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As Sapnap heads back to his hotel room for the night, he catches Karl turning at the end of the hallway where their rooms were. He stands at the opposite end pondering. The thought of being alone with Karl was enough to make him clench his fist out of nervousness at this point in time, but he follows anyway because, well, there’s nothing weird about talking to your best friend.
There’s been a feeling picking at his heart and he doesn’t know when it started. He just knows that one night he looked at Karl and realized he felt warmer than he should. That same night, as he watched him open his pokemon cards, he put a hand over his chest as casually as he could as he sat, trying to confirm whether or not he was imagining the heartbeat in his ears.
He watches him talk with everyone else because he loves getting to witness Karl in motion. The way every word that is to be exaggerated, is exaggerated by him. Because Karl talks with his body as much as his mouth, and Sapnap watches. All the surprised or happy gestures and motions. The way he uses his hands and bounces his legs to stim when he’s excited and joking. The way he will fall to the floor or run away if he’s laughing too hard. Sapnap drinks it all in every time.
Karl when he’s hyper, Karl when he’s down, Karl when he’s sleepy and mumbling nonsense as Sap throws a blanket over him. He can’t get enough of it. And it’s just getting to him tonight, how he’s wanting so much more than he can have. He knows he likes Karl in a way he hasn’t allowed himself to fully fathom. At least not until a few months ago.
It was a gentle realization that was met with oh fuck. not him, anyone but him. And at the same time— of course, it’s him.
He doesn’t know how to suddenly say hey, I’ve been having feelings for you, and I only realized it a few months ago, by the way! but I’ve probably had feelings for you longer than I remember!
He turns the corner and there’s a half-open door at the end that leads to a balcony. The door is more glass than wood and he can see Karl’s messy outline through the thick patterns on the glass. The velvety carpet mutes his footsteps as he walks towards and in, he finds Karl resting his arms against the balcony railing with his airpods in. He stands and stares at the way Karl’s hair move against the wind. The wind isn't too strong, but it’s all he can hear aside from the low rumbling of vehicles from the highway in front of them.
He walks up to him quietly and throws an arm around his shoulders to startle Karl, which works successfully as Karl flinches against the surprise of his touch. But he softens upon seeing who it is.
“Okay, not funny, what if I dropped my airpods?” Karl takes a deep breath and holds his ears tightly.
Sapnap laughs in response. “Where have you been?” They both stare out into the night. The city lights glisten in the reflections of the buildings around them and it’s almost hypnotic. No moon in sight and too light polluted for stars, but the city in front of them glitters in a way that’s almost pretty enough to compensate. Almost.
“Just finished talking about some last-minute details with everyone,” Karl talks as he puts his airpods in their case. “Look at this fucking view, though.”
“Yeah,” Sapnap replies. He brings his arm down to loosely hold Karl by the waist loosely and as casually as he could, and Karl puts an arm over Sapnap’s shoulders. “Kinda wish we could see some stars or something,”
Karl hums in agreement. They just stare out at the highway in sight and don’t say anything for a while.
Karl is the first to break the comfortable silence.
“Excited?”
Sapnap ponders whether or not he can hold it together enough for the trip. Because at this point it’s stupid to hide it. They’re all adults, they should just talk about these things, but he's scared of the response he might get. He already assumes he’s alone in his feelings and that Karl doesn’t reciprocate. He’s scared Karl will pull away from him, depriving him of moments like this where they can casually hold each other, hug each other a little too long, randomly hold hands, and have it not be weird. Have it be something they do randomly out of just wholesome love.
He knows Karl would pull away if he didn’t feel the same way, would try his own way of trying to get Sapnap to stop seeing him in that light. The small twinges of pain he feels when he has to stop himself from holding Karl too much or too long, or when he has to stop himself from asking if he can fly to him every time either of them gets a little break in their schedules, it's worth it. It’s worth it when he can have it in the little form that he can get.
The worst case situation would be losing him as a friend which Sapnap is half sure wouldn’t happen, because their friendship has always just been deeper than that. Surely. He hopes at least.
“Yeah, I think it’ll be great,” Sap sighs, snaking his arms back into his pockets. Now too hyper-aware of his feelings.
✧
The plane ride down to Antarctica feels like the beginning of the end. They got a brief rundown on what to do upon landing and Sap can’t help but feel like he’s going to die. He had been blissfully ignorant about how hard this would be until right before the trip when the debrief happened. But it’s not the end of the world. Kind of. But his skin already feels too dry for him bare, despite the layers.
