Work Text:
One day, it was 3:00 AM for some reason. Star-Lord was at the Avengers tower, wearing glasses and eating shredded cheese.
Thor entered the room and screamed.
"BAHHHH! Who are you, and what are you doing here?"
"You know who I am!" Star-Lord said. "I'm Star-Lord, man!"
"The Lord of Stars does not wear glasses. You are an impostor!" Thor said. "IMPOSTOR! IMPOSTOR! IMPOSTOR!"
"Quiet! You'll wake everyone up!" Star-Lord said.
"THOR DOES NOT DO QUIET!" Thor shouted, tackling Star-Lord and beating him up.
Peter Parker calmly entered the room. "Hey, guys...AGH! What are you doing, Thor?"
"Oh! Hi, Peter! I'm just beating up an intruder."
"Okay. Captain Marvel has a raccoon in her bed. Can you help her get it out?"
"If she's a strong, independent woman, she should be able to do it herself,” Thor said.
"Well, apparently she is terrified of raccoons,” Peter said. “Now she's curled up in the corner of her room, crying.”
"Ugh! Fine! I'll help!" Thor said, and then glared at Star-Lord. "I'll kill you later."
After Thor left the room, Star-Lord tried to get up. Unfortunately, he couldn't move.
Later that day, Gamora paid a surprise visit.
"Has anybody seen Star-Lord?" she asked, watching Thor as he watered a plant.
"I'm right here! Help! I can't move!" Star-Lord said.
"Oh, dear,” Gamora said. “What's happened to you now?"
"Thor injured me by crushing me under his massive body weight!" Star-Lord whined.
"Thor!” Gamora scolded. “Why would you do such a thing to Star-Lord?"
"He's not Star-Lord! Star-Lord doesn't wear glasses!" Thor said.
"That is a bit weird," Gamora said. "Star-Lord, why are you wearing glasses?"
Star-Lord moaned in pain instead of answering.
"Ugh, whatever!" Gamora said. "Let's get rid of those."
Gamora took the glasses off of Star-Lord's face.
"Ah," Star-Lord said. "Hi, Gamora…"
"Oh, wow! You're right! It is the Lord of Stars after all!" Thor said.
"Wow, Thor,” Gamora said. “You are the second dumbest person I've ever met!"
"Well, I wouldn't have beaten him up if I had known who he was!" Thor whined.
"I'm glad that you did," Gamora said.
"WHAT? WHY?" Thor said. "I did a big, bad boo-boo!"
"He's been a real jerk lately," said Gamora. "He deserved it."
"Oh! Okay!" Thor said.
"I will be taking him back to The Spaceship now," Gamora said.
"Can I come?" Thor asked.
"No! Of course not!" Gamora said. "You'd never fit onto The Spaceship. You're way too big!"
Half an hour later, Star-Lord put the glasses back on.
"I am ready to fly The Spaceship now," he said.
"Okay, but why are you wearing those stupid glasses again?" Gamora asked.
"Ummm… they make me look cool. Duh!" Star-Lord said.
"No, they make you look stupid!" Gamora said. "Take them off. NOW."
"Okay, okay!" Star-Lord said. "No need to get so upset."
Meanwhile, Thor was crying.
"Hey, you moron!" Bruce Banner said. "What's all that noise about?"
"I was too big to fit onto The Spaceship!"
"Ha, ha! That's so dumb!" Bruce laughed. "At least I was never too big to fit anywhere!"
Thor cried harder.
"Aw, Thor!" Captain America said. "There's no need to cry. Just take a walk in the woods; it will calm you down!"
"Ooh! Can I bring my dog with me?" Thor asked, looking at a black dog that had wandered into the room.
"Oh, yes!" the dog said. "Please do bring me! I love walks in the woods!"
"Of course not!" Captain America said. "That would be stupid!"
"Okay," Thor said. "See you later, Man of Spangled Stars."
As Thor walked towards the woods, he noticed that some of the trees were on fire!
"Oh, heck!" Thor said. "What happened?!"
"This idiot crashed the spaceship, and it started a fire for some reason!" Gamora said.
"Oh, no!" Thor said. "We must pee on it to put it out!"
"I suggested that, but no!” Star-Lord said. “Gamora says that’s too gross!"
"Well, we have to do something!" Thor panicked.
Suddenly, thunder rolled and it began raining!
"It's raining!" Gamora said. "Now the fire will be put out! We're saved!"
"That was me," Thor said. "You're welcome."
Star-Lord put his glasses back on.
"Phew!" Star-Lord said. "Good thing we're all safe. Even my glasses are unharmed!"
"I never did find out why you wanted to wear those ugly things," Thor said.
"Don't bother asking him," Gamora said. "He'll never give you a real answer."
"Oh, okay," said Thor. "I still need to pee, so I will be heading home now. Bye-bye!"
"Good-bye!" Star-Lord and Gamora said.
Star-Lord tried to fly The Spaceship again. Well… what was left of it, that is.
He immediately crashed again, breaking both of his legs.
