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All the books and blogs and articles she’s ever read tend to say the same thing: that as soon as you lay eyes on your baby your whole world changes.
From the second they are placed on your skin, it’s as if every piece of life finally makes sense. Living breathing proof that you carried and grew this entire human, with ten little toes and ten little fingers. There is an unbreakable bond between mother and child that begins long before birth, but only strengthens every day after.
Kiara can safely say that all of those things are true. But they left out a very crucial part about motherhood, especially being a mother for the first time. It’s fucking terrifying.
It’s been fifteen days since they brought Marley home from the hospital and it’s been nothing short of chaotic in the Maybank household. Her parents, the Pogues, and lots of other family friends have consistently popped up to visit, bringing flowers or blankets or whatever casserole dish they managed to whip up.
And Kiara’s grateful for it, she really is. Most days she and JJ wouldn’t be fed if it weren’t for Ms. Lana’s lasagna. But, in the cycle of people coming in and out of her house it’s been hard to be as social as she normally would.
More importantly, it’s been harder to connect with Marley than all the books made it seem. Even in her own mind, she built their bond up to be something that would require minimal effort. She was Marley’s mother, she carried her for nine months in her body, put up with all of the aches and pains gladly. Of course it’s been no help that her husband is a master. Watching the way he rocks Marley in her nursery at night, reads her stories or tells her grand tales of their youth, and can practically ease any cry with the snap of his fingers only reaffirms everything she said to him a couple months ago, JJ was meant to be a father.
The moment Marley was placed into his arms, she settled peacefully like she knew the man holding her would do everything in his power to keep her safe. To make her feel loved.
He took to parenting like he did most things. With a well-practiced and effortless ease and Kiara is big enough to admit it annoys her. She knew how blessed she was to have a partner that helped shoulder the load and expectations that came with caring for an infant, but she couldn’t understand how it all seemed so natural to him.
Marley was up constantly in the middle of night, Kiara doesn’t think either of them have had a full four hours of sleep in weeks, running on herbal teas, dedication, and the occasional pick me up of espresso.
Like tonight, just as she begins to close her eyes, the tell tale echo of Marley’s cry drifts into their bedroom and disrupts any chance at rest.
JJ moans slightly beside her and makes to get up but she presses her hand to his shoulder lightly stopping him.
“I got it, Jage,” she whispers and places a kiss on his head.
She takes a moment to look back at him, a smile coming to her lips instantly at the sight. God she loves this man . If her daughter wasn’t screaming for her now, she would be content to stand and stare at the way his golden hair reflects in the moonlight. The way his long eyelashes flutter slightly against his tanned cheeks, his soft snore filling the room. How even in sleep, he looks like he’s planning a big caper or on the verge of a ridiculous joke.
Kiara makes her way into Marley’s nursery, not having to go very far down the hall. They wanted her room closest to theirs for nights like these when she was up.
“Hey Mar, what’s wrong,” Kie asks quietly and pulls her into her arms. Tiny drops of tears fall down her flushed cheeks and her lip is pulled into a strong frown.
“Are you hungry?” She questions and moves to sit down in the rocking chair by her crib. “Tell you what I’ll make you a deal, I feed you and then you let mom and dad sleep for like three hours? What do you think?” she teases lightly and brushes the dark wisps of hair off her forehead. Marley babbles nonsensically and lets out a mini yawn.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” Kiara smiles.
For the first few days at home and without the help of the nurse, Kiara struggled to get Marley to latch onto her. She wasn’t sure if it was something she was doing wrong, or if that’s just how it was sometimes. She thought about asking her mom, but luckily Marley eventually figured it out.
Maybe she could sense going to Anna was the last thing Kiara wanted to do.
Kiara loved her mom she really did, but she could be incredibly judgmental and overbearing when she wanted to be. Anna Carrera has always looked at the world with her chin held upwards, leaving no tolerance for wild and inappropriate behavior. Everything had to be picture perfect in her home. That made it really hard for Kiara to feel like she could trust her with the most vulnerable and messy of struggles she faced.
Not to mention Kiara felt like she was always holding parts of herself away from her mom. Like she couldn’t ever be who she truly was for fear of retribution or ridicule. The memories of the pain and torture she endured during her Kook year always find a way to infiltrate her mind and heart.
She understands all that her parents have done, the hard work they’ve put in to give her the best life possible. But they did that not only for her, they did it for appearances. So they can prance around the Island Club and say they have a successful daughter, a thriving business, and a beautiful mansion. All of the things that she couldn’t give a shit less about. It isn’t who she is to care about the kinds of clothes you wear, what car you drive, the boat you have. And she’ll be damn sure it isn’t the way she raises Marley.