He feels a finger poke his arm from next to him. He looks to find Karl leaning back and looking out the window. All they can see are mountains covered in white.
“You think you’ll be okay?” Karl asks, clearly a bit worried but he’s laughing as he asks.
“Yeah, I think so,” He leans his head against the window and hopes so.
When they land and have to walk to their campsite they’re all bewildered by how strong the wind is. The number of layers they have on their bodies barely helps against the sudden drop in temperature. His muscles ache, and he can barely see a thing, just swirls of snow against his huge goggles.
Everyone’s trying to make it as fun as possible but there’s a dull ache spreading throughout the top of his head that’s hindering his ability to enjoy anything. Nevertheless, he tries to keep the conversation going because Dream is already too sick and he doesn’t want to add to anyone's worry.
Somewhere along the way, his trekking pole gets stuck in the thick snow. He applies a considerable amount of force, pushing and pulling but for some reason, it just doesn’t come off. He hears George laugh about it from somewhere behind him.
Sap takes a deep breath, trying to not let the frustration building in his face melt into tears, and pulls one last time with all his might. The pole pops out sooner than he expects it and is knocked back by the sudden freedom, his hood falls off and the thick beanie he’s wearing flies off behind him. Despite the headpiece he’s wearing the harsh wind attacks the newly exposed area of his head. He stumbles. The snow beats hard against his big ski goggles.
“Sapnap, your hat!” George laughs. “Wait, someone get it!”
For a few seconds, he can't feel anything as he falls back on his butt. All he can feel is the wind going through him. He takes one deep breath, exhales, and then another. Sound comes back as the sound of the wind against him comes back to him.
It’s Karl who sets off running before he can even comprehend what happened. He quickly covers his head with the hood of his coat as soon as he comes back to his senses and looks back to find Karl, who he sees jumping forward to grab the beanie. Everyone laughs about it but Sapnap can’t help but stare alarmingly.
“Dude, you good?” He screams against the wind.
“Got it!” He sees his arm raise from the ground, he gets up and starts walking back to Sapnap. It’s a simple gesture but his heart stretches with a warmth that tells him he could make it. As long as this guy is around, he can make it.
Dream extends a hand to Sapnap and he can’t help but feel a twinge of guilt, he knows Dream is really sick and needs to rest soon.
When Karl reaches him again his heart swells as he takes off his hood, knowing he’d put it on for him. And he does. Of course, he does.
“There,” he pats him. “Just a little more, don’t go passing out on me now.”
He hugs Sapnap playfully, and he hugs him back wishing the snow would shut up just for this one moment. He buries himself against Karl’s shoulder, who fully wraps around him and squeezes him.
I just need a few seconds of silence, just inside his hug, just a few seconds.
Sapnap pulls away from the hug and holds the sides of Karl’s face, or more accurately the sides of his hood, and touches their foreheads together.
“Did you hit yourself somewhere? Can you not jump like that here? That shits crazy, Karl,” Sapnap tries to articulate his worry by holding onto Karl’s coat.
Karl is star-struck for a second by the sudden intimacy. “I’m careful! Don't worry,” is all he can manage for now.
They hold hands for a while as they continue walking.
✧
It’s unbelievable how badly he wants to jump into the hole Karl is digging. There’s nothing else he can think about, he wants warmth. more specifically, the way he feels around Karl. All he can think is: Karl = warm.
The cold is taking over his brain, or at least that’s what he’s telling himself.
It's their last day in Antarctica and though his body has somewhat adjusted (to the best of its abilities) to the cold, it makes his bone ache so deeply sometimes. He’s sick of the orange tint that the tent colours everything around him and he’s sick of being so touch-starved. He’s on the floor wrapped in his sleeping bag, resting his face on his folded arms as he watches Karl who is 8 feet below him.
As Karl huffs and puffs while shovelling below, he has to take a moment to realize how the big coats and ear muffs somehow make Karl even lovelier to witness. He looks so huggable it makes Sap tighten his grip around his face. He observes the red around Karl’s nose and cheeks, and the realization of his stare stings his own face all the same. It’s a bit much for someone who is already losing his mind.
“You good? You’re just watching me over there,” Karl eventually looks up and asks, eyes squinting and half laughing as he puts the shovel down.
