Chapter Text
It was a beautiful day in the middle of May and Willow’s best friend was about to break the laws of physics. Again. After getting struck by lightning, Luz Noceda-Clawthorne had somehow managed to acquire some sort of bizarre magical power to construct literally anything, including devices that defied the fundamental laws of reality itself, and do so in mere hours at most. Willow never, ever would have believed any of it was possible if she hadn’t seen it with her own two eyes. But over and over again, Luz had done the impossible. Time machines, spaceships, and interdimensional portals were just a few of her accomplishments.
“So what’s on the agenda today, Luz?” Willow asked eagerly.
Luz put a finger on her chin thoughtfully. “I don’t know…any ideas, King?”
Luz’s younger stepbrother gave a savage grin. “Let’s construct a device that will allow me to rain hellfire down upon all our enemies!” Willow took a step backwards involuntarily.
“I was thinking about something a little less…deadly,” Luz said with a grin, not at all bothered by King’s usual megalomania. “Oh, I know! What about an interdimensional portal?”
Gus, Willow’s best friend, looked skeptical. “Didn’t we do that last week to go into the Azura universe?” Luz scowled. That had been a major fiasco for her. Her obsession with the series had caused Azura to think of her as a stalker and an angry mob had chased them out of the Verdant Lands.
“This time, we’ll go to a real universe!” Luz promised. “I’m not sure which one, but it won’t be based on a work of fiction this time!”
Matt, Gus’s best enemy or worst friend, depending on one’s perspective, just scowled. “Sounds boring. I think we should go with King’s plan! I have plenty of enemies, and fire sounds fun!”
Before anyone could pitch in, the door to the fence opened and Amity came walking in. Willow was skeptical about her one-time friend and long-time enemy participating in Luz’s projects, but Luz seemed to have managed to purge the mean girl out of her with her irrepressible spirit. Though Willow might go insane if she had to watch the two of them dance around their obvious feelings for each other for much longer.
“Whatcha doing, Luz?” Amity said in a vaguely flirtatious tone that, as usual, sailed straight over Luz’s head.
“Creating another interdimensional portal!” Luz said chirpily. “Wanna help?”
Amity scowled. It had been a major blow for her when Azura had given a diatribe about how creepy they were being. “I don’t know, Luz…maybe we should make a rollercoaster? Or a water park?”
“Nah, I’m in a mood for interdimensional portals,” Luz decided. And that was that. Luz was more stubborn than anyone else Willow knew. If she decided they were building an interdimensional portal, they were building an interdimensional portal.
The back door slammed open and Vee stormed out. “There you are! Today’s the day, Luz. Today’s the day I bust the two of you! When our moms find out, they’ll finally put an end to this ridiculousness!”
“It’s not ridiculous, baby sis!” Luz said, not even remotely hurt. “It’s science!”
“There is nothing scientific about this,” Vee muttered. “I’m watching you. This is the day. I can feel it!”
Willow couldn’t help but feel bad for poor Vee, whose efforts to expose Luz’s activities to Eda and Camila were continuously thwarted when every one of their inventions disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Since her stories defied reason and seemed indicative of mental instability, Camila’s continuous worry about her daughter’s sanity had led her to send Vee to Reality Check Camp last summer alongside her sister. Willow had tried her best to defend Vee to Camila, but it was for naught. But on the bright side, Vee had actually enjoyed the camp and met some very good friends, along with her now partner Masha.
Before Willow could say something reassuring to Vee, her watch beeped and she swore under her breath. She really did not like having to leave her friends behind to participate in another mission, but her duty came first.
Backing away from the group, she used her impeccable stealth skills to go into one of the many secret passageways her employers had built into Luz’s house. Which was a total invasion of privacy, in Willow’s opinion, and all kinds of illegal, but OWCA just seemed to run on different rules and Willow had learned to go with the flow by now. It wasn’t as if she had other options.
Willow just managed to catch the oft said words “Where’s Willow?” before a chute sent her hurtling towards her secret lair, equidistant between her house and Luz’s.
There was much about the Organization Without a Cool Acronym Willow didn’t understand. She didn’t understand why, when it came time for them to finally branch out from having animal agents, their first choice was to recruit teenagers. She also didn’t understand why they had animal agents in the first place, much less how. She didn’t understand exactly who they were responsible to, whether they were a private organization or a branch of the government. She decidedly didn’t understand why she was doing fieldwork instead of pushing paper like she had expected when she took the position after meeting Major Bump at her school’s career fair.
