Archive of Our Own

Fallen autumn leaves crunch beneath Charlie's feet as he walks on grassy earth. He's in a graveyard looking for a particular headstone, with a special person's name on it.

Charlie can remember where his boyfriend was buried. He remembers the day he watched Nick, sealed in a casket, being slowly lowered into the ground. No one could forget stuff like that - especially if it just happened not long ago.

He wishes, he could erase that memory from his mind.

He wishes, he could erase this whole thing from his mind.

He wishes, that this situation could be gone from his mind.

He nears the end of a row of graves and spots a familiar headstone, with an even more familiar name on it. Charlie looks at what is engraved on the stone.

A pit grows in Charlie's stomach as the reality of his whereabouts settles in. He's here, actually here, after 9 months. He finally got the courage to show up to see Nick.

Charlie remembers the small bouquet of flowers he was carrying on his way to Nick's grave, and leaves it perched at the base of the headstone. He also notices some dirt stuck on the face of the stone, using his sleeve to wipe it off.

Taking a step back, Charlie closes his eyes, and takes a moment to gather himself and his surroundings. It's peaceful. Quiet. He can feel a slight breeze every now and then, carrying leaves as he hears them tumble and scrape along the cement pathway nearby. He can feel the crisp cool air hit his face, nipping at the exposed skin. He can feel his breathing, deep and deliberate, as he mentally prepares himself at this special visit.

Other than that, he's alone in his solitude - a feeling that he's been forced to process for the past several months.

When he opens his eyes, the first thing he sees is his boyfriend's name on his headstone, staring back at him.

To him, it's a reminder, a statement of a fact; for the world is now shown that Nicholas Nelson rests here. That Nicholas Nelson has died.

Nicholas Nelson, a loving son, a high school rugby king, and most importantly, a deeply-loving boyfriend, is buried here at this grave.

It makes Charlie bitter, knowing that's how this scene is supposed to be; coincidentally, also set in stone.

Charlie takes a deep breath before he starts speaking.

"Hi Nick," Charlie says.

He pauses, half-expecting a reply to his greeting. He continues after a short while.

"Sorry it took so long for me to finally visit. I can't bear to see you like this. But, I've finally decided that I should probably pay you a visit, because I'd probably be a bad boyfriend if I didn't visit my dead partner's grave!"

He awkwardly chuckles after finishing that sentence.

"I suppose I should update you on everything that's happened since you uh... got shoved in a box and lowered into the ground, so let me catch you up on what's happened so far..."

He takes a moment to recall the first thing on his mind.

"I'm taking the semester off at my university. I think it's safe to say that I'm not in the right headspace to be worrying about academics now. Don't worry, I do plan on going back soon - just not now, I can't focus on papers in this state of mind. Although, dropping out does seem like a great plan at this point in time..."

He then remembers about his brother, Ollie, with his new schooling milestone.

"Oh right, speaking of school; Ollie just started Year 6. Even at ten, he's starting to catch up to me in height. It's almost as if he's hit an early growth spurt or something... I wish you were here to see it happen in real-time, he's growing so fast!"

Tori pops up next in Charlie's thoughts.

"Tori is fine, I think. You know her; off in her own world, resting bitchface and all... She's helped me loads these past several months since you... well, yknow. But she's doing fine. I think..."

He continues on with Nick's mother.

"I've been visiting your mother a lot lately. She's been trying her best to process you being gone; I honestly can't say how she's keeping it together. Every time I visit, the house just keeps getting into a little more disarray. I don't blame her. Don't worry - she still remembers to take care of Nellie! Oh, and speaking of Nellie, they're doing okay for the most part. Nellie was very confused after she couldn't find you around the house anymore, though."

He mentions the squad of friends.

"My biggest support group out of all of this is our friends. The squad has been a great support towards me, and I try to pay it back by being a support to them as well. I'll be honest, after you left, it's been awkward not having you around in our hangout circle. Everybody grieved in their own ways, and at this moment, it looks like they're doing okay. I can tell though - even the way they look at me, there's a look of pity in their eyes. Part of me is tired of seeing it, but another part of me should be grateful that I'm still being looked after and cared about. "

And finally, the elephant in the room.

"Last month they finally sentenced the drunken twat who ran you over. So, congrats, you dont have to come back as a ghost to avenge your death or something, because you got justice!"

Another awkward chuckle. He continues on.

