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Grian sits at the edge of Monopoly Mountain, looking down at the world below. The sand stretches until it reaches the trees and grass in the distance. The cacti and lava separate the desert from everything beyond. The craters surrounding their previous bunker. The spot which claimed Grian and Scott’s first life. The spot which claimed Timmy’s final one. Grian remembers not feeling bad enough when Timmy died. He should have felt worse. His ally- his friend was dead (logically he wasn’t, he’d just been placed in spectator mode, then returned to whatever server he was currently living in). Timmy was dead. And Scar’s death *had* affected Grian. So he doesn’t know why Timmy’s hadn’t to the same degree.
Scar… The moment Bdubs killed him is still fresh in his mind. When Scar let him die. Betrayed him. The death itself hadn’t hurt. Well, not in a way that mattered. It was the knowledge Scar had betrayed him. Used his own sword to stab Grian alongside Bdubs’ crossbow bolts. All those days spent together had meant nothing in the face of a “no-kill pass”. Grian places his full loyalty in someone and expects that undying loyalty returned. Apparently, a piece of paper is all his loyalty is worth. All that time spent together in the desert was erased by a piece of paper.
Grian had believed that Scar was his friend. He had trusted Scar with his life, and he had always thought that Scar would do the same for him. But then, all of that had been taken away. Scar had betrayed Grian, and he could no longer trust him. Even after Scar had told him Grian could kill him Grian didn’t fully trust him. Not after he immediately turned around with a smile once Grian confirmed he wouldn’t kill him. But Grian hadn’t been able to kill him, not like that. Grian is mischievous, sneaky, (cruel,) but even he couldn’t do that. Not to someone he was loyal to, even now sitting at the edge like this he doesn’t know how he was able to deliver the killing blow. Grian feels like he's lost everything after that betrayal. He feels heartbroken, and now… He doesn't know how he can go on without Scar by his side. Despite all that has happened between them, he regrets everything, wishing he could have done things differently. But was there a differently? (There was, and Grian would have done it had he had any foresight at all.)
It’s his fault Scar is dead, and he knows he can never forgive himself for that. But Scar had also betrayed him, and he can’t understand why Scar would do this to him. All of these emotions are overwhelming, and he’s sure he’s losing his mind. All these feelings are crowding in on him as he stares down at the drop in front of him.
Grian is loyal. It’s his best trait and his worst trait. His loyalty is hard to earn but once you earn it, it’s yours. And after you’ve earned Grian’s loyalty it’s hard to shake. This had done it. Grian wanted revenge after he woke up in the cave. Or he thought he did (he did). Now Scar was dead, Grian had killed him. He doesn’t know how he could have now, glancing back at the body laying just outside the cacti arena. Grian feels nothing but emptiness as he slowly stands. He doesn’t even hesitate as he takes a step forward. Then, he’s falling. Quick and far from monopoly mountain onto the sand below.
Normally his wings would have stopped the fall by a pure survival instinct but his wings wouldn’t work here. Unfair advantage and all. And for once throughout this entire thing, he didn’t get annoyed by it. Grian knows that he is going to die when he hits the sand. He is falling, and there is nothing he can do to stop it. He’s already hurt from his fight with Scar after all. He feels peace knowing that he will be reunited with his friends when he falls. He is not afraid, and he is ready to die. As he falls, he closes his eyes and waits for impact.
-:-
Grian opens his eyes again and he is alone in his bed on Hermitcraft. He’s home. He’s safe. Scar is alive, and Grian is alive. He looks around the room. Everything is fine. He’s good.
He’s very much not good.
Grian doesn’t leave the mansion for several days. He sees the occasional hermit flying past and hears the occasional knock on the door. Grian doesn’t answer so they always leave eventually. He hasn’t so much as glanced at his communicator since he got back. He knows he needs to get up. Show himself. The hermits are already worried, he knows. If he doesn’t do something soon he knows Xisuma will come to visit him more forcefully. He doesn’t have the energy to explain. He doesn’t want to explain. He wants to sit in bed forever. He wants to forget everything that happened during third life. And he wants everyone else to forget too.
How can he show himself in front of Martyn and Ren? Impulse? Timmy? Worst of all Scar? How can he ever look at Scar again without seeing those lifeless eyes staring up at the sunny desert sky? Grian has seen Scar dead before. He’s killed Scar before. But that was different. That was here on Hermitcraft where death meant nothing. They could push someone into lava and laugh about it later. But in there… Death had hurt. It had meant something.