It’s breaking him a little, he realises, the way the cold seeps into his skin only to meet the fire slowly growing in his chest, that only gets stronger the longer he maintains eye contact.
“Something wrong?” His head tilts with the question, smiling, and Sapnap feels even weaker in the knees even though he’s 100% sure Karl is about to make fun of him.
He squeezes his eyes closed, lips pursed tightly in frustration. It hurts to furrow his eyebrows but he does it anyway.
“Cold.” He says, breathlessly. His head dips down and he stares at the floor of Karl’s creation.
“Drunk enough water?” Karl asks as he gets a bit closer, their foreheads could touch if Karl lifted himself a bit.
A little shrug is all Sap can manage in response.
“Come on, just a day left,” His voice was softer than Sap expected, some mischief still lingering in his whispers though. He’s taunting him, trying to get him riled up. “Come down.”
“Man, I’m tired.”
“Then we cuddle.”
Sap gets up on his elbows, resting his chin on his hands as he looks down at Karl. “Did you make it wider?”
“Duh, it can fit way more people now. Come down here I wanna make measurements and shit,” Karl spreads his arms out, demonstrating the length and letting his height demonstrate its depth.
Sapnap pouts, and for a moment or two Karl just stares at him. His ever-present smirk gets wider as he leans back against the wall while still maintaining eye contact, both of them drinking in the sight of the other as they both come to the realization that this is a sight they don’t see of each other often.
Sap doesn’t always get to be “taller” than Karl, there have been micro doses of this perspective before but he has never been given the time and space to fully grasp how Karl would look when he’s looking up at him. It’s almost dizzying how quickly his feelings spread through his chest at the sight. He unknowingly tightens his fists into a ball, as if to contain the feelings from making his hands move to grab Karl’s face.
“And I’ll help you keep warm, it’s a promise.”
Sapnap blinks. Flustered that he almost forgot what Karl said in the first place. He doesn’t say anything in response, but gets up and gets ready to make his little jump down into the hole. The cold attacked every spot that was warm against the sleeping bag he was on as he got up.
As he drops down Karl ghosts a hand near Sap, ready to catch him if he slips. He lands with a soft thud against the firm ground and looks at Karl, while indirectly looking at the hand that’s near his torso.
“Well. Hello,” Sap grunts.
Karl smiles in response. “Welcome,” He snakes his arm over Sap’s shoulders. “Over here we have a snowy wall, and over here-” He points below. “A snowy floor! It’s wide and perfect for at least a few people, and perfectly comfortable for two. Pretty nice, eh?”
He uses the arm that’s around Sap’s neck to pull him in for a hug, and through the multiple layers between their bodies, he finally feels a bit of the warmth he has been craving. He takes advantage of the layers between them by burying himself into Karl’s neck as he ever so softly hugs Karl back. It allows him to do it without feeling the skin of his neck, which is both what he wants and doesn’t want. It would overwhelm him if he could, he knows that.
Karl rests his cheek against his head and a familiar feeling returns to his chest.
“You think I should make it bigger so more people could fit though?”
“I like it the way it is,” Sap replies as he turns his head away from Karl’s neck and rests his cheek against his jacket, unwilling to say it should only be them in here. “Honestly, I just want you to stop digging and come back up. I’m tired. Jimmy is only just on his way back, and George is making sure Dream’s not dead. You’re digging a hole. The cold is worse when I have nothing to do.”
“Well, in my defence you were sleeping when I started.”
Sap groans in response.
“Seems to me you’re just cranky and in need of attention,” Karl is teasing, he knows that. But Sap can’t help but be a little fed up, a little frustrated at the fact that Karl is absolutely right. He feels overwhelmed as fuck, he wants to just go back home. To his house with the shitty internet. Or anywhere he can be next to Karl and not have to worry about the cold or the layers between them.
Karl pulls away from the hug and rubs his forehead against Sap’s, and in those few seconds their noses touch a few times and it takes everything in Sap to not show the mini shock he feels on his face, if it weren’t the cold already making him a little red Karl would definitely tease him about it.
Karl did it because he loves seeing him get all shy. He misses it.
“Can I drag the blankets down?” Sapnap asks quickly.
“You wanna sleep in here?” Confusion and laughter slip between Karl’s words and Sap almost can’t handle how much he loves how expressive Karl is in everything he says and does.
“No idiot, I just don’t want my butt on the snow.”