"I was there at the sentencing hearing. They're getting life imprisonment. Serves 'em right too; the twat had wayyy over the legal limit to be driving. Honestly? He can rot in prison for all I care. I know, I know it's harsh of me to say, but you're gone and everyone has to deal with it so ... fuck it."

Charlie pauses momentarily. He gathers his thoughts as best as he can before speaking again.

"So how am I doing? Um... would you believe me if I said I'm doing absolutely fine and nothing is wrong? No? Yeah okay, that's fair..."

"Look, Nick, I'm not going to lie. I've missed you so much since you've been gone. Everyday I've been feeling so... lost and out of it without you being around me. I'm just so... confused? I know you're like, dead and stuff, but there's a part of me that thinks you'll be there to reply to my questions, or send me a message, or even send me a snap on my phone! And then... it just doesn't happen. Nothing ever comes from you anymore."

"I look at our photos. I look at the last text you sent me - you should have gone with the green shirt, by the way - I look at your Instagram and... it's just stuck in time. Everything just seems so... unfinished, like you're going to come back to it and work on it a little more. But I know that's not going to happen..."

Charlie's breath hitches.

"Nick, it's been really hard trying to go about my days without you. I fucking miss you. I've been struggling with just functioning even after all this time. It feels like everyone has moved on or figured out a way to manage themselves and here I am, feeling left behind. It was a damn miracle I even got out of bed today. I did though, because I really wanted to see you."

"I nearly had to go to A&E again. I'm sorry, Nick. You and the whole, "being dead" thing really kicked up some horrible thoughts... and you weren't there to help me! Because you're fucking dead! I could have died too, yknow! What was the point of existing anyways when all you felt was nothing and pain - with nothing in between? Some days, it just felt better to just off myself; at least it would stop me from suffering. Do you have any idea what you've done to me? I'm all fucking alone because you're not here and because you're fucking dead!"

Charlie's voice echoes out across the field. The only replies he gets to his questions are the rebounds of his own voice.

He then calms down and slows his breathing again. Tears are running down his cheeks.

"Sorry. I- I shouldn't blame you for any of that. It's not your fault you're dead that's- I don't know what I'm thinking, to be honest... I- fuck, I'm sorry..."

"I don't know what to do, Nick. God I just- I just wish you were still here... At least you'd know what to do in this situation..."

Charlie sniffles, and takes a couple more breaths.

"I wish... I could listen to your voice again. I wish... I could look into those brown eyes of yours. I wish... I could feel your warmth when we cuddle. I wish... I could smell your hair and its lovely scent after it's washed."

"I wish... you weren't dead, and you were still here, right beside me, and we'd probably be at my dorm, having a hot steamy make-out session or watching a Marvel movie..."

"I wish this nightmare would be over..."

Charlie tries to fight back more tears, looking up at the sky in an attempt.

"Fuck, Nick... I wish you were here... I'm scared, Nick. I really don't want to forget you. The way you smell, the way you look, the way you talk... What happens if I forget your name one day? I can't do that to you..."

"I'm trying to move on with my life, but I don't think I really moved at all in the first place. I don't think I'll ever fully move on from this. But I guess that's normal? Nobody really gets over people's deaths, right? They just learn to live with it, right?"

"Well, I'm trying to live with it, and I think I'm failing miserably."

Charlie stands there, looking at Nick's name on the headstone. Once again, it stares back at him.

"There was some dirt on your headstone, I had to brush it off. I'm surprised how nature is trying to cover you up in such a short amount of time... See? Even the world wants to forget you - even where you're buried..."

A thought appears in Charlie's head.

"Well, what if I care for your headstone in the meantime? I'll make sure to come back every now and then to make sure it's as clean as the day we shoved you in the ground. It's the least I can do, really."

He doesn't get a reply to his question.

"It's a game plan for now, I guess. Something to keep me going in the short-term."

Charlie wipes away his tears as best as he can. His breathing has returned to normal. He closes his eyes to feel his surroundings. This time, he can feel a warmth on his cheek, and the feeling of someone latching around him. He's not sure if his mind is paying into his wishful thinking, or if he can actually feel Nick's spirit around him.

He doesn't care what the answer is - it's comforting to him and that's all that matters.

After he opens his eyes, he moves closer to the headstone, faces the part where Nick's name is engraved, and blows a kiss towards it.

"Bye for now, Nick. I'll be back soon to check up on the place. I love you."

As he turns and walks away, the slight breeze blows through again, bringing up leaves and moving them along.

Charlie thinks he can hear the faintest, "I love you", amongst the sound of the wind.