Chapter Text
Wooyoung closed his eyes and turned from his back and over to his side again. He evened out his breathing again, focusing on the sound of raindrops against the window. It was barely open, but he could still feel the cold breeze brushing over his face and arms. Goosebumps prickled over his skin. He picked his phone up and checked the time.
04:37
It would only be a couple of hours before the dorm would come to life again and fill with the noise of eight men attempting to get ready all at once. Wooyoung doubted he would be able to get an ounce of sleep. He rolled out of bed with a heavy sigh. He swayed a bit when he stood up, black dots dancing across his vision for a moment. Despite being used to the constant dizziness now, he rarely remembered to be careful when standing up. It was the cause of several of the bruises adorning his upper arms and calves.
Wooyoung pulled on a hoodie and a pair of sweatpants. The room was way colder than he’d realized, and since he was getting up he didn’t want to risk bumping into any of the other members and have them see his bare body. Despite freezing, he’d only worn a pair of boxers to bed today. A small part of him had wanted to be forced to stay awake the entire night, to suffer even more. Maybe the bags under his eyes would be even deeper, or his cheeks even more sunken. He wondered how many sleepless nights it would take for anyone to even comment on it.
He easily stepped into his slippers and walked out of the bedroom, as quietly as he could. Jongho and Yeosang were sleeping soundly. Wooyoung had attempted to match Jongho’s calm breathing until the rain had deafened both of the boys.
Considering his options, Wooyoung ended up stepping into the living room. He wanted to go out for a bit, just for a quick walk. It was a nice way to start the day, and it would help with riddening him of some tiredness. With the addition of a few cups of coffee, of course.
“What are you doing up so early?”
Wooyoung stopped in his tracks. In hindsight, he should’ve expected this. His eyes briefly met with Hongjoong's before they flickered down. He felt like a child that had been caught stealing from the cookie jar. “Well,” Wooyoung started, stepping forwards until he could plop down on the couch. He made sure there was a good distance between him and Hongjoong. “I couldn’t sleep.”
Hongjoong hummed. The leader was more than familiar with sleepless nights, no matter the reason. He hadn’t been getting too much sleep lately either, Wooyoung had noticed. He always noticed these things. He wondered if anyone noticed Wooyoung’s lack of sleep. He doubted it.
They were getting close to a comeback, so their days were packed and busy. Hongjoong had probably been unable to sleep after coming back from the studio. Wooyoung recalled hearing him enter the dorm some time during the night, but hadn’t paid much attention to it.
“You got a solo schedule today. Do we need to move it?” Hongjoong asked softly. Though Wooyoung refused to meet his eyes, he could tell that Hongjoong was concerned. It didn’t feel like enough.
He wasn’t concerned about Wooyoung. He was concerned about their image, their reputation. If Wooyoung fucked up, the word would spread, and create fewer opportunities for other members as well as Wooyoung.
“I’ll be fine hyung.” Wooyoung attempted to sound reassuring, but his voice came out too quiet for his liking. Before Hongjoong could ask him anything more about it, he spoke up again. “Do you wanna join me on a walk? I really wanna see the sunrise.”
Hongjoong stared at Wooyoung for a long time, wrapping his blanket tighter around his tiny form. He was so so so small . “I think I’m gonna try getting a few hours of sleep. Manager-nim is picking us up at eight, so make sure you’re back and ready until then,” he declined. “I’ll tell San to make you some breakfast, so you don’t gotta stress about that.”
Wooyoung shifted, a bit uncomfortable at that. Still he was too exhausted to argue with the leader, so he held his tongue. He was too exhausted for almost anything these days. “I’ll be back soon.” Wooyoung stood up again, glancing at Hongjoong’s small form again. Then he walked into the hallway and put on his jacket and shoes. He pulled a beanie down over his ears and wrapped a scarf around his neck.
Though the days were getting longer again, the February weather was still harsh and unforgiving. The last thing Wooyoung wanted was to catch a cold. A few months ago a cold would’ve been nothing worse than a sore throat and having to take some painkillers to deal with headaches. Now, however, a cold would be enough to land him in bed rest for at least a week. He couldn’t afford that right now.
If their schedules hadn’t been so hectic, he wouldn’t have minded. Rotting away in his bed for a week, without having to worry about avoiding the others, or coming up with excuses .
Despite having dressed up well, wearing his thickest black coat that skirted the top of his knees, the cold wind immediately seeped into Wooyoung’s bones when he stepped outside. He shivered, wrapping arms around himself and hiding his hands in his sleeves. He wanted to step inside again immediately, sneak into San’s warm bed and cuddle up with him, or maybe even crawl under the blankets with Hongjoong.