The next day, Star-Lord was at the Avengers Tower, complaining about both of his legs being broken.
"This really sucks! Now I can't dance to my mix tape!"
Tony Stark heard the complaining and peeked into the room. "Hey, Star-Lord."
"Yeah? What is it?"
"The Black Panther is coming to visit us," Tony said. "Would you like to meet him? Oh, wait! You can't, because your legs are broken!"
He then ran away laughing, and bumped into Peter Parker.
"Hey, Mr. Stark!" Peter said. "I just had the most hilarious idea for a prank!"
"Ooh! What is it? Tell me!"
"Well, it involves a lot of webbing…"
The next morning, Star-Lord found himself stuck to the ceiling.
"Ahhh!" he screamed. "Help, help, help!"
T'Challa looked up. "Wha…?"
"I'm stuck to the ceiling! Help me out, man!" Star-Lord said.
"No, I don't think I will," T'Challa said.
Star-Lord started screaming.
"That's it," said T'Challa. "I'm going back to Wakanda, where such silly behavior would never be allowed."
He t hen left and went back to Wakanda, where such silly behavior would never be allowed.
"Don't worry, Star-Lord," Peter laughed. "The webs will dissolve soon. Then, you'll be free!"
At that exact moment, some of the webs dissolved, leaving Star-Lord hanging upside down by one leg!
Star-Lord screamed louder!
"What's wrong? Never hung upside down before?" Peter asked.
"No! Never! This is so uncomfortable! AHHHHH!" Star-Lord said.
Later that day, Star-Lord came to the realization that everything he loved had been taken away from him.
"I can't even fly my ship! I bet a trash panda stole it or something!" he complained. "Oh, well. At least I still have my glasses…"
He picked up a pair of glasses from the bedside table, but immediately dropped them.
"DANG!"
Many weeks passed by. Over time, Star-Lord's hair grew very long.
"Well, at least I can whip my hair around to keep my hair entertained!" he said. But before he could begin whipping his hair, Peter entered the room.
"Hey, Daddy!" Peter said. "I was just wondering if… AHHH! Who are you?"
"I'm Star-Lord, man!"
"Don't be silly!" Peter said. "Star-Lord doesn't have long hair!"
"It was short, but it grew!"
Peter began screaming. "MR. STARK! MR. STARK! There's an intruder in your building!"
Tony ran into the room. "Oh, no! You're right! Who is this man?"
"He's garbage, that's who he is!"
"Well, if he's garbage, then he belongs in the dumpster!"
"Ha! Nice one, Mr. Stark!"
"I'm serious.”
Tony and Peter worked together to carry Star-Lord outside and dump him into the trash.
"Aw, man!" Star-Lord said. "How could my life get any worse?"
That night, Star-Lord saw shooting star.
"I should make a wish!" he said. "I wish that my legs weren't broken anymore!"
Then, he fell asleep inside a pile of garbage.
While he was sleeping, a raccoon crawled onto him.
"AGH!" Star-Lord shouted.
He screamed, and the raccoon screamed back.
Then, he jumped up and shook the raccoon off!
"Hey!” Star-Lord said. “My legs aren't broken anymore!"
He leapt out of the dumpster and ran down the street, shouting with joy.
Suddenly, he bumped into Gamora.
"Whoa! What do you think you're doing?!" Gamora asked.
"I'm celebrating because my legs aren't broken anymore!"
"Oh, okay," said Gamora. "Have you seen Rocket?"
"No. Why?" Star-Lord asked.
"I sent him to go get you, but he never came back.”
Rocket ran up to them.
"Oh, so you found him?"
"Yes," Gamora said. "Yes, I did."
Rocket started laughing.
"Hey! What's so funny?" Star-Lord asked.
"Your hair! Why is it so long?" Rocket asked, laughing harder.
"Yeah… that is a bit strange…" Gamora said.
"It's called fashion! Look it up!" Star-Lord said, flipping his hair sassily.
Rocket stopped laughing. "Yuck. I don't like it."
"Whatever!" Star-Lord said. "Come on, let's go!"
"We aren't going anywhere until you get a haircut," Gamora said.
"I am Groot," said Groot, who had silently been standing there the whole time.
"Hey!” Star-Lord said. “At least he likes my hair!"
"No, he said that it's stupid and ugly," Rocket corrected him.
Star-Lord screamed and tried to get away, as Rocket and Gamora held him down and cut his hair.
This is when Peter found them.
"Oh! Daddy! There you are! Are you leaving?"
"Yes, Peter. I am.”
"Oh, okay," Peter said. "Here! Take this before you go!"
Peter handed the glasses to Star-Lord.
"Ah! My glasses!" Star-Lord said, putting them on. "Thanks, Peter!"
"Good-bye, Daddy!" Peter said. "I'll never forget you!"
"Alright!" Star-Lord said, turning to his friends. "Let's rock and roll!"
"I am Groot," said Groot.
"He doesn't like your glasses, either," Rocket said.
The End!