Fury Takes The Wheel

After having gotten the whole story out of Coulson, Fury feels that the team have not performed as well as they could have on their road trip. He decides to take them on another road trip – and this time, he’s coming too. None of the team are particularly pleased by this, except for Coulson, who is under the impression that this time, he won’t be coming. With only mild trauma and superficial wounds, the Avengers survive another bonding experience, and Fury lives up to his name.

Notes:

The length (and quality) of these is slowly declining, so, um, sorry about that, I guess. Correction of mistakes/reviews or something are, as ever, welcome and indeed encouraged in the comments.
Dedicated to Eva.
Again, timings refer to how long the trip's been going on for, but you knew that already.

Work Text:

-2.00

Fury is attempting to gather all of the Avengers together by the van. He has managed to gather Bruce and Steve together by the van.

-1.55

Fury sends Bruce and Steve to go and find the others and bring them back to the van.

-1.52

Coulson appears. He asks Fury how the trip is going. Fury doesn’t reply.

-1.46

Bruce returns with Thor. Steve returns alone. Steve says Tony is determinedly unconscious and refuses to get up. Fury tells Steve that Tony doesn’t have to be conscious, he just has to be in the van. Fury sends Steve back to get Tony.

-1.42

Coulson makes a sarcastic comment about how well the trip is going. Fury glares at Coulson.

-1.37

Coulson says he is glad he isn’t going on this trip. Fury tells him he is going.

-1.35

Coulson is sulking. Steve has not yet returned. Natasha and Clint have not yet appeared.

-1.32

Fury sends Coulson to find Natasha and Clint.

-1.28

Steve returns with an unconscious Tony in his arms. He dumps him unceremoniously in the back of the van.

-1.22

Tony wakes up. He realises he is in the van, in his pyjamas. He tries to leave the van. Fury won’t let him.

-1.20

Tony asks Fury if he can go and get dressed. Fury won’t let him.

-1.27

Tony goes back to sleep.

-1.24

Coulson returns with Natasha. She doesn’t know where Clint is. Coulson says Clint is not in his bedroom.

-1.21

Fury sends Coulson, Steve and Bruce to look for Clint.

-1.24

Coulson returns without Clint.

-1.22

Bruce returns without Clint.

-1.19

Steve returns without Clint.

-1.14

Fury sends Natasha to look for Clint.

-1.10

Natasha returns without Clint.

-1.03

Natasha suggests they check the ceilings for Clint.

-0.54

They find Clint in the ceiling.

-0.51

Fury has gathered everyone together by the van. Clint needs to pee.

-0.47

Coulson advises Fury to let Clint pee. Clint goes to the bathroom.

-0.42

Clint returns. Fury tells everyone to get in the van.

-0.39

Tony is still unconscious on the floor of the van. Steve straps him into his seat.

-0.34

There are not enough seats in the back of the van for everyone. Everyone offers to stay behind. Fury refuses.

-0.31

Natasha and Coulson are sharing the front seat. There are now enough seats for everyone.

-0.27

Clint tries to persuade Steve to swap seats with him. Steve almost does, then remembered what happened to Clint’s seat.

-0.24

Fury starts the van. They try to leave.

-0.23

The van breaks down. They have not yet managed to leave.

-0.21

Steve wakes up Tony. Fury makes Tony fix the van.

-0.14

Tony has fixed the van. Tony needs to pee.

-0.11

Tony is back. They try to leave again.

-0.10

Thor is hungry. He asks if they can go back for some food. They do.

-0.04

The back of the van is now filled with food. Thor is happy. Fury is not.

0.00

They finally depart. Fury can now see why the last road trip did not go well.

0.04

Tony is asleep again. Everyone else is unusually quiet. Fury is beginning to think that this might not be too bad.

0.08

Coulson turns on the radio. Everyone starts singing along. Fury is beginning to think that this might be absolutely awful.

0.10

Thor’s loud and tuneless singing has woken Tony up. Tony is extremely grumpy.

0.12

Tony is designing noise-cancelling earplugs.

0.14

Fury wishes he had noise-cancelling earplugs.

0.17

Fury turns off the radio. Thor keeps singing.

0.18

Fury tells Thor to shut up. He does.

0.21

Tony is bored. He says so. Loudly and often.

0.23

Fury tells Tony to shut up.

0.24

Fury is enforcing a rule of silence. There is an air of quiet discontent in the van. Fury wonders how they survived the last trip.

0.27

Everyone is bored. They tell Fury. He tells them to shut up.

0.32

Everyone is still bored. They ask if they can play a game.

0.33

Fury asks what sort of game. Steve suggests I Spy and Twenty Questions. Tony suggests “Fury went to the store and bought”.

0.34

Fury asks what “Fury went to the store and bought” is.

0.35

Tony explains.

0.36

Fury is not happy. They do not play “Fury went to the store and bought”.

0.39

Steve begins a game of I Spy. He spies something beginning with “F”.

0.40

Tony guesses “Fury”. He is right. Tony also spies something beginning with “F”.

0.41

Clint guesses “Fury”. He is wrong.

0.43

Natasha guesses “Fun”. She is close. Clint points out that there is nothing fun within a mile radius of the van.

0.47

Clint guesses “Fun-killer”. He is right. Clint points out that this is the same as “Fury”.

0.48

Fury has reinstated his rule of silence.

0.50

Tony is bored.

0.53

Fury produces an ABBA CD. He puts it on at full volume. The entire van, including Fury, sings along to Dancing Queen.

1.10

Fury knows all the words to Take A Chance On Me, Mamma Mia, Lay All Your Love On Me, Super Trouper, I Have A Dream, The Winner Takes It All, and Money, Money, Money. The Avengers are wondering what else they didn’t know about him.

1.15

Coulson and Fury are singing S.O.S. together. Tony wonders whether they’re secretly married.

1.21

Coulson and Fury are singing Voulez-Vous . Tony has decided that they’re definitely secretly married.

1.29

Everyone is singing along to Thank You For The Music . No one is singing in tune.

1.32

Thor is eating the last of the food and singing along to Waterloo with his mouth full. Everyone else is trying not to look at Thor.

1.36

Everyone is singing along to Dancing Queen again. Even Steve and Thor know all the words.

1.42

Tony is singing Mamma Mia at Steve. Steve is studiously ignoring Tony. He wishes Tony were less embarrassing.

1.45

Clint is singing Lay All Your Love On Me to Natasha. Natasha starts singing along. Tony wishes Steve would sing ABBA songs with him.

1.49

Tony is sulking. Steve is wondering why Tony is mad at him.

1.52

Steve asks Tony why he’s mad at him. Tony says it’s because he won’t sing ABBA songs with him. Steve says Tony is being silly. Tony is sulking even more determinedly.

1.54

Tony stops sulking to sing The Winner Takes It All , pausing occasionally to glare at Steve. Steve sighs every time Tony glares at him.

1.59

Steve sings Chiquitita to Tony. Tony cheers up considerably.

2.02

Steve and Tony are cuddling. Clint pretends to vomit but secretly finds it adorable. Bruce wishes they would move it further into Steve’s seat. He’s being slightly squashed.

2.04

Bruce tries to push Tony and Steve away from him. Tony thinks Bruce is jealous and tries to include him in the hug. Bruce does not want to be included in the hug. He tries to resist. He fails.

2.05

Bruce is feeling even more uncomfortable. He even contemplates switching seats with Clint.

2.06

Fury is singing along to Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight) . Natasha is filming him on her phone.

2.08

Fury noticed Natasha filming him and has confiscated her phone. He doesn’t realise she has already sent the video file to Tony, who is currently uploading it to Youtube.

2.12

Tony has emailed the video link to every SHIELD employee.

2.13

Coulson is watching the video on his phone and trying to stifle his laughter.

2.14

Fury has noticed Coulson watching the video. He asks who is responsible. No one owns up.

2.15

Fury assumes that Tony is responsible. He tells him to delete the video. Tony reluctantly obeys. He wonders how many SHIELD employees managed to watch the video.

2.16

From the number of texts Fury is suddenly receiving, it was a lot.

2.17

Fury has turned off the ABBA music. Everyone is disappointed.

2.20

Fury is enforcing a rule of silence again.

2.24

Tony quietly starts a game of “Fury went to the store and bought” with Steve and Bruce.

2.28

Fury hears their muffled giggles and asks what they’re doing. They stop playing “Fury went to the store and bought”.

2.32

Coulson turns on the radio. Voulez-Vous starts playing. Fury turns off the radio.

2.35

Tony and Steve are back in their respective seats. They are having an argument. No one is quite sure what it is about.

2.38

Tony and Steve are still squabbling.

2.41

Bruce has somehow joined in with Tony and Steve’s argument. It has gotten very loud.

2.44

Bruce, Tony and Steve are now hitting, biting, scratching and pulling each other’s hair.

2.49

Clint has somehow joined in with the fight.

2.52

Thor has also joined the fight.

2.55

Natasha has climbed into the back to try and break up the fight.

2.56

Natasha has joined the fight.

2.59

Fury says he will turn the van around if they don’t stop fighting immediately.

3.01

Fury turns the van around.

3.04

Fury pulls over, and goes round to the back of the van. He yells until they stop fighting. He gets back into the van and turns it around again. They continue driving in silence.

3.06

Natasha is back in the front seat with Coulson. She seems to be the only uninjured Avenger. The others are nursing their wounds and sulking in the back.

3.10

Clint needs to pee. Fury refuses to stop.

3.12

Everyone needs to pee. Fury pulls over at the next service station and everyone goes to the bathroom, including Fury.

3.15

Fury is first to arrive back. He realises he left the keys in the van. He realises this because the van has vanished.

3.19

Coulson and Natasha arrive back. They ask where the van is. Fury has to say he doesn’t know.

3.21

Thor and Steve arrive back. They ask where the van is. Natasha tells them Fury lost it. Natasha almost wishes Tony was there to making a joke about Fury having lost it a long time ago.

3.24

Tony and Clint arrive back. The van has still not reappeared. Tony asks how Fury managed to lose the van. Clint says it’s his natural talent. Fury tells them both to shut up.

3.27

They find the van. It is speeding up the wrong side of the road and crashes into a shiny BMW.

3.32

They find Loki in the wreckage. He giggles and vanishes as Fury tries to grab hold of him. Tony mutters something about a dysfunctional family. Thor looks upset.

3.35

The BMW is a write-off. Fury is arguing with its owner, an angry, red-faced man. The van looks even more bedraggled than before, but appears to still be working.

3.39

Fury has persuaded the BMW’s owner that he doesn’t want to sue them. They get back in the van.

3.42

The van starts, eventually. They set off again.

3.45

Thor is hungry. He sees a McDonald’s and ask if they can stop. They can’t.

3.49

Tony is also hungry.

3.53

Everyone is hungry. They want to stop. Fury refuses.

3.59

Everyone is still hungry. They still want to stop. Fury still refuses.

4.02

They see a McDonald’s and ask to stop. Fury gives in.

4.05

This McDonald’s does not have a drive-thru. Fury threatens them with extreme corporal punishment if they don’t behave and they go in.

4.07

Everyone in the McDonald’s is giving Tony weird looks. They remember that Tony is still in his pyjamas.

4.09

Tony stares at everyone giving him weird looks until they look away, embarrassed. Some of them begin to think that they, too, should be wearing pyjamas.

4.16

They order their food and claim two tables in the corner. Fury remains at the counter to wait for the food.

4.18

Fury joins them at their tables with the food. They begin eating loudly and messily. Everyone is staring at them.

4.22

A little boy at the next table asks Steve if he’s Captain America. Steve smiles and says he is. The boy asks what Captain America is doing in McDonald’s. Tony says that is one of the great mysteries of life. Steve says he’s eating his lunch.

4.25

A guy at the next table starts hitting on Natasha. Clint has to hold her back to stop her breaking his arms. Everyone gives them a wide berth after that.

4.29

Thor asks if he can have a McFlurry. Fury says no.

4.31

Tony asks if he can have a McFlurry. Fury says no.

4.34

Coulson buys himself a McFlurry.

4.39

Fury buys McFlurries for everyone else to stop them complaining.

4.42

They leave the McDonald’s. Fury contemplates abandoning the trip.

4.46

Tony and Steve are squabbling again. Fury tells them to stop.

4.49

Fury says he will pull over and make them sorry they were ever born if they don’t stop arguing immediately.

4.52

Fury pulls over, drags Tony and Steve out of the van, and yells at them for two minutes straight. They return to the van in silence.

4.58

Tony is bored.

5.02

Tony asks if they can play a game.

5.04

Tony starts a game of “Fury went to the store and bought”. Fury went to the store and bought an axe.

5.05

No one else wants to join in Tony’s game.

5.06

Tony continues by himself. Fury went to the store and bought an axe and a bra.

5.07

Fury went to the store and bought an axe, a bra and a carrot.

5.08

Fury went to the store and bought an axe, a bra, a carrot, and a dildo.

5.09

Fury’s rule of silence has been reinstated. Tony is banned from talking for the rest of the journey.

5.13

Tony says he’s bored. Fury tells Tony to shut up.

5.16

Tony says he’s bored. Fury threatens Tony with cruel and unusual punishment unless he shuts up immediately.

5.20

Tony says he’s bored. Fury pulls over. He makes Tony get out of the van. He gets back into the van. He drives off, leaving Tony by the side of the road.

5.24

Steve asks if they can go back for Tony. They can’t.

5.27

Tony phones Steve and asks if they can come back for him. They can’t.

5.31

Coulson takes Tony’s seat in the back of the van. He says Tony will be fine. Steve disagrees. They begin to argue.

5.33

Clint joins the argument.

5.36

Thor and Bruce join the argument.

5.39

Fury pulls over. He yells at everyone to shut up. He tells them he is turning the van around. He says the road trip is over.

5.40

Fury turns the van around. They begin driving back the way they came in silence.

5.28

They drive past Tony. Steve asks if they can pick him up. Fury ignores him. Tony stares sadly at the van as it drives past him, and starts to walk after it. Steve mouths “I’m sorry” through the back window.

5.22

Steve can no longer see Tony through the back window. He wonders what will happen to him.

5.33

Steve wonders whether the rest of the drive home will be conducted in silence. Fury is steaming silently. Steve thinks this road trip hasn’t been a success.

5.36

Natasha opens her window. Fury closes it.

5.39

Natasha turns on the radio. Fury turns it off.

5.43

Natasha turns on the air conditioning. Fury turns it off.

5.47

Natasha turns on the hazards. Fury turns them off.

5.50

Natasha reaches for the control panel. Fury tells her that the next finger to touch a button is going out the window. Natasha returns her hand to her lap.

6.01

Bruce starts humming.

6.02

Fury tells whoever is humming to shut up.

6.10

Clint asks if they can stop to pee. They can’t.

6.16

Clint really needs to pee. Fury refuses to stop.

6.19

Steve is still staring out of the back window. He is thinking about Tony. He wonders whether Tony is thinking about him. He wonders what has happened to Tony. He contemplates asking if they can go back for him but decides against it.

6.22

Clint still needs to pee. He asks if they can stop. They can’t.

6.27

Steve receives a text from Tony. It is filled with expletives, mainly directed at Fury. Steve replies with sympathy. Tony tells Steve exactly where he can stick his sympathy. Steve doesn’t reply.

6.31

Clint is bouncing in his seat. Fury tells him to stop. Clint tells him he needs to pee. Fury tells him that’s too bad.

6.36

Steve receives a text from Tony. It says “sorry”. Steve doesn’t reply.

6.42

Clint really, really needs to pee. He says he will probably wet himself soon. Fury tells him that’s too bad.

6.48

Steve receives a text from Tony. It says “super-mega-sorry with knobs on”. Steve doesn’t reply.

6.51

Clint is starting to look really desperate. Bruce hands him an empty bottle. Clint raises one eyebrow, and declines. He asks Fury if they can stop to pee. They can’t.

6.55

Clint pees in the bottle. Everyone else tries to sit as far away from him as possible.

6.58

Clint looks for something to do with the bottle. No one wants the bottle anywhere near them.

7.01

Clint throws the bottle out the window. Fury tells him off for littering. Clint says he only did it because Fury wouldn’t let him pee. Fury doesn’t reply.

7.06

Steve receives a text from Tony. It says “I’m really really really really really really sorry”. Steve doesn’t reply.

7.13

Clint says he’s bored. Fury tells him to shut up. Fury starts speeding.

7.18

A cop car appears behind them. Fury continues speeding.

7.20

The cops are telling them to pull over. Fury continues speeding.

7.21

Coulson tells Fury to pull over. He does (eventually).

7.29

The cop asks Fury if he knows how fast he was going. Fury asks the cop if he knows who he is. The cop doesn’t.

7.31

Steve appears. The cop knows who he is. He says he’ll let them go if he can have Steve’s autograph. Steve agrees. Fury looks disgruntled.

7.34

Fury continues speeding.

7.41

Fury is pulled over again. This cop doesn’t care that Captain America, Black Widow, Hawkeye, Thor and the Hulk are in the van. Natasha asks him to reconsider his decision. With some persuasion, he does. He winces as he returns to his car.

7.45

Fury continues speeding.

7.48

Steve tells Fury to stop speeding. Fury ignores him.

7.52

Clint asks if they’re nearly there yet. Fury ignores him.

7.59

Thor asks if they can stop for food. Fury ignores him.

8.03

Steve says this is even worse than the last trip. Everyone agrees. Even Fury doesn’t object.

8.08

Fury turns on the radio. They listen to the news in silence.

8.12

The news is still on. It is extremely boring. It appears that nothing has happened, and yet they can talk about nothing having happened at great length.

8.17

Natasha changes the radio station. It is now playing an annoying pop song.

8.18

The annoying pop song is What Makes You Beautiful . Coulson knows all the words and sings along enthusiastically.

8.20

Fury turns off the radio.

8.21

They drive in silence. It is beginning to get dark.

8.23

They continue driving in silence.

8.26

Steve receives a text from Tony. It says “please talk to me”. Steve replies with “where are you?”

8.28

Steve receives a text from Tony. It says “I don’t know”. Steve replies with “Well, find out”.

8.33

Steve checks his phone for texts from Tony. Nothing.

8.36

Steve checks again. Nothing.

8.38

Steve asks if Tony has texted anyone else. He hasn’t.

8.41

Steve sends Tony a worried text.

8.44

Steve sends Tony another text.

8.47

Bruce tells Steve to stop worrying. Tony’s a big boy and he can look after himself.

8.49

Steve is still worrying.

9.04