The little girl in her arms, who now is full and content, begins to shut her eyes and drift back to sleep. Kiara runs her finger around her cheeks, up to cross her forehead, and back down to the tip of her nose. She likes to call it painting her face, and JJ discovered early on it’s one of Marley’s favorite things ever.
JJ, not her
Because for the life of her, she can’t help but feel an undetermined amount of space between her and Marley and she doesn’t know why it’s there. She loves her baby like she has never loved another soul, and yet it still doesn’t seem to be enough.
She doesn’t feel the spark all those authors talk about, that all the women speak of. That she can see vividly and clearly every time JJ holds Marley in his arms.
And she doesn’t know what else to do. She’s tried nearly everything.
Way too exhausted and drained to try again tonight, she places Marley gently in her crib and walks back to her room.
The strong shrieks of her daughter wakes them both up yet again, as the sun is just starting to rise.
Have kids they said, it’ll be fun they said
Kiara groans and rolls over, moving to throw the covers off of her, but JJ beats her to it this time.
“It’s my turn babe,” he calls out tiredly and heads to get Marley. In a matter of seconds Marley goes completely silent and she wonders what sort of magical power JJ Maybank possesses when it comes to babies. It would turn her on if it wasn’t so frustrating.
He comes back with Marley and begins pacing slowly around their room. He gently bounces her up and down, and Kiara watches as Marley instantly fades to sleep, resting her head on his shoulder. He smiles knowingly and whispers something into Marley’s ear she can’t hear, placing a kiss on her cheek.
“How do you do it?” Kiara asks, a hint of exasperation and longing in her tone.
“Do what,” he answers back in confusion.
“Get her to calm down like that. How are you so good with her, meanwhile it takes me forever just to get her to freaking eat.”
“I took secret classes to make me a perfect dad before she was born. Or I’m just a baby whisperer Kie what can I say,” he teases with a smirk.
He never fails to make her laugh, even in the most tense and emotional of times. It’s like he is in tune with her every thought and knows exactly how to make her feel better. How to pull her from her own head.
She rolls her eyes nonetheless and shakes her head fondly. “Haha, very funny. I’m serious Jage, why doesn’t she like me? Is it something I did? What if this is how it’s always going to be even when she’s three or four, and pretty soon she’ll be sixteen and hate me as much as I hated my mom! What if that’s all that we-”
“Kiara. Stop,” JJ interrupts, breaking her anxious train of thought. As she ranted, he moved to stand right in front of her and placed his hand against her jaw. She leaned into it and exhaled slowly. He shook his head firmly, ocean eyes displaying just how crazy he thought she was.
“Marley loves you. You are her mom. And I get it’s never been easy between you and Anna, but I know you. You are never going to let that be you and Mar,” he affirms and looks down at his sleeping daughter.
“Hold her, Kie. Hold your daughter,” he insists and begins to place Marley in her arms.
She blinks back the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes and reaches out to take her. Marley fusses momentarily at the movement, but soon is breathing steadily against Kiara’s chest once again. She lays back against her pillow so that she can fully stretch out and JJ walks to the other side of the bed and joins them.
Kiara places her hand on Marley’s back and rubs it up and down in what she hopes is a soothing motion. Mar is clad in a fuzzy pajama onesie that has little sea turtles all over it, Sarah’s doing of course, and seems more than content to continue dreaming serenely on her mother’s bare skin.
She leans her head down and gets closer to Marley’s face so she too can whisper everything that’s on her mind and in her heart.
“I love you Marley Rose,” she starts in a passionate tone. “I promise, if you give me a chance…I’ll be a good mom to you baby. I promise.” Kiara finishes in a slightly shaky tone, emotion lacing her words. Tears fall quietly from her eyes and land gracefully on Marley’s head.
JJ, in hearing her words and seeing his wife’s anguish, moves as close to his girls as he possibly can and pulls Kiara into his arms.
“She knows Kie. She knows and I know, you are going to be the best mom ever. Way better than your mom, hell a million times better than mine.” he chuckles in a self-deprecated kind of way. Kiara’s heart breaks momentarily at the mention of Georgia. After having a child of her own, it makes even less sense how someone could want or even think about leaving their kid. She watches JJ try to recover from that brief unpleasant flash down memory lane, and commits something deep in her heart.
They will do better than their parents. They will hold each other accountable and lift one another up so that their kids live lives free from the trauma and suffering and pain that plagued both of their childhoods.
“We got this. It’s you and me. Always has been, always will be,” he beams softly in a way that seems so second nature. Like it’s just another fact of life. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. The surf is best at Rixon’s after three but while the sun is still out. As certain as the cicadas that buzz in the marsh on warm, humid nights and the North Star gleaming brightly in the dark sky.
That is the way they love one another.
And the infant sleeping soundly on her chest may not know it yet, but she is going to grow up never wanting for anything in this life. Never wondering if who she is is good enough in her parents eyes, never craving or begging to be loved and kept safe because it’s a given. It’s something she will always have.
