Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Paul didn’t know what was happening.

He was in a black room, with loads of sofas and chairs. There was a ginormous screen, but it was completely blank. He glanced around, in a daze, before noticing Emma next to him, looking just as confused.

“Paul? I swear we were just with the Professor.” Paul nodded, before looking up, suddenly aware of many people standing up, looking just as groggy as him. There was Ted and Charlotte- but that wasn’t right, wasn’t she just with Sam?- and Bill. Bill was clinging to Alice, while a girl Paul thought must have been Deb stood awkwardly to the side. Paul was getting more confused by the second.

Looking around, Paul noticed many unfamiliar faces, yet all looking similarly confused. Yet, Paul noticed, everyone seemed to be split up into groups. There was seemingly four other groups, each with different amounts of people.

Paul turned to his friends, wondering what the hell was going on.

-

Slippery When Wet Diktats was clutching her sobbing daughter, and trying not to sob herself. Mouthface clung to her, blabbering apologies through her tears. Slippery When Wet held on to her, thanking God for bringing her daughter back.

Jack Bauer, though she was still mad at him, was excitedly grabbing their daughters hand, overwhelmed with joy at having her back. Craphole, bless his tiny heart, had his arms wrapped by his sisters side. Titty-Mitty stood, smiling at his family.

A loud cough suddenly brought Slippery When Wet out of her joy. Anger filled her soul as she glared at the good for nothing bastard who had stolen her daughter away from her.

“Why are we here?” she asked, certain the two good-for-nothing men were the reason they had woke up in a strange room with some kind of thing on the wall after just being on the trail.

“I don’t know. I was just on the trail with Cletus here on the way to make your daughter my child bride. ” The man in question waved slightly at the mention of his name, but stopped after seeing her glare.

Slippery When Wet gave up, sighing after turning away from the two idiots and looking across the room. There were four clusters of people, all looking unsure. She just hoped someone knew what was going on.

-

Ani was confused. He swore he had just been training with Tarky and J. J., but why were Mara and Emily were here? Mara had gone to chase her dreams of working in Jabba’s palace.

“Hey Mara, how are you doing?” he asked, wondering why the young women was here in this strange room with a massive screen and chairs.

“Good,” she said, smiling at him. Yet Ani swore he could see a hint of a lie in her eye.

“Good, good,” Ani replied, before turning to the people next to him. Tarkin , J. J. and Emily were all talking to each other, seemingly questioning why they were here.

Ani turned to look at the other people in the room. There was a few groups scattered around the room, each with faces wondering what was going on. Ani frowned. He needed to get back to podracing! He needed to win the competition, to show the world that Ani Skywalker wasn’t done yet.

Just as he was about to go over to another group, a man with styled facial hair stood up and voiced what everyone had been thinking: “What the hell is going on?”

-

Tom was confused. The toy store had just opened, and he was finally going to get that doll for Tim.

Becky, just like before, was stood next to him but all the shoppers were gone. Lex was still with them, but there were new people as well. Tom turned to look at Ethan, next to a young girl that he guessed was Lex’s little sister.

“Lex? I swear me and Hannah were just outside of the cinema,” Ethan said with a furrow in his brow. He turned to face Tom, then speaking in shock,” Mr Houston?”

Tom nodded, next turning to look at Becky. She was glancing with a frown around the room, looking art the scattered people across the room. Many off the other strangers were looking around as well, apparently also confused over what was going on and why they were here.

Just as he thought about it, a man from one of the groups spoke for all of them and asked what was going on.

Tom wasn’t expecting a reply, but the giant screen turned on, displaying words across its screen. He scanned past them, trying to make sense of what was happening.

The man who spoke earlier spoke up again.“ My name is Ja’far. My companion is the Princess. I urge you to introduce yourself, like it says. I do not know whether to believe what it says, but it is our only option right now.”


“I can’t read,” piped up a tiny boy, the teenage girl next to him nodding in agreement.

“I will read it for you then,” Ja’far replied. “It says that we are all from different worlds, and that we each have musicals about us. It says that we must watch each of the musicals, and that we must decide the order by voting after watching the first song.”

Tom shook his head trying to make sense of what was going on, when a shockingly familiar voice spoke.

“I’m Emma, and these people are Paul, Charlotte, Ted, Bill, Alice and Deb,” she said, pointing to each person as she spoke. Tom noticed Paul, the guy that Emma was meant to be looking after Tim with, looking slightly green.

“Emma?” He questioned,” I just left you and Paul to look after my son.”

“Different universes, I guess,” she replied,” Wait, why was Paul there?”

Before Tom could reply, a women said, ”I’m Slippery When Wet, this is my husband Jack Bauer and these are our children Mouthface and Craphole. That man over their is their grandpa, Titty-Mitty. The other two are damn bandits. Don’t trust them.” Tom decided not to question the names, and it seemed nobody else wanted to ask.

“I’m Cletus Jones,” said the happy bandit with a smile and wave, “And over here is Mcdoon. The Bandit king.” The last title led to Mcdoon and Cletus to make some weird gesture in front of their faces, and to the family noticeably sighing.

Becky stepped forwards, introducing their group. “I’m Becky, this is Tom, and these kids have told me their names are Lex, Ethan and Hannah.”

A uptight-looking man, wearing some kind of matching crop top gear with two others in their group, spoke next. “I’m Jeffery. Jeffery Tarkin. These other are Mara, Emily, J. J. And Ani.” Tom noticed that when saying Emily, the other man’s voice stuttered slightly.

Tom swore that those names sounded familiar, and it looked like other did too. Were they named after Star Wars characters?

Ethan voiced just that question. “Like Star Wars?”

“Exactly like Star Wars! Want to hear a Star Wars joke?” questioned Ani, smiling in glee at the thought of others who could appreciate his jokes.

“Um, maybe later.” Ethan replied before exchanging an unbelieving glance with Lex. Just when the room became awkwardly silent, a glowing light flashed up on the screen proclaiming a title for the first of many things that Tom would have to watch to escape this place and go home to his son with a Wiggly. He couldn’t fail Tim again.

Twisted: The Untold Story of a Royal Vizier

Chapter Text

The Princess was upset with Ja’far.

She couldn’t believe he sentenced an innocent boy to death like that. A-. Al-. That boy was the love of her life and Ja’far took him from her! She pouted, before sitting down.

All of the other people in the room was also on couches, all whispering with each other pensively. She couldn’t blame them and wanted to talk with Ja’far, but she was still upset with him. She just wished he could be a bit more understanding to the mistreatment, unfair sentencing and corruption in the kingdom.

Ja’far nudged her in the shoulder, but she ignored him.

“What’s wrong, Princess?” he asked. “It’s your fault that innocent boy is dead!”

“Aladdin? Trust me, he is not the type of person you should be upset over. He lead to many deaths.” Ja’far replied, looking exasperated.

The Princess was just about to defend her love, but then the screen suddenly changed.

“Once upon a time” a voice said over a blank screen. “In a faraway land, there was a magic kingdom” said a young women while gesturing to the sky.

Ja’far choked, looking terribly upset. His faced was contorted into a twisted expression and his eyes became quite wet.

