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“Percy?”
Percy straightened his back in an instant, snapping out of his daze. He turned to look at Jason and forced a smile.
“Uh, what’s up?” he said, scratching the nape of his neck.
Jason stared at him in silence. Each passing second seemed to boil Percy’s skin. He couldn’t bare long, awkward silences, especially with him. He almost couldn’t believe where he was and who he was with. It started with a week of talking, calling, eating together, and now they were finally on their first date.
Percy’s stomach dropped. He thought that getting more comfortable around Jason for a week would help him feel at least a little better about going out on a date. But he couldn’t do anything but think, daydream. His poor little heart could barely even handle asking out Jason on a date.
Please don’t let me screw this up , he thought.
With Jason peering into his eyes, Percy was helpless. He wanted to look away but couldn’t escape his grasp. He inhaled softly through his nose.
Percy released the tension from his shoulders. “Are you okay?”
Jason shoved a blanket into his backpack before turning his head away, bumping his glasses up. “Yeah.”
Percy forced a smile that came off as awkward and hopeful rather than doting and affectionate. He was fine with being tense. As long as he could hold it, he could give Jason the best date ever. Maybe they’d laugh about it in the future, if there was even one.
Jason thanked him with a smile back.
Percy warmed up. He didn’t know why Jason made him feel all squishy inside. Just by looking at him, his heart got faster.
The cool shade of the trees loomed over them, nearly cancelling out the heat of the sun. Puffy clouds hung low in the sky. Jason slung his backpack over his shoulders.
“Shall we?”
Percy barely felt ready.
They strolled through the woods, a lingering silence in the air. It was deadly. Percy felt like he was inhaling the toxic air of Tartarus all over again. He could feel his instincts telling him that he should take the initiative, open his mouth, remark something funny or sarcastic. But he couldn’t. His brain was empty.
Birds chirped from the trees. A warm breeze wafted over Percy’s skin. He suddenly felt as if he wasn’t doing enough. Great, Percy, you’re on a date with the boy you love. So shouldn’t you show that you love him? Jason would die of boredom if he didn’t do something significant to note, like a moment that they recall in the future when they’re married. Percy shook his head. If you don’t say anything, you won’t be able to stay with him long enough to get married.
Thoughts shoved themselves into his head. Most of them were awful. But one thought had been persistently attacking him all week. Percy dreaded it, but he couldn’t help but consider it.
What would Jason want me to do?
He knew how stupid it sounded —not being enough for Jason. If Jason didn’t love him, then they wouldn’t have been dating. Still, it was impossible not to think about. It irked him so much to the point that he thought less about Jason and more about what he could’ve done to fit what he thought Jason would’ve wanted.
Gods, that’s a mouthful.
He wished he had the courage to ask Jason what he thought of him, but that would be like asking himself why he liked blue food. Because he just did . He didn’t need a reason to like someone or something, if he liked it, he liked it.
Jason lightly tapped Percy on the shoulder, startling him. Percy sucked in a deep breath and mustered up as much courage as he could.
“What is it?” he asked, his voice cracking. They faced each other as they walked.
Oh gods.
Jason glanced at Percy, staring at his collarbone to avoid eye-contact. “I just thought you looked mad.”
Percy realized his face was tensed up. He released the pressure from his muscles. Embarrassment washed over him. He was too shy to talk. But it wasn’t right if he didn’t let Jason know how he felt. He inhaled deeply.
“I’m not mad,” Percy explained, restless. Just be honest . “I—I don’t know. I’m worried. Like if I mess everything up. But I’m fine , you hear me?”
Jason broke into a soft smile. “You’re nervous?”
“Okay, well, something like that.”
Without warning, Jason interlocked his hand into Percy’s, wrapped fingers between the space of Percy’s fingers.
“We can start with something like this first.”
Butterflies swarmed Percy’s chest. Even a small gesture like this was enough to make him feel like he would combust from heat. “Yeah.”
He felt like a little kid sometimes. How was he supposed to have a nice first date with Jason if he was so shy? He needed to make the first move too.
I need the perfect moment.
After a while of walking, they reached the place where they would set up camp. A soft wind whistled past as Percy squinted at the instruction manual, pulling it close to his face. He skimmed through the text, but all he could see were blurred blotches of floating words.
“Hey, Jason, what—”
He glanced up from the manual to see that Jason was already half-way done with setting up the tent. Percy’s mouth was slightly agape. He forced down a lump in his throat.
Jason shrugged. “What?”
