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r/relationshipadvice
u/nobblobb420
Help! I [22M, straight] am homophobic towards my gay roommate [M23] and am in desperate need of advice!
Okay so this is a throwaway cause people irl know my reddit and I really need the advice/ judgement of the anonymus masses rn.
So first things first, let me say that I’ve never thought myself to have these homophobic tendencies. I have some queer friends, went to gay bars, watched drag race, etc. generally I try to be an ally towards the community whenever I can! So all of these negative feelings are coming out of nowhere for me.
‘”Dream” has been my roommate for one year, and made it pretty obvious from the start that he was gay and I really didn't have any 'objections' back then.
We became quite good friends after a while and even use like pet names for each other and jokingly flirt sometimes.
Like he'll say something like "OP treasure of my heart would you be a darling and fetch me xy" when he can't be arsed to step away from his canvas and I'll answer something like "anything for the love of my life" and bring it to him. Like normal friendly back and forth.
I’m straight and he knows that, but I really don't feel weirded out or anything by our bickering, it's funny and I enjoy teasing him!
He told me once that most straight guys wouldn't be as cool with it as I am and that he's really thankful for my friendship and like yeah i feel the same way we just have this casual connection you know?
So here comes the ugly part: Dream brings guys home sometimes. And at the start I thought I was okay with it, since it’s really not my business who he sleeps with.
He's also not doing it like directly in my face or in our shared spaces and usually texts me beforehand so I know if someone else is in the apartement.
But for some reasons I’ve started to feel just very weird if I even see him with other guys, like casual hugging them goodbye, or kissing them on the cheek or something, like really really tame stuff.
I don’t know when I started to feel that way, but one time I remember well, is a few weeks ago when I came home earlier than planned from uni and saw him and some guy making out on the couch.
I don’t know how to describe what it was like to see that, except that for a moment my chest just hurt extremly bad and thought I was going to throw up.
Dream noticed that of course, sent his date home and like just made me drink tons of water that evening and I eventually felt better, but it was really hard to sleep that night and the following cause I just saw him kissing that dude over and over again when I tried to sleep.
And I just feel so bad about being as disgusted as I was and like obsessing over his love life. There is literally NO good reason for me to feel that way. He's my friend he can do whatever he wants so why does it bother me so much??
I hoped my disgust was maybe a one time thing, bc of the suprise but after that, every time he had a guy over or went clubbing without me I just start feeling like shit and can't stop thinking about what they are doing and I just feel this yeah kind of hate towards his hook-ups and I am normally a really friendly guy (when I am not being a fucking homophobe that is).
And I mean these are just casual hook-ups and I don't know how I'll cope with him getting an actual boyfriend one day.
Dream is noticing all of this of course and it’s really affecting our friendship. Yesterday I came home and ran into his hook-up, who was just about to leave. He tried to make some friendly smalltalk but I kinda snapped at him (don’t remember what I said, but it was pretty obvious that I was pissed off).
Dream saw that and confronted me later why I was being such an asshole. I really didn't know the answer to that and then he asked if I had a problem with him sleeping with other guys.
And like I answered no, because my weird feelings are my shit to deal with and I don't EVER want him to feel bad about his sexuality because of me.
But for some reason that pissed him off and he said I can’t complain since I bring my fwb over too and he was subjected to seeing our pda sometimes before he could even drink his first coffee. (I was in this situationship with a girl like nearly a year ago, but ended it after a few months and have only once or twice brought a girl home since).
I told him he's right of course and I was just having a bad day and that of course he can sleep with whoever he wants and I really don't care. He was still pretty mad about this and told me he's going to a friend's place to calm down. I said okay. But when he was leaving he casually dropped, “And you’ll be okay if I fuck him as long as I do that at his place and not ours?"
I answered that it’s none of my business what he does with whom, but him saying that just like made my stomach drop and I felt like I had to throw up again.
He stayed over at that dudes place even though he made plans earlier to hang with me and my friends. He’s never cancelled on me before and it made me feel like shit honestly. But I know I really can't blame him for the way he reacted.
He came back in the late afternoon today and acts like everything is fine but I’m just so anxious to mess it up. His friendship really means a lot to me, I love spending time with him and I just don't want to lose him over my fucking prejudice.
So please advice:
How tf do I deal with this? I’ve never been homophobic but I’ve suddenly just developed some kind of homophobia where just the idea of my friend having sex with guys makes me uncomfortable.
And I really don’t react like this to other queer relationships either, it’s just Dream. I don’t know if this means I’m only okay with queer people as long as I’m not living with them or what. Guess I'm just a huge hypocrite?
I really want and need to get over myself and stop feeling this fucked up way. I know I'll have to leave rather sooner than later if I can't get over this, cause I see it eating at Dream and I just can't subject him to this any longer.
Does anyone here have experience with this kind of thing??
u/aziraphalesflamingcock
Are you sure that weird feeling isn’t jealousy…? i mean, this only seems to revolve around Dream specifically.
u/nobblobb420
I thought about it being jealousy but I don’t know what I’m jealous of. Yeah he has a more active sex life than me, but reacting like this to something like that is just completly irrational.
u/aziraphalesflamingcock
Yeah i thought maybe you don’t like seeing Dream with other people because you want his attention to yourself?
u/speedlimit69
Dude....your in love with that guy. It's called being jealous.
u/ballshaftball1263
My advice: you should kiss about it
u/nobblobb420
I've been getting a lot of dms about an update to my previous post on r/relationshipadvice and here it comes:
The day I made the post, I met up with my friend Jo [23F] and showed her the post. I was really worried about telling her about my feelings casue she's queer and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable.
She read the whole thing and called me a fucking idiot and basically told me the same as all the lovely comments that are clogging my inbox rn. That I have a huge crush on Dream and apparently I've been pining rather obvious for months now.
So yeah we talked about sexual orientation a lot and I think I might be pan? Idk I have a LOT to figure out.
She also pointed out that in the fight we had, he seemed to be pissed off more after I told him that I didn't give a fuck about who he slept with. And that he brought up my old FWB situation in that fight.
Jo thought it sounded like he trying to make me jealous but I just, I couldn't think about what that implicated. I just needed to come to terms with myself first.
So the days after that were mostly me taking "am I gay quizzes" and crying to coming out videos, so yeah I've been handling everything pretty well.
I also knew I had to apologize and explain myself to Dream, but was just so scared of losing our friendship and messing everything up that I just holed up in my room and barely talked to him.
But after those few days I noticed that he looked like he cried and he was like smearing black and red paint all over his current painting and also himself and our floor and even the walls.
So I finally got my ducks in order and just told him.
Wasn't probably the best moment and I was like so nervous I just stammered a lot of nonesense which understandably irritated him even more.
I don't know what excactly else I said but I know I told him that I was jealous and he was like: "as if you'd have problems of getting people to sleep with you?" and then I stammered some more and thankfully he somehow got what I meant and like yeah we ended up kissing. And I and the majority of our living room floor got smeared with paint by the things we did after that, so happy end!
I have a boyfriend and we lost our deposit!!!! WAHOO!!
I actually showed him this post and we read your comments and he agrees with all of those that called me an idiot and also says thank you for knocking some sense into me.
Tldr: I don't have a problem with Dream kissing guys as long as he is only kissing me!! And he just did that again!! And tried to pry my phone from my hands so yeah, bye (or rather bi;)) dear strangers