Chapter Text
The world is so cruel but even so I still love you
No matter how much it will cost or what I sacrifice… I will still choose to protect you
Even if it's a mistake, I won't regret it. Even if it's wrong, I won't doubt it
I have always been motivated by the desire to protect my friends and loved ones, to protect my own freedom. When I learns of the Titans' existence and the danger they pose to humanity, I knows I must act. I wanted to join the Cadet Corps and fight with the desire to kill them all, but then I realized that our real threat was never is the titan
When I learned the truth about the world out there, I've always believed that the only way to truly protect my loved ones was to activate the power of Founding Titan and release the rumbling that would destroy all humanity outside the walls. Despite the devastation this would cause, I knew it was necessary if i wanted to protect those important to myself and win freedom
A person who once fought under the desire to kill all the titans to protect humanity is now taking the lives of countless people, how ironic I am
I once asked myself, "What is freedom after all", as a child I thought that was when I was no longer confined behind vast walls. It is to see the beautiful big world outside behind the wall, but then I realized, even if I escape from that small world, there has never been a thing called freedom out there. Humanity outside the wall has never "forgiven" the mistakes the Eldians have made in the past
The scorn, disgust and discrimination were like a slap in the face to me. Society has always existed in the so-called class, even in the small well behind that wall there is a division of classes and social classes, there is also contempt of the rich and the poor.
Although the outside world always thought that those who flowed with Eldia blood were disgusting demons...but in reality, they never ceased to desire to possess that great power. They despised the Eldians, gathering them in concentration camps large and small behind iron fences. Make them a lucrative contract, make them think that just by becoming the next titan's successor, dedicating themselves to the service of Marley's army, they will inevitably become the honorable Eldians, entitled to enjoy and be respected by other person
Create for them a beautiful future filled with that fake freedom, the "freedom" they thought they had worked so hard for. The freedom that sets them apart by the demons above the island Paradis, the freedom they had to slaughter their own ancestors just to get.
I had always thought simply that being imprisoned without freedom was scary, but then I realized that giving in to that lack of freedom was even more terrifying.
The people within the walls always thought they were the last lucky survivors who were protected behind the walls. Like little frogs who are at peace under the small sky of the well mouth, unaware of the dangers out there
“Ignorance is bliss”, if they don’t know about it, they won’t scare about it
People on the other side of the sea consider themselves lucky to not have to live with the demons on the island. Fortunately, they considered themselves honorable Eldians under the noble Marleys and distinct from those on the island. But no matter what they do, they can't wash away the fact that they carry the blood of Ymir, the blood of the devil, of those who can become titans. Or wash away the disdain of those out there towards the Eldians. As long as there is one Eldian in the world, that disdain will last forever and never end.
All of them are disgusting greedy people. They always show themselves as impostors who want peace and kill the Eldians, who they believe are the source of all evil thousands of years ago. But it is they who want to possess the power of Titan, use them to expand their territory and gain power from neighboring countries.
Mikasa, do you think I'm like them? A selfish person who only thinks about himself and is ready to slaughter humanity? I used to blame Reiner for being the one who destroyed the wall, but then I realized that I'm no different from him, I'm also a demon
and even much worse than him
The world beyond the wall is so different from my imagination, I loathe this world, afraid of those who call themselves "humans", a being whose intelligence is many orders of magnitude higher than that of other animals but act worse than animals
In the middle of that rotten world, I met you again, the girl I loved all my life. I wonder if it was luck that brought you to me, someone with a human skin but more rotten than a devil. A fake half-villain who saves a child who will soon die at my own hands
There are good people and bad people out there, but the people who really understand the wrong are counted on the palm of their hand. How many people will really listen or understand us? No one, they will believe what they wants to believe
I wondered, "Will these people still be able to smile, laugh, or drink when they know we're the Paradis demons they've always feared of...? Or maybe they will run off and point sharp spears at us with the face full of scorn”
Mikasa, you always say how grateful you are to me for saving your life that day, but maybe you never knew you were the one who saved me from that dark place. The times we're together are the few times when I feel the demon inside of me disappear... a peaceful and warm feeling although if it's just a brief moment in this cruel life
I used to think, the only thing I've always wanted to have is freedom, which I've always struggled to get at any cost, even if it means killing humanity
That's why when I felt the rumbling at the moment I touched the royal blood, I wanted it so much that I painstakingly devised a plan, all for a single purpose, I wanted to regain freedom. But I hesitate, I want to protect the people I love, protect you and our teammates...
That is always a cruel future that I can't change forever...no matter how hard I try
"Someone's got to stand up...someone's got to be a bad person. Isn't it always us Eldians who have to die?"
"The world outside the wall has never given us another solution. If the people out there don't lie down, the people who lie down will be the people I love, and I can't accept that reality.", the reality when I lost all my friends and the person I love with all my heart
But then I hesitated, hesitated but faltered before what I had always wanted for so long, I realized how greedy I was. I want to be with you, to be immersed in our love, to be with you and to hear you whisper in my ear how much you love me
I also want to hold you in my arms, put sweet kisses on your lips and then tell you how much I love you. We will have a small house but full of laughter together to spend the happiest peaceful days until old age... As happy as the old days
I want to protect the people I love...but I also want to protect the freedom I've always fought for
I thought I would never regret the choice I made, but when I looked into your sad eyes, my heart softened. I realized that I fell deeply in love with you, maybe that's when you said how grateful you were to be with me when we were holding hands on a meadow full of flowers. Or perhaps a lot earlier than that, it might have started when we were kids, carefree playing under the trees or maybe the first time I met you in a dilapidated house when you lost both of your parents...
