Work Text:
-3.05
It is midday by the time Fury has managed to persuade Coulson to help him round up the Avengers for the road trip. Coulson is adamant that the trip is a bad idea, and will be worse than the last two trips combined. Fury is adamant that the Avengers need to become a functioning team if they want to be able to save the world next time they need to.
-2.57
Bruce appears. He asks why they are going on another road trip, although his question is more strongly worded than that. Fury tells him it is because he says so.
-2.54
Coulson is packing the van with items he thinks might be useful on the trip. These include tents, fishing rods, an iron maiden, several spare tires, a mechanic, an extensive first aid kit, a wide selection of weapons, a water distiller, more sleeping bags than they could possibly need, and a large can of heavy duty bug repellent.
-2.48
Coulson has filled the van with so much stuff that there is no room for any actual people to fit inside. Fury is making him unpack everything.
-2.46
Even the iron maiden.
-2.41
Coulson has repacked the van with a slightly more select choice of items.
-2.34
Fury has made Coulson unpack the van again, and leave it unpacked.
-2.28
Bruce has vanished. None of the other Avengers are anywhere to be seen.
-2.22
Coulson has found Natasha.
-2.13
Fury has persuaded Natasha to go on the trip. A lot of threats were exchanged in the process.
-2.04
Natasha has found Clint. His hiding place in the ceiling is beginning to get old. No one asks how Natasha managed to persuade him to come down.
-1.58
Coulson has found Bruce and Tony. They have barricaded themselves in Tony’s workshop and are working frantically on something. They are refusing to come out until it is finished.
-1.53
Coulson has found Steve. He’s still asleep. Coulson watches him for a moment, then wakes him up and tells him to go and get Tony and Bruce out of the workshop.
-1.50
Steve is standing outside of the workshop, yelling at Tony. Tony is pretending he can’t hear him.
-1.47
Tony has told Steve he’ll come out if he takes his shirt off.
-1.45
Tony was lying. Steve is angry.
-1.41
Coulson has found Thor. Using poptarts, he has bribed him to go and get Tony and Bruce out of the workshop.
-1.38
Thor has taken Mjolnir with him to the workshop. Coulson doesn’t think this is going to end well.
-1.34
Coulson was right. The door and barricade have both been smashed into tiny pieces, as well as most of the rest of the workshop, including whatever it was that Tony and Bruce were working on. The two scientists are both sulking.
-1.32
In the time it has taken to get Tony and Bruce out of the workshop, Clint and Natasha have vanished again. Steve is also missing, presumed sulking.
-1.30
Tony has gone off to look for Steve. Bruce doesn’t think that this is a particularly good idea.
-1.27
Bruce was right. Tony has found Steve and the two are currently having a shouting match.
-1.23
Tony and Steve are still yelling at each other. Coulson has sent Bruce to break up the argument.
-1.21
Bruce has joined in with the argument. All three of them are yelling over each other. Fury is contemplating just breaking up the team and letting the world take care of itself.
-1.17
Coulson has sent Thor to break up the argument.
-1.15
Thor can yell louder than the other three combined. He has managed to end the argument. Tony thinks he might have gone deaf in his right ear. Steve is still mad at Tony and is refusing to talk to him. Bruce is sitting in a corner, noise-cancelling headphones on, ignoring everyone and listening to calming music.
-1.09
Coulson has gone to look for Natasha and Clint. Fury has made Tony and Steve sit on opposite sides of the room. He has told Tony to think about what he’s done, and to apologise to Steve. Tony says he isn’t a child and refuses. Instead, he thinks about Steve’s abs. Steve is thinking about how childish Tony is.
-1.03
Thor has gone to get more poptarts. Fury has gone with him to make sure he doesn’t vanish. He says he is not going to let this trip be as bad as the last one. Tony says it’s already worse. Fury tells Tony to shut up.
-0.59
Bruce, Tony and Steve are sitting in awkward silence.
