Chapter Text
Stanley: Two brooooos!
Narrator: Chillin' in a hot tub!
Stanley: Five feet apart 'cause we're not gay!
Narrator:
Stanley:
Narrator: *tearing up*
Stanley: Babe, c'mon...
Narrator: AND HERE YOU REALLY HAD ME THINKING WE HAD SOMETHING.
Stanley: Babe...
—-
Narrator: How are you today?
Stanley: Please don’t make me think about my life.
—-
Narrator: Everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public.
Stanley: The whole “childhood wonder” stage just blew right past you, didn’t it?
—-
Narrator: I sort of did something and I need some advice, but I don't want a lot of judgment and criticism.
Stanley: And you came to me?
—-
Narrator: Just be yourself. Say something nice.
Stanley: Which one? I can't do both.
(the fact that this could be either of them and it would still work-)
—-
Narrator: Can I ask you for a favor?
Stanley: I would literally die for you, but continue. (Hah, yeah multiple times)
Narrator: We need to talk about you starting sentences that way.
—-
Stanley: honk.
Narrator: WHAT.
Stanley: HONK.
Narrator: WHAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME YOU WHIMSICAL PIECE OF SHIT?????
—-
Stanley: Okay, help me, please!
Narrator: Got two words for you.
Stanley: I bet they won't be helpful.
Narrator: Your problem.
Stanley: I was right.
(The whole game in a nutshell)
—-
Stanley: I'm going the fight the next person who insults Narrator.
Narrator: I hate myself.
Stanley: Alright, square up.
—-
Stanley: Are you coming to bed?
Narrator: I can't. This is important.
Stanley: What?
Narrator: Someone is wrong on the internet.
—-
Stanley: What’s up? I’m back.
Narrator: I literally saw you die. You died. You were dead
Stanley: Death is a social construct.
—-
Stanley with a gun to Narrator's head: What happens if I pull this trigger? Heaven?
Narrator: Bold of you to assume I'll go to Heaven.
—-
Stanley: Narrator, you need to calm down.
Also, Stanley, slamming their fists on the table: HOW CAN IT BE "BIRTHDAY CAKE" FLAVOR IF A BIRTHDAY CAKE CAN BE ANY FLAVOR?!
—-
Narrator: I've been expecting you, Stanley
Stanley: How did you do that without turning around?
Narrator: Let's just say the first few people I did that to were not you.
—-
Narrator: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.
Stanley: Mine just says “Stanley no.”
Narrator: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.
—-
Stanley: I know this isn’t going to end well and I don’t care. So don’t you try and stop me, Narrator!
Narrator: I wasn’t stopping you. I was asking if you had a spare camera so I can record this.
—-
Stanley: I’m scared that when you become rich and famous you’ll be embarrassed by me.
Narrator: Oh Stanley, I’m already embarrassed by you.
—-
Narrator: Stanley is playing hard to get.
Narrator: Little do they know, I'm a master at playing hard to get rid of.
—-
Narrator: Do you ever wonder why you're still single?
Stanley, eating mayonnaise straight out of the jar with a spoon: Yeah... I mean, I'm perfect! Who wouldn't want to date me?
Narrator, sighing: I can name a few people…
—-
Narrator: How would you like your coffee?
Stanley: As dark as my soul.
Narrator: Got it, one cup of milk coming right up!
—-
Stanley: I baked you a pie!
Narrator: Really?! What flavor?
Stanley: *pulls gun out of the pie* DEATH!
—-
Stanley: Here’s the cold medicine you asked for.
Stanley: *dumps 3 shopping bags of wine on the table*
Narrator: ...Thanks.
—-
Stanley: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I’ll wait.
Narrator: You and me!
Stanley: *tearing up* Ok.
—-
Stanley: What do I get?
Narrator: A night of fashion, mischief, mayhem, and possible death.
Stanley: Ooh, check, check, and check; not sure about that last one.
Narrator: It won't be you.
Stanley: I'll get my coat.
—-
Narrator: Hey Stanley, do you wanna help us?
Stanley: Oh, I would... but I don’t want to.
—-
Narrator: Damn, the power went out.
Stanley: Don’t worry, I got this.
Stanley: *shakes rapidly and starts to light up*
Narrator: What-?
Stanley: I swallowed a glow stick!
Narrator, on the verge of tears: WHY WOULD YOU-
—-
Narrator: Do you want some tea?
Stanley: What are the options?
Narrator: Yes or no.
—-
Narrator: What are you doing here?
Stanley: I could ask you the same question.
Narrator: I live here. This is my house.
Stanley: I should probably ask you a different question.
—-
Stanley: We both look very handsome tonight.
Narrator: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you."
Stanley: I couldn't take that chance.
—-
Stanley: Silence is golden.
Narrator: Duct tape is silver.
—-
Stanley: You read my diary?
Narrator: At first I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.
—-
Stanley: You’ve got to learn to love yourself.
Narrator: But don't you hate yourself.
Stanley: Yeah, but this is about you. Stay focused.