I don't know, maybe I've always loved you for a long time... even before we have ever met
But then I still chose to push you out of the fight, hurt you with my own words to make you no longer attached to me. You will never know how hurt I am when I see the tears that are waiting to fall at the corners of your eyes...My mind almost going blank with the feeling that my heart is screaming and devoured into small pieces
At that time, I seemed to want to give up everything, ran to hug you and pat you in my lap and confess how much I love you. But then reason would not allow me to do so, I remained standing there, raising my voice to say the most cruel words to you
More than anyone else, I always know that you have a long life ahead of you with many ambitions...And even later when you grow up you will meet someone you love, someone you will trust your whole age with...You’ll love him the same way you used to love me and even have a small family. Time will heals all of the wounds, you will forget me and live your own life. A happy life that I always wanted you to have…it's just that there will be no shadow of me
I always tell you to forget about me and live a free life
But it's me who can't let go of you, the one who wants you to devote all your heart to loving me even when I'm no longer in the world. No matter how selfish I know that thought of myself, I should have wished for you to be happy, no longer running after me, the one who was only looking for freedom made you know so much hurt but... from the bottom of my heart, I know I can't let go of you
I caught myself staring blankly at us from the past, watching as I wrapped that wine-red scarf for you. I saw us again that day, saw myself smiling shyly with a red face when I looked at the girl I had just met
I seeing you smiling happily with tears in your eyes ever since. At that time, everything around me seemed to disappear, there was no hatred, no war, only you and me standing under the night sky looking at each other hesitantly. A strangely peaceful scene, when we return to our house, the house of you and me alone. It wasn't until the sound of Zeke's footsteps approached me that make I woke up from those thoughts and returned to reality, where a cruel reality that we lost each other
You have always been the person that I have always loved from my childhood days, the first and last person that I loved until my last breath...
Even if I beg you to forget me, no matter how far I push you...but my heart still aches, lying to myself to ask you to forget me
"Am I being too selfish...Mikasa?"
I wondered, "If that day really answered you differently, will the future really change? Would I selfishly run away with you and stays with you until my last breath?"
Is it too late when, after all the crimes I have committed, killing so many people from the elderly to even the innocent young children, I do not want to die. I still want to be with you, to be with everyone and live a happy life
I met you again in a virtual reality that I created myself, where we left everything that the camp hid together, and spent the last happy days of my life until I withered. In a place where it's just the two of us and no one else, it's a reality that you and I've always wanted... It's also the brief happiness that I missed and then vainly pursued into false freedom
After all that happened, I felt like it was all just a long dream. A dream that I thought that when I opened my eyes, you would always be standing there waiting for me with a smile on your face under the tree. Your hair is blowing in the cool breeze on the silver hill with trees and beautiful windmills, maybe you will never know how beautiful you was at that moment. On the way back home, you will ask me again about the dream I had and I will simply tell you that I don't remember it at all.
Those things seem to have happened just yesterday, the familiar scenes, the laughter, your voice still seem to have never disappeared from my mind. I wish I could see you again now, be hugged and comforted like a baby by you, and then hear your warm voice comforting me
It's as if a piece of my heart was ripped out, leaving behind an aching void that nothing can fill. The memories of our time together flood my mind, causing tears to stream down my face. The familiar sights and sounds of our home feel like a distant dream, so far removed from my current reality. I long to feel your arms around me once more, to feel the warmth and security that only you could provide. Your voice, so gentle and comforting, is a distant echo that I strain to hear
The pain of losing you is a weight that I carry with me every day haunting me when I close my eye. It's a constant ache that gnaws at my soul, a reminder of all that I've lost. I used to think, how great it would be if time could turn back and I could be with you again, basking in love and happiness we used to have. But alas, time marches on, and I am left to bear this burden alone. The memories of our life together are all I have left, and they are both a comfort and a torment. I miss you more than words could ever express, Mikasa
The weight of my mistakes weighs heavily on my soul, dragging me down into an abyss of despair. I am haunted by the memories of all that I've done wrong, and the pain that I've caused to humanity and to you, Mikasa. The regret that I feel is a bottomless pit that I cannot escape from.
“But if I could choose again, I would still choose to slaughter humanity. Only then can you be sure that for at least more than a hundred years no one will be able to touch our homeland. Only then will I be able to protect you…protect my own freedom.”
As I contemplate death, I wonder if it will bring me the absolution that I so desperately crave. Will it be enough to atone for my sins and mistakes, to make up for all the harm that I've caused? Or will it simply be a release from the burden that I carry, a way to escape the pain of my own existence?
The sky above me is a perfect shade of blue, a serene and peaceful canvas that is at odds with the turmoil within me. The fluttering of the pigeons' wings is a soothing sound that is strangely comforting, a reminder that even in the midst of chaos, there is still beauty to be found
“When I finally fulfilled my desire, I felt the freedom I had always sought. Vast oceans, icy continents, majestic mountains, endless flowing sky... which we only heard about after the book, now I can witness all that
A majestic beauty of freedom, I wish I could see it all with you and Armin, we've finally reached it, our true freedom."
When I close my eyes, I see the silhouette of you, Mikasa, of the girl I love. The image made I feel comfortable but also cruel, it was like a reminder of all that I had lost and all that he had destroyed with my own hands. I long to feel your arms again, to be held in your arms and to find solace in our love again. But those things were just a distant dream to me then, a dream that was slowly slipping out of my grasp as time passed
After all that… what I wanted at that time was just to come back to you, back to our house
"I’ll see you later, Eren/Mikasa"
See you in the afterlife where we can fall in love again
"I love you so much, Mikasa"