Archive of Our Own

Masks On, Dicks Out

It was a lazy evening after dinner one school night in the late spring. It was raining outside, but the patter of rain was deafened by the television in the main room of the Tendo home. 

Around the table, Kasumi, Akane, and Nodoka Saotome sat watching a variety show and drinking tea as a segment on animals doing cute things was commented over by a panel of comedians, tv actors, and idols. Nearby, lounging on the floor Ranma leaned back and was reading a book while Nabiki flipped through a magazine, occasionally pausing to write in a small black notebook.  

Along the side of the room, at a seemingly everpresent shogi board sat the ostensible patriarchs of both families: Soun Tendo, chin rested on one hand as he scratched his mustache with the other, and Genma Saotome, sipping on a cup of warmed sake and smirking.  

"Seems I finally got you cornered, eh Tendo?" Genma chuckled softly as he took a sip of his drink. 

"Hmm... I don't quite think so!" Soun smirked as he move one of his Silver Generals. "That is check, old friend." 

Genma choked a bit, causing him to cough as the alcohol went down his windpipe.  

"Dear, please don't kill yourself over your poor strategy... or shoddy table manners," Nodoka chided.  

Genma grumbled as he now was lost in thought, his king cornered.  

"And now on the program! A new trend has been sweeping the nation! As part of an effort to promote prefectural tourism across the country, prefectures and cities all across Japan are coming up with local mascots to promote the local culture and famous food from their region." 

"Ugh, Kasumi, can you lower that racket I can hardly—" Genma turned around to see a large cartoonishly proportioned black bear with beady eyes and red cheeks on the TV.  

"What in the world is that?"  

"Huh. Looks like you that one time you drank the old prune's whiskey cabinet and fell in the local pool," Ranma joked as he looked up. 

The TV announcer continued, "Kumamon, the beloved mascot of Kumamoto, is just one of hundreds of mascots being created to serve as loving, friendly ambassadors. Kumamon's image is on banners, promotional ads, TV commercials, and Kumamon himself makes many live appearances promoting Kumamoto!"  

Genma scoffed and turned back to his game, " Ridiculous! Parading around like a fool at parties and events. You wouldn't catch me in such foolishness"  

"While city officials declined to state publicly, figures suggest the city has spent 500 million yen on the project and have already seen tourism rates and merchandise sales nearing 1 billion yen." 

The show cut to the panel. One person, the host, stated, "Kumamon, or rather the actor who portrays him, is rumored to make 10 million yen in salary from public appearances."  

Genma blinked, his hand froze over a piece as another panelist, a comedian, added, "Wow! Wish I could draw that salary from that kind of easy going gig! And everybody instantly likes you!"  

The host continued, "And that's not all! It seems even Tokyo is getting into the act with the wards and some neighborhoods looking into making their own mascots!" 

Genma brought his hand back and pushed up his glasses as he was lost in thought. An idea began to form.  

"Saotome?" Soun asked. "It's your move old friend."  

Genma looked up and pushed his king out of check. "Aye, my old friend. I see the path ahead..." He laughed softly to himself.  

Soun blinked and moved his Dragon three spaces diagonally, "That's check and mate."  

Genma opened his eyes, seeing the final results. 

"WHAT!?" he yelled, only to be hushed by everyone else as the evening went on.  

A few days later, a bit too early in the day for Genma's liking, he and Soun stood in front of the Ward Office. Soun had chosen a chocolate brown suit and tie and hat. Genma, meanwhile, wore his cleanest, most recently purchased dougi, along with a large PET bottle of water.  

"Well then, old friend, Shall we?" Soun asked.  

"Yes old friend. Thank you for arranging this meeting."  

"Yes well, I suppose it's good sometimes to find an itch that needs scratching. It would have been better had you dressed for a more... formal business occasion."  

"Nonsense. I'm a martial artist and man amongst men. I have no need for such woolen and silk frippery."  

"I take it the suit you had back when I got married no longer fits?"  "...it does not."  

Soun sighed. "Well, let's make this quick. The Prefectural board is nothing if not punctual."  

They entered the Ward Office and, after getting directions from a security guard, found themselves in the fourth floor Ward Council Room.  

The room was rather spacious, the floor open and, by the entrance, a screen presumably for slide show or film projectors. At the far end in a shade of purple that reminded Genma of an eggplant, was the flag of Nerima, emblazoned with the seal that looked like a sideways magnet on top of an arrow or triangle or perhaps a modern art version of a citronella incense burner to ward off mosquitos in the summer. 

Directly in front of them was a conference room table with five middle-aged bureaucrats looking alternately confused and bored. 

"Ah, Soun Tendo. Welcome to the monthly meeting of the Ward Cultural and International Promotion Committee."  

Soun and Genma bowed. "Yes, Thank you for giving us a moment of your time, Council Member Kobayashi." 

"Now then," A second bureaucrat asked, his voice a bit rasped, "What is it you wish to speak of?" 

"Of course, Council Member Maeda. My friend here, a notable martial artist and community member in Furinkan,er... Genma Saotome," Soun paused for a moment and, seeing no one on the Council scowl or narrow their eyes in recognition, continued, "had a proposal I think could, maybe, perhaps, be helpful to the Ward in it's promotion of tourism and notoriety globally." 

Soun took a step to the side and nodded to Genma, "Well then, Saotome."  

Genma smiled and gave a bow to the council. "Now then! Gentlemen, as my old friend Soun Tendo said, I'm Genma Saotome. First in the line of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts. I am also something of a small businessman myself. I have a certain set of skills the Ward may find useful in its promotion of tourism or whatever the hell else you want. Everyone in the country is going gaga over cute mascots like Kumamono or whatever, but those are just guys in suits. Bulky, hot, expensive suits"  

Genma walked around the open area of the move, moving his arms in a slow, stilted manner, something akin to Frankenstein's Monster. He reached out into the air with his forearms while keeping his elbows pressed against his waist, waving his hands around uselessly and wagging his tongue like a dog. 

Finally he stood up straight and looked back at the council.  

"What would be even better would be a cute mascot that would save you all the hassle and overhead of costumes and the overheated, clumsy employees who have to traipse around in them!" 

"What are you proposing?"  

"Well what can be cuter and cuddlier than an animal like, oh say,a panda?" Genma held up his hands, "Ah ah ah, I can already hear your response. 'A wild animal!? How would that work?'" Genma began opening the bottle in his hand. "I'm way ahead of you. What if you could hire someone to play your mascot, having the advantages of a skilled performer who can take direction and is safe, with the cute cuddliness only a real animal could provide."  

Genma, with a flourish of his free hand, bent down slightly and picked up the bottle of water with the other, opening the cap.  

"Behold! The future mascot for Nerima Ward - Neri-Panda-Man!" 

Raising the bottle, Genma poured the water on himself and he smiled to himself as he heard the council members gasp in shock as he turned into his tall panda form.  

After adjusting his glasses to the back of his snout, Genma pulled out a sign from behind his back.  

[PRETTY IMPRESSIVE, HUH GENTLEMEN?] 

He flipped the sign over 

[MY RATES ARE REASONABLE] 

Turning to Soun, Genma let out a small "growf". 

"Ah, of course," Soun produced a thermos of water from his briefcase and opened ip, handing it to the large panda in front of him. Genma took the thermos and pulled out a new sign.  

[WATCH ONCE AGAIN] 

Genma poured the thermos's contents on himself and he changed back to his human form. He fixed his clothes and gave a bow to the council.  

"I believe my qualifications are self-evident and I would love nothing more than to serve the Ward in promoting events and tourism and whatever other things you need doing and such."  

Council Member Kobayashi took a sip of water from an adjacent glass and adjusted his tie before clearing his throat. "That's all rather impressive Mr... um, Panda-Man and, I think most of us would agree there is some merit in your argument about cuteness and relatability but... unfortunately we have to decline your request."  

"But why!?"  

"Well, to be frank, we have been working on a new mascot over the last year and, next month in fact, we're planning on introducing it as part of a city-wide campaign of ward mascots."  

"Yes, This was our finalist." A council member brought up a color print of a strange cartoonish figure. 

Council member Kobayashi pushed a button on the table by his seat, "Can you bring in Nerimaru?"  

Almost immediately, the entrance to the Council Room opened up.  

It entered the room in small, bouncing hops, arms swaying as though it was waving its black, hoof-like, hands to everyone present. It was a tall, daikon white mascot about half a head taller than Genma itself. Its vaguely bulbous humanoid shape was attired in a haphazard collection consisting of red shoes, a superhero cape, aviator goggles, and nothing else. A ribbon labeled it as "Nerimaru '' in a cutesy green design. 

Genma stared at the large, bulbous white head, topped with both an antenna with yellow lightning bolts coming out of it and a shock of green leaves shaped like a mohawk. Its face is embroidered with black eyes, blush lines, and a half moon smile. He sneered, with a mixture of disgust and horror.  

"Seriously?" Genma turned to the council. "You went with this? Look at it!" He pointed to Nerimaru. "Top heavy and looking like a half-witted child. Is that the image you want to present to the world about Nerima Ward? That we're in the sticks and not part of the best city in the world?" 

"Well, it's whimsical. And cute. You know how tourists, especially foreigners, are with cute things from Japan. And it's memorable, combining our well known Daikon farms and the antenna shows us broadcasting ourselves to the world via our rich animation history of popular shows and poorly paid animators."  

"Yes the designers prepared a 40-page white paper explaining all of Nerimaru's charm points." 

Genma shook his head. "You mean points of silliness. It's not cute, it's sickening." Genma added as an aside, tapping Nerimaru with the back of his hand, "Not to mention such amateurish playacting."  

"Hey." A deep whisper emanated from Nerimaru, "who the hell are you, old man? How'd they let a drunk fool into the Council Room?"  

"I'm not drunk right now, and I'm no fool!" Genma grabbed his bottle of water and, seeing it empty, jumped over to the conference table and stole a glass of water from Council Member's Kobayashi's place and splashed himself. 

[I'M A BETTER MASCOT TO REPRESENT NERIMA WARD] 

"What the hell? You're just a panda! And a mangy, smelly one to boot" 

Genma responded with an aghast-sounding growl and, with a paw, shoved Nerimaru on the side of the head, causing the mascot to tip over and fall.  

There were gasps among the Ward Council. 

[PATHETIC. THIS IS THE BEST YOU GOT? CAN'T FIGHT CUTE OL NERI-PANDA-MAN?] 

"Oi, Dairoku! Are you okay!?" Council Member Maeda said. "We can throw this man out!" 

"No! I'm fine, uncle. Thank you." Nerimaru spoke, his voice booming despite the layers of fabric, wire, and foam rubber." Nerimaru jumped up and stood.  

"You are an interloper in a sacred fraternity. I, Dairoku Yuruzume, heir to the Yuru school of Image Character Martial Arts and Mascot Guild Member in Good Standing, challenge you to a duel. Three rounds. Whoever wins shall represent Nerima Ward as the official mascot." 

[YOU'RE ON, RADISH BOY! MAY THE BEST MASCOT WIN!] 

"I'm sorry about this," Soun said, kowtowing to the Ward Council. 

"BOY! WHERE ARE YOU!?"  

Genma walked into the living room of the Tendo Dojo to see Ranma, in girl form and wearing a white blouse and floral skirt, seated at the table next to Akane who, at the moment, was painting Ranma's nail a light beige and peach color.  

"Oh hey, Pops."  

Genma blinked at the scene, "What the hell are you doing?"  

Ranma blushed a bit, "Well Akane's been doing my nails. She wanted to practice and, I mean, we were gonna get ice cream later so..." Ranma raised her left hand, "also they're shiny which is neat!"  

"Careful, don't scuff up your left hand!" Akane chided. 

Genma slapped his forehead, "We'll talk about this later. Right now, I need you to be my corner man."  

Ranma let out a snort and pointed at her outfit.  

"You know what I mean. I'm serious!"  

"So am I. 'Corner man'? You gonna go ten rounds against Foreman?" 

"I'm fighting to uphold the honor of the Saotome School!"  

"Sure ya are, Pops. " Ranma muttered darkly, "'way you usually shove that shit on me, coulda sworn that was my job..." 

Akane sighed and closed the cap on the container of top coat, "Put it near the fan to dry, Ranma. So what happened to Mr. Saotome, Dad?"  