Karl giggles in response as he lodges his foot into the little hole in the wall he created for the convenience of a boost upwards, and Sap stares. He stares and realizes how much he misses Karl’s skin, they've all been covered in layers and layers of clothes with a big coat on top of it all. He should have hugged the fuck out of Karl that night on the hotel balcony.
How could I be so stupid? I should have realized. He immediately shakes his head, as if that would make the thoughts fall out.
Maybe it’s a curse at this point that Karl is very physically affectionate because he misses it so badly right now. His palms ache with the desire to hold him. Even though he had it just a few days prior, it doesn’t feel like he could have ever prepared to be so touch-deprived and how much the cold makes it worse. Every time he shivers it's a reminder that he’s not being held. Not by the one he wants, not by anyone.
They’ve been separated with states between them for most of their friendship and he’s surprised every time they see each other at the realization of how big Karl’s presence is. How much of Karl he misses when he has to go. Slinging an arm over his shoulder whenever he’s walking by, hugging him whenever he’s excited or the way he leans on you whenever you’re watching something together. It makes his heart flutter so softly every time.
He reminisces while remembering the way Karl feels when he pulls him close, the feeling of his arms around him, his warmth, Karl's weight against his own body, the contact usually only separated by one or two layers. The gentle curve of the skin that wraps him. He missed everything. So badly that he unknowingly reaches out towards Karl as he’s pulling in the blankets and he catches them instead of getting to touch him.
“There we go,” Karl drops back into place. “Now we can cuddle as much as you want, darling.”
Sap usually would flirt back because they always playfully flirt. No matter how fast his heart runs in response. He enjoys it despite the painful reminder that playful is all it could ever be. But today the weight of his head is threatening to topple him over and his heart isn’t helping. He flips the blankets and drops them down onto the floor. Right as he’s about to sit Karl takes his hand.
“Hey hey, seriously, you okay?”
All Sap can think about is how the gloves are so thick. Too thick. Sap doesn’t say anything for a few seconds and just stares at their hands.
“Antarctica sucks balls, man,”
Karl giggles softly and Sapnap thinks you’re almost making it worse.
“Okay, just sit.”
Karl leans his back against the wall behind him. Sapnap just sits somewhere close to the middle. He realizes how absurdly long the hole is.
“Honestly, how the fuck did you build this?”
The orangish-red glow from the tent falls softly over Sap’s features and Karl stares. Stares at the way Sap hugs his knees and can’t help but feel a hint of worry. Karl grabs the flask he kept next to him and hands it to Sap.
“I’ve had enough,” Sap places his palms down on the ground and leans back a little, stretching out his legs and keeps staring at the roof of their tent. “I’m just so stressed out, I wish I could handle this better.”
Karl stares at him for a while longer, a soft warmth spreading across his chest stemming from worry and just. So much care.
“We can relax now, it feels separate doesn't it? From everything outside,”
Sapnap hums in agreeance Karl realizes he wants to consume him, to wrap around him so he never feels cold again, but there is no easy way around this problem. He could throw Sanpap’s legs over his and hug him close to his chest. But that sounds… scarily intimate. Maybe a bit too much for two best friends? but Karl is someone who never saw a romantic partner as something too different from a platonic one, he blurs those lines for himself a lot when it comes to Sapnap. He wonders if it would be too much, he's scared of being too much for him.
“Hey, let me do something,” Karl says, trying to mask the nervousness he feels from what he’s about to do.
He drags himself towards Sap, who looks as delicate as ever. Karl slowly puts his feet down under Sap’s thighs and glides a bit closer towards him as their legs touch.
“This okay?” Karl asks as he reaches out.
Sapnap blinks, confused. “What are you… trying to do?”
“I want to get warm,” his voice is deeper, more hushed. “Let’s cuddle. Like I promised.”
It’s a shock to Sap, how his body reacts to this information. A sudden wave of emotions, the ghost of his body reaching out towards Karl, begging him to get closer. He’s sure right now that this makes it so clear how his heart and his mind differ, he knows in his head that this would only further intensify his longing but his heart thirsts for this intimacy. Sap stares a moment, trying to not show how badly he needed this. How badly he needed to feel Karl against him.
He didn't realize he was staring and unmoving for a few seconds too long. Karl starts to say never mind and retracts anxiously, but Sap reacts quickly and grabs his jacket square on his chest. Karl’s anxiety which was quick to start burning dies down slowly, being replaced by something more gentle.
So much for being laid-back about it, Sapnap scolds himself.
