Chapter Text
Himeru really cannot believe this. He simply cannot fathom what he has done– what he has gotten himself into.
A date.
Himeru is going on a date.
Himeru is going on a date with none other than Tatsumi Kazehaya.
Tatsumi fucking Kazehaya.
Now don’t get Himeru wrong, Himeru is very much a homie-sexual. After countless nights staring up at the ceiling picturing Tatsumi in moments he’d rather not be, he has more or less decided that he’s comfortable with his sexuality. But what he isn’t comfortable with is going on a date with the subject of his homie-sexual thoughts.
But really, when has life ever gone out of its way to accommodate him? That much should be evident in the amount of “bee-bondin’” related fiascos he's been involved in.
“So,” Rinne was leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest and he was manspreading so much Himeru wondered how he hadn’t fallen over yet. Himeru has to restrain the urge to strangle him. “You and Tatsumi-chan, huh, Merumeru? I always knew ya had rizz in ya, but not that much.”
Himeru rolls his eyes in the mirror, but not enough to ruin the line of black he is carefully tracing over his eyelids. The eyeliner made his eyes pop, at least according to Nikki. Though maybe Nikki had just been hungry. “There is nothing official yet, though Himeru has plenty of rizz, he thanks you very much. But he would also like to remind you that you forced his hand.”
“ Hah ? Forced yer hand?” Rinne exclaims, tossing his hands onto his hips. Himeru already wants to die and he hadn’t even started his date. Though maybe if he died before he got there he’d wake up from this whole nightmare. “I think you mean I helped ya hand! Without me ya never would have landed yer bitch!”
“Himeru doesn’t remember ever expressing a desire for one.”
Rinne rolls his eyes and he doesn’t have to worry about ruining his eyeliner so it's a pretty epic eye roll if Himeru has ever seen one, which pisses him off slightly more than he already is, “There's no need to hide yer true colors, Mermeru, we all support ya, even if yer taste in men is terrible. There's no shame in bein’ a homie-sexual.” Rinne pauses. “Well. Ya just can’t go to Home Depot. I guess that's a shame. And it's a shame that ya have terrible taste in men, like Tatsumi-chan has the flattest ass ever, like compared to Nikki--”
Himeru sighs to himself loud enough to drown out Rinne because if he doesn’t, he might just throw a punch instead. But there really was no arguing with the Amagi anyways, especially when he had nobody but Himeru to pester. Nikki was at work still because it turns out there are cameras installed in Cafe Cinnamon so his boss found out he had left his shift to attend yet another bee bonding and to say he had been less than thrilled that chef-idol had run off on another shift after the zoo incident would have been an understatement. Himeru couldn’t help but feel a bit bad when Nikki had come sniffling back to the apartment, his eyes red and his arms wrapped around various grocery bags he had vaguely defined as comfort foods before collapsing onto the couch with what Himeru hopes wasn’t a zebra-thigh drumstick already in his mouth. And Kohaku was at Madara’s for the weekend because no matter how hard Rinne tried to keep him here, Madara had joint custody of the kid. He had come speeding up alongside the apartment a few hours ago on the sleek black motorcycle that always pissed Rinne off because parked beside the now-destroyed Toyota Corolla, Madara looked just that much better than the leader bee. Himeru was beginning to suspect Rinne was secretly insecure. But angst had no place in a crack fic so that sounds like a topic for a different story.
But anyways. That left Rinne completely and utterly alone with Himeru.
Lucky for Himeru, he has a different kind of hell he will be attending instead.
Himeru sets aside his eyeliner and zips his makeup bag closed probably more aggressively than it deserved, “Himeru really should be going now.”
Rinne sighs dramatically and he drapes himself over the back of the chair Himeru was sitting in, “Yer gonna leave me too?”
Himeru shoves the chair back with enough force to send Rinne tumbling to the ground, “Himeru is. Now if you would excuse him, he has a date to get to and he would sooner be dead than arrive late.”
“God.” Rinne groans as he rolls onto his back. He stares up at Himeru pathetically, as if Himeru could be swayed over by his half-assed puppy eyes– that is if puppies had the eyes of a twenty-one year old alcoholic. “Yer such a bitch, Merumeru. That cowboy is rubbin’ off on all my bees!”