“What is it?” the Princess asked, unable to ignore her advisor in pain.

“That women… was my wife. She died in childbirth, around the same time you were born. I still miss and love her to this day.”

Paul frowned, before asking, “Why is she narrating the.. musical then?” With a look of visible disgust on the word musical.

Ja’far smiled sadly before replying. “She was a storyteller, one of the best in all the lands. It would make sense for her to tell my story, as she was the one I told everything too.”

Paul nodded, while everyone else gave looks of sympathy to Ja’far.

“that prospered through its commitment to two simple ideas: duty and devotion, the two D’s” Sherrezade continued.

Deb and Alice snickered slightly, while a lot of the others gave them confused look gave them confused looks.

Alice, noticing everyone looking at her, responded to their unasked questions “It’s this form of animation, which is a way to watch films. I think Ja’far and the Princess may be the musical versions of this 2D animated film called Aladdin by this company called Disney.”

“I think it might be a parody though, because you both seem very different,” Alice added.

The Princess nodded, saying, “I think so too. I know Aladdin.”

“No you don’t,” sighed Ja’far.

“For many years the kingdom stood as a shining beacon for artisans, craftsmen, and storytellers who all flocked to the land with a dream to uphold the sacred Two D's. Through their hard work, a glorious golden age came to the kingdom.”

She gasped, before exclaiming, “Followed by a second- even greater than the first!”

“Then… came the dark times The kingdom came into the hands of an evil sultan, and through his negligence the kingdom fell to ruin.” Sherrezade gasped, holding her head in her hands.

Alice, who had loved Disney movies since she was small, recognised the story. “That sounds like the different eras of Disney films. There were two golden ages, then in the early 2000s it became less popular before the third golden age.”

“What’s a film?” Mouthface asked. It seemed like many others, such as Ja’far and the Princess, were wondering as well.

“It’s kind of like that we’re watching now. Only it’s not performed in front of people, it’s just made to be watched like this.” answered Lex.

With all their questions answered, Ja’far began to dwell upon the fact that there was going to be third golden age; maybe the kingdom was going to become a great place like what he had dreamed of when he was young.

“The happiest place on earth ... became the crappiest place on earth. Despite the efforts of one man. A man with a dream to restore the kingdom to its former glory and bring about the prophesized third golden age. A misunderstood man.” Sherrezade nodded at the screen.

 “That’s you, right?” Bill said, looking at Ja’far.

“I think so,” he replied, “I hope so. I have always wanted to help our country. It is not doing well, due to greed of some of its members.”

“Yeah, it’s awful!” piped in the Princess. “I wish the people with power in the city would help to change it.”


“Aren’t you the princess?” asked Tom. “Can’t you help your people?”

“I try,” says the girl. “But someone-“

She turns to Ja’far, glaring at him, ”-doesn’t like my ideas.”

Ja’far sighed, looking like it wasn’t the first time they’d had that conversation. “Princess, your ideas would never work.”

“That’s not true! Everyone becoming a Princess is a good idea.”

Ja’far gave up. Though he loved the Princess like his own daughter, her naivety of the world knew no end. She would soon learn, like him, that all life was was a series of compromises, disappointments and defeats.

The camera zooms in on Ja’far holding a book as he walks forwards. “I look around the kingdom and see the desperation and the devastation that persists, no matter what I do” he sings. “But today could be the day I finally make a difference” he laments hopefully.

“Is the kingdom in that bad of a situation?” asked Becky.

Ja’far nodded. “I try my best, but the sultan is not for reforms. We have an agreement with our neighbouring kingdom, but it took a turn for the worse.” He turned to Paul and his friends, who suddenly seemed rather green and where whispering nervously at each other, like what was one the screen had made them physically ill.

“Are you over there all right?” he asked. He wanted to help these people and become friendly with them, since they would be forced together for so long.

All of them shifted, when the women named Charlotte managed to gather her composure, “Oh, we’ll be just fine. You’ll see what this is about when you get to our… musical. I don’t want to say just now because I fear I’ll sound quite insane.”

“And all the grateful citizens will say to me…” Multiple different citizens walk around Ja’far, crying out “Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!”

Many started laughing. Charlotte was giggling quietly, Ted was snorting and Hannah was sat laughing in Lex’s arms.

“I’m sorry,” said Charlotte,”It’s just that the opening is very much like another Disney film.”

When everyone had stopped laughing, Emma looked at Ja’far thoughtfully. “Um. Hey. Why are they yelling fuck you?”

Ja’far turned round. “They blame me for the problems in the kingdom. Everyone needs a scapegoat, I suppose, so I don’t blame them. They need someone to be at fault.”

A man holding a basket walks over and says “Fuck you, Ja’far!” Ja’far cheerfully cries, “Good morning, Baker!”

“How are you so nice to him?” asked Becky, confused about how anyone could be civil in a town like that.

Ja’far smiled sadly, replying, “I got used to it. It got worse over time as everyone blamed me for not being to solve any of the kingdom’s problems.”

The Princess turned to him curiously, about to speak before realising she was still supposed to be mad at him. She had never known that the people of the Magic Kingdom hated Ja’far so much. The Baker hands Ja’far some bread while asking him a question.

“Where are you off to today, you no good piece of shit?”

A puppeteered Parrot replies instead of Ja’far, exclaiming,”Squawk! Piece of shit!'

The Baker angrily turns round too Ja’far. “What did you just call me, you bastard?”

The Princess tuned to Ja’far, deciding she wasn’t that mad at him. “That’s unfair! He called you a piece of shit and now he’s getting mad at you for apparently calling him the same thing! He’s a hypocrite and it’s awful.”

“Ah, things in this world are often unfair. You must do your best to change it, but you have to be at peace with the fact you can’t right all of the many injustices that occur.” Ja’far replied. He hoped the Princess would actually listen to his advice for once.

“Well, why don't you teach him these words, then? Fuck you, Ja’far Marie! The baguettes! Hurry up!” The Baker cries.

Everyone who heard of Disney laughed.

“That is from such an iconic scene. I think everyone in similar universe to where I’m from knows it.” explained Alice.

An angry citizen walked up to Ja’far exclaiming, “Why don't we have enough to eat?”

The Baker also asked, “Why are we dying in the street?”

A women holding a baby questioned, “Why does my baby always cry?”

A little girl holding an apple tearfully asked “Why did my mommy have to die?”

All the citizens piped up, singing, “Mine too! Mine too! Mine too, Mine too, Mine too!”

Thoughtfully, Tom spoke, “Surely you couldn’t have helped with all of this? A baby crying is not your responsibility, it’s the family.”

“It is my duty to help the kingdom with whatever they need.” Ja’far replied solemnly. “I have a responsibility to the citizens, no matter what it is they need.”

The angry citizen from earlier yelled, getting all the townspeople’s attention. “The answer here is crystal clear. Ja’far, that ugly old Vizier! He's the reason for our many woes.”

All the townspeople ran at Ja’far, but a girl stopped them.

“I can’t believe this! Surely if they had to blame anyone they would blame my father. He’s the sultan.”

“They believe he is the chosen ruler. I am merely a convenient person to blame for everything, not matter what the ailment.” explained Ja’far.