To motivate himself, he pulled his sleeve up and clicked on the activity watch wrapped around his wrist.
213 steps.
Wooyoung started walking.
+
At 06.48 Wooyoung’s phone vibrated in his pocket. Stiff and numb fingers reached into his pocket and pulled it out. San was calling him. He was grateful that he was calling, instead of sending a message, because with how numb his fingers were he doubted he’d be able to type a single sentence.
It took him two attempts to answer the call, and he pressed the phone up to his ear, slipping it under his beanie. It was uncomfortably cold. “Hey,” he exhaled shakily.
“Good morning Wooyoungie!” San sounded surprisingly cheerful, considering how early it was. He must’ve had a good night.
He’s probably happy he doesn’t have to deal with Wooyoung’s presence this morning. He always took too much space, in every way.
“Morning,” Wooyoung rasped. It hurt to breathe at this point.
“Hyung updated me about you and I’m prepared to complete my duties! What can I offer for breakfast to you, my darling?” San said cheekily.
Wooyoung couldn’t contain a smile, despite the uneasiness that settled in his gut. “Ah, don’t worry about it San-ah. I was actually thinking of stopping by Starbucks to get a bagel and some coffee. If you act cute for me, I’ll get you something too,” he forced a teasing edge into his voice, even though all he wanted was to just end this call now. He didn’t want to talk about this with San. Or anyone.
San chuckled, but it sounded off. Almost a little strained. “Do you really think I’m that easy?” His voice then softened a bit. Not enough to be obvious, but enough that Wooyoung noticed through his exhaustion. Or maybe he was just hyperattentive. “Send me a picture of you with the bagel… alright? I wanna see what you get.”
He knows.
Wooyoung hummed softly, though cursed at himself inwardly. “I’ll be back home in a bit over half an hour,” he promised. They ended the call and Wooyoung started to navigate himself towards the closest starbucks. He was thankful that they opened this early.
After getting the coffee and his bagel, he sat his cup down and pulled his phone out. The few minutes he’d spent inside the warm coffee shop had been enough to heat him up enough to be able to use his phone properly, at least for a few minutes. He took one selfie where he held the food in front of his face.
Then he took a bite of the food, chewing it up a bit before squeezing it out to each of his cheeks. He puffed them up some, to create more of an illusion that he was eating a lot. After snapping another picture, he spat the food out on the crosswalk. He watched amusedly as a pigeon jumped forwards and pecked at the gross remains of his food.
After picking up his coffee again, he tossed the rest of the bagel down on the ground, for the rest of the pigeons to enjoy. Then he sent the selfies he'd taken to the member group chat.
“ Definitively better than anything San could’ve made “
Wooyoung put his phone in his pocket again as it started to vibrate with new messages, probably from San attempting to defend his cooking skills. He didn’t really have the energy to banter with anyone now, so he walked the rest of his way back to the dorm in silence.
+
He ended up dozing off in the car ride to the company building, his head involuntarily flopping against Seonghwa’s shoulder. He’d thought that a triple espresso shot would’ve been enough to keep him upright for a few hours, or at least until they reached the company. They had a cafe in the building, where he could recharge on an iced americano to get through dance practice. However, he’d been out dark only a couple minutes after they’d started driving.
When Wooyoung woke up again, he felt worse than before. His slumber had barely lasted twenty minutes, and now he felt disoriented and nauseous. Had it been overkill to spit out that piece of bagel. What was the worst thing that could’ve happened?
He’d probably gained weight anyways. He’d kept the bagel in his mouth, so some calories had to have been absorbed. There had been butter on it… and butter was incredibly high cal, and basically just pure fat.
He could feel the excess fat that had formed over his stomach. He wanted to suffocate.
“Hyunngg~” Wooyoung whined, reaching out blindly. His eyelids felt so extremely heavy. He’d barely been able to take his seatbelt off. “Carry me?” He settled for his most pitiful pout. His chest tightened a bit when he heard a long sigh.
“I’ll carry you Youngie,” Yunho spoke up warmly. He guided Wooyoung out of the car and then bent down to allow the younger to climb up on his back. “You’re so much more cuddly right now,” he chuckled. He held around Wooyoung’s thighs to keep him up. Despite how tired he was, he felt hyper aware of the touch.
“Awww did you miss my kisses?” Wooyoung mumbled sleepily. Yunho’s back was comfortable, though he was unable to relax properly. The thought of how heavy and uncomfortable it had to be to carry him.
Yunho laughed sharply. “Don’t take it to heart.” It sounded like he had something more he wanted to say, but kept it to himself.