Himeru lifts his chin slightly, “If he really was then Himeru suspects you wouldn’t be broke, Amagi. Now if you would excuse him, Himeru really must be going.”
The look Rinne gives Himeru is devastating. Maybe this was an angst fic afterall. He stares up at Himeru as if he had just deleted Risky Venus off the Crazy:B harddrive. Well Himeru did do that but that was a week ago and Rinne still hasn’t noticed. So Himeru steps over Rinne with a calculated balance on his heels and hops over him, snatching the keys out of the bowl on the counter with a final wave before slamming the door behind him. Really, Himeru deserved some kind of award at this point. MVP? Most Violent Person? Himeru was seriously considering doing a few things that could earn him such a title. But instead he walked briskly down the hall, checking his watch every few moments as if the seconds between the last time he checked would somehow change the situation he was about to get himself into.
Outside the dormitory was a COSPRO company van. Himeru had to reel in the grimace that threatened to wrack him. It was embarrassing enough that their one million yen Toyota Corolla had been busted up against the guardrail of the freeway on the national news but the fact that he had to drive Himeru on a date might be enough to do the idol in. Himeru gropes around in his pocket for a moment, finding his bottle of Avil. He shakes a few pills out, more or less the prescribed amount, and swallows them raw. He was going to need those if he was going to look him in the eye.
Speaking of him, Ibara Saegusa rolled down the window of the COSPRO company van with his eyebrows raised in what Himeru could only guess was slight annoyance. Himeru gives him a level look as he slips into shotgun beside him.
“Good afternoon, producer.” Himeru greets politely, half to mask his own discomfort and half to earn the vice president’s favor. Ibara had confiscated the keys to not only the now-destroyed Toyota Corolla but to all the company vans too. In fact, the only key Himeru had left was the one to the dormitory. And even that locked at midnight so if he neglected to get back in time, he’d be sleeping in the hallway. So that all meant Ibara Saegusa, producer of COSPRO, member of Eden-- the Big Three unit-- and vice president of the council was also the new Crazy:B chaperon when they wanted to get around town.
“Likewise, Himeru.” Ibara jabs the key into the ignition almost as aggressively as Himeru had zipped his makeup bag closed. He doesn’t even give Himeru his courtesy salute. “Now, this is an inconvenience for us both, is it not?”
Himeru stares ahead because he doesn’t trust himself to meet Ibara in the eye. The van swings around the corner and he is suddenly flashbacking to when Rinne would do the same with the Toyota Corolla.
To whatever god was listening to Himeru’s pleas, don’t have Ibara be as bad a driver as Rinne Amagi.
“Yes, Himeru must agree with you, vice president.”
“Hm.” Ibara muses as he merges onto the main road, “Then let's not make this chaperoning thing a habit, yes?”
Wonderful. Now Himeru was on house arrest, with no means to drive himself off a cliff if Rinne annoyed him too much. “Yes, producer.”
“Great. I salute~” Ibara’s free hand does just that-- he salutes as they veer down the fast lane of traffic. Himeru rubs his temples. Maybe he should have tried harder to feed Rinne to a lion.
A stretch of silence follows and Himeru begins to fidget. He bounces his foot against the other, tucked beneath the dashboard as he drums his finger over his lap. Ibara was definitely driving over the speed limit with how fast the world outside was flashing by, but it wasn’t fast enough because the quiet was getting rather awkward. But just when Himeru was about to start some senseless small talk about the economic state of America, Ibara reaches over to the radio knob. And not only does he reach over, but he meets Himeru dead in the eyes. Himeru stares at him in turn because in the animal kingdom, a direct stare is a challenge and Himeru was no loser, as Rinne had sang in the hit song Crazy Roulette, afterall. But as Ibara slowly turned the knob up, Himeru listened in horror as Risky Venus started to play.
“I hope you have a wonderful date, Himeru. I salute you and Kazehaya-san!” Ibara’s smile was wicked, a sneer as vile as the snake he was as Risky Venus blasted over the much-too-high-quality speakers of the van. Himeru had to blink, in shock or utter betrayal he did not know, breaking the staring contest.
