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Anyone walking through the school grounds of shiz with a brain cell could tell that I’m not in the mood to talk.
Usually during these moments I would care that people are staring at me, or that people could tell I’m not alright. But right now I don’t feel enough control over myself to even pull a shred of myself together.
Most of the campus students assume that I’m upset that today of all days of the year, Fyerio, my beard, must have forgotten what today is. He probably has as he is shallower than a rock, but I don’t care. Valentines day. Stupid Valentine's day. What’s the point of the stupid day if I can’t even spend it with my Elphie, my actual lover.
Speaking of Elphaba, I want to tear my golden locks out because I haven't been able to find her. All. Day.
What doesn’t help is that I have been having a massive build up of anxiety this whole week and I’ve been more on edge with all this parading around of romance that reminds me that people hate the existence of people like me.
And it would be great if the oxygen entering my lungs didn’t feel useless and my mind would just shut up.
Which is why I need to find Elphie before I have a hysterical breakdown that I can barely get through on my own.
This holiday hasn’t even become a tradition until the wizard came to Oz, but now people have decided that today of all days is the only day to celebrate their love. I want to celebrate with Elphie of course but that sort of thing doesn’t work when you can’t find the person you’re looking for in the first place. And of course I’m on the verge of losing control over my thoughts.
I turn a corner around the art building and continue shakily walking down to the history block. I can feel the view of awe struck lovers turning their heads and staring at me shocked. No one in shiz had seen me like this before. Elphie’s usually around and I don’t have to go looking for her, but today of all days had to be the case.
Everything just has had to build up on me this week and not being able to find Elphaba today has been my tipping point. I’ve had loads of assignments to work on, Madame Morrible has given me these spells that I cannot master, people have been becoming more suspicious of the status of mine and Elphaba’s relationship, my parents want to come visit next month, Pafenne and Shensen have been tormenting Elphaba and I a lot more than usual, and all I really want to do is finally sit down and lay my head on Elphaba’s shoulder for some kind of stability and support.
I reach the history block and shakily race up the steps to the building Doctor Dillamond has his lessons in and speed walk to the only logical place in the building Elphaba would be.
I reach for the door handle but my mind of course at this moment floods with thoughts and instead I slide down against the wall of the floor and I start shaking more violently than before. The silence in these halls rings but internally my mind is screaming.
How am I stupid enough to believe that I can survive in this world while being homosexual? Will I always have to hide? How disappointed would my parents be if they knew? How can I even think I’d succeed in life if I can’t simply just be myself out there or do a few assignments that didn’t fit into my schedule? Why am I being so over dramatic?
This world isn’t made for outcasts like me. Why is there so much wrong with me? Why can’t I be normal? What if people find out? Will everyone hate me? Would my parents disown me? Would everyone I know disown me?
Would people kill me?
Why can’t I be normal? WHY can’t I be normal? Why can’t I get any of this right why- WHY?! They’re all going to kill me when they find out.
They’re all going to- They are all going to- Nothing is in my control I can’t breathe- I can’t breathe- I can’t breathe. They’ll kill me- They’ll kill me-
I’m going to die-
I- I’m
Going
To
Die-
“Glinda! I didn’t expect you to be here-” Elphaba pauses as soon as I take in a shaky gasp of air. I try to focus on her as she sits down in front of me and grabs one of my shaking hands but I can’t focus. My eyes dart around the room. I know something’s going to happen. I just know it.
Someone’s going to find out and they’re all going to kill me, or hate, or something. It’s not going to be good. I don’t know anything. I have no control, not even over my stupid breathing or my stupid mind. I’m going to- I’m going to die.
“Glin come on, I’m right here, nothing bad is going to happen. Come on, breathe in and out.” How does she know if she’ll always be here, I couldn’t find her all Ozma-Damned day. If I’m dead she can’t be there for me. They’re going to find out-
“Glinda.” She grabbed my other hand. “If you’re not going to focus on breathing with me, you’re not going to snap out of your thoughts. Come on, 1, 2, 3..” I force myself to listen. My mind tears and screams at me. But I continue listening to Elphie. “Breathe through your nose, Glin.” I listen to her again and squeeze her hands. I reel back into panic and almost fall back into gasping for air but I finally look up at Elphie’s bronze eyes full of concern and I focus on those instead of listening to the thoughts pouring in the back of my head. My breathing finally evens out and the thoughts disperse.
Elphaba lets out a sigh of relief and lets go of hands just to sit next me against the wall and then wrap an arm around my shoulders. Finally relaxing for the first time in a week, I put my head on her shoulder for the support I’ve been craving and we sat in silence until I finally started to speak.
“A lot has been on my mind this week.” She pulls me closer. “There's not much reason to be over dramatic, it's just school stuff and you know..” I close my eyes and wrap my arms around her waist. I'm tired of this. I’m sick of hiding myself, of struggling to breathe, of trying to be perfect, and of not being me.
