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Chapter Text

Shi Qingxuan lay helpless on his bed, mindlessly watching the ceiling above him. Grey, like the walls, the floor, his skin. His eyes begged for rest but like a looming shadow, the memory of his brother was on display in his mind. Not that Shi Qingxuan would be comfortable enough to sleep in the prison which held him.

He turned to his side and played with a small curl of hair which lay in front of him, remembering how Ming Yi would often reach out for of of Shi Qingxuan’s messy curls. Ming Yi..
Shi Qingxuan had finished crying, no more tears were left for him as his body and mind simply became a vessel, hollowed out.
He didn’t even startle at the sound of He Xuan entering the room, tempted to poke the other man to check if he was even still alive, but there was no need, if it wasn’t for the fact He Xuan would never let Shi Qingxuan die, he could simply tell by the way Shi Qingxuan’s body gently rose and fell with each long and purposeful breathe.

He didn’t look at He Xuan, how could he? For a man who proclaimed Shi Wudu had to “pay for his sins” he didn’t seem to think of his own. Who was he to make that judgement? He had no right, so Shi Qingxuan would not help preserve the victory by looking at the man.

He Xuan’s hair draped like vines over his shoulders as he leaned to clasp Shi Qingxuan’s jaw between his slender fingers, lifting his head up from his bed to analyse his face. He Xuan was gentle with him, even as Ming Yi he was rarely rough with the man who could take quite a beat in, but Shi Qingxuan alway braced at He Xuan’s touch as he didn’t think it above him to suddenly lash out, yet he never did. It was like he was waiting for his impending doom to come yet it never came. A part of him wished for that impending doom.

He Xuan opened his mouth then closed it again and instead simply just smudged an almost dry tear streak from Shi Qingxuan’s face in an attempt to wipe it away. He always took note on how Shi Qingxuan took pride in his appearance, as long as he was beautiful he was happy, although his neat features washed away with his pride. His hair was a curling mess and his once lively eyes hung heavy above deep bags.

After a long moment of He Xuan slipping his gaze along Shi Qingxuan’s face, he pulled him up by his forearm to get him to stand. Shi Qingxuan’s legs were numb, he wasn’t acting in defiance, his legs just hung immobile below him so He Xuan lifted him over his shoulder.

He Xuan smelled of the ocean..disgusting. A sudden twinge of disgust ran along Shi Qingxuan’s face, twisting his features slightly.

Both of the men stayed silent along their journey to another room, which Shi Qingxuan noticed while passing, still on He Xuan’s shoulder, had talismans just as his cell did to keep him inside, not that he had the fire in him to run. Steam swirled in the air, coming from the hot bath in the room as He Xuan settled Shi Qingxuan on the floor. “Undress” He Xuan murmured, as if too shy to give the demand, only to say it again harsher when the other didn’t move. This time was defiance, so he made quick work on undressing Shi Qingxuan, despite the quick tugs away from him in resistance. “Stop that. You need cleaning.”

“I can clean myself,” why did it matter to He Xuan if he was clean? He understood feeding him but making sure he bathed? Shi Qinxuan thought hard, he could refuse, but the sight of the steaming bath was a luxury he dearly missed. He had never been the type to lounge about unwashed willingly. He wanted to tell He Xuan to leave but he was in no position to boss the man about, he was his prisoner after all. Finally, Shi Qingxuan allowed He Xuan to undress him and lift him into the bath, which gave him no relief like it once did.

Pieces of Ming Yi were being revealed in He Xuan, caring for Shi Qingxuan with a moody look on his face, each touch careful and precise for Shi Qingxuan’s pleasure. To soothe him. He had to remind himself that Ming Yi was nothing but a facade and that looking for remains of him was futile. This wasn’t Heavenly Official Ming Yi anymore, and most likely never was in the first place

As He Xuan cleaned Shi Qingxuan’s hair, he mentally cursed himself. Even if Shi Qingxuan looked at him, he wouldn’t be able to see what he’s thinking, only the permanent scowl, and Shi Qingxuan knew this, and it made him wonder what were He Xuan’s true feelings.