But despite all these irregularities, Willow wouldn’t have given up on her job for the world. Even though it forced her to lie to everyone. Even though the instant anyone figured out her identity, they would have their minds wiped, which had happened ten times already to Eda alone. No, Willow was doing good for the world in general and for a certain boy in particular. Also, it could not be denied, being a secret agent was pretty cool.
“Ah, Agent W, thank you for joining us,” Major Bump said, getting to the point without preamble from the unnecessarily large screen before her. “The evil Dr. Whispers is up to his old tricks again. He’s been getting books on self-confidence and the language center of the brain. We’re not sure what this adds up to…”
“But it’s got to be something nefarious!” the intern Skara called out.
“Yes, thank you, Skara,” Major Bump said sourly. “It’s got to be something nefarious. Go out there and put a stop to Whispers’ nefarious plans!”
Willow gave a crisp salute. “Yes, sir!”
Why she had to get her briefing in the lair when he could have just called her, she had no idea, but the ways of Major Bump were mysterious, unknowable, and random. It was quite possible, in Willow’s opinion, that he didn’t have all his marbles after many years doing intelligence work. But Willow had learned to take the good with the bad at her job. There were a lot worse bosses to have, and Willow was getting really well paid for the work she did, well enough that her college tuition was not likely to be an issue for her.
Willow hopped onto her hovercar and rode it vertically out of the special entrance in the back of her yard. How her dads had never noticed it emerging from their backyard was an endless mystery, as were so many things. It was, perhaps, for the sake of her sanity, better not to ask.
Her destination was the same as it always was: the ominous tower that towered way over Danville in defiance of both municipal and physical laws. Whispers Evil Incorporated tried its best to live up to its name, but in Willow’s opinion, her nemesis was trying just too hard.
Willow’s nemesis was Hunter Whispers, a sixteen year old self-proclaimed mad scientist and evil genius. But despite his continued insistence to the contrary, Hunter wasn’t really evil. He’d just had a dreadfully crappy childhood and got out his manifold neuroses through building complicated devices (or inators, as he called them) to get some sort of petty revenge or overly convoluted scheme to rule the Tri-State Area which probably would fail even without Willow’s intervention.
Hunter had been raised by his uncle Philip Wittebane, who was a true evil genius, with a strong emphasis on the evil part. Philip’s evil plans to cull “unworthy” populations with a genetically targeted virus had unraveled after he had been arrested for unrelated financial crimes. Everything had unraveled for him after that, including his double life as the fascist cult leader Belos and his habit of cloning his brother repeatedly and disposing of the clones when they failed to meet his expectations. Hunter had been one of said clones, something that had almost driven him mad.
With Philip serving a life sentence with no possibility of parole, Hunter had been adopted by Eda’s ex-spouse Raine Whispers, who had helped him recover from the truly despicable abuse he had been subjected to. Hunter’s idea of moving past Philip, however, seemed to involve trying to become a superior evil genius to him. This was hampered by the aforementioned lack of evilness, his truly bewildering acts of self-sabotage, and, of course, Willow’s regular intervention. But Hunter let absolutely nothing faze him. One day, he vowed, he’d take over the Tri-State Area. Were it not for the fact that Hunter’s schemes had an unfortunate tendency to involve considerable collateral damage, Willow was almost tempted to let him. Heck, he’d probably do a better job than Belos’s cousin, Mayor Snapdragon.
Willow landed her hovercar in the strength and went up to the penthouse apartment. She knocked on the door and it was opened by Hunter with a wide smile. Willow could feel her heart pounding.
“A gardener?” he asked in confusion upon seeing her in her uniform. Willow sighed and put on her sun hat. For some reason, Hunter absolutely could not recognize her without it. “WILLOW THE GARDENER! Do come in. You’re just in time to witness my most brilliant plan yet!” This, Willow had found, usually presaged one or both of them getting set on fire.
There was one problem Willow had with Hunter. Well, not a problem she had with him, per se, but it was a problem. She was madly in love with him. She’d really tried her best not to be! It wasn’t appropriate for an agent to be in love with her nemesis. But Hunter was just such an incredible person. His self-proclaimed villainy aside, he was a good person deep down. He was wickedly smart, endearingly dorky, staggeringly hot, and Willow’s stupid heart just couldn’t take it. Why was she cursed with such an amazing nemesis?
“Hey, would you mind taking a couple of steps to the right?” Hunter asked, and Willow obliged. As soon as she stepped on a pressure plate, arms grabbed onto her, immobilizing her. Willow could have escaped, and would, but not yet. This was all part of their routine, a routine that Willow enjoyed immensely.