—-
Narrator: Can you keep a secret?
Stanley: Well, I'm good until I meet the next person.
—-
Stanley: Where are your parents?
Narrator: What are parents?
Stanley: That’s just about the saddest thing I've ever heard.
—-
Narrator: If I may interject...
Stanley: Oh, awesome, Narrator was eavesdropping.
—-
Narrator: Vegetable oil is made from vegetables, coconut oil is made from coconuts, so BABY OIL-
Stanley: CAN'T WE JUST HAVE A NICE FAMILY DINNER FOR ONCE?!
—-
Narrator: Watcha doin?
Stanley: Stealing my neighbor’s cat.
Narrator: Scandalous.
Narrator: Can I help?
—-
Narrator, at Stanley’s funeral: I need a moment with them.
Everyone else at the funeral: Of course. *leaves*
Narrator, leaning over Stanley’s coffin: Okay, listen here you little shit. I know you’re not dead.
Stanley, sitting up in the coffin: Yeah, no shit.
—-
Stanley: I have an idea.
Narrator: A good idea?
Stanley: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
—-
Narrator: Thought I was meowing back at my cat for the past hour, but it was just me and Stanley meowing at each other from different rooms in the house.
—-
Stanley: Narrator, remember when you said you weren’t going to interfere with my love life?
Narrator: No, that doesn’t sound like me at all.
—-
Narrator: So what do you have planned for the future?
Stanley: Lunch.
Narrator: No, like long term.
Stanley: Oh...um, dinner?
—-
Narrator: How’s practice going?
Stanley: Terrible. I want to stab everybody there.
Narrator: Okay, just don’t get any blood on your clothes.
Stanley: …you shouldn’t be condoning this.
Narrator: Don’t tell me how to live my life.
—-
Narrator: When I said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a conch shell!
Stanley: *Struggling to hold a seagull* Fucking say that next time!
—-
Stanley: We have fun, don’t we, Narrator?
Narrator: I have never been more stressed out in my entire life.
—-
Narrator: Stanley! This soup is flaccid!
Stanley: LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN?!
—-
Stanley: You remind me of the ocean.
Narrator: Because I'm deep and mysterious?
Stanley: No, because you're full of salt and you scare people.
—-
Narrator: Hey Stanley, do you have any hobbies?
Stanley: Swimming..
Narrator: Really? That’s cool. I never expected you to-
Stanley: In a pool of self-hatred and regret.
—-
Narrator: Dammit, Stanley, you ruined everything!
Stanley: You’re welcome.
—-
Narrator: When surrendering, Stanley is to hand the sword over HILT first.
—-
Narrator: You made enough pasta that you could take it to lunch tomorrow. Put it in a container.
Stanley: Shovel the pasta into your face. Do it. Put it in your face. The future is meaningless but the pasta is now.
—-
Narrator: Did you have to stab them?
Stanley: You weren’t there. You didn’t hear what they said to me.
Narrator: What did they say?
Stanley: "What are you going to do, stab me?"
Narrator: That’s fair.
—-
Narrator: *running towards Stanley with open arms*
Stanley: *moves out of the way*
Narrator: Hey, why'd you move?!
Stanley: I thought you were going to attack me.
Narrator: I was going to hug you!
Stanley: Why would you hug me?
Narrator: WHY WOULD I ATTACK YOU!?
—-
Stanley: *About to do something incredibly stupid*
Narrator: I know I can't stop you, but I won't let you go by yourself.
—-
Narrator: Stanley has discovered "deez nuts" jokes and it's all they say now. Everything is deez nuts. They simply can't stop.
Narrator: I asked Stanley where they learned that joke. They made me promise they wouldn't get in trouble if they told me. I agreed.
Narrator: So they lean in and whisper, "deez nuts."
—-
Narrator: I love hearing Stanley shouting at someone else. It makes such a nice change.
—-
Narrator: Can I have some water?
Stanley: *starts chugging their water bottle*
Stanley: *chokes from drinking too fast*
Stanley: *spills water all over themself*
Stanley, coughing: I don't have any water.
—-
Narrator: Yeah, I don’t like people.
Stanley: Oh, well now that’s not fair Narrator. Have you met all of them?
Narrator: I’ve met enough of them. People. What a bunch of bastards!
—-
Narrator: What's gone wrong, Stanley?
Stanley: Hey! That’s one hell of a thing to say to a person. Just because I’m calling doesn’t mean there’s a crisis.
Narrator: That’s technically true, I suppose. Why are you calling?
Stanley: Well... There’s a crisis.
—-
Narrator: Love makes people do stupid things.
Stanley: I love everything!
Narrator: That explains a lot.
—-
Stanley: The stars are so beautiful...
Narrator: They're just giant balls of gas.
Stanley: You know what, if you're just going to ruin this, then-
Narrator: And yet none of them are as huge as my love for you.
Stanley: Oh...
—-
Stanley: You know you've made it when you see your picture everywhere you go.
Narrator: Those are wanted posters!