Chapter Text
at night we shall share honesty;
"Wanna go and get some ice cream?" Maya heard Farkle whispering over the crackling fire in front of their feet. She was tempted to turn her head and give him an answer, though she knew Farkle didn't mean her as she glanced at him.
"You really wanna go?" Riley asked in a tone Maya couldn't identify. She had heard it before, but it was too far away to remember now.
Farkle's arm brushed against Maya's as he turned to Riley on his left. Ironically, as they sat down on the tree trunk, Farkle chose to sit between Maya and Riley. Lucas sat next to Maya at the very end of the tree trunk, but he put some distance between them. Silently, he watched the flames as they rose higher and lower. Apparently, Lucas was not in the mood to talk to any of them. Zay had left, excusing himself to get more wood for their campfire though Maya suspected a different reason. After all, Zay had declined Lucas' offer to help twice before going back into the house. Lucas had given up rather quickly, and with an exaggerated sigh, he had fallen back onto the tree trunk.
"Yes, otherwise I wouldn't ask." Farkle's voice brought Maya out of her thoughts.
She sensed the anger radiating off of Lucas as they were forced to listen to Farkle's flirting. Maya wondered if Farkle did that on purpose, but she couldn't dwell on that thought for too long because Riley responded, "I don't know. I don't want to leave them alone."
"Okay, that's enough!" Lucas suddenly raised his voice, standing up. He stared down at his friends, who were all looking at him wide-eyed. The red and yellow glow from the fire only highlighted his anger, casting deep shadows upon his handsome features. "I can't take this anymore!"
"Lucas, what is going on?" It was Riley's voice, quiet and nervous. Lucas towered over them. His whole demeanor changed upon Riley's attempt at acting innocent.
"Are you fucking kidding me right now, Riley?" Lucas rarely cursed. The anger he usually managed to keep at bay started to break through the multiple barriers he had created and rose to the surface. "Don't sit there and act as if you don't know what is going on," he continued with pleading eyes. "You probably understand me the most, so please."
Riley got up from the tree trunk, fixing Lucas with a cold stare. Any trace of the usual kindness was gone. Since they had started their trip to Texas, everything had drastically changed. No one liked it, but they were past the point of simply changing it to how things were before.
"No, Lucas," Riley said, "I don't know what's wrong with you." The color drained from Lucas' face. The crackling of the flames seemed louder as silence fell upon the group of friends. Maya stared deeply into the fire while Farkle watched Lucas and Riley. She took a deep breath before saying, "You've been acting weird since we got here: demanding attention from Maya and me, only speaking up to share knowledge, and getting jealous over nothing. It's like you and Farkle exchanged personalities!" Riley had almost yelled the last part as frustration got the best of her. Farkle sat stunned next to Maya. She had no words waiting to be shared.
"Is that all you have to say?" Lucas almost sounded too afraid to ask. There was a slight shake in his voice, but he kept staring at Riley. Maya's eyes wandered over to him, observing his slumped posture and the way the last spark of hope for redemption died in his eyes.
"I don't know what you want me to say."
It wasn't exactly an answer, but there was honesty. Although that was just how it went when you argued with Riley Matthews - she wasn't sharing her thoughts. She was only trying to please. Riley was a people pleaser before anything else, and, with each passing day, Maya found it harder to have a serious conversation with her. Somewhere along the way, Riley had lost herself, and Maya couldn't find her anymore.
"I want you to be honest with me. When have I ever wanted anything else?" The tension grew thicker, and Maya's thoughts more chaotic. Her heart started to pace as she fiddled with her dress.
"Farkle?" Riley called for their best friend. He jumped off the tree trunk, almost tripping in the process. Maya was left alone on the tree trunk, feeling smaller than usual. Finally, Riley averted her gaze and looked at Farkle - her best friend or whatever he was to her now. "Yes. I would like to go and get some ice cream with you."
Farkle's smile was instant. Maya and Lucas had two entirely different facial expressions. Lucas glared at Riley, anger and confusion making their way onto his features. Maya frowned at the fire, stopping herself from saying things she knew she'd regret later on.
"Are you being serious right now?" Lucas asked. "You're just gonna walk away?" He was mad, and Maya couldn't blame him. She would be angry, too. Though, she didn't know if she was mad herself. It didn't seem to matter right now. It was something between Riley and Lucas. Maya wondered if Zay would have let her come along to get some wood if she had asked. She just wanted to disappear.
"I have nothing to say to you, Lucas." Riley's voice didn't falter though Maya knew better than to believe Riley didn't care. Confrontations with people she deeply cared about were pretty hard on Riley. Maya knew that all too well.
"Riley?" Farkle glanced back and forth between Riley and Lucas.