“Though we're upset, we shouldn't fret. We mustn't let ourselves forget the saying every child raised within the kingdom knows…”

All the citizens leaned back, while the women sang “You've got to dream a little harder, when life won't go your way. Simply dream a little harder. Trust me when I say that when you dream a little harder you're sure to follow through!”

“Cause if you're good and you're attractive, no need to be proactive!” The girl continued.

“Good things will just happen to you!” chorused the entire ensemble.

“This… is just making fun of Disney movies. Many people critique them for the protagonists not helping themselves, and good always wins over evil despite the effort put in.” Alice mused.

All the citizens except one with glasses leaves and Ja’far walks in.

“I’ve come to return the book I borrowed!” Said Ja’far, holding the book in front of him.

“Oh, Ja’far!” exclaimed the Librarian in a neutral tone.

“It took you long enough, you shit-eating dog” the librarian continues with a grimace on his face.

“I thought that man would finally be nice to you. You should stand up for yourself more.” said Slippery-When-Wet, frowning.

Ja’far, still smiling, replied,” I couldn't put it down! It's one of my favorites! The story of a misunderstood witch who's really not wicked at all She's just green! But she still gets blamed for all the kingdom's problems.”

Suddenly, Alice exclaimed, “I’ve just realised! That’s the plot of this other musical, Wicked. This must be a parody or take inspiration from it. They even have similar titles!”

“I’ve hear of that,” said Deb thoughtfully, “but I don’t know much about it.”

The librarian sourly replied, “Oh, so you think you're better than me just 'cause you can read? Well, get out of my bookstore, we don't like your kind here anyway.”

Ja’far questioned, “But what about the book?”

The librarian replied, saying “Keep it. And may the rats ejaculate upon you.”

A few people chocked down their laughter, looking apologetically at Ja’far before turning back to the screen.

“That’s a good insult.” thoughtfully drawled McDoon. “Cletus, we’ve got to remember that.”

“Why is the kingdom plagued by theft?” the Baker asked.

“Why are there no more good jobs left?” yelled the librarian.    

  “Why does the sun go down at night?” questioned a citizen.

“Why is everyone in the kingdom white?” said another person.

All the citizens get up and start murmuring at each other, with one everyone looking around at each other.

“Um... Ja’far?” The librarian said, blaming the vizier for all of the kingdoms problems.

 “I can’t believe this! They’re blaming you for everything and it’s not fair. I blame you for things but only when it’s your fault.”

Ja’far sighed, calmly saying, “It’s normally not my fault, Princess. I try all I can but many in the palace are full of corruption and injustice.”

“Ja’far!” yelled the angry citizen from earlier.

“Ja’far! Ja’far!” cried out the townspeople.

All the townspeople hide behind the very aggressive townsperson who cries, “No man who's just could ever trust a face that triggers such disgust!”

“His twisted features give me such a chill” said a women behind the man’s arms.

“This is awfully rude. You look perfectly lovely! I don’t know what these people are talking about.” Charlotte whispered, leaning over to talk to Ja’far, indigent over what the people were saying about him.

All the citizens go in a circle around a women while she sings and circles her arms about. “So let us pray that one fine day that evil man will go away.”

All the citizens clasp their hands together as if they were praying while in unison chanting, “Cause if we want it bad enough he will!”

“I know what there saying is awful, but the dancing all through has been incredible! It’s my dream to be a dancer and I just went for an audition.” piped up Mara.

Ja’far turned to her, smiling. “I’m sure you would be a wonderful dancer, Mara.” Mara’s smile slid off her face as she nodded.

Ani turned towards her in worry. He had wondered how Mara’s audition had gone at Jabba’s, but this didn’t seem good. He oped that the kid had done well. Also, deep in his mind, he thought to himself; if someone as youthful as her couldn’t accomplish her dreams, what hope did he have?

“For if you…” trails of a women-

“Dream a little harder!” cuts in a man.

“You'll get what you desire,” continues the women from before.

“Dream a little harder!” interjected a new townsperson.

“When things are looking dire, if you dream a little harder success is guaranteed!“ the women from earlier resumed.

“If you are sure of your intention some magic intervention..”

“Will give you the edge that you need!” jumped in the citizens.

 “Is there a lot of.. magic.. in your kingdom?” Alice asked with a wonderstruck expression. She loved media with magic! It was so incredible for her to see worlds other than her own, with different rules and logic.  

Ja’far grimaced. “Many believe in it. I don’t really believe in fairy tales though, but I can’t deny there are some things in my world that can’t be explained. My wife told all kinds of stories full of magic and owner, and my belief in it sort of faded away after her death”

Alice nodded, pitying the man who had obviously lost so much.

Ja’far walks in holding a book, then crashes into a women who ism obviously meant to be Belle.

“Holy shit!” cried Deb, “That’s Belle! She’s a character from what movie this entire song is referencing!”

Alice gazed at the screen in shock. She didn’t expect to see that many Disney references! The show would have been amazing to see in her world. She loved musicals, especially Hamilton and Wicked.

All the adults in the Hatchetfield groups were looking at the character when had been in so many of their childhoods with laughter, wondering what this musical would twist her into.

Ja’far, looking sorry, apologised by exclaiming “Oh! Pardon me, madam.”

“Oh, that's alright. Just try to keep your fat face out of that motherfucking book.” Belle said, while tossing Ja’far’s book to the ground.

“I can’t believe this..” said Lex, “I watch this shit with Hannah and it’s so weird to see them swearing. I mean, it’s Disney! The PG haven of the world for all the little kids.”

Ja’far turned to face the audience, singing his heart out. “I know that I'm no prize. I’m not so easy on the eyes. I can't rely on looks to get me by, but ugliness permits a man to use his wits ‘cause pretty people never have to try.”

“I hear the people whisper as I walk about the streets I know they call me-“ Interrupted all the citizens, yelling, “Ugly old Jafar!”

“This is just plain rude at this point.” pointed out Becky, “They made a song about how much they hate you! And all they’re doing is insulting your looks and blaming you for everything, even things that aren’t you fault.”

The citizens clutch another person’s hand in the background while Ja’far continues. “What I call planning, they call scheming. What I call delusion, they call dreaming. Why am I the only one who sees things as they are?”

“I’m not much of a dreamer. I only believe in concrete facts and knowledge, dedicating my life to make the world better. I have not time to daydream and I need to plan to keep the kingdom in order.” Ja’far explained.

The Princess pouted. “You have to dream a little! Wanting to make the kingdom a better place is a dream, so you are in fact a dreamer! Everyone is!”

“The issue is, Princess, that I have long given up on a third golden age. All I want to do is improve the world we must live in, even if it’s only by a tiny amount.”

The citizens all chant while moving around Ja’far in a circle, “Wish a little stronger!”

“I need six eggs!” yelled Belle.

Alice spoke up again. “There’s another reference to the original movie! They’re not slowing down with them. It’s honestly incredible they’ve managed to fit so many in.”

Why not buy some?” questioned Ja’far.

“Hope a little bigger” continue on most of the townspeople in the background.

“I want to fly!” says the Baker.

“That's unrealistic,” Ja’far logically points out.