“Ah, Willow the Gardener!” Hunter said, waving his hands around in an unnecessarily melodramatic fashion. “Your timing is impeccable, and by that I mean COMPLETELY PECCABLE!”
Oh my gosh, I am in love with the biggest dork in the universe, Willow thought, and the only reason she didn’t do a face palm was that she couldn’t move her arms.
The next step of the routine was the worst. It was the time when Hunter monologued about whatever tragic instance in his past had inspired his current scheme. Sometimes, it was something ridiculously petty, but sometimes, it was something despicable and heartbreaking, and there was absolutely no guarantee which version she was going to get.
“You see, Willow the Gardener, when I was a child, I was homeschooled by my uncle,” Hunter began. “And he never let me attend any dances, because it encouraged lewd, licentious behavior!” Willow relaxed, but not entirely. You never knew what you were going to get with Hunter’s monologues. Sometimes, they started innocuous and got truly bad. “But now that I am AN EVIL GENIUS living with a parent who loves me with all their heart, I don’t have to stay away from dances anymore!”
Willow wasn’t sure where this was going, though she was at least reasonably certain it wasn’t going anywhere especially traumatic anymore. “So you wanted to ask me to a dance?” she asked hopefully.
Hunter stared at her with horror dancing in his eyes and Willow flinched. “How could you say that?” he demanded. “I may be evil, but I’m a bulwark of professionalism.” This was quite true. Hunter had been nothing less than a perfect gentleman to her at all times, especially when she was trapped. Even though at this point, Willow wouldn’t complain if he let some imperfections into his approach. “I would never ask my nemesis out! That would be a horrid breach of ethics.”
“Oh,” Willow said quietly. He had a point, but that didn’t make it hurt any less to hear. “Well, then…who are you going to ask?”
Hunter grinned dopily and Willow couldn’t help but let out a low snarl under her breath which Hunter appeared to miss entirely. “I’m glad you asked me that! Her name is Willow and she’s just the most incredible girl to ever live.” One of Hunter’s most bizarre quirks was his complete inability to parse the obvious fact his classmate Willow and nemesis Willow the Gardener were one and the same. “She’s so beautiful and tough and confident, and if you’ve seen her on the lacrosse team, you’d see the true meaning of grace. She looks like an angel! If she says yes to my proposal, then I’ll be the luckiest boy who ever lived.”
Willow gasped. Was…was she really hearing this? No, surely not. “Hunter, you do know I’m Willow, right?”
Hunter stopped in his tracks for a second and peered at her. “You do look a little like her around the eyes,” he said eventually. “She’s probably a distant cousin of yours, Willow the Gardener. But of course you’re not one and the same. I’m an evil genius; I would have noticed such a thing. Anyway, I’m going to ask Willow to the dance.”
Willow looked over at the complicated Inator Hunter had designed. “So is that supposed to make her say yes to you?”
Hunter gasped. “What?! Never! I may be evil, but there are some lines that should never be crossed. However, it will give me an advantage over my competitors.” Willow tilted her head in confusion. As far as she knew, no one was even vaguely interested in her. “As the most beautiful girl in the country – no, the world! – she’s going to have hordes of suitors asking her out.”
Willow still couldn’t get over the fact the boy she liked actually liked her back, and appeared head over heels in love with her to boot. “So this’ll vaporize anyone interested in her?”
“No, no, it’s even better than that!” Hunter gushed. “BEHOLD, THE INARTICULATORINATOR!”
Willow frowned. “Wouldn’t that be the Inarticulator, then?”
“Don’t be ludicrous,” Hunter said. “It’s not a proper evil device unless it has the suffix Inator. Everyone knows that.” He gestured grandly at the Inarticulatorinator. “This will render anyone who is trying to ask out their crush inarticulate, thus making my proposal the superior one by default!”
Willow’s heart cracked a little at this reminder of Hunter’s lack of self-confidence. As funny as his “evil” routine could be sometimes, it wasn’t quite so funny when she was reminded it stemmed from trauma no one should have to endure. “Are you sure you have to do that, Hunter? You’re a really neat guy. Smart and funny. I mean, sure, the evil thing is kind of a turnoff to some people, but…I’m sure Willow would understand.”
“Well, I’m not taking any chances,” Hunter said firmly. “Chance favors the well-prepared mind!” A robot in the shape of a cardinal came into the room and chirped at Hunter. This was Flapjack, Hunter’s loyal and trustworthy best friend. “GACK! My muffins are in jeopardy!” He rushed out of the room. Flapjack gave a sympathetic chirp and a what-can-you-do shrug at her before joining Hunter in the kitchen.