Soun emerged from behind Genma, his suit rumpled with the jacket buttoned up wrong and his hat crumpled. "It seems my old friend was beaten to the mascot boom and, well..."  

Ranma rolled her eyes, "What? Didya piss off some secret cabal of martial arts kids' performers or somethin'?"  

Genma blinked. "How did you know!? Did you tangle with them before?"  

Ranma and Akane looked at each other with a frown, before Ranma shook her head  

Akane asked, "So when is Mr. Saotome fighting... whoever it is."  

Genma, "Didn't say. Knowing these wannabes, he'll chicken out when he realizes who he's dealing with! HA HA HA HA!" Genma laughed as Ranma, Akane, Soun, and a tall rectangular blue vending machine looked on.  

Genma blinked at that last item, but didn't quite notice the incongruity until the side of the machine opened, revealing a slender, well manicured hand and smacked him across the head 

"What the hell!?" Genma yelled out as he rubbed his head and fixed his glasses. 

"Oh no," Ranma and Akane said at the same time.  

The vending machine let out a series of tsk-tsks. "So this is Genma Saotome. I had a feeling someone foolish enough to challenge Yuruzume-sensei to a duel would have to be related to that ugly girl my beloved Ukyo-sama is besotted with!" 

Ranma yelled, "I ain't ugly! And it ain't like that with Ukyo! And, and... there's a third thing I don't remember right now..." Ranma stopped. "Wait?" She asked, "There are more weirdos like you?"    Tsubasa turned and flashed the 'Sold Out" sign over the oolong tea several times. "Watch your mouth! I'm not here to fight you, but, as Yuruzume-sensei's apprentice, I won't take any lip from sissies like you!" Tsubasa turned back to Genma and, with a clunk, a letter and an ice-cold bottle of Mitsuya Cider fell out of the drink slot. 

"This is your official challenge letter. Please save the bottle for a 25 yen return!" 

Genma grabbed the soda. He opened the letter and began reading to himself 

"Hmm... Two weeks from now. At Baseball Field B in Tokyo Metropolitan Park. Standard Mascot Guild rules apply?" Genma shrugged and pocketed the letter. 

Genma said to Tsubasa, "Tell your sensei, girl, that—"  

"I'm a guy! I just wear girl costumes because I like the way they flatter my hips!"  

Genma examined the side of the vending machine for a beat before replying, "How does... nevermind. Tell him that I accept this farcical challenge. If he wants to play at being some freakish half-daikon, half-child, I shall bury him in the ground! And mound up the dirt so that true honorable life can grow!"  

Ranma stood up, checked her nails were dry, and fixed her skirt before saying, "Jeez Pops, that's a bit much. Never seen you try so hard to get a job, you know, the thing you've never had for longer than 3 months as long as I can remember?"  

Genma shook his head solemnly. "Boy, this is about more than a job... It's about honor! Dignity! That Yuzumarinara fellow didn't just insult my pride, he insulted the honor of the Saotome School! He practically spat in the face of the whole of Anything Goes Martial Arts! His challenge is one that must not go unanswered. For we are martial artists. We champion ourselves against the weak and hone our skills as sharp as the finest blades. We Saotome men have our pride!"  

Ranma, Akane, and Soun gave each other confused looks during the long moment of silence that came over the room.  Genma quickly added, "Also it's not just a job, but a cushy government job."

 Everyone in the room fell back in a thud. Akane and Soun helped Tsubasa back onto his feet. Genma grabbed Ranma and put his hand on her shoulder, proclaiming: 

"Ranma, my boy, it's time to make a mountain out of a molehill!" 

Genma laughed deeply as he walked over and slapped Ranma in the back. He stopped for a second. "That blouse is a bit low cut in the back, isn't it?"

Ranma shrugged. "A little, but I like the color. And it's hot out."  

"Even so, put a cardigan on over it. I didn't raise a harlot." Genma walked away to his room, chuckling. "The Yurusai Yatsu jerk won't know what's coming to his overstuffed head, heh heh heh..." 

Ranma sighed, "Well at least it ain't me havin' ta do a whole 'honor fight' thing this time."  

Akane nodded in agreement. "Seriously. We just fought that Barista practitioner last week."  

Tsubasa popped her head out from the top of the vending machine, "Did you mean 'Bartitsu'?" 

Ranma shook her head, "Nah. They fought with wooden grinders and high powered vacuum flasks. They called themselves Coffee Achievers or somethin'." 

Akane, "I call them 'Kasumi's still getting coffee grounds out of the tatami'!" 

"Yeah. At least the aprons were nice."  Tsubasa asked, "Why am I not surprised you get into a lot of stupid fights?" 

Ranma narrowed her eyes at Tsubasa (or at least the row of Coke products she assumed was at Tsubasa's eye level) and replied, "Let's just say I have to fight off clowns every day of my life..."  

Tsubasa nodded knowingly, "Yes, the Commedia dell'morte. You really are a strong opponent, Saotome. Though I'd try a bolder nail varnish. Even with your hideous complexion, you can totally rock bright pink." 

Ranma let out a grunt of annoyance. "So what're these Mascot Guild rules anyway?"  

"I'm surprised you asked and your father didn't. Though I suppose if he challenged Yuruzume-sensei, he must be a skilled practitioner."  

There was a shock of silence before Ranma and Akane fell over and started laughing.  

"Pops!?" Ranma exclaimed. "You know the reason I'm like this is that my old man hasn't read more than half a page of anything. He doesn't know squat about your sensei or whatever the heck Mascot Guild rules are."  

The light illuminating the bottom row of Boss Coffee in the vending machine flashed and two 5-yen coins fell out of the return slot.  

"What!? The idiot just agreed to a fight he doesn't even know the rules for? He's going to be destroyed!"  

"Yeah, probably." Ranma said as Akane, and Soun nodded in agreement. "Look, Tsubasa, just tell me the basic rules and I'll see if I can get it through his thick skull and, if not..." Ranma shrugged. "It'll be hilarious."  

Later that evening, Genma stumbled into Ranma's bedroom. He leaned to one side, as the bulk of his panda form, the bottle of cheap whiskey drank, and the beer and water soaked panda fur made it a challenge to overcome the forces of gravity and perhaps the coriolis effect of his brain swimming in alcohol. 

Ranma was asleep in his male form, splayed and rotated about 30 degrees from the direction of his futon, with no covers and his black tank top bunched up off to the side, seemingly thrown off in the midst of a hot humid summer night.  

Genma tried hard to be quiet as he shut the door, which meant that the loud bang of the door hitting the frame woke Ranma up with a start as he yelled, "Ah! Cheerleading practice!" 

Rubbing his eyes, he noticed Genma pondering the nearby wall of the room. 

"Pops? Why the hell are you in my room? Your bed's down the hall with Ma." 

There was no response save a slurred growling sound as Genma fell over onto the tatami floor and rolled onto his back. 

"Dammit, old man. I'm the one that's gonna have to air out the room so it don't smell like booze n' cigarettes," Ranma whispered as he slowly sank down onto his futon.  

"I hope you keep that fur clean when ya fight that guy. Tsubasa said you'd be disqualified if ya made a kid cry while ya fought"  

Genma flopped his head over to look at Ranma and gave him a lazy, confused "growf?" 

"Yeah. He said somethin' about style points while ya hittin' each other. And some kinda dancin' part? I don't remember. Sounded complicated. Glad it ain't me fightin'." Ranma let out a soft chuckle as he turned to his side. "Welp, night Pops." 

Genma blinked, momentarily growing concerned before the alcohol kicked back in and he passed out.  

The next morning, around 10 AM or so once he was able to manage his hangover long enough to get up and bathe, Genma stumbled out to the garden to find Soun, holding a power tool as he cut weeds and stray branches from the hedges adjacent to the edge of the property while wearing safety earmuffs and cotton gardening gloves. Genma felt his headache return with a vengeance and, through the pain in his head, he called out. 

"Tendo? Tendo! It's an emergency!" 

Soun turned back, and looked at Genma through plastic safety goggles, "Huh!? What is it, Saotome? I didn't get that." Soun took off his hearing protection. 

Genma groaned. "Look, put down that chainsaw and listen to me!"  

"It's an edge trimmer, Saotome."  

"This is serious! Do you know about Mascot Guild and their arcane fighting style!?"  

Soun nodded. "Yes, The Pocari Sweat machine told us about it after you left." 

Genma looked as Soun adjusted his safety goggles. "...and?" 

"May the gods be merciful."  

Soun put on his safety earmuffs, then turned back to trimming his hedges.  

"Wait! What does that mean!? Tendo!" Genma yelled to little avail.  

With a tired sigh, Genma walked back into the living room, shutting the sliding door of the garden to muffle the sound of garden tools.  

Genma rubbed his temples. "Where the hell is everyone?" 

"It's 11:30 in the morning on a Monday, Uncle Genma," Kasumi cheerfully offered. "Everyone is at school, Auntie went to the Saotome house to talk to the contractors, and I'm off for an appointment at the salon. I was thinking of dying my hair. Do you think deep brown-black is too much? Oh, maybe I'll be bold and try medium chocolate brown. Anyway, I left you some leftover breakfast." 

Kasumi walked out and Genma was left alone.  

Genma groaned lightly as he sat by the table and winced as he was at just the right angle to get the late morning sun in his eyes. After a moment, he let out a huge sigh.  

"What the hell did I get myself into?" Genma muttered. "Rules? Rules!? I'm a practitioner of Anything Goes Martial Arts. There are no rules, they're stifling and... hard to remember. Yuzulicious didn't even have the decency to write down the rules in his chall—"  

Genma remembered the challenge letter and put a hand in his pants pockets, pulling out several wads of crumpled papers. He threw them on the table and weeded out the various never done to-do lists given to him by Nodoka, bar tabs, IOUs, and coupons until he came across the challenge letter he had crumpled the day before. He turned over the back side of the paper, where Genma had drawn a crude sketch of a panda pooping on a stick figure daikon person, and revealed the text to the challenge letter. Skipping the top half of the sheet, he read the second half of the challenge. 

General Rules for A Tournament Legal Mascot Guild Match (Abridged Version): 

1. Combatants must be in costume at all times. Any removal or some or all of the costume is an instant disqualification
2. Combatants must always act in a manner that does not "break character". In order to ensure this, a crowd of pre-school children will be present. If any children begin crying, this will result in a points deduction and possible disqualification if all invited children begin to cry.
3. Combatants may be asked to dance during a match. Any audible music must be danced to in a manner consistent with the entertaining image character you represent, even when attacking opponents. Any mascot caught not dancing when prompted, no matter the reason, will lose points.
4. Matches go on until either a) one of the two combatants are knocked unconscious, lose their outfit, cause the assembled audience to leave in disgust or boredom, one of the combatants forfeits, or if a panel of judges award enough points based on the number of rounds. Matches may not exceed more than four hours, which is the maximum amount one can mascot until they must take their union-provided break.
5. Combatants are not restricted to gloved hands and may use weapons or implements provided they are appropriate to their image character theme. Please see subsection 8008.5(c) in the Full Handbook for complete examples of acceptable and unacceptable implements such as Shikamaro-san's exploding salt cubes and the (now-banned) Kumamon bullet train car.

Genma began to yawn as he finished reading the page. "This just goes on forever... I get it. Well I can't lose my costume. And I've never made a child cry. Well aside from the boy, but he got over it. Usually. When he doesn't think I can hear him at two in the morning. And I'm musically inclined! Music was my best subject in middle school. I played a mean Kimigayo on the recorder, heh heh..."  

Genma crumpled up the paper once more and threw it in the "burn pile" alongside the IOU and court appearance notices as he set to work.

The next afternoon Genma, in Panda form, stood in a makeshift boxing ring set up in the garden. 

Soun sat, tears still in his eyes as he held his crumpled begonias in his hands.  

The door to the garden opened and Akane stepped out onto the garden. She had changed into gym sweats and had a whistle attached to a lanyard around her neck.  

"Daddy, are you crying again? What is going—" Akane cocked her head at the sight of the ring. "What the heck happened!?" Akane cried out.  

"My flowerbed..." I spent months cultivating them..." 

[THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR FLOWERS] Genma raised a sign, then flipped it around. [THE MATCH IS OUTSIDE SO I CAN'T USE THE DOJO!] 

Akane sighed.  

From the back of the house, a figure in a costume that looked like a seafoam blue elephant wearing a pink and yellow striped shirt and dark blue overalls came around the corner, hands in front of them.  