“Think a little louder,” continues on the citizens.

“I want to be a cat!” exclaims the Librarian.

Everyone started laughing at the townspeople’s strange wishes, when Alice had a sudden idea over what it meant. “It’s like Peter Pan! And the Aristocats!”

Lex frowned. “I never saw the Aristocats, but Peter Pan is all about flying, so that makes a lot of sense.”

“In the Aristocats, there’s a song about how everybody want’s to be a cat. That’s such a good reference! I would love to watch this if it was just a regular musical in our universe. It seems so clever.”

“Whistle while you swallow a spoonful of sugar and your dreams will come true upon a star!” all the citizens sing while dancing and twirling around.

“Even I know these references. Mary Poppins and Pinocchio, right?” said Deb, turning to her girlfriend.

“And Snow White as well, I think.” Alice turned to Deb. “There’s a song about whistling while you work in it.”

The angry citizen before yells at all the citizens again, singing “Dream hard enough, my friend, Ja’far will meet a violent end! He could be skewered by a sailing ship-“

“The Little Mermaid!” piped up Lex. “Hannah loves that film, don’t you?”

Hannah nodded, curled in next to her sister and Ethan.

“Or hanged in tangled jungle vines!” interrupt the other citizens.

“That’s Tarzan, right?” Paul said. All the kids turned to look at him.

“I thought you hated musicals, Uncle Paul?” Alice asked.

Paul nodded, saying, “I do, but everyones seen at least a few Disney movies in their life. It doesn’t mean I liked the songs.”

“Or eaten by hyenas!” suggests one citizen.

“Or he'll plummet to his death from a castle-“

“A clock-“

“Or a cliff!” yell all the citizens in unison.

Alice spoke one again. “Those are defiantly all references to Disney deaths, I recognise Scar. But honestly, why are they wishing such awful deaths on you Ja’far? That’s just cruel. You may have the same name as one, but you’re nothing like those villains.”

Ja’far sighed. “These people see me as a villain. Also, I do recognise many of these deaths. You mentioned someone named Scar earlier, and there is a character who has the same fate in the stories my wife told. I think our universes are connected in the fact we tell the same tales.”

All the citizens sing and make hand movements in person.

“And if we dream a little harder, our patience and our honour-“

All the citizens turn and point at Ja’far, blaming him for all of their problems.

“Will rid us of that ugly old Jafar!” “Fuck you!” cries the librarian as everyone raises their middle fingers to Ja’far.

Paul sighed, relieved that the torture was over, even if the relief was only temporary. His companions- except for the kids, who hadn’t witnessed the brutality of the apocalypse like they had- seemed to relax more as well.

Ja’far clapped his hands. “Well, that was an introduction! Why don’t we move on to the next one quickly, so we can get this over with as soon as possible.”

“No offense, but I think each for these is going to last hours. We’re going to be here for ages, not matter what.” Emma pointed out.

Just as Ja’far was about to reply, he became silent and turned to face the screen as it suddenly changed to display a new title.

Ani: a parody

Chapter Text

Ethan had watched the Star Wars movies a couple times, but nothing had prepared him to have the real, ugly, Jar-Jar Binks in front of him. He thought that just this was the weirdest thing that had ever happened to him, not even the surreal movie theatre part. Just the random Star Wars characters were making him feel insane.

A deep breath rattles behind a blank screen, slowly fading onto Ani facing away from the screen.

A voice echoes in the background, saying ,”And their heading for the finish line; the dust is just too thick. I can't make out who it is. Wait... Who is it? It's... Ani!” whilst Ani is being zoomed in on.

“Hey, that’s from the pod racing part!” said Ted. 

Emma turned to him questioningly “Didn’t know you were the type to be a Star Wars fan.”

“Hey, hey, hey!” Ted exclaimes, putting his hand up in the air. “My kid brother, he’s the nerdy type. He used to force me to watch it with him.”

A member of the crew opens the door, and then says, “Excuse me? Lord Vader?

Ani turns around. Instead of being intimidating, smiles at the man. “Please, please. Call me… Ani!” 

“This is so surreal”, Ethan said, turning to Lex. “Darth Vader is usually some terrifying presence in the  Star Wars movies, but he seems so… friendly?”

“Hey man!” cries Ani, “I resent that. I’ve done some pretty evil and terrifying things for the Evil Empire in my time. Don’t discount my achievements in the past because I’m not in my prime now!”

“Okay…”  trails off Lex, tugging Hannah closer to her.

“What be a.. Star Wars??” asked Slippery-When-Wet for her confused family.

Ja’far, the Princess and the bandits nodded. They had all been confused by the references from the more modern people.

“It’s like stories people tell, but they make them on the screen like the one in front of us. There’s nine main parts of these… stories. The group shown now are probably based one on these stories, but they were changes.” explained Paul.

Cheers echo in the background as Ani asks the man, “How are you doing?”

The Death Star crew member reprehensibly speaks up, ”Fine. How are you?”

“He looks nervous,” commented Ja’far. “Is he alright?”

Tarkin speaks up, “Oh yes, he’s quite alright. Many of the crew members just don’t know what to think of Lor- Ani.”

Ani replies nostalgically , “Oh, pretty good, can’t complain. Just looking out into space, y’know, thinking about the good old days. That’s there thing about the gold old days. You never know you’re in them… until they’re gone. So, what’s up?”

“It’s true”, Becky replies, trying not to look at Tom. “Time flies and you never know what you’ve missed until it’s gone.”

The man gestures to his wrist, answering his question while doing so. “Your meeting with the imperial officers.”

“I have plenty of time before..” Ani says, shaking his head while checking his wrist, before a look of shock crossed his face. “Oh Cripes! I’m late!”

Ani runs out of the room, while more background singing occurs.

“There he is. He isn't like you or me. He's a man, just a man and he's better than you've ever seen,” plays while Ani hurriedly cleans his teeth.

“It’s odd to see Darth Vader doing anything so casually.” says Deb.

Alice nods. “I can’t imagine him doing normal everyday stuff like this.”

“Hey!” Ani says. “I may be a Sith, but I’m still a person just like anyone else here.”

J. J. nods. “Ani is a great guy. Has always been good to me.. even when the galaxy hates me, heesa still with his old pal J. J.!”

Ani rushes across the room, waving a stormtroopers, while “He's a hero; the captain of the team,” is sung.

Ani crashes into imperial crew members with, ”He is something so incredible and he's being all he can be,” playing.

Tarkin frowns. He may be friends with Ani now, but this some seems rather ironic. Ani had barely done anything for years! It was almost like the song itself was making fun of him…

“You can look, but you can’t touch. It is hard to believe. But he’s here in the flesh finally…..”

“Ani!” is exclaimed repeatedly as everyone dances in sync, with Ani at the front smiling widely.

“I can’t believe I’m watching Darth Vader dance with a bunch of Stormtroopers as back up..” Ethan says, a horrified expression on his face.

“Hey look at these guys!” Ani says to two stormtroopers. “You know, sometimes I get you guys confused! Just kidding, you guys are clones.”

“Hey! They’re not clones. They’re storm troopers, not clone troopers.” Deb says. “I watched the Clone Wars show, but it seems like the continuity is all mixed up.”

