Chapter Text
Neymar: Yeah you said he was a Messi and the only reason he joined the club was to try and have sex with our dad.
Mbappé: ...
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Modrić: And you just killed Sergio
Sergio: Luka-
Modrić: I can't hear you Sergio, you're dead
Luka: He bled out in your lap how will you break the news to me?
Marcelo: We don't have to do this...
Modrić: Hey Marcelo. How are things going with Sergio? The love of my life. Wait. Why are you here at this late hour, and who's blood is that?
Marcelo: okay, I get it...
Modrić: It's Sergio's. Oh god, this is devastating I'm inconsolable and *snaps fingers* I've killed myself.
Marcelo: ...
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Gvardiol: Yeah the doctor said that all my bleeding is enteral. That where the blood's supposed to be.
Livi: ...Joško no-
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Messi: I wasn't injured alright... I was lightly stabbed.
Neymar: You were stabbed!?!
Messi: Lightly. I didn't want to worry you.
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Ronaldo: I came back wearing the perfect disguise to make sure I was never noticed by anyone. Something so drab, so uninspiring, so awful.
Harry: This feels like it's gonna be a dig on me-
Ronaldo: I wore Maguire's clothes.
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Neymar: And if I run and leap at Luis, he will most certainly catch me in his arms. Watch. Reeeee-
Luis: Wait no, I'm holding coffee!!
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Maguire: And if you ever need me I'll be 10 missed calls and 33 unread messages away.
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Rakitić:
The English language cannot fully capture the depth and complexity of my thoughts, so I’m incorporating emojis into my speech to better express myself. Winky face.
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Luis: I came out to attack people and I'm honestly having the time of my life right now.
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Modrić: We've never met Dejan's parents. But judging from Dejan I think it's safe to assume that- And this is nothing against Dejan.
Modrić: We. Love. Dejan.
Modrić: Monstrously stupid sewer people.
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Random guy: Hakimi cost PSG so much sh-
Mbappe: I don't care if Hakimi murdered his entire family.
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Livaković: Oh Joško you're crying... Ugh pat. pat.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Gvardiol: :(
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Kevin: I've only had Haaland for a day and a half but if anything happened to him I will kill everyone in this room and then myself.
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Rakitić: In my defence Dejan bet me 20 cents I couldn't drink all that shampoo
Modrić: That's not what- YOU DRANK SHAMPOO!?
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Gvardiol drunk: I'm not gay but, you're good looking bro
Livaković: You don't have to be gay to appreciate another man's beauty-
Gvardiol: Nah I'd fuck you bro
Livi: okay-
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*At the zoo*
Rodrygo: So what are they in for
Modrić: This isn't a prison
Rodrygo: so they can leave
Modrić: well no-
Vinícius: *pointing at a penguin* I bet that one killed someone.
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Pique: How dare you do exactly what I would do if I were you.
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Bellingham: yeah it's gonna be great. Quick he's gone! Erling punch me in the ribs as hard as you can.
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Dejan over the phone: Luka I need you to come pick me up right now.
Modrić: Why?
Dejan: Salah is passive-aggressively doing the dishes he asked me to do 6 hours ago.
Dejan: This house isn't safe anymore.
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Sergio: Time for plan G
Neymar: Don't you mean plan B
Sergio: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
Hakimi: What about plan D?
Sergio: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.
Neymar: What about plan E?
Sergio: I'm hoping not to use it, Leo dies in plan E.
Mbappé: I like plan E
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Rodrygo angrily: Are you
Viní: Fucking
Rodrygo: Kidding me
Viní: Fuck
Karim: What's happening?
Vini: Luka banned Rodrygo from swearing so I volunteered to help him out
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Pique: I'm wired to thrive on dysfunction
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Erling: Writing things down is nerdy what do you do?
Bellingham: Forget things like a cool person.
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Ronaldo: See that Messi it's a white flag and you might as well start waving it becau-
Messi: The only thing I'm gonna be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother!!!
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Hakimi: We all learn from our mistakes.