[AH MY BOY! A FITTING SPARRING PARTNER!] 

The Elephant managed the ropes as they entered and stood on the opposite end, fixing their ears. 

"Oh, one second before we start!" 

Akane ran out of the house, before returning with a boombox. 

"Okay. Remember that music can happen at any time so be ready. It's like musical chairs, but for... actually this is dumber than musical chairs. Just dance when you have to, okay?" 

The door from the house opened and two small children emerged into the garden. Akane turned and with a big smile, waved to them "Oh, there you are Keiko-chan, Tarou-kun!" 

[WHO ARE THEY?] 

"Oh, I offered to babysit Mrs. Ogawa twins while she went to her water aerobics class this time. How was pre-school, you two?"  

"It was fun, big bro!" Tarou-kun said, Keiko-chan nodding in agreement.  

Akane narrowed her eyes. "Tarou-kun, how many times have I told—"  "Ah!" Keiko-chan pointed at Genma. "That panda has a sign in his hand. He's cute!" 

"That's right," Akane said. "That's Genma-kun the Panda. He's going to play with Mr. Elephant over there for a while and I want you to watch and tell me what you think of their skit."  

"Yay! Genma-kun is really cute!!"  

Genma let out a gruff of annoyance and held a sign [I'M NERI-PANDA-MAN!] which set the children aback. 

"Okay, I'll keep an eye on the match. I'll blow on the whistle if there's a foul or if Uncle Genma gets beaten up." 

[THAT WON'T HAPPEN! I'M A BEAST] Genma raised the sign. Keiko and Tarou looked confused and, hurriedly, Genma changed the sign.  

[THAT WON'T HAPPEN. I'M THE CUTEST!] 

"Okay, that's enough. Both of you come to the middle and meet your opponent." 

Genma strode forth until he came face to trunk with Mr. Elephant. 

"I wanna see a clean fight within the rules of Mascot Guild," Akane said.  

"Bow!" Genma and the elephant gave a respectful bow before taking three paces back.  

"Ready.... Go!" Akane blew the whistle on her lanyard. 

Genma charged at Mr. Elephant extending a clawed paw. Mr Elephant turned their head, slapping Genma with one of its blue and white ears. Genma let out a growl in shock as Mr. Elephant's trunk wrapped around his neck. Genma found himself suddenly stuck in a headlock.  

He felt his body being pulled upwards as his feet left the mat. In panic he let out a loud squeaky sounding roar and bit the trunk at the base of Mr. Elephant's head. Genma heard a light hiss escape from the trunk just before Akane blew the whistle 

"FOUL! Biting the opponent is out of your theme. Break it up!" 

Genma jolted back to his side of the ring and raised a sign. 

[HOW WAS THAT OUT OF THEME!?] 

"You're a Panda." [I'M STILL A BEAR] 

"Pandas don't eat elephants! Elephants however use their trunk to grab things"  

[I WAS GETTING CHOKED OUT!] 

"Points docked, Uncle Genma. Now continue!" Akane blew the whistle and the fight resumed. 

Genma more cautiously approached Mr. Elephant, paws raised and moving around his opponent. Mr. Elephant, for their part, looked relaxed with their hands at their sides. They turned a bit to keep Genma in front of them. Faint wisps of steam escaping from their face. 

Suddenly Genma dashed forward with an explosive jump kick to Mr. Elephant's torso.  

While Genma was still mid-air, Mr. Elephant threw a handful of peanuts which exploded into dust in front of Genma's face.  

Genma let out a growl as he clutched his eyes and fell onto the mat. With a hand he raised a sign: 

[MY EYES! SALT AND SPICE!] 

Tarou-kun and Keiko-chan let out peals of laughter and Akane couldn't help but giggle a bit as Genma writhed around in pain. 

After a minute, Genma wiped his face and stood up. Running to his corner, he pulled out a bamboo practice sword from behind the ring and began to rush in and strike his opponent. 

Akane whistled again. "Stop! Implement foul! That's out of your theme, Uncle Genma!"  

[BUT A SHINAI IS MADE OF BAMBOO!] 

"You have to at least make it look like a stick of bamboo!" 

"Genma-kun is pretty funny." Keiko-chan said. "I like that he gets yelled at by Big Bro a lot," Tarou-kun replied. 

Genma threw away the shinai and shook his head, with a large growl he rushed Mr. Elephant and began throwing a fast series of strikes, Mr. Elephant dodged the first few and just barely blocked the other with their arms. Genma jumped in the air to kick when the light cheery ambient music began to play from the CD.  

Mr. Elephant jumped to the side and began to dance a jaunty Irish-inspired jig, waving their trunk around every so often. Genma meanwhile, shocked by the change, missed his mark, fell onto his snout and, after pulling his face out of the mat, began a dance that was more a drunken shuffle. Genma held one paw against his head and waved the other one back and forth in a manner that looked more like an angry fist shaking at the audience. 

The music stopped and the kids clapped at Mr. Elephant while Genma slumped down in his corner, panting in exhaustion. Somehow, despite pandas not having glands for it, he seemed to be drenched in sweat. After a second, he caught himself, turned to Akane and the children, and waved. 

"Gross!" Keiko-chan frowned. "He looks like Daddy watching baseball on the weekend..." "Yeah, but Daddy doesn't smell that much like beer." Tarou-kun added. "And Daddy likes beer a lot ." The kids nodded disapprovingly. 

[I HAVE A GLANDULAR CONDITION! I CAN'T HELP IT!] 

"I did not need to know that," Akane groaned. "Okay, get up! Unless you concede, Uncle Genma?" 

[NEVER!!! NERI-PANDA-MAN WILL NEVER FALL!] 

The sign in Genma's hand was blown away by a sudden blast of scalding hot water coming from the trunk of Mr. Elephant. Genma was blown off his feet and back in his human guise. 

Akane blew the whistle, "Out of costume! DISQUALIFIED!" "Eww," the kids cried, now looking sad. "He is grosser-looking than Daddy." They got up. "Can we go inside and watch something more fun, like the news?"  

"Yeah, I think we're done here, kids." Akane said as she looked at the ring and blew the whistle again.  

"The match is over! Mr. Elephant wins! And just in time. Dinner should be ready soon." Mr. Elephant looked at Akane and the kids, then checked their wrist before jumping out of the ring and running into the house. 

Genma lay face up, half-conscious on the mat. He was soaked from the hot water spraying he received. 

From around the corner, in a Bunny Girl Outfit, his black hair done up in a bun, Ranma emerged into the garden.  

"Where the hell is everyone?" he complained, scratching his head. "I've been waitin' in the dojo for Pops and this outfit's ridin' up my bu...h?" He looked at Genma splayed across the mat. "Jeez, Pops. You look like crap." 

"Yeah," Akane replied."Wait, what happened to your elephant suit?"  

"Elephant suit? Do I look like I got that kinda money that ain't already spoken for by Nabiki? I'm not rentin' an elephant suit just to help the old man out! This was already in my closet and, 'sides, it's more figure flattering."  

"You're in your guy form!" Akane groaned  

Ranma jutted out his hip at Akane. "Still flattering after you give things a tuck. Like Konatsu showed me." 

Ranma walked over to the ring and saw Genma on the mat, as though he was marinating in his own juices. "You gonna be okay for the actual match, old man?"  

"I'll be fine... I'm not so easily cowed. Where did you think you got your perseverance in the face of impossible obstacles?"  

"Well I always assumed I got it from Ma. Unless you also figured out how to fight in high heels at 16, too." 

"Well, platform shoes were more in fashion then and... that's not the point!" Genma sat up. "This is just a minor setback. Mark me, boy. Your old man will emerge the winner." 

"You look like you got dunked in a pot of ramen. Just give it up and save yourself the back pain. It's not like you were gonna pay for my college or anythin', old man." 

Genma jumped to his feet, shaking his fist in the air. "I'm not too old to fight yet, boy! You of all people know, we Saotomes never give up in the face of a challenge! As the head of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts, I will be triumphant against Yuzurama in this battle! I will get that cushy government salary and never have to worry about my bar tabs again, hahaha!" 

Ranma shook his head and walked back into the house. "Well, I wouldn't count those chickens before they hatch, Pops." 

Red-faced, Genma yelled back, "Of course you count your chickens before they hatch! How are you supposed to get people to pre-order from you if you don't!?" 

Ranma picked up his pumps and entered the house, remarking, "Oh, hey kids!" "Big Sis Ranma!" Keiko and Tarou exclaimed in unison. Ranma pursed his lips and said to himself, "...okay I need to butch it up a bit more." 

"Ranma's right," Akane said to Genma. "Maybe it's better if you give up. Daddy would be happy to have his flower garden back and all. Actually, I should go and see that he didn't take another depression nap. See you, Uncle Genma." 

Genma found himself damp, cold, and alone. 

"Feh. No one believes I can do it... Is it me? When did I lose my touch? My authority? I'm the patriarch of the Saotome family!"  

He walked out of the ring and started to head to the house when he saw the family gathered around the table as Nodoka and Kasumi brought out dinner.  

"Oh, that's a lovely stir fry, Auntie," Akane said. 

"Well, It's just something I was able to quickly whip up."  

"Looks great, Ma! You're the best."  

"Thank you, Ranma. You're such a nice boy. Though the red fishnets are a bit too showy for a weeknight."  

"Um, it was Akane's idea.." Ranma audibly gulped as he felt Akane's glare. "Seriously, Ma. If I hadn't learned to cook, Pops woulda poisoned me years ago." 

"Oh don't be so harsh towards your father. He tries hard in his own way... I mean, your father has a way with... well he tries at least. Sometimes."  

Genma shook his head, "The boy's lost all respect for me. Giving him powerful skills like the Neko-ken and gender fluidity and how does he repay me? Shunning me, calling me old and washed up. I can't believe my own flesh, blood, and retirement ticket would betray me like this!" 

He turned to leave the house via the garden when he heard soft footsteps walk out of the house. 

"Dear?" Nodoka asked sweetly. "It's dinner time. Don't you want to come in, towel off, and eat?"  

Genma sighed and shook his head, "No, my dear wife. I need to think. I don't know when I'll be back."  

"I'll leave you a plate in the fridge then, dear. Just try not to be too drunk when you get home."  

Genma turned back and snapped, "I'm not going to dull my mind with drink! I'm having an existential crisis. I need to figure out how to overcome this challenge and gain everyone's respect back. Drinking is the furthest thing from my mind!" 

"Whiskey highball! And keep em' coming." Bleary-eyed, he saw the clock read either 2:20 or 4:10 in the morning as he stumbled out of the bar, with the help of a forceful shove by a bouncer. 

Genma grabbed the corner of the building as he walked around and into the narrow alley between the bar and another building. Genma took a quick scan around and, spying no cops around, he steadied himself with one hand and with the other, pulled down his pants. 

Genma let out a low sigh of a whistle and click this teeth as he grunted and started pissing on the wall of the barr. "Well thass got me nowhere... Still can't believe I got my ass kicked by an elefe - efelan... elephant! Gods, Saotome. You really fucked yourself on thisss Mascot Guild bullshit... Damn, I had ta piss.... " Genma shook his head... Damn, that Daira... Dairu..." 

"Dairoku Yuruzume?" A clear, deep voice asked from the darkness further in the alley.  

"What the fu—" Genma jumped back, stumbling a bit until he fell on his bare ass onto the street. 

From the darkness, the figure looked like a very tall man with an afro. As he was illuminated by the soft yellow streetlight, Genma saw a man in a white fuzzy costume with mitts instead of hands, save for a stain of yellow on his fuzzy white boots. Embroidered on his chest was a large 崎. His face was made of small, beady eyes which stared ahead, dead eyed. His nose, mouth, and hair put together made up the kanji 岡 

"Ha HA!" The figure exclaimed "Were you scared by my presence?" He pointed to his feet.  

Genma narrowed his eyes and then scowled. "Feh," He slowly gathered his bearings and pulled up his pants, "No I got thrown out of the bar before I could use the can. Apparently I insulted the barkeep's kid cause I said," Genma let out a burp. "I told her loud n' clear don't matter if she was gay and to not let her old man give her shit!. How was I supposed to know she wasn't gay? Her boyfriend was girlier than my son even, which is a damn sight for sure." 

Genma rubbed his eyes and leaned closer, noting small pills of fake fleece which made up the bulk of the jumpsuit, with stitched on patches at the elbows and what looked like armpit stains.  "Anyway," Genma began " Who the, what the hell are... Er, what's your name?" 