Riley and Lucas kept staring at one another, neither saying anything. Then, without another word, Riley turned away from Lucas and Maya and grabbed Farkle's hand, dragging him along with her as she left the drama behind. Apparently, she didn't care anymore about leaving Lucas and Maya alone with each other.
...
"You like me?" Lucas asked. Maya still wouldn't look at him.
"No?" Maya said, though her voice wavered slightly. Therefore, it sounded like a question rather than the statement she was aiming for.
"Maya-"
"Can we please just sit here and look at the fire?"
Maya had a feeling that she already knew what Lucas wanted to say. And she didn't want to hear it. Especially now as they sat in front of a campfire beneath the most beautiful starry sky she had ever seen.
Lucas crossed his arms, glaring at Maya. "No." Maya looked up. "We're gonna talk about this."
Maya shook her head, avoiding his persistent gaze.
"Maya." Lucas tried again, aiming for a calm tone. "Don't do this right now. Please."
"Do what?" Maya laughed as if Lucas had told her a joke. "What am I doing, Lucas?"
Lucas took a deep breath. "Could you please, for one second, stop lying to yourself?" Maya didn't know where Lucas had gotten the courage to say that.
On any other day, she would have been offended, would have talked back even, and would have probably thrown an insult at him as well. But today was not like any other day. Today was so much worse.
"Are you even listening to yourself right now?" Maya spat out, keeping her voice as low as she could. Her hands balled into tight fists as she stared at Lucas. There was a glint shining in her stormy eyes. Something besides anger, but Lucas couldn't decipher it. "I'm not lying to anyone about anything-"
"You and I both know that's bullshit."
"Don't you dare interrupt me!" Maya raised her voice. "And stop looking at me like that. It's making me uncomfortable," she added quietly, turning away and crossing her arms.
"Like what?" Lucas challenged.
Maya sighed deeply and closed her eyes to pretend this was just a bad dream and she had just fallen asleep on the train. Maya felt slightly disappointed as she reopened them to see Lucas staring at her expectantly. She knew this would not just go away, but she could hope. Then she glanced at the fire and whispered, "Like I'm Riley."
The fire's crackling seemed to grow quieter as if it wanted Maya and Lucas to hear each other's words. Maya wanted to laugh at the irony, but she stayed silent.
Lucas kept looking at Maya. Maya kept looking at the fire. "I know you're not Riley," he said. Maya laughed humorlessly. "I'm pretty sure that her leaving with Farkle practically declared their honeymoon or whatever. It still confuses me, but that's not the point."
Briefly, Maya looked up at him. "What's the point of this conversation then?"
Lucas sighed. "The point is," he started, "these last few days have been really confusing. I don't know what happened since we got here, but it sure as hell isn't what I expected this trip to be. I thought that..." Lucas' voice drifted off.
Maya raised an eyebrow at his pause. "What did you think?" she asked.
"All this time, I thought Riley and I had this thing together - a connection. Farkle was never an option for her. She told me that." Lucas pinched the bridge of his nose. "So I don't quite understand why he's all Riley wants now. Or if she's just hurt because of-well, it doesn't matter." Maya looked at him, gutted.
"It does matter, Lucas."
He contemplated whether he should tell Maya the truth or not. But she stared at him, silently urging him to be honest with her. With another sigh, Lucas gave up. "Riley thinks we have feelings for each other." Maya's eyes widened, any trace of tiredness gone.
She ran a hand through her hair before she asked, "Did she tell you that?"
Lucas shook his head. "She didn't have to. I saw it." He offered Maya a smile that didn't reach his eyes. She nodded before turning away. "It's not like she's wrong though."
Maya's head turned back sharply, her eyebrows drawn together. "You really think that, huh?" Lucas took a step back as Maya walked forward. Next to her, the flames rose higher. "Lucas, I don't feel anything for you. We're friends. That's how it's always been. That's all we'll ever be." As Maya's eyes burned into his, Lucas realized how perfectly the uncontrollable flames resembled the girl in front of him. He also noticed he had no idea how to read Maya. "You've always liked Riley, and she liked you. I just gave her a push."
"That's all?" Lucas asked.
Maya nodded a few times. "That's all," she confirmed. "So don't pretend there's something between us when you're clearly in love with Riley."
"I'm not," Lucas corrected quickly. "I'm not in love with her." He shrugged as Maya looked at him unconvinced. "I thought I was. But I guess I just held on to this fantasy longer than I should have. Riley and I both did."
"She's not in love with you either," Maya whispered.
"What?"
"Don't be mad now." Maya scoffed. "If you're not in love with her either, it shouldn't matter to you that much." He knew Maya was right, as always. So he just nodded in response. "She just loved the idea of you." Maya kicked a few small stones around with her left foot, watching where they landed. "After finding out you got kicked out of school here in Texas, she threw a fit. A bad one." She kicked another stone. "Riley couldn't deal with the truth, even less accept that part of you we got to know that day."
