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It wasn't to say that Boris usually had a crush on someone, but he's indulged in crushes before, he's shared kisses and romantic embraces and so on. He could tell the difference between just being friends and being attracted. Or he thought so at least. So then why was his mind confusing Theo as someone he loved and not just deeply cared about? Don't get him wrong, he loved Theo but only as one might to a family or something. They stuck together and shared everything. But that's what friends did.
They were friends.
So then why did Boris want to kiss him? Why did he want to do things that no two friends (let alone two guys) should do? It confused him, he never felt this way about a guy before. And he wasn't sure if he liked it. So he kept it a secret. Just between him and himself, nothing could go wrong like that. No one to hate him, no one to judge him, no one to ridicule just how silly it was to date your best friend who was the same gender as you.
Besides, maybe his brain was just a bit confused, maybe he didn't actually have feelings for his friend, maybe he was normal. There was of course that small chance.
He'd rather keep it to himself than worry Theo over that horrid possibility. Because at the end of the day it was just a possibility..
Until he was sure it wasn't. Over the course of the next few days since he came to that original idea, he found himself longing for Theo's attention. Which he usually got right away, but the warmth that spread inside him whenever it happened was starting to get embarrassing. It was unusual. Another thing was that Boris was always physically affectionate. It was something he couldn't find himself breaking the habit of. No matter the school or country, when he made a friend he tended to be a bit touchy. But with Theo he had the urge to hold him longer, hold his hand or even waist in a hug, just to hold him. Or be held if possible.
If that wasn't evidence enough then how often he looked at his lips was.
Whenever he caught himself staring or touching him too long, he'd get himself to stop. Chastising himself internally for making Theo uncomfortable (or would, if he knew what was really going on inside the confused, curly haired, head of his).
It didn't take long for him to feel awful about the situation, the only thing that made it better was when he and a girl named Kylie ended up meeting. He wasn't sure how the conversation got to be but at some point both of them being alky's was shared and Kylie selling drugs had been another. Lucky for her, Boris did them. Which was how he and Theo found themselves a new seller. Also a new friend. Because despite being three years older than him, Kylie had found herself enjoying her time with Boris and him likewise. (It helped that she was hot, he reasoned, glad that somewhere in him still liked girls).
So he nicknamed her Kotku and they shared their life story while getting high.
Turns out, she fit right into their makeshift traumatized teen duo. She had parental problems, rumors about her mother, and derogatory names for herself. Plenty of issues. She lived on her own in a shitty hotel complex and was just as much of a junkie as they were, if not more.
He had gotten her to hang out with him and Theo on a few occasions but it seemed his two friends (who he was oddly attracted to both) were not very fond of each other. It was like getting a dog to peacefully play with a cat when they hadn't been close to each other before. And after two hangouts Theo only seemed to get irritated at him now. Starting to hide his hatred enough so that he could conceal it until she left and he could hate on her and Boris (for bringing her) afterwards. Why'd he think they were so compatible in the first place? What just because they had issues and did drugs? Theo wasn't a delinquent like her.
Theo's fears of her ruining their friendship was proven to have been rightfully worried about. The next time he saw Boris, the boy happily declared that the two of them kissed and were actually dating. Then went on to continue to say how great she was. It was like he was just trying to get Theo mad. He never showed any interest in her (other than an absentminded comment agreeing that she was hot) so why was he telling him this? Did Theo want to know how great of a kisser she was when he didn't care about that, when what he was really wondering was what kind of kisser Boris was.
That wasn't the only time either, everytime they talked she was mentioned. Theo was starting to feel bored of talking to Boris, and it was a realization that he wasn't proud of. He used to always look forward to talking to him, whenever they got the chance to he'd jump for it. He always cherished every moment. But now it was only ever Kotku this and Kotku that and Theo just wanted it to be the two of them again.
So he limited his time with Boris.
At first it was just something little, like not immediately going home together but hanging out later, or staying a shorter time together at their house. But over time, Them got bolder and quite frankly, grumpier and they just spent less and less time together. Until their time was practically none. Only brief conversations during school, in the halls or some moments during their shared classes. Now they were just like a regular school friend to one another.
But that had been what Boris wanted, wasn't it? To be normal.
But the brat was never satisfied and found himself still saddened. What else could he want? He had a 'normal' friendship with a boy and a hot girlfriend. Wasn't that what most teenage boys wanted? Friends and chicks? So then why the fuck was Boris still not satisfied?
Maybe it was because this 'normal' wasn't their normal. Heck when the two first met they immediately jumped to best friends, their bond had been immediate. But now they went backwards. Reverting to stages they've never been. And it was lonely. For both of them.
