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“Why are you sad?”
Jouno’s voice sounded weird to himself when he uttered those words. He cleared his throat and swallowed but he couldn’t quite get rid of how bitter the words tasted in his mouth. They barely reached his own ears with how overwhelmingly loud the place was, but he was sure that he had been heard.
Tecchou, at whom the question was directed, sighed tiredly. It was deep and dragged out, he held his breath for a split second before he exhaled slowly. He readjusted his position where his head rested on Jouno’s thighs, but he didn’t have an answer.
He was searching for one, though. Thinking deeply, and every time he thought he had a good one he opened his mouth, breathed out air in a silent attempt to voice his thoughts, then closed his mouth again.
Tecchou wasn’t embarrassed by being caught and questioned like that. Jouno didn’t feel heat coming from his cheeks or uncomfortable movements of his muscles. Now that he thought about it, the Hunting Dog barely got embarrassed. He was always true to his word and viewed mistakes, small or big, as something human and natural, as opposed to something to be ashamed of. Where other people got flustered and became complicated, Tecchou shrugged and said that it was something that made him human.
He didn’t see sadness as something to be ashamed of, either. It was having to put his feelings into words where he failed.
All Jouno could do was to assume emotions from clues, he couldn’t read minds, so he patiently waited for Tecchou to speak even though he was afraid his voice might be drowned.
Jouno wanted to cover his hears. It was loud, so so loud, but he couldn’t risk missing what Tecchou had to say or give him the feeling that he didn’t even want an answer to his question. So, he tightened his hands to fists and let his fingernails dig into his own skin until it hurt in a desperate attempt to shut out the noises and the awful stench that surrounded them.
Finally, Tecchou settled on something to say. He swallowed and sucked in air like he always did after a longer pause.
“Why do you ask?”
The bell on Jouno’s earring jingled, a clear tone in this space filled with nothing but pure, deep loudness. Jouno was quite taken aback by Tecchou’s words, though he wasn’t able to put his finger on why.
“Because,” he started, “I want to know if you finally regret sticking with me. You know me, you’ve seen me at my worst. And in the end it brought ruin to everything you’ve ever believed in. Is that what saddens you now? Is it really regret and self-pity? Or is it something else?”
The words came out unfiltered. They fell from his brain and dropped from his tongue in quick succession before he really thought about them.
“Hm,” Tecchou hummed as he thought about it. There was no amusement in his tone, neither was it to disapprove of what Jouno had said. He was taking his time once again, not rushing to answer. Collecting his strength and pushing himself to think and getting those words out of his own mouth.
Tecchou’s hand reached up. His fingers, scarred and rough from the many times he had raised his sword, barely brushed over Jouno’s cheek and chin before he dropped it again. The sensation stayed on Jouno’s skin, the softness and care being evident in the lingering feeling.
Such tenderness was not to be expected from a man like Tecchou and Jouno was sure that people could see it as a sweet gesture.
However, he didn’t lean into the touch, didn’t chase after it. He merely let it happen. All he did was to open his left fist once again and to place his hand back on Tecchou’s waist where it had been before, holding him in place. Something about Tecchou changed with this simple gesture. He seemed more content, but at the same time, the sadness prevailed and even intensified.
“Why are you indulging me now?” His voice was weak, maybe on purpose to keep it from breaking. It was almost swallowed by the noise around them but for some reason it became the only thing Jouno could hear.
He sighed. Usually it wasn’t hard to get answers out of Tecchou, but nevertheless, Jouno understood the current circumstances. Both of them had questions that they didn’t want to remain unanswered anymore. He wanted to push for one, though – raise his voice, let insults poison his words like he did so often when talking to Tecchou, but he refrained from doing so, as there was no point to it.
“I asked you first,” Jouno said. His tone was still cold, he noticed that himself. Tecchou didn’t seem to mind. He never did.
Tecchou moved again and placed his hand on Jouno’s own, the one that wasn’t holding him. Jouno didn’t pull away. Once again, he didn’t reciprocate the gesture but he allowed Tecchou to ease his fist open.
Besides the sadness, Tecchou seemed absent-minded, almost as though he was in a haze. He coughed before speaking again.
“It’s not for the reasons you said,” he admitted.
With his senses numb to their environment where everything smelled, tasted and sounded awful – it was even as though the air itself was screaming at him – right now, the only thing he felt and the only thing keeping him grounded, was Tecchou’s breathing and heartbeat that he could concentrate on, as well as the comfortable warmth he radiated. And the smell of tears. Jouno knew it well but it had never been as prominent and meaningful to him as it was now.
Tecchou sucked in another breath and his voice shook when he spoke again.
“Who will understand you after I die?”
The world stopped moving for a moment.
“What?” Was all Jouno managed. There were no words that could possibly describe the feeling in his chest.
He didn’t say anything after that. He didn’t even dare breathe. The only movement in his body was his heart pounding in his chest, and his arms and hands trembling, overwhelmingly loud and fierce for his own senses.
“You’re an idiot.” His voice was cold as ice and meant to burn the man he was talking to. Hurt. He wanted Tecchou to hurt for this attitude of his, for what he said.
“Why do you think of me now? Do you not think of yourself?” His voice became louder until it put a strain on his vocal chords. “Only an idiot would think of another person even on the verge of death! Worry about yourself.”
Tecchou didn’t bother replying to Jouno’s words, and Jouno was sure that they didn’t cut him like he had intended them to. They never did.
“There is nobody to walk by your side,” he simply said, and he sounded so terribly sad that Jouno clenched his jaw and almost felt himself tremble with anger. “The thought of you being alone from now on – I can’t help but feel sad about it.”
Jouno’s mind shut out the rest of the world once and for all. Right here and now it was only him and Tecchou’s limp body laying with his head in his lap. The fights were gone. The feelings of betrayal and fear of uncertainty were gone. Old enemies and new friends – gone.
“You’re impossible.”
The hand that rested on Jouno’s squeezed it weakly before it was pulled back, more for the purpose of saving energy than anything else, as Jouno noticed that Tecchou hesitated. Jouno’s shoulders fell, and so did all other tension his body had held. With a sigh, he lowered his head.
“On the inside,” Tecchou said weakly, “you’re a man of your word, true to yourself and your own ideals, I’ve seen it. You wouldn’t do this for me only to make me happy. So I ask you again: why do you indulge me now?”
There was no need to respond. They both knew as much. All Jouno could do was pull Tecchou’s body closer to him. Closer, so that the dying flame of his heart and soul would be protected, warming Jouno in the process.
“Do you still think I’m foolish for staying with you, Saigiku?”
Jouno formed his answer with his lips but no sound would come out as his chest tightened and allowed no air to come in. He leaned over Tecchou, tightened his grip on the soldier’s body to the point where it must have hurt, but there came no reaction.