“But hey, if you guys are clones, how’d this one get so ugly?” Ani tried to joke, instead failing spectacularly  (a defining character trait).

“I’m kidding again. You’re both beautiful.” Ani awkwardly says after the two stormtroopers look at each other nervously.

“You’re as bad as him.” Emily says, ruling her eyes and gestering towards Tarkin as he turns bright red.

Tarkin feels himself turn more flustered. No matter what he does, he can’t say the right things around her, instead accidentally something embarrassing and innapropriate.

“That’s the thing. I joke, but I love everybody.” An idea crosses Ani’s mind, and he asks a question; ”Say, do you guys like Star Wars jokes?”

The first stormtrooper  replies, saying,“Yeah, sure.”

Ani exclaims, saying “Oh great! Well, I don’t have much time; I’m on my way to a meeting but I’m working on a set of Star Wars knock-knock jokes. Like, for example, knock-knock?”

“Whose there?” pipes up the same stormtrooper as before.

“Yoda.”

“Yoda who?

“Yoda man.”

“Everyone knows that one!” says Paul.

Ani smiles. “So my joke is famous! Great!”

“Thats not..” Paul sighs, giving up.

The stormtroopers don’t laugh, but it could be heard from a place not displayed on the screen.

“That must be the audience..” Alice ponders, “So it must be a show that was actually performed somewhere. I can’t imagine making this without getting loads of copyright.”

“You see what I did there?” Ani asked excitedly. “I made it sound like I said ‘You’re the man’. It’s a double meaning! A humorous play on words, and.. that’s where the comedy comes in.”

The two stormtroopers once again turn to face each other in disbelief.

“I can’t imagine hearing about the legendary Darth Vader, then he come to you and makes a bad joke.” Ethan could not describe how weird this was.

Ani, seemingly as cheery as ever says, “Don’t worry about it! Sometimes my jokes go over people’s heads. It makes sense, I’m a big guy, y’know?”

“Yeah..” nods the apparently lost for words stormtrooper.

“Alright, I’ll see you later,” is said by Ani to finish the conversation before he once again sprints across the stage. 

In the distance “Wait! Wait and see. It’s better than the movies,” plays as Ani gets hit with a lightsaber thrown from off stage.

“Better than the movies? No way can a fucking musical be better than anything.”

“Watch him go. Don’t you know!” continues as Ani tries to turn on the lightsaber and ends up looking down it.

Deb grimaces. “Imagine dying from a lightsaber to the face. What a way to go.”

“It would be painful, I’ll tell you that! I’ve seen it many times before.” Ani remained as cheerful as ever, even when talking about a brutal death.

Tarkin and Motti try and stop him with,“There’s more to him than you see,” behind them.

“Hey, it’s Tarky!”

“Very bad!”

“Dangerous!”

“Sorry about that guys.” Ani says, “Hey, do you guys like Star Wars jokes?”

“Again? Seriously?” Lex rolled her eyes.

Ani turned to her. “This is a complex form of comedy. You need to learn extensive lore to understand it that takes years to learn.”

“I guess?” replies Tarkin, exasperated.

Ani enthusiastically replies, “Oh great! Knock knock?”

“Whose there?”

“R2D”

“R2-D who?”

“No, RD-2D! Gotcha!” says Ani, lightly knocking Motti on the arm.

“Wow, real deep-cutting Star Wars knowledge needed to understand that.” Lex shoots back at Ani.

Motti rolls his eyes, letting out a discontented “Oh..” as he and Tarkin leave the stage.

Ani joyfully waves them off. “I’ll see you later!”

“ROCK!” Rock and roll.” suddenly plays as Ani starts playing an air guitar and bouncing across the stage. “He’s the one that no one can control.”

“I feel like I’m going insane.” Ethan resisted the urge to put his head in his hands. How could his day get weirder? 

Ani mimes playing the drums next to the band before the next lines start. “Oh no. (No!) Let him go. How does he do it? No one knows.”

Never mind. It already did.

Everyone raises their hands to start dancing on “You can look, but you can’t touch.”

“It is hard to be believe” plays as everyone swipes their arms around.

Ani and the other others start moving in slo-mo when the next line started “Cause he’s here, in the flesh, finally!”

“It feels weird for this whole thing to be be about me! I mean, the Empire has people who have done so much more than me. Like Mara.”

Mara nods. “It’s true, but you’re still a legend! Nobody cares about Darth Vader, but Ani Skywalker will always be a legend for his podracing skill.”

“Really, thanks Mara.” Ani says. “For believing in me. I’m sure Jabba will love you and hire you on the spot!”

Mara gives him a fake smile. How was she going to tell him that she ran out?

“Ani!” echoes as the crew of the Death Star start bounces from foot to foot and waving their hands in the air.

“Ani”

Everyone stars to crowd around Ani as he shakes when, “Ani, won't you realise we're all rooting for ya? (Ani!)” plays.

Tarkin was sure this was meant to be ironic now. Most of the higher ups on the Death Star had hated Ani!

“Ani, we can't wait anymore. I think we're ready to go.” plays as Ani runs past all the crew mates”

Ani does a solo dance move, then everyone copies him.

“I think we're ready to go, yeah!”

Everyone does the bouncing dance again, as Ani, exhausted, leans on his knees.

“Ani! Ani! Ani! Ani! Ani!” Everyone lines up behind him, then they all go to separate sides of the stage.

“This feels like a grand final!” Alice leaned forward excitedly. She had always enjoyed musicals before that day.

Ani wiggles his fingers towards the audience on,“I think we're ready now…”

Everyone jumps up in the air on the final line ,”I think we're ready to go!”

Ja’far smiled. “Well that was very confusing. Are you some kind of leader for some organisation? Like me being the Sultan’s Vizier?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say leader… I’m more like a supervisor! But I haven’t really done very much in a long time."

Just then, the screen changed, displaying the next show.

Trail to Oregon

Chapter Text

Jack Bauer grinned. “Oregon! What a place. Now we’re all together, this family will make to the border.”

Slippery-When-Wet sighed. “This one will be about my family. We’ve been travelling to Oregon on the account of someone burning down our farm.”

“Honey, you know sometimes God does these things to test us. I know Oregon will be the place of all out dreams, once we get to there.”

Slippery-When-Wet shook her head at her husband. Her family had been going down the trail, faced with mishap after mishap. Her daughter had been kidnapped! She had no clue how he thought the farm burning down was a good thing.

“Is Oregon by chance a place?” asked Tarkin. “Some planet in a distant galaxy?”

Paul had forgotten he was with aliens. He pulled himself out of his stupor to answer. “Uh, no. We’re I’m from, Oregon is a place one this planet called Earth. We haven’t really been to other planets yet.”

“Hey, what do you mean other planets?” Craphole asked with a curious expression on his face.

“Jesus Christ.” Ted sighed. ”I can’t believe you people are from fucking hundreds of years ago.”

Emma glared at him. “Shut up asshole. He’s just a kid.” She turned to Craphole. “I’m guessing we’re from the same type of universe as you, just in the future. We learnt there’s more planets out there."