Shi Qingxuan resisted the urge to lean back into his captors touch, shamefully enjoying how his fingers massaged soap into his hair. He hugged his knees up to his chest and rested his head on them, thoughtless for a minute.

“After this you will go back to your cell, I will provide you with new clothes to change into.” He Xuan’s words were as unreadable as When he was Ming Yi, he didn’t seem happy, nor angry. Shi Qingxuan meant to thank him but what came out instead was, “I’d rather rot in the clothes I have,” and this struck a nerve. He yelped as He Xuan yanked his hair back, pulling his head from his knees, he closed his eyes tight.

“And I’d rather you be grateful for what I’m giving you,” this time he was angry, and Shi Qingxuan could feel his glare burning into his skull.

“This one apologises for his rudeness, and will be more grateful for your kind actions!” Shi Qingxuan panicked, He Xuan had already stated clearly that he was not going to let him die, but other measures of getting him to behave were not off the table, he knew He Xuan would lead him to the brink of death and leave him there, the point of dying but not enough to reach it. He Xuan raised an eyebrow but soon released his grip on Shi Qingxuan, making him brace himself to be struck, but He Xuan didn’t lay a finger on him. He instead left the room. Shi Qingxuan blinked, but before he could process the situation clearly He Xuan was back holding a thin pile of neatly folded clothes which were a bright white.

After rinsing his hair free from the soap he slowly got out of the tub, making no effort to cover himself as He Xuan had already seen it. He dried himself and dressed himself in the clothed handed to him, which fit him perfectly, almost like it was tailored to fit him exactly, and the teal embroidery on the sleeps added a flare to what would have been a simple outfit.

He Xuan felt a slight burn along the tips of his pointed ears, something in seeing the man in front of him wearing simple yet complimentary clothes with softened look on his face, gently feeling the wind-like patterns on his sleeves had reawaken a feeling he had suppressed. He stared for too long, so long that Shi Qingxuan had met his watchful eye, He Xuan looked away and no words were exchanged. Instead, they just walked back to Shi Qingxuan’s cell and when He Xuan left after making sure Shi Qingxuan was definitely in the cell had left him alone. Alone again.

Already Shi Qingxuan had broken his one vow and he cursed himself for it. But he couldn’t help himself in the moment, he could feel a pair of eyes mesmerising his movements, taking a hold of his being, he wanted to look. And oh, what a beauty was He Xuan, with his hair falling like water on his body, rogue strands tickling his nose, the look on his face too made him look all the more beautiful. Grey skin, slightly parted thin lips and eyes which for the first time upon revealing himself softened, only slightly but it was something. Shi Qingxuan clenched his fists tight, he felt a confused rage bubble up into him, and it bubbled further until he blew and he screamed, yelled, releasing everything fermenting within his gut. He curled over to release as much rage as he could, eventually falling to his knees weakly, pulling at his clothes as he strained his body. It wasn’t long in until the pull on his clothes weren’t enough, his fingers pulled at the roots of his hair, and he knew he wasn’t feeling even half of the pain that his brother must have felt in his last moments. He yearned for his brother but he was also overwhelmed with He Xuan as he loathed him but couldn’t help but yearn for him too. Strands of hair fell loose into his palms, damp from the tears he had just wiped away as his voice became hoarse and his breathing shallow. He found himself laying on the cold floor, it relieved the burning heat on his skin, and wondered if He Xuan’s skin was that cold, would he be able to give the same relief?

He Xuan.. a terrible, beautiful ghost who took everything from him but still some how meant everything to him.. his breathing eases, what were He Xuan’s feelings towards him? God, he hoped He Xuan was feeling the same pain.

————————————

The days past slowly and eventually a month had gone by and nothing had really changed. Shi Qinxuan remained in his cell, visited briefly by He Xuan to bring him new clothes or food, of course neither speaking to each other. Over the month Shi Qingxuan had kept himself busy with etching pictures into the walls with his nails, scratching away from morning to night. Sometimes he etched music into the walls, melodies he had created right there on the floor, humming them.