-0.56
Bruce has closed his eyes. Tony thinks he might have fallen asleep.
-0.52
Tony has left his corner to check whether or not Bruce is actually asleep. He does this by repeatedly poking Bruce in the stomach.
-0.50
Bruce is not asleep. He is glaring at Tony. Tony thinks he’s starting to look a little green. Wisely, he decides to return to his corner. Bruce closes his eyes again.
-0.44
Tony is trying to make conversation with Steve. Steve is studiously ignoring him.
-0.41
Tony has apologised to Steve. Steve is so amazed that he’s forgotten to be mad at Tony.
-0.37
Fury and Thor have returned. Thor is carrying a large stack of poptarts. Steve and Tony have made up and are making out. Fury is wondering where Coulson, Natasha and Clint are.
-0.32
Coulson is back with Natasha and Clint. Natasha looks thunderous. Coulson looks haunted. Clint looks exasperated.
-0.28
Fury is trying to get everyone into the van. Clint is trying to persuade someone else to take his seat. No one will.
-0.25
Bruce is refusing to get in the van unless he can ride shotgun. He says that the others are really testing his patience.
-0.21
Fury has agreed to let Bruce ride shotgun. Bruce is refusing to share the seat with anyone. The others are trying to work out how to fit everyone into the back.
-0.18
Tony has offered to share his seat with Steve. Everyone else objects.
-0.15
Tony has bolted an armchair to the floor of the van and attached a seat belt to it. He is now lounging in it whilst everyone else wishes they had thought of that first.
-0.11
The back of the van is now extremely cramped with the addition of the armchair. No one has any leg room. Everyone is annoyed and jealous of Tony.
-0.09
Fury is about to leave, then stops. He makes Clint go to the bathroom before they leave.
-0.04
Clint is back. Tony decides he needs the bathroom. He leaves without asking Fury.
0.00
Tony is, amazingly, back. He tips Clint out of his armchair and they leave.
0.05
The van is already making worrying noises. Fury hopes it will survive the trip.
0.09
Tony puts his feet in Steve’s lap. Steve shoves them off again. Steve is annoyed with Tony again.
0.12
Tony is trying to talk to Bruce. Bruce has his eyes shut and noise-cancelling headphones on. This doesn’t deter Tony.
0.16
Steve is wondering how Tony manages to keep up a one-sided conversation for so long. He decides that Tony just never listens to what anyone else says anyway.
0.19
Tony is still talking at Bruce and laughing at his own jokes. Thor is wondering when they’re going to stop to eat. Steve is wondering when Tony is going to stop talking. Clint has found a metal briefcase under Tony’s chair.
0.21
Tony has stopped talking at Bruce to take the briefcase back off of Clint. He is refusing to say what is in it. Steve thinks he knows. Steve is right. Clint thinks he knows. Clint is wrong.
0.23
Tony is back to talking at Bruce. Fury is annoyed by his constant chatter and tells him to shut up. Tony ignores him.
0.26
Steve asks how exactly these road trips are meant to be a bonding experience. He says that they are just making him hate the rest of the team more with each trip. Tony takes this personally and is now sulking. Everyone is secretly pleased because it means he has finally stopped talking.
0.31
Bruce is enjoying the leg room in the front. Everyone else is jealous.
0.35
Coulson suggests that if they take enough trips, they will learn to live with each other. Everyone shudders at the thought of eternal road trips.
0.39
Steve wonders what sort of team-building exercises they could do in a van.
0.42
Coulson googles team-building activities on his smartphone. He gives everyone a piece of paper and tells them to write down two truths and a lie about themselves. He tells them to keep the piece of paper secret.
0.44
Tony thinks this is a stupid game. He is refusing to join in.
0.45
Coulson has persuaded Tony to join in. Threats may or may not have been utilised in the process.
