Work Text:
Professor Kilgharrah had decided his English class would learn Shakespeare much better if they acted out Much Ado about Nothing. Arthur, of course, wanted the lead role of Benedick, and got it because, as Merlin pointed out, he was a vain, tickle-brained strumpet.
Arthur didn’t ask what that was, as he had the feeling the answer would be “Arthur.”
Kilgharrah then pointed out that to be authentic, all the female roles would be played by boys.
“As Merlin’s a saucy, dizzy-eyed dewberry, he should take the female lead,” Arthur announced.
Everyone looked at him in confusion. “It means he’s a girl,” Arthur clarified.
Merlin sulked and pouted a bit about that but made sure he won the role. Just to show Arthur. It had nothing to do with the text at all. No.
ARTHUR
MERLIN
ARTHUR
Why, then your uncle and the prince and Gwaine
Have been deceived; they swore you did.
“We bloody well know you do,” Gwaine muttered, and Leon nodded agreement.
“Hush, strumpet-brain,” Arthur said.
“That’s not on the list,” Merlin pointed out.
“Well it should be,” Arthur retorted. “It’s very Gwaine.”
“Get on with it,” Kilgharrah ordered.
MERLIN
ARTHUR
Troth, no; no more than reason.
MERLIN
Why, then my friends Lancelot and Gwen
Are much deceived; for they did swear you did.
“I’m not deceived,” Lancelot called.
“Oh just kiss already,” Gwen added.
Merlin and Arthur did their best to ignore them, for they were true professionals.
ARTHUR
They swore that you were almost sick for me.
MERLIN
They swore that you were well-nigh dead for me.
ARTHUR
'Tis no such matter. Then you do not love me?
MERLIN
No, truly, but in friendly recompense.
“Friendly recompense?” Gwaine snorted. “Is that what they’re calling it now?”
LEON
Come, Merlin, I am sure you love the gentleman.
Merlin glared at him.
“No, that’s in the script,” Leon insisted.
GWAINE
And I'll be sworn upon't that Arthur loves him;
For here's a paper written in his hand,
A halting sonnet of his own pure brain,
Fashion'd to Merlin.
LANCELOT
And here's another
Writ in Merlin's hand, stolen from his pocket,
Containing his affection unto Arthur.
“Script again,” Leon confirmed when Merlin looked suspicious.
ARTHUR
A miracle! here's our own hands against our hearts.
Come, I will have thee; but, by this light, I take
thee for pity.
Merlin glared at him, because Arthur just might have emphasised that last bit a little too much.
“For pity?”
Arthur beamed at him, far too pleased with himself. “Definitely.”
“You churlish, onion-eyed bugbear! Like I’m going to say yes to that!”
“It’s in the script! You have to, you… you errant elf-skinned foot-licker!”
Merlin stared at him with huge, hurt eyes. “But you told me you wanted me to suck your toes!” he wailed. “You said you liked it!”
ARTHUR
Peace! I will stop your mouth.
Fortunately the direction right there in the text was to kiss him. And none too soon.