Mbappé: If that's true Neymar would've been a genius by now
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Modrić: You're right! It's ridiculous of me to try and protect my friends.
Modrić: Sergio come here. Take your bullet.
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Dejan at Joško: Just know, you have disappointed *gestures at him, Luka and Dalić* all three of us.
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Gvardiol: Come on you can do this
Livi: You only think that because you love me and love has made you stupid
Gvardiol: I disagree if anything love has made me smarter. Remember last week when I boiled that egg?
Livi: That was big. I was very proud of you.
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Klopp: You have all embarrassed the club.
Klopp: Now when people think of Liverpool they will think of-
Klopp: Oh Salah filling an iron with tequila.
Salah: So I can make tequila steam.
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Ramos: That's against the law
Modrić: I. Am. The. Law.
Ramos: What made you like this!?
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Ronaldo: Hello there I'm player always-amazing-player
Ronaldo gesturing to Maguire: And this is my ex-teammate player terrible player.
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Neymar: Is that vodka?
Messi: Yes
Neymar: Straight?
Messi: No, gay
Neymar: The vodka not you!
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Gavi: Do you think I can fit ten marshmallows in my mouth at the same time.
Lewandowski: You're a menace to society
Pedri: And a coward do twenty
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Joško: I'm currently running on one hour of sleep, five cups of coffee and a hug from Livi
Joško: I'm ready to fight god or become him!
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Marcelo: Do you have any kids?
Modrić: Biologically, legally or emotionally?
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Messi: I want to wake up with you everyday for the rest of
our lives
Modrić: I get up at four a.m.
Messi: I want to see you at some point everyday, for the rest of our lives
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Dejan: Hey can you keep a secret?
Mandžukić: Do you know anything about my life
Dejan: No, good point.
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Kevin: Can I be Frank with you guys?
Bellingham: Sure, but I don't see how changing your name is gonna do anything.
Halaand: Can I still be Erling?
Bellingham: Shhhhh let Frank speak.
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Dejan: Joško isn't answering his phone
Livi: Hey let me try
Dejan: Me, Perišić and Majer each tried like five times I don't think-
Joško over the phone: Yes?
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Modrić: I trust Toni
Karim: You think he knows what he's doing
Modrić: I wouldn't go that far-
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Karim: Do you ever wanna talk about your emotions Luka
Modrić:...
Toni: I do
Karim: I know Toni
Toni: I'm sad
Karim: I know Toni...
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Nunez: What do you think Dejan will do as a distraction?
Salah: Probably just scream or throw a rock at a window or-
*Sirens turn on and several cars catch on fire*
Salah: or he could do that
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Casemiro: Treat others the way you want to be treated
Maguire: Killed without hesitation
Casemiro: No-
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Mbappé: Hey guys what does a pregnancy test look like.
Giround: Thin piece of plastic with a thing on the end
Mbappé: Ok so this is definitely a gun.
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Ronaldo: It's in your blood
Marcelo: That's racist
Ronaldo: Your soul
Marcelo: That's racist
Ronaldo: Your eyes?
Marcelo: That's gay
Ronaldo: That's homophobic
Marcelo: That's black
Ronaldo: That's racist
Marcelo:...damn
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Pique: *Gets down on one knee*
Luis: Oh my god, it’s finally happening.
Pique: *Falls over*
Luis: The poison is kicking in.
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Neymar: If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever and you’re all invited
Luis: If?
Pique: Great, the only party I’ve ever been invited to and they might not even die.
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Dejan: You love me, right, Salah?
Salah: Normally, I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere and I don’t like it.
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Store Worker: Would a Mx. Modrić please come to the front desk?
Luka, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?
Store Worker: points to Sergio and Rakitić
Store Worker: I believe they belong to you?
Sergio and Rakitić, simultaneously: We got lost
Luka: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me-
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Mbappé: If you can’t beat them, dress better than them
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Messi: If there's going to be a big dramatic scene, wait until I get back.
Neymar: Of course. I can't flip this table by myself.
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