0.46
Tony asks what they do next. Coulson consults his phone and tells them they have to have a conversation for ten to fifteen minutes, quizzing each other on their truths and lies. Tony begins by asking Coulson what his lie was. Coulson tells him that’s not how it works.
1.01
Tony’s tactic of asking what everyone’s lie was hasn’t worked. He is adamant that this is a stupid game. Coulson tells them it’s time to move on to the next stage. The next stage is reading out the three statements and guessing which one is true.
1.03
Tony’s three statements are “I am a genius”, “I am the greatest person you’ll ever meet” and “I am an asshole”. Everyone guesses that the second one is a lie. Tony says it was the third one. No one agrees.
1.07
Thor’s three statements are “I am of Asgard”, “I like poptarts” and “I am a kitten”. Coulson doesn’t think that Thor is very good at this game.
1.10
Bruce is still wearing his noise-cancelling headphones. He did not join in with the game. Coulson is disappointed. He makes this very clear. Bruce doesn’t hear him. Bruce thinks this road trip is going much better than the previous ones.
1.14
Steve’s three statements are “Tony is an asshole”, “I don’t know what an iPhone is” and “I have hated every single moment of these road trips”. Coulson says that the first statement is not strictly about Steve. Tony says the first statement must be the lie. Everyone else thinks the third statement is the lie. They are all wrong. Steve tells them the second statement is the lie. He says they are all idiots.
1.21
Natasha’s three statements are all “This game is ridiculous”. Coulson tells her that’s not how to play the game. Natasha doesn’t care. She tells them to guess anyway.
1.27
Natasha finally reveals that the third statement had a tiny “n’t” next to the “is” and was therefore a lie. Coulson says the statements should have been about her. Natasha says she prefers to maintain an air of mystery.
1.32
Clint’s three statements are “I am a brilliant archer”, “I sleep in a nest” and “I’m the sexiest guy on the team”. Everyone thinks that the last statement is the lie. Clint tells them the second statement is the lie. No one believes him.
1.36
Coulson’s three statements are “I like watching Supernanny”, “Captain America is my idol” and “I think these road trips are a waste of time”. Everyone except Tony thinks the first statement is a lie. Coulson reveals that the third statement was a lie. He says he still has hope for the team. Everyone else is ashamed. They feel like they have let Coulson down. They all mentally promise to try to make this road trip a success.
1.39
Tony has already broken his promise by hijacking the speaker system and blasting loud, annoying music and singing along.
1.42
The rest of the team finally display some teamwork in their united efforts to stop Tony’s annoying music. They succeed. Coulson says he is proud of them. Tony says he is disappointed. No one cares.
1.46
Coulson suggests another team-building activity. Everyone objects. Coulson says he is disappointed. He had hoped that they were finally working as a team. They say that they are working as a team to stop him from making them do stupid team-building activities. Coulson gives in.
1.51
The van has broken down.
1.57
Tony has fixed the van. They set off again. Fury wonders whether they should get a new van. Tony thinks they should. He persuades everyone else to place bets on when it will next break down. Tony bets it will break down in half an hour. Steve thinks Tony has probably rigged this bet.
2.27
The van breaks down. Steve is certain that Tony has rigged the bet. No one pays Tony. Tony is sulking and refuses to fix the van.
2.32
Fury makes Tony fix the van. He does so, reluctantly. Fury tells him that if the van breaks down again, he will be taking the blame. Tony says that the van is only held together with Duct tape and hope, and that it will almost certainly break down again. Fury doesn’t care.
2.41
Tony has done his best with the van. It is still making worrying noises as they set off again, but at least it is moving.
2.45
Thor sees a McDonald’s and asks if they can stop. They can’t.
2.49
Clint needs to pee and asks if they can stop. They can’t.
2.53
Tony asks Clint if there’s something wrong with his bladder. Clint is offended. Tony says he was just concerned for his well-being. Clint isn’t buying it.
