought of it.
However, those days remain in the past. Now, the three of them gather in the living room. Seonghwa passes the remote to Wooyoung to pick something to watch as a reward and Hongjoong texts on his phone. Wooyoung knows it's to let the others know that he’s done eating, but he doesn’t mind it when Mingi rushes in and calls the spot next to him so that they could snuggle during the film.
San slides into the other side of him, slotting himself perfectly into his side as he kisses his cheek over and over again. Yeosang tucks himself next to Wooyoung’s leg on the floor. Jongho does the same on the other end. The two of them loved the floor seats even when there were two other couches ready to be sat on.
Seonghwa and Hongjoong sit on the other couch. They know they’re fine to leave when Wooyoung signals that he’s okay squished between the duo. Yunho is the last to arrive having just exited the shower and he’s beckoned by Seonghwa and Hongjoong. The three of them cuddle on the other sofa.
Wooyoung starts the movie and leans back into both Mingi and San.
Granted, Wooyoung still had a long way to go in his recovery. There’ll be plenty of ups and downs. Yet, today, he’s one step forward to adopting healthier eating habits and a better relationship with food. Today, he emptied his plate.