He barely touched his food, he didn’t have the Appetite nor the will to stomach it, it wasn’t bad food in fact it was food that Shi Qingxuan deeply enjoyed, even comfort foods. Nevertheless, he still couldn’t bring himself to eat it.

“Qingxuan.” Shi Qingxuan flinched at the sudden words and he looked over his shoulder to look at the cold voice which said it, He Xuan. He had his arms crossed and wore black with golden earrings which stood out to bring any lookers attention to his face. Shi Qingxuan hadn’t even heard him come in. “Come.” He nodded and lifted himself off of the ground, then followed slowly behind He Xuan to keep the distance until they entered a part of the palace that Shi Qingxuan had never seen before, a dining hall. It was bland, with dark furnishings and very little decor, the bare minimum. He Xuan sat at one end and allowed Shi Qingxuan to sit where he pleased, which was the complete opposite end of the long table, “you haven’t been eating properly.”

“This one has not been hungry.”

“Impossible, you’re practically wasting away.” A flicker of worry brushed his lips as the words came out, “every meal time you are to sit here with me until you have eaten a sufficient amount.” Shi Qingxuan hadn’t argued back, instead his stomach responded with a growl. He Xuan made his was to a stand which held two bowls of fried rice and a variety of juicy meets, he brought one to Shi Qingxuan and settled back in his seat with the other.

Shi Qingxuan’s mouth watered but he resisted, once He Xuan would realise that it wouldn’t work he’d rethink the silly arrangement of Shi Qingxuan coming to eat with him, only he didn’t, he ate his food at a slow pace not minding him. By the time he had finished his food, Shi Qingxuan had not even picked up his chopsticks, he sighed agitated, “you obviously want it, so eat.”

Silence.

He Xuan pinched his nose then got up again and walked to Shi Qingxuan, sitting beside him and picking up the chopsticks from atop the bowl. He lifted a piece of meat up to Shi Qingxuan’s mouth, “eat.” Shi Qinxuan hesitated but gave in, seeing no other way out of the situation and unable to hold back any longer, he opened his mouth each time a bit of food was brought to his lips, the flavour popped in his mouth. He moaned slightly from feeling the hot food roll along his tongue and down his throat, making He Xuan quirk a tiny smile. One point to He Xuan. With a small ounce of confidence from his little victory he made a bold move, a single grain of rice lay on Shi Qingxuan’s lip and He Xuan smoothed it off of his lip. Shi Qingxuan froze, the touch was icy, colder than what he imagined, nevertheless it still had a soothing element. Why was he focusing on the touch so much he forgot it was received from the man beside him!? “My apologies, I shouldn’t have done that. I sincerely regret it.”

“Don’t regret it!”

Shi Qingxuan didn’t mean to say it so loud or at all for that matter but he did, it took He Xuan completely by surprise, all he could do was nod and felt compelled to reverse the sudden tension by continuing to feed Shi Qingxuan.

Once the bowl was empty Shi Qingxuan let out an almost satisfied sigh. “I understand you must be bored in that cell all the time, ” He Xuan stated, “so if you wish you can choose a book out from my study.”

“What?”

“Would you like me to lend you a book?”

“Yes, please”

How could Shi Qingxuan say no? He didn’t care what the book was, even the most drab poetry would be enough for him. They both got up from their seats, walking side by side as if Shi Qingxuan knew where he was going too. Soon enough they both stopped outside a large door, it was black with large carvings. He Xuan opened the door swiftly, leading into a dark study filled with literature, accompanied by a desk with an array of inks and scrolls. Shi Qingxuan looked around in awe, the collection was full of classics, some he hadn’t even managed to read because of how rare they were to come by. Each work was well kept, pristine, not even a speck of dust settled on them.

“Well?”

“Huh?”

“Which one do you want? I’m assuming you have one in mind considering you’ve not bothered to look up close.”