Paul nodded. “I’m guessing your from around the 1850s. I know this game about the Oregon Trail, which is where I’m guessing you’re from. Most of us are from around 2018.”

Just then, the screen flashed to life.

The screen fades in on a family of five, all gazing off into the distance when “Trail to Oregon” appears in front of them.

“It’s all the people from our show except us, Cletus.” McDoon noted. “Must be the family before they crossed paths with us down the trail.”

Mouthface glared at the two bandits. Before now, they had been so quiet she had almost forgotten the two men who had kidnapped her were there.

“Crossed paths?” Slippery-When-Wet said incredulously. “That’s a real roundabout way for saying kidnapped."

All the other in the room had’t known the slightly dodgy characters in the corner were kidnappers. Ja’far moved the Princess away from them. He knew the girl was too naive to stay away from anyone.

The camera zooms in on an enthusiastic Father, who smiles and sings, “Good morning!”

The rest of the family copies his waving gesture and echoes his words. 

“Huh,” Alice pondered, “It’s almost as if you guys are addressing the shows audience. I guess it must be more interactive than the last two.”

“We stand before the journey that leads us all.. to Oregon!” The Father points his hands off into the distance, wildly gesturing.

The family echoes him once again.

“That was real creepy.” Charlotte noted. “I could almost see Jack Bauer staring right at us.”

They all swing their arms, while the father sings, “A pioneer adventure, down the trail to Oregon!” He does the same gesture again.

All of the family copy him again, except for Grandpa. He faces the other way and sings, “to Wisconsin!” instead.

Deb nods. “I get that. Why would anyone wasn’t to go to Oregon of all places?”

“Excuse me!” exclaimed Jack Bauer. “Oregon is a place of wonder and riches! Everyone’s travelling down there to make their fortune.”

The Son turns round to him, bewildered, while the Father questions, “Grandpa?”

The old man frowns, grumbling “What? My legs hurt…”

“Oregon may be a little far for him,” hissed Slippery-When-Wet under her breath so Titty-Mitty couldn’t hear, “He’s an old man. You’ve heard of he people that die on this trail. God knows we almost have already.”

“Wisconsin!”

The Father smiles tiredly, before turning around. “We’re going to Oregon, Grandpa.”

“I wanna go to Wisconsin…”

Wild cheering is heard, as the Father stares off into the distance, nodding his head.

“The audience is really loud…” Alice pointed out.

“Wait…” Jack Bauer said in a horrified tone. “The audience of these shows…. Are the ones who watch.”

“Well, duh. Thought that would be obvious.” Lex laughed.

Jack Bauer shook his you head. “I saw them!” He said hysterically. “When I was bit by that snake. They made me me sing this song and told me one of my family would die!”

“Now you were just hallucinating, boy.” Titty-Mitty shook his head.

“Your’e one to talk, Grandpa. You’re always talking about the lobster war.”

“Dam Cornwallis…” Titty-Mitty was seething to much to realise that Jack Bauer was saying that the lobster war wasn’t real.

“The promised land…” they all move their fingers in front of their faces, “will not wait for us. We leave our home with faith and trust!” Each raise a single arm in the air.

“That looks like such a modern gesture..” Deb commented. 

“We’ll find the place of our destiny.. and spread our family seed!” The fathers eyes go a little wild as he mimes chucking out seeds.

“You’re looking a little intense. Is it an important thing to keep the family going?” Becky asked.

Slippery-When-Wet nodded. “It means our children will have survived long enough enough to have a home and enough money to support a family of their own once we get to Oregon.”

The rest of the family once again copy him.

“Now, the show begins..” The Father looks straight through the camera, then winks at the unseen audience.

“Wait..” Jack Bauer says, a horrifying thought on his mind. “Does this mean I’m one of the watchers that leads to my families death?”

He was left to his own musing, as no one else wanted to deal with his ongoing crisis of morality. Everyone else assumed whatever was going on with him wasn’t important.

The family all harmonise, before the Father moves to the front and the family behind move their heads back and forth.

Paul shuddered as the music became more prominent and upbeat, anticipating the music about to come.

The Father begins speaking to the audience. “Hey there pioneers! Did you know in the 1840s, folks of all kind left their home in the east to travel down the trail to Oregon.” The Father once again stares at the camera, this time pointing at the people behind the screen.

“Its really like you’re talking to us!” Bill pointed out. “Is that something they normally do, Alice?”

“No, not really,” she said with her gaze pointed at the screen, squinting. “It’s almost like they filmed it to be posted somewhere. I’ve never heard of a musical doing that before. For all the filmed musicals the actors don’t interact because they don’t even know its being filmed illegally.”

“Yep! Whether they were carpenters, bankers, or, heck, even farmers! All three kinds of people.”

“Wait.” Paul pulled himself out of his musical hating stupor. “This has to be based on the Oregon Trail game. Those were the options you could choose. Even the names make sense now. People named their characters stupid things!”

“What do you mean?” asked Jack Bauer. “All people are one of those three. I’ve never met anyone doing anything else.”

“Theres a shit ton of stuff to do these days, more than the three.” Emma explained. “For example. I make shitty coffee for people. Tom was a teacher. Paul… works in an office?”

The Father gestures into the distance. “Yep, it was America’s original cross-country road trip. And today, pioneers, you’ve caught the Oregon fever.”

“And now it’s time to name your family, and take them down the trail.”

Tom peered forward. ”So what.. the audience has to name these guys? That’s why they have such weird names?”

He points to an audience member. “You excited? I’m excited. You look excited.”

“Do remember talking to these people at all?” Alice asked.

Jack Bauer nodded. “I saw them when I has snake venom in me!” 

Alice gave up on asking if he’d seen them at any other time. It wasn’t worth it to hear about the snake venom again.

The father joins in with the dancing again. “Now our journey begins in the 1800s, in a little city in Missouri.”

“Before we start, you decide on the names of all the people in your wagon party.” The family once again point at multiple members of the audience.

“The watchers!” Jack Bauer cried, “Don’t you see them?”

“Don’t worry! They’re not anything malicious. They’re just ordinary people at the theatre. Alice likes to go. We were going to see Mamma Mia when…” Bill trails off.

The family crowds around the Father as he sings, “You must decide who these pioneers are, are they carpenters, or bankers, or leaving their farm.” Everyone else in the family looks questioning. 

“I mean, it’s real obvious y’all are farm folk.” Cletus pointed out. “You’re dressed like one. I don’t see how these people could gave chosen that.”

“It’s time to spin a personal yarn.” The family help the Father up by his arms.

Mother then has the focus for the first time. “Carefully choose each name ‘cause this is more than a game.”

The family points their palms towards the audience. “It’s more than a game. Oh, yeah its more than a game. No two shows will ever be the same.” The family wag their fingers, moving them outwards from each other.

“That’s it then,” said Paul, “It has to be based on The Oregon Trail game. Why did someone have to do that to the game? It deserves better than to be a musical…”

“It’s interesting though. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to keep on the spirit of the game and have parts of the show change.” Alice admired the actors.

Mother walks across the stage. “My first pioneer would be President Polk. I know he’d be a good leader of the wagon.