Wooyoung kept silent for a few moments, the tiredness fading more and more, being replaced by anxiety. “You can put me down now,” He said quietly.
Yunho slowly halted his steps and let Wooyoung slide down to the ground again. It was clear he was confused, but he didn’t comment on Wooyoung’s change of mood.
+
“Which pizzas should we order?” Mingi asked loudly. The eight members were all laying scattered across the floor of their dance studio. Their choreography this time was intense, and it took a lot out of them all. They finally had a break now, and the members had agreed earlier to order some pizza for lunch.
Wooyoung felt his gut twist at the mention of food. “I was just gonna grab something from the cafeteria downstairs. I probably gotta get going to my shoot before it arrives and I don’t wanna be bloated,” he sighed. The other members hummed in understanding.
“I’ll be accompanying Woo to the shoot, so don’t count on me paying this time,” Hongjoong said suddenly.
Wooyoung sat up, looking puzzled. “You… You really don’t gotta do that hyung,” he stammered. His mind was racing, attempting to find excuses. He didn’t want to be around the other members. He hadn’t been lying about getting something in the cafeteria.
He wasn’t dumb. Wooyoung knew he needed food to survive, and that it was impossible for him to completely starve himself. He wouldn’t be able to get through his hectic days without any sort of fuel, and coffee was not enough for his lifestyle.
However, eating in front of other people was one of the things Wooyoung felt the most anxious about.
“I want to,” Hongjoong said brightly, oblivious to Wooyoung’s worries. Normally, he would’ve either teased or cooed at how cute the leader was. Right now he couldn’t feel anything but disappointment.
After hitting the showers and getting on some fresh clothes, Hongjoong and Wooyoung took the elevator down to the second floor. If Wooyoung had been alone, he would’ve taken the stairs.
“Hyung… I don’t really think I can stomach much right now… I don’t feel good,” Wooyoung said softly, pleading Hongjoong to not make him eat much.
“You haven’t eaten all day…” The older stated. Wooyoung opened his mouth to protest, but Hongjoong cut him to it. “I know San trusts you too much to doubt you but, come on. You’ve been shaky and off all day. I think you should get a smoothie and a sandwich… or maybe some noodles.”
Wooyoung was panicking now, his breaths coming faster, heart thumping against his chest.
Heknewheknewheknewheknewheknewheknewheknewhekn-
“I… what about just a smoothie? I can have a smoothie for lunch. I don’t wanna be bloated for the shoot,” Wooyoung desperately tried to compromise. It was so stupid. It was just food. It didn’t make sense why he would get this panicked.
Hongjoong pressed his lips into a thin line. “You can have a smoothie now, and something more after the shoot, alright?”
Wooyoung swallowed and nodded.
Hongjoong seemed satisfied with the reply. “You need dinner today too.” Wooyoung disagreed. “We can either just get something together, you and me,” his voice softened. “It’s been a while since we spent time together. We can also eat dinner with the rest of the members. I think Seonghwa had wanted to go out for steak.”
“Can we just eat a healthy meal at home?” Wooyoung asked, looking down at his shoes. The elevator finally came to a stop, and the automated voice announced the floor.
“Yeah, that’s alright,” Hongjoong hummed.
The cafeteria was almost empty, to Wooyoung’s comfort. A small part of him was getting excited at the thought of finally tasting one of the things he’d been craving for-
He didn’t even know how long.
Well.
Another part of him was ashamed and grossed out about the fact that he was actually looking forward to consuming all those calories. At least he would know exactly how much to burn off. That was the perk of this cafeteria. They had listed the calories of every food item besides it.
Smoothie 331 calories.
“We’ll have two smoothies and… hm… one mozzarella sandwich and one pesto sandwich,” Hongjoong ordered for both of them. He turned to the younger. “Do you want anything more?”
Sandwich with pesto and chicken 489 calories.
Sandwich with mozzarella cheese 526 calories.
Wooyoung quickly shook his head. If he had a smoothie, a sandwich, and then dinner later… He would most definitely gain weight.
Hongjoong pressed the smoothie into his hand a moment later, placing the sandwiches into his bag. “It’ll still be a bit until we’re picked up. Are you excited?”
Wooyoung chewed on his lower lip. “I’m scared it won't come out good… or that I’ll fumble the interview,” he admitted with a sigh. “It’s weird not having the rest of the members along as well.”
He recalled when he’d done the monthly artist project. Going to choreography practices, filming and performing all by himself had made him feel uneasy back then.
Now the loneliness was suffocating him again, just as it had been when he was young.
“I’m glad you’re joining me hyung,” Wooyoung said. He didn’t really know if he was lying or not.