“My apologies, I thought you were going to pick one for me.”

“There is no joy in reading a book you wish not to read.”

Shi Qingxuan only nodded in reply then skimmed each title, only stopping to pick up one that caught his eye, a romance he had read many centuries ago. He smiled gently at the book, and nodded in He Xuan’s direction agreeing that he was ready to go. Before they left he took one last look at the study, a final look at normality before being taken back to his cell, “You may return when you wish to choose a new one,” He Xuan had said, in attempt at reassurance.

“Thank you..”

Once Shi Qingxuan was alone again in his cell he settled on his bed and curled up in his bed with the book in his hand, already open. He read, content, until the image of the male lead turned into He Xuan. He quickly closed the book for a moment, as if closing it would stop the image in his head and slowly opened it again, gradually allowing it back into his mind. He felt shameful but who was to know? There was no harm in it, he never had to know right?

He continued to read, He Xuan (the male lead) was embracing his lover, kissing her hungrily, sliding his hands all over her body and pulled away every so often to whisper Praise into her ear. Shi Qingxuan’s hands subconsciously slid over his own body, reaching under his robes and touching the skin underneath. Suddenly the female was Shi Qingxuan. He Xuan pushed her into the bed beside them, crawling between her legs diving into her soaked folds. Shi Qingxuan felt his dick press against his clothes, hard, so he carefully released it, he stroked it rhythmically and felt his breathing grow heavier. He was eager, no, desperate for any form of touch or contact. The more he read the more hard he became, slick leaked from his dick as he finally grasped it, jerking himself off. He moaned with each pump as tears swelled in his closed eyes, he saw He Xuan’s hand instead of his own pumping his dick with a light smirk, proud of how undone he had made Shi Qingxuan. “H-He Xuan,” he moaned.

It wasn’t long before he came, the thought of someone’s touch drove him over the edge, but he quickly felt all the heat leave his body and the sudden loneliness sink in when he opened his eyes to see no one around. The pleasure suddenly lost. No one leaned over him to kiss away the tears that ran down his cheeks or to comfort him as he cried.

No one but He Xuan who was around the corner, hard from hearing the heavy moans of the other man and frowning from the tears that followed after. He wanted to love him.

Chapter Text

He Xuan had kept his word in allowing Shi Qingxuan to come back to his study when he had finished his book and continued to have Shi Qingxuan eat with him.
And that’s where they were, He Xuan’s study, an awkward tension hung between them, Shi Qingxuan couldn’t help but think of He Xuan in a more intimate light and He Xuan couldn’t shake the overwhelming thoughts that had lingered from hearing Shi Qingxuan moan his name. they were sat beside each other on a long chaise lounge, only occasionally glancing to the person beside them, when their eyes met they were even quicker to look away.
The silence was cut by Shi Qingxuan closing his book and getting up, he had a plan.
He wanted He Xuan to know he was moving and watch him. He carefully swerved his hips left to right, slowly to impose elegance. Shi Qingxuan wanted to leave that place, and knew fighting was only going to make it worse, so with the new growth of trust from He Xuan he decided to take that power and use it. He even made the effort to take pride in his appearance.
He made his way around He Xuan’s chair, feeling it as he walked past to reach for a book, one that was too high up for him to reach. Both of their eyes met, “ah, He-Xiong, mind lending me a hand?” He Xuan raised a suspicious eyebrow, a bead of sweat threatened to fall from Shi Qingxuan’s forehead. He Xuan nodded and closed his own book, his eyes lingered over Shi Qingxuan as he walked beside him and pointed up to a book, “this one?”
“Mhm.”
He took it out from its place and handed it towards Shi Qingxuan, the other grabbed it but placed his hands on top of He Xuan’s purposely. He Xuan stared back at Shi Qingxuan when he asked, “do you love me?” This question froze him, it was so sudden and out of the blue, it hit him harder than a tree falling. Shi Qingxuan’s grasp tightened in the silence, turning his knuckles white, he had done it, lured He Xuan into a proximity of him and enraptured him with a bold question. It had all gone to plan, now all he had to do was guilt trip him into letting him escape. He had planned for both “yes” and “no” responses. He went over it in his head:
“No”
“Then why care for me? Why not kill me or let me go”
“Yes”
“If you really love me then let me go..”
He didn’t care if he had to kick, scream and beg. Freedom was worth it. No number of privileges could change his mind. He even pushed away his own feelings, he almost flipped the question back on himself but then wasn’t the time to figure out how he felt, because he didn’t know.
“Why are you questioning such a matter?”
“I simply can’t help but wonder, you have gone so far out of your way to take care of me, bothering to check if I eat and providing me with lovely garments. I can’t help but want to confirm my suspicions.”
A moment of silence, Shi Qingxuan could almost see the thoughts being flown back and forth in He Xuan’s brain.
“I cannot give you an answer.”
Shi Qingxuan’s face dropped, his hands shook.
“What?”
“I hadn’t planned this far, I have fulfilled my goal for penance, but nothing has changed. All I have is you. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m still here for you.”
He Xuan’s features softened as he spoke, revealing his sincerity to Shi Qingxuan. This wasn’t a part of the plan. He didn’t know how to respond.
“Please.. let me go..” tears pricked at his eyes but he didn’t move from He Xuan.
“I want to, but I don’t want to either...”
Shi Qingxuan couldn’t blame him, even though he wanted to. The tension in his body rose to his eyes, seeping out and running down his cheek, his hands remained grasped firmly into He Xuan’s, who didn’t move either despite the urge he felt to hold him tight

