Chapter Text
Envy sighed at Truth.
“So, let me get this straight. You want me to travel to another dimension to kill some wizard-because magic is real there-because this guy split his soul into pieces? I mean, the soul-splitting is super nasty, but why me?”
“Because, Envy, I chose you. Besides, it’s not like you have much else on your plate.” Truth responded, clearly smug.
“ARRRRG. If I agree to this, what am I agreeing to? Not just in terms of what you want me to do while there, but also, like, when I come back will it be to the moment I left? Or will time pass? And what am I getting out of this? Also, what resources will I have while I’m there?”
“My, my, so many questions. You will be returning to the moment you left, for starters. No need to have anyone freak out. Your original pay will come in the form of the, how do you say, the alchemy the Elric brothers are famous for. Hand-clap alchemy, one could say. You will be allowed to keep it once the mission is over. You might get something extra when you’re finished, though I haven’t decided on what it will be yet. As for while you’re there. When you accept I will have you set up for a job teaching alchemy at a magic school. I will give you information regarding the world you’re being sent to, but not all at once, as that might actually cause you to lose what’s left of your sanity. As for resources, you will be sent with enough money to live comfortably in the bank, as well as documents.” Truth replied, voice even. Envy thought it over, and then sighed.
“Ok, FINE. I’ll do it. As you are so annoyingly smug about, I don’t have much else to do.”
“Excellent.” And with that, there was a split second where Envy felt like they were splitting apart, and then…
— - –
They were standing outside a pub. They were confused for a second, before a thought came to them, clearly from Truth. They needed to go in for their job interview. And so they did, walking into the building and suddenly knowing they were supposed to meet with the oddly dressed person in the corner.
“Hello, I’m Envy, they/them.” They’d gotten in the habit of introducing themself with their pronouns years ago.
“Ah, I’m Headmaster Dumbledore, he/him. It’s nice to meet you.”
“Yeah, you too.” They sat down.
“Now, what are your qualifications?”
“Well, I’ve been studying alchemy pretty much my whole life. And I’ve seen it in action a lot. I will admit that I don’t really have experience teaching though.”
“That’s quite alright.” The questions went on for a bit longer, until finally the old man released them.
– - –
Envy had been staying at an inn ever since their job interview. They’d gotten a letter back (attached to an owl, what the fuck ) and they’d been hired. They didn’t know if any of that was Truth’s doing, but they didn’t really care. They’d been working their ass off to create a lesson plan. They walked downstairs and were met with everyone in the pub crowding some poor unfortunate soul. They tapped someone on the shoulder.
“What’s going on?”
“Harry Potter’s here!” Envy sighed. They’d be the first to tell you that they weren’t a hero, but spending time around Roy and Edward could rub off on a (non-)person. They pushed their way to the front to find a small child in the center of the mass. They pushed some more until they were in the center, and then shouted.
“BACK UP IDIOTS, BEFORE I DO IT FOR YOU! GO BACK TO YOUR SEATS AND THINK ABOUT WHY CROWDING CHILDREN IS WRONG!” That got at least a few people to back off. “You’re coming with me.” They took the kid by the arm and gently dragged them out of the room. Once the two of them were outside, they spoke. “I’m Envy, they/them. Nice to meet’cha.”
“I’m Harry, uh, he/him. Thank you for helping me.”
“Eh, don’t worry about it. Now, who took you here?”
“Hagrid! He works at Hogwarts!”
“Ok. We can either wait out here for him or you can come with me.”
“Uh, I don’t think Hagrid would like it if I left him…”
“That’s ok.”
– - –
“Welcome, everyone, to the start of term feast! I am proud to announce that our new defense against the dark arts is Professor Quirrel, formerly of muggle studies! And I am excited to announce that we are unveiling a new subject! Alchemy is for third-years and above, and is going to be taught by our new professor, Professor Envy, who uses they/them!” There are a handful of polite claps, most of the more enthusiastic ones coming from the Ravenclaw table.
– - –
The teachers of Hogwarts sat in the staff room, which was remarkably cozy.
“Envy.” Someone said, and the homunculus in question looked up.
“Yeah?”
“How old are you?” they were asked, rather rudely in fact.
“Older than you. And who are you, anyway?”
“I am Professor Snape. He/him. I teach potions. And I doubt you are older than me.”
“Oh well. If you don’t believe me there’s nothing I can do. Have fun doubting me.”
“Can you demonstrate alchemy for us?”
“The way everyone else does it, or the way I can?”
“...the normal way, I suppose.”
“Alright, buckle up. What d’ya want me to make? Actually, I have an idea.” They grabbed a piece of chalk from the front of the room and smoothly drew an alchemy circle on the floor. They slapped their hands onto it for dramatic effect, and out of the floor rose a metal statue of Snape. They picked it up and handed it to him among a smattering of applause. “Don’t worry, it’ll be a long time before any of my students will be able to do anything like that. Alchemy is intensely difficult and takes a long time to learn unless you’re a prodigy like my friend.”
– - –
“Alright fuckers, listen up,” Envy says to start the class. There is a smattering of giggles that a teacher swore. “Alchemy is fucking dangerous. I expect many of you will either drop out or be kicked out, and there is no shame in that unless you were kicked out for making foolish choices that could’ve resulted in injury or death. Now, unfortunately for all of our boredom levels, we’ll be starting with the periodic table of elements, which those of you who are muggleborns might recognize. It’s crucial to alchemy. Now, we’ll be doing other stuff in class since just studying this during class would be boring as hell. So, here’s what we’re going to do instead. You’re going to study the table outside of class and during class we’ll get started on the very basics. And before you ask, it’ll be a very long time before we do any practical transmutations. Now, I’m going to pass out copies, and you all are going to hang on to this as it’s the very basis of transmutation.”