Theo quite literally had no one. Boris had really been his only friend, and now he was back to what life was like before the Pavlikovsky's ever moved in. Just now with the addiction to alcohol and drugs.
And Boris, tried to ignore the hollowness by spending time with Kotku. Showing her love, cuddles, kisses, the whole shebang. He thought maybe making love to her would make him forget his unrequited love for his friend. And Kotku was more than happy to let him. She encouraged it actually.
He wasn't blind, he could see how desperately she'd putten herself out there for him. Yet a small part of him melted at that, knowing that despite his desires, people still liked him. That he could find someone who may have been interested in him the way he was to Theo.
Yet by the time Theo had completely pulled away from him he found that the chances of her love being genuine was not very high. Over time it had started to seem she just wanted to be pleased by him. She no longer innocently cuddled with him, hands always ending up trailing to make it something further. She didn't let him pepper her with kisses and leave it at that, always needing more by the end of it. On top of her use of just his body, she had a boyfriend a few years older than her who was out of school.
Meaning the chances of her wanting to be in an actual relationship with him was even lower than Theo's list of past friends. Which if you couldn't have guessed, was low.
In spite of that, he found himself unable to leave her.
He tried thinking over ways to break it off but it never got close to coming out of his mouth. In a twisted way, he couldn't break up with her. Almost as if he yearned for the sense of normalcy that she gave him. He felt drowned, but at least he was normal.
Boris laid alone in his house that night. His father off at work like usual, Kotku with her stupid older boyfriend, and...Theo hadn't been over in days. Regardless of everything else happening, the thing he felt bad about most was his situation with Theo. His absence was loud despite how quiet everything had been without him. And that had been what was eating at him the most. It made him want to curl into a ball and tug his hair. He was the reason for driving Theo away, it was harsh but true. Yet at the same time if he confessed to Theo how he really felt or why he felt the need to date Kotku then that would only have the same outcome, maybe even something worse.
Boris got out of his cocoon from under the covers, his knees wobbled as he walked. Threatening to give out from how sad and pathetic Boris was. He was going to just use a kitchen knife but that felt wrong. He would be completely tarnishing it and Boris felt he might have to throw it out because it felt wrong to use it for food after. No amount of cleaning would fix that. So he went to the bathroom instead, the only thing he could find was a shaving razor.
He grimaced, the idea irked him of using the whole razor so he played doctor and picked it apart till he just held the actual blade in his hand. Much better.
Violating his own skin had not been an issue for him. He used to inject drugs through a syringe at some point in his past, his upper arm still had a few faded dots. Though, now that he thought about it, maybe that wasn't as serious as this.
He didn't care though, shows always said it helped, maybe it did.
It was good to listen to TV sometimes. There could be some truths or half truths behind the makeup and effects. He winced during the first cut but the second was smoother, it really did relieve some of the pain. All he needed was to be hurt, or rather harmed by his own hand. Receive the pain that he made Theo feel, make up for it by ruining his own skin. All while selfishly making himself feel better.
He really was sick. Messed up in the head if he was feeling better from pain. He wasn't a masochist, was he?
He managed to get through a few before the adrenaline wore off and he realized the red mess on the white. He scrambled to stop the blood from dripping and wrapped it up. Not bothering to disinfect it, just dabbing the blood to make it sort of clean. When his arm was secured in bandages he got to work on cleaning the counters and the few spots on the floor it had dripped onto. He should've been worried that the blood may stain but the buzz going through him was keeping him fuzzy and worry-free. Funny, it was kind of like he was high but a bit less. Maybe he never needed to become an addict in the first place if all he needed was something sharp and a bit of skin.
Food didn't seem appetizing so he didn't eat, he spent the rest of the day in bed nursing his bandaged left arm. And the next day for school he wore long sleeves and made sure that they stayed down. There wasn't really anyone to question it though. The only person that would tell Boris was hiding an injury was the person who had no intention of talking to him probably ever. He always wore long sleeves, the teachers stopped batting an eye.
From that day on whenever things got too stressful he found himself back in the bathroom skiting at his skin. Eventually he stopped flinching with each stride of blade on skin and instead felt a rush of haze go to his head. He still drank and did drugs, those still made him feel amazing. He just added this to the list of indulgences that made his head go brr and nerves tingle with mixed sensations.
He didn't bother to count how many times he damaged his skin in that bathroom. That would be like expecting him to count how many cigarettes he had or how many times he resorted to alcohol.
It was just one of those things that became his normal. (Kind of like how hanging out with Theo had been before- back to the bathroom..)
In Theo's defense, he had all reason to be upset and angered. He had all right to ignore Boris and want better for himself. Someone who would treat him better and like the angel he deserved to be treated as. Find himself a kind girl who liked him and his silly little ways.
(Boris liked him and his silly ways! Why couldn't he be a girl?)
Theodore Decker deserved better, here he was though, still giving him a chance. A chance that Boris knew he didn't deserve.
"Larry gave me money, I was thinking we could go to the supermarket and get a few things. I think it's about time anyways, and your father's not going to be back for a few more days so you should-" Boris was surprised by the offer. He wouldn't usually have been, they always did this. Except Boris used to be a good person then.
"Sorry, Potter, you can go without" it hurt him to have to say, he just didn't feel as though he'd be able to go be so playful with Theo or even deserve a portion of his money with how awful he felt he was being to him. His stomach dropped when he saw Theo's reaction. He seemed so.. disappointed. Like Boris was letting him down. The taller of the two might as well have physically attacked the latter from that reaction.
"Why?" Theo resorted, mouth dry and an unexplainable lump in his throat.
"I- Kotku and I are going to be spending time together" he lied. She was with her boyfriend. He'd been in town so they were spending as much time as possible, which left Boris now alone too. Kotku offered for him to come but he declined. Not wanting to pretend to just be some friend, he also feared that she would make him undress and he didn't have a way to explain his arms.
"Oh.." Boris wanted to run. He was outside of his own house though, he couldn't leave Theo on the front porch. He might just have to disappear from the Earth if he did that, he would not be able to face him again. "That's fine then. I'll uh, talk.to you later" Boris smiled at that, (after all this time and all the bad thoughts still in his head it felt gross to smile. But Theo brought out the best in him).
"ебать" he drooped forward with a sigh. The foreign boy was exhausted with the toll of everything. He felt heavy with guilt and wrong and just lied to his bratnia dusza so cut him some slack.
To say he was in a depressive state would be an understatement.
Clumsily and disorientedly he went to his room, shutting the door behind him. Who knew guilt ate this much at a person. Was this an over exaggeration? It was just a friend after all..
He threw anything that could get him intoxicated or fuzzy onto the bed. When there was a pile of various bottles, drugs, a razor, and a pack of cigarettes with a lighter on his bed, he brought himself to it to fall onto. He couldn't hurt anyone if he stayed inside, maybe if he stayed drunk/high then he could live in his own little fantasy until he felt energized enough to face civilization again.
It sounded like a plan to him.
He didn't even debate whether it was a good one or not, but when had he ever?
He locked himself in his room for four days, skipped school all of them and didn't move from the bed, apart from using the bathroom. He stayed dazed the whole time, who knew what his alcohol level would be by now, not to mention the drugs in his system too. His vision was so blurry he almost pricked his finger when he reached for the syringe. He was beyond drunk but here he was still doing more. Was he trying to end life? He might as well be.
His limbs felt heavy but he managed to bring his arm up enough to inject around half of the liquid into himself before he was interrupted with a wave of sickness. Leaning over the side of the bed to vomit and…and..what happened?
Over the course of those four days Theo had grown increasingly worried. He even resorted to visiting Kotku. He bought groceries for Boris and left the things that didn't need to be refrigerated or frozen out on the porch, no one was answering and then the door was locked so he assumed Boris was, like he said, just with Kotku. But then he didn't show to school, and the bags were still there, and no one was answering.. he just didn't return home. Yeah, be reasonable Theo.
Day three was not much better. He tried the backdoor but that was locked too. Why did Boris now have to be a good kid and protect himself? The neighborhood was empty anyways, he never locked it before.
"Boris pick up- where have you been? You're not showing up to school and your house is locked, Kotku doesn't know where you are either. Please, I know we weren't on the best of terms but please answer Boris. I'm worried," Theo could only leave a voicemail. He had been pacing, Popchyk following after him by the heels.
He knew how stubborn Boris could be, sometimes holding a grudge for no reason aside from the fact that he can. If that was the case then Theo was slightly annoyed he took it so far but if it meant just seeing him to know that he was okay so then he was fine with being the one to apologize first.
The fourth day with not even a reply back, Theo lost it. He checked back at the house, both doors were still locked and with his worry he may or may not have broken the front door lock with a rock. It was just a possibility..that would stay between him and hopefully just him I'd he could get it fixed in time before Mr. Pavlikovsky came home.
"Boris? You here?" Theo called, looking around for any signs of his friend. There wasn't anything that could've been tampered with recently. He hadn't been over in a long while already, this could've been weeks ago for all he knew. "Boris?" Popchyk wandered around the house. He brought him along because he needed a walk and he knew how much of a softie the Russian was for the bundle of matted fur. While he looked around, Popchyk seemed to have gone immediately to Boris' room upstairs. Theo didn't pay any mind until the dog started barking relentlessly. He sighed, bounding up the stairs to hush Popchyk, until he smelt the familiar scent of cigarettes. Except to the extreme. If he had the guess then a window certainly wasn't opened.
"Boris? Can you open the door?" Why was this locked too? At this rate he was starting to think he had been kidnapped or something. Popchyk hadn't stopped yapping, dogs could sense when something was wrong, right? Shit, bad time to remember that little fact. Theo nudged the door but when it didn't open he ran down the steps to find something thin enough to pick the lock.
He'd been correct, a window had not been open and the room was foggy and thick with smoke. A joint was haphazardly still lit and burning in the ashtray, he quickly ran to put it out. Among it laid what must've been a whole box and a half of buds. Boris was on the floor, a puddle of sick nearby and the various amounts of harmful things on his bed were alarming too. Theo's mind had not been merciful, thinking about all the vile things that could've happened.
"Boris!? Fuck, come on, wake up and then I'll call someone, okay? But I need you to wake up first for me. Please, please wake up, please!" Theo was not very gentle, but how could anyone be when the love of their life was probably dying from an overdose! He was shaking Boris, elevating his head with his hand and pushing on his chest and shoulders, lightly slapping his face, trying to do anything at this point to wake him up. He recited 'wake up,' and 'please Boris,' ceaselessly in attempts to finally get through. At some point for the sake of his own mind he checked his neck, the pulse under it was slow and…he didn't take first aid but he doubted it should be like this, it had been near impossible to find.
"Popchyk, stay with him" as if that would do anything- it helped his mind, that's all that mattered. He ran down the steps, missing a few of them in his rush to get to the phone. He dialed 911, his chest was tight. Air did not feel like it was going through fully but he had to remain calm, Boris had always helped him through his issues so for once in his damn life he could return the favor. He needed to be there. While he spoke to the lady on the other line he did his best to explain what he knew. He didn't want to call Boris out for the drugs, he was actually scared about that, but Boris was about to die. If it meant anything, he'd sell himself out if the consequences for Boris are severe, that way they'll both suffer together. Just like always, because when they were together it didn't feel like suffering.
The phone was useless to him now, he left it on the bed but on speaker in case something useless would be said. In the meantime he tried to do what he could. He sort of wished it was blood, at least then he'd have an objective and can do something with his hands. But the drugs were inside of Boris, decaying at him, there was nothing he could do other than cradle his unconscious body.
"Please…Boris you need to wake up okay? I promise if you wake up I'll be a better friend again, I won't get jealous of Kotku anymore, I'll let you tease me all you want- just please wake up. You can't die, because.. because if you do then I do. I find myself thinking about you all the time, your the only good thing in my life Boris..I won't know what to do if your gone" he was breathless and hiccupping by the end, tears falling onto the body below him.
Stupid out of proportion neighborhood being so far out, where was the ambulance? Theo kept him close, his limp head against his chest, arms tightly around Boris' upper torso. He leant his head against the cushion of dark curls, his glasses fallen to the side where he didn't bother checking if they broke from the impact. It seemed like forever until the ambulance arrived, Theo missed the top of Boris' head, promising to be right back. He grabbed his glasses and put them on while once again running downstairs. He felt like he was actually doing something by alerting the ambulance. No need to make them find them.
From the whole time they were waiting for the ambulance the only sort of response that Theo got was a gargled attempt at a noise from the back of the throat. But at least it was something, he wasn't dead. And surely he'd stay that way.
Everything had been a bit unclear, it felt like everything was moving quickly without a beat. Theo barely registered how he got in the waiting room, pacing while he waited for the medics to aid the teen. Mr. Pavlikovsky had been contacted and actually arrived. Theo had to admit, he had been expecting the father to be a no-show. But Boris was always telling him that he wasn't always so bad, and more often than not didn't actually mean to harm him. "He's just a sloppy drunk Potter, he'll apologize and ask for forgiveness once he sees" Boris had reassured him one time when Theo found him bleeding.
He was always defending the dad but Theo couldn't bring himself to really think much better of him. But the genuine worry in that man's eyes, it was enough for Theo to feel sorry.
The two sat in tense silence. They both cared deeply for the ravenette, Mr. Pavlikovsky loved his son, despite how negligent he was towards him. And Boris was Theo's lifeline, he didn't think he'd be able to function without him.
The nurse came out, holding a clipboard close to herself.
"His blood alcohol level was .45 which is extremely fatal, especially for a child. He hasn't woken up yet but he's still breathing. He's lucky to be breathing still after that. We found an assortment of drugs in his system along with the alcohol. We'll question him about that when he's awake and stable but if it was just a one time thing, if he was trying to..um..commit suicide then we'll have to keep him under suicide watch as well." She explained. He'll make sure to tell Boris that, while he feared death might've been the goal, he needed Boris to lie and say it was all just a one time thing and that he's never drank or did drugs before.
When in reality it was due to his avid drinking that saved his life.
A BAC of .45 with any normal person would've made them stop breathing and had an impossibly high chance of death. It was because Boris drank so much, because he drank alcohol like athletes drank water or teens drank Pepsi, that his body was fairly accustomed to the contents. His heart didn't stop because it knew how to handle something of the sorts, just not to that particular extreme.
They both were allowed to see him. He was dressed in a hospital gown that had short sleeves to make room for the IVs on his left hand that trailed from his upper arm to his inner elbow. On his right he had a singular one on his knuckle where even Theo had noticed was particularly veiny, (it was one of the things he loved to look at). But more importantly, past those IVs…were cuts. Both arms (mainly the left) had various marks, overlapping and a deep faded red. Not all had been from the same day clearly, a few stood out in a more brighter, recent, way.
Theo felt nauseous. With how many there were, it had to have been happening for days.. how come he hadn't noticed it sooner? There had to have been signs- oh. They hadn't been hanging out for Theo to notice the signs.
Guilt pooled in Theo's gut, and Mr. Pavlikovsky, who noticed the scars too, went to caress the forearm with no IV's and was muttering something in Ukrainian. Tears pooling in both their eyes from the sight of their драгоценный Борис.
Theo had nowhere else to be and stayed in the hospital, Mr. Pavlikovsky stayed for a long while but was in and out of the room, doing the hospital paperwork and talking to his boss that he won't be at work for a few days. Theo was fine with that, it gave him the ability to peck Boris' cheek and hold his hand. Boris did at some point wake up, stirring around. Theo wasted no time rambling and apologizing, letting the bottled up tears fall.
The first time in the last few weeks, Boris felt himself actually let out a genuine cackle. Granted, the action hurt his chest but he needed to laugh. The sweet, comforting, sound of Boris' laughter had silenced him, eyes watery and nose snuffly he stared baffled at him. Was it the medicine or something? He was probably still drunk. Why was he laughing right now?
"I heard-" the coughing that interrupted startled Theo, and made himself scramble around for some water. "I heard everything from earlier. How much you care" came the tease, but the usual playful malice behind it wasn't there. It was just complete fondness. "I have confession too, Theo. I love you, is why I dated Kotku. I..I got scared you'd hate me, or something. So I pushed you away, and then felt awful." Boris' voice was soft, probably the softest Theo ever heard him. A small tremble among the hesitance. "It's weird, I know" had been quickly added, a forced smile trying to lighten the mood.
"Well..if that's weird to you then we're weird together, because I love you too Boris. I was jealous of Kotku, I wanted you to like me now you like her." Boris responded the way he knew best. Smashing their lips together in a clumsy kiss.
Theo could taste the alcohol and cigarettes off him, it was a very Boris-like taste, just intensified. Theo pulled them back together once more before letting them completely pull apart.
"So we're?" Boris trailed, exhaustion still shown through every movement and breath but his eyes were alive with mischief as he asked. Theo rolled his eyes playfully.
"I'd assume so. Unless your-"
"Nope we're together" Boris declared giggling, he wanted to kiss him again but his arms were not very movable due to the pain and stupid Theo kept too much personal space between them.
"I like being weird together" Boris' mumble turned into a yawn, Theo helped him lay back.
"Me too. Rest Boris, I'll be here when you wake up. Your dad is too."
"я тебе люблю" Theo recognized that word from how many times Boris had said it to him. Even when those times were either platonic, intoxicated, or teasing.
"I love you too" Theo tucked him in, cuddling beside him to keep him wrapped. He seemed so small under him now, like a little plush toy. Theo didn't mean to fall asleep too, but his panic attack in the ambulance and just general worry caught up to him.
So that's how Mr. Pavlikovsky found them. His son being held like a child would do to their keepsake.