Archive of Our Own

The wounds were still fresh when dad came home. 

JJ saw him first through his bedroom window before he even heard the sound of the car engine running. It was just him, mom nowhere in sight.

He saw her in the hospital earlier that day, and it was like she was already gone before she was even physically gone. Her skin was hollow, eyes open but sunken in, cheekbones sharp as they angled towards the ceiling. They only gave him five minutes before he was ushered out, unable to even say goodbye.

His dad said, “What’s the point of saying goodbye when she ain’t gonna say it back? Don’t waste your breath over this, son,” as they walked out of the hospital.

Luke was going to bring JJ home before mom died, so that JJ didn’t have to see her in her final moments; the doctors said it might be hard for him, as a fifteen-year-old kid, to watch, and thought it would be best if he wasn’t there when it happened. He had no choice but to wait at home for hours before the car pulled onto the front lawn again.

JJ held his breath as Luke walked up the walkway, as he opened the front door and let himself inside. He jumped when the door slammed behind him, his heart beating out of his chest. It was just the two of them now, through and through; officially. Mom was hardly around much, either, when she was alive, not in an emotional sort of way, but at least she was there - occasionally to bridge the gap between JJ and his father, a third person so that JJ didn’t literally have to be alone in this house with Luke.

But her worsening illness turned her bitter. She was depressed and lonely, cooped up in the house so often, confined to a wheelchair. JJ watched her deteriorate in more ways than one during those months. Breast cancer ravaged her body and destroyed her mind. She yelled, she scowled, she threw bottles with as much strength as she had left. She was the epitome of the cranky old lady next door, except she was only in her forties and, if she’d taken a different path in life, she’d have had a lot of life left to live.

The house was silent after Luke got in. JJ stood by his window and waited for something to tell him how things were now; how they were going to be indefinitely now that mom was gone and the two of them were on their own. The silence was eerie, and JJ felt something sickening settle in his gut. His brain told him not to go out there, to keep his distance, because if Luke wasn’t coming for him, why would he voluntarily go anywhere near him? But he was curious to see what state his father was in; to see how the death of the woman he married when he was twenty-two was affecting him.

He walked quietly, cautious with every step. In the living room, he found Luke settled on the couch, the television playing softly, a cloud of smoke sitting between the screen and Luke as a cigarette hung from his lips. JJ should have turned around right then and there, should have gone back to his room, packed a bag, and ran to John B’s before Luke could notice him, but he stayed where he was, eyes locked on his father’s emotionless face.

“Dad?”

Luke’s eyes darted to him. His head stayed still. “Your mom’s gone.”

JJ swallowed, his throat on fire. “I know.” He leaned against the doorway, trying to keep himself steady. “But -”

“But what?” Luke was apathetic and cold, more so than usual. “She’s gone. There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Yeah,” JJ agreed, and he meant it.

If there was something he wanted to say, he wouldn’t say it to his dad. If his dad was being aloof and closed-off like this, sitting without the desire to fight, that meant he didn’t want to talk about it.

“I’ll be out with some buddies of mine tonight. Don’t mess up the place while I’m gone.”

That was the last JJ heard from his dad before he went back to his room. He sat on his bed and leaned forward, breathing deep and shaky breaths as he gripped the edge of the mattress with white-knuckled hands.

He had never been close with his mom, but her absence still hurt him somehow. It shouldn’t have, because she was mean and nasty to him while she was alive, scoffed at his back when he tried to help her, used him for money, hurt him in ways that are drastically different from the ways his dad would hurt him, and once she was gone, he didn’t know what to do with the way her loss made him feel.

He wanted to feel nothing, so he reached for his bag of weed.

School the next day was out of the question.

JJ lost track of time from the moment he woke up, losing himself in the cloud of smoke he’d formed in his room and the lingering exhaustion from the night before. He hadn’t been able to sleep, couldn’t shut his eyes, and he had spent the long, lonely hours continuously contemplating going over to John B’s like he normally would in a crisis situation, but he stopped himself. If his dad was fine, then he could be, too. He should be.

Morning welcomed another hot, sunny summer morning on the island. Even with the blinds shut, the light engulfed JJ’s room, burning his eyes and his skin. He hid his face under his covers and took a deep breath, the weight on his chest making it hard to breathe. He wished he had John B and Big John to help him deal with and make sense of what was happening, but he felt he was better off on his own. For now, at least.

The hours dragged on, almost as painful as the impending dying breaths he’d watched his mom take; the ones that warned them that the end was near. If JJ thought that was bad, then he decided he was glad he wasn’t there those last few minutes. If Luke were a normal dad, JJ could have asked him what it was like; maybe not right away, but if he really wanted to know, and he wasn’t sure he did, he could have just asked.

But Luke was the type of man that went out drinking with his friends after his wife died, the one who abandoned and all but forgot about his son even on his best days. JJ was used to it, and he knew there was a possibility he would never get to hear what happened in the last minutes of his mom’s life. Maybe it was for the best.

He only got out of bed when his throat became so dry it hurt to swallow. He was unsteady on his feet, hazy in the head. He didn’t know what time it was, never mind what day of the week it was. All he knew was that his mom was gone, but all of her things were still there. Her wheelchair, which she only used when she was too weak to walk on her own, sat in the corner of the living room, and her medicine was still in the kitchen, the organized weekly containers she would use still half-full.

JJ picked one up and looked into it. It must be Thursday. She’d taken her meds on Tuesday, which JJ knew because he was the one who gave them to her, and she never missed a day, despite everything else she did to damage her health, even while battling a deadly illness that JJ had feared would take her life from the very beginning. The pills from Tuesday were missing from the morning, but the evening ones were still inside.

She’d started going downhill fast, turning a sharp corner before they could do anything to stop it, had refused to go back to the hospital until the very last minute. Once there, she spent a day declining right before their eyes. They knew there was nothing they could do; they couldn’t even make her comfortable, because she was never able to find true satisfaction from anything in life, not even death.

JJ knew she suffered, but he wasn’t surprised.

She may have been gone, but he wasn’t ready to erase every trace of her existence just yet. It felt like too much work. Even going into the fridge for breakfast felt like too much effort, so he didn’t. He stood by the counter, leaning forward to rest his elbows on it. He breathed into his hands as he used them to hold his head up.

Dad was gone, and he didn’t know what to do. The effects of the weed were beginning to fade off. The house was a mess, traces of his mom scattered in every corner. He thought about his friends in school, and he knew that if he checked his phone, he’d find the usual texts Pope and John B always sent when JJ ditched, but his phone died sometime after he got back from the hospital, and he couldn’t bother to charge it up again.

His stomach felt uneasy all of the sudden. Eating was also out of the question. It’s not like anything they had in the fridge would be appetizing, anyway. JJ moved from the counter, shut the blinds in the kitchen, did the same in the living room. The darkness was calming and easier on his pounding head, and he sat on the couch, feeling lost and confused as he nudged the front of his mom’s wheelchair with his foot.

He shouldn’t have felt that way, but there he was, and without his dad around, the feeling was practically suffocating, the loneliness unbearable.

He almost wished Luke would come home and beat him senseless.

Thanks to the storm that suddenly overtook the island, washing out any trace of the sun that had been shining just hours before, school had been let out early that day.

The clouds overhead were dark and threatening. JJ watched it both from his window and the news broadcast, hoping his friends were getting home safely, wondering if his dad was on his way home yet. Maybe, maybe not, but there was never a way to know for sure until Luke walked through the front door.

The isolation and solitude left JJ alone with his only company being the bottle in his hand and the news reporter on the television. She was standing on the road by the beach that also led to the Wreck. Unsurprisingly, in Kook territory, because no one went to the Cut unless they absolutely had to. No one except Kiara, anyway.

He was sitting there, contemplating what to do, when he heard the familiar sound of tires on the grass outside.

JJ perked up instantly, standing on shaky legs to peer out the window, but it wasn’t his dad, as he had thought. It was John B, closing the door to the Twinkie as he pulled his hood over his head. The rain was beating down on him, soaking him from head to toe. JJ watched him walk around the house, making his way to JJ’s bedroom window like he normally would when he came to the Maybank residence.

JJ heard the knocking on the window, and he should have known he couldn’t expect to go an entire day without answering his phone and then not receive a surprise appearance from John B. The kid was loyal like no other, and it was at times like that that JJ hated it more than ever. It was only when he wanted to be alone that John B’s persistence became even stronger, almost like he needed to know where JJ was and what he was doing at all times. In passing, JJ had found himself, on many occasions, wishing he could have been like Kiara, who had up and left them for the Kooks without barely a second thought.

The knocking suddenly started up behind JJ’s head, and he turned to find John B’s face in the window behind the couch, blurry through heavy drops of rain.

JJ huffed and collapsed back into the couch.

“JJ!” John B continued knocking. “JJ, come on! I’m getting soaked out here!”

JJ ignored him and rolled another blunt.

“JJ!”

The silence that followed was short, and then John B was at the front door. JJ watched from the couch as John B stuck his hand through the broken portion of the screen in the door, stuck his hand and his head inside, and glared at JJ. “Dude, you seriously gonna make me break into your house while you’re sitting right there?”

JJ shrugged, watching through cloudy eyes as John B did just that.

Finally, John B got on with it, reaching his hand down to the doorknob to twist the lock. With the door unlocked, John B retreated back outside and opened the door. He came inside a slopping mess of water and mud, leaving dirty prints on the floor.

He shrugged his coat off, tossed it on the back of a chair, and regarded JJ with a sigh. “Thanks. That was fun. I’ll, uh -” John B motioned to the door behind him. “I’ll fix that on my way out.”

JJ nodded, not caring either way.

“Your dad not home?”

JJ shook his head, pulling his feet onto the couch, bringing his knees to his chest. He curled his arms between his legs and his stomach, holding onto his cigarette with both hands, like it was made of glass.

John B sat on the coffee table across from him, elbows on his knees. “So, you’ve just been, like, here by yourself all day?” He eyed JJ up and down when JJ didn’t respond, or even bother to take the cigarette out of his mouth. “Uh oh. Quiet JJ. That’s never good.” He tried for a joke, a laugh, that JJ didn’t reciprocate. “What’s up?”

JJ blew smoke out at John B’s face, lips twitching into a smile when John B’s face twisted up in annoyance. John B waved the cloud away with his hands. “Not funny. Not cool. Tell me what’s up, JJ. Why weren’t you in school today?”

“Didn’t wanna go.”

“I can see that,” John B frowned. “You haven’t even gotten dressed.”

“Why would I get dressed if I wasn’t going to school?”

“Why didn’t you go to school?” John B sighed, frustrated. “And you haven’t answered your phone since yesterday, dude. You know you can’t do that.”

JJ knew. He knew how John B and Pope worried when he went MIA, when he stopped responding without any explanation or warning. He hadn’t talked to either of them since he got back from the hospital. He told them briefly what was going on before his phone tapped out. “Sorry. It died.”

John B raised a brow. “Yesterday?” JJ nodded. “Okay, well, we’ve been worried about you. Pope would be here, too, but his folks wanted him home before the storm got too bad. So, what - what happened with your mom? How is she?”

The mention of his mom sent JJ’s heart leaping into his throat. It had been a full day since she died, and he hadn’t talked to anyone about it yet. At first, he’d wanted to, but now that he’d become accustomed to the silence and isolation, he found that he liked it better that way; not talking about it was easier, as was dealing with it on his own.

