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Ed usually liked when Roy surprised him at work.
Usually Roy didn’t have an empty file box with him.
Usually Roy didn’t enter his office silently and began emptying old mugs of coffee into Ed’s trash can and setting the mugs into the box, the only sound the slight clink of ceramic bumping against ceramic as Roy loaded mugs into the box. He didn't say a word, eyes locked with Ed’s the whole time, until there was a trash can full of stale, ancient coffee and a box full of stained but empty coffee cups.
Roy left as quietly as he appeared, the fading tinkling of mugs the only indication he had been here at all.
Ed finally checked his phone.
Five text messages from Roy.
Ed, darling, do you perchance know where our coffee mugs are?
They’re in your office, aren’t they
I swear if I get there and ALL of our mugs are in your office, I’m never speaking to you again.
I bought you that nice travel mug for exactly this reason.
Ed, there’s ten mugs in your car. Why are there so many mugs in your car?
Two from Al.
Brother, please call your husband. He’s threatening to push you off a cliff and make it look like an accident again.
What did you do???
And one from Riza and Winry. Ed knew the telltale tone shift of Riza snatching the phone from Winry to finish a text.
ED WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED Roy is being dramatic and we’re concerned.
The horrible sinking weight in his stomach made him do something he rarely did. Ed skipped right over the text option and pressed the little green button to call Roy.
“Hey you-”
“No. Twenty coffee mugs, Edward. Twenty . What were you doing with them all?”
“It’s an art installation.” Ed quipped back. He put Roy on speaker and set the phone down. “Is this going to be a fight?”
Roy sighed. “ No. ”
“It sure sounds like it’s gonna be a fight. Over coffee mugs.”
“All of our coffee mugs.” Roy insisted.
Ed nodded, then remembered Roy couldn’t see him.
“Cool, cool. So why are we not-fighting about coffee mugs?”
Ed found after five years it was just easier to ask when Roy was in one of his moods.
Another dramatic sigh followed by a long pause.
“I’m ahead. In the polls.”
“That’s great, you dumbass.” Now Ed really had no idea what the problem was.
“It’s. Real. More real. Solid. I don’t know, it’s fucking… terrifying.”
“Roy, this is kinda the whole deal - you run for office, people believe your lies and then you get to flake on all your campaign promises once you’re in office.”
Roy was silent for another long minute.
“But what if that’s actually what happens?” Roy asked quietly. Ed sighed this time, set down his tools.
“Babe, if you flake on your campaign promises it’s not going to be because you didn’t try or work hard enough or want them badly enough. It’ll be circumstances you don’t have any control over, and I get that that makes you all… you , but shit happens.”
“This is not the pep talk I was hoping for.”
“You married me.”
“And I would do it again.”
“Ugh. Why are you like this.”
“Good breeding and genetics.”
“You’re a nightmare, I’m not voting for you.”
“Yes you are.”
Ed gave him a theatrical sigh. “Yeah, I suppose I am. So are plenty of other people, if the polls can be believed.”
“Never believe anything the news tells you.”
“You know you’re going to be great at this, right?”
“That remains to be seen.”
“No it doesn’t.” Ed was adamant. “You’re going to win, you’re going to be good at it, and history is going to be, if not kind, at least flattering.”
“...who taught you to be so self-assured and persuasive.” Roy griped.
“This older dude I’ve been banging since I was in grad school.”
“Is he prettier than me?” Roy deadpanned.
“He’s more annoying than you for goddamn sure.” Ed teased back, relieved when he could very nearly hear the eye roll from Roy through the phone.
“Sounds like you should dump him.”
Ed snickered. “Nah. He’s rich and pretty and good in bed and he’s about to be very important. Seems like a shame to quit now.”
Roy was silent again. It was unnerving. The man never shut up. Ed honestly thought he might be incapable of being silent for more than five minutes at a time.
“What if I win?” Roy asked quietly.
“Then we keep going with the Plan. We fix shit. We carve out a better spot for ourselves and people like us. We keep going and we don’t let the bastards get us down.”
Roy laughed.
“Remember, a vote for Mustang is a vote to Unfuck Shit.” Ed reminded him, pleased when Roy groaned at Ed’s original slogan idea.
“I’m still not putting that on my signs.”
“It’s cool, I had a t-shirt made. I’m wearing it tomorrow for the big ‘End of the Trail Campaign Push’ Fuery keeps talking about.”
“You are not .”
“Eh fine, I’ll wear the suit. But you owe me.”
“I’ve owed you more for less.”
Ed smiled at the phone. Roy was an idiot. His idiot, which was the nice thing about it all.
“You’re going to be great.” He reassured him.
“You don’t know that.” Roy started before Ed cut him off.
“Hey, listen to me for six seconds. You’re going to be great because you already are. Roy, this isn’t a perfect solution. They’re never going to let you be supreme dictator and fix everything exactly to your liking - this is how you make the changes you want, and you’re going to be great , ok?”
“You say that like you believe in me.”
“Yeah, well. Don’t let it go to your head.”
“I would never.”
“Because your ego is big enough already.”
“Yes, the jokes are always funnier when you explain them.”
“Isn’t Riza waiting for you? Don’t you have things to do? Politician things, that don’t involve bothering me at the very important and real job I have?”
Roy snorted. “You’ve spent the afternoon showing undergrads what liquid nitrogen can freeze so you can take it out the parking lot and smash it, prove me wrong.”
Ed knew Olivier would send Roy the security footage if he asked for it.
“I spent the afternoon enriching young minds.”
“By…?”
“....freezing stuff in liquid nitrogen and throwing it off the roof into the parking lot.”
“And what did your young minds learn?”
“That it’s fun to smash shit, who the fuck knows? I don’t keep track of what those little shits learn.”
“You know that’s one of the primary functions of your job, don’t you.”
“It does not say that anywhere in my contract and I dare them to try and add it now.”
Roy chuckled. “I do have to go, actually, but thank you.”
“For stealing all the coffee mugs?”
“No. Just for being you.”
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