2.56
Fury needs to pee. He pulls over at the next service station. Clint is annoyed that they didn’t stop immediately for him, but decides not to argue and instead goes to pee. Tony decides to watch Clint and see how much he drinks for the rest of the journey. Steve says Tony has an unhealthy obsession with Clint’s bladder.
3.01
Fury comes back to find Tony sitting in the driver’s seat. Tony is ejected from the car. Forcibly.
3.03
Steve has taken Tony’s armchair. Tony pouts at him until he leaves it. Fury tells Tony he should share his chair. Tony says it’s his chair and he doesn’t want to share. Steve says that kids will be kids. Everyone laughs. Tony is offended.
3.05
Clint comes back. He has bought a two litre bottle of water. Tony asks whether that’s really a wise purchase. Clint says he’s thirsty.
3.12
They are back on the road. The van has started to make loud clanking noises.
3.14
Fury pulls over. They find that the exhaust pipe has become detached and is banging against the road. Tony fixes it. He tells Fury he should probably buy a new van. Fury tells him to shut up.
3.17
They continue driving in relatively amicable silence. Fury begins to think that this road trip might not be so bad after all.
3.21
Tony is bored. Fury begins to think that this road trip might be absolutely awful after all.
3.25
Tony begins a debate about who is the best Avenger. He says it is obviously him. He says he got the looks, the brains and the awesome suit. Everyone disagrees.
3.27
Coulson says the best Avenger is obviously Steve. Tony says that Steve can’t fly. Steve says that neither can Tony. Tony says he can. Steve says that the suit doesn’t count. Tony says that the suit is a part of him. Steve asks him why isn’t he wearing it right now, then. Tony says that it’s because he doesn’t want everyone to be dazzled by the amazing splendour of the suit. He says he’d rather they were dazzled by the amazing splendour of his astonishing good looks.
3.32
Natasha says she is obviously the best Avenger. Clint asks why. Natasha says it’s because she’s a woman. Clint laughs. Clint regrets it. Clint decides he agrees with Natasha.
3.36
Bruce removes his noise-cancelling headphones to join the conversation and say that, as much as he hates to admit it, he is probably the best. Tony asks why that is. Bruce says immortality is a pretty neat trick. Tony says that, as a demigod, Thor probably has him beat there, with the added advantage of not turning into a green rage monster. Bruce puts his noise-cancelling headphones back on.
3.42
Clint says that he doesn’t know about the best Avenger, but that the most annoying is definitely Tony. Everyone agrees. Tony is hurt.
3.46
Tony is sulking. Everyone else is enjoying the silence.
3.51
The van has started to make a new worrying noise. Fury pulls over. Tony cannot find the source of the noise. He wonders whether the van might be haunted. They set off again.
3.57
Tony suggests that they could use the worrying noises from the van as musical backing. He begins to join in with the noises.
4.01
Clint joins Tony. They begin to sing in harmony to the tune of the van.
4.06
Everyone except for Fury and Bruce has joined in. Tony thinks that they should probably start an acapella band. He thinks that the van has surprising musical talents.
4.10
Fury joins in with the singing.
4.13
Bruce removes his noise-cancelling headphones to ask what’s going on.
4.14
Bruce joins in with the singing.
4.16
Tony comments that if the Avengers are ever in need of work, they could always take up singing professionally. Fury thinks that this is probably a bad idea. Tony tells him that he always knew this initiative was really a super-secret boyband.
4.19
Fury is beginning to get tired of the singing. He tells them to stop. Tony says that Fury exists solely to ruin his fun.
4.22
Tony is sulking again. He says that the van must be upset now that it’s singing solo again. Fury doesn’t care.
4.25
It is beginning to get dark outside. Tony asks when they’re going to stop for the night. Fury says they’ll stop when he says so.
4.27
Thor says he’s hungry. He asks if they can stop for dinner. Fury says they’ll stop when he says so.
4.32
Another worrying noise has been added to the van’s symphony. Tony says they should probably stop soon, for the van’s sake, if nothing else.
4.35
Clint needs to pee. Tony says that’s no surprise, given that he drank the whole two litre bottle of water in an hour and a half. Clint says he was thirsty. Tony says Clint should probably consider drinking less. Clint says that water is good for you. Tony says that he’ll probably drown himself if he keeps drinking at this rate. Clint laughs, but looks slightly worried.
4.41
Fury stops at a McDonald’s and lets Clint go off to pee. He takes everyone else to get burgers. Tony asks if this is their dinner. Fury says it is. Thor looks pleased, and orders one of everything on the menu.
4.46
Clint returns and they set off again with a large collection of greasy food. Tony doesn’t think that even Thor will be able to eat all of the food he ordered.
4.51
Tony was right. Thor is too full to finish his McFlurry. Clint is amazed and disillusioned. He had thought that Thor had a bottomless stomach.
4.57
Tony’s dinner consisted of one hamburger and four McFlurries. He is sick after the third McFlurry. Fury pulls over and makes Tony clear it up.
5.03
They set off again. No one else is jealous of Tony’s armchair any more. They think it is probably worse than Clint’s seat now.
5.07
Fury pulls over to buy a large can of Febreeze. He empties the whole thing onto Tony’s armchair.
5.10
They set off again. Tony thinks that the Febreeze fumes might suffocate him. He coughs pathetically. No one cares.
5.12
They pass a campsite. Coulson suggests they stop there and camp for the night. No one agrees. Fury says that they don’t have any tents. Coulson quickly agrees.
5.14
The van breaks down again. Tony tries to fix it.
5.17
Tony fails. He says the van is broken for good this time.
5.19
Coulson says it is too late to call a tow truck. He suggests they spend the night in the campsite. He produces several tents he had hidden in the van.
5.22
Fury eventually agrees with Coulson. They start walking to the campsite.
5.34
They arrive at the campsite. Tony has brought his metal briefcase. He still won’t say what’s in it.
5.36
They have two two-man tents, a four-man tent, a one-man tent, and a three-man tent. Bruce quickly claims the one-man tent. Natasha and Clint claim one two-man tent, and Tony and Steve claim the other. Fury claims the four-man tent for himself. Coulson and Thor are left with the three-man tent.
5.42
Bruce has disappeared into his tent. Everyone else is still putting theirs up. Fury has somehow persuaded Coulson to put his up. Thor is struggling with the three-man tent. Natasha and Clint are working quickly and efficiently. Tony is watching Steve put their tent up.
5.45
Natasha and Clint have got their tent up. They disappear inside. Coulson has nearly got Fury’s tent up. Steve has nearly got his and Tony’s tent up whilst constantly berating Tony for not helping. Tony says he doesn’t know how to put a tent up and that he’d probably just get in the way, and, anyway, Steve is doing brilliantly on his own. Thor is still struggling with the three-man tent.
5.49
Coulson has finished putting up Fury’s tent and is now helping Thor with the three-man tent. Thor has managed to put the middle section upside down. Thor says that they do not have tents on Asgard. Steve has finished putting his and Tony’s tent up. He is refusing to let Tony inside.
6.01
Tony compliments Steve on his tent-erecting skills and is allowed inside. Coulson and Thor are still struggling with the three-man tent. Coulson is beginning to think that this tent was especially designed never to be erected.
6.07
Coulson and Thor are still struggling with the three-man tent. Thor is beginning to think that this tent was designed by Loki. He thinks that tents are an evil invention. Coulson agrees.
6.12
Tony and Steve appear not to realise that tents have extremely thin walls, and so everything happening within a tent can be heard outside the tent. Everyone else is wishing they had Bruce’s noise-cancelling headphones. Bruce is listening to calming music in blissful ignorance. Coulson and Thor are still struggling with the three-man tent.
6.17
Fury yells at Tony and Steve to keep it down. They don’t appear to hear. Natasha and Clint’s tent, by contrast, is eerily silent. Fury begins to wish that all of the Avengers were SHIELD agents like them. Thor and Coulson are still struggling with the three-man tent.
6.21
Bruce has momentarily removed his noise-cancelling headphones. He immediately regrets it. Thor and Coulson are still struggling with the three-man tent.
6.24
The campsite manager has come over to tell Tony and Steve to keep it down. He says there are children on the campsite. Tony says that he’s Iron Man and Steve is Captain America. The campsite manager says that just makes it worse. Thor and Coulson are still struggling with the three-man tent.
6.27
Coulson and Thor have managed to enlist the campsite manager’s help with putting up the three-man tent.
6.32
The three-man tent is finally up. Coulson and Thor disappear inside.
6.36
Tony and Steve’s tent is finally silent. Everyone else breathes a sigh of relief.
6.39
Fury gets up to check on all of the tents. Bruce has fallen asleep with his noise-cancelling headphones still on. Natasha and Clint are sleeping in each other’s arms. It would have been more endearing if both of them hadn’t been clutching their weapons as well. Coulson and Thor are asleep on opposite sides of the three-man tent. Thor is snoring loudly.
6.43
Fury peers cautiously into Tony and Steve’s tent. He finds Tony resting his head against Steve’s chest, fast asleep. Steve looks up at Fury, and silently presses one finger to his lips. He looks back down at Tony, a slight smile on his lips. Fury leaves quickly, shaking his head. He would never admit it, but the sight warmed his heart ever so slightly.
6.47
Fury has returned to his own tent. He thinks that, despite the breakdown, this trip might not end so awfully after all. He stretches out in the luxurious space of his four-man tent and goes to sleep.
8.55
Fury is woken up by laughter from outside the tent. He gets up quickly, still fully dressed, and goes outside to find Thor staring Loki down wearing nothing but his underpants and clutching Mjolnir in his right hand. Fury thinks that Thor still manages to look fairly intimidating, but Loki is just laughing at him.
8.57
Natasha and Clint emerge from their tent to see what is going on. Fury is asking Loki what the hell he thinks he’s doing. Loki is still laughing.
9.01
Tony emerges to find Loki mocking Fury. He slips back into the tent, unseen, and grabs the metal briefcase. Steve wakes up and asks him what’s going on. Tony says it’s only Loki. Steve follows him out of the tent.
9.04
Tony tells Steve to go and wake Bruce up. He distracts Loki. The two begin trading insults.
9.07
Thor tells Loki to leave them. Thor asks Loki why he is bothering them. Loki just shrugs and grins.
9.09
Steve and Bruce emerge. Steve tells Loki he’s outnumbered. Loki just laughs. Everyone is wondering what Loki will do next.
9.11
Tony opens the briefcase. The others quickly realise that it’s really a portable Iron Man suit, mostly because it turns into an Iron Man suit. Tony looks far more intimidating in the suit than he did in his pyjamas. Loki is still grinning.
9.13
Bruce asks Loki what’s so funny. Loki’s grin slips slightly. He appears to realise that he’s outnumbered. He looks around at the team. They all glare at him. All of them except for Tony and Fury are in varying states of undress, and all of them manage to look extremely intimidating.
9.15
Tony is beginning to get bored of the stand-off. He wonders when he’ll be able to go back to sleep.
9.17
Bruce growls threateningly at Loki. It somehow manages to be more scary than it is ridiculous. Loki appears to decide that this isn’t a good time, and vanishes. Tony wonders whether Loki will ever realise that just randomly appearing and doing nothing isn’t exactly helping him.
9.20
Coulson emerges from his tent. He asks what happened. He appears to be disappointed to have slept through Loki’s visit. Bruce wishes he could have slept through it.