"She did refuse to talk to me for some time," Lucas mumbled as he remembered that day.
"Yeah," Maya agreed. "She was disappointed to find out you weren't the Texan sheep-riding superhero you first seemed to be when we met you." Lucas laughed at that, his eyes twinkling as Maya let a small smile slip.
"Riley still can't accept that side of me," Lucas said as he walked toward Maya. "She never understood this part I couldn't get rid of."
"That's because you can't just cut it out of you," Maya added. "It's a part of who you are."
"Yes. But as Riley found out, we fell apart. We both didn't realize it at that time." Lucas stopped two steps in front of Maya. "I wanted her to be my person." His stare got determined as his eyes met Maya's confused gaze. "These last few days made me realize something."
Maya swallowed nervously, already sensing the words Lucas was about to say. "I don't think I need to know." Maya took a step back, trying to put distance between them.
"I think you do," Lucas objected, walking closer again.
"No, Lucas. I really don't." Maya's strained voice got Lucas to stop. He opened his mouth to argue, but she held up a hand, pleading with her eyes. "Please don't say anything. I don't need to hear it." She closed her eyes and turned away, standing directly at the fire. "I don't even want to hear it," she whispered harshly, purposefully ignoring Lucas, whose eyes had widened at her rejection.
Lucas frowned at the dirt beneath his feet, keeping himself from reaching out to her. He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans and rocked back and forth on his feet. "So you don't like me?"
Maya breathed out a laugh, her chest rising momentarily. She couldn't believe this. "Only as a friend." Lucas nodded though Maya couldn't see it. She pulled down the sleeves of her dress, trying to even her breathing. "And don't act hurt. You only ever had eyes for Riley, so don't pull some I've-been-in-love-with-you-this-whole-time-bullshit because I won't buy it." After she finished, Lucas wanted to protest, but despite not seeing him, Maya guessed what he was about to do. "Don't even try it," she stated flatly. The glare she gave him rivaled Topanga's.
"Wasn't going to," Lucas argued weakly. Finally, Maya turned back. "So, what's happening now?"
Maya frowned, seemingly lost in thoughts. Then she raised her eyes so Lucas could see the helplessness in them. "I don't know," Maya admitted. "This is so fucked up!" Her hands flew into the air, frustrated, gesturing at their friends that weren't there. "We were supposed to have some nice days here in Texas. Instead, we're all arguing and avoiding each other. Riley is mad at me for all the wrong reasons. Poor Farkle is being used by her because she refuses to address the pain she's feeling. Zay is forced to play the referee and watch us all fight. You can't decide, and I don't even want to be here with you!" Maya tugged a few loose wisps of her hair behind her ear, pacing around. "Why did they have to leave?!" Maya muttered angrily, kicking stones again with more force this time.
Lucas seemed to ponder on something. He had to choose his words carefully, knowing it wouldn't take much to set Maya off. Silently, he thanked his lucky stars that she hadn't left yet.
"Who would you rather be here with then?" Lucas asked. Maya's pacing stopped as she winced at his words. She hadn't meant to get angry or to sound mean. But she had told the truth in her fit of rage. Apologetically, Maya offered a thin smile that ended up resembling a grimace instead. Lucas watched as she ran through different conversations in her mind, trying to find an answer that wouldn't sting.
She found none. At last, Maya settled for, "I think you know."
He offered a grim expression in return. His head nodded, automatically trying to hide the pain her answer brought. Because, of course, Lucas knew who she would rather be here with. That didn't make it hurt any less. If anything, that made it even worse.
Lucas bit the inside of his cheek. "Have you talked to him recently?"
Maya nodded before replying, "Yeah, he texted me today."
"That's great," Lucas mumbled, not quite managing to keep the bitterness out of his voice. Maya glanced at him but chose not to say anything. "And how are you feeling now? After everything we've talked about?"
"Well," Maya said, "It was a lot. Honestly, I can't remember half of the things we talked about." Her voice was calmer, almost teasing. Lucas hadn't expected it, so he found himself grateful to know he hadn't fully destroyed their friendship.
"It was a lot," Lucas agreed with a small smile. "But I actually meant something else." Maya raised an eyebrow, not quite looking at him but letting him know she had heard him. "Do you, by any chance, feel different about me now?"
Maya's breath hitched almost painfully. Her shoulders dropped, telling Lucas everything he needed to know. Hope faded entirely as the seconds passed without a word said. It was a quiet answer. Not the one Lucas had hoped for.
Three more heavy heartbeats passed before Maya replied, "You're my friend, Lucas."
Frustration crept into his heart. Despite the expected answer, Lucas was still hurting inside. Hearing Maya's rejections so many times was a new kind of heartbreak he had never experienced before.