It wasn’t long until Shi Qingxuan was returned to his room, although, what was instead long was the time he was in his cell. He just lay there in his bed, not able to pick up his book, he wanted his mind to ease. Solace avoided him within that moment as he tossed and turned, his mind burnt with a thousand flames and writhed from the thought of He Xuan, that awful man. Shi Qingxuan got up, an unfamiliar rage in his heart as he ripped the sheets off of his bed and lifted the chair beside it, hurling it at the fist wall he could see. It broke upon contact, like glass shattering, but when it did, he heard a squeak. He paused, a small light peered where the wall met the floor, daylight. He kneeled down and used his arm to move what was left of the chair so that he had a clear view of the newly formed hole in the wall. He moved closer to see through it.
A mouse was sniffing the hole from the other side but cowered out of sight as soon as it saw Shi Qingxuan. The breeze blew gently upon his face, cooling him of his hot rage almost instantly. Beyond the hole, the sunlight glinted upon golden waves and breathed on the trees which towered like guardians. He slipped his fingers through the hole and dug his nails into the dirt, it felt warm, so very warm. Shi Qingxuan huddled close to the wall and clothed his eyes as relief devoured him, it was not freedom, but it was comfort beyond measure. The waves crashed against soft grains of sand, he imagined those same waves crashing on him and taking him away from the shore, drinking him in like a smooth tea, soon to be within the bowels of it and feeling nothing at all.

That night was the first time he had dreamt in his cell. He was in a large and round bed, sheer silks swayed all around it, curling and relaxing in the wind. He could feel every sensation, even the vibrations of a voice beside him but he could not hear it, despite that, he followed it and turned his head to look beside him. Ming Yi was there, sat up and playing with his, his expression tender. Shi Qingxuan held and kissed his hand softly. Ming Yi urged him to sit up, he did. They were inches apart and they merely stared at each other, they kissed, warm and slowly. Shi Qingxuan pulled away, overcome with joy but Min Yi’s features was no longer there, instead replaced with a hateful glare, his hair no longer in his ponytail and the smell of salt that was so strong he could tase it. Behind the man now in front of him was the body of his brother, headless behind a pane of glass leading to the sea. He tries to scream but only bubbles of air while water rushed into his mouth and lungs, he thrashed to escape but piles of his brother’s body beneath him grabbed at his ankles and pulled him further down as He Xuan watched with distain. And then he woke up.
Outside was dark. He was sweating.