The tall figure gave a theatrical bow. "You may call me 'Okazaemon'. I am the patron mascot of Okazaki City." 

Genma squnited as he studied the contours of his face. "Okazaki? You're damn lost. That's at least 3 hours by train from here." 

Okazaemon nodded.  

"Indeed. I am a Yuru-Ronin . A 'Wandering Mascot', if you will. Okazaki City may not officially endorse my presence, but!" He gave room for a pause. "The People are by my side. I've gone on pilgrimage throughout Japan to further my own skill and wisdom as a Mascot. And then they will see!" 

Jumping to Genma's side, Okazaemon pointed at Genma.  "And you? What is your name?"  

Genma blinked, rubbing his eyes again and double checked his glasses were still on his face  

"Er, Saotome, Genma Satome."  

Okazaemon shook his head, beady eyes tracking Genma. "No, I mean what is your true name?"  

" True name?"  

"I heard you speak of the Guild. You are one of us, yes? Tell me, my good man, what is your true name?"  

Genma shuffled his feet, "Well, er, It's uh, Ne-Neri..." He cleared his throat and stole a glance to see if anyone else was around before whispering, "Neri-Panda-Man." 

"A fine name!" Okazaemon exclaimed, "Playful, yet dignified. I overheard your drunken mutterings and I think it would do us both good if I helped you cultivate the skills and the people's good will towards you, Neri-Panda-Man." He gave a slow, stiff nod as he put a hand to the approximate location of where a chin would be, 

"Especially if you mean to fight against a man, nay a force of nature, like Dairoku Yuruzume." 

Genma steadied himself, feeling the world settle down into placid waves instead of unstable whirling. "Is that radish-horse of a blowhard that frightening."  

"I would not underestimate the deadliness of the Yuzu school..." Okazaemon whispered as he walked closer. Okazaemon loomed over Genma, dead eyes staring into Genma's own. After a moment that seemed to last hours, Okazaku-kun proclaimed: 

"Do not worry. I will train you, Neri-Panda-Man." 

"G-Genma's fine." 

"I will teach you more than the rules of Mascot Combat. Nay, I will teach you how to embody the spirit of a true yuru-chara! You will embody the spirit of Neri-Panda-Man!"  

Genma slowly nodded. "Okay... okay!" Genma smiled and nodded. "Fuck it, I don't have anythin' to lose. Let's go Okazaki-ku—er, Master!"  

"Where is your costume, my good apprentice?" Okazaemon enquired. 

"Costume? Oh! Yeah. I'll show, but I need a favor" Genma pointed back to the bar. "Get me a drink.... Well, a drink and a glass of water, judging by your feet stains, I'm dehydrated." 

A few hours later, at the crack of dawn, Genma, in Panda form, and Okazaemon had walked east along the Shakuji River and found themselves in Johoku Central Park in the next Ward over. The bustle of the morning was bubbling up as hungover businessmen wandered to 100 yen shops to buy new work shirts and energy drinks, sanitation went about their rounds for burnable garbage day, and nosy grandmothers went on their daily power walks before it got too late. 

As they walked, Okazaemon began lecturing. "Now my apprentice, take in the bright sunset of a new day! And the smell in the air" Okazaemon took in a deep breath raising his arms "Aaaah! Even in the city, you can smell the aroma of housewives making homemade dashi broth for their children and husbands' breakfast!"  

[THAT'S URINE] 

"Only if you think of the end of the process, pupil. You must also think of the journey. I know you yearn to defeat Yuruzume in combat, but I must teach you about his strengths. Come, sit." Okazaemon pointed at a bench where they pushed off a still drunk businessman and sat. 

Okazaki kun brought his legs up and sat cross legged on the bench, dead eyes staring out at the city in front of them. "The Yuru School's methods are precise, rigid, practical. One that has emerged from generations of thinking and strategy. While it is said that all mascot combat can be traced back to shinobi who learned to hide in plain sight, the Yuru school is the only one that can be directly traced back to an ancient ninja clan who served the Ashikaga clan. After the Ashikaga fell, the clan went rogue and into hiding as actors, entertainers, and maiko. Over the decades the school condensed its forms and used the act of hiding behind a mask and costume to conceal their deadly intent. Their cunning and intelligence must not be underestimated. YOU will never win trying to outwit the scion of the Yuru School."  

[SO WHAT? I'M FUCKED?] 

"I never said that. Your problem, Neri-Panda-Man, is your thoughts." 

Genma let out a confused growl. Okazaemon smiled and said, "Close your eyes and meditate."  

Genma left out a huff and closed his eyes and breathed, centering himself as he had so many times.  

After a while, He heard Okazaemon mutter as though he was speaking a Buddhist Mantra. 

"To be a mascot we must let go of our attachments. To ourselves under the costume, to our notions of pride and dignity. We must let go of the things which hold us back. We are mascots, we radiate joy. To know is to suffer. To outwit, one must empty our head of thoughts and simply be a mascot."  

Genma nodded. 

"Do not think of the costume. Feel the costume. Become the costume! BE ONE WITH THE COSTUME" 

"GRRRRROOOOOOW!" 

"Good. Cunning and planning have no truck against mascot instinct! Throw away all of your self-conscious thoughts. You will be silly, you will dance a jig, you will find yourself doing things you could not do in your civilian guise. You will transcend human limits! Embrace yourself, your true self Neri-Panda-Man!"  

"Grrf!" 

"Remember. When in doubt, just think to yourself: No thoughts, Head empty." 

Grrrwl grff. Grff Grrrrowll."  

"Exactly!" Okazaemon jumped to the path and turned to Genma. "Come Neri-Panda-Man! It is time to train." 

They walked a ways further when Okazaemon stopped and pointed ahead. "One of the first things a mascot must do is help those closest to our true selves: children. Free-spirited and lacking in the intrusive ego of adults, mascots have a natural bond with them and we must protect them from danger." 

Genma looked on as a boy of about 9 or 10 years old looked wildly around him. His shorts had grass stains and his right sleeve was torn a bit near the shoulder. "Go Neri-Panda-Man and assist the child!" Okazaemon proclaimed. "I will observe you."  

Genma nodded and, with a light bounce to his steps, ran to the child.  

[HELLO! DO YOU NEED HELP BOY?] 

"Who-who are you? I'm not getting into any strange vans!" 

[I'M NERI-PANDA-MAN! MASCOT IN TRAINING! I'M HERE TO HELP!] 

"Uh... okay, well I'm Masao Mori. I got three kids chasing me. They tried ta ambush me and I barely got out of there! Can you help me, Neri-Panda-Man?" 

Genma nodded just as three smaller and skinnier kids arrived. 

"We got you now Masao!" One of the kids, the tallest of the three wearing prominent taped together glasses proclaimed. "This is the final straw!" 

"Yeah!" The other two kids concurred as the trio ran towards him.  

With little effort, Genma grabbed the three kids by the scruff of their shirt collars and hung them up on a nearby tree branch. The kids dangled helplessly about 5 feet off the ground. 

[THREE AGAINST ONE IS NO FAIR!] Genma wagged a paw at the kids. 

"But Masao! He-" 

"Grrrrwf!" [NO EXCUSES! YOU FIGHT MAN TO MAN OR NOT AT ALL!] 

Masao let out a loud sigh of relief. "Thank you Neri-Panda-Man! I owe you one!" 

[NO PROBLEM KID!] Genma patted Masao on the head and he turned and put up one more sign. 

[NOW MAKE UP AND PLAY NICE NOW KIDS!] 

Genma bounded away, happy that he did a good deed. 

Masao smiled at the three kids still strung up on the wall as he formed a fist and punched his free hand "You thought you could gang up on me? Shows you! You all owe me double your lunch money for the next week or I'll knock out yer teeth! Got it?" 

"Y-Yes Masao. Don't hurt us please!" 

Genma arrived back at Okazaemon's side as they walked away from the young Masao punching, one at a time, the even smaller children. 

"Not bad. You did a good deed in a way that was delightful and kind. YOU have a natural affinity with children."  

[WELL I AM A FATHER.] 

"Oh, a son or daughter?" 

[SON. TECHNICALLY.] 

"Ah yes." Okazaki-san replied. "What with the visual kei rock music and the clothes and the whatnot.... Anyways, the next aspect of the mascot we must cultivate is our relationship with merchants. As shinobi and later hiding with the lowborn classes, mascots have always been close hands with merchants, giving a cheerful, friendly face as the hand of the merchant takes coin from the pockets of the monied." 

They walked further along, admiring the weekend joggers and other annoyingly active young people throwing frisbees or playing pickup games of soccer. As they walked across a small stone bridge crossing a canal, Okazaemon, picked up a stone and skipped it along the water, not noticing the city worker below working on a drain cry out in pain below as the rock hit him in the back of the neck. 

"After the War, the mascot's role and prestige increased as the occupying Americans understood the true power of a friendly face paired with goods for sale. Even from something as frightening as a clown, if it looks happy, people are willing to buy more burgers from it." 

Genma nodded and gave Okazaki an affirmative gruff.  

As the duo walked through the center of the park, they came across an open square with benches and a fountain. Nearby, alongside the wide pedestrian paths, were two small food trucks staged across from each other.  

One of the Trucks was painted in a blue and white motif, with a red and white striped awning. A sign with an Eiffel Tower painted in the back said "Crepes Jacques"  

The other truck was painted a bright green. A square sign, framed with bamboo and a pair of nón lá hats advertised "Little Haiphong Viet Cuisine" 

"Ah-Ha! My wily apprentice, an opportunity arises!"  

Genma stood back as Okazaemon crept towards the blue food truck. Inside a truck, a portly middle-aged man in chef's whites and a vibrant red kerchief around his neck, delicately move a wooden rateau, spreading thin crepe batter along the surface of a cast iron billig 

"My good man!" Okazaemon announced, causing the crepe maker to jump back, startled.  

"Mon dieu!" The man recoiled in horror, knocking his hat to the side, revealing a poof of mostly grey hair. "Who—or what—are you?" 

Okazaemon bowed, always open beady eyes staring at the chef the entire time.  "I am but a humble mascot, Okazaemon!"  

"Okazaki? Isn't that 300 kilometers away from here?"  

"Ha ha! " Okazaemon grabbed his belly and mimed a laugh. "Indeed! But my profession and distance from it are not important at the moment. Instead, I am here to offer the services of my apprentice mascot, a hometown local."  Okazaemon gestured to Genma who blinked, waved and pulled out a sign  

[HELLO! I'M FROM FURINKAN!] 

"See? So he is looking to help out the local businesses and your establishment looks quite lovely Mr..."  

"I am known as Chef Jacques Saint-Exupéry" 

[YOUR BUSINESS LICENSE SAYS KAZUFUMI SHIROTA] 

"It is my nom de cuisine, funny bear!"  

[OKAY...]  

Genma flipped the sign briefly to say [weirdo] before flipping it back 

"What was that?" Jacques asked.  

Okazaemon waved it off. "Oh, my apprentice merely wishes to understand how best to convey the zeal and, how you would say, 'joie de vivre' of your food to entice customers?"  

Genma gave a somewhat sarcastic, yet affirmative 'growf'. 

"Yes, well the cuh-reepu represents the 'eart of Bretagne !" Jacques began. "It is, in essence, le cœur du France itself! Thin, yet supple. Endlessly customizable! Savory, sweet, soft, pliable. Along with ze bouillabaisse and ze baguette, the cuh-reepu is the very essence of what makes la cuisine française so good."  

[IT'S JUST A PANCAKE. LOOK THAT GUY IS MAKING ONE TOO] 

Genma pointed at the Vietnamese truck where the chef, a slender, somewhat younger middle-aged man was at work on a plan making bánh xèo. 

"Non! No no non!" Jacques protested. "That is not French! It is not versatile! It cannot serve as a base for le banana or duxelle! How can that... thing deliver joy to Gallic children and those who are Gallic at heart everywhere!?" It is an abom—!" Jacques stopped as he noticed the chef of Little Haiphong stare. "It is a different thing, Mr. Bear." 

[IT'S NERI-PANDA-MAN] 

"Indeed," Okazaemon cut in. "And Neri-Panda-Man was awestruck by your passion. I dare say he was left speechless." 

"Grow-growf..." Genma rolled his eyes. 