He shrugged. “Fine. Better than ever, actually.”

And he meant that. His mother would be better off in death than she ever could in life. She was never satisfied here, had never been able to truly find something to live for. That was why she continued to smoke long after her cancer became metastatic, after it had spread to her lungs and she had to rely on a machine to breathe from time to time. She knowingly and willingly continued to inflict more and more harm on herself, knowing very well what she was doing to herself.

John B was caught off guard. His silence communicated as much. “Oh. Really? Wow. So, what - she - she’s doing better?”

“Better than ever.” JJ met John B’s eyes over his knees.

John B looked relieved, but hesitant. It was a strange combination that left his face looking like a warzone for his emotions. “But, she’s still not home? How long’s she gonna be gone for? Do you know?”

“No,” JJ shook his head. 

The lie came out easily. Pushing John B away was easier than opening up to him would be. Not healthy, but JJ had been locked inside his house all day, had gone through a pack of cigarettes in just a few hours, so he was already long beyond doing what would be considered good for him. He was beyond caring, too.

His mother’s memory was a haunting one; thinking of all of those things she did with him, the things she did to him. Her desperation for drugs brought her down some dark paths, and she brought him with her. It made sense, though, at the time, because she needed them, but Luke wasn’t bringing home enough for her to be able to afford to buy her own, so JJ did what he could do to help, even if it meant hurting himself in the process.

He stuffed those memories down and brought himself back to the present. His head felt far too foggy to be able to keep up with what John B was saying.

“You should lie down, bud. You don’t look like you’re feeling too hot,” John B said. He stood up, then sat at JJ’s side. The back of his hand was on JJ’s forehead a moment later. “Warm. Give me this.” He plucked the cigarette from JJ’s hand and snubbed it out in the ashtray. “Something tells me you’ve had more than enough of those today.”

JJ hummed in agreement, letting his head fall back onto the couch.

John B was frowning, every crinkle around his eyes etched deep into his face. “Why don’t you come back with me? My dad’s making dinner. Admittedly, I wasn’t gonna come over, but he made me. Figured I should check in on you. I didn’t even know if you’d be here or at the hospital, though, but - but I’m glad I came.”

“Your old man is usually right.”

“Hmm,” John B laughed. “Good point. So, what do you say?”

JJ gave in without much thought. He’d never before passed up an invitation to go to the Chateau, especially when dinner was being offered. He nodded only because it was getting late and after dinner, he could go to sleep.

He’d just have to do his best to avoid more questions from John B, however, it’s not like this was the kind of thing he could keep hidden forever.

JJ knew he had been acting off. He knew John B could tell. Big John was too preoccupied and distracted to notice, which was good, because the less people JJ had prying in on his business, the better.

It wasn’t until Shoupe came around on the Sunday evening two days after JJ came to stay at the Chateau that he knew he would have to tell them the truth. John B was going to be pissed. JJ knew that, too.

Shoupe’s arrival took Big John, who had let the other man in, by surprise. Understandably. He seemed shaken up, started rambling about how they’d just finished dinner, that they still had leftovers if Shoupe wanted any, and none of it really made sense to JJ or John B, but JJ knew that Shoupe was there for him.

“JJ?” Big John had questioned. “Yeah, he’s here. Always attached to my boy like a magnet. You know how they are.”

Shoupe laughed softly at that, understanding in his eyes. “I just wanted a word with JJ.” He glanced between the three of them. His gaze lingered on John B and Big John longer, until Big John clapped his son on the shoulder.

“Come on, Bird, let’s give -”

“No, wait, what’s going on?” John B cut in.

JJ decided that he didn’t want to be alone with Shoupe, no matter what happened. He didn’t want to feel exposed or cornered, suffocating as he was backed into a wall. He sat on the couch and said, “John B can stay.”

“Yeah, I’m staying.” John B, as loyal as ever.

It was almost tiring, because JJ knew he could never give in return what John B gave to him. He had so much loyalty and love, JJ didn’t know what to do with it all.

Shoupe appeared unsure, but he accepted that John B wouldn’t be going anywhere as Big John left the room, retreating down the hall to his bedroom. When it was just the three of them gathered in the living room - JJ and John B on the couch, Shoupe across from them on the table - Shoupe took a deep breath, taking off his hat.

“Ran into your dad today, JJ.”

JJ swallowed. He didn’t look at Shoupe. “Oh, yeah?”

“That’s right.” His voice lacked its usual bite, however harmless it usually was. Shoupe was more the type to say he was going to do something, than actually do it - like, for example, the time he said he was going to bring JJ down to the station the next time he caught him spray painting the unfinished construction projects on Figure Eight, which he had, but he simply let JJ off with a warning. “I’m sorry to hear about your mom, JJ.”

JJ glared down at his hands.

“Anyway, your dad said you weren’t at home today. Figured I’d find you here.”

“Why?” JJ looked up at the officer, finally. “Why waste your time?”

“I’m not wasting my time,” Shoupe argued with a sigh, wringing his hat between his hands. He looked almost, sort of nervous. His gaze softened on JJ, though. “It’s my job to make sure the people I serve are safe. That includes you.”

“Well, here I am. Safe and sound. So, I think that means you did your job.” JJ straightened up and looked Shoupe in the eye. “Shall I show you to the door?”

He felt John B’s hand land on his shoulder, warm and gentle. “J…” John B moved down onto the couch next to him, eyes open and honest. “Hey, just - just talk to him for a minute, alright? Can’t hurt, okay?”

JJ leaned back into the couch, into John B, arms crossed on his chest. He stared Shoupe down until the man spoke.

“I take it your dad hasn’t been around, has he?”

JJ stared.

John B sighed. “Not for a few days, no. He’s been staying here.”

“Right.”

The silence that came over them was tense and uncomfortable. JJ wanted to squirm, wanted to crawl out of his skin and over to the nearest cigarette or bag of weed that he could find, but he was stuck under John B’s protective arm.

“I’m sorry again, JJ.” Shoupe nodded his sincerity. JJ almost believed him, but it wasn’t enough to make up for years and years of slipping through the cracks like sand. Shoupe had been there through it all - the years of neglect, the abuse that literally showed on his skin every day, the poverty that his family lived in - and had done nothing. JJ could hardly stand to look at him, never mind breathe the same air as him. “I understand you and your mom had a rocky relationship, but losing a parent is never easy. Take it from someone who’s been there,” he said, as if that was supposed to help, or mean literally anything.

But that was it. The nail in the coffin. John B tensed at his side, his hand twitching on JJ’s shoulder.

JJ sucked in a breath and held it until his lungs ached. “I’m fine. No thanks to you.”

Shoupe nodded with a sigh of defeat. “Alright, well…if you need anything, you know where to find me.”

He let himself out, leaving John B and JJ alone.

JJ found himself down at the beach after that. John B didn’t want to talk to him. He locked himself in his room and wouldn’t let JJ in. He spent an hour relentlessly knocking, but John B never opened the door.

JJ could cry. He felt like he should; like he needed to and like he actually wanted to. But he didn’t allow it to happen. Not over this; not over his mother, the woman who left burns on his skin from her words, the woman who forgot about him because she had never loved him, the woman who sold him away when she was short on drugs.

The memory was the scars on JJ’s heart, the thing that kept him alive, but also felt like it was barely beating at times. He could never think of his mom without thinking about the things she did. If she hadn’t done all of that, he would have just told John B like a normal person, but then, he wasn’t normal, and neither was she.

John B might have been angry and disappointed, but JJ expected as much from himself. He gave up knocking because he knew he deserved to be shut out.

He laid down on the sand and looked up at the completely darkened night sky. He was there without a phone, and he knew that if he didn’t go back to the Chateau soon, John B would worry, despite his anger, but JJ didn’t care. It was more tempting to forget about everything else and pretend the only thing that existed was the ocean in front of him.

He could drown in it and no one would notice.

He sat up to look at it, watching the waves as they crashed towards him. It was tempting, not for the first time, but he worried about what everyone would think if he tried and failed? If he couldn’t even take his own life the right way…

“JJ?”

His mildly suicidal thoughts were cut short by a familiar voice; one he hadn’t heard in a while. It made him tense, made his heart race, brought the tears back forth to his eyes. He didn’t turn around, because he didn’t want her to see him like that.

“Jayj?”

She walked over to him and stood at his side, looking down at him. He closed his eyes, ducked his head, and hoped that the next time his heart beat, she would somehow magically be gone. She wasn’t.

He released a shaky breath and forced his eyes upward.

Kie frowned, eyebrows drawn tightly together, lips downturned. Immediately, she got down on her knees and put a hand on his shoulder. “JJ…hey, what’s going on?” Her voice was concerned, more than he had ever heard it before. “Are you alright?”

If she couldn’t tell that he most definitely was not alright, by any means, she must have been blind. Or stupid. He was sure he looked even worse than he felt at that moment, and that’s saying something.

He kept his eyes down. He didn’t know how he was supposed to even look at her, either, after the way she had abandoned them for Sarah Cameron, of all people, a spoiled rotten, good-for-nothing Kook. But that wasn’t Kie. Why did she even associate herself with them in the first place when she didn’t have to? No one was making her hang out with them after school hours, but she did, anyway, and it made no sense to JJ.

“JJ? Look at me. Talk to me,” Kie pleaded.

And he missed her terribly. It hurt like glass in his side, like a knife in his heart. The last time he watched her walk away from him like he was nothing.

A tear fell down his face and he barely felt a thing. “John B and I had a fight,” he said, squinting ahead of the ocean. “And my mom’s dead.”

“Wh -” Kie shook her head. “What?”

“Don’t make me say it again, Kiara.”

Kie was silent for a long, long moment. “I - JJ, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine, Kie.” He looked over at her, hoping she could see all that her betrayal had done to him. He’d trusted her, and she did the same thing everyone did when he put his faith in them. She was no different that day. “I’ll be fine. Without you. Just like I have been.”

But it had only been three months since she left, and the wounds were still fresh. Seeing her face around only made it worse, like a wound being reopened every time it had just begun to heal. It was annoying and frustrating, and he would know, because he had dealt with real wounds on his skin before and it happened all the time.

“JJ -”

“Kie, please,” JJ looked at her, desperate. “Just go.”

Without argument and only a second of hesitation, she got up and walked away. This time, he wisely chose not to watch her go.

He couldn’t deal with that again.

“Like… seriously, man? You weren’t even going to tell me?”

John B wasn’t angry anymore. JJ was, but only with himself. And his mom. And Kie. And just about every other person on this island.

John B swiped a cigarette out of his hand and waited for him to answer. “Of course, I was going to. I mean, I know I’m good, but I’m not that good.”

“Yeah, a master-secret-keeper. That’s what you are.”

JJ squinted at John B’s back as he turned around. “Well, thanks.” His lips twitched, and John B rolled his eyes. “Listen, I’m sorry. That wasn’t cool. I get it now, so - so you don’t have to keep sulking around and, like, being all moody.” JJ fidgeted with his restless hands on the surface of the kitchen table, antsy for a cigarette to keep himself busy.

“I’m not moody. You are.”

“Well, my mom’s dead, so I have an excuse.” JJ smirked a little at his own words, watching John B’s face shift.

“We should talk -”

“Nope.”

“JJ,” John B huffed. “This is serious. You can’t keep this all inside.”

“I…” JJ trailed off. “Am not.”