“No, it’s okay, come,” After a moment of stillness, Sapnap moves forward. Karl is shocked by the hand on his chest but moves in slowly and Sapnap slowly lets go of his jacket. Staring deep into Karl’s eyes until they’re too close for him to see anymore. Sapnap adjusts, his legs go over Karl’s thighs and loosely around his hips. They slowly and comfortably close the distance between them. Due to the height difference, all Sap can do is rest his cheek on Karl’s chest right where his collarbones are under all the layers, and his chest if he moved back a bit. But he falls right into place Karl locks him in by wrapping his arm loosely around his neck and gently strokes Sapnap’s back.
”There you go,” Karl whispers as he gets comfortable. They’re so close. With all the layers squished between them.
Sapnap sighs, and with the sigh, Karl can feel his body deflate. His back relaxes, getting more comfortable in Karl’s grip and wraps his arms around Karl’s waist. It’s so much. It’s so so much for both of them. But neither of them talk about it.
The sound of the wind against the tent is all they can hear aside from their own breathing. Karl notices the way it slowly syncs. It makes him hold Sap a little tighter. The sudden intimacy is foreign to Karl, and that's saying something. Because he’s always been affectionate, but it’s different with Sap. It’s always different with him. Intimacy is different.
Sapnap is the first to move after a good minute or two, taking him off of Karl’s chest to stretch and yawn. Karl can’t help but admire the little curls escaping Sap’s beanie and he has to hold back the urge to wrap them around his finger and play with them. Instead, he removes his glove and tucks a strand back into the beanie.
Sap lets out a soft laugh, now basking in the intimacy of their position, the closeness despite the layers. Finally letting his smile reach his eyes and it makes Karl’s feelings feel glittery in his chest.
Sapnap’s body felt lighter already and the clouds in his head have cleared up a lot, he realizes he should never underestimate the power of a hug when it comes from the right person. They’re so close he can barely see Karl anymore, just the soft curve of the spot Karl’s neck meets his shoulders. It makes Sapnap softly bite his lip thinking about how badly he wants to feel his skin against his.
“Karl,” Sap starts, unable to stop himself anymore.
“Mhmm?”
It takes a moment for Sap to swallow his anxiety away, making room to say:
“Open your jacket.”
Karl stares down at him, confused. Unlike Sap, Karl isn’t wearing a hoodie in addition to the layers. He has on a skin-tight thermal shirt, a regular thermal jacket, his black puffer jacket, and his big orange coat on top of it. He isn't wearing his big beanie or his headpiece in the tent, so it would leave his neck bare if he simply unzipped the layers.
Karl looks at him, a confused smirk forming on his face. Sap stares back, eyes full of so much want.
He maintains the stare as he does as he’s told, slowly unzipping all his jackets halfway. When he’s done Sapnap pulls down on the left side of Karl’s jacket, the harsh cold meets his bare skin and sends a shiver down his spine. Sapnap looks at Karl again and leans in a little. He raises his eyebrows ever so slightly, asking for permission, to which Karl just gives the slightest nod.
“It’s okay,” Sap says as he gets closer and tucks his face into the small opening he created with the jacket, facing away from Karl’s neck. “I’ll keep you warm.”
Karl can’t help but tense up. When has Sap ever made such a bold move on him first? It’s almost always been Karl initiating their little bits where they get a little physical and Sap usually just follows along. On the rare occasions when Sapnap does initiate, he rarely follows up by actually doing anything, so it’s a lot to take in when he feels Sapnap’s nose against the small bit of skin on his neck that’s exposed.
There was one time they hugged like this. A few months prior at twitch con but it only lasted a few seconds. His face was in the crook of his neck as he hugged. He remembers being interrupted by someone and they started pulling Sapnap away. At the moment it looked normal to anyone else, but Karl can’t deny he had to take a breath before following them along. It only lasted a few seconds then, but right now the seconds are stretching and weaving as he hugs him closer to him.
Sapnap rubs his cheek against his skin, feeling around in quiet desperation and marvelling at how there’s now there’s just one layer separating his and Karl’s skin. Karl feels the scruff of his beard against the skin near his shoulders, when he turns to face his neck, the contact of his facial hair against his neck startles him. The feeling of touch where he hasn’t been touched in a while, a long while. At least not so fondly.