"And with that said, I'd like to offer you my apprentice's services to sell and promote your luxurious gustatory creations! Eh, Neri-Panda-Man?"  

Genma's attention was turned by the scents of beef broth spiced with star anise, cloves, cinnamon, black cardamom, fennel, and coriander. 

"Neri-Panda-Man?" 

Genma snapped back to reality.  [YES. WHAT YOU SAID] Genma raised a well-worn sign.  

Jacques narrowed his eyes at the two beings in front of him. "And how much would this service cost me?" "Nothing at all!" Okazaemon quickly replied, to a surprised growl from Genma. "Think of it as an unpaid internship. Neri-Panda-Man will gain something more valuable than money: exposure!"  

[NOW WAIT A MOMENT LET'S NOT] Genma sighed as his sign ran out of room 

"I mean, a few of your culinary delights would be appreciated, of course. What do you say?" Okazaemon leaned over at an unsettling angle and waved his hands.  

Jacques slowly nodded, "Very well. Go and drum up some business, Mr. Panda-Man!"  

Genma began wandering around the open plaza, looking at the growing crowd of people as morning began to turn to afternoon. He spied a young boy and his mother as they neared the food trucks and seemed lost in thought.  

Using his skills in stealth, he snuck up to the small boy and suddenly sprung up with a cheerful "gruff- gruffaw" and signed:  

[HI LITTLE BOY. FANCY A CREPE?] 

The young child turned away, hugging his mom's leg and began to cry. The mother glared at Genma, grabbed the sign and slammed him over the head with it before walking away.  

Genma felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked back and saw Okazaemon stare blankly as he said, "My apprentice, you are a mascot, not a night terror. Perhaps a demonstration is in order." 

Genma watched as Okazaemon walked into the middle of the square and began a pantomime routine. The mascot looked around and mimed rubbing his stomach, bending over slightly, and brought his hands to his face to mimic crying from his open, expressionless eyes.  

Okazaemon turned around, hand over his eyes, to look at Crepe Jacques and pointed, bounding over in a skip. He mimicked pouring batter and spreading it out before pretending to top it with fillings, fold it, and he brought his hands to his mouth to mimic eating, finally finishing with a rub of his tummy and a thumbs up.  

The act led to a smattering of applause by pedestrians. Okazaemon walked back to Genma and whispered, "Now, you try."  

Genma nodded and began doing a little dance, digging into the moments, around 5:30 or so in the day when he would long for dinner made by Kasumi or his wife. He let out a plaintive, sad growl: 

"Grauuuu.... graaaaauuuu~ " 

Genma did a few somersaults around, sitting up and rubbing his tummy each time he finished. He heard the small giggle of children each time. Finally he somersaulted and gently hit the side of Crepes Jacques and looked up, feigning amazement.  

"Bau-ba-baaau~" Genma growled in a sing-song voice. He stood and began mimicking picking from the menu. His hands moved quickly as he walked past the truck, swiping a just-cooked crepe from the billig and some toppings of ham and swiss cheese and, with a turn began to eat a crudely folded crepe. 

Jacques blinked as he realized what happened " Sacre bleu ! I didn't say you could..." Jacques trailed off as he noticed the applause as Genma finished the last bit of crepe and pointed to the truck.  

Jacques looked at the assembled crowd and smiled, "Yes yes, well done, Monsieur Panda! Come one, come all! Everything is cooked to order!"  

The assembled crowd began to gather and place orders to Jacques who dutifully made each crepe lovingly. He passed the orders to Genma who would pass them to customers.  

For about twenty minutes, everything was well. Then, Jacques noticed an upset child around the age of twelve.  

"Mister, my crepe has fur in it!"  

Jacques blinked and said, "Mon dieu, I'll make it again."  

Then another customer, a tall, buff man in his twentie came back, frowning.  

"What the hell is this, did you put a mouse in it!?" The man showed him a half eaten nutella and strawberry crepe with a patch of black fur in it.  

Jacques frowned and nodded, "yes! I'll fix it."  

After the tenth person came back for a refund, Jacques let out a yell.  

"What did you do to my creations, you ours stupide !?" 

[IT'S NOT MY FAULT!] Genma flipped the sign. [I ALWAYS SHED A LITTLE!] 

"It's true." Okazaemon gravely nodded from the bench he was seated at. "There was some fur in mine earlier and I was just standing next to Neri-Panda-Man. I thought it lent a good textural and flavor contrast." 

"That's it! I 'ave 'ad enough of your shenanigans. I thought you would be like Jerry Lewis, but instead you are nothing more than a bamboo-huffing Maurice Chevalier! It's as if I was being cursed or..." 

Jacques paused and suddenly lumbered out of the back of his truck. He ran past Genma, taking off his apron and throwing it on the ground before pointing at the owner of Little Haipong. "You! This was all your doing!"  

"What the hell are you going on about, you Francophillic fogey?" The chef looked up from serving a warped banh mi. 

"This farce was your idea all along! Resenting me as you flailed about with your bún and bánh mì and pho on a stick! Ever since you set up shop here, you've been trying to drive me out of business the way Vietnam drove France out of business, you upstart!"  

"Maybe you should stop colonizing this park and let us get our fair share of customers!"  

Jacques laughed. "Oh so you can steal the bread and the pasta but we don't get the credit? Your cuisine disrespects the classics!"  

"Your pancakes aren't seasoned! And Your fillings are bland! Stop drowning it in gruyere or nutella!"  

"Sacre bleu! You bastard!"  

[AREN'T BOTH THOSE THINGS SWISS?] 

Genma never received a response as the chef of Little Haiphong jumped out the order window and the two came to blows in the middle of the park.  

"Come, Neri-Panda-Man," Okazaemon whispered, holding a half-eaten ham and cheese crepe in his mitten hand, "This is a fight we cannot intervene in without sacrificing our diplomatic privileges." 

Genma was led away from the square, puzzled. 

Several hundred meters away from the food trucks, Genma began hearing music. Specifically he noticed the distinct sound of a drum machine and looped beats.  

Okazaemon let out a muffled gasp in awe, "Do you hear that, Neri-Panda-Man?" 

[SOUNDS LIKE A ROBOT HAS TO SHIT] 

"No no no, my apprentice! It is the sound of music. Young people's music! Come, we may be of use."  

Okazaemon began a light jog out to a field, where at the far edge, near the park exit, a small stage had been erected. In front of the stage, on the pedestrian walkway was a crew of three MCs, all wearing matching tracksuits, Adidas sneakers, and gold chains. On stage, party rap beats blared from large speakers underneath turntables, a mixer, and a TR-808, controlled by a DJ in the same period attire. 

Genma and Okazaemon arrived and easily wandered near the front of the small crowd of about half a dozen onlookers. Genma finished his crepe and tossed the wrapper aside. 

The first MC came to the front of the performance area and raised a mic saying. 

"Yeah check it. Check it check it out, out out" 

The DJ proceeded to rhythmically scratch a record as the first MC started pop locking. The second MC started rapping: 

Whaddup Tokyo, it's MC Oh-zam-U Yeah, that's right. Of the B-Boy Crew,  Coming back to you, every week or two. We dancin', rappin, spinnin', and sprayin', Not that last one since City Ordinance 9 came into effect, You know what I'm sayin'. Check it out! 

The Third MC pulled out an opened sheet of cardboard that seemed to have been an unfolded refrigerator box and began to breakdance, but slipped on a crepe wrapper and fell onto the pavement.  

"AH! My back, yo! I can't do my downrock routine now!" He cried out in pain.  

The first MC held down his mic and said, "But this is our big concert for the month. We can't go on without you!" 

"*ahem* If I may, or rather in your parlance, 'Yo, M.C.?' " Okazaemon said. "My apprentice and I are cut ups on the floor. Maybe we can assist you in your performance." 

"You be illin'! You suckas lookin' for Sanrio Puroland or something?" 

Okazaemon shook his head, "No, We're freelance. But we were born to entertain and I have been known to cut a rug... or the cardboard on occasion. My apprentice, Neri-Panda-Man is no slouch as well. I believe he was a master in the Martial Arts Discotheque." 

The MC looked at Genma who, startled held up a sign:

[IT'S AN ANCIENT CHINESE ART]
[REQUIRES EXPERT TIMING] 

The MC looked down at his counterpart, still writhing in pain.  "Yo dawg," the fallen crewmember began, "Keep up the bum rush. I'm gonna worm to the ER" 

The first MC looked at the mascots as the injured man slithered away to medical attention. "Cool. Cool cool cool. Thanks for nothin', Shoji. Okay suckas, show me your moves!"  

Okazaemon picked up the mic left behind. He jumped onto the stage and yelled to Genma "Just trust your instincts, Neri-Panda-Man. Let the beats flow. Like this!"  Okazaemon began beatboxing on stage, the oddly mechanical, buzzing sounds he produced mixing with the beats of the DJ.  

Genma meanwhile stared at MC Oh-zam-U as he began some complicated footwork.  Genma looked at the MC, especially once he dropped to the floor to perform several windmills. Genma looked on, his eyes narrowing as MC Oh-zam-U jumped up and said, "Your turn fuzz-face"  

[YOUR BANANEIRA IS WEAK] Genma signed before beginning a dance routine. He slowly spun around the MC Oh-zam-U, spinning and rolling his torso, before moving on to a cartwheel around and various handstands.  

A crowd began to gather as Genma got into the Capoeira-inspired routine he was making up. 

On stage, Okazaemon started getting loose and free with his beatbox as Genma moved faster, until he was spinning into crabwalk-like ponte s, into a compressed handstand Queda de rins. As Genma pushed off, kicking himself into MC Oh-zam-U, sending him up and over the stage to the amazed audience as Genma jumped up and kept dancing.  

From the stage, Okazaemon proclaimed "Brilliant my pupil! Keep it up, Neri-Panda-Man! Get your mojo working now. I'll show you how!" 

Okazaemon threw his mic at the pop-locking MC, who was knocked back into the DJ, both of whom fell back, leaving the looped beats going. 

Okazaemon jumped off stage and began hip thrusting members of the audience, leaping over children, and performing a series of handstands and cartwheels before stopping in front of an elderly woman and after a very uncomfortable pause, gave her a thumbs up with his mitten-like hand and then jumped back on stage. He performed a spinning headstand though the head of his suit remained stationary, staring blankly at the crowd. 

Genma followed suit, continuing his routine, and only harming one jogger, and three young men in greaser attire heading to their own space in the park.  

As Genma stood to the applause of the other assembled park goers, he felt a fuzzy hand on his shoulder. He looked back and saw the back of Okazaemon's head for a minute before it was corrected.  

"I have no more to teach you, Neri-Panda-Man. I must move on and forge new paths and find new frontiers in being a yuru-chara."  

[SO SOON? I JUST STARTED]  "Destiny calls, my pupil. You know enough now to fight on." 

From a distance, a middle-aged Western woman, in tight jeans and a leather jacket waved at them and yelled out, "Oka-kun! You ready?" 

Okazaemon walked towards her. "Of course, Bernice-chan! I can't wait for you to show me your hotel room!"  

Okazaemon waved before clasping the middle-aged Western woman's hand and they skipped off. Genma watched as the dead-eyed face of Okazaemon faded from view. Genma let out a plaintive growl. 

[I WON'T FORGET YOU SENSEI!] Genma signed as manly panda tears streamed down his eyes.  

Five minutes later, he wiped his face and found the park bathroom.  

Genma, now human, looked around at the now emptied out park square.  

"Huh, what day is it? I hope it's nikujaga night at home." Genma said before walking away.  

Genma arrived home as the family were enjoying a simple dinner of oyakodon. He barely noticed the leather hotpants, flat cap, and vest Ranma had on as he sat next to Nodoka and Akane. Ranma however spotted him and said, "Hey, ya made it back. That was quick. Usually when you go on a bender, takes ya three days. Did someone give ya train fare home or did ya jump the turnstile?" 

Genma narrowed his eyes. "I'm fine. I barely even drank! I met a sensei who taught me the fine art of Mascot combat. He showed me how to overcome Yamazaki and his supposedly unbeatable school!"  

Ranma nodded and smiled. "Sounds good, Pops. So ya won a fight usin' mascot rules?"  Genma waves a hand. "Not exactly... though there was great sparring and combat that was had!"  

Everyone at the table gave each other a look. Akane then volunteered, "So, does that mean you learned the rules? Uncle Saotome, what's the first rule of Mascot combat?"  