“Whatever,” John B rolled his eyes, dropping a glass of water onto the table in front of JJ. “Drink this. You’ve been smoking too much and not drinking enough. You’re gonna make yourself dehydrated.”

JJ couldn’t say that his friend was wrong. It was almost two p.m., and he hadn’t had water since the night before. He drank it in one go. It made him feel a little less cloudy, a little more with it.

He left without a word afterwards, leaving John B speechless and confused in the kitchen as JJ headed for the front door. He walked out just in time to find none other than the Deputy himself walking in JJ’s direction.

JJ stopped, his feet skidding on the dirt. “Shoupe?”

“JJ.” Shoupe greeted him kindly, unusually so. “Just who I was looking for.”

“Wonderful.” JJ approached the man with a grin. “What did I do this time?”

“It’s not you, it’s your dad.” Shoupe rested his hands on his belt, JJ’s eyes becoming drawn to his gun, and he wished he had one of his own. “He wants you home. Came down to the station and told me to find you, bring you back.”

The thought of going home to Luke, who had obviously been waiting, and not exactly patiently, at that, made JJ tense. He froze and his mind immediately descended into panic mode. The last place he wanted to be was home.

“Oh.” JJ looked up at the blue sky. “So, you came to drag me back?”

“I’m not going to drag you anywhere, JJ.” Shoupe shrugged, looking too casual in his fancy suit, with all of his shiny badges that meant nothing in the grand scheme of things; what did all of his accomplishments matter if kids like JJ were still falling victim to abuse every day? JJ wanted to rip them off and crush them under his feet, show Shoupe how he really felt about him. “You have a choice.”

“Do I? Since when? Since when does what I have to say matter to you?”

“Listen -” Shoupe started, his voice teetering between defeat and frustration. “I’m trying to help you, here, kid; give you an option, because, yes, you do have a choice. This is your life. No one gets to dictate it for you.”

JJ, feeling as defiant as he could ever be, only nodded.

“You can go home to your dad, or, if you’re not feeling particularly comfortable there, you can come back to the station with me and -”

“No. Absolutely not. Tried that before, in case you forgot.”

He walked around Shoupe, then, heading for his bike. Shoupe followed, lingering behind a few steps. “JJ!”

One of the worst parts about this, almost as worse as the actual abuse itself, was the fact that no one would just say it. Yes, his dad hit him, his dad kicked him, and punched him, and left him senseless and immobile on the ground for entire nights at a time sometimes, and everyone knew that, but no one would say it.

And JJ wasn’t about to, not until other people started caring enough.

So, it became an uncomfortable issue that he and Shoupe danced around constantly, avoiding it like a contagious disease. Shoupe didn’t want to say it, because he didn’t want to admit that he had failed before, that he was wrong before, and JJ could only watch it play out like a scary movie, knowing that the more time he spent under his dad’s roof, the greater his chances of never leaving this island alive became.

He got on his bike and started it up.

Shoupe stood off to the side. “JJ, just be careful, would you?”

“Yeah,” JJ said, breathlessly. “We’ll see about that.”

He was going to end up dead way before his time someday, he knew it, but it didn’t scare him. Maybe in death, he could finally find some peace.

The old place was a disaster. The mess was so large, JJ could barely walk through the front door.

Just the way he looked at it earned him a rough shove from his father, who was in the process of glaring death right into his soul and telling him he should have come home sooner, as if he had had any reason to in the first place.

“Why’d you trash the place?” JJ asked, feeling unusually brave.

But Luke was already on his way out the back door, so JJ took his chance.

“Was looking for some things.”

JJ followed him out the back door to the backyard, where there was a fire going in the pit. He stopped and watched his dad dump out a box of his mother’s jewelry, and other things, like her hairbrush, old magazines that she’d liked to read, and even some socks. They landed directly in the fire as Luke turned back to him and said, “Found ‘em.”

The smirk on his face, the empty look in his eyes, and the fact that he was burning his wife’s belongings made JJ’s stomach sink. Is this what he was supposed to come home for? Is this how his father expresses his pain?

“You sure this is -”

“What?” Luke interrupted, looking at JJ, who now stood at his side. “Who cares what it is or what it’s not. Your mom’s not here to stop me. And even if she was, it’s not like she’d be able. Bitch couldn’t even walk.”

JJ swallowed, his face hot. “Right.”

Luke slapped the back of his head, sending JJ’s head jerking forward, and JJ realized that that was all he needed to see to understand how his dad was handling this.

He sat down and watched his mom’s things burn, but her memory was still strong. He hadn’t been going to school, because John B had given up trying to force him out of bed early enough to make it for first period in the morning, so he had a lot more time to think about his mom and the kind of woman she was. He had too much time to think about the things she’d done to him; the things she’d inflicted upon him when he was a child.

The first time it happened, he was eight, long before her cancer diagnosis came. 

She had been living with chronic pain in her hips and her back for most of her life, but, instead of seeing a doctor about it, she sought out certain drugs that could take the pain away, and she used JJ as her pawn in this sick, twisted game, exchanging him for something that was much more valuable to her than he was. 

To those other people who used him and mistreated him that night, though, he was worth more than money. He could see it on their faces. But mom hadn’t had any money to give to begin with, as everything she earned from working immediately went to Luke.

But she did have JJ. Her only son, small, thin, and too overpowered to fight back, to do anything to stop it. He was eight the first time it happened, but he could still remember it like it was yesterday. It wouldn’t be the last time.

“Wipe that look off your face. I don’t need your judgment.”

JJ found that he was trembling when he came back to reality. The smoke suddenly felt too hot in his lungs, his heart beating far too fast in his chest. He wanted nothing more than to get out of there, but he couldn’t move.

He looked at Luke, swallowed, and nodded. Luke looked back at him, studied him for a moment, and then another rough shove came, leaving an ache in JJ’s shoulder. He watched his dad toss random things, one by one, into the fire as he struggled to fully come back to himself. He didn’t know why he thought thinking about his mom was a good idea. He didn’t know how he was able to convince himself that wasting so much time missing her and even caring that she was gone at all was smart, because it wasn’t.

“You hear me?” Luke asked, his voice rough. “I got enough going on.”

JJ knew now that Luke was just trying to get a reaction out of him, trying to rile him up, to make him fight back, but JJ was frozen. He felt like if he moved, he would throw up, or cry, so he dug his nails into his palm instead, finding momentary relief in the stinging sensation of blood drawing out of his skin.

Luke turned around with a sigh, and JJ watched the flames dance.

He sped up the process of getting himself together again, haphazardly shoving all of the tiny broken pieces of himself into whatever empty spaces he could find, rather than putting them back together one by one, in the places that they belonged. The unorganized, careless nature of it all left him feeling shaky and unsteady, and he instantly knew he wouldn’t be able to calm down without a cigarette or a drink.

Once he could speak again, he looked at the back of his dad’s head. “Why did you want me to come back?”

Luke nodded as he poked the fire with a stick. “You don’t pick up your phone, boy.”

It was true. JJ had been ignoring his dad on purpose. “You - you called?”

“Just about used up all the battery on my phone trying to get ahold of you.” Luke grumbled something into the face of the fire, then said, “Funeral is on Sunday. I don’t want you showing up there drunk or high, or nothing, you hear me? You’ll have hell to pay if you do.”

And JJ knew he meant it. What he didn’t know was why.

His silence spurred Luke to continue, “Some of the family’s gonna be there. Her side. Your aunts, their kids, your grandmother.”

JJ felt his blood turn to ice. The last thing he wanted was to meet his grandmother. He had never seen her before, but he knew she was like his mom. “Oh.”

“You hear me? You find something nice to wear. Make yourself presentable. You’re almost a grown man. It’s about time you started acting like one.”

JJ dropped his bike on its side once he made it back to the Chateau, not caring if it got scratched or dented. He figured John B would be waiting for him, because he wasn’t gone too long, so he barged right inside, the door hitting the wall behind it as it flew open.

He went straight for his and John B’s room, grabbed the cigarettes from the drawer, and lit one up just as John B came hurrying down the hall and into the bedroom after him. 

JJ sat on the bed, cigarette between his lips, the tension in his bones immediately turning into dust and floating away. He closed his eyes and soaked up the feeling, hoping it would also ease the pounding behind his eyes.

“J?”

How long had he been sitting there, with John B watching him? He didn’t know. All that mattered was that he felt a lot better now.

He kept his eyes closed, the lights still a bit too bright. He wished John B could read his mind so that he would shut all the curtains, too. “Yeah?”

“You okay?”

“Mhm,” JJ nodded sincerely. “Much better now.”

When he opened his eyes, he found not only John B looking back at him, but Pope, and under different circumstances, JJ would have been glad to see him, but his brain felt too fuzzy and unorganized to enjoy Pope’s presence. “What’s Pope doing here?”

John B stepped aside, letting Pope into the room.

“Ask him yourself,” Pope said, coming over to the bed. He sat down beside JJ and studied him carefully; almost critically, from JJ’s point of view. “I wanted to see you. We haven’t talked in, like, weeks, man. What’s that all about?”

Oh, right. He had been avoiding Pope.

“And why did I have to find out from John B that your mom died?”

“Hey, I had to find out from Shoupe,” John B interjected, and JJ couldn’t help but laugh. “Not funny. He thinks it’s funny, but it’s not.”

“It’s definitely not,” Pope agreed, and JJ felt cornered, so he rolled his eyes. “JJ, John B said you -”

JJ sighed, loud enough to cut Pope off. “Right, I’m sure John B has said a lot about me. Of course, he had the decency to wait until after I left, though. Wasn’t that nice of him?”

“JJ, I was just filling him in,” John B said, quick to defend himself, but JJ didn’t want to hear it. “As far as he knew, you’d just ghosted him for no reason.”

Gentler, Pope said, “But it’s fine, alright? Water under the bridge. I know you’re going through a tough time right now, so I want to help. That’s the only reason I’m here.”

JJ stared long and hard at John B’s traitorous face before jumping up from the bed and storming out of the room. He’d been in enough situations in his lifetime to hate the feeling of being trapped, closed in, backed into a corner. He knew his friends would never hurt him, but the feeling would, it did, and that was exactly how he was beginning to feel, so he did the one thing he knew how to do best - leave.

But the Chateau was not spacious by any means, so the two of them were hot on his heels. John B came first, then Pope.

“Hey!” Pope grabbed his arm and stepped in front of him. “Just talk to me, JJ, or at least look at me. John B said you haven’t been handling it well, which makes sense. I’m not here to judge.”

“Then what do you want?”

“I want to see my friend. You, JJ.” Pope dropped his arm. “You’re my friend, and you’re going through some stuff right now, and I’ve missed you.”

The words touched at JJ’s heart, peeled away the rough scar tissue a little bit, and he could almost see through his anger, his pain, every emotion he’s had buried away since that night when he was eight years old and a very, very strong man pinned him down on a bed and nearly crushed him to pieces. That was what was on JJ’s mind, and he couldn’t get it out of his head. “And you also want to help? What stopped you from coming around before?”

“I’ve tried.” Pope glanced back at John B. “He said to give you space, but it’s been long enough, so I’m here.”

“Yes,” JJ laughed humorlessly, bringing the cigarette to his lips. “You definitely are.”

“Okay,” Pope sighed. He dropped himself onto the arm of the couch and sighed. “Fine. You wanna be like that, then be like that. What do I care.”