Sapnap breathes heavily against his neck and it makes Karl’s own breath skip a beat. He absentmindedly leans into the contact. Karl’s breathing gets deeper and deeper while realizing he had missed feeling contact like this. He holds Sapnap tighter.
“I’ve missed this, Karl. I’ve missed feeling you." Sapnap moves away and places his forehead against Karl’s collarbones and adjusts his position. Leaving Karl with a whirlwind of emotions in his stomach.
He quietly zips the jackets back up for him one by one.
“Hope you’re not too cold,” He mutters quietly and rests his head against Karl’s collarbones again.
“Nick?” Karl doesn’t know why he calls out to him, but it felt like he needed to hear more.
Sapnap hums in reply as his heart swoons to the sound of his name. Karl makes his name sound foreign sometimes, almost unrecognizable in the way he puts so much love and care into pronouncing it.
“You’re all I’ve been thinking about. This entire trip,” Sapnap admits. The rasp in his voice betrayed him the same way the edges of his body do, he wishes so badly for there to be a softer way to express this feeling because there are no edges to it and there’s no roughness in it. It’s boundless, the way it seeps out of his heart and into his bloodstream, dictating all his gestures of affection and his silent plea for reciprocation.
“I want to just,” he sighs, in frustration. “I want to melt.”
Anxiety and vulnerability intertwine with the rush of adrenaline that takes over Sap as he says it and he recalls a conversation he and Karl had, a few months back. About love. A word he was scared to mutter, not because he was scared of it but scared of the possibility that he feels it for the man laying next to him. A friend of long years and a partner in all his shenanigans.
I don’t know what I would be like if I fell in love now , says Karl. In reply to Sap admitting to him, in a moment of brief drunken weakness, that he loves the way Karl is affectionate and that he doesn’t wanna think about how Karl is when he’s in love. Even though that was all he could think about that night.
He wished he could swallow those words back in as soon as he said them. It wasn't a topic he could think about without feeling his heart expand. Because sure he has feelings for him, dare he say he might even be falling in love, but he can’t fully comprehend how much harder he would fall for him if given permission. If he had the reciprocation, it would only open up more doors to love Karl. To get to know him in a way others don’t. To get to hold his hand and know even though Karl loves everyone he’s only in love with him.
Sapnap tried to ignore it. He really, really, did. But as much as it was exhilarating, his feelings for Karl were also so grounding. Something that would come to his worst nights with ways to make him smile. The feelings just continued to burn his insides in the most gentle way and Sapnap was happy to let it.
They sit in silence for a bit and Sapnap is sure he ruined something. Meanwhile, Karl has never wanted to kiss someone so badly. The shock of his confession made his chest tight and his hands tremble.
Karl ever so slowly brings a hand to Sapnap’s face, as if there’s not an enormous force of affection guiding him, begging to be able to just devour Sapnap right where he sits. He traces the edges of his beanie near his eyebrow, down to his cheek, and stops at where his ears are. Slowly wrapping his fingers around and resting his thumb against his cheekbone.
Sapnap breathes deeply as he looks right into Karl’s eyes. It’s almost as if everything outside their tent had stopped. The walls around them seem to slowly slip away and the only thing they can focus on is each other’s breathing, their faces, and their contact.
“You’re taking this flirting with friends thing a bit too far, maybe,” Sapnap says as gently as possible, closing his eyes and leaning into the palm that holds his face. Trying to forget his surroundings and only feel Karl against him.
“Who said this is supposed to be friendly?” Karl smiles, tilting his head just a little. Sapnap moves his head back a little and glances up at him, holding his stare for a few moments. “Also, who are you to talk, as if you didn’t just have your face in my neck,” Karl says with a smile, even though his heart was racing as he said it.
Sapnap huffs a small laugh and Karl feels a familiar pang in his chest. A desire for a little more, a little closer.
“As if it’s new,” Sapnap smiles.
Karl leans in, but Sapnap backs up. Karl immediately becomes anxious.
“Karl,” Sapnap leans away from his touch this time. “I can’t. I can’t do that right now.”
“Do what?” Karl’s voice forms the question so well.
“Just,” Sap pauses, thinking about how to not fuck up his phrasing. “I don’t know, like, I can’t just flirt and stuff like that right now. Go do it to George or something.” He pouts a bit. He physically cannot get himself to say kiss.
Karl smirks a little at the sudden remark about George and tucks in a few more strands of hair on the back of Sap’s neck.
“Are you…” Karl starts, and Sap immediately regrets his words. “Jealous?”