“How many times I have told you, your attacks aren’t just you being over dramatic Glin. You can’t control them just as much as you can’t control other people.” She sighs and I open my eyes as I feel her drawing little circles on my arm with her finger.
“I.. I know, it’s just. I’ve dealt with this for as long as I can remember. It’s become such a normal part of me that I never thought it was something other people didn’t go through. Then when I learned that other people- normal people don’t go through it and I- you know..” I stare at the ground, this should be valentine's day. A day to celebrate love and I’m ruining it, I should be happy today but I can’t. Not when my whole existence is just the breaking of social norms too dangerous to break.
“Glinda, no one's perfect, and no one’s ‘normal’. You’re a person just like everyone else, no matter how much we all try to blend in and be like one another, we’re all different in our own ways. You’re not a magical exception just because everyone expects more of you.” She speaks softly and I appreciate it, loud noises spring my anxiety back up as we’ve both come to learn.
“I know. It’s just going to take me a while to believe it. I trust and believe you but I just don’t feel it yet.” The only response I get is Elphie pulling me somehow even closer and giving me a kiss on the forehead.
“So. You were looking for me, weren’t you?”
“Yes. And you were harder to find than a Ozma!” I can’t really see her face but I can already tell her one of her eyebrows just rose and she has a ridiculously cute smirk on her face.
“To be fair I have a reason.” I huff in response, crossing my arms. “Come on, Glin.” She stands up and helps me to my feet, I hold her hand and follow her into the one place you’ll find her if she’s not in the campus library.
The history block’s library.
I look around and realize it’s dark out, as there’s no light coming from the windows. I rather was in mass hysteria for a long while or was too out of it to even notice that I spent an hour or two searching campus for Elphaba.
There are candles all around the room for lighting instead of traditional lamps used commonly at shiz. There's a blanket in the middle of the room with a basket and a wrapped present next to it. It takes me a quick moment to process all of this in the room. It looks like a literal scene from a romance movie, but it’s less extravagant and more peaceful, as if the candles are all just little stars. It’s all wonderful and the fact she did this all for me-
“It did take a bit of persuasion skills, but I convinced Doctor Dillamond to let me sort of borrow the entire building for the day. He doesn’t need it anyway. I know this isn’t perfect or anything but I wanted to do something special for you without pressuring you to go out on a date in public when I know you’re not ready for that. I’m sorry if I worried you earlier by disappearing suddenly, and I’m sorry that this isn’t perfect. You deserve the world and I-” I shut her by grabbing her by her shoulders and pulling her lips against mine, before she can talk negatively of herself as she was starting to do. It’s sweet and I cherish the feeling of her soft lips on mine and we pull apart slower than we came together. Looking up at her I can tell by the darker shade of green her pretty face turned, my tactics worked.
I let out a soft giggle at how flustered she is. I grab her hand and pull her to the blanket and sit down next to her. I can feel the silence building up as she waits for me to say something, but there's so much to say. I stare at all the candles around the library like little stars and I find that if I look into her eyes staring at me I might become the flustered mess she is or not be entirely honest.
“Elphie, this- Is amazing. You out of all people I would expect to hate a day like this, yet you just went out of your way to do all of this for me. You thought this through and did this for me. I wouldn’t even mind whatever we’re doing. I love this- and you.” I let the last words slip out as I turn to look her in the eyes, and my face heats up once I realize what words I just said.
Elphaba stares at me in shock and her face is an entirely darker shade of green. Her eyes soften and tears form in her eyes. My brain spirals, was this too early? Does she not love me back? I-
My thoughts shut up as I feel her hand on my cheek. And she softly caresses my face with her thumb.
“Glin, my sweet, breathe.” Right. I took a breath realizing I had stopped breathing for a tick tock there.
“I love you too Glinda.” My face feels hot but before I can get a word out this time she put her lips on mine. The silence rings but for once It’s alright. Maybe these norms are too dangerous to break. But in the silence maybe it is alright. With Elphaba it’s alright. It’s the sweet silence of breaking norms.
She pulls away and I feel the temptation to protest but I know I’m too tired for that. I move and put my head on her lap. I murmur something about not want to move to Elphaba and close my eyes, finally relaxing.
“Glinda?”
“Hm?”
“I got something for you, do you want to open it?” She speaks softly and I appreciate it so much. But I do internally groan at the thought of moving.
“Later, I’m comfy right here Elphie.” My words sound incomprehensible to me but Elphaba understands every single word and chuckles softy.
“Am I now your personal pillow?” She smirks but I take it seriously for the fun of it.
“Always.” We continue on, both quietly laughing, giggling, sharing soft kisses, and talking through the sweet silence.