“Himeru deleted that song.” Himeru grit out from between clenched teeth.
Ibara shot him a grin as he yanked the steering wheel right, swerving over a lane. Himeru was beginning to think he had finally found somebody that was a worse driver than Rinne. “Nothing is ever deleted, Himeru-san, your majesty!”
This was all turning out to be some oddly specific fever dream. Himeru had to pinch himself for good measure. But Risky Venus continued to play and Himeru was definitely still sitting beside the COSPRO producer, so unless Himeru had died and bypassed reincarnation and went straight to the bottom court of hell, he was very much awake.
—--------------------------------------
Ibara all but dumped Himeru out of the van when he parked in front of the restaurant. Himeru hardly had time to climb out when the COSPRO producer sped out of the lot full speed, tires skidding around the corners so fast dust billowed out behind them with Risky Venus still blasting out the windows full volume like a mother trying to embarrass their kid on the first day of school.
To think there is truly somebody that drives worse than Amagi. Himeru thinks to himself as he trudges towards the entrance. God truly must be punishing Himeru.
Half of the restaurant was outside, with chairs pressed up against round, wicker tables and waters scurried around taking orders. Himeru pulled up his face mask for good measure as he neared the woman standing at the doorway, menus in hand as she let various couples through. The last thing he wanted was to get recognized in public on a date with none other than Tatsumi fucking Kazehaya himself.
“Good afternoon!” The woman greets as Himeru approaches. “Will it just be you today?”
Himeru was suddenly glad for his voice training. He deepened his voice, though he did catch how she was already looking him up and down with her eyes slowly becoming wider and wider in recognition, “Ah, I have a… Somebody is meeting Him- ‘me’. He should be here soon. He’ll be under ‘my’ name.”
By now her eyes were as wide as moons and Himeru has to restrain the urge to rub his temples, “A–Alright! Just this way Mr. Himeru sir!”
Great. His full proof plan of going unrecognized was down the fucking drain. Though maybe a gay scandal would be the perfect thing to put Ibara back in his place.
The restaurant was nice inside, not too fancy but it wouldn’t look bad when it inevidently ended up on the news when the media found out Himeru was on a date with a fellow coworker. The waitress set him down at a booth towards the back, which Himeru didn’t want to think too deep into, and she scurried away after reassuring she would be back with a glass of water soon, and he watched her go as she went to go excitedly tell her coworkers who she was serving. He sighed to himself as they whispered behind the counter and stole glances at him. Well at least he’d be dragging down Tatsumi too. If he was going to go out via gay scandal he may as well take out Tatsumi while he was at it.
But as the minutes stretched on, a nagging worry bit at the back of his mind. Did his hair look alright? Himeru looked at himself in the clean reflection of the table. There wasn’t a strand out of place but he tucked a bit behind one ear anyways. But what about his clothes? He had opted for a black button up tucked into gray slacks, with shiny dress shoes beneath the cuff of his pants but was that too formal for a first date? What if Tatsumi was into more laid back guys? Would it look like he was trying too hard? And he had forgotten to grab a piece of gum. What if his breath smelled? Though it wasn’t like he was trying to kiss him or anything. What if–
Himeru had to cut himself off. It wasn’t like he actually wanted to go on a date with Tatsumi. It wasn’t like he spent an hour picking out his outfit the night before. Because while Himeru may be a homie-sexual, he definitely did not have a crush on Tatsumi. He also never thought homie-sexual thoughts about Tatsumi. It just never happened. It definitely never happens at night when he's feeling particularly lonely, listening to Rinne snoring like a jet engine, Nikki murmuring about food and staring at the empty space that was Kohaku’s bed because for some reason he was never home from the time spanning from midnight to three am. Himeru simply did not like Tatsumi in that way, in fact he despised the man with every fiber of his being.
“Ah, Himeru-san!”
Himeru glances up much too fast for it to look natural. Tatsumi strolled over with one hand still raised in a wave. There was a smile on his lips and he was wearing a cardigan over his neat-fitting tee shirt, half of it tucked into his jeans. He made no effort to disguise himself and it showed with all the flashing of cameras outside. Himeru hoped Ibara was seeing this on national television right now.