“God job, now dear, that’s what we’re going for.” He gestures at the audience. “You’d be extra careful not to kill him.”

“Wait, you can die on this Trail?” Lex noticed everyone looking at her. “What? I didn’t pay attention is history.”

“Most did,” Paul replied. “There so many ways you could die. The one that featured in the game the most was dysentery.”

An odd chime of music played faintly in the background. Jack Bauer felt a shiver pass over the back of his spine. He thought back to the watchers with a thousand eyes as as the feeling of dread washed though his entire body.

Then, the Son joyfully walks across the stage, singing, “I think I would use my Mom and Dad’s name, of course, so I’ll make sure they never get divorced!” He says it cheerfully as the Father starts to look more panicked.

The atmosphere turned slightly more awkward as Craphole smiled, sure he was helping his parents failing relationship. 

Slippery-When-Wet internally sighed. Jack Bauer was a good man, but he wasn’t good at helping his family. He’d been too inactive during the kidnapping of their own daughter, for God’s sake! She didn’t know what to do.

“That might be too much information,” the Father says nervously, “But hey! It’s great to have that personal connection”. He cheers up, gesturing at the audience again as they laugh.

The Daughter jumps in. “I would make my family rich! They’d be bankers from New York.”

The Son walks across the stage again, singing, ”Richie, Johnny, Emily, and Peter, and Sue. Their bank fell down now they’re poor!” The Daughter looks confused behind him.

“You could be rich if you married me Mouthface, huh, huh,” McDoon laughed. “I’ve got all my money from mine and Cletus’ work. The Bandit King is very rich.” Nobody understood the gesture he made.

“Get away from me!” Mouthface shuffled closer to her mother. “I’m perfectly happy with my family, you kidnapper!”

The Father gives the Daughter a pat on shoulder. “That’s great, kids! Keep up the good work.”

The Mother asks a question. “Hey Grandpa. What would your name be?”

“Oh, well let me tell ya. Dick-Suck, Dick-Face, Hairy-Tit, and Dr. Buttnugget!” He speaks to the audience,”Heh heh, ain’t that a good one.”

“Those are brilliant names!” Ani cried out. “You’re a genius!”

“Well, thank you very much,” Titty-Mitty drawled, “It’s nice to see someone recognise my ideas for once..”

“Grandpa?” The Father pats him on the back. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He turns towards the Grandpa with confusion.

“What? They’re names…” the Grandpa says indignantly.

The Father smiles, his face looking unhinged. “Hairy-Tit?” He turns to the audience with an arm around the Grandpa. “Grandpa you’re setting a bad example for our pioneers here. You’re gonna make them think its a good idea to name their wagon party stu-pid things. He draws out the s and gestures to the audience.

“That must be so difficult to remember every single name every show if they’re different this time.” Alice pondered. “I wonder what other names you guys are called? Or maybe this is just a one off show…”

The Grandpa turns to the audience and speaks to them directly. “Well they should. It’d be real funny.”

The family gathers to gather and starts dancing again. “We are gone to Oregon. It’s the greatest family vacation.” All of them start snapping their fingers.

“I don’t think you can call it the greatest family vacation of all time if so many people die..” Lex points out. 

“The Trail is fun and good for learning! If you ignore all the ways you can die…” Jack Bauer trailed off.

“Well, our daughter was almost taken away by the trail. I don’t think we can call it a fun vacation any more.”

“Yeah,” Craphole piped up. “First it was super boring, then Mouthface was kidnapped so I didn’t have anyone to talk to anymore. I had nothing fun to do except look behind the wagon and-“

Craphole reconsidered what he was going to say. He did not want his mother to find out that he threw his shoe off the back of the wagon and lost it one the trail.

“It’ll bring us all together, couldn’t think of nothing better. Heck! Time for some family fun.” The Father stares dead-eyed at the camera again. “On the way to Oregon.”

“There you are starin’ into the camera again. It’s getting quite creepy..” Charlotte didn’t like how it felt like those in the room were being watched by those on stage.

The rest of the family start swinging their arms as the Father stares talking to the audience. “Alright pioneers, what do you say? What would you like to name me, your wagon leader?”

Various shouts come from the audience. The Father slowly smiles and raises his arm to point to the left of the camera. “What did you say?”

“I’m talking to them…” Jack Bauer said horrified. “They’re controlling out lives, our names..”

Everyone else tried to ignore his many paranoid rants about people watching him. After all, wouldn’t that make himself the watcher that would lead to his families doom that he kept taking about?

Jack Bauer happily sighs and clutches a hand to his chest. He says, “Jack Bauer,” as if it made him the happiest man on Earth. He nods contentedly while the audience laugh and cheer.

“That’s how your names some spy guy from this TV show,” Ted said, “You look really fucking happy to have that as your name as well.”

“It’s a great name!” Jack Bauer exclaimed. “A traditional family name, just like for the rest of my family.”

Slippery-When-Whet looked at Craphole and Mouthface, then nodded solemnly.

“I’m Jack Bauer, a farmer from Illinois. All my skills will be useless on the trail.”

The family begins to tap their legs from side to side. “My beautiful family is counting on me! A lot of pressure, I can’t afford to fail.”

“Oh, yeah. ‘A lot of pressure’. Yet you failed to protect Mouthface..” muttered Titty-Mitty under his breath. “You should try the pressure of the Lobster Wars..”

The music calms again. “Alright, now we need to name Jack Bauer’s beloved and beautiful wife, the wagon mother.” The Mother waves. “What would you like to name her?”

The Mother looks around with a slightly dazed expression as people once again shout names. “Slippery...Slipprey-When-Wet!” She moves her hands down. “I’ll take it!”

“It’s good, family name.” Slippery-When-Wet smiled. “I’m glad it got chosen for me.”

“It’s a great name!” Ani reaffirmed. The Dikrats nodded their heads, while everyone else tried to ignore the… odd names.

The family dances again, but with Slippery-When-Wet this time centre stage. “Slippery-When-Wet and I’m a mother of two,” she points at herself, “Could have been a banker, guess a farmer will do. Why did you get to choose?”

Jack Bauer steps forwards. “Well, honey, I don’t know if you know this about me, but … I wrote the show.” The crowd cheers.

“So it’s like this musical called Hamilton then. The main character is played by the writer and it’s historical as well..” Alice noted.

Slippery-When-Wet shakes her head, as Jack Bauer says “Just how this one goes.”

“‘Kay, well we’re not making it very far as a bunch of fuckin’ farmers.”

“Us farmers are the poorest compared to the carpenters and bankers. The bankers are very rich. If I could have chosen, we would have been bankers anyway.” Slippery-When-Wet added.

Jack Bauer grimaces, then nervously says, “All right! Well now, a wagon party isn’t complete without a litter of young’s, the eldest of which is Jack Bauer and Slippery-When-Wet’s teenage daughter.”

The daughter steps forwards and waves her hands as the father puts his hands protectively on her shoulders. 

“I bet we’re not gonna be named..” Cletus pointed out to McDoon. “We ain’t in the family like the girl. That’s a shame. It seems real fun.”

“What would you like to name her?”

The audience once again clamours.

“That seems so fun!” The Princess exclaimed. “I would love to be given such a exciting name, but I’m just the Princess.”