Sapnap looks up at him with fierce eyes, trying to keep his face neutral. But he knows that alone betrayed the fact he was trying to seem unbothered when he was. Because usually teasing about being jealous is met with another comeback, him rolling his eyes, anything but staring at Karl so intently like this.
A heavy silence sits around them. Sapnap wonders if it’s time to say it. He’s scared, he’s putting one of his most beloved friendships at risk. He can’t fathom what Karl would say.
What if I told you it’s not a bit for me anymore? That every time we flirt, on or off camera, I get nervous regardless? That I feel something in my chest that I haven’t felt in what feels like forever, something that hasn’t ever felt as meaningful as it has with you? Something that feels way more different than what I’ve known I could feel for a person?
Sap looks away. “I get that you flirt with me and everyone as a bit all the time. It’s fine, but I think I’m growing a bit… too comfortable with it. When you do it with me.” Sapnap glances at his lips, and back up to his eyes. “And a little disappointed, when it’s with anyone else.”
Sapnap’s hands have been resting loosely around Karl and he has to fidget with his fingers to hide how they tremble from his anxiety. It takes a second to fully hit Karl, and when it does, he furrows his eyebrows and moves back a bit to look at Sapnap properly, who immediately panics.
When he sees Karl’s confusion, it’s both funny and nerve-wracking. He shrugs, pursing his lips to mask his anxiety.
“Nick,” Karl starts, softer than Sapnap expected and his anxiety gets even worse.
“Okay. Look,” he interrupts and puts his hands up, becoming more expressive as he gets more anxious and moves back a little. “It’s fine, it’s not a big deal, I don’t want anything to, um, get in between us or whatever. I just think the cold made it very apparent… how much I miss you. Or like, how much I miss being touched.”
He’s panicking and he knows he’s being too loose with his words. Too casual but about something that has been weighing on his shoulders ever since he caught wind of it. But he also feels like this is too honest, he had been hiding these feelings for so long it’s terrifying to hear himself allow the words out of his head for once.
“Nick, let me talk.” Karl grabs both his hands with his.
Sapnap stops and nods, wanting to bury his face into Karl’s chest again. He doesn’t want to see his face anymore. Heart already sinking in fear of Karl’s reaction.
“Yeah, I flirt with a lot of people. I give some of them kisses too sure!” Karl raises his eyebrows playfully, a little proud of the fact. Sapnap purses his lips. “But, I haven’t tried to kiss you in forever. Not seriously. Not like I have with Austin or Noah or whoever else. Because when you would, like, look away I felt stupidly disappointed. And I never feel that way. I’m usually like okay they’re not a kiss-the-homies-for-fun type of guy. I’ll respect that. But I just…”
Karl starts to trace a finger along Sapnap’s spine and he responds by deepening his stare and tilting his head, the curiosity on his face is so fondly evident no matter how neutral he wants to seem. Karl almost forgets to continue.
“I started to realize I don’t wanna kiss you on camera or with others around. But whatever I shrugged it off, and I didn’t want to try it again. But on the rare occasions where we would have, like, a bit that leads to me trying to kiss you for whatever reason, for some reason you started leaning in too, and the first time that happened I swear to god my fucking heart was in my throat for the entire stream. And it’s just kinda been that way ever since, I kinda left my feelings in the back because I didn’t know what to do about it.”
Karl can see the dots connecting on his face. “Are you serious?” Sap asks, looking more confused than Karl expected.
This sort of honesty is just as new to Karl as it was to Sapnap.
Karl looks at him through furrowed eyebrows and a playful smile. “I thought… that was pretty obvious actually?”
“What?”
“Dude, you’re literally the only one I’m shy around.”
“What?”
“Yeah like, I don’t know, I just get all feeling-sy around you. You’re the only one I just get so, I don’t know. Nervous? Around. Like, we’re chill I’m very comfortable with you. But when we get close,” Karl runs a finger up the length of Sapnap’s back. “I just get so nervous.” He says as softly as he can, hoping to repay the same vulnerability Sapnap had shown him and hopes he feels comfortable enough to properly convey his feelings.
He knows that most of the time, all Sapnap needs is a little push. Some initiation, some reciprocation. He knows Sapnap chooses who to open up to wisely, he’s friendly with everyone but he shows his heart to very few. Karl had been trying to figure out if he can ever be that someone for him without even realizing it.