“You look like you just walked out of church.” Is what Himeru says first because it was true, he did, but also not at all to distract himself from staring at the fact that Tatsumi was definitely wearing lipgloss.
Tatsumi blushes softly as he sits down across from Himeru, crossing his hands over the menu, “A–Ah, well I did, actually… “
Of course he did. Of course he went to church before coming to date with Himeru of all people. Maybe Rinne was right, maybe Himeru really did have terrible taste in men.
The waitress saves Himeru from commenting as she hurries back over with a menu. She shoves them between the two idols with what was practically stars in her eyes.
“What can I get you guys started?” She asks, hardly containing her excitement. She was probably going to go home and write a whole fanfic about this ridiculous situation.
Tatsumi gives her a gentle smile, batting his eyelashes in a way that had Himeru’s heart doing all sorts of homie-sexual things, “I’ll have an iced tea, thank you.”
She scribbles down the order before turning to Himeru. Himeru couldn’t stop staring at the fact that a mole was half hidden beneath the collar of Tatsumi’s shirt. So he really did have them all over his body afterall…
“Sir?” The waitress blinks at Himeru.
Himeru shakes himself out of his homie-sexual thoughts, “Get Himeru the strongest drink you have to offer. Please. Thank you.”
He was going to need it if he was going to get through this date.
The waitress ran off again, leaving the two men together. Tatsumi squirmed in his seat and Himeru leaned back for lack of anything better to do. Tatsumi kept glancing at him like he wanted him to say something. Really, what did he want him to do? Kiss him on the hand and spin him around like this was some damn Hallmark movie? Absolutely not. Himeru didn’t even want to be here!
“This is really nice, Himeru-san.” Tatsumi says as he pushes a loose strand of his hair behind his ear. “Thank you for coming. I honestly didn’t think you would.”
“Neither did Himeru.” Himeru replied stiffly.
Tatsumi smiled and he propped an arm up on the table as he idly opened up the menu, one hand pressing into his palm, “Your makeup looks stunning. It really brings out your eyes.”
Maybe Nikki wasn’t just hungry when he had said the same. That or Tatsumi was prone to cannibalistic tendencies too.
“Mm.” Himeru glances Tatsumi over for something to compliment because thats what you do on dates, according to the wikihow he read before this. “Your– ah… Your outfit is… Himeru finds your outfit appealing.”
Wow, it really sounded like he was going to eat his clothes like it was a piece of damn cake or something.
Tatsumi laughs and Himeru’s soul just about leaves his body at the sound, “Really? Even if I look like I just went to church?”
“... Yes, Himeru would say so.”
“What are you going to order?”
Himeru flips through the menu. A camera clicks and flashes in the tinted window to their left. “Himeru will order whatever you do.” That was easier than ordering for himself when his brain was busy being a homie-sexual. “And he would be… happy to pay the bill as well.”
Tatsumi smiles again, wider this time, blinking at Himeru, “Are you sure? You know, Alkaloid is pulling their weight now so it isn’t like I’m in debt anymore, though I am immensely grateful if you chose to anyway.”
Himeru forces a twitching smile, picking at the edge of the menu, “He is quite sure.”
“You’re more of a gentleman than you let on.” Tatsumi says as he sets the menus aside. “Beneath your bad boy image, that is.” Then he laughs again. Was he just nervous too or did he really laugh this much? Himeru tried to keep a poker face but the more Tatsumi did that little laugh that he tried to cover with his hand, the brighter Himeru’s face became because he was a weak, homie-sexual man.
“Ah. Well, Himeru thanks you.” Himeru was more thanking the waitress that returned with their drinks. He downed a gulp of whatever was in his before he could regret coming. If he was going to be a homie-sexual then well, he may as well do it drunk. Afterall, alcohol went great with Advil.
So it didn’t take long for Himeru to begin smiling too. Maybe it was the fact that the waitress had returned with a refill but it could also be the fact that Tatsumi was now sitting beside him, stealing his fries when he thought Himeru wasn’t looking. Or maybe it was the giddy feeling that kept bubbling up in Himeru’s chest like his insides had suddenly become a Hallmark-grade snowglobe that was being shook around every time Tatsumi leaned in to whisper something against his ear to avoid it being picked up by the media’s listening microphones.