Mouthface smiled happily at the other girl complimenting her name.

The Daughter puts her hand to her face as if speaking to a large crowd. “I heard… Mouthface?” She looks slightly confused as Jack Bauer nods his head.

“That’s very odd.” Alice pointed out. “It’s seems clear to you on stage you’re talking to a crowd, but you say you had your names from birth and you’re nearly the same age now as in the musical.”

Jack Bauer turns to the Son who is grinning manically. “And what about our all-American son with a face like apple pie?” He swings his arm.

The Son looks terrified as the rambunctious crowd shouts out suggestions, while Jack Bauer mimes ringing out his ear.

“Young man, you look terrified.” Tarkin stated.

“Who wouldn’t be!” Becky laughed. “Imagine being a little boy in front of a massive crowd all yelling at you. You’re very brave.”

“Yes, I am!”

“Ah, I think I heard Craphole.”

“Alright!” says Jack Bauer as he moves away.

“Alright!” Craphole says cheerfully, “Ok, so wait, does that make mean I’m Mouthface-?”

“No, I’m Mouthface and you’re Craphole,” Mouthface says in a tired, patronising voice.

“I wish I had a sibling.” The Princess said. “Even if you two seem to argue all the time, I would love to have a bigger family than just my dad. He’s the Sultan, so he’s very busy, and I don't know who my other is.”

“Oh right. Okay, um-,” Craphole speaks nervously, ”Craphole, yeah that’s me! I’m seven and I’m male.” He raises his hand and points at himself, then gestures his hands out.

Mouthface lifts her hands into the air. “Mouthface is what my friends call me. I’m looking for love on the trail.” She frames her face with her hands.

“Not anymore…” Mouthface grumbled.

Slippery-When-Wet smiled at her daughter. She was glad she was becoming more sensible about they way of the world, and the dodgy men like Mcdoon in it.

“Ew, gross!” exclaims Craphole.

“I hope you’re bit by a snake!”

“I hope you break your back!”

Mouthface kicked her brother under the chair.

“That seems to be very… sibling like fighting.” The Princess noted.

Emma’s voice was very quiet, as she replied, ”It is. You kick and punch, but you lover each other in the end.

Lex pulled Hannah closer to her, hugging her little sister.

“Hey, I found wild fruit!” exclaims Jack Bauer.

Everyone is running without moving as Craphole says, “Pay, attention dad.”

“Going down a trail that dangerous, surely you should put extra care into your surroundings?” Jafar pointed out.

“He should..” Slippery-When-Wet murmured.

Mouthface asks, “Are we going to stop at the fort?”

“I forgot to shave.” Jack Bauer rubs his face.

“Did we bring enough food?” Slippery-When-Wet asks, exasperated.

Grandpa waves his hands in the air. “We could ride on Grandpa’s grave!”

“-what.” Craphole questions nervously.

Everyone was not sure what to make of the old man. He seemed to be a very odd character; a man who cared about strange things.

“Your family is certainly chaotic.” Becky stated the obvious.

Slippery-When-Wet confidently said. “Everyone just behave-“

“-because it’s only a game.” Jack Bauer continues.

All make a circular motion with their hands as they sing, “It’s only a game, I guess  it’s only a game. The Trail to Oregon is nothing but a game.” They wag their fingers, with their hands moving out.

“It’s odd,” Paul pointed out, “It’s based on a game, yet to you it’s life or death, and that’s not got the fun of a game at all. Maybe it’s just fun for the.. audience?”

Paul’s voice hesitated on the last word. He didn’t want to think about people who would willingly go and pay to see a musical.

“We’ll be there soon,” each family member jumps from foot to foot, “in Ore-goon.” They thrust their hands out.

Alice laughed. “I love fake rhymes!”

“Honestly it beats milking cow tits.” Each mimic milking, then shake their hands.

Nobody knew what to say to that, so the audience wisely kept quiet.

“We could be in a kitchen doing something with a chicken, but we couldn’t give less of a crap! ‘Cause were making it to Oreg-ap.”

The family spin to the back as Jack Bauer is left at the back.

“Alright Pioneers,” he points at the audience, “Let’s get a move on.”

“What about me Jack Bauer, you son of a bitch?” Titty-Mitty grumpily complained.

Jack Bauer plastered on a fake smile. “Just give it a second, Grandpa.”

The camera focuses on Grandpa as he creeps forward. “Wait a minute, you shickenkit son of a bitch. You forgot my name.”

“See? Happy now?” 

Jack Bauer puts his arm over the Grandpa’s shoulder. “How could I forget. What would you like to name out lovely Grandpa?”

There is lots of yelling from the audience while the Grandpa has a face of deliberation and confusion.

“He doesn’t hear so good, we need to do this one at a time.”

The Grandpa points at audience member. “Skitter-Minny. What was that? What was that?”

“Hmm,” Titty-Mitty deliberated. “That’s a alright name. I would’ve been happy with that as well.”

The audience member says a name quietly.

“Titty-Mitty?” He turns to face Jack Bauer.

“How do you feel about that Grandpa?”

Titty-Mitty smiles fully. “I like that name.”

Jack Bauer turned to his wife and whispered. “I’ve never seen the old man that happy before.”

Titty-Mitty squinted at the both of them, but his bad ears meant he couldn’t hear what Jack Bauer had said about him.

He walks away as Jack Bauer talks to the audience. “He likes to a lot. You made him happy.”

The family starts bouncing up and down until they are in a line, before all singing, “It’s time to run to Oregon. It’s too late to change the show now.” They all wag their finger again.

“I still can’t believe they change the show every night..” Alice murmured.

They all point into the distance. “You can go next door and see something professional. We wouldn’t blame you a bit, if your sitting through this Ore-shit!”

“I wish I could leave..” Paul thought to himself. He couldn’t believe someone would spoil the game by making a musical, of all thing. Why couldn’t it have just been a movie?

“We’re Broadway-bound,” they all swing their arms, “In Oreg-ound, ‘cause there’s no Broadway in Chicago!”

“Chicago..” Becky contemplated for a second. “It don’t think that’s useful for getting out of here, but it might be good information to know.”

“Who will forget their name,” they swing their hands above their head, “And who will get the YouTube fame?”

“Youtube?!” Deb said incredulously.

“That’s would be so amazing to have in our world. Accessible musicals with good quality would be such a good business model for fans compared to how expensive broadway tickets are.” Alice ranted.

Paul disagreed. He didn’t want musical theatre to exist.

The family all start snapping. “These are questions to ask, when you’re playing Oreg-ask?” The last note is high pitched, and the family raises their arms and start running about on it.

Still running, they keep singing. “It’s more than a game! Life is really great-”

The family all coverage together in the centre. “On the way to Oreg-ate!” They all pose, staring and smiling off into the distance.

“I guess that’s us all done for now.” Slippery-When-Wet wished she could see more about her life. She wanted to know if her later one in the musical would ever be able to save her daughter. 

Paul wondered who would be next. There was only two options: his group or the other one from Hatchetfield. He also prayed he wouldn’t be singing. It would be just his luck.

The next title appeared upon the screen.

The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals