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———
Jungsu has known Jooyeon for what, perhaps, eleven? twelve? years now. That’s more than half of his life if you think about it. Somehow they’ve just always managed to stick together given their distance and the circumstances surrounding them. And it was not like he had any complaints, in fact, he continues to feel like he’s one of the better blessed individuals to have someone like Jooyeon in his life and for that long. If there is anything, Jungsu can guarantee he would do whatever it takes to sustain their lifelong friendship, that is, if he could still call it that.
He faintly remembers the exact moment when he started considering things in a different light. It was just another one of those days where he was bound to see Jooyeon then they would hang out and talk about the same things or whatever that would come out of the moment until they were sick of each other’s faces. Jungsu did not know what it was but he had a strong inkling that day to be extra attentive of whatever words Jooyeon would say, to catch his eyes every moment he got, to hug the younger one a little tighter, to find him soberly admirable, and to think that he did not mind doing this every day if he could. It was all so subtle. Like a touch of breeze that one would know is coming and never fear it to be a harsh cold on the skin.
Just like that, these sentiments thrived within Jungsu’s heart like a wallflower calmly and without fail growing out of its own stem. It did not strike fear or worry, but still it made Jungsu feel a little uneasy. Who knew it was truly this shaking to feel such love towards your best friend?
“Jungsu. Kim Jungsu!”
Slowly coming back to his senses, Jungsu raises his head to locate the voice who had just called him. He looks round only to lock eyes with his favorite senior and Jooyeon’s bandmate, Koo Gunil.
“Sorry, Hyung, I was spacing out. What did you need?” He took a stand from where he sat and began walking closer to where Gunil was.
“I just wanted to know if you’ve seen Jooyeon today. Everyone asked to cancel our practice for their own reasons except for him and I don’t think he went to his classes.” Gunil smiles apologetically and Jungsu could tell he was worried.
“Oh, well, he texted during lunch but other than that I haven’t seen him yet either. I’m sorry, Hyung, I wish I was more of a help.” Jungsu shakes his head. Now he was the one more worried.
“No worries. Thank you, Su.” Gunil waves a hand before chuckling. “Well, I have to go now. Assistant duties.”
Jungsu gave him a polite bow and watched Gunil set off before packing his things upon seeing the time. He had meant to review for an upcoming exam they had the next day and while he had been productive during the first few hours Jungsu’s mind now had other things to think of.
Before getting back to the apartment, he thoughtfully bought snacks for him and Jooyeon to share, that is, after he gives the younger one an earful for not showing up today in the campus as he reminded himself.
When he does get home, Jungsu could immediately hear the faint sound of aggressive keyboard clicking and some shooting noises from the living room. He sighs before dropping his things to his room and changing his clothes.
“Lee Jooyeon!”
“Hyung! You’re home?!” He hears Jooyeon’s surprised reply coming from his closed room. Then there was loud shuffling before the door bursts open only to reveal the younger one in his pajamas which Jungsu had seen him wearing just before they went to sleep a night ago.
“You did not come to your classes.” Jungsu points out while shaking his head.
Jooyeon smiles sheepishly before coming to his side. “I didn’t. I had to finish a virtual report which I already turned in, by the way.”
“Okay, and what about band practice?” Jungsu sees his face fall.
“Oh, no! I forgot to schedule my message to Gunil hyung!” He panics and Jungsu watches him run back to his room only to return back while looking sadly at his phone.
“You can still let him know and say sorry for being irresponsible.”
“It was just today. It won’t happen again…” Jooyeon pouts.
“No, it better not.” Jungsu snorts. “Come on, I got us some snacks and maybe we can think about what to eat for dinner.”
“Eating while thinking of what to eat! I’m in.”
That night they settled for chicken and it was their third time eating the god forsaken white meat. Jungsu heaves a sigh, obviously tired of seeing the same food in front of him, before rummaging through their refrigerator only to come back with cans of beer in his hands.
“I’m sick of the chicken, we might as well go all in.” He says before popping two cans open, immediately handing one to Jooyeon.
The younger one happily accepts it and in no time they’ve already finished four cans without a pause. Jungsu notices Jooyeon was quiet, not that it was so uncharacteristic of the man, but he could definitely tell that he was in thought.
“Anything on your mind, Joo?”
Jooyeon snaps his head to look at Jungsu. “Hmm? No, it’s nothing, Hyung.” But when he is met with silence and a look from his best friend which he takes as an encouragement he goes on to talk. “I’ve just been thinking… Well, you know Jiseok, right? My bandmate. He’s pretty much the closest person I have next to you and he got me thinking about relationships.”
Jungsu raises an eyebrow curiously. “You like Jiseok?”
“Oh, no, Hyung. Not that way, anyways. He’s in a relationship with Han Hyeongjun which is how we sort of got talking about the topic. And I don’t know, it just got me curious about exploring what I am and what I want, you know? I haven’t actually thought about it until then. I don’t know, it’s probably ridiculous.” Jooyeon’s shoulders slump as he chuckles, finding his own thoughts silly.
“Hey, no, I get you.” Jungsu gives him a reassuring look. “And that’s totally normal. If you want to explore, go for it. If you think it would help you get to know yourself, then who’s to say it’s wrong?”
Jooyeon shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s just a thought but who knows. Anyway, thank you, Hyung for making out my nonsense.”
“It’s not nonsense, dumbass.” Jungsu gives him a light flick on the forehead then they share a laugh.
Later that evening, after talking more and being forced to play several rounds of Overwatch with Jooyeon, Jungsu eventually retires to his own bed once he finished showering. He was now sitting comfortably in his bed, a small journal on his lap. He bites the tip of the pen he was holding thinking of what to write on the blank page.
Today had been rather uneventful, just as he preferred it, maybe except for the part where he and Jooyeon got talking about the younger one wanting to explore things in terms of being involved in a romantic relationship. It was the first time he heard that kind of thought from Jooyeon, from all the years of being with the man. For one, Jungsu felt proud and honestly gratified that his best friend was able to share such personal thoughts to him. But also, that meant there was a chance Jooyeon was not only into one specific gender. He did not know why but Jungsu just always assumed the younger man preferred women. While he liked and felt for Jooyeon in a romantic way, it was one of the reasons why he never thought to admit his feelings to him or to tell anyone else about it, worried it might ruin their friendship or worse find Jooyeon gone out of his life completely. And it’s not like it hurts or that having his feelings makes things difficult at present. It was just always there sitting in his heart, patient and unwavering, but never daring to leap one step closer that it might just explode out of Jungsu uncontrollably.
Then, he finally begins to write in his journal.
I have known him almost my entire life. Today, I found out there are still things I have yet to know about him. Maybe it is all about discovering something new or unfailingly getting used to what you already know again and again, but if this is what it is like to be with someone then I would like to be there for all of it.
———
Jungsu knew this day was going to be a tiring day but he did not expect for his energy to quickly drain this much. He only had morning classes before deciding to catch up on some written backlogs before caving in and ending up in their dance studio inside the campus.
“I think I’m gonna pass out,” he says particularly to no one. But Seungmin, his dance partner and junior in one of his classes, upon hearing this turns off the music immediately.
“That’s enough for us today, Jungsu hyung.” Seungmin plops down next to him pressing a cold bottle of water to his cheeks.
Jungsu pats down his sweat with a towel. “You did well, Seungmin.”
“You too, Hyung. Now what?”
“I don’t have anything else set. You?” He turns to the younger.
“Same. Should we head down the cafeteria? I still have a few food stubs.”
“Okay, bet.”
That’s how the two of them ended up eating what would have been too much for any normal person and thanks to the fondness of the cafeteria staff seeing them eat well, Jungsu and Seungmin also got free drinks and desserts.
“So, what’s up with you these days, Hyung?” Seungmin chirps as he munches on the cone of his ice cream.
“Nothing much really, just trying to get through this semester. What about you, Seungmin?”
“Eh, I’m not sure either,” he shrugs before his eyes follow something from behind Jungsu making the older one turn around to see what he was looking at. “Hyung, isn’t that Jooyeon?”
“Oh? Where?”
“You spot him? He’s with that guy with the glasses.”
“Huh. That’s new.” Jungsu mutters.
“You still like him?” Seungmin eyes him carefully once he turns back around.
“Sure,” Jungsu nods.
The pink-haired man furrows his eyebrows. “And you’re not jealous? Like at all?”
“No, I don’t think so. I mean, it’s not like he owes me what I feel or is responsible for it.”
“I don’t get you, Hyung.” Seungmin shakes his head in both disbelief and astonishment. “How do you go by everyday seeing the person you love with someone else? Or without at least letting them know? I feel like my heart will break if it’s me. I’d go insane.”
“I don’t know, Seungmin. But trust me, it’s not always a good feeling either. I don’t want to burden him with what I feel and it’s not like I’m needy or in a hurry to be in a relationship. I’m quite happy where I stand with Jooyeon, to be honest. I’ve always been.”
“Hmm. But you could go for more, right? Want for more?”
“Yeah, you get it.” Jungsu agrees.
Seungmin eyes him for a few seconds more before closing his mouth. He could tell Jungsu would not want to push the subject matter further and he knows to leave it at just that.
They part ways a little after spending an hour more together as Seungmin had a dentist appointment which leaves Jungsu contemplating whether he should go straight home or to look for a cafe to lounge in to give effort in cultivating his aim to make reading a book a habit. He did end up in a cafe just a block away from their apartment, a poetry book in his hands.
He was halfway through the collection when his alarm rang. It was already half past nine. Time had definitely run fast that day. Jungsu collects his things and sips the remaining coffee in his cup before exiting the shop to walk back home.
He was expecting Jooyeon to be back before him only to be wrong when he finds all the lights from their apartment turned off upon getting inside. Jungsu then recalls that he saw Jooyeon with someone in the cafeteria hours ago and figured he might be on a date with the person. He brushes off the thought and immediately settles down inside his room to rest his aching body.
Jooyeon got back a little after eleven in the evening and he found Jungsu on their dinner table, his eyes fixated on his laptop and typing busily that he did not even notice the younger one come in. It was only after Jooyeon had reemerged from his room a little later with his pajamas that Jungsu noticed his presence and set aside his laptop to pay attention to him.
They eventually agreed on sharing three bags of ramen as a midnight snack and it was only while Jungsu was finished washing their plates that Jooyeon breaks the silence again.
“Jungsu hyung,” he calls for him.
“Yes, Joo?” Jungsu finally sets down the drying towel before looking at Jooyeon, his eyebrows raised.
“Can we make out?” Hearing this puts Jungsu’s blinking habit on a start.
“I'm sorry?”
Jooyeon then scratches the back of his neck sheepishly, his voice faltering with each word. “Well, I mean... I figured if I wanted to try, I feel like I'm safe if it's with you…”
Jungsu creases his eyebrows, his concern and shock growing thicker every second. “Joo, where is this coming from?”
“Uh, just nowhere...? I don't know. You don't have to if you don't want… I’m sorry.” The courage Jooyeon plucked had definitely left him at this point.
“No, no that's not what I mean.” Jungsu shakes his head while sighing but his feet say otherwise as he walks closer to where Jooyeon stood. “I'm glad you feel safe with me, but are you sure?”
“Yeah, I guess.” Jooyeon shrugs, hyper-aware of their distance closing in.
Jungsu is now literally an arm’s length away from him, his eyes never leaving Jooyeon but he does not move closer from there.
“Jooyeon, are you really sure about this?”
“A hundred percent, Hyung.”
Taking his word for it, Jungsu closes the distance between them. He gently cups Jooyeon’s cheeks in his hands, his eyes looking at him for approval. When he nods, Jungsu lets it all go and presses his lips firmly with Jooyeon’s. At first, Jooyeon doesn’t respond but he eventually reciprocates the kiss by leaning himself deeper toward him. They stay like that for a while, Jooyeon tightly holding onto Jungsu’s waist as the older one leads their kiss.
Jungsu manages to slip his tongue inside Jooyeon’s mouth a little later making him moan and Jungsu slowly pulls away after but never leaving his lips afar from his.
“Sorry, too much?” Jungsu whispers genuinely concerned for the younger one whose eyes are still closed.
“No, keep going, Hyung.” Jooyeon shakes his head before he strokes Jungsu’s cheek and lets him do whatever he wants.
To Jungsu, it had been the most innocent and greatest kiss of his life.
When he pulls away to catch his breath, he finds Jooyeon flush all over and his hair tousled. He reaches out to fix his hair and Jooyeon grabs his hands while he is in the middle of it.
“Jungsu hyung.”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for not being a jerk about it.” Jooyeon had tears brimming his eyes and for once Jungsu felt his heart sink deep. It must have been really tough for him.
“I could never. Not like this.” Jungsu shakes his head before opening his arms and Jooyeon immediately dives into the embrace. He ignores how his heart hammered into his chest.
They don’t speak to each other much after what happened. Jungsu walks Jooyeon to his room, and bid their good nights to each other before he slumps into his bed.
I kissed him tonight because he said he wanted to experience it and had felt comfortable enough to do it with me. I agreed because partially I have always wanted to kiss him. But now something hurts inside me. Now I feel like I will want more after this. Why am I being selfish now?
———
After what happened that night, Jungsu did his best to stay in his place. As much as he wanted to run away and stay out of sight, he did not cave into them but he did not exactly act usually either.
He would only respond when Jooyeon was the first to initiate a conversation with him. He did not strike up anything or did anything at all. He was just there. Scared. Worried. Awaiting failure.
Jungsu might not regret kissing Jooyeon but he definitely did not think this far enough to know that he would find himself in a tight position. For once, he was swimming in uncharted territory with his feelings finally trying to leap out of whatever safe place they sat before.
And it definitely did not help that Jooyeon, the always bubbly, funny, and affectionate Jooyeon, was there to shake his tempestuous heart each time.
It was after their exams when Jungsu had found himself walking home at noon, his head already set to sleep in for the rest of the day. Thinking he had the apartment to himself alone, he lays down on his bed, forgetting to close the door of his room, and immediately drifts off to sleep.
This did not last as minutes after he found a comfortable position and was almost a breath away from dreamland, somebody tapped him awake.
“Hyung.” His tired eyes looked up only to be faced with Jooyeon who was grinning at him.
“Lee Jooyeon.” Jungsu rolls over, gently swatting the younger one's arm away. He just really wanted to sleep and nothing more.
Jooyeon leans to him closer and whispers, “cuddle with me, please.”
“No. I just want to sleep.” Jungsu groans.
“I want cuddles.” He could hear the pout in Jooyeon's voice.
Jungsu gives in and simply scoots over to the other side, making space for the younger one. “Just get in the bed.”
In no time, Jooyeon's arm slings over to his waist, and just like that they fall asleep next to each other. Jungsu is well aware of the warmth radiating off of Jooyeon and how he wished he could have this every day.
And like that days passed by just as quickly as leaves would fall on an autumn day.
Looking back, Jungsu first met Jooyeon when they were in elementary. Jooyeon, being the extrovert he was, immediately started speaking to him casually after landing eyes on Jungsu who was sitting by himself in the music room, never thinking for a second that they might not be from the same grade or the same age.
Jooyeon played the piano that day. Jungsu has long forgotten what piece it was he played, maybe just made it up on the spot, but from then on he knew he would love to be friends with the boy.
They find out they had lots of similarities and were living close to each other and just like that they stuck together. They slowly grew up, bested puberty and its crisis, fell out with some other friends, had misunderstandings and fights here and there, graduated elementary, entered high school, took the college entrance test, and talked about probably never seeing each other again due to having each of their own lives, until finally here they were at present.
Somewhere within those seasons, he began to love him.
Jungsu wasn't so sure anymore when he started feeling differently for Jooyeon. Maybe he always felt that way for him. Maybe not. Though that doesn't matter now. All he knows is something had to be done whether it was to make peace with his feelings or to make Jooyeon understand.
And before he knew it, Jungsu was already calling him on the phone.
“Hello? Hyung?”
“Joo, do you have time? Will you see me when you're free?”
Silence.
“Uh, actually, Hyung, would you like to meet now?” Jooyeon says over.
“Yeah, okay. Where are you?” Jungsu circles back and forth from where he stood outside the university grounds.
“I'm at home.”
“Okay, I'll see you there.”
He spends the walk home trying to think of what he will say, trying to recite coherent words to make sense of what he wants to let Jooyeon know.
Once he reaches the parking lot, Jungsu slows even more as he walks only to find Jooyeon standing there, and as soon as he sees him the younger one runs to him fast.
Jungsu catches him with his arms.
“Hyung,” he looks up at him and smiles.
“Hi, Joo.” Jungsu was perplexed but managed to smile back.
“Hyung, I love you, you know that right?”
“Me too,” Jungsu affirms.
Jooyeon laughs. “No, I'm not saying it the way I usually mean it.”
Jungsu pauses. “What... do you mean?”
“I think I love you that way.”
“What way, Jooyeon?” This time, Jungsu pushed Jooyeon with his shoulders so he was looking at him eye to eye.
“Differently.”
Jungsu does not say anything.
“Do you love me too? That way?” Jooyeon had a look at him. There was fear, anticipation, and bliss in his eyes.
Jungsu sighs. “Do you want me to be really honest?” It was now or never for him.
“Always.”
“I know I have loved you differently for so long, Jooyeon.” Jungsu now strays his eyes, trying to focus anywhere but Jooyeon. “And it's been hard because I always have to keep myself in check with you. I didn't want to burden you with whatever I feel. It wasn't something I can just drop on you and then leave it at that. But seeing this is where we are now, I'm thankful you said it first, because I don't think I would have.” Now he was the one on the verge of crying. He didn't think it was this relieving to say what he thinks, what he feels. And seeing Jooyeon with the most unassuming look as he listened to his words made Jungsu even feel more certain. It made him feel like he could hang onto their connection and it wouldn't throw him off balance.
“Then, I'll be honest with you, too.” Jooyeon blows air before he nods, sticking his hands into the back pockets of his pants. His eyes were now so fixated on Jungsu that it made it difficult for him to break eye contact. “Hyung, the very reason why I even said I wanted to explore things is because I started liking you some time ago. I thought that maybe if I did, I would find out what I really feel. But that was until certain bandmates of mine convinced me to just take the chance on you yourself. It was true when I said I feel safe doing things with you and even after that I still do. Never once have you made me feel awful about anything stupid I did all our lives. And I love you, I love you so much, Jungsu hyung. I don't think I'd be who I am now without you.”
Jungsu sniffles audibly, wiping his nose and eyes. “Sorry. I don't usually cry like this.”
Jooyeon laughs through his tears. “Why are we like this?”
“I don't know.” Jungsu lets out his own laugh, his heart slowly easing with every moment. “Come here.” He gestures for Jooyeon to come closer and opens up his arms as wide as he can.
Jooyeon immediately buries his face onto Jungsu's neck. Their arms wrapped around each other. “Jungsu hyung.”
“Hmm?”
“I hope you never tire taking care of me like you always do from this day forward.”
“Please take good care of me, too.”
From that day, things have definitely changed.
While Jungsu and Jooyeon remained in each other’s company, this time they knew their relationship was different. Every kiss and every touch means a little something more. Every word feels just a little more sincere.
Through the years, they have grown and have become individuals of their own. And through the years Jungsu has always loved Jooyeon each time just more distinctly than the one before.
Jungsu has known Jooyeon for more than half of his life and he figures he doesn’t mind spending just about the rest of it with him, too.