“This is really nice, Himeru-san.” Tatsumi toyed with the clasp on Himeru’s watch. His delicate fingertips brushed his wrist and Himeru giggled. He actually fucking giggled. He inched away from his touch, smiling, though a part of him didn’t really want to get away.
“Himeru is ticklish there.”
Tatsumi gave an innocently devilish smile, “Himeru-san is ticklish? I never would have guessed.” He reaches over to poke at his chest, then his stomach, then under his arms when he laughed in shock and couldn’t help but raise them. The Advil-Alcohol cocktail must be getting to him because Himeru was laughing and smiling like he didn’t hate Tatsumi Kazehaya, which was absolutely absurd because he really did hate him! Because whose fault was it that he was in this whole mess anyways? Who was the reason Himeru had to suffer on the daily with Rinne Amagi, embarrassment after embarrassment at various zoos, Targets, and even roadtrips went to shit with Crazy:B and whose fault was that? Well it was partly the idiocy of Rinne Amagi that Crazy:B ended up in so many crazy situations, but whose fault was it mainly? It was Tatsumi’s of course! Tatsumi, Tatsumi, Tatsumi Kazehaya, it was always Tatsumi Kazehaya’s fault!
But if it was all Tatsumi’s fault, why was Himeru kissing him back just now?
Tatsumi leaned over suddenly, gently grabbing at the stiff collar of Himeru’s button up before giving Himeru the smallest of smiles, a nervous kind of look as he pressed himself against Himeru. If the media was going crazy before, they were going absolutely insane right now, when Himeru gathered his fingers in Tatsumi’s hair and pulled him close as he kissed him back. There was so much flashing of cameras that Himeru could see them even through his closed eyelids.
Wow, Ibara was really going to kill him now. He may even strangle him with his own two hands. And if he didn’t, he would certainly fire him. Himeru could hear him now, shouting his name.
“ Himeru-han!”
He could almost picture the viper’s face, all twisted with rage as he sat at his computer watching this gay scandal go down on all channels of media. That was sure to wipe the salute right off his forehead.
“Himeru-han!”
Though… Since when did he call him Himeru-han?
Himeru is suddenly jerked back, out of Tatsumi’s grasp by the back of his collar and he topples over the back of the booth. A yelp escapes him as he hits the floor with a crash. Kohaku stares at him, red in the face with eyes almost as wide as the waitress’ had been.
“Oukawa?” Is all Himeru can say dumbly, again. There's a bit of Tatsumi’s lipgloss on his cheek, and on his neck. He could feel it and he just knew the cameras outside were picking it up even through the heavy tint of the windows.
“Himeru-han!” Kohaku says again, yelling over the sounds of… were those sirens in the distance? And was that a taser strapped to Kohaku’s chest? “W–We have a problem.”
But Himeru cranes his neck back towards the booth, distracted by his own homie-sexual tendencies.. God, he wanted to go back to kissing Tatsumi. But not because he liked him or anything, though of course. “Ah… Could it wait? Himeru is rather busy right now.”
Kohaku exclaims, yanking Himeru back down when he goes to stand, “No, Himeru-han you don’t understand! Rinne got arrested!”
And just like that, the world grinds to a terrible, screeching halt. All the Hallmark fuzziness he had been feeling is sucked away and the fact that there are hundreds of reporters outside finally gets to Himeru. Oh, and the fact that Kohaku just shouted in his face that Rinne Amagi got arrested finally sinks in, like a horrible, Rinne-shaped stone in the pit of his stomach.
Crazy:B leader Rinne Amagi arrested!
Now that would be a headline possibly more concerning than local super idol caught kissing coworker.
Himeru shakes himself out of his Hallmark fantasy because really, who needs love anyways? He scrambles to his feet, jerking finger towards the back door as the sirens wail louder in the distance and the cameras click and flash frantically behind the tinted windows he suddenly realizes aren’t really that tinted, “Himeru requests you follow him. You can explain on the way.”