Genma confidently replied, "Coffee is for closers." 

There was a long pause before Ranma, Akane, and Nabiki burst out in laughter. Kasumi and Soun were quiet at first, but after a little bit they both had an impolitic slip of laughter. 

"F-Forgive me friend," Soun said, "It's just when you hear laughter from family it's hard not to join in..." Kasumi nodded as she covered her mouth while laughing. 

Genma frowned, feeling his face grow hot and red with anger and embarrassment. Nodoka stood and touched his shoulder.  

"Now no, dear. It's okay. I'm confident you'll live up to the Saotome name and achieve your dream."  

Genma smiled, tearing up. "Thank you! I'm so lucky to have a loving wife that believes in me."  

Nodoka politely smiled, "Well... I didn't exactly say that but... I shall cheer you on." Nodoka looked at Ranma and silently mouthed "Ten-do" to him and nodded. 

"Well!" Genma announced. "Now that that's settled, I should eat. I haven't had a bite all day."  

"Oh I'm sorry, Uncle Saotome," Kasumi began, "We didn't think you'd be here in time so I only made enough for us... I have some leftover rice and an egg left I suppose."  

Genma slumped down by the table and nodded. "That'll do, Kasumi. Thank you."

 Genma wandered the open softball field near where the match would be held. Genma wandered the open softball field near where the match would be held. The late spring morning was chilly and, for once, Genma appreciated the bright sun in the sky, though the small pup tent and campfire along the third base line seemed out of place.

Genma walked over to see a disheveled, yet familiar. teenage boy sitting on the dusty infield, pouring hot water from a kettle into a torn open pouch of garlic and scallion- flavored mashed potatoes. 

"Ryouga Hibiki? Why the hell are you sitting here in the middle of the park?" 

Ryouga looked up and saw Genma and, off in the distance, doing backflips while kicking a soccer ball repeatedly. He replied flatly. "I'm a lone drifter, sir. Your son knows that."  

Genma blinked. "But your house is literally three blocks down the street. We lived in that boarding house there on the corner.... Besides, you need to pack up regardless. There's to be a duel here before long." 

"No way! I just returned from getting lost in a great wood with nothing but my wits, a sharp knife, and a house made of candy I accidentally blew up, for survival... How was I supposed to know the frisbee I found was an unexploded mine?" 

Genma regarded Ryouga with raised eyebrows, before turning his head and yelling back, "Boy! Come to talk some sense into this poor wretch!" 

Ranma stood and grabbed the soccer ball from mid air and began muttering as he came over, "Fine... always cleanin' up your freakin—woah!—" He froze as he saw Ryouga. "Jeez porkbutt, I know ya can't find your own butt, even after we made that map, but you're so freakin' friendless you can't even get someone to take you home from the park by your house!?" 

Ryouga turned away from Ranma, looking into his open sachet and lazily stirred around with a plastic spoon.  

"... mashed potatoes can be your friend," he muttered, adding a salt packet and his tears for seasoning.  

"Ugh. Look, Ryouga. Pops is gonna get his ass kicked by some mascot guy in like two hours. How about I take ya home, you can freshen up and then we can come back and get a Coke after the old man gets pulverized."  

"I was enjoying my food, Saotome..." Ryouga replied in a low voice, trying to stir out a lump.  

"Look, we'll make a date of it. I'll even 'Yoiko' it up for you if you like. Pretty sure I left some clothes in her room." 

"Boy?" Gemma raised his voice in confusion.  

"Ah, it's just for fun, Pops. And don't lecture me. I found your diary behind your stash of snacks. I know about 1972 through 1974." 

Gemma recoiled and, after some stammering, said, "Well... be back before the match starts. I need your help if I'm going to have a chance here."  

Ranma and Ryouga gave Genma a pointed look. 

"A one-percent chance is still a chance, boy! And you owe me! I bet against you when you got into that fight after the Master used the Moxibustion on you!? I lost two months of good drinking money on that Hiryu Shouten Hahaha..." 

Ryouga dropped his instant mashed potatoes back in the pouch. "Okay, now I lost my appetite." He stood and grabbed his pack. "Let's get out of here." 

"Can I still wear the Yoiko outfit?" Ranma asked. 

Ryouga noticeably blushed before stammering, "I-I-I'm really not into that sort of thing." 

"Not everything is about you, Porkbutt." 

Genma sighed and shook his head. "If he's going to play for both teams, he needs to date richer. That's what I did."  

Genma looked at the empty field and began some light stretches. After some warmups, he wiped his brow and looked at the sun, climbing steadily into the late morning.  

"Huh... where is he? Maybe the bastard forfeit?"  

Genma chuckled to himself at the thought. The chuckle grew into a small laugh, then louder, then a deep guttural chuckle. He felt his very self shake with mirth. After some time, it began to feel like the very earth was shaking in laughter with him. When he stopped laughing, the ground continued to shake.  

Genma turned behind him to see a very large semi-truck tow a stage, followed by a convoy of trucks carrying lights, sound equipment, decorations. Behind that, several buses carrying crowds of fans, which "Nerima Ward Tourism Authority - Home of Nerimaru!"  

"Shit." Genma said to himself as the wave of industrialized pageantry washed over him. 

All around him, seemingly in the blink of an eye, a stage was erected behind him and technicians began setting up microphones, lights, and other equipment, including a soundboard to the side of the stage.  

People began to take seats on the bleachers of the baseball field as banners with "Great Mascot Battle! Nerimaru vs. Neri-Panda-Man!" Genma spotted Nodoka seated to the very right of the bleachers in the quickly filling third row. Nodoka noticed and gave a small wave hello. As Genma walked closer, he saw her hold up a sign saying, "I Hope Everyone Has a Good Time!"  

Genma rolled his eyes, before seeing Nodoka had flipped it to show a fairly well done sketch of Nerimaru punching a Panda in the face.  

Genma sighed. "Really dear, you think so little of me!?"  

Nodoka shook her head, "I'm sorry. It was last minute, so I commissioned Nabiki. She has a good sense of anatomy and line work, but her sense of humor leaves something to be desired." 

"I knew I could count on you!" Genma looked up to see Ranma show up and sit next to his mother, "You got this, after all." 

"I know you wouldn't turn your back on me in the end!"  

Ranma blinked and looked at Genma, "Oh, hey Pops. I was talking to Mom. She said she was saving me a seat while I went to get snacks."

Genma grabbed his forehead, "Completely disrespected, disregarded, dis... discombobulated! Oh the shame!"  

"Calm down, Pops. I got ya somethin'.... Well technically it's from your drinking money Ma gives ya, but you can have it."

Ranma tossed Genma a bottle of water.  

"So you've given up being my corner man for this important battle for the honor of Anything Goes!?"  

"No it isn't, stop being an idiot. And what corner, Pops? That's a stage." Ranma opened a candy and threw the wrapper in the trash bin next to the bleachers. Genma looked back and the stage was fully set up, speakers, lighting, and staff running about running final checks, including a young man doing a mic check.

A head sprung up from the trash bin, revealing Tsubasa as he brushed the candy wrapper from his long blonde hair. "Yes, Mr. Saotome. I'm here observing Master Yuruzume from here. You're on in twelve minutes, by the way." Tsubasa threw the wrapper back at Ranma, "don't litter!"  

Ranma and Genma both shouted, "gah!" in surprise.  "Oh, it's you," Ranma said, before turning to Genma, "Anyway, Pops, Ma n' I 'll hold the fort here." 

Genma was about to reply when the ear-piercing sound of microphone feedback prompted him to begin running backstage. He arrived to find a man with a headset and clipboard holding a hand up. 

"Hey, man! Only Talent is allowed back here!"  

"I am the talent!" Genma replied.  

"Where's your costume?"  

Genma upended the bottle of water and pulled out a sign 

[I'M ALWAYS WEARING IT] 

"Great. You're on in ten, fat man!" The tech grabbed Genma by the paw and led him to a green room. He was led to a makeup chair and sat down.  

From behind Genma, a petite woman with grey hair and glasses much larger than her eyes appeared. She held a wide-toothed comb in one hand. With the other she pinched his elbow, soliciting an annoyed growl from Genma.  

"Oh my, how fierce! It's been ages since I worked with someone who does method, honey! I'm Shouko. Now hold still. I'm gonna fluff up this pelt you call an outfit!" 

With the deftness and practice of a show dog groomer (or perhaps a sheep-shearer) she ran up and down the length of Genma's panda fur, pulling out several matted bits of fur in some rather delicate areas and between the ears. Afterwards, she rubbed his face with a leave-in conditioner and sprayed him with jasmine-scented perfume. 

"There you go! Looking rather dapper, dear. I'd probably call your supplier for a new headpiece. It seems to be thinning a bit off the top."  

[SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW?]] 

Shouko let out a small chuckle as the music outside began to swell. 

"Ah, that's your cue, honey. Knock 'em dead, young man."  

"Growf..." Genma stood and before he could take a step, another stagehand opened the door and grabbed him by the wrist. "You're up!"  

Genma was led to just off of stage right. Standing downstage was Ward Council Member Kobayashi, dressed as before but without the jacket. His sleeves rolled up in feigned nonchalance.  

"Welcome community members. We're so glad you can come. We have people from all over the ward, from the college students in Sekeimachi-Minami to our proud soldiers of the 1st Division of the Ground Self-Defense Force serving in Camp Nerima! From one of the gems of Tokyo City culture in Hikarigaoka to the humble middle-class environs of Furinkan! We thank all of you for coming to this, rather... surprising event!"  

"Get to the fight!" A young man in a tank top and "banzai!" headband yelled. 

"Yeah! Less talking, more punching!" A woman in digital camo yelled. 

"Ah, right. Before last week, I... well the Ward council was unaware of the Guild and its storied history. To be frank, we were worried about how it would look to have two lovable... well iconic, er... identifiable figures in combat. Thankfully, a Guild representative spoke with us and she allayed our fears. It was then that we decided to hold this event here! Thank you to Don Quijote, Family Mart, and Super Viva Home Centers for sponsoring the event!"  

After a smattering of light applause, Council Member Kobayashi began: 

"Now then, without further ado, Let;s bring it to our announcer and referee, Yuugi-Man!" 

From Stage Left, a mascot dressed as a giant tennis ball with large googly eyes and a mouth, framed such that the prominent Wilson branding looked like a large mustache, bounced onto the stage until he landed in the center. The mascot stood up, his legs and arms now sticking out of the ball, holding up a microphone to the side of his head. His voice echoed cleanly through the PA system: 

"Ladies and Gentlemen! Please give it up for your Mascot Fighting Combatants! To my right, our challenger: A humble lumbering endangered species from the placid streets of Furinkan-cho, Neri-Panda-Man!"  

Genma slowly walked in from stage right, to a moderate amount of applause. Feeling uplifted, he smiled and waved as he confidently strode towards center stage. He was surprised when a loose wire caught his foot and he tripped, almost falling on his face before catching himself in a handstand and jumping back to his feet.  

This created a much larger round of applause from the audience.  

"And, his opponent, taught in the ways of the famed Yuru School of Image Character Combat. Scion of Shakujimachi, and representing Nerima's rich tradition of farming, broadcasting, anime, and innovative techniques in animal husbandry... The lovable NERIMARUUUUU!" 

The crowd's cheering increased in volume as Nerimaru bounded out, taking large hop-like steps as he waved to the crowd and shimmied his body. 

"Nerima Ward! Nerimaru loves you all!" he shouted into a microphone he had in his hand. As he got within striking distance to Genma, he flicked the microphone off and said in a voice just loud enough to be heard by Genma: 

"I will destroy you, Panda Man, and bring honor to the Yuruzume School." 

[YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEONE IS SENSUALLY CHOKING A BALLOON] 

Yuugi-Man bounced back and landed between Genma and Dairoku. He stood up and placed his arms out, separating them  

After turning off his microphone, Yuugi-Man spoke to the two contestants with a deep, gruff voice cultivated by decades of smoking and hard living, "All right, fellas. I wanna see a clean match and Guild rules followed, ya got that? Nothing but cuteness n' slick choreography as the two fo ya pummel each other senseless. Got it?" 

Genma, a bit frozen in surprise, turned to look at the fake eyes of the Nerimaru costume before correcting his aim at the small slit through which Dairoku saw from.  

"Agreed." 