JJ nodded, wondering what exactly it was Pope was expecting. Sympathy? Guilt? A freaking hug or something? No. Not today. “Good,” JJ mumbled, turning away and heading into the kitchen. He could feel their eyes on him. “I need to be alone, anyway.”

A moment later, John B was at his side. “Hey, I don’t think you should be alone right now. Just - you and Pope don’t have to talk, just stay here.”

“It’s probably best I head out.”

John B turned to Pope. “No, Pope, come on -”

“No, clearly, he doesn’t want me here. Doesn’t wanna see me.” He looked at JJ for a moment longer, his gaze lingering in the hopes that JJ would just look at him, even for a second, and see that all he wanted to do was be there for his friend, but JJ kept his back to him, seemingly cold and apathetic, but Pope knew that meant he was only hurting more. But it didn’t matter. The cold shoulder burned, especially from JJ.

John B ran a hand through his hair. “Pope - JJ -” He turned to JJ and grabbed his elbow, forcing JJ to face him. “JJ, come on. Don’t make him leave.”

“His choice. Not mine.”

That did it. Pope grabbed his things and left, the door slamming behind him.

When it was quiet once more, John B left the room with a sigh, retreating down the hall to his room, the door shutting softly after him.

JJ stood in the kitchen, and he had never felt more alone in his life.

JJ spent the next three days at home.

Luke wasn’t there, and JJ didn’t know where he had gone, but he knew he was supposed to be in Wilmington by three o’clock to meet his mom’s side of the family for the funeral. He wasn’t looking forward to it. He hoped it wasn’t open casket.

He’d already called his dad more times than he could count on two hands, sent multiple texts. Each call went unanswered, each message unread. JJ sat with a pit of worry in his gut, because he knew this - making a good impression - was important to Luke. For him to not be answering his phone hours before the funeral was odd, especially when he had been all up in JJ’s business the last few days about doing just that.

And JJ intended to. 

If there was one thing he was looking forward to, it was showing his evil grandmother and her wicked spawn, and their wicked spawn, that he had turned out to be something of a sort-of-well-functioning-young-man. Maybe it was more credit than he should have been giving himself, but they would never know, because they had never seen him before, and they would never see him again after his mother was laid in the ground.

He debated calling again before deciding that he had wasted enough time this morning already. His best bet was that Luke had made a pit stop in the bar along the way to pick up their suits, which he had left to do last night, however, he had yet to return. It wasn’t as concerning as it was frustrating, because JJ knew his dad.

He left around nine o’clock on his bike, racing it down to the marina. He looked around a bit for familiar graying hair and steel blue eyes, but before he could find his dad, he found Shoupe, so he ducked out of there before the man could notice him.

He looked all over the Cut for any sign of his father before ending up bordering Kook territory. As he stood on the dividing line, his worst fear was that he would run into the nightmare that was Rafe Cameron, or that Topper guy with the face that JJ wished he could mess up a little bit, because it seemed just too perfect to be real, or tolerable.

There was one place on Figure Eight that Kooks and Pogues occasionally mixed, and it was the last place JJ wanted to go if he ever found himself in Kook territory. The Wreck. He would most likely run into Kiara there, and he hadn’t seen her since that night she found him nearly in tears on the beach.

Embarrassing. Humiliating. He never wanted to show his face again.

Sure enough, once inside, she was there, working behind the register. The bells rang above the door when he entered, and hers was the first face he found as he stood there, feeling entirely out of place, as if his DNA just knew that he didn’t belong there.

But Kiara looked pleased to see him.

“JJ?” Her steps were quick as she approached him, eyes wide and shocked. “JJ, what are you doing here?”

“Looking for my dad.” He assessed her quickly. “You seen him?”

“Your dad?” she asked, thinking aloud as she glanced around the room. “Uh, no. No, he hasn’t been in. Why? Is he alright?”

JJ ran a hand over his face and took a deep breath. “Remember when I told you my mom died?”

Kiara frowned, but nodded.

“Well, her funeral’s in, like, literally six hours, and I have no idea where he is.”

“Oh. Huh.” Kiara stuffed her hands in the back pockets of her shorts. “Well, that’s not, like, unusual, is it?”

JJ shook his head. “Uh, no. Nope. Uh -” He swallowed and smiled just to be polite. “Well, I should go. Thanks.”

He went to say, ‘see you around,’ but he didn’t think he would.

“Wait!” Kiara shouted. People sitting at nearby tables stopped to look at her. “Hey, uh - sorry, I didn’t mean to shout, I just didn’t want you to leave before I could say something else.”

“I’m standing literally three feet away, Kiara.”

“Okay.” She looked down at her feet and laughed nervously, then lifted her head and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “Uh, I was thinking, maybe, we could talk? If you want? I - I’ve been wanting to reach out, ever since that night we saw each other, but I didn’t know if I should, but now that you’re here…”

JJ considered her words, considered her betrayal, considered how much he still missed her, even though she’d hurt him. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Kie smiled, bright and wide. JJ nodded. “Okay, just - I’ll meet you outside, alright? Just a second.”

Five minutes later, they were standing by JJ’s bike. Kiara was leaning against the wall of the restaurant as JJ sat on his bike. The sun was hot, any sort of breeze nonexistent. JJ wanted to be in the water, not on the side of a steamy building.

“I don’t have a lot of time. Ferry leaves at ten-thirty.”

“I wanted to say I’m sorry,” Kie blurted out. “I just wanted to finally say it, because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since I saw you on the beach, and - and I realized that…that I used to know you. You, Pope, and John B. Like all of the things you had going on in your lives, you would tell me about, and - and now your mom just died, and I had no idea. And seeing you, talking to you, even if it was only for a minute, made me realize how much I’ve missed that, and you. All of you. And I’m so, so sorry, JJ. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me, but I just had to get that out, so…”

It was almost too good to be true, so much that he hardly believed it was true at first. He’d been waiting for months for an apology, something to reassure him that what they had was real and special like he had thought it was; that she wasn’t as cold as she had seemed when she left them for the Kooks that day. It was the comfort he needed, and now that he got it, the weight lifted off of him was indescribable.

It was almost as if it could make everything better, fix the last three months without leaving even a scratch behind. If only…but it was better than nothing.

He stood up and went to her. She straightened up, looking him in the eye.

As he got closer, her eyes filled with tears and her bottom lip trembled. “I’m so sorry,” she said again in a broken whisper. JJ’s heart broke with it.

“Hey, come on,” he said, pulling her in tight against his chest, protecting her with his arms. “It’s fine. It’s all good now. It’s all good.”

She hugged him back, her hands bundling up the back of his shirt. Her shoulders shook, her tears wetting his shoulder. He didn’t mind.

After a minute or two, he pulled back and lifted her head, hands cupping her cheeks. She still looked unsure, as if his forgiveness was also too good to be true. “Hey.”

She laughed breathlessly. “Hey.”

“Feeling better now?”

“I think so, yeah.” She released a breath through her nose and wiped at her tears. “I’ve missed you so much. I - I’ve missed your hugs. Like that. You know, John B once told me there’s nothing like a JJ hug, and he was right.”

JJ hummed thoughtfully. “A JJ hug? That a thing now?”

“It’s always been a thing.”

JJ smiled.

“Thank you,” she then said, voice soft.

JJ felt like he was carrying precious gold in the form of her vulnerability, of her trust in him, and he could not, would not, break it. “I’ll always be here for you, Kie.”

“I’m Kie again?”

“What?”

“All this time, you’ve been calling me Kiara. But you just said Kie.”

“Oh, sure,” JJ nodded, slinging an arm over her shoulders as he walked with her. “Yeah, you’re Kie again. For sure.” 

She put her arm around his back and laughed. The moment was amazing until it ended, until the smile left her face. “I know you have to get going. I don’t want you to miss the ferry. But I’m glad we got a minute to, you know, do that.”

“Yeah.” JJ squinted at her through the sun in his eyes. “We communicated. Look at us go.”

“Ha ha,” Kie rolled her eyes. “Seriously. You have to go if you want to get to the ferry on time.”

She was right, and he hated it. He’d never cared about his dad less than in this moment, when all he wanted to do was be by Kie’s side, make up for the last three months. “I know.”

“When do you get back?”

“We planned on staying a few days. Maybe Friday.”

“Friday?” Kie sighed. “Alright, well, maybe - maybe we can FaceTime while you’re gone? Or just text, or whatever. I’m sure you’ll be busy with your family.”

JJ chuckled. “Family? More like spawns of the devil.”

“JJ, you haven’t even met them. Give them a chance.”

“Dude,” JJ sat down on his bike and looked up at her. “My grandmother is just like my mom, so I’ve been told. Even my mom didn’t like her, and that’s saying something.”

Kie laughed. “Wow. Shocker. I guess the devil doesn’t like his equal.”

“No, not at all.” JJ tried for a smile, but this wasn’t something he wanted to joke about, so he let it drop there, and in the silence that followed, he got an idea. He stood up and went to Kie, grabbing her arms with a smile. “Kie?”

She smiled, clearly perplexed. “JJ?”

“Come with me. Come on, we’ve always talked about going to the mainland together. Now we finally can!”

“JJ, it’s your mother’s funeral,” Kiara interjected. 

JJ rolled his eyes. “So, what? She wouldn’t want me there, anyway.”

“Well, you’re going.” She paused, studying his face. “But…you shouldn’t have to go alone. I mean, I know you won’t be alone alone, but you should have someone to, you know, stand next to you and comfort you if things get hard.”

JJ nodded. “And who better than you? You’re great at comforting people, and it just happens that I’m feeling very sad today.”

“Aww,” Kiara reached up and pinched his cheek. “Poor, little you. We can’t have that.”

“So, what do you say?”

“I’m in. I’ll always be in.” She nodded. “But I have to ask my parents.”

“Screw your parents!”

Kiara grabbed onto his shoulders, steadying him. “JJ, they’re my parents.” She laughed softly, shaking her head fondly. “But I’ll come up with something. No way they’ll let me go if I tell them I wanna go to my friend’s mother’s funeral.”

“Sounds fun to me.” JJ shrugged.

“Yeah, well, you’re not a middle-aged married couple living on Figure Eight.”

“But your dad was a Pogue.”

“I’ll talk to them, but don’t worry, I’ll be there.”

JJ believed her, so he nodded and grabbed his helmet off his bike. “Ferry in half an hour. See you there.”

Then he took off, watching her wave through the mirror as he sped down the road.

JJ was enjoying his time with Kie greatly until he remembered what they were doing; well, until it really hit him. He’d had very little time to prepare for her death, and now he was given even less time to prepare for her funeral.

He couldn’t imagine what it was going to be like - a bunch of people gathered around her body, saying all of these nice things about her? The more he thought about it, and the closer they got to the mainland, the more he found himself doubting his ability to sit through the entire thing without feeling like he was going to be sick.

What would his dad say if he just ditched the whole thing? Would it even matter if he showed up at all if his dad wasn't there, either? Because, at this point, Luke has already missed the ferry, so there was a chance he might not make it to the funeral, as well. JJ clung on to that thread of hope.

When the ferry docked, JJ was the first to get out of his seat and drag Kie after him. He had a tight grip on her hand as he led them to solid ground, feeling dizzy and yet again in need of a cigarette. Like, a massive cigarette that could last him the entire day. He couldn’t help but wonder what his grandmother would do if he showed up smelling like smoke and ash. Part of him wanted to find out, wanted to do it, just to make her skin crawl; to get the reaction out of her that he was never able to get from his stone-faced mother.

“Hey, slow down.” Kie grabbed his shoulders and steadied him, her face softening as she looked at him. “What’s the matter?”

JJ looked down as her hands left his shoulders and clasped around his hands. “I don’t know - I think this was a bad idea, Kie. I don’t mean us coming here together, but, you know, the whole funeral thing.”

“Well, that’s what usually happens after people die, you know?” Kie’s lips quirked, but the smile didn’t reach her eyes. “Look, it’s gonna be alright, J. That’s why I’m here. I’ll be right by your side the whole time. Promise.”

“I know,” JJ nodded. If he had to go to this funeral at all, he was going to do it with her at his side. He couldn’t do it otherwise, and he didn’t know how he ever thought he could. “I know. I know.”

“JJ -” Kie’s hands came to his face next, her palms against her jaw. “Take a deep breath, yeah? You’re okay. Everything’s fine.”

JJ tried to do what she said, but he was dizzy and he couldn’t catch his breath. He felt her helping him down until he was sitting on the ground and she was at his side, the weight off of his legs making it easier to think for a brief moment.

He was on a high when he invited Kie to come along with him, but now it was all crashing down. He had forgotten, for the briefest time in his life, what this meant; the finality that came with burying someone. He would never get to ask his mother why she did the things she did to him, or how she could just sit by and watch it happen like it was no big deal, like he wasn’t her son, like he wasn’t eight years old and being molested by an older guy.

It never took much to go back there, to forget that he was now fifteen and that that hadn’t happened in over a year. He could be fine one second, and then right back in that room the next. Even when he buried it down, it was always there, dark memories in his mind, the scars that littered his heart, the blemishes on his skin.

He had never needed to be told that he wasn’t worth much. That first night, he knew without it needing to be said, and every time he looked into his mother’s eyes after that, he would remember just how little he meant to her and dad.

He squeezed his eyes and hit whatever was behind him with the back of his head. He heard Kie gasp his name, and then felt her hand on his hair, her fingers ghosting over the spot on his head that was now sore and throbbing. “JJ, look at me. Please, JJ, what - I don’t know what’s happening. What can I do?”

He shook his head and dragged himself back through the muddy waters to reality. He was as fine as he could be. He didn’t need her to do anything. “Sorry.” He took her wrist in his hand and gently pulled her arm down. “Sorry, Kie.”

“What happened? Was that a - a panic attack or something?”

“No,” he said. He’d had plenty of those before, and he knew that wasn’t one of them. If it was going to happen, he would have felt the familiar signs, but all he’d felt then was a terrifying feeling of detachment and fear. “I’m sorry, I’m fine -”

“No, you’re not,” Kie argued. “Maybe, you were right. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.”

He lifted his head and frowned at her.

“The funeral, I mean,” she clarified. “You don’t have to go. It’s not an obligation, especially after the way your mom treated you.”

JJ nodded tiredly. “I have to. My dad -”

“Who cares what your dad thinks -”

“I care, Kie, because I can’t make him mad.” JJ stood up, moving away from her. He started walking, and she followed after him. “If I make him mad, he’ll either kick me out or beat me ‘till my eyes are swollen shut. You know how he is, and - and, besides, he’s all I got left, so I can’t risk it.”

“What about John B? You’re always at the Chateau more than you’re ever with your dad.” Kie’s steps were quick behind him until she reached his side. “Why not just make it official? Move in? Big John loves you, he’d be glad to have you. Then, you can get away from your dad. Forget about him altogether.”

It was a good idea, spoken from the mouth of someone who had never been in his position before; someone who had a stable home and loving parents, who couldn’t even begin to imagine what his life had been like, and what it was still like.

If only it were that simple, but he can never escape Luke. He got lucky when his mom died. That was all it was. Luck. 

“No, Kie.”

Kie grabbed his arm and stopped him. “Fine. I get it. It’s complicated and I don’t understand. Okay?” Kie’s eyes were earnest and open, like John B’s. “I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, you don’t get it,” JJ said. He wasn’t angry. He was drained and exhausted from all of this. “And, believe me, I wish it was that simple, but it’s not, so I have to just - show my face at this funeral. That’s it. I’ll just go, stand in the back -” JJ took a deep breath. “And mind my own business. Then, we’ll be out of there.”

Kie nodded. “Okay, and I’ll be right there with you the whole time.”

‘JJ where are you?’

‘Are you okay?’

‘Whats going on man? Why’s your house empty?’

The texts came in one after the other, hitting JJ like a slap across the face with each vibration from his phone. He was still feeling shaky and on edge, even after two hours, and he didn’t want to respond, but he knew he should, otherwise John B would start to worry, and then he’d call Pope and tell him something was wrong, and it would become a whole mess that JJ would honestly much rather just avoid.

It had been three days already since he and Pope sort of had their first fight as friends, and the silence on JJ’s end had stretched on long enough. He used his free hand to type a quick, albeit vague, response. ‘Wilmington. Be back Friday.’

Kiara huffed out a sigh at his side. “Give me that.”

With the hand that wasn’t holding his phone, he handed her his tie.

“No one ever taught you how to tie a tie?” she asked, eyebrows raised.

“Who would have? My dad?” He didn’t look up at her, keeping his eyes on his phone, staring at the timestamp displayed, which meant John B had seen his message.

Kiara shrugged as she folded it over the back of his neck and began tying it over his chest. “Big John, maybe? Pope wears ties, doesn’t he?”

JJ sighed. John B still hadn’t said anything. “I’ve never even worn a suit before, like, right now, Kie, so…”

Finally, a response came through from John B’s end, ‘Why?’

JJ chuckled. John B was either pissed or just plain confused. Or both.

‘Pope and I are here at your place, all lights are off. Where’s your dad?’

“Pope?” JJ whispered, brows furrowing. Of course, Pope was there.

“Pope?” Kiara repeated, then patted his chest. “You’re all set, Mr. I’ve-never-even-worn-a-suit-before-like -”

“Yeah, okay, I get it.” JJ stepped around her as she laughed. He studied himself in the mirror, decided he didn’t look half as bad as he thought he would. He almost thought that if Luke were there, the man would even be pleased with his appearance. The most important thing was that he didn’t look stoned, and he didn’t, so it was an automatic win on his part.

“Looking good,” Kiara complimented. She grinned at him through the mirror, then looked at her phone. “It’s two. We gotta get going.”

“Yeah,” JJ agreed, following her out of the room. He waited as she paid for everything, and on their way, he tried to tell her that he would pay her back, but she wouldn’t hear it. Still, he decided that he was going to do it - somehow.

They caught a taxi, sliding side by side into the back. JJ could feel his nerves mounting with every turn the driver took that ultimately brought them closer to their destination. He could feel Kiara’s hand on his shoulder, her thumb moving up and down comfortingly. He hadn’t smoked a cigarette in days specifically for this occasion, and now he was starting to regret it. All he’d needed to do was smoke before he put on his suit, and he would have been fine. That massive cigarette suddenly sounded very good in his mind.

He checked his phone again, seeing new texts from John B and, no surprise, Pope. He debated over whether or not it was even worth responding in the first place before he started typing. He didn’t bother reading any of the messages, because he knew what they would say, so he figured, why not save himself the time. 

‘Mom’s funeral is at 3. Sorry I didn’t tell you before.’ They deserved more than that, but he didn’t want to go into detail now.

The message sent to their group chat, and then he shoved his phone in his pocket, where he planned on keeping it for the rest of the day.

His grandmother looked just as he had expected her to - sickly, a bit overweight, and stern. She had many wrinkles around her eyes and frizzy red hair that was graying at the roots. She seemed to have a permanent scowl on her face, and it made JJ afraid to go anywhere near her, because she reminded him too much of his mother.

He grabbed Kie by the hand and dragged her to the very end of the last row. The church was small, but even so, it wasn’t even halfway filled. There weren’t, it seemed, many people who would take the time out of their day to attend his mom’s funeral, and for the people who did show up, they looked like they would rather be anywhere else.

JJ couldn’t blame them. He was no different, after all.

The priest went up and said a few words, as did a few people who were apparently his cousins. It wasn’t until his grandmother went up that she noticed him in the back for the first time, and something in her scowl shifted, her face twisting into some incomprehensible that filled JJ with the desire to run, the unmistakable feeling that he was not welcome here, because he was not one of them.

He was the distant, unapproachable member of the family, the only one who never bothered to call and check in with his grandmother, the one who stayed away because he didn’t want to get involved with them and their mess, the one who just didn’t care to get to know his mother’s side of the family, so he never bothered trying. His presence here was unwanted, and everyone who looked at him knew it, including Kie.

Her hand tightened around his, but all he could see were his mother’s cold, dead eyes in his grandmother’s face. They looked exactly alike. It gave him chills. To ground himself, he squeezed Kie’s hand back.

At the end of the service, one of his mother’s sisters came up to him and Kie in the back, looking and sounding every bit like a country woman. She sat down, made small talk with them, and he found out that she lived in Oklahoma City with her three daughters, two stepsons, and her new husband, but that wasn’t why she was here. 

JJ could see in her eyes that she couldn’t have cared less about small talk, that she didn’t want to get to know him; no, she wanted to remind him of his place, and that no matter where he stood, he was not part of their family.

“Is that supposed to be, like, an insult or something?” JJ asked when she gave him the not-so-shocking news. “‘Cause, like, if I were you, I’d be jealous of me.”

“Well, that’ll be your problem, honey, not mine,” she said in a sickly-sweet voice, her hand on his shoulder. “At least I have a family.”

“Okay, woah, lady!” Kie stood up, hands outspread as if she was getting ready to fight. “Take a step back. You have no right to speak to him like that.”

His aunt had no trouble hiding her dislike of him, even though she had only just met him. “He does not have a place in this family. He lost that right a long time ago.”

“You don’t even know me,” JJ spat, her words turning his blood to ice. “And who gave you the right to decide?”

“It wasn’t my decision; it was my mother’s.”

“Oh.” JJ glanced at his grandmother, jaw clenched. “So, there’s, like, a hierarchy in this family or something? I bet you just can’t wait to make it to the top, can you? Well, good news, you probably won’t have to wait long. Your dear mother looks like she might drop dead any day now.”

His aunt sighed, her face lips twisting into a frown. “If you’re going to become hostile -”

“Hostile?”

A voice bellowed out from behind JJ before he could even think of a response and he spun around on his heels to see Luke on his way over to them, dressed in nothing but the clothes he had on the the night before and a pair of mismatched sneakers. Only one of the shoes belonged to him.

JJ tensed and pulled Kie out of the way, keeping her behind him. Luke approached them and clapped JJ hard on the shoulder, but he wasn’t looking at him. “Hostile?” he repeated. “Now, come on, Mary-Ann, my boy, here, isn’t hostile. He’s just saying it how it is, isn’t that right, JJ?”

Mary-Ann’s posture stiffened, her shoulders tight, her jaw clenched, eyes narrowed. “Luke,” she greeted coldly. “And, here, I thought you’d be rotting in jail by now.”

“I wish I could say it’s good to see you, Mary-Ann.”

“I find that hard to believe. As I was just saying to your son, here, he has no place in this family.” Mary-Ann looked between them, eyebrows raised. Out of the corner of his eye, JJ could see his grandmother watching on. “The same applies to you.”

JJ watched his dad nervously; his dad, who was clearly drunk, who could barely stay steady on his two feet, and JJ, for the first time in his life, wasn’t even mad about it. Seeing his dad the way he was made him wish he was the same way, just so he could piss his family off a little bit more than he could sober. The only problem with that would be that he would probably forget about it the next day.

“You making all the decisions now? Your mama ain’t dead yet, is she?”

“JJ.”

He felt a tug on his hand Mary-Ann took a step closer to Luke. JJ had to tear his eyes away from the scene in front of him to look back at Kie. “Hey, I think we should get out of here,” she said, clearly uneasy. “You came, you did your part, we can go now.”

“But -”

“JJ,” Kie pleaded, her eyes wide and vulnerable, and JJ knew he couldn’t say no, not if she was uncomfortable and didn’t want to be there.

“Okay. Come on.”

So, the funeral went just as he should have expected it to. His dad, drunk. His grandmother, just as cold as she was in his bedtime stories. The rest of his family, taking after her like she was the Queen and they were her servants. It was all pathetic, really, and it made him sick to think that he had any blood relation to them at all.

He sat on a bench outside, taking Kie down with him, and he decided then and there that he didn’t want to be there another second longer than he had to be.

As if she could read his thoughts, she tilted her head and said, “Home?”

And he nodded, desperate for the familiar place he knew; the only place of comfort and security that he’d ever known in his life.

The Chateau, with John B and Big John. There was nowhere else he’d rather be.

He arrived worn out and exhausted, fingers itching to have a cigarette between them. The Twinkie was parked out front and the lights were on inside. It was dark and humid, but the Chateau was as welcoming as ever. He parked his bike and got off, helping Kie off after him. She decided she would stay the night since her parents weren’t expecting her back until Friday, anyway. She could stay all week if she wanted to.

“Weird being back here,” she said, her hand in his as they walked to the door.

JJ opened the door and led them inside. From the couch, John B and Pope turned around as the door closed behind them.

John B stood first. He saw Kie, but his focus was on JJ. “JJ, dude!” He hurried over to them and pulled JJ in for a hug. “Why -” He pulled back, shaking his head. “How many times do I have to tell you that you can’t just disappear? We’ve talked about this! I go over to your house after you go MIA for three days and you’re not even there. You know I worry -”

“John B.” JJ grabbed his friend’s shoulders, forcing him to stop. “Chill out, would you?”

John B blinked a few times, his lips moving as no words came out.

“I need to sit down,” JJ said, weak on his feet as he pushed past John B.

“Are you okay?”

“Head is killing me.”

“Yeah, we had a, uh…eventful day,” Kie explained.

“Wait -” John B pointed at Kie as JJ collapsed onto the couch. “What is she doing here?”

“It’s all good, John B.” JJ laid down, closing his eyes tightly. “Relax, for once in your life. Think you can manage that?”

“But she’s here, and - and when did you guys make up?”

Kie laughed. “It’s good to see you, too, John B.”

JJ tried to block out the noise, but he could still hear the three of them talking, could sense the moment they all went in for a group hug, and then someone was at his side a few minutes later, poking him relentlessly until he opened his eyes.

A lit blunt dangled between Pope’s fingers. He smiled tentatively. “A peace offering. Just the way you like it.”

JJ studied Pope for a moment, then smiled. “Thanks, man. You always know.”

Pope nodded and hummed. “Glad you’re back.”

The smoke burned his lungs when he inhaled, but it relaxed his mind in the best way. A few more breaths and he felt like he’d reached the ideal level of floatiness, balancing unsteadily between being awake and asleep.

He nodded with a glance in Pope’s direction. “You’re the best, dude,” he said. “I’m serious. Forget all that other crap I said before. You’re the best. Like, no one on this Earth is better than you. And you know what? I’m making today Pope Appreciation Day, ‘cause you’re just that good.”

“Thanks, JJ,” Pope laughed. “And I’m sorry, too, for just, you know, storming out.”

“You did the right thing,” JJ said. “I was being difficult, I get it. I wouldn’t have been able to stand me, either.”

Pope’s face fell, his eyes turning sad. “Hey, don’t say things like that. That’s not what I was thinking. At all.”

JJ eyed him warily with a sigh. He didn’t have to respond, because then John B and Kie were coming over to them, arms over each other’s shoulders, and they looked so happy and so natural together that JJ almost forgot they hadn’t spoken to Kie in months; that she hadn’t been a part of their group in all that time.

They sat down, Kie on the table beside Pope, John B on the couch after he lifted JJ’s legs up to make room for himself. JJ settled back in with his feet on John B’s lap, letting his friends’ conversation drift over him as he tried to kill off the tension in his bones.

“So, was it a complete disaster or just a disaster?” John B asked. JJ could feel all eyes on him. He wished Kie would just say it so that he didn’t have to.

But they wanted to hear from him. He’d been closed-off and vague about his mother’s death since the beginning, and it wasn’t Kie’s responsibility to speak on his behalf just because he didn’t want to. And if it was hard to talk about his mom, then, so what? He’d have to get over it eventually.

“Depends,” he started with a shrug. “Would you call my dad showing up one hundred percent wasted an hour late a complete disaster or just a disaster?”

John B scoffed. “That couldn’t have blown over well.”

“Well, we got out of there before the worst of it.” JJ stopped and thought for a moment. “I bet someone called the cops eventually.”

“There really wasn’t any reason to stay,” Kie added. “No one even wanted him there.” She looked at him and smiled sadly. JJ avoided her eyes. “And, besides, he had nothing to prove to them. Doesn’t owe them anything. There was no point being here.”

“Yeah, dude,” John B squeezed his knee. “She’s right. Why worry about them when you got us?”

“Right,” JJ mumbled around a heavy breath in his chest.

He let them go on talking without him. He let John B swipe the blunt from his hand without complaint, and then curled onto his side. He fell asleep shortly after to the sound of Kie’s laughter and Pope’s quiet voice.

JJ was the first to fall asleep and the last to wake.

Everything sounded the way it did in the minutes before he went to sleep the previous night, Kie’s laughter, Pope’s voice, but he could also hear John B in the kitchen now, too, pots and pans clanging from across the room. JJ blinked at the bright sunlight ahead of him before craning his neck back to see what was going on, what he had missed.

All he saw was Kie taking over John B’s place at the oven as John B stepped back in surrender, letting her finish what he had started. Whatever he had tried to make, in true John B fashion, was now burning. JJ could hear Pope saying something about the smoke detector as he motioned toward the ceiling where it was.

He was watching Pope when John B noticed him. JJ’s eyes drifted to John B as he made his way over to the couch where JJ lay. “It was the smell, wasn’t it?” John B joked, sitting by JJ’s curled legs. “That woke you up?”

“John B burned the pancakes!” Pope called out from the kitchen. “Which, by the way, was, like, the only thing in the entire kitchen that hadn’t gone bad yet, so it looks like we’re just gonna have to go hungry this morning.” The fridge door creaked open, then shut again as Pope released a frustrated sigh.

“Relax, I’ll just run down to the Wreck and pick something up,” Kie said.

“Uh, aren’t you supposed to be in Wilmington right now?”

Silence, then, “Oh, right,” from Kie.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

JJ drowned out the next part of their conversation, too exhausted from a restless night to follow any more of it. He had a headache and felt hot all over. The air was already too warm and the sun was always too bright. The Chateau always had the blinds open, though, always let the sun into the house.

JJ tucked his chin to his chest and closed his eyes. He’d spent at least four hours lying awake when he woke up in the middle of the night after everyone else had fallen asleep. Pope and Kie had shared an air mattress on the floor, and when JJ saw them there through the darkness, it had taken him a moment too long to remember where he was and why they were there. The memory made his head hurt. 

Part of him wished he was back home with his mom and dad down the hall. The other part of him wished he would be able to just stop thinking about his mother already, because she had been dead for weeks by that point and there was simply no point in literally losing sleep over her absence any more than he already had. It was unnecessary and stupid.

“Hey,” he heard a distant, but present, voice say. “Earth to JJ…”

JJ frowned at his friend. One of the cons about staying at the Chateau was that he never got any privacy, or a few moments alone to think.

“Hey, I’ve been saying your name.”

“Why?” JJ squinted at John B.

John B jerked his chin at something. JJ turned his head to see Pope and Kie back on the air mattress, both with bowls of cereal on their laps. He could remember the thoughts going through his head very well, but not how long he had been, well, out. “Breakfast. You want some? You must be hungry.”

But the thought of eating was unappealing. He shook his head.

“You sure?” John B pushed, unable to just take a no as a no.

“Yeah, I’m positive, John B,” JJ pulled the blanket by his feet over his head, hiding his face as his friends ate.

He felt a pat on his ankle. A few minutes later, he fell asleep again.

“Trust me, I don’t like having to do this anymore than you like me having to do it.”

“Yeah, well, if you’re gonna keep showing up, at least call.”

There was a sigh, then, “Is he here?”

John B said, “I think you know the answer to that.”

“Let me see him.”

“He’s sleeping, alright? He’s tired. He’s had a lot going on.”

“Yeah, I know that, which is why I’m here,” Shoupe argued. “Look, his dad’s not at home. I figured JJ would be here, but I wanted to talk to him and see if he knows where Luke might’ve gone.”

JJ hoped more than anything that Shoupe would just take the hint and go, but he never could. Never would, even if he could. The ache behind his eyes had yet to go away, and now he was hungry, but he still didn’t have an appetite. Now that the adrenaline from reuniting with Kie, making up, and running off to the mainland together had faded, it was starting to hit him that he was going to have to spend the rest of his life like this; an open wound that would never heal from the damage that had been inflicted upon him.

He’d always hoped that he could ask his mother about it one day, that, maybe, she could explain her actions, even if it would hurt to hear. He didn’t know if he would ever actually have the courage to do it, but he didn’t think she would be dead before he even turned sixteen, didn’t think his window of chance would run out so soon.

He zoned back into John B’s voice as he said, “I don’t see why it’s such a big deal. If Luke’s gone, then JJ’s better off. He’s safe here with me. Why risk that?”

“But he’s a minor, John B. We’ve been over this,” Shoupe sighed. “Whether he likes it or not, whether you like it or not, JJ cannot be on his own without a parent or guardian. I don’t make the rules, kid. I’m just trying to follow them.”

John B scoffed. JJ would have done the same if he were there. “Why now, then? You always let him stay here when Luke leaves. What changed?”

“John B, now isn’t the time for games -”

“I’m not playing games!” John B’s voice had gotten louder. JJ cringed and tightened his grip around the hem of the blanket. “Alright? I know what’s best for my friend. Besides, if JJ even wanted your help, he could ask for it himself.”

The silence that followed was heavy. 

Of course, John B didn’t know that JJ had reached out to Shoupe for help before, only to be turned away by the entire police force, which was why Shoupe had spent nearly every day since then, nearly three years, trying to make it up to him; that was why he was always around, always wanting to know where JJ was, making sure he was safe.

There was nothing Shoupe could have done on his own, but he’d taken the issue to his superiors like he was supposed to, even when JJ told him not to, because JJ knew that none of them would take it seriously. That was the problem he had been trying to avoid in the first place, why, with naive, childish hope, he’d believed that Shoupe would be able to do something to get JJ out of the hell he had been living in. He went to Shoupe personally, because he wanted help, but he didn’t want anyone else getting involved. 

Looking back two years later, he could understand that Shoupe couldn’t really have done anything without getting other people involved, but it had felt like a betrayal, nevertheless. Thirteen-year-old JJ had never been able to see it any other way. Fifteen-year-old JJ could, but he still hadn’t been able to let it go.

“Let me see him.”

“No,” John B said. His mind was made up. JJ could tell when he was really serious about something and when he was just trying to act tough.

Before JJ could hear another word, he got up from the couch and headed into the kitchen, quietly slipping out the back door before either of them had a chance to speak with him. Knowing his own history with Shoupe was one thing. Having to hear it talked about by other people was another, and he couldn’t stand other people being involved in his business, talking about his life as if it wasn’t even really his own.

He went around to the front of his house, grabbed his bike, walked it down the driveway, further away from the house so that they wouldn’t hear him, and then started off down the road. He hadn’t had a plan or a specific destination, but he found himself at the beach a few minutes later, the sight of the ocean a relief to his bones. The sand felt like heaven under his toes, the cool saltwater a familiar comfort against his skin, like the old blanket he used to carry around everywhere he went as a child.

He knelt down at the shoreline and cupped some water in his hands, splashing it onto his face and the back of his neck. It was there, as he was finally starting to be able to relax a little bit, that he saw a familiar face; the face of a Kook, blonde hair blowing with the breeze, sun kissed cheeks streaked with smudged mascara. JJ had never seen her up close before, but he would know Sarah Cameron anywhere.

She didn’t know him, judging by the look of confusion on her face as they stared at each other. But who was he? Just another Pogue, another face in the crowd to a Kook. His name, by all means, was not as important as hers. They were forbidden from even talking to one another. She would be judged harshly and he would be mocked relentlessly. It happened to Kie when she first started spending time with them. If any Kook could see Sarah now, they would grab her arm, drag her away, and scold her for being within the vicinity of a Pogue. And one like him, at that.

But they were relatively hidden where they were. It was JJ’s spot, but he wasn’t averse to sharing it every now and then. His friends didn’t even know about it, though. It was the only place he had that was just his own.

But, of course, the Kook Princess just had to come and crash his party. At least, it didn’t seem like she was having the best day, either.

She stood suddenly, hands by her sides, and JJ frowned at her from where he was still kneeling in the shallow water. For all he cared, she could stay as long as she wanted to, as long as she didn’t bother him. “Uh, sorry. I didn’t know anyone would be here.”

JJ nodded and turned away from her, expecting that she would be on her way out.

“Hey, you’re, uh, you’re one of Kiara’s friends, aren’t you?”

Yeah, JJ thought. And you’re the one who took her from us. But that would have been an incredibly immature thing to say, and he may not have liked her very much, but he wasn’t about to go out of his way to make her feel worse than she clearly already was.

He nodded, keeping his back to her. “Yup, and so are you.”

He could sense her discomfort. No doubt, Kie had told her about their history; about how she had left the Kooks for the Pogues, and then the Pogues for the Kooks, but what Sarah didn’t know was that she had made truce with the Pogues, and if Kie so pleased, Sarah and her other Kook friends could be history by the end of the week.

Sarah was silent for a long moment, then she said, “I don’t mean to overstep or anything, but Kie told me what happened.” When JJ didn’t respond, only able to register the feeling of his muscles tensing in his back and his shoulders, she went on. “About your mom. I - Oh, gosh, this definitely isn’t my place, we don’t even know each other, but I just thought -”

“Wait, wait, hold up,” JJ stood and turned around to face her. “What do you mean she told you what happened?”

Sarah was silent. It said more than JJ needed to hear. Her cheeks went red, her eyes wide. “Just about - about your mom.” She spoke softly and hesitantly as JJ regarded her with disbelief. Kie had told her. Kie had been talking to her Kook friends about his personal problems, and she hadn’t even told him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you didn’t know. I mean, I thought - I mean, I’m sorry, I’m not going to tell anyone, I promise.”

But that wasn’t the point. JJ didn’t trust many people enough to open up to them, but Kie was one of the lucky few people he did. And, of all, people she just had to be friends with Sarah Cameron. He didn’t care if Sarah was the most trustworthy person on this island, that if she said she wouldn’t tell anyone, she wouldn’t tell anyone. The point was that Kie had told her and didn’t even ask him if it was okay.

“Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry, JJ.” Sarah paced away from him, running her hand through her hair. She sounded genuinely apologetic; looked it, too. But she wasn’t even the one who should have been apologizing. “I just thought I would mention it, but I mean, I never thought I would have to. It’s not like you and I talk, like, ever. But I just thought that since you were here, and I was here, that I would say something, ‘cause that’s the nice thing to do, right? When someone’s mom dies? A ton of people did it when my mom died, but now that I think about it, I can’t say it actually ever made me feel better.”

JJ had had fewer people say it to him over the last few weeks, but he could attest to that. He took a deep breath, banishing all thoughts of Kie for the moment, and closed his eyes. “I guess we have three things in common, then.”

“What?” Sarah questioned. “How could you and me, a Pogue and a Kook, have even one thing in common?” she asked, and underneath the seriousness of the question, JJ could hear some amusement in her voice. “Never mind three?”

“Well, one, we’re both friends with Kiara. Two, we both have dead moms, apparently.” Sarah nodded along to his words, eyebrows raised curiously. “Three, we both, apparently, hate it when people say ‘sorry for your loss.’”

Sarah wrapped her arms around her stomach and shrugged. “More like, ‘sorry your mom’s dead, that’s really too bad.’”

“Yeah,” JJ sighed. “Something like that.”

Sarah took her spot on the rocks again. JJ took his in the sand. It was silent between them for a while, and he almost forgot she was there until she spoke. “I know it’s not easy now, but, I mean, I guess it kind of does get better after a while.”

JJ looked over his shoulder at her. “How long’s it been for you?”

“Six years. Sometimes, it feels like yesterday, though.”

He didn’t know what that was like. He wished he would never have to, but six years can go by fast. It could be there before he knew it, before he was ready for it.

“I still miss her a lot, but I’ve learned to, you know, go on.” She pulled at a thread in her shorts as she spoke, eyes turned down. “It’s still hard, though.”

“Will it always be?” JJ asked with a sigh.

Sarah nodded. “Yeah. At least, for me, it will.”

“It’s complicated,” JJ said before he could think about it. He didn’t even fully know what he was saying, or where he was going with it. “My mom was, like, not really a great mom, I guess.” He shrugged as he dragged a stick through the sand by his feet. “She did some bad things. To me, I mean. I mean, she always said it wasn’t a big deal, it was just something she had to do, and I just had to - to help her do it, but…I think other people would say it was bad, and now she’s dead, which kinda sucks, too.”

“Why’s it suck? ‘Cause now you’ll never get to understand why?”

JJ looked back at her again, scrutinizing her carefully. He knew the second the words left his mouth that he shouldn’t have said anything, but he never would have thought she would get it; that she would be able to lay it out so simply in a way that he never could have, no matter how much he tried. “Couldn’t have said it better.”

She nodded thoughtfully. “I guess it just takes someone who’s been there. Someone who is still there.”

The thought of Sarah still being in the place he’s only been in for a few weeks after six years was a dreadful idea to him. In six years, he would want to be moved on completely, not still stuck in things that happened to him when he was a child. He would much rather forget those short four years of his life altogether than be stuck on them for six years. If that was what better looked like, he didn’t want any part of it.

He couldn’t say any of this to her, though. In fact, he had already said too much. He stood and dropped his stick, turning to face her fully now. It was a strange thing, to see Sarah Cameron in nothing but simple shorts and a t-shirt with hardly any makeup on. She was vulnerable here, but for some reason, she had trusted him. “What happened with you? You were crying when I got here.”

“Oh,” Sarah rubbed at the smudges around her eyes, cringing when she saw the black spots on her hands. “Gosh, I didn’t think it would be noticeable. I don’t even know why I bothered putting makeup on at all today.” She laughed, then shook her head as it died down. “Uh, it’s just…honestly, this is going to sound terrible coming from me, but I’m just having a really hard day.”

“Oh.” JJ could feel empathy for her. Surprisingly, he didn’t even have to try. “No, I mean, everyone has a hard day. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t.”

Sarah smiled as she wiped at her eyes again. “Wow, that’s - I wish, like, literally one person in my life would say that to me. Everyone just tells me to stop being so emotional. I hate it so much when they do that. It sucks.”

“Well, guess what, Sarah Cameron?” JJ opened his arms with a grin. “Believe it or not, you are a human being, not a Kook robot. You’re allowed to feel stuff. Emotions or whatever.”

“A Kook robot?” Sarah cringed, but smiled, and that felt like a win on JJ’s part.

“You heard me,” he said.

“Okay,” Sarah laughed. “Uh, thanks, I guess.”

JJ was as confused and baffled by this interaction as she was, especially knowing the likelihood that they would go on with their lives, pass by each other in the streets, share the same friend, and still not speak to one another ever again. But JJ got to feel more seen and understood here with her in five minutes than he had with anyone else all his life. Was it weird that he almost wished he didn’t have to go?

“So, uh, yeah, I should go,” Sarah said, stammering helplessly. It was weird and awkward, but JJ loved it, because she looked and sounded just like every other kid their age. Maybe he had fallen into the belief that she was just a Kook robot like all the rest of them, but it was easy to see past that now. “I have a family lunch thing to get to.”

“Yeah, sure, and I have a -”

What did he have? Shoupe and John B waiting for him at the Chateau? Or were they driving around Kildare looking for him already?

“I should just go, too.”

“Okay, cool, well, uh…thanks again, JJ. It was nice to meet you.”

And just like that, she was gone, retreating back into the role she was more or less born into the moment she said goodbye to him.

Tensions were high when he got back.

He didn’t even have to go inside to feel it. Shoupe was gone, thankfully, but John B was at the door before JJ could even park his bike. “Dude, come on! Again?” John B stomped towards him, meeting him halfway. “You didn’t even take your phone.”

“Sorry.” JJ walked past him. “Heard you and Shoupe talking, figured I’d make a run for it. Is Kiara here?”

“Wait, you heard all that?” John B asked, the regret heavy in his voice.

“Most of it, yeah. You weren’t exactly quiet.”

“JJ, JJ, JJ -” John B grabbed his arm and stopped him from walking further. “Okay, I’m sorry. I - I shouldn’t talk about, you know, your stuff with someone else without your permission, or without you there. That’s not cool. I’m sorry.”

As much as JJ hated it, he could tell John B was sincere. He didn’t have any reason to be upset with John B to begin with, either. He was angry with Kie, but it was all too easy to also take it out on whoever ended up in his path. But he could never stay mad at John B for long. “Yeah, tell that to Kiara. Clearly, she never learned that.”

John B frowned. “Kie? What - what are you talking about?”

“John B, she’s unbelievable. You know, there’s a reason Kooks and Pogues were never meant to mix.”

“Yeah?” John B asked, clearly not following. “Obviously.”

“We’re two separate worlds. An entirely different species.”

John B nodded slowly. “Right…and your point is?”

“She’s torn between two worlds, dude. Doesn’t know which species is, but she can’t be both, that’s for sure. It just doesn’t work like that,” JJ explained. He shrugged John B’s hand off his shoulder and headed for the Chateau. “You’re either full Pogue or full Kook. She wants a slice out of both, but she can’t have both.”

“Okay, dude, what happened?” John B called after him, following him to the door, but JJ ignored him as he went inside. “Dude -”

“Hey!” Kie’s smiling face greeted him. “There you are!”