9.23
Everyone returns to their tents. Steve helps Tony to remove the Iron Man suit. Tony is slightly annoyed that he didn’t even get a chance to use it. Steve says he should be glad that they didn’t have to fight off Loki. Tony says that a good fight would have been a great team-building activity. Steve can’t help but agree.
9.29
They all fall asleep again. Fury’s last thought before dropping off is that perhaps this trip isn’t such a failure after all.
15.05
Fury wakes everyone up ridiculously early and tells them to pack up their tents. Tony wakes up just enough to ask how they’re getting back, and moves his sleeping bag outside. Fury says he’s arranged transport for them. Tony goes back to sleep whilst Steve dismantles the tent, grumbling about how Tony never helps. Tony opens one eye and says he helps just by being so attractive.
15.11
Clint and Natasha have already finished packing up their tent. Coulson and Thor are struggling with the three-man tent again. Bruce is still asleep. Tony is also still asleep, and Steve has nearly finished with their tent.
15.13
Steve has finished taking down the tent. He lies down next to Tony and goes back to sleep as well. Fury wakes up Bruce and tells him to take down his tent. Natasha and Clint contemplate going back to sleep, but their plans are foiled by Fury, who tells them to take down the four-man tent. Coulson and Thor are still struggling with the three-man tent.
15.18
Bruce has finished taking down his tent. He goes back to sleep. Natasha and Clint are nearly done with the four-man tent. Steve and Tony are still sleeping. Coulson and Thor are still struggling with the three-man tent.
15.21
The four-man tent is now down. Coulson and Thor are still struggling with the three-man tent.
15.24
Fury has woken everyone up and made them help Coulson and Thor with the three-man tent.
15.25
Including Tony.
15.26
On second thoughts, not including Tony, after he managed to somehow reverse the process by several steps. Tony looks pleased with himself as he goes back to sleep. Everyone glares at him.
15.32
Together, they have finally managed to dismantle the three-man tent. Coulson silently vows to burn it as soon as they get back.
15.35
Fury’s transport arrives in the form of two helicopters.
15.37
Fury’s transport remains unreachable as Fury tries to arrange landing space for them. The campsite manager is adamant that they cannot land on the campsite.
15.41
Fury has persuaded the campsite manager to find an empty field for the helicopters to land in. Three families are disgruntled to find that they have to wake up and move their tents, but one look at Fury makes them realise that objecting might not be a good idea.
15.44
The helicopters have landed. Tony asks what’s happening to the van. Fury says he’s sending a tow truck to get it. Tony says he might be able to fix it. They all agree that after all they’d been through with it, it would be a shame to lose the van.
15.52
Fury and Coulson have taken one helicopter for themselves. The Avengers share the other helicopter. There is barely room for them all inside. Fury tells the pilot to try not to chuck them all out. The pilot laughs. He thinks Fury is joking.
15.55
The helicopters take off. Tony asks how long the journey is going to be. The pilot tells him two hours.
16.01
Tony asks if they’re nearly there yet. The pilot begins to realise that Fury wasn’t joking.
16.05
Clint needs to pee. He asks if they can stop. The pilot tells them they’re in a helicopter and can’t just pull over at a service station. Clint asks if the helicopter has a toilet. It doesn’t.
16.10
Clint asks the pilot if they an go any faster. The pilot says he should have peed before they left.
16.16
Tony is bored. He asks if they can play a game. Steve tells him to stop being annoying. Tony says he can’t help it. Steve tells him to try.
16.23
Bruce’s noise-cancelling headphones have made an appearance after Tony started annoying Bruce.
16.32
Thor is hungry. He wonders why Fury didn’t get them any breakfast. He asks if there is any food on the helicopter. There isn’t.
16.37
Clint really needs to pee. The pilot tells him he will personally decapitate him if he wets himself in his helicopter. Clint tells him he should have a toilet installed in the helicopter. The pilot says it’s too late for that now.