One month later
“Hello hello! We come bearing wine and cards!” Sarah’s bubbly voice calls from the front door as she and John B, who is carrying a sleeping Booker in his arms, make their way into the Maybank house.
“Hey Sar! You didn’t have to do that! I still have wine leftover from last week,” Kiara comes up to greet them, pulling her best friend into her arms and squeezing her tightly.
“What do I always say?” she asks with a lilt in her tone.
“The more wine, the better,” Kiara recites proudly at the same time as Sarah.
“Amen to that!” She smiles and takes the bottle from her hands. “Hey JB, how are you? How is fatherhood,” she turns and embraces her best friend warmly, placing a gentle kiss on Booker’s head so as not to wake him up. He tended to be a terror when he didn’t get his full nap.
“Oh you know, complete chaos but in the best way!” Kiara is glad to see his eternal optimism still fully intact.
“I mean thriving in chaos is kind of our thing bree,” JJ calls, moving across the living room with a wide smile at the new arrivals. Marley too is resting, strapped to his chest in a fabric carrier. They came across it in the maternity store when they went looking for all the things they wanted in Marley’s nursery and Kiara knew as soon as her husband laid eyes on it he’d been head over heels at the idea.
If their teenage selves could see them now, she’s pretty sure JJ would laugh uncontrollably in his own face.
Seeing as he was a father now, JJ loved to put Marley in the chest carrier and take her wherever he went. Kiara couldn’t prove it, but she honestly thought sometimes he’d make up a reason to leave the house just so he could carry her around.
The sight of them both did something to her ovaries that she didn’t want to think about after only having just had a baby, so she went back into the kitchen to finish making dinner.
“Oh my precious angel! Look at you Miss Mar,” Sarah squealed in delight at the sight of her niece, while John B and JJ gave it their best attempt at hugging one another. An effort made incredibly difficult because of the kids attached to them.
All the commotion startled Marley awake, but she was used to her aunt and uncle's shenanigans at this point. Booker on the other hand, though several months older, still seemed to believe it was his world and everyone else was just living in it.
“I’m gonna go put Booker down real quick, I’ll be right back,” John B said quietly while walking towards the stairs.
“Can I hold her,” Sarah begs sweetly, making grab hands at JJ to hand over his daughter.
“How did I know you were gonna poach Mar from me Sarah Routledge?” JJ jests playfully and unsnaps Marley from the carrier, putting her in the blonde's arms.
“Oh please, you don’t think I come here to see you do you?” Sarah retorts with a laugh, pulling Marley impossibly closer. Kiara’s sound laughter can be heard from the next room over.
“Wow ouch, guess I’ll just take her back then,” he jokes, pretending to reach for the baby and Sarah dodges him swiftly.
“Ok, ok I take it all back! I love you too crazy,” she relents and places a tiny peck to his cheek, ruffling his hair at the same time because she can’t help herself. “Where’s Pope?” Sarah asks, looking around for the fifth and final member of their family.
“One of his classes is running late, so he’ll be here in an hour or so,” Kiara answers, coming towards the living room with a spatula of food in hand.
“Taste test, and be honest! That’s why I had to stop giving it to JJ,” Kiara explains sternly, holding the spoon up to Sarah’s mouth.
“Babe, everything you make is amazing, I don’t know what else you want me to say!” JJ defends himself and wraps his arms around her. She rolls her eyes as he places delicate kisses to her neck.
“It could use a pinch more paprika,” Sarah replies, licking her lips. “But still, to die for Kie!”
“That exactly!” she yells out with a smirk to her husband. “See this is why we are soulmates Sarah.”
At that, JJ begins tickling her sides fiercely and she wiggles to get out of his grasp.
“Stop Jage, stop it!” Kiara huffs out in between fits of laughter.
“Guys be quiet! I JUST got Booker to calm down enough that I could leave the room,” John B urges them as he rejoins the group.
“Sorry dad,” Kiara snarks and JJ chuckles in response.
“When did he get so bossy?” Kiara turns towards Sarah, who shrugs her shoulders and moves to sit with Marley on the couch.
“I don’t know, but I’ve tried to tell your uncle to chill out and he won’t listen. No he won’t!” Sarah coos joyfully at Marley.
“Babe, really? Whose side are you on,” John B whines in mock hurt.
“Kie’s always duh! I feel like we’ve had this conversation.”
JJ and Kiara both laugh at the heartbroken puppy look on John B’s face and settle next to Sarah, watching their daughter take in everything going on around her.
“Oh stop it, you know I love you Vlad,” she calls out when he throws a fit towards the kitchen.