Willow waited patiently for Hunter to return. While she was waiting, the door opened and Mx. Whispers walked in with a bag of groceries they placed down on a coffee table. “Hi, Willow!” they said with a wave.
At first, it had seemed odd to Willow that Mx. Whispers had no problem with Hunter trying to be a criminal mastermind, but she soon realized they had come to the same conclusion she had: that Hunter’s supposed evil schemes were really just an unorthodox form of therapy for him. Being able to talk about his trauma and come up with constructive albeit silly and vaguely evil ways to alleviate it had helped Hunter’s mental state immensely.
“Hunter’s not giving you too much trouble?” Mx. Whispers went on.
“Not at all! In fact, he’s going to ask me to the dance tomorrow! After I thwart his scheme to sabotage my other suitors.” Unlike Hunter, Mx. Whispers knew the transparently obvious fact Willow and Willow the Gardener were one and the same. “He’s so sweet.”
Mx. Whispers gave a fond smile. “That’s nice. I have to admit, I do wonder about the appropriateness of all….this,” they gestured at Willow’s restrained state, “if the two of you are in a relationship.”
“If we start dating, I’m going to ask to be reassigned to another nemesis,” Willow assured them. “This would be a total conflict of interest. And you know Hunter. He’d never make a move on Willow the Gardener.” One time, Hunter’s lab partner in chemistry class, Boscha, had involved herself in one of his schemes. The instant she had suggested he act inappropriately towards Willow while she was restrained, Hunter zapped Boscha with some ray and she was never seen again.
“Well, I’m sure you’ll work out well,” Mx. Whispers said, patting her on the shoulder.
Hunter emerged from the kitchen, carrying a plate of muffins, which he set down on the dining room table. “Ren! What have I told you about making small talk with my prisoners?”
“Sorry, Hunter,” Mx. Whispers said with a fond grin. “I’ll just leave you to it.” They went into their office and closed the door behind them, suppressing snickers the whole way through.
Hunter let loose a maniacal laugh. “Now watch, Willow the Gardener, as I make people inarticulate throughout the ENTIRE TRI-STATE AREA!”
Willow was almost tempted to let him succeed with his plans, but it would have caused suffering to innocent people, as romantic as the idea was. So she quickly used her laser gadget to saw through her bonds and gave him a roundhouse kick to the chin. It was time for the next stage of their little routine: the fight. Neither of them gave an inch. Both of them had been expertly trained in martial arts, Hunter by his awful uncle and Willow by OWCA specialists. They were each other’s equal in every way and their fights invariably ended in a draw.
At one point, Willow slammed against the activation button of the device and a green ray shot off into the distance. She hoped no one would be hurt by it. Meh, what was the worst thing that could happen?
*****
Amity steeled her courage. Today was the day! Today she would finally ask out Luz Noceda-Clawthorne! While Luz merrily banged away at the device with a wrench, Amity approached her, her heart thundering in her chest.
“Luz, there’s something important I have to ask you,” Amity said.
“You can tell me anything, cariño!” Luz said in that perpetually happy tone that set Amity’s heart aflutter.
Will you go out with me? Amity tried to ask, but then a green light hit her and only inarticulate rambling came out.
“Huh?”
Amity let out a sigh. “Never mind.”
*****
Finally, after a long, exhausting fight, Willow managed to press the self-destruct button Hunter unaccountably installed upon all his devices.
“No…” Hunter whispered, looking horrified, like all the fight had gone out of him. It was profoundly different from all the other times when he bounced back from his defeat like nothing had happened. “This was my only chance…”
Willow grabbed onto him by both shoulders and gazed into his beautiful magenta eyes. “Hunter Whispers. I want you to listen to me right now. You don’t need any fancy Inators to ask out Willow. You don’t need to worry about competition. All you need to do is be your wonderful self and she’ll fall head over heels with you.”
“You…you’re sure?” Hunter asked, sounding extremely vulnerable. “But what if…what if I’m not enough for her?”
“You are enough for me – her,” Willow assured him. “I have it on very good authority she will say yes if you ask her out. She loves you. And I know this because I am her.” Hunter looked befuddled. Willow sighed. “I am her cousin. And she has told me she likes you.”
Hunter scowled. “You could have led with that, you know!” He held out his hand but Willow glomped him with a hug instead; they had done this before and he didn’t mind. “Thanks for the pep talk, Willow the Gardener. Oh, yeah, and CURSE YOU, WILLOW THE GARDENER!”
“Curse you too, Hunter,” Willow said with a wink as she sauntered out of the room. She had paperwork to file to switch nemeses and a dance to plan for. Everything was right with the world.