16.42
Tony has fallen asleep leaning against Steve. Everyone else is pleased by the silence that follows.
16.48
Steve has also fallen asleep. Natasha takes a picture of them with her phone and sets it as her background. Clint laughs, and is reminded of why no one laughs at Natasha. Natasha wonders how Clint can keep forgetting. She decides it is because he is an idiot. Clint is amazed that he has, thus far, managed not to wet himself.
16.52
Thor is imagining all the things he will have for breakfast when he gets back. Clint tells him to stop listing them out loud, he’s just making everyone else hungry.
16.58
Thor has fallen asleep. Clint thinks he’s probably dreaming about food, mainly because he’s drooling and chewing thin air.
17.02
Clint is really desperate now. He asks the pilot how much longer it is until they arrive. The pilot tells him it’s another hour. Clint makes a pathetic whining noise.
17.07
Clint wonders whether he can pee out of the window of the helicopter. The pilot tells him he can’t. He is very certain of this. Some of the words he uses are four letters long and not particularly pleasant.
17.12
Clint finds a bottle. He thinks about peeing in it. The pilot tells him that if one drop of pee goes outside the bottle, Clint will die horribly.
17.16
Clint pees in the bottle. He manages to keep all of the pee inside. He is rather proud of this achievement. Everyone else is mildly disgusted.
17.19
Clint wonders what to do with the bottle now. Natasha tells him to make sure it’s properly sealed and hang on to it.
17.21
Clint is hugging the bottle of pee. Natasha tells him she didn’t mean it literally.
17.25
Clint has fallen asleep, still hugging the bottle. Natasha takes a picture, and then wonders whether this should replace the picture of Tony and Steve as her background.
17.31
Natasha has decided that it should.
17.35
Natasha has fallen asleep.
17.38
Bruce takes off his noise-cancelling headphones for a moment, and checks that everyone else has, in fact, fallen asleep. They have. Bruce enjoys the peace and quiet.
17.42
Tony wakes up. Bruce puts his noise-cancelling headphones back on, muttering something about good things never lasting long.
17.44
Tony asks if they’re nearly there yet. They are. Tony asks how nearly. The pilot sighs and tells him to go back to sleep.
17.47
Thor wakes up. He asks if he can have some food. The pilot tells him he can have food when they get there. Thor asks if they’re nearly there yet. They are.
17.51
Clint wakes up and asks if they’re nearly there yet. They are.
17.53
Tony asks if they’re nearly there yet. The pilot asks if anyone in the helicopter knows what the word “nearly” actually means.
17.56
Everyone is now awake and asking if they’re nearly there yet. The pilot gives up replying and just concentrates on flying.
17.59
Tony spots their destination out of the window. He still asks if they’re nearly there yet.
18.06
They land. Tony asks if they’re nearly there yet the moment the pilot cuts the engines. The pilot decides that he is never flying the Avengers anywhere again.
18.13
Fury gathers the team together to congratulate them on the trip. He says that, all things considered, it went well. Tony asks if this means they never have to go on another trip. Fury doesn’t reply. Tony has a sinking feelings that this means they will have to go on another trip.
18.17
Everyone vanishes, going as far away from everyone else as they can. Tony locks himself in his workshop with his robots, and Steve wonders whether Tony loves technology more than he loves him. He thinks the answer is probably yes. Bruce locks himself in the bathroom and has a two-hour bubble bath. Thor begins to empty the kitchen of food. Fury starts planning something, and Coulson hopes that it isn’t their next road trip. Natasha and Clint have both disappeared, Clint still clutching the bottle of pee. Coulson doesn’t want to think about what they’re doing, but he hopes that Clint got rid of the bottle first.
18.21
Back on the road, a tow truck reaches the van and begins to tow it back. The driver wonders why it smells so strongly of Febreeze. A squirrel that somehow managed to break in and curl up in the armchair wonders why its bed is moving.