“I . . . um. Wow, uh, Jason, I didn’t think—”
He smiled, soft. “Yeah?”
Percy suddenly had the urge to get on one knee and propose. He scratched his head and watched Jason do the rest, embarrassment coursing through him.
Percy opened his mouth. “You need help?”
“I’ve got it.”
“Oh.”
Silence.
“I mean, do you want motivation, or something?”
Jason paused, turned to Percy, and beckoned him.
Percy felt his heart thumping loudly each step he took. Endless ideas and thoughts ran through his head. What? A hug? Something more?
“Promise me something.”
Percy blinked. “Huh?”
“Take my first kiss today.”
Percy’s mind went blank until he processed what Jason had said. He flushed, his skin burning, legs limp as jelly. His heart paced in his chest. He fumbled around with his fingers. The words sat on his tongue like sugar. He felt like he was short-circuiting.
He cocked his head, sheepish. “You want me to promise that?”
“Or else you won’t do it,” Jason said. He bumped up his glasses. “And I want you to do it.”
“But you can’t do it first?”
Jason flapped a hand up and down. “No, I think I’d die.”
Percy had trouble deciphering what connotations that sentence held.
He shrugged it off and went to think about the kiss. What time would be right . . .? At night? By the fire? On the lips?
He pursed his lips, his stomach squeezing up. He was about to say something before Jason took one glance at him and stood up.
“Oh, look, I’m already done.”
Ideas were already filling up his head, almost overfilling him. Instead of his mindless worrying, he was thinking of the best way to kiss Jason that wouldn’t end the world. (If a kiss could end the world anyway.)
Jason disrupted his train of thought. “Let’s go out for a walk. How about that?”
Percy flinched. He nodded relentlessly, desperate to act normal.
Don’t be weird, Percy.
The pair took a stroll forward into a path with trees looming over them from the side. The sun blanketed them in a ray of warmth. It was like a premonition. At least Percy liked to think of it that way. He was still nervous, but he had calmed down a little by then. That didn’t necessarily mean that he was perfectly fine. He felt like he was going to melt into Percy Soup if they soaked in silence any longer.
Percy had noticed that ever since he started dating Jason, sometimes they would have long, nice silences. They weren’t awkward or anything. It was refreshing, relaxing, maybe even a bit romantic. Still, he couldn’t help but think that each time they had a long silence, he could’ve taken the initiative to do something. He managed to disappoint himself every time when he never had the courage to say anything.
He was going to have to do something if he wanted their relationship to go further.
He cleared his throat, patted his chest, and breathed deeply. “Jason.”
Jason snapped his head towards Percy, sudden. “Ah. Yeah?”
“Did I . . . was I bothering you?” he asked.
“Not at all.”
“Oh, um, that’s good.”
Jason stared at him. “It’s fine. I like hearing you talk anyways. You have a nice voice.”
Percy’s face lit up. “Really?”
He smiled earnestly. “Yeah. Really, Percy.”
Percy shuffled his feet across the ground. Pebbles flung forward, his shoes imprinting the dirt path. Even if it was just a couple of words, hearing Jason praise him gave him the urge to squeeze him in for a hug. He wanted more affection, no matter how selfish he sounded.
He’d been secretly wanting Jason to pat his head at least once, but he didn’t have the decency to ask. He was still imagining himself as a little dog while Jason threw a bone for him to catch.
Jason stumbled over a large rock, knees slamming against the floor. He winced in pain, clutching his knees to his chest. Percy stopped in his tracks, dread running through him. He rushed over to Jason’s side, eyes heating up with water.
“Jason?” Percy said, desperate. He shook his body gently. “Jason?!”
He responded with a groan. “I’m fine.”
Jason tried to sit up, his breathing sharp and heavy. He squeaked in pain.
Percy lowered his gaze. “Jason, shouldn’t we go back?”
“I want to see the view from the ledge, though,” Jason begged, his eyes wide and hopeful. Percy couldn’t resist. He sighed and ran his fingers through his own hair, a drop of sweat running down his cheek.
“Fine. But make sure you’re leaning on me.”
Jason nodded. “Thanks.”
They exchanged a look. Percy got up and lent a hand to Jason. With a struggle, he managed to get up and wrapped his arm around his neck. Percy wondered how he was going to be able to walk regularly when Jason was this close to him.
Percy smushed his lips together, mumbling, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything.”