[I'M GOOD] 

Yuugi-Man turned his body to face the stage and turned his microphone on once more, announcing,  

"Let the match begin!"  

The audience let out a roar of applause and cheers 

"Please welcome: The Preschool class from Shakujidai Nursery School Number Two! Contestants... LET'S GET READY TO CUDDLE!!!!"  

[WAIT WHAT?] 

Genma's sign flew out of his hand and Nerimaru slapped it away before striking Genma in the gut with a giant novelty magnifying glass.  

And Genma bent over, he saw a line of about thirty five-year olds, in their blue uniforms and yellow sun hats, assembled in a loose circle around him and Nerimaru. He could hear a few of them giggle in high-pitched voices.  

"Hehe, the panda is funny!"  "Gogo Nerimaru!" 

Genma shook his head and he went into an offensive pose and rushed Nerimaru. Genma moved with practiced ease, but was surprised when Nerimaru put his small arms up and bobbed and weaved past his series of punches with well paced Dempsey Rolls.  

"Yay!" The children began to cheer.  "Nerimaru is sooo fast!"    Genma pulled back with a huff, reassessing his opponent. Only a second later he raised his paws in time to dodge an arm strike as Nerimaru pressed the counterattack, swiping at Genma with his giant novelty magnifying glass. Genma turned and dodge a lunging stab, blacked it with his left arm and, with a jump, kicked Nerimaru square in the soft, white midsection.  

Nerimaru let out a deep grunt, which was quickly corrected into a higher-pitched "owie-wowie!"  Genma smiled as he moved to press the attack further when he heard the children gasp and start to sniffle.  

"Nerimaru, no!"  "He's not dead, is he?" "Don't be a meanie, Mr. Panda!" 

Back in the stands, Ranma had a paper try of takoyaki. He picked one up with a toothpick before handing the tray to Nodoka. 

"Man, Pops is real bad with kids, huh." 

Nodoka took a takoyaki herself and remarked, "Well you'd know better than me, but I can't say he ever had any rapport with the neighborhood children back in the day."  

Tsubasa sighed. "This is sad. He thinks he can beat Master Yuruzume?"  

"I think the Old Man forgot you needed ta actually be a people person to do this job." 

Back on stage, Genma paused and gulped. He turned to the kids and began to do a small dance. On queue, a cheap-sounding synth cover of Donguri Kokoro began to play. Genma heard the crying ease up and, for effect, he began doing a few somersaults to entertain the kids who began to sing along:  

Rolling down and down the hill, Mr. Acorn,
Oh goodness no, he fell into the water!
Then came the loach fish who said Hi Mr. Acorn 
Come little one, let's play in here together. 

Little rolling Mr. Acorn was so happy
He played with the loach fish for quite a while
But soon Mr. Acorn missed his mountain home
He cried but the loach fish couldn't make him smile. 

In the middle of his second somersault, he was stopped midway. Genma looked up and saw Nerimaru, staring down with dead eyes and a dead smile and he heard, in a low whisper. 

"You think you can bring joy to this town like that? You're a pathetic fat man playing at being a Yuru Fighter. Your family is ashamed of you for this pathetic display."  

Nerimaru did a little kick, directly to the side of Genma's head, causing Genma to roll backwards as the song kept playing until he ended up near the edge of the stage flat on his back.  

Genma growled in annoyance as he heard the innocent laughter of the children around him. He jumped up and with a gruff, moved back to the offensive. He moved into action when Nerimaru ducked sooner than Genma anticipated and turned in such a manner that the stage lights reflected into Genma's eyes, temporarily blinding him.  

Nerimaru followed it up with a powerful double striking palm that struck Genma in the chest, literally forcing him on the back foot as he slid back. Genma recovered his vision in time to duck under another antenna strike. He was spotting a counter attack when he felt a presence he hadn't sensed in almost a decade emanating from behind.  

Genma quickly shifted his eyes and spotted one of the kindergarteners, a little girl whose dark blue uniform barely hid the multitudinous grass stains, looking focused on him. She began lifting her knee up to kick Genma in his ample and furry posterior. Just as the young girl began to raise her foot, Genma turned and held up a white index card popped in front of her face. Written, in simple kana, were the words: 

[If you can read this, I'll give you 1000 yen to kick Nerimaru instead] 

The girl paused and after silently mouthing the words to herself, she replied, "Two-thouthand."   

"Growf!?" Genma flipped the card over.  [I'm not made of money, kid! 1500 yen.] 

"1800 or I'll tell mama you tried to bribe me, Mr. Panda." 

[fine!] Genma replied with a second card and a handful of change. 

The kid crabbed the coins and Genma turned his full attention back on Nerimaru, deftly grabbing the mascot's wrist and slowly locking it back while bouncing to more cloying playtime music. With a yank to begin an arm throw, Genma bent Nerimaru at the waist and waited.  

On cue, Genma let go of Nerimaru as he jumped and shrieked in pain, inadvertently launching himself towards stage left.  

Genma gave the little kid a thumbs up just as bell rang 

Yuugi-Man held his arms up as he ran towards center stage 

"Round 1 is over! Give a round of applause to our young children!" A harried teacher ran on stage and huddled the group of children offstage.  

"And here are the results from the judges. Round One goes to... Nerimaru!"  

[WHAT!? HE'S ON THE FLOOR THERE!"] 

"That may be, but he was awarded extra points for being the victim of Article 3, Section 18, Subsection 12.43A. Also known as the 'little shit' clause"  

[DAMN] 

Yuugi-man bounced next to Genma and patted his shoulder. "Don't worry, Neri-Panda-Man. Round Two is set to begin soon!"  

Nerimaru stood up and walked back to the middle of the stage.  

"Stupid fool, not knowing the most basic of rules. Once I win this round, fat man, I will show you come down on you with the might of the Yuru School and the Mascot Guild! You will wish you had never put on that cheap flea ridden costume!" 

[BUT IT'S NOT] Genma was about to write more when a bell rang.  

Yuugi-Man pushed Genma and Nerimaru aside.  

"OKAY! Ladies and Gentlemen... Round Two: Local Delicacy Delivery! Mascots: Ready your cannons!" 

[WHAT!?] 

"What!?" Nerimaru yelled in unison with Genma's sign. 

Yuugi-Man pointed to his sides, as two stagehands, in blue jumpsuits, ran towards the center and handed Genma and Nerimaru a large gun somewhere between a paintball gun and rifle.  

In Nerimaru's gun was a large hopper filled with steaming hot rolls of bread. In Genma's was a large tank filled with cubes of clear jelly, fruit, and balls of sweet rice flour all floating in a heavy, light brown syrup. 

Nerimaru protested, "This is highly irregular! Why aren't we using our own strength!?"  

"Quiet, yous." Yuugi-Man tuned back and whispered in the same unsettling gruff voice again, which caused the two combatants to jump back. "The Ward Council wanted ta try somethin' new and bought these air cannons. They're made fer shootin' shirts at sporting events, but they got modified to throw food at this mob of yokels."  

Turning back to the audience, Yuugi-Man spoke once more in his clean announcer voice.  

"Ladies and Gentlemen, while the combatants resume hostilities, they will be serving local foods of the prefecture: Fried Bread, Anmitsu, and other local delicacies! In fact, some very lucky members in the crowd will receive a coveted Nerima Daikon! The envy of all of the highest class Ginza restaurants, known nationwide and globally!" 

Yuugi-Man turned his round body to his left, then right.  "Combatants, On your marks, get set, SAMPLE!" He bounced upstage and left Nerimaru and Genma armed with deliciousness.  

Nerimaru fired out a few rounds from his bread cannon.  

The crowd clapped in joy as the audience caught the warm, sugar topped treats.  "Oh how nostalgic. Like my old school lunch!" 

Genma, not to be outdone, pointed his gun upwards and pulled the trigger. At once a sluice of jelly, syrup, and sweet rice dumplings shot out in an arc, landing on a section in the third row. There were gasps of shock as the crowd was covered in the sticky mess.  

"Oh God, it's in my hair!"  "I knew carrying this bowl everywhere would be handy one of these days"  

Nerimaru danced a jig. Genma could hear Dairoku laugh at him under the costume.  "Seems like you've fallen victim to the first law of sample distribution. Anmitsu is a poor finger food, Neri-Panda-Man!" 

Genma rolled his eyes and let out a growl as he turned the gun and fired a gob of anmitsu at Nerimaru's feet. Nerimaru tried to run out of the way, but his feet were covered in syrup and fruit juice and, after a moment, his soft boots began to slip on the syrup and he fell down.  

Genma let out a laugh and the audience followed suit, enjoying the antics. 

[YOU FELL VICTIM TO THE LAW OF GRAVITY] 

"You bastard!"Dairoku yelled as Nerimaru got up to a kneeling position and began indiscriminately firing on Genma. Genma was hit in the arm and he let out a growl in pain as retreated back. He found some equipment cases piled up by the setup crew and he looked for better cover. Nerimaru lined up a shot and, cocking back his gun, fired a 50 centimeter, 5 kilogram daikon radish dead in the middle of Genma's posterior.  

With a "GROWF!" Genma was thrown over the equipment boxes.  

Nerimaru stood and gave a wave to the crowd, firing smaller daikon and fried bread as Genma came to his senses and sat up. He aimed to fire back and pulled the trigger. There was a click. He tried again until even the trigger was stuck in place. He felt a cold wetness ooze from the firing chamber. He dipped his paw in it and tasted it. 

[HEY THIS GUN IS GUMMED UP!] [IT'S LEAKING SYRUP!] 

"Wait one second!" A voice from offstage yelled behind Genma. After a few seconds, as Genma ducked behind fried bread fire, the figure, a stagehand wearing a grey blazer Arrived. He handed Genma another gun, this one attached to a large hose.  

Genma looked at the gun and saw a small cylindrical tank, about the size of a water bottle attached to the magazine. There was a small yellow-orange fish swimming inside of it.  

[IS THAT A CARP?] 

"Yes, but there's also goldfish, sardines, live shrimp, lots of stuff," the man explained pointing at the hose, which led to a larger tank with many different fish swimming about. "The Ward Office wanted to promote local businesses as well as delicacies and the Fishing Pond Cafe is near the Cultural Center downtown!" 

[THAT 'CATCH AND EAT' PLACE BY THE STATION?] 

"That's the one."  

[THEN CATCH, DAIFUKU!] Genma threw up the sign, which lasted a few seconds before it was pummeled and destroyed by a salvo of bread.  

Genma hyped up the crowd with one arm waving. He waited until there was a break where Nerimaru was reloading to turn and aim the gun towards Nurimaru andWith precision marksmanship, Genma fired a small bitterling carp at high speed into the eyeslit of Nerimaru's outfit, knocking the top-heavy mascot back.  

Genma pressed the advantage, jumping over the speakers and crates that served as impromptu cover and firing round after round of delicious fresh seafood. 

Nerimaru's was drenched, wet cotton and fleece, covered in flopping smelt and sardines. Crayfish clawed onto other parts of the costume where the material was at its thinnest, digging into the performer inside.  

"Ahh, my eyes! There's shrimp legs in my eyes!" Nerimaru screamed as he tried to shake off the small fish and shellfish while writhing on the ground as the bell rang. 

Yuugi-Man bounced back center stage and announced:  "Round Two goes to Neri-Panda-Man!"  

Genma basked in the polite applause and fired a salvo into the crowd as onlookers used canvas tote bags and large sun hats to catch the bounty of the ocean as water sprayed over the crowd 

In the bleachers, Ranma spit out a mouthful of water and a goldfish. With a loud, high pitched scream, she shouted, "God damn it, Old man! I'm trying to butch it up here!" 

Nodoka shook her head and patted Ranma on the shoulder. "Oh don't worry honey, you're plenty butch when you want to be, your form doesn't make much difference."

"Really Ma?" Ranma looked up and smiled at her mother. 

"Of course! I'd say you give it your manliest about..." She paused thinking, "About half the time? At least forty-five percent of the time."

Ranma frowned slightly  before hearing Tsubasa let of a cackle and reply, "If that."  

"Shut the hell up, Tsubasa. You don't get a say in how much of a man I am!" 

"Oh, so your mom knows about the okonomiyaki bet, then?"  

Ranma picked up the fish from the floor and threw it at Tsubasa's head. "Shut it." 

"Ranma, please, no fighting in the audience." Nodoka chided, handing her a large thermos. "And forty-five percent is still better than your father. I think being a panda suits him more." 