He couldn't help but ask, "Are you sure?"
"Yes," Maya answered fast, seemingly annoyed at his persistence. She inhaled sharply. "I know it's hard to accept these kinds of things. Trust me, I know." She let out a hollow laugh.
Lucas did know about the many heartbreaks Maya had endured in her life. He hated seeing her hurt and not being able to help. The way her eyes shone just then told him there was still a broken heart beating inside of her chest because of someone she couldn't let go of yet. Someone older than Lucas. Someone Maya had already known for a long time before she met Lucas. The feelings were buried underneath the shattered pieces of Maya's heart, waiting to be picked up by someone other than her. Lucas hated knowing he would never be that person for Maya.
"You have to accept this," she continued. "I know you can't just turn off these feelings. But please try to get over it. Not just for me and our friends, but mostly for yourself. You're only gonna hurt yourself if you keep waiting." Lucas almost laughed at the irony of Maya's words. "I'm sorry. It's a lot I'm asking, I know. But I can't change it. I still love-"
"Please," Lucas interrupted. "Don't say his name."
He looked at her as if she was the most beautiful thing beneath the stars. Pain hid behind his green eyes. And despite it, he smiled at Maya - a bitter smile she had seen multiple times during conversations Lucas had with Riley.
"I wasn't lying today. Or ever about this," Maya confirmed again. "And I certainly didn't want to hurt you. But I can't say I'm feeling the same way as you. I'm in love with-" Lucas cut her off.
He stepped into her personal space, taking her face between his hands. His eyes were overflowing with sorrow as she stared into them, shocked and confused. Silently, he begged her to stop explaining. Lucas knew he had brought this upon himself by constantly asking about her feelings. But he couldn't take it anymore.
Maya didn't say anything as her heart pumped wildly at the sudden closeness. She was furious. Lucas saw the fire ignite in her eyes as it burnt down any shred of calm she had.
He held her face as if she was about to fade away. As if the weakest gust of wind could take her away from him.
As if she was about to break.
"Why did you do that?" her voice was low, and her hands balled into fists as Lucas let go of her.
"I don't know." Lucas looked at anything but Maya, who seemed to crumble into tiny pieces the longer their conversation wore on. "I just wanted you to stop talking."
"And you couldn't have done anything else?" Maya's voice was still low, and somehow, that scared Lucas more than if she had just yelled at him. It intensified the gravity of her words and her anger. He could handle her being mad. He could not handle her being disappointed, however.
Lucas could only hope for a hole beneath his feet to swallow the guilt he felt.
"Look, I'm sorry, okay?" All of a sudden, he seemed so small. "I just wanted you to stop talking about him, and it was the first thing that came to my mind," his voice drifted off, and the rest of the unsaid words hung between them.
Maya looked down, biting her lip as she shook her head. "It's okay, Huckleberry." Slowly she backed away, taking her place on the tree trunk with a thud. "Just don't ever do that shit again," she threatened. Her voice, somehow, seemed distant, as if it was miles away.
Maybe it was.
Physically, Maya was present. As Lucas sat down, he sensed her soul drifting to another place, far away from where she was. From where she was supposed to be.
Where that was, though, Lucas didn't know. He could only hope.
"I never had a chance with you, huh?" Lucas asked in a joking tone. He sounded surprised and afraid yet hopeful all the same. It swamped Maya's mind, adding to the headache she was sure would come soon enough.
She huffed, wanting to stand up again. Instead, she sat still and watched the fire slowly dying.
"No," she whispered, wringing her hands together. Lucas smiled bitterly, running a hand down his face to clear his eyes.
The crackling silence fell upon them as both teenagers wished for a different reality than the one they found themselves in. Maya enjoyed the quietness and tried to sort through her chaotic state of mind. To her, the conversation was over. Lucas had other plans, it seemed.
"Would you feel any different if he wasn't there?"
Maya should have seen it coming, probably. And yet, the question caught her off guard. Slowly, she turned her head and shook it once. "How many reminders do you need of the friend zone?" He laughed and hung his head in defeat.
"Sympathize with me here, please." his voice was muffled, his hands holding his head.
"I wouldn't feel different."
Lucas stared up at her, a crummy look on his face. Maya ignored him. He didn't ask any more questions. Maya's eyelids grew heavier the harder she tried to keep them open. The flames were small, taking its warmth and the light. She fiddled with her dress again, letting her hair hide her face as she shifted away from Lucas, putting distance between them.
"I still love Josh," Maya confessed. "I don't think I ever stopped."
She sensed his gaze, but Maya didn't look at him. She stared at her lap, then at the stars, and lastly at the remains of the campfire. Nothing more was to be said, so she got up.
Maya threw a gentle "Good night" over her shoulder and left without waiting for a response that never came.