JJ stopped in his tracks and stared at her.

“Dude, you know John B’s been, like, freaking out all afternoon, right?” Kie laughed. “However, Pope and I went to the store and bought more pancake mix while you were sleeping. So, we’re having pancakes for dinner, cause I’ll be the one baking this time.” When she was finished, her eyes slowly drifted over JJ’s shoulder, and when he turned around, he saw John B shaking his head at her.

Kie just laughed. “Okay, why’s John B acting weirder than usual right now?”

“Kie,” John B warned.

Her smile wavered as she looked at JJ. “Everything okay? JJ?”

In the kitchen, Pope put down the box of pancake mix he had been reading the back of to see what was going on.

“I talked to Sarah today. We were just, you know, catching up,” he started, and right away, Kie froze. “Like friends do. According to her, you’ve been keeping her in the loop quite a bit with everything that’s been going on in my life.”

Kie audibly swallowed. “Sarah -”

“Wait, like, Sarah Cameron, Sarah?” John B asked.

“Yeah, the one and only,” JJ clarified.

He didn’t have to explain further. He could tell Kie knew what this was about. She stepped over to him, hands outstretched. “JJ.”

“If I really wanted Sarah Cameron to know that my mom died, I could have told her myself,” he said, even though it really made no sense, but she got the point. And John B seemed to get it, too. “Why did you even have to say anything at all? What else did you tell her? How she was a terrible mom? How she never loved me a single day of my life?”

“No, just…just that she died.” Kie bit her lip. “Look, I - I get it. I wasn’t even thinking about it like that. It’s just that she’s my friend, and we’ve been getting really close again lately, so I guess it just feels natural to tell her things now, and I didn’t even think of how you would feel if I did. We were just talking and it slipped out.”

“Wait, what did you and Sarah Cameron talk about today? And - and why? She’s like the Kookiest of all the Kooks, man,” John B said from the side.

They both ignored him.

“Yeah, she’s your friend. Not mine. So, the next time you’re having your little girl chats or whatever, think of someone else to talk about, alright?”

Kie nodded. “Yeah. JJ, I’m really sorry.”

JJ turned away from her, walking into the kitchen to the table, where Pope was. He rested his elbows on the surface and put his face in his hands, rubbing his eyes until he could think clearly again. He took a deep breath and shook his head at nothing, or at himself, maybe. Maybe, he was being ridiculous; overreacting, as he tended to do.

“Whatever,” he mumbled. “She was sort of nice, though.”

“Well, I’d hope so,” Kie shrugged, like it was obvious. “I wouldn’t be her friend if she wasn’t a nice person. I hope you know that.”

His first time meeting Sarah Cameron, and he actually liked her. He could actually say she wasn’t half bad, but he wasn’t going to get ahead of himself and say she was a wonderful human being or anything like that. She was still a Kook, after all.

“So, what did you guys talk about?”

“Oh, my gosh, John B,” Kie shook her head, rolling her eyes. “That’s, like - how many times are you going to ask?”

“Woah, I’m just curious.”

JJ let them bicker for a moment before speaking. “She told me about her mom. I told her about mine. Turns out we have something in common. Who knew dead mothers could bring people together like that.”

“So, you just talked?” Pope asked, eyebrows furrowed.

“Yeah, Pope, what else would we have done?”

“Thought, maybe, you hooked up or something, like, in total secrecy.”

Kie scrunched her face up. “Dude, she has a boyfriend.”

The bickering proceeded again, but JJ couldn’t bring himself to take part in it, but he did have a lot on his chest that he wanted to get off of it. He’d had time to think on the way back; he’d even taken the long way to do just that, and he decided that if he wanted to be fair to his friends, he was going to have to start opening up to them.

He thought about what his aunt said to him at the funeral and it dawned on him that, while he may not have had a place in his blood family, he did have a place here with the Pogues, and that was all he really needed. And he was lucky. He was so lucky, or blessed, fortunate, whatever. He knew people like them didn’t come around every day. How he’d gotten three of them as friends was still a mystery to him, but he wasn’t complaining.

Kie came up to him then and put her chin on his shoulder. “Are we good, J?”

JJ nodded. “Yeah. Don’t worry about it.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, smiling softly at him.

“Hey, guys?” JJ straightened up, getting their attention.

“What’s up?” Pope asked, leaning back in his chair.

JJ looked down, playing with the ring on his finger. “Can we talk?”

“You want to talk?”

“Do you want to hear what I have to say?” JJ said to John B.

“Of course, we can talk,” Pope said. He sounded eager, maybe even relieved. He sent John B a warning look across the table.

JJ studied his hands for a while, running his thumb over some of the little cuts on his fingers. “Okay, ‘cause, I have this, like…problem. It’s about my mom, and - and I don’t know how to feel about it.” He paused, because he had only just started, and it was already difficult to say aloud. “And I’ve just been confused.”

Pope reacted first, which wasn’t a surprise to JJ. “You can tell us. Whatever it is.”

It was now or never. He didn’t want to keep it a secret anymore, and he trusted them to take good care of this, to not betray his trust once he opened up to them about it. “So, a few years ago, my mom started taking these drugs for pain, but the problem was that she didn’t have any money to buy them, but the guys she bought them from weren’t going to just hand them to her for nothing, so she needed something to give in return.”

“So, what did she give?”

JJ took a deep breath and chewed on his bottom lip. “Me.” The silence that followed was expected, but he couldn’t stand it, so he kept talking. “She let them, like, do things to me in exchange for drugs. It was really only the same, like, two or three guys each time, but she’d bring me to this house, wait in the living room when one of them came to get me. Whoever it was that time would bring me into a bedroom and just start, you know…taking my clothes off, and he’d do all this awful stuff to me, and - and it hurt, a lot, and my mom, she knew this was happening. She sat right there and let it happen. It went on for four years, and she did nothing to stop it. But she got something out of it, which was all that mattered. She was happy, so my pain didn’t matter to her.”

He let it go there, for now. He didn’t want to overwhelm them, but he could see on their faces that he may have done just that. Their silence, their shocked faces, almost made him want to backtrack, to put his hands up and tell them to forget he’d said anything at all, as if that would make even the slightest difference, but he knew he couldn’t. 

He’d only just scratched the surface of what he went through those years, and how those events still affected him every day of his life even years on, but he’d already said too much to turn back now. He’d never told anyone this before, not even his dad, and he had to tell himself that if he really trusted them, he could share this with them. And he had to believe that they would still love him after, even if he didn’t love himself.

“Jayj,” Kie breathed his name, breaking the silence. She shot up from her chair and went over to him, pulling him into a firm embrace.

Her actions seemed to ignite a chain reaction of sorts. Immediately, John B was voicing his disbelief, his shock, and his anger, instead of just letting it sit silently on his face, while Pope’s response was more similar to Kie’s.

“JJ, I’m so sorry,” he said, loud enough for only him to hear. Kie had backed away to give Pope room. JJ still didn’t want their sympathy or their pity, but he could feel every ounce of genuine emotion and love from them at that moment, and he clung to it like it was more important than the air in his lungs. “Thank you.”

JJ swallowed and blinked stubborn tears from his eyes. “For what?”

“For telling us,” Pope said. “For trusting us.”

“Oh.” JJ nodded. “I’m sorry it took so long.”

“Who cares how long it took? I don’t,” Pope shook his head, his words firm. “It’s important to me that you can trust me. All of you. That’s the kind of friend I want to be, and I don’t say that lightly.”

JJ’s lip trembled, and he had to look down at his shoes to avoid Pope’s eyes.

“Come here,” Pope said, pulling him in again, and then John B and Kie were joining in, too, crushing JJ in the center of their embrace.

JJ decided that if he could talk to Sarah Cameron, then he could most certainly handle talking to Deputy Shoupe.

He figured he would have to eventually, otherwise the two of them would just end up playing cat and mouse for the rest of their lives. Shoupe wasn’t going anywhere, JJ knew. This island was his home, and that badge he wore was more to him than just a trophy to show off. It actually meant something, and he took his job seriously.

JJ could respect that.

JJ was a familiar presence in the police department, but no one had ever seen him walk in without his hands cuffed behind his back and an officer dragging him by the elbow as he put up one hell of a fight, intent on making the officer’s job as difficult as possible. The stares he got almost made him laugh, but he kept it together as he made his way to Shoupe’s office. 

He was still feeling the high from the amount of love he’d received from his friends earlier that day, and he figured that if he was going to do this at all, the best time to do it would be while his heart still felt incredibly light, that way he wouldn’t have to worry about regretting anything he’d said later on.

He knocked twice, waited until Shoupe said to come in. The man regarded him with a quizzical frown, then motioned to the chair opposite him. “JJ, come in. Shut the door after you.”

JJ did as asked and took a seat. “My dad was in Wilmington, when you were looking for him. Mom’s funeral was yesterday.”

Shoupe nodded with a frown. “I take it John B filled you in on our conversation when you returned from your adventure.”

“No, he didn’t need to.”

Shoupe’s silence was followed by an almost immediate realization. “Ah. You heard us, then?” he asked. JJ nodded. “When will your dad be back?”

“Friday, supposedly,” JJ shrugged, because, with his dad, things had a way of usually not going to plan.

“Well, Big John’ll look after you ‘till then.”

JJ knew the time would come when he would have to go back eventually. He couldn’t stay away forever, couldn’t hide from his dad forever, and Luke would want him home soon enough, anyway, so there was really no point. It would be fine, as long as JJ stayed out of his way and minded his own business. The only reason he ever ended up getting hurt by his dad was when he willingly put himself directly in the line of fire, almost like he was asking for it, like he wanted to be reminded of how it felt.

“And you, I bet.”

Shoupe raised an eyebrow. “That’s my job, JJ. I look out for my people.”

“Yeah, but it’s different with me. You go out of your way when you don’t have to, when, like no one is making you, ‘cause everyone else on this island could care less about me, but -” JJ bit the inside of his cheek, pondering his next words. “But you’ve always cared. I know that. So, I guess I wanted to say I’m sorry for treating you, like, totally not cool.”

“I do care,” Shoupe admitted. “But if you’d prefer, I’ll back off now. I know you have a life here, and I’m not gonna be the one who sees you getting shipped off to the mainland and put in a foster home. And why would I when you’ve got John B and Big John to look after you? No one has to know you’re not living with your dad right now, JJ.”

JJ had to bite back a grin. The relief made it infinitely easier to breathe. He’d always had a feeling that Shoupe would never do that, but to actually hear that he wouldn’t, and that he understood why JJ staying in Kildare was so important, was different, like an entire level up from the rocky uncertainty he’d been walking his entire life, because, if Shoupe wasn’t going to do anything to change the way things were, then no one would.

Because no one else with the power to do something cared enough to do something. JJ could live with that, as long as he had the Pogues in his corner.

“Deal?”

JJ nodded. He jumped up eagerly to shake Shoupe’s hand. “Deal. One-hundred percent. And I’ll never cause any trouble ever again, I swear.”

Shoupe actually laughed. “Alright, JJ, let’s not push it.”

“Fine,” JJ agreed, because it was a far fetched promise to make, and they both knew it. “But don’t say I didn’t, you know, say it.”

“Not all dreams come true, kid,” Shoupe said. “Now, get out of here. We’ll talk soon.”

So, JJ left, heading back to the Chateau, where he knew his friends would be waiting for him, ready to welcome him back, like they always were.