Yuugi-man gave an announcement to the audience, "We'll wait a moment for the combatants and stage to reset and we'll begin the final round of combat... The talent showcase!" 

A small army of mops and push brooms ran up and down the stage. A stagehand came to Genma and said, "Uh... there wasn't anything on the call sheet. What kind of talent do you have?"

[TALENT....]
[I DRINK A LOT?]

The stagehand scratched the back of his head. "Well the sound guy's got a whiskey stash under the console, but you got somethin' you wanna perform in front of the families out there?" 

Genma looked behind the stagehand and saw an open crate with "Tagara Discount Circus."  Around it was a loose pile of hula hoops, juggling pins, plates and bowls for spinning and, nestled in the middle of the junk, a large Walking Globe

[I'LL TAKE THAT]

A few minutes later, energetic instrumental rock music began ramping up as Nerimaru sprung back on stage, clapping his hands and leading the crowd into clapping along as a guitar solo wailed for a bit. 

As the music faded down a bit, Nerimaru adjusted the antenna on his head and checked his headpiece, pointed across from him and yelled to the crowd.  

"Everyone! It's me Nerimaru! Love of Nerima Ward and fighter for peace! Is everyone having a good time!" The crowd let out a big cheer.  And Nerimaru gave a thumbs up. 

He turned to face the other side of the stage and pointed. 

"What ho! This villain shall be defeated to save the town!"

Emerging from Stage right, Genma balanced on top of the walking globe and entered center stage. He waved to the crowd and held a sign that said:  

[♥ I'M JUST A CUTE PANDA, NERI-PANDA-MAN! ♥] 

The crowd clapped for Genma as he began to jump on the Globe.

"I won't be filled by your parlor tricks! I shall defeat this imposter, who only cares for himself, in the name of justice!" Nerimaru struck a fighting pose, moving his arms in his best tokusatsu impression.

"Nooooo~ Don't be mean to Mr. Panda-man!" one of the kindergarteners in the front row yelled.  

"That's aminal cwuelty." her younger brother replied. 

Nerimaru shook his head and yelled, "Nay, He looks cute, but he is a villain who wishes to harm and besmirch this neighborhood!"  

He pointed again at Genma, began doing a somersault on top of the globe as he moved around the stage. Yuruzume swore under his breath as there was a smattering of applause by the crowd. 

Genma then stood again on the globe and began to use a hula hoop as a jump rope, putting the hoop around his body as he jumped.

Back in the stands Nodoka smiled. "Oh, I love when he does that trick. It's a good core workout for him." She let all a small giggle and said, with a covered hand to Ranma and Tsubasa, "I shouldn't say this, but He's surprisingly better at missionary now than when we were younger."  

"Yo, Tsubasa," Ranma asked, hands on his face. "You got any beer bottles in that outfit of yours I can crack my skull on and forget I heard that?"  

Back on stage, the crowd cheering on Genma finally caused Nerimaru to stomp his feet. 

"Enough of this tomfoolery! This is a fight! My raw talent is bringing honor to the Yuru School of Image Character Combat and the Mascot Guild! You make a mockery of us!"

[NOT YOUR COSTUME?] Gemma flashed a sign at Nerimaru while spinning around him.
[YOU LOOK LIKE THE SANRIO DUMPSTER]

"ARGH!!" Nerimaru screamed and kicked the Walking Globe out from Genma's feet. " And what of that fleabag you call a costume!" 

Genma landed on his feet and raised his paw to block Nerimaru's kick.

[THIS ISN'T A COSTUME] Genma signed before smacking Nerimaru over the head with the sign and following it up with a strike from his open paw

Nerimaru raised an arm to block, only to see deep slashes in the upper arms of the costume. 

"What!?" Dairoku Yuruzume spoke, his voice beginning to tremble as he felt the shreds of costume fall to the stage.

"W-w-w-what are you!? You can't be a real bear! This is some illegal weapon! Foul! I call a foul!"

Genma let out a loud, animalistic roar right at the opening of Nerimaru's costume. Genma sunk his claws into Nerimaru's side, ripping the fabric to one side. 

Genma let out a large feral roar as he lifted his paws upward, his claws sinking into the bottom of the costume's head. At first he tried to lift the head up to remove it, but found it too difficult to do so. Genma wondered if the head was glued on to the body when he pulled harder. He began to rip the head of the costume at its sides, ripping it at the seam. With a final growl of rage, he ripped through the aviator hat and made it up to the antenna. Genma gripped the implement which he ripped off Nerimaru's head.  

With the final point of contact removed, Nerimaru's head fell into two pieces like a pistachio shell. In its place was the human, or rather human-appearing face of Dairoku Yuruzume, exposed. However, Genma was more fascinated by its shape closely matching the oblong bottom heavy semi-circular shape of the costume itself, his jowls extending sideways as though someone had pinched his cheeks to close up a gyoza.  

Genma took a step back and raised a sign 

[WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR HEAD!?] 

"Macrocephaly is a serious condition! I can't help it!" 

[YOU LOOK LIKE A MALFORMED SOUP DUMPLING] 

"You Bastard! I'll kill you!" 

Yuugi-Man bounced in front of Dairoku. "Stop! The fight is over! Yuruzume, you lost!"  

"I don't care, this is personal now!" Dairoku Yuruzume slammed his arms, still covered by the mascot suit, down on the side of Yuugi-Man. The Tennis-Ball shaped referee was served out into the crowd. 

"It's just you and me now, you fat mutant bastard!" "GROWF GROWF GROWF!" Genma called out raising a sign: [HOT WATER BOY! I NEED YOU] 

Ranma looked up from a paperback copy of Fear of Flying and blinked. "Oh! Yeah! Here ya go, Old Man!" Ranma lazily tossed the half-filled thermos at the stage in a tall arc. Genma jumped up and grabbed it, pouring water on himself and fixing his glasses before taking on an offensive stance.  

"You're right, Yurikoma. My family is disappointed in me. I am a bit fat, a sloppy drunk, and a bit of a bastard. But that's not because I'm a bad mascot. I'm just a bad husband and father."  

Genma crushed the metal thermos in his hands as felt himself build up his ki. 

"However, there is one thing I'm very good at. Now that the match is done, Yurumuze, I'm not bound to any of your stupid ass rules anymore. Now, you're in my house and, as the name of my school says..." Genma smiled maliciously as he pulled his fists back.  

In a instant, Genma threw himself at Yuruzume yelling, "Anything Goes, asshole!" 

In a series of punches, kicks, and less than legal eye-gouging, Genma left Yuruzume in a broken and bruised file of flesh inside of a sweat and blood-stained costume body. 

Genma stood back up and, while catching his breath, fixed the front of his gi. He then put on a smirk and started laughing 

"Ha-ha! That's right, Yuzu Lemon Face! I won! Nobody messes with Genma Saotome!" 

"Genma Saotome? The same Genma Saotome we have several outstanding warrants for check fraud, theft, and operating a cow while intoxicated?" 

"Oh, heheh... Not that Genma Saotome! Different kanji, I swear!" 

Genma yelled out as the police began to place his arms behind him and arrest him, "Help! I'm being Shanghaied by a horse radish!"  

"Yeah yeah, tell us about it at the station..." One police officer said as the other began pulling him away. 

The Ward Council, who had just arrived on stage with a medal and plaque looked on blankly as Genma and the policeman left the stage. There was an awkward silence and a bit of microphone feedback as Councilman Kobayashi approached the front of the stage,  

"Ah, um... Well... I suppose the Ward can't hire someone who's wanted by the police. Nerimaru is our new mascot!" Councilman Kobayashi proclaimed as the other two councilmembers left the awards next to Yuruzume, who let out a very slow groan of appreciation, but mostly pain. 

From the stands, amongst the applauding crowd that began to get up and go home, Ranma turned to his mom and asked, "Shouldn't we do somethin' about Pops?"  

Nodoka shook her head and smiled. "Now now, Ranma. Interfering with law enforcement would be a violation of Mascot Code. Specifically Sections 3a and 3f." 

"My word, Mrs. Saotome!" The trashcan at the end of the bleachers said excitedly as Tsubasa popped out, his long hair tied in twintails using discarded paper soda cups. "I didn't expect you to know The Code so intimately!" 

Nodoka blushed. "Well, if I can confess something. In my younger years, I was something of a guild member myself. I did some work for Sanrio in the 70s, and I got my start as a young girl doing work for Fujiya." 

Ranma looked confused as Nodoka suddenly gave Tsubasa a silly smile, her tongue sticking out of the right side of her mouth .

Tsubasa gasped and brought his hands to his face "Oh my goodness! Peko-chan-sama!? From the Milky candy!? You're a legend!" 

Nodoka chuckled, "Oh, that was a very long time ago. I tried to explain how things worked to my husband, and even sparred with him, but you know how stubborn men can be, dearies." Nodoka gave a wink at Ranma and Tsubasa who looked at each other, confused. 

"Oh! And Tsubasa, dear. Tell Dairoku I'm almost finished repairing the pressure hose in the costume I borrowed that my husband broke in our sparring match. It was fun to play Pam again. I miss the old Sanrio Characters." 

"Of, of course Mrs. Saotome—Master Saotome, I mean!" Tsubasa disappeared into the trash can and hopped away.   

Epilogue 

It was a scorcher of a day, especially for early May. On a small wooden stage, an assembled row of the local town council, members of the Furinkan Chamber of Commerce such, which now included Ukyou, were wiping their brows with handkerchiefs as a hunched over septuagenarian in a well fitting, but worn brown suit, fiddled with a microphone stand.  

The audience was attended mostly by couples with young children who had paused from a day of grocery shopping and fun. Next to them were a few low-ranking government officials from the Ward Council as well as Akane, Ranma, and Nodoka. They were assembled around the old vacant lot which, over the last three months, had been renovated into a brand new playground with comfortable rubberized ground, comfortable benches, and brand new swings, slides, monkey bars, and a jungle gym. 

"A-Ahem," The old man cleared his throat, causing a wave of audio feedback to screech and everyone to wince in pain. 

"Excuse me... Welcome to this beautiful Children's Day! Er, um, as the head of the city council, I want to announce the opening of the new Furinkan Recreational Playground. I'd like to thank the Ward Office, the Furinkan Chamber of Commerce, and the citizens of our beautiful town for coming on this day."  

He bowed to the polite applause." 

"In addition to this new playground for our wonderful local children, the Furinkan Town Council would also like to introduce our new mascot, thanks to the cooperation of the Ward Council and the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department."  

The man pointed to his left and, from around the corner, Genma in Panda form bounded out and towards the front of the small stage. In his hand was a handful of balloons and his furry face was painted with two circles of pink blush 

"Everyone, meet "Furin-chan", Furinkan's newest mascot! For today, Furin-chan will be part of the playground. I welcome all of the young children to come out and enjoy the fruits of the town's labor and play with her!" 

Genma walked out to the middle of the playground, arms outstretched. In a wave of high pitched shrieks, dozens of toddlers, pre-schoolers, and kindergarteners mobbed Genma. Genma felt more popular than the jungle gym as children climbed around and up his fur, hung off his arms, yanked his tail, and ran about yelling in glee. 

Two hours later, Genma was rubbing his head as Nodoka led him home by the arm. Ranma, walking behind him said, "Not too bad Pops. Ain'tcha glad the judge was kind enough of you ta let you off with just community service? And hell, it's what ya wanted ta do anyway."  

"Feh. I wanted to get paid to have those hellions get their grubby hands on me. I'm pretty sure I still have some kid's gum stuck in my fur."  

Ranma widened his eyes. "Still? But you changed back."  

"Yes, well a 4 year-old can only reach so high up and she wanted to pet my tail, so... And when you get to my age, you get fur in places where the sun don't shine."  

Ranma let out a revolted "ack" as Nodoka squeezed Genma's arm. "Not to worry. I have an extra razor you can use, dear." 

"Oh That's fine. I have some I took from the boy. I have some semblance of grooming, after all."  

Ranma stopped dry heaving and exclaimed, "Hey, those are for my legs, not your asshair, old man! Get back here!" 

Genma turned and made a face at Ranma before running away and into the path of someone throwing water from a fish tank out onto the street. 

[YOU HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST, BOY!] 

Nodoka looked on as her husband and child ran off ahead of her. She asked herself, "I wonder if it's too late to add a walk-in closet and a bamboo garden to the new construction?"  

END