Grian sat in his bed, staring out the window. The trees on Hermitcraft were in full spring splendor, their leafs fluttering down from above. He felt as though he was in purgatory, waiting only to be finally called. Only the call never came. There was nothing but silence. His fingers flexed and unflexed, his eyes darting from side to side while trying to stay focused on one single spot. His hands moved faster and faster as the stress of the situation took hold of him. These panic attacks kept happening whenever his mind allowed him even a moment of peace. He deserved them though. After everything he did. “Pranking” Scar at the start with a creeper. Laughing as the explosion killed Timmy, Ren, and Skizz. The lava trap that killed Bdubs. His kills of BigB and Skizz. And of course the last one. The lack of guilt he felt throughout the entire thing was scary. He should have felt bad, shouldn’t he? And he killed Scar. Twice. Why did he do that?
The panic attack lasted an eternity, but it did pass. Finally. He could feel that his heart was still beating. That was a good sign. After a few moments of sitting on the edge of the bed, he stood up and began pacing the floor, wandering the mansion. He couldn’t sit still, there was too much energy in him. He stopped at one point and rubbed the bridge of his nose trying to clear his head.
No good.
And that’s when the world decides Grian has isolated himself enough it seems because a knock is heard. His whole body stiffens. Especially after hearing the voice on the other side.
“Helloooo? Grian? Are you in there? We miss you!” It’s Scar.
For a moment Grian can't move. He can't even breathe. His mind racing with a thousand thoughts at once at the sound of Scar’s voice. He just stands there. Completely silent, and motionless. While before he was hyperventilating this time Grian has forgotten how to breathe. He hasn’t heard Scar’s voice since the fight in the cactus arena. Hasn’t heard his voice since the two of the shouted apologise at each other. Grian can’t talk to him. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone but especially not Scar.
Grian feels his mind go blank. There’s just… nothing. Nothing but the sound of Scar’s voice and the pounding in his head. His brain unable to process the situation as his vision begins to blur. There’s silence for what felt like an eternity. A million thoughts racing through Grian’s mind at that time. He slowly begins to breathe again. His heart pounding so hard Scar must hear it. The knocking continues from Scar’s side. Grian is frozen in place. He knows he has to move. Say something. Do something, anything. But what? Scar knows he’s in here. There’s no doubt about it. Where else would Grian be? Especially after the already days (weeks?) of isolation. And somehow Grian doesn’t think Scar will leave.
There’s a knock on the door once more. Grian can’t do anything except stand there. His mind raising out of control. His thoughts were too loud, too fast, and too chaotic to be of any use. There’s a sinking feeling slowly spreading through Grian. A sense of dread. And Grian is unable to respond. Frozen in place. He can't do this. His breathing quickens as he tries to speak. Tries to come up with an excuse ("Sorry Scar, I'm sick") or maybe find somewhere to hide, maybe even flee the mansion. But Grian is unable to do anything beyond standing there, feeling his heart beating in his chest. There's one more soft knock at the door and then a small sigh.
"I'm coming in, okay?" Scar calls out. Those words hit Grian like a train. Already frozen with indecision. He doesn’t want Scar to come in, but he can’t do anything to prevent it now. Not without being incredibly rude. He has to think of something. But he can’t. There’s only one thought in his mind: Please don’t come in. The universe disagreed.
Grian watches the door. His heart is pounding like a drum in his chest, and the doorknob twist, followed by a loud creak. The door opens. Slowly. He watches Scar enter, looking very calm, eyes darting around the room, taking in everything before his eyes land on Grian who's standing in the middle of the room, looking like a complete mess. His eyes are bloodshot, his hair disheveled, and his clothes wrinkled. Scar takes a step in, then another. Not saying anything for a long moment.
“Hey, G. Come on, let’s go sit somewhere. You look like you’re about to faint,” Scar slowly walks over, stepping very deliberately but carefully. It’s like he’s walking towards a cornered animal he doesn’t want to scare further. That analogy is surprisingly accurate. Grian doesn’t move. Instead, he locks his eyes on Scar, watching him slowly cross the floor. No, Scar wasn’t moving like he was walking toward an animal that he didn’t want to startle. He moved like he was walking towards a bomb that he didn’t want to jostle. And the bomb was ticking. Scar took another long step. He was now standing directly in front of Grian, his eyes locked onto his.
“I’m just gonna put a hand on your shoulder, okay? Lead you to a chair,” Scar says softly, his hand hovering, waiting for a reaction. Scar slowly places his hand on Grian’s shoulder, and Grian flinches for a split moment. He can feel Scar’s hand on his shoulder as if he was touching a hot pan. Grian takes one small step backward and takes a couple of small breaths, shaking. Scar keeps his hand on his shoulder though, slowly leading him across the room. The moment they reach the chair Scar gently pushes Grian down but Grian practically falls into it, the chair jostling loudly. Scar then kneels in front of Grian, taking his hand instead of his shoulder.
“Will you breathe for me Grian? One breath in, another out?” Scar starts breathing loudly, trying to get Grian to follow but it’s difficult when his breath hitches at every opportunity. Scar doesn’t seem to mind though, giving him a small smile before speaking again. “Can you tell me five things you can see, G?” Scar asks. Grian takes another shaky breath in return. Scar is calm. Unbelievably calm. Grian can't even form the words to ask him, *What are you doing?* He doesn’t have to, though. Scar is talking to him now, his face inches from Grian’s. Scar’s eyes locked solely on him, nothing else in the room exists. He closes his eyes, holding onto Scar’s hand as if it were a life raft in a stormy ocean. He takes a deep breath, and then another, taking Scar’s advice and focusing on his breathing and the things he could see. He opened his eyes, his vision already clearing as if his mind was finally able to focus on everything
The question was simple, but it demanded attention. Okay. Yes. He could do this. Five things he could see. The first thing he looked at was Scar’s face. He could see the small lines around his eyes, the small wrinkles at the edge of his eyes, the tiny crease on his brow. He could see the beautiful shade of brown his hair is, the exact shade of Scar’s skin, and the thin stubble on his cheeks. Scar waited, silently.
“I see you,” he forces himself to say.
“Good,” Scar said. The weight of the word and the smile that came with it was so heavy it nearly pushes Grian over. He wasn’t expecting it. Why is he even doing this? He doesn’t know what to do with himself. He sits there for a moment, not sure how to respond. Then, he feels the warm hand on his own squeeze. Scar’s hands were always warm. He glances down, seeing Scar’s hand on his, holding his gently. His grip is tight. A feeling of calm rushed over Grian. “Four more things you can see?” He probes.
“I see our hands intertwined,” He mutters quietly. “And I see a shulker box on the other side of the room. I see…” his eyes wander for a moment, looking for anything interesting. He feels like a deer in headlights, so he takes a deep breath, and lets his mind wander, letting the words tumble out of his mouth. “A picture of Mumbo and I on the wall…” Grian hesitates. He feels his hand tighten a little bit, but not enough to hurt. Scar watches him, calmly. His heart is rushing. Finally, Grian decided on something. “I… I see the window. And the sunlight coming through.”
“That was perfect. You’re doing so, so good Grian. Can you tell me four things you can touch?” Scar asks.
“I feel your hand…” Grian is breathing heavier than he realised at first. His throat is dry like he has been in the desert for days, drinking only sand. It’s like all the moisture has been suddenly sucked out of him. He closes his eyes for a moment. A deep breath would probably do him some good right about now. In and out. In and out. Alright. He’s got this. He takes a deep breath and begins listing other things he can touch. “I feel the chair underneath me. I feel… I feel the table next to me”, he said, slowly, moving his free hand to rest on said table. Scar is still smiling patiently at him, waiting for one last thing.
“I feel…” Grian started, closing his eyes. He takes a deep breath. That short moment of calmness had passed, leaving only the panic in its wake, his skin tingling. He has to stop. He has to stop thinking. He has to stop feeling. “I… I feel… my heart beating in my chest,” Grian says, very quietly. Scar squeezes his hand a bit tighter again.
“Wonderful. You’re amazing, Grian,” Scar says quietly. *How?* He isn’t. Not after what happened at Monopoly Mountain. Not after Grian killed him. Not after Scar’s horrendous attempts at fighting him off. Grian’s still sure Scar wasn’t doing his best there. So many comedic misses. So many times running into cacti. The thought isn’t allowed to continue though, as Scar seems to have realised his breathing was quickening again as he quickly moved on. “Three things you can hear?” Scar’s voice is still so gentle. He sounds like the sun, rising over the horizon after a cold, dark night. So calming and gentle.
“I hear you breathing,” Grian says. Scar’s breathing is slow and steady. Grian takes a deep breath, trying to control his breathing a bit more. He has to stay calm. Panic is creeping back in. It’s slowly spreading through his entire body. He’s going to lose it. He has to fight it. “I can hear… I hear your voice.” He looks up at Scar. “I can hear the trees outside the window gently swaying back and forth in the wind.” Scar's mouth curls into a small smile at the sound of Grian’s voice.
“You’re doing an excellent job, darling.” He glances up at the window. “Ah, yes. The trees. Now that I know to listen for them, I can hear them too.” Scar’s soft eyes return to Grian. “How about two things you can smell?” Scar asks.
“I can smell… I smell… flowers? And I smell you, Scar,”. He always has such a pleasant smell. It was a reassuring combination of vanilla, a soft, almost musky vanilla. Grian takes a slow, controlled breath, Some of the tension in his body ease a bit more. “Thank you, Scar. This is… helping.” Scar smiles at Grian’s thanks.
“Of course. Just let me know if you need anything. Take more breaths. They help,” Scar says. He pauses for a moment, then he whispers quietly, “I’m really proud of you. I know that doesn’t mean much, but I am. I really am.” Grian has to use all his willpower not to completely fall apart at those words. “Something you can taste,” Scar says, looking very focused. Grian closes his eyes, focusing. He takes a long breath in, then out. Slowly the tension is leaving, like steam drifting away. His heart rate begins to slow, as a calmness begins to take over. Grian thinks for a moment, letting his sense of calm carry him. He takes a slow, deep breath, feeling the air coming into his lungs, then slowly going back out. He takes another breath, focusing all his attention on breathing in, exhaling, breathing in, then exhaling. He could probably drift off, lost in the relaxation of his breathing. His mind feels clear. Sand. Grian can taste sand. He doesn't know how the taste is still in his mouth after several days at home, but the familiar taste is still there.
Grian opens his eyes, looking up at Scar. He feels the panic and the anxiety fade away almost completely, a wave of peace washing over him. His heart felt at its normal pace, and his mind felt clear. He felt normal. Well, not normal. Grian has never felt normal but it’s closer than he’s felt since he and the others met in that circle.
“I… I taste sand.” Grian says quietly. “Thank you, Scar. I feel…” He pauses. “Better.” Scar squeezes his hand again, keeping that soft smile on his face that always made Grian melt. He wishes he didn’t need to appear weak like this to Scar, but he couldn’t help it.
“No, no, Grian. Breath, remember?” And Grian does remember. He takes several deep breaths, closing his eyes. He’s okay. Scar’s his friends, even here. Even after everything. He’s okay. He can breathe. And Grian’s breathing finally does calm back down to normal levels. He wants to reach out and hug Scar but he can’t ruin this any more than he already has. He’s already had a panic attack, he doesn’t need to appear even weaker now. Slowly, Grian opens his eyes again. He can see Scar’s smile and his kind eyes, and he feels like everything, after his panic attack, is going to be alright.
“Thank you, Scar,” Grian repeats and feels himself wanting to reach out and touch Scar again. Scar’s touch felt like a safe, comforting embrace. It was the first time in a while he’d felt like this, and he just wanted to lean against Scar’s shoulder and feel safe and sheltered.
He wants to go back a few days, back when they’d snuggle for warmth during the cold desert nights. Back when they’d speak softly to each other while they both unsuccessfully tried to sleep. Grian misses it so much. He just wants to get back into Scar’s arms. He wishes so badly it could. But he knows it can’t. Not after all that. Grian isn’t sure what Scar wants. He might just want to forget everything. Especially after everything Grian did. Grian can’t blame him. Grian squeezes Scar’s hand tightly again. And yet Grian would never ask what Scar wants. He is a runner. A runner to the very end. It’s what makes him him. Scar ran only when he knew he needed to. Grian ran because it seemed like it was the only thing he knew how to do. And maybe it was.
As Grian felt a wave of guilt crashes down on him, he looks at Scar. He still couldn’t believe Scar had betrayed him. The way the three of them had fought, the way they’d killed him- it was all still fresh in his memory, he could still hear the sounds of their swords clashing, could almost feel the cold steel of Scar’s blade as it tried to pierce through his chest. Still felt the crossbow bolt from Bdubs in his chest. Almost as if having read Grian’s mind Scar closes the distance between them, and wraps his arms around Grian. He feels the tears start to well up in his eyes. Scar squeezes back. He doesn’t let go of Grian. Scar just holds him, like he was trying to say something. But he doesn’t. He only holds Grian and lets him lean against him. There is silence, and for a moment, it felt like everything in the world is at peace. Then Scar speaks.
“Hey,” Scar said, looking into Grian’s eyes, only pulling back slightly. “I’m sorry. I…” Scar’s voice wavers, and he swallows, trying to keep his voice from breaking. Now it’s Grian turn to push everything away. He can’t do this again. He needs to forget this. Who cares about a stupid betrayal? It doesn’t matter. Grian doesn’t care. He gently pushes Scar back. Scar frowned slightly as he watches Grian push him away, but he does take a small step back.
“Grian?” Scar asks, trying to keep his voice as calm and measured as possible. Still, Grian could hear the strain in his voice. Scar holds his hands up to about shoulder level, his palms turned toward Grian, like the universal gesture of surrender. “I…” Scar pauses. He’s silent, trying to figure out something to say. He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry about everything,” Scar whispers. And Grian doesn’t understand. The betrayal had hurt. Grian hasn’t been that angry in years. But Scar should not be the one apologising. Never. Grian watches Scar, silent for a moment. He wants to say something, but words fail him. Words always seem to fail him with Scar. After a moment of silence, he looks down at the floor, not meeting Scar’s eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he says. The words are quiet, low, and hoarse. Scar watches Grian. He stares at him a moment, before finally stepping closer to him again. He reaches out one hand and places a gentle hand on Grian’s cheek. Scar caresses Grian’s face lightly, not lifting it until he’s sure Grian is looking back at him. Scar’s eyes bore into Grian’s own, and Grian can feel the tears welling up in his eyes again.
“You have nothing to apologise about, darling,” Scar breaths out quietly. “It had to be one of us.”
“I… no… I…” Grian says, his voice shaking as he speaks. He wants to say more, but his mind is all muddled. His heart beat in his chest. “I… I…” Grian repeats, his voice shaky. Scar looks at him with a puzzled expression, like he’s trying to piece something together.
“What happened after?” He asks quietly. Grian hesitates. He doesn’t want to talk about it. It feels like he’s tearing the scab off an old wound and he doesn’t want the wound to open again. He thinks about it, for what felt like an eternity. Finally, he speaks.
“Do you really want to know?” He asks, almost whispering. “Scar, I…” He went silent, trying to find the words. He let the silence continue, and Scar must feel the pain radiating from Grian. A deep, stabbing pain. A pain that seemed to reach Scar’s heart. But Grian doesn’t seem to need to finish the sentence as Scar’s eyes widen.
“You didn’t. Please tell me you didn’t. Not after all that,” Scar pleads. His voice sounds hollow and broken.
“It was a few minutes after I’d killed you. I was sitting on the edge of the mountain, and… I couldn’t do it, Scar. I couldn’t just…,” Grian shakes his head. “I couldn’t just sit there after that. Your body behind me by the cactus arena.” Scar paused, for the longest moment in the history of the world it seemed.
“You killed yourself because of me?” Scar asks softly, not wanting to hear the answer, but knowing that he had to hear it anyways. “It’s my fault you died?” Grian immediately stands up, almost feeling dizzy for a second.
“What? Of course not! It was my fault! I killed you, Scar! What do you mean? We had to end the game and-“ Grian stops, doing his best to stop the tears threatening to fall. The two were now facing each other, and Grian can see the hurt in Scar’s eyes. Scar slowly reaches out and grabbed Grian.
“Come here,” Scar says, pulling Grian towards him. Scar wraps his arms around Grian, and pulls him in close. “I’m so sorry, Grian,” Scar said, softly. “I’m so sorry.” Grian just stares at Scar from the corner of his eye. As the tears started welling up in his eyes, he slowly returned the hug. He pushes himself into Scar, and Scar suddenly realised he was crying too.
“Why are you apologising? It was my fault,” Grian says in a hoarse voice.
“You killed me and then you died,” Scar said softly, his voice almost a whisper. He looked like he was in total shock from Grian’s revelation. “And that’s all my fault.” Grian is ready to protest again but Scar interrupts before he can, holding him tighter.
“I mean that…” Scar paused, wanting to say something he wasn’t sure he could say. How did one properly express the thought behind an idea that was impossible to comprehend with words? Was there even a specific word for it? He was almost lost. “I shouldn’t have,” Scar started as he tried to clear his throat, to get the knot out even if it didn’t really move, “I shouldn’t have forced you to do it.”
Grian wants to ask Scar what all that was about, but something in Scar’s voice, as he’s talking to him, stops him. He just listens and stays silent. His whole body felt weak from the emotions of talking about what happened, and he suddenly feels exhausted. He closes his eyes, and he lets his head rest against Scar’s shoulder. Just wants to lie down and be held, for a few minutes, without thinking about anything. He just wants to forget. But that won’t happen, and Grian forces himself to speak.
“You didn’t force me into anything, Scar. I don’t know what you mean, what you’re trying to say,” Grian responds quietly, pushing away from the hug so they’re standing at a small distance. And Scar takes a deep breath.
“I wanted you to be angry at me. I thought that would make it easier. I knew I wouldn’t be able to kill you. I knew I wouldn’t have been able to live with the guilt. So I put it on you instead,” Scar explains, looking down. And suddenly a lot of things make sense. The way Scar had stumbled into the cacti during the fight, the way he was almost comically missing. He wanted Grian to kill him so he didn’t need to kill Grian. The way he had betrayed Grian was to make him angry, to destroy whatever sense of loyalty Grian held. Why he immediately gave up and offered Grian the win? This entire time. Scar finally looked at Grian. His mouth started to open slightly, but no words would come out.
“That’s it?” Grian asked. “You were just trying to get me mad at you?” He paused, and when he spoke again he sounded a little angrier. “That’s your brilliant plan? You thought that… that if you acted like a jerk I’d just… I’d just be ok with killing you?” Even if Scar had put up a fight at the end, Grian knows he’d feel guilty. Maybe slightly less so but after their nights in the desert it would be impossible not to.
“I… I…” Scar started, but again, there were no words. There were none to explain the overwhelming surge of emotion flowing from his chest to his throat. “I’m so sorry,” he finally whispers, trying to reach for and take Grian’s hand. Grian is still in shock. He doesn’t know what to say. What to think. He’s happy Scar hadn’t wanted to kill him, of course, he was. But putting it all on him. Forcing Grian to live with that guilt in his stead. Scar went silent again, and there were no more excuses. There was only the truth, and the truth lay between them, a thousand miles wide in the space of this small clearing. It sat uncomfortably in his chest, weighing on him, and for a second he looks away from Grian, unable to continue looking into his eyes. For a second, Grian doesn’t think he could speak, that maybe this would be it. They’d never talk to each other again. Then Scar reached up to take Grian’s hand. And Grian allowed it, squeezing Scar’s hand tightly.
Scar opens his mouth, his breath catching again. He looks down at Grian, trying to hold his gaze for longer than a second. He looks like he wants to say something- something big and important that would make everything right. But it was as if his throat was too tight to let any words pass. So he just continues to hold Grian’s hand, squeezing back, his grip as tight as he can make it. Then he does speak.
“I’m so sorry. I never… I never wanted that for you. I didn’t think. I thought-. I don’t know. You’re the strongest person I know, Grian. We’ve done this so many times. I thought you’d be okay. I knew I could forgive you for killing me. There was never any doubt about that. But I couldn’t forgive myself for killing you,” Scar says. Grian just looks at Scar, his heart racing. At that moment, the world seemed to be in slow motion for him. He can feel the blood pumping in his heart and hear the soft rustling of leaves in the trees. It feels like the air is thick, and he’s barely able to breathe. He just listens to Scar, not saying a word. Grian doesn’t know what to say to that. What is there to say? Grian is angry, he’s hurt, and he’s touched. Grian just doesn’t know what to do. But he does know one thing. Grian closes his eyes tight and tries not to think. His brain is racing, and he feels like if he lets himself think for too long he will cry. He just feels like everything is too much. So Grian takes a step forward and pulls Scar into a tight embrace.
They were both terrible, weren’t they? Grian wishes he could be angrier. But not after that because Grian understands. If Grian had had any foresight he would have jumped off the mountain before to get low so Scar would win. He supposes that makes him just as bad. Scar lets himself be pulled close, and wraps his arms around Grian. They stay like that for a long moment, just holding each other, listening to each other’s soft breaths. It feels like the world is spinning around them, like this moment of serenity is their own tiny world. Grian and Scar both wish it could last forever. And maybe it could.
“I forgive you,” Grian whispers. And it’s the truth. Somehow it is. Scar lets Grian go, taking a step back. They look at each other for a long moment, their eyes meeting.
“I forgive you too,” Scar says. “I just wish I could have thought of something else, you know? That maybe… I could have done something different.” Grian forces himself to smile. Scar looks deep into Grian’s eyes. He looks like he’s weighing something in his mind. His mouth starts to move, but no words come out. His eyes shift away and he closes them tightly. His hands clenched as he tries to collect his thought. He opens his eyes and looks at Grian again. He lets out a long, slow breath.
“What if… what if this is a new chance?” He asks, softly. Grian’s smile turns more genuine at the words. “Would you let me try again?” Scar asks. He takes a step towards Grian as he asks the question. “Would you let me try again?” He repeats. He’s silent for a moment, waiting for an answer. His green eyes met Grian’s. There’s almost desperation in his eyes. “Please?”
“I would love nothing more. My only condition? Would you let me try again too?” Grian echos. Scar takes a step closer to Grian. He puts his hands gently on each side of Grian’s face.
“Yes, Grian. I will let you try again. I’ll never hold you back, ever again.” A smile broke across Scar’s face, as his eyes lock with Grian’s eyes. “So, let’s do this. Let’s try again together.” Scar takes a step closer. His hands are still on Grian’s face, as he looks deeply into his eyes.
“Together,” Scar whispers. “No more secrets,” Scar says, “No more holding back. No more running.” He takes a deep breath. “Yes. Let’s try again, together.”
“I would love nothing more,” Grian breaths out. They stare into each other's eyes for a long time, and then Scar gives a small smile. He reaches out and gently kisses Grian's cheek. Then, he leans in and whispers,
"I love you.” And Grian smiles, leaning forward.
"What a coincidence" Grian whispers close to Scar's ear. Scar laughs softly.
“Right?” he whispers, looking into Grian’s eyes again. For a moment, he just breathes, then Grian speaks.
“I love you too,” he says, after a moment, feeling the need to say it as well, even if to him it went unsaid. Then, after a short pause, Scar speaks,
“Together?”
“Always.” Scar looks into Grian's eyes for some time, then closes his eyes and leans forward. Grian closes his eyes as well, and he feels Scar's lips meeting his. He puts his hands on Scar’s waist, pulling him closer, and their lips keep meeting as they hold each other close. They stop, after a few moments of kissing. They open their eyes, and Grian looks into Scar's, smiling softly. He reaches up and touches Scar's face. Then, Scar leans close again, and gives Grian a small kiss on the tip of his nose, earning a small laugh.
“Looks at us,” Scar says, grinning.
“Yeah,” Grian responds softly. Then, kisses Scar on the cheek. Scar chuckles.
“We’re a couple of dorks.”
"I think we're adorable," Grian answers, grinning as well. He then wraps his arms around Scar's shoulders, pulling him close. "So... what's next?” Scar smiles softly, and wraps his arms around Grian in response. He takes a deep breath, and lets it out slowly, thinking about the possibilities. Finally, he says,
"Let's just enjoy the moment. You and me, right here. Right now. We can figure out the rest later, right?" Grian smiles and nods in return.
“I’ve never heard a better idea from you,” Grian says.
"Neither have I," Scar says with a laugh. He gives Grian another kiss on the cheek, before leaning back. He takes a moment, to just look at Grian. "I love you," he says eventually. "I love you so much.”
“Good thing I love you even more,” Grian says, grinning widely, making Scar laugh.
“Impossible,” he responds. “I love you more than everything else in the world.” Scar takes a moment, to just bask in being with Grian, before adding, “But I guess we can settle for just loving each other an equal amount.” Scar’s smile warms a little as he says that, and he reaches up and holds Grian’s hand. Scar smiles, and squeezes his hand.
"I think I can accept those conditions.”
"Good," he says with a smile. "Now, let's just sit here for a minute, and take it in. Everything. Us, together." Scar looks around him, taking in his surroundings. "It's not so bad," Scar says, and smiles at Grian. He takes a moment to just breathe. "Not so bad at all."
Maybe things won’t be back to normal. It’ll probably take time for them to get used to this new normal. But Grian thinks he’s willing to wait. He’s willing to do a lot for Scar. Scar breathes out a sigh. Then, he leans his head back and puts an arm around Grian. He looks at the ceiling above them.
”We'll get through this together," Scar says eventually. "You and me. We can do anything. After all, we've already survived that horrible game" Scar smiles slightly as he says this, and looks at Grian. "We can survive this too. Together."
And Grian believes him.