“I just—I mean, no. I wish I could’ve helped you. Or warned you at least. But I couldn’t even do that. This is our first date too, and I—”
Jason glanced at him before letting out a small laugh. “It’s not your fault. I just felt dizzy.”
Percy wanted to object, but he couldn’t. Jason’s words were so sweet that Percy couldn’t find himself making the taste leave his tongue. He hated indulging in it, believing it was true. He didn’t want to feel like he was doing enough if he wasn’t actually doing enough.
“But,” Jason said, quick, “thank you, Percy.”
No matter how much Percy wanted to be mad at himself, he gave up when he realized how hopeful Jason was about this trip. He wanted to stay optimistic too, for the sake of both of them. Especially the sake of a perfect first date.
It was decided. Passion lit up in Percy’s chest. He was going to enjoy today no matter how gnarly it got. Even if the world was on fire or the sun swallowed Earth, he wasn’t going to let it ruin anything . He swore it on his pride.
They walked in blissful silence until a cold gust of wind woke Percy up. He perked up.
His breath slipped away. Vast, remote mountains with round peaks sat in the distance. The rocks were jagged like big clumps of boulders fused together. Near the slopes hung misty clouds that covered the mountain like a veil. Percy had never felt so small before.
I haven’t seen every corner of the world yet, have I?
He turned to Jason, about to say something until he found his words had evaporated. Jason had sparkles in his awe-filled eyes. He’d been gripping the railing tightly as if he was worried he would fall. The mountains’ beauty had captured Jason’s gaze. Percy almost felt jealous. But there was something pretty in Jason’s eyes. The way the mountains reflected in his eyes, sparkles of light speckled in his eyes, his eyelashes as long as slopes.
Percy was staring at Jason way longer than the mountains. “You like this view?”
A small smile grew on Jason’s face. “A lot.”
Percy watched Jason unsuccessfully try to light a fire by rubbing two sticks together. He had his right cheek rested on his palm, back rested in a red camp chair. The sun was already setting, the sky a warm marmalade, pink clouds complementing the atmosphere.
“Are you tired of doing that yet?” Percy asked, gripping the lighter in his hand desperately.
Jason flashed a competitive yet stressed grimace. “Not at all.”
“Come on, Jason, you’ve been doing that for a while,” Percy protested. He waved the lighter around in the air. “Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t we just use the lighter?”
“Percy, the whole point of the outdoors and camping is that you get to experience nature. We don’t need that when we have this .”
Jason rubbed fiercer until a small fire lit up. He swiped away a drop of sweat, sighing away his stress.
“See?”
A gust of wind killed the fire.
He stared at the sticks before tossing them into the pile of sticks that was supposed to be their campfire. “I hate to say this, but I give up.”
Percy perked up. “You finally admit defeat.”
After igniting their campfire, Jason sat beside Percy in his own armchair. The fire was bright, heated, and Percy reminisced about his fight with Ares. A fire that wouldn’t die . . . until you splashed a cup of water at it.
Percy remembered the bonfire back at Camp Half-Blood. A bunch of campers would group around it, singing their happy tunes. The bonfire would grow larger the happier the campers were. If the campfire in front of Percy was like the bonfire back at camp, he was sure it would reach the moon and back.
The fire crackled. Percy noticed how deadly silent it was. “Hey, you know, I’m learning ukelele.”
Jason lit up. “You’ll play a song?”
“Yeah. Well, not really. I only remember a couple of chords.”
He grinned, leaning forward. “But you didn’t learn a song.”
Percy smirked back at him. “Not at all.”
He wasn’t ashamed. He figured that for their first date, he’d play a little bit of ukelele for Jason. That was part of the only reason why he bothered learning. Just for him. It would be a nice memory that they could both think about when they were married.
Marriage.
The word made Percy’s stomach clench up.
He grabbed his ukelele sitting by his chair that he had prepared earlier for that moment. He cleared his throat even though he wasn’t going to sing. Percy placed his fingers on the A chord, strummed, and satisfaction relieved his brain. He strummed a couple more chords that he remembered until he was stuck.
“Uh . . .”
Jason cocked his head. “Did you learn this just for this occasion?”
Bullseye. How did he even figure out?
He couldn’t lie. “Y-Yeah.”
“That’s cute,” Jason said. Percy’s heart melted. “Thanks.”
He smiled full of warmth, but Percy couldn’t bring himself to look without using the corner of his eyes. He focused on the fire.
“I’m still a beginner, so—”
Jason fell out of his seat and collapsed to the floor with a thud.