Karl shrugs, looking away from him because the sight of the pure wonder and confusion in his eyes was threatening to make his heart overflow with a certain emotion he’s been holding back.
“What?” Sapnap repeats.
Karl can’t help but chuckle in response. Sap’s eyebrows furrow and all Karl wants is to kiss the tension away. He giggles and pulls Sapnap in for another hug.
“Can you stop saying what to everything?” Sapnap can feel Karl’s smile against his scalp.
“I’m just so confused,” Sap says, pouting a little in genuine confusion.
It’s silent for a while, and Sapnap hugs him back. They relish in the feeling of their closeness, hugging and holding each other’s hand finally knowing what it means. At least somewhat.
For Karl, loving has always come easy. He loves his friends and family with a heart that’s always been too big for him. But his experiences with being in love haven’t worked out before, nothing has lasted, and a part of him was scared of taking that chance with Sap. At one point he thought he’d simply rather not know what it could bring. Because having Sap around was enough, he tried not to want more. He was scared of not getting it.
Karl sighs, pondering. “Do you know... how long it’s been for you?”
“Not really, I think, for a long time I’ve just…” He buries himself deeper into Karl’s jacket, hyperaware of the sudden vulnerability he feels. “I’ve just felt something more. I don’t know when it started. I don’t know how I got here.”
After a few seconds of silence, Sapnap continues. “So. What about you then? Do you… feel the same way towards me?”
Karl stares for a few moments. He can tell Sap is still trying to keep his composure.
“Did you not hear the entire paragraph I just said out loud?” Karl is laughing but stops when Sap remains the same.
“I want to hear you say it.”
Because he does. He wants to hear him say it’s only him he’ll ever kiss again. He needs to hear it as a matter of fact, no maybes.
“Nick,” Karl reaches out to him again and plants his thumb on his cheekbone and wraps the rest of his fingers around his neck. “I’ve had feelings for you from before I even knew.”
Sapnap’s heart starts beating so fast that the blood coursing through his veins feels rushed and new, filled with an emotion he can barely contain straight from his heart. It takes everything in him to not cry.
“Only kiss me from now on.”
Karl smirks at the reply. He starts to lean in to finally kiss him, feeling exhilarated that his first time kissing him is with a mutual understanding of how they feel. Sapnap grabs his jacket and cuts him off halfway to kiss him first. Karl is startled but all of it melts as he feels Sap’s lips against his. Everything melts as he feels Sap drag himself closer again. His hand rests briefly on Karl’s that’s holding him, but he quickly moves to grab Karl. Both hands were on either side of Karl’s head with love-hungry desperation, as if Karl would disappear if he doesn’t hold him like this.
They breathe each other in, kissing over and over, the soft intimacy of it burning their insides with a passion that was hidden for too long.
They stop to catch their breath. Foreheads together. Breathing together.
“My neck is so cold,” Karl says breathlessly. It’s almost an invitation.
“Get your damn headpiece, I don’t know why you’re not wearing it.”
“It’s too tight okay,” Karl says, looking around for where he dropped it. “It was annoying when I was digging.”
Karl finds it and removes everything on his head to put it on. He puts his beanie back on and Sap helps him put on the ear muffs.
“There,” Sapnap holds his face and gives one last kiss. “I’m sorry, I chose a horrible time to talk about this.”
Karl huffs a laugh, letting his head drop onto Sap’s shoulder. “When we get back.” He says, unable to finish his sentence before taking another breath. “I’ll kiss you so much you’ll get annoyed of me.”
This time Sapnap runs his hand along Karl’s back. “You can try. I’d love for you to keep trying.”
Karl laughs, hugging Sapnap in a way that they both fall over against the sleeping bags. They tangle their legs together and stay silent for a few minutes. Observing the sensations in their body, the rush of feelings in their veins, and the circumstances of their confession.
“We should just cuddle in the tent,” Sap says. “I miss my pillow.”
“I don’t wanna move.”
“Fair enough.”
They both smile but eventually untangle themselves and go back up. Sapnap is feeling better. They lay down and talk about the last few months, the longing, the moments of love they shared mutually without knowing, their entire friendship, and how it evolved to this.
“Enough being my best friend, upgrade to be my boyfriend. Now,” Sapnap says, jokingly.
“I’m happy with that,” Karl replies with a smile so lovely it feels magical in Sapnap’s chest.
“Good.”
The wind gets stronger, but they fall asleep just fine.