“I swear sometimes it’s like I have two children,” she rolls her eyes playfully and presses Marley to the side of her cheek. “Oh my goodness, how rude of me! I totally forgot about your present little miss,” Sarah cheers and reaches into her purse.
“Sar, you didn’t! We told you to stop getting Mar stuff, she’s practically up to her elbows in headbands and pajamas,” Kiara sighs.
“I absolutely did, she is my only niece Kie! Let me spoil her! All I ever get to buy is stuff with sharks and trucks and dinosaurs, let me have a minute with flowers and hearts and the color purple I beg of you!” Sarah pleads dramatically.
“Seems like it’s a matter of life or death here, Kie. She might keel over from lack of girly things,” JJ leans over to her and teases with a mock gasp. She promptly elbows him in the ribs.
“Fine, fine. But I’m cutting it down to one item a week and I mean it!”
“Yes ma’am!” Sarah cheers while pulling out the tiniest and most adorable pair of lavender purple converse Kiara has ever seen. She didn’t even know they made them that tiny.
“Oh my god Sarah those are ADORABLE!”
“I KNOW RIGHT!” she boasts proudly, slipping them onto Marley’s feet.
“Quiet guys!!” John B berates from where he is no doubt sneaking bites of food from the kitchen.
“Okayyy I am going to go find out what the hell is up with Mr. Grumpy cloud over there, be right back,” Sarah reports and sets Marley into Kiara’s arms. She smiles brightly and blows them both a kiss before heading to the other room.
Marley nudges her head lightly on Kiara’s chest and her lip puffs out as she sleeps.
In the weeks after the night of her breakdown, she and Marley have never been closer. Everything fell into place and now anytime Kiara held her daughter she felt the love and trust flow strongly between them. She had voiced all her insecurities and fears, and even though she understood that Marley couldn’t know the tumultuous emotions going through her mind, her baby girl had still given her a chance.
Now her face lit up when Kiara went to pick her up out of her crib. She constantly babbled when her mama was around, joy and happiness clearly written on her face in the small dimples just like her dad’s forming near the corners of her mouth. Her bright blue eyes shine with wonder as Kiara reads her stories or swings with her on the patio.
The way Marley looks at her, wraps her entire hand around one of her fingers, and all the little things in between, make her feel more and more sure that she had been a fool before. She had let the fear and anxiety take over at the possibility of Marley and her becoming like her and her own parents. It was the last thing she wanted.
She wanted Marley to feel like she could laugh with her at the randomest of things, play in the mud without fear of getting in trouble for ruining the carpets, tell her any and everything with the knowledge that that information would stay between them and she wouldn’t use it against her later.
To come to her and just cry when she needed to. She wanted to be that place, that person for her.
And now, as she smiled at her sunshine girl, she knew that Marley felt that.
“Whatcha thinking?” JJ prompts carefully, while twirling the metal rings around his fingers because heaven forbid he stayed still.
“That you were right, she does love me. And she knows I love her,” Kiara beams happily and turns to look at him. He nods gently and brushes a stray curl that had fallen from her bun behind her ear.
“Told ya. How does the saying go, ‘husband knows best’?” he quips with a shit eating grin.
“No, that’s not it at all!” she busts out laughing and scrunches her nose at him.
“Wait, wait don’t move I have to get a picture,” JJ calls out suddenly and abruptly moves to find his phone. When he returns to the living room, it’s with his crappy, broken Samsung in hand and he begins documenting the girls.
“Your dad is ridiculous,” Kiara whispers to Marley in a fond tone. He and Sarah both were known on occasion for taking pictures and videos of Marley doing cute things. And by on occasion she meant all the time .
She was willing to bet money Sarah’s camera roll had more pictures of her and Marley than anything else.
“Sarah’s going to love this!” JJ sang out in a completely off pitch yet totally endearing voice. “Sar Bear, look at how cute my wife and daughter are!” he bragged, running off into the kitchen.
Kiara couldn’t help but feel so overwhelmingly lucky at that moment. To have friends that have been by her side her whole life, ready to drop anything for her. For being able to wake up to JJ’s blue eyes and teasing grins every morning as they tackled life together.
And for her daughter, who deep in her heart knew how much their connection meant to Kiara and is the driving force in helping her understand how to love someone so unconditionally, nothing they could do would make her love them any less.
With Marley pressed against her skin, she finally felt alive and free from the trials and tribulations of her past. For the longest time she had her foot in both worlds, Kook by force of her parents and societal expectations, Pogue by choice in her heart and soul. Everyone wanted her to be one thing or another, and that created a confusion in her over what she was meant to be. What she was meant to do with her life.
And even after she opened the restaurant, it still didn’t feel like she had fulfilled whatever greater purpose she was put on this Earth for.
Now, because of Marley, that’s all changed.
If she is able to love her daughter and make her feel special and valued just as she was, then that would be enough for Kiara in this life.