“You should drink some of the smoothie. It’s really good,” Hongjoong replied, smiling brightly.
Wooyoung brought the straw up to his lips, his eyes flickering nervously between Hongjoong and down at the purple beverage. It tasted better than anything Wooyoung had eaten in months.
+
Yunho
This picture is going viral
[image attached]
Wooyoung
soooo cute ><
Wooyoung had been staring at the picture for several minutes. It was a picture taken when Yunho had been carrying him earlier. Fans were calling them adorable and talking about how cute the pair were.
Wooyoung couldn’t stop staring at his thighs where they were pressed up against Yunho’s waist. They were huge. Every part of his body just looked bloated, unnaturally so. It was disgusting. He couldn’t understand how his fans managed to look at this and think of it as cute. He barely even looked like a human being in this picture, much less an id-
The phone was snatched out of his hand and Wooyoung blinked to meet the stern eyes of the leader. “Stop thinking and finish your smoothie,” he ordered softly.
Right. The smoothie.
Having stared at his phone while they’d been driving had made Wooyoung slightly nauseous, so the smoothie didn’t seem appetizing. He took a long sip from the paper straw again. It must have been made with milk, because Wooyoung was starting to feel extremely bloated. He could feel his stomach pressing up against his pants, making them tighter and tighter until it was almost suffocating him.
He wanted to vomit.
“I can’t… have any more,” he said quietly, tears stinging in his eyes. He felt completely worthless. It was a smoothie. Who the fuck made this much fuss over a fucking smoothie. It was embarrassing, almost humiliating to not be able to just finish drinking 30 centiliter of a fruit drink.
He wished Hongjoong hadn’t tagged along. Though he was the leader, he shouldn’t have to deal with such stupid crap like this. Wooyoung wasn’t even sick, and still Hongjoong had to almost force every sip down his throat.
Hongjoong was quiet for a long while before he gently took the drink out of Wooyoung’s trembling hand. “You did great. It’s okay.” He put the drink down again and took Wooyoung’s hand in his own instead, giving it a light squeeze.
Suddenly it felt a bit easier to breathe.
+
The shoot went horrible, in Wooyoung’s opinion. The others at the set kept reassuring him that he was doing great, but Wooyoung could see it in their eyes that they had been expecting more. Hongjoong seemed a bit more careful when he offered the sandwich to Wooyoung, though relieved when Wooyoung took it without complaint.
He couldn’t even remember eating it. One moment he’d had the sandwich in his hand, and the next he was in the car on the way back to the dorms again, without the sandwich. The unsettling feeling of fullness was definitive proof that he’d eaten it though.
Hongjoong was holding his hand again, stroking it with his thumb. He was mumbling something, but Wooyoung had no idea what. He didn’t feel present. He felt as if he was a bystander, not in his own body but rather watching everything happening from a different perspective.
Everything around him felt too tight, and the way Hongjoong was rubbing his thumb was burning him, making his skin prickle and eat itself up. “ Don’t touch me,” he hissed and yanked his hand away, startling the elder. Hongjoong didn’t say anything, but Wooyoung could feel how he glanced at him nervously for the rest of the ride.
Wooyoung was a bit more present by the time they reached the dorm. The cold air when he stepped out of the car helped in grounding him. It also brought back the overwhelming guilt, making him feel absolutely horrible.
He stayed silent as they entered the dorm, simply forcing a smile and nodding in greeting to the other members. He walked straight to his bedroom, falling into his bed. He didn’t have the energy to even take off his clothes. What was the point anyway? He was gonna freeze no matter how many layers he wore.
He tucked himself under the covers and just tried to fall asleep. He’d been so insanely tired the entire day, it should’ve been easy. Every free moment he’d sat down, and immediately started drifting.
Now, however, he felt wide awake.
The guilt of being rude to Hongjoong, the guilt of eating, the guilt of fucking up the shoot.
He also was terrified, because no matter how much he’d deny it, he wanted help. He wished he didn’t feel so anxious whenever he was presented with a meal, with something that he hadn’t planned to have that day. He wanted Hongjoong to care about him, but when he actually did, Wooyoung only snapped at him and pushed him away. It made him so uncomfortable.
Wooyoung wasn’t used to people showing that they cared. It had been a whole new experience, when he’d started to get such close friends when he was a trainee, and he’d gotten overwhelmed several times.
With the group being so close now, he’d gotten a bit more used to it. He knew that they cared, and he knew that he could talk to them whenever he wanted. But actually doing so? That happened very rarely. He felt bad, that he was struggling, so he bottled it up.
Sleep washed over him without realizing it.