Percy wetted the towel with a water bottle and placed it on Jason’s forehead. He pushed his blond hair back, pulled his knees to his chest, and heaved a heavy sigh. Guilt filled him.
Melancholy wrapped around his heart, clutching it in its grasp, pulling and nagging until Percy had enough. He felt like a loser—especially one that couldn’t even help his boyfriend or know when he’s not okay. He’d even said he was dizzy.
Regret, shame, humiliation tired him. His eyes watered.
“Am I just doing something wrong?” he said to himself, his voice cracking. He took a glance at Jason. A piece of his heart broke. He shivered and figured resting wouldn’t hurt.
He leaned towards Jason’s face. His guts tightened. Faint butterflies hung in his chest. He liked Jason. But why did it hurt so much? Why did guilt fill him just by doing a small gesture like this? His mind wasn’t in a world that he understood or knew. He wanted to be able to love Jason without shame.
Percy whispered tenderly, “This doesn’t count, okay?”
He placed his palm on Jason’s lips and kissed it with his eyes closed. He rested his head on his chest, the sweet scent of citrus entering his nose. His face heated up. A single tear soaked into Jason’s white T-shirt. Percy couldn’t contain the overflowing love from his heart. He couldn’t put it into words, gestures, expressions. If he could, he would’ve put it all into Jason’s mind and understanding. Maybe he’d explode.
Please don’t explode.
He rolled over to his pillow, wrapped himself in his blanket, and shut his eyes, blocking out any light the world tried to attack him with.
Percy’s eyelids were heavy. He opened them regardless. Barely anything had changed since he went to bed. He guessed he hadn’t been sleeping long, probably only a couple of hours. His body told him to sleep, but his brain refused to. His mind was fuzzy. He had the sudden urge to know how Jason was doing.
He patted his area around with his hands until he felt something cold and metal. He switched it on.
“AH!”
Percy winced, his scream deafening his ears until he realized that he wasn’t the only one that had screamed. Sitting in front of him with puffy red eyes was Jason. The sudden flood of light must have shaken him.
“Are you trying to flashbang me?” Jason clutched his shirt, hyperventilating.
Percy scratched his neck. “Sorry. I didn’t know you were awake.”
“No, it’s fine. I didn’t want to be lonely anyways.”
He was lonely?
Percy softened his expression. “How long have you been up?”
Jason shrugged, nonchalant. “Not too long. I feel like I’m being cooked alive.”
Percy tried to fill his words with optimism. “But I’m here, right?”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
Percy’s body tingled with warmth. He scooted closer to Jason, switching off the flashlight. He wanted to attack him with a hug, a tight embrace, a kiss even.
He got on his knees and leaned into Jason’s hair, the familiar citrus scent filling him. “I like it. It smells nice.”
Jason paused for a moment. “Don’t be dumb, Percy. You might get sick.”
“That’s okay.”
I wonder how much I can love you before I burst.
Percy wrapped his arms around Jason’s head. He shoved his head into Jason’s hair, and a small static of joy lit up in him. Having the comfort of the boy he loved right next to him was enough for him.
“Percy.”
He hummed.
“I like you.”
Percy flushed. That’s not fair at all.
He dragged Jason to the ground with a bear hug. They laughed together. Joy filled Percy’s heart, a smile growing on his face. He could barely help it.
Percy leaned into Jason’s face. He lightly knocked foreheads with him.
“Jason,” Percy whispered, low, “have you kissed ever someone before?”
He paused. “No.”
The only noise Percy could hear was his breathing, along with Jason’s heavier breaths. He brushed aside a strand of his hair, bumping noses with him.
“I want to see your face,” he admitted. “Are you blushing right now?”
“Nope.”
“Really?”
Jason relented, laughing with a breath. “I can’t even lie. Just kiss me already.”
Percy smiled, fireworks cracking in his stomach. He pressed his lips onto Jason’s, a comforting warmth washing over him. He could only describe it as infatuation with the boy pressed under his body. His fingers held onto Jason’s. His skin was burning up, a bonfire lit up in him.
Percy had figured it out. He didn’t need to be anything but himself. All Jason would want from him was to be as real as he could be. Percy just had to keep being authentic, to Jason and himself. He didn’t need to be perfect. He was already perfect in Jason’s eyes.
Percy reached for his ukelele and strummed, coming up with a random song. They spent the rest of the evening talking until the sky was white, the sun a blinding spotlight. He